Episode 6 Would I Lie to You?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You?,

the show where honesty is never the best policy.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

a comedian with a career spanning 18 years.

To put that into perspective, his career is old enough to vote,

to get married and to reject my advances at a bar.

It's Phill Jupitus!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And an actress who, in Sherlock, sometimes appears opposite

her partner, Martin Freeman, but who tonight is making an exception

and is appearing opposite her FUTURE partner, Rob Brydon.

It's Amanda Abbington!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And, standing in as guest captain, it's Greg Davis!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Greg's team tonight,

he's not the first choirmaster to end up with his name on a list,

although...

LAUGHTER

..in his case it was the Queen's Birthday Honours List.

It's Gareth Malone!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And, you know, some people,

some people are nervous about mentioning this man's height.

Not me, I'll happily say it right to his belt.

It's Richard Osman!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, everyone.

And so we begin with Round 1,

Home Truths, where our panellists each read out a statement

from the card in front of them.

Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before.

They've got no idea what they'll be faced with

and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction

and Gareth is first up tonight.

A quick technique I often use to determine

if someone has singing potential, is to get them to sing

Baa Baa Black Sheep as if they are frightened.

David.

Is it?

-As if they are frightened?

-Yes.

And what is it about that that tells you anything?

It's to determine whether they can perform.

Not just to sing but whether they can take it the next level.

Look terrified while singing,

cos that's the key skill needed in a choir(!)

Yeah, no, it's more about them,

you know, it might be that I want them to get under the skin

of a piece of music that I'm going to do later

so I want to see whether they've got what it takes emotionally

to connect with the song, even if it is Baa Baa Black Sheep.

Is that one of your favourites, Baa Baa Black Sheep?

Well, it's a very good tune.

Well, look, talk is cheap.

LAUGHTER

Let's see some of that - and I use this phrase advisedly -

"Malone Magic" in action.

Erm...

Greg...

LAUGHTER

..could you sing Baa Baa Black Sheep as if you were frightened, please?

Fine. I'm an incredibly versatile actor. Let's go.

-Frightened?

-Frightened.

-OK.

Oh!

LAUGHTER

BREATHLESS, HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: # Baa baa, black sheep,

# Have you any wool?

# Yes, sir, yes sir

# Three bags full! #

Can I ask, are you being Barry, Robin or Maurice?

Can't quite tell.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well, I think we've established that he's got potential

-and the important thing is...

-Give me another emotion, Gareth.

-No, that's the...

-Yeah I know, but give me another one, just...

All right, erm...

Sexual joy.

LAUGHTER

Hang on a minute.

DEEP VOICE: # Baa baa, black sheep

# Have you any wool? #

Can I do the frightened one?

Oh, you want to...?

I don't get to look someone in the eye very often.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Do you know what I'd love to see? I'd love to see...

Is there anybody here, do you think,

who perhaps doesn't like singing,

who might be sat in between...?

He might be in between his team-mates now thinking,

"Oh, I do hope they don't come to me."

Is there anyone?

-Why don't we ask David to...

-Oh! OK, all right.

..to perhaps sing Baa Baa Black Sheep.

-Baa Baa Black Sheep, like I'm very frightened?

-Go on, David.

-OK.

WAVERING VOICE: # Baa baa, black sheep

# Have you any wool?

# Yes, sir, yes sir

# Three bags full. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You know that Gareth didn't want you to sing Baa Baa Black Sheep

as if you were a sheep, don't you?

What do you ascertain from what he's just done?

Well, he can sing in tune and...

Meh...

..in the broadest sense.

Yeah, and making people feel comfortable

and let's not start with the Mozart Requiem.

Let's start with Baa Baa Black Sheep as if frightened.

So, what are you thinking of this claim of Gareth's?

I think it's true.

Also you have to have a thing, if you're auditioning lots of people,

you can't think about it with each one.

-You have to have a thing you ask everyone to do.

-Yeah.

-I think we're saying it's true.

-You think it's true? OK.

Gareth Malone, truth or lie?

It is...

-a lie.

-Ah!

APPLAUSE

I really thought that was true.

Phill, it's your turn.

Ahem-hem.

I am addicted to rescuing loose trolleys at my local supermarket.

Greg's team.

Supermarkets and trolleys, what do you think?

How often do you do this, Phill?

When I go shopping.

In my experience at a lot of the supermarkets I've been to,

-there is a person who often deals with...

-Yeah, that's Phill.

LAUGHTER

I'm just wondering has there ever been any tension between you

and the trolley person at your supermarket?

If the trolley person appears,

I hide behind a car.

If you go past a canal and you see a trolley that's been chucked in,

as is often the case in canals, will you attempt to retrieve that?

I may, I don't know. It depends how old it is.

The thing is, the fear would be that an old trolley in a canal

will not properly tessellate with a new trolley in a Waitrose.

It depends when the trolley's been thrown in the canal, of course.

It could have been recently thrown in, but you can't tell, really,

until you've got it out and then if you try and make it mate...

What if it's a Safeway trolley?

Safeway are no longer are in business.

But they thought that about Labradors and poodles, didn't they,

and somebody managed it?

But can you imagine the psychological...?

Are you saying that it's going to be a Safe-Waitrose?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-So, is he telling the truth?

-I think it's true.

-I, yeah, I think it's true.

-You think it's true?

-Mm, Gareth does.

-My respected colleague thinks it's true.

-Oh, thanks.

-Hold on?!

-Oh, sorry.

LAUGHTER

-Yeah, well, I'm overruling both of them.

-Oh, come on.

-I think it's a lie.

-You're going to say it's a lie...

-Yeah.

..even though both members of your team think it's true?

-That's right.

-That's a very, very irresponsible use of power.

Perhaps it is.

Lee Mack's not here. This is my bench and I tell you, it's a lie.

Why do you think it's a lie? What about that was unconvincing?

It's irrelevant. I've made my decision.

So you're saying that it's a lie?

Phill, were you telling the truth there or were you telling us a lie?

I was telling...

-the truth.

-No!

APPLAUSE

Tell you what, Greg,

this captaincy lark isn't as easy as it looks, is it?

OK. Our next round is called This Is My,

where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

Now, this week each of Greg's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest

and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's special guest, Gareth.

APPLAUSE

So, Gareth Malone, what is this Gareth to you?

This is my old neighbour, Gareth, and when I was learning a song

he would distract me by singing the same song in his own flat

but in a different language.

-Right, Richard Osman, how do you know Gareth?

-This is Gareth.

When he came to watch a recording of Pointless,

I had to ask for him to be moved away from the front row

cos his behaviour was putting me off my statistics.

-And, Greg, how do you know Gareth?

-This is Gareth.

He was the rickshaw driver I once paid to pedal me home.

By the time we arrived, he was so exhausted

I let him stay on my sofa.

LAUGHTER

So, there we have it.

Gareth's synchronised singer,

Richard's Pointless punter or Greg's shattered chauffeur.

-David's team, who do you want to start with?

-Gareth.

What language does he sing the song in, or does it vary?

He was singing in English.

-So what were you singing in?

-German.

-Ah.

What song?

Um, I think, I think it was Bach's St Matthew Passion.

That's what I thought it would be.

So, how often did this happen?

Enough for me to remember... to mention it now.

If a neighbour was singing a song next door to me,

the first thing I'd do would be to translate it back to English

and then sing it as an off-putting kind of...

Especially through a wall. That really cuts deep(!)

-How does it go, Gareth?

-I can't remember it in English.

You don't really want to hear it, do you?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

I'd like to hear it as if you're frightened.

LAUGHTER

# Da Jesus diese Rede vollende hatte

# Sprach er zu...seine...Jungen...#

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And he was singing exactly the same song the other side of a wall?

Yeah. I mean, actually, I think up a semitone.

-So he's your neighbour, he's also called Gareth?

-Yeah.

He's singing the same song in a different language

and a semitone different.

It's almost unbelievable, isn't it?

Now, Richard, what was the behaviour in the front row...

Yeah, I wanted to know that.

..that Gareth did that was putting you off your stats?

I sit very close to the audience on Pointless,

where my little desk is and there's an audience very close to me.

Xander is further away for contractual reasons.

But lots of people come and see Pointless regularly and they know

if they turn up early they can sit in the front row and Gareth is one

of those people and there's a trick that people in the audience here,

I'm sure if you've been to lots of shows, know, that there's a way

of getting yourself on a TV show, which is laugh in an unusual way.

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Sorry, sorry.

Carry on.

-Now Amanda will almost certainly be on the show.

-Yeah.

So, Gareth had a way of laughing.

Because you come for two shows, he didn't do it in the first show

and in the second show he'd clearly developed a laugh

that sounded sort of like a donkey braying sort of a laugh,

every time something funny was said,

so he did it, like, four times in a show.

Can we hear your version of the laugh?

It'd be like a kind... Oh, God.

It'd be kind of like a hee-haw-hee-haw.

That sort of thing.

-Yeah.

-And I could hear it all the way through

and so in the first recording break I said to the floor manager,

"Could you get him moved to the back?"

Can I ask a question at this point?

How did Gareth react, because if you were to pick somebody here and say,

"Sorry, could you, could you go and sit over there?"

they might be upset.

-I mean, how did he take it?

-No, floor managers are very good.

They always just say,

"For camera reasons we need three more people at the back."

-Oh, so he wasn't told what the reason was?

-No, no, of course not.

-How do you think he feels now?

-Yeah.

He literally came up to me about three days later and said,

"I know why they moved me.

"They moved me because I was doing that laugh" and I said, "Yeah."

In what context did he come up to you three days later

and were you alarmed?

During a recording, he sauntered up to you while you were halfway

through reading out some information and went,

"By the way, Richard, I know why I got moved the other day

"and I know why security are coming for me now."

Of course not. We have recording breaks and stuff like that.

Right. OK, so during a recording break, he went,

"I know why. I'm laughing normally now."

All right, David, what about Greg?

So, Greg, tell us your story.

Not your whole life, you know. Just...

Just the rickshaw bit.

I had a very big celebration in the centre of town.

-Ooh, where?

-What reason?

I was celebrating leaving teaching.

LAUGHTER

OK.

So I had a very big celebration just after my last night at school

-which was ludicrously big.

-OK.

You emerge from the bar in question a little the worse for wear?

I was offensively drunk.

-A rickshaw?

-Yeah.

-Why?

If I'm honest, I was showing off. It had been a day of showing off.

How far did you have to take Gareth?

He had to take me from Central London to Hounslow which is...

Hounslow!

Yeah, it's something like.. It's just shy of ten miles.

How much was it?

It was £163.

-How long did it take, roughly?

-Um...

..I mean, I honestly don't know.

I thought you were waiting for the length of time.

LAUGHTER

-So, you arrive.

-Yeah.

You give him his money.

When does the whole idea of offering him a bed for the night come?

We didn't even discuss the money because I got off the bike,

by which point I was incredibly sober, and I looked at his face

and it was, er...

It was grey.

I mean, I genuinely feared for his life, so I said,

"Oh, my God, you must come in for a bit,"

-and I made him a cup of tea."

-LAUGHTER

WOLFWHISTLES

Greg, Greg, Greg...

-Greg!

-We're better than that, guys! We're better than that.

Where did he put his rickshaw?

-LAUGHTER

-Is that a euphemism?

Very personal, very personal.

How did it progress from the cup of tea to the sleepover?

Because, honestly, I was sober by the time I got home.

He didn't say "cup of tea".

He said, "Would you like to come in for a bit?"

-Exhausted from the bit...

-Biscuits! Biscuits!

he fell asleep on the sofa.

Let's be clear, you've invited him up for a bit.

You go in.

What happens?

After the cup of tea, I decided that he was clearly still very

close to death, so I said, "Would you like to crash on the sofa?"

And I'll give you an extra little detail.

As he went past my front garden, he said, "What is that?"

because I'd set fire to my teaching outfit before I'd gone out,

when my friends first came round,

and there was half of a trouser leg left.

And Gareth saw it and went, "Is that half a trouser leg?

"Has someone spontaneously combusted?"

We need an answer, so, David's team, is Gareth

Gareth Malone's synchronised singer,

is he Richard's Pointless punter,

or is he Greg's shattered chauffeur?

I've got a horrible feeling he's the Pointless punter.

-You think Pointless punter?

-Yeah.

See, I'm thinking rickshaw driver.

Yeah, the detail that Greg was giving was...

The detail of the burned trouser leg is...

That was like he'd forgotten himself and he was getting into his story.

"Oh, this happened, I'm really excited."

-You're discounting Gareth altogether?

-Oh, completely, yeah.

OK, so you're going for the two tall guys there, the two lanky dudes?

-Hey! You know what, we're just two guys.

-We're just two people, right?

-That's what we are.

-The two lamp posts there.

LAUGHTER

So, David, what are you going to say?

-I'm going to... because I genuinely don't...

-You're abstaining?

I'm going to go with the team captain's final decision.

If I had a gun to your head though, Amanda, and don't rule it out...

LAUGHTER

-..who would you go for?

-Greg.

You'd go for Greg. All right.

Or Richard.

-What do you think?

-I think Greg.

-You think Greg, now?

-Oh, no!

-We'll say Greg. We'll say Greg.

They're saying that it is Greg.

-Gareth...

-He's a Pointless contestant.

Could you please...

-I've taken your answer!

-Yeah, I know!

Would you now observe the rules of the game

and please treat this with a little more respect?

Gareth, would you please reveal your true identity.

-My name is Gareth and I once distracted Gareth.

-Oh!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yes, Gareth WAS Gareth's synchronised singer.

-Gareth, thank you very much indeed.

-Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies

and we will start with...

It is Richard.

Every time I lock my front door, I squawk like a parrot.

That way...

LAUGHTER

That way, if I later worry that I didn't lock it,

I remember the squawk and know that I did.

David's team.

Quite genuinely, I think that makes perfect sense.

As someone who's slightly OCD about locking stuff,

what you need is to remember the moment when you knew it was locked...

-Yes.

-..and a squawk of a parrot's as good as anything else.

-Give us a squawk.

-WAAAK!

-PHILL:

-Yeah. I can see the door now.

Although, I'd get confused and maybe

I'd think, "Oh, I squawked and I didn't lock it."

No, you squawk after you lock.

-Oh, OK.

-It goes, lock, squawk.

And your doorway - I don't know your doorway -

but are you in view of neighbours?

Have you ever been witnessed doing this?

Well, I'm in hearing view of neighbours that side.

Hearing view?!

LAUGHTER

I mean...

-Whatever the word for "hearing view" is.

-Earshot!

-Richard, you're coming out of the house, OK?

-Yeah.

You're reaching into your pocket to get your keys.

-Act it out for us.

-Shall I be the door?

-Yeah, why don't you...

-This is going to be the worst mime ever.

LAUGHTER

There's my key.

Are you going to penetrate Gareth with that?

LAUGHTER

If you don't want me to do it, I won't do it.

No, we want you to do it.

WAAAK!

APPLAUSE

No, I don't believe him anymore.

-No, the squawk was too nonchalant.

-Yeah, it was, wasn't it?

What you need is the OCD focus. The squawk is your point of remembrance.

You just squawked like you were saying goodbye to the door

in parrot language.

By and large, it's quite perfunctory, I'll admit to that.

It's kind of plausible cos it's him and he's a bit of an odd bod.

-What?!

-What?!

What on earth has given you that opinion?

Well, he's so tall.

You know you're saying this in hearing view of me, don't you?

Maybe he does a different bird and that's what's going to happen to us.

He'll say, "Oh, I don't do a parrot. I do this one."

KOO-KOOKOO-KOO, KAKA-KA!

What bird is that?!

I don't know, but it's in all the Tarzan films.

It's also reminded me I turned the gas off when I left the house,

so thank you.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What do you think? Is it the truth?

I can't believe you do that much stuff when you go out.

I didn't buy the nonchalant squawk.

I don't think it's true of Richard.

OK, Richard, were you telling the truth or were you telling a lie?

It is...

a lie.

APPLAUSE

It's a lie. Next.

It's Amanda.

I spent years making sure I didn't step on my imaginary pet rabbit.

When I finally got a real rabbit,

I did just that with disastrous consequences.

-Greg's team.

-What was his name or her name?

Brian or Henry, I can't remember cos it was a long time ago.

Did you have more than one imaginary rabbit?

No, just one, Greg, come on!

LAUGHTER

Where did the rabbit live?

Was he in a hutch in the garden or was he

one of those rabbits that's allowed to romp through the house?

He was on the bottom step of the stairs.

The imaginary rabbit lived on the bottom step of the stairs?

-Of the stairs.

-And where did you step on the real rabbit?

I was in the garden and we used to let my pet rabbit run around.

It was snowing so there was white everywhere.

He was a black rabbit and I used to run around with him

-and he ran under my foot and I trod on him.

-In the snow?

-Yeah, and he died.

-Oh, I'm so sorry.

LAUGHTER

Why are you laughing?

-Did stuff come out of his mouth?

-Oh!

AUDIENCE GROANS

-Lee would never have asked that.

-No.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I never thought I'd say it, David, but I miss him.

When you got your new rabbit, what was your new rabbit called,

-the real rabbit, what was it?

-Elvis.

-Elvis?

Do you remember where you were when you heard that Elvis had died?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yeah.

You've got to ask yourselves this - does she look like a rabbit killer?

Me, I say yes, she does.

But does she to you? That's the key thing here.

-Well, I've got a very firm idea.

-I thought you might.

-You had a very firm idea last time, though.

-I've learned my lesson.

I'm beginning to realise how this programme works

so, Gareth, what's your opinion, I'm genuinely interested,

LAUGHTER I'm...

No, I don't know.

Oh.

-Richard?

-I think true.

-You think true?

OK, I don't think true based on the not being able to remember the name

of her own imaginary friend,

but casting vote.

Oh, gosh, all right, OK, I'm going to go, true.

Then, against my better judgment,

we, as a team, will say that

that quite clearly rubbishly nonsensical story is true.

You say it's true? Amanda, truth or lie?

-True.

-Yes!

Yes!

-Well done, guys!

-That's team work.

Yeah, it's true.

Next.

It is Greg.

I once invented a language so I could speak to my sister in secret.

I even gave this language its own name.

What's the name of the language?

It is not a word...

that you will have heard of

and the word is Cushin.

-Cushin. What?

-Cushin.

-So like, like "cushion" but Cushin?

-Yeah.

-And could you say something in Cushin?

-Yeshk.

LAUGHTER

-What, what...?

-Could you say something more?

Is that what "yes" is in Cushin?

I didn't claim that the language was sophisticated.

I would say you're arbitrarily adding a sort of "shk" sound.

-So do a sentence.

-OK.

Um...

Ashkiminsh...

Ishk amshk...

LAUGHTER

It's obviously been a long time.

I lushkly am enjoyshkink...

..thisk experienshk of Would I Lieshk To You?

You sound like the chef on Sesame Street.

If it's so simple, what did I say then?

You said, "I am loving the experience of Would I Lie To You?"

No, I didn't, I said I am largely enjoying the experience

of Would I Lie To You?

So it lookshk like it's not as shimplesk as you thinkshk!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Where did the name for this language, Cushin, come from?

I honestly can't remember.

But it was called Cushin and I can tell you part of the language

and, I'm afraid I can't explain this to you,

would be sometimes mid-sentence, sometimes at the end of a sentence,

just to loudly proclaim, "Cushon!"

LAUGHTER

Cushin is talking with random "shks" if you can squeeze them in,

and occasionally going "cushon!"

in the middle or at the end of a sentence?

You know, my parents...

My parents didn't...

They didn't work out Cushin,

as simplistic as you clearly think it is, they didn't work it out.

They didn't work it out when you when you said,

"Ishk wantshk to goshk to the shopshk?"

They went, "What on earth is he saying?" Oh, my God!

Hang on, David.

Cushon!

So, David, he's been quite fulsome, lot of detail,

but is it the truth or is it a lie?

What do you think?

Well, I believed him up until the point he went "Cushon!"

-and then I...

-He's enjoying "Cushon!" far too much.

Although he could be enjoying it with the fact that his sister

is watching their secret language being outed.

She won't dislike it.

She'll be ashkolutelyshk delightedsk.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

And that, my friends, so far is the biggest "Cushon!" of them all.

It's not inconceivable but it is unlikely.

What do you think, truth or lie?

-Lie?

-Lie, let's do it.

-Lie.

You're saying it's a lie. OK, Greg, truth or lie?

Ishk washk tellingshk...

-the truthsk.

-Oh!

-Cushon!

-Cushon!

APPLAUSE

BUZZER SOUNDS

And that noise signals time is up. It's the end of the show.

I can reveal that Greg's team have won by four points to two.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

But, of course, it's not just a team game.

My individual liar of the week this week is Gareth Malone.

APPLAUSE

Gareth Malone.

Something those military husbands might want to think about

next time they leave you alone with their wives.

Good night!