Episode 6 Would I Lie to You?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening! Welcome to Would I Lie To You -

the show with tall tales and tantalising truths.

On David Mitchell's team tonight, a TV presenter

whose knowledge of cars is second only to my own.

My personal favourite is a red one. It's Richard Hammond.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

And a comedian who once did a TV show for Channel 4,

where he wrestled an alligator.

Who says Sky TV has all the best sports? It's Sean Lock.

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

And over on Lee Mack's team tonight, someone who has helped

transform British tennis

and helped ruin British dancing. It's Judy Murray.

APPLAUSE

And a South African comedian who recently

performed on the Royal Variety Show.

90 minutes of the finest entertainment

crammed into seven and a half hours. It's Trevor Noah!

APPLAUSE

So let's begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists

read out a statement from the card in front of them.

Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

they've no idea what they'll be faced with,

and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

Trevor, you're first up tonight.

I used to call strangers on the telephone

and convince them that they were talking to Nelson Mandela.

David's team.

Er, why?

Because everyone loves Nelson Mandela.

But is it, I mean, how often did Nelson Mandela cold-call people?

Were you selling anything, as Nelson Mandela?

No, no, no, just...

He wasn't pretending to be Nelson Mandela during his telesales period.

Oh, right.

How did you start the conversation? So, if I've answered the phone...

Hello?

-AS NELSON MANDELA:

-Hello, Richard.

Whoa, it's Nelson Mandela!

APPLAUSE

What would you say next?

How are you, Richard?

I wanted to thank you

for fighting against bad things.

You haven't seen Top Gear, have you?

Who did you target?

Anybody. I just dialled numbers on the phone.

What, random...random numbers?

Yeah, like, it was just, you know...

What was your hit rate on that,

for people who believed it was Nelson Mandela, and didn't?

-100%.

-Really?

Everyone. How many did you try?

Is it just Richard - now?

It was, yeah, it was fairly convincing.

Did you ever let the people know at the end?

Did you go, "Ha, it's not Nelson Mandela!"?

No, no, because that would crush them.

How would you know when to end the conversation as Nelson Mandela,

with this unsuspecting - gullible, hopefully - stranger?

Well, they would think I'm Nelson Mandela and then initially

it's "wow", and then, I guess, the next thing becomes,

"Why are you calling?" And then afterwards,

then they start asking questions. "Ah, what are you up to?" And you go, "No."

What are you wearing?

You're not wearing that shirt again, are you, Nelson?

-I'm sick of that shirt.

-But what if you'd called,

what if you'd called an apartheid-friendly white Afrikaner?

Feel the tension in the room.

Can I just say, Rob, have you done light entertainment before?

You're calling me.

-OK.

-Yes?

Hello, who am I speaking to?

-IN BAD SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT:

-You're talking to Tobias Cruelty.

This is some of my best work.

We're just glad it's someone else

other than Ronnie Corbett, for a change.

Who's this that is talking to me?

This is Nelson Mandela.

What?! Where are you?

I'm free.

Are you sure you're not Morgan Freeman?

That movie hasn't come out yet.

Well, do you know what, I've always been pro-apartheid,

but this frank exchange of views with you

has really turned me the other way. I wish you all the very best.

And to you.

APPLAUSE

-So, could this be true?

-I think it's true.

-You think it's true?

-Yeah.

-Do you?

-I'm thinking it's true as well, yeah.

-So you're saying true.

-We're saying true,

-we're definitely saying true.

-All right. Trevor, truth or lie?

True.

Yes, it's true. Trevor DID used to call people

and pretend to be Nelson Mandela. Sean Lock, you're next.

While travelling around Europe,

my friend and I came up with a scheme to make money on the beach.

-Lee's team.

-What was it?

It was, it was jewellery. We used to sell jewellery.

What kind of jewellery was it?

It was earrings.

And where did you get the earrings from?

Um...

To be perfectly honest, we'd make them.

Oh, it's home-made jewellery - here we go.

-And where was the beach?

-Where was the beach?

It's right next to the sea. Thank you.

It was in Greece.

What was it about being on that beach, you thought "earrings"?

Um...

I couldn't make doughnuts.

And what did you make the earrings out of?

Well, I didn't make them, my friend made them.

And what did HE make them out of?

Beads.

Now, this friend, Sean, what was his name?

-Spud.

-Spud?

-Spud.

-Spud was his name?

Spud the jeweller.

My job was to sell them.

Ah, so you're the salesman. So, so give us a bit of patter.

Imagine David is on the beach in his thong, he's relaxing.

Finally he can be himself, OK?

And you come along and you look at his ears, they're unadorned,

you think, "There's an opportunity." Off you go.

Well, the first thing, if he's got a thong on, I'll ask him to turn over.

Could you roll on to your back, please?

And would you like me to rub a bit of cream into that area

because I don't think that's ever seen the sunshine.

He wasn't... The target market isn't...

Well, Richard likes a bit of jewellery round the neck.

So sell them to Richard.

Are you having a nice time?

Yeah, I'm having a lovely time.

Do you want to buy some earrings?

-Not really, no.

-All right, then.

What's wrong with ME?

-Yeah, all right.

-I've turned over and everything.

Then I'd do this.

Spud!

Help!

What was Spud's real name?

Keith.

Keith. Why did you call him Spud?

He always had a jacket on? What?

What are you thinking?

Judy, do we think that's the truth or a lie?

-I think it's a lie.

-You don't, you're not...

I can't see him selling beaded earrings on a beach.

Would you buy anything from him?

No, nothing.

You know, I'm going to go, I think Judy's right.

-You think it's a lie.

-Yeah.

I'm going to go with the team.

You're going to say lie. Sean? Truth or lie?

True.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true! Sean DID used to sell earrings on the beach.

Our next round is called This Is My...,

where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

Now, this week each of David's team

will claim it's them that has the genuine connection

to the guest. It's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's special guest, Ben.

APPLAUSE

So, Richard, what is Ben to you?

This is Ben, and I once convinced him

that he'd been spooked by a ghost in a country house.

Sean, how do you know Ben?

Well, this is Ben and I had to talk to him for over an hour,

to keep him calm when he got trapped in a Portaloo.

David, what's your relationship with Ben?

This is Ben, and he very recently took me

to my first-ever football match.

LEE LAUGHS And...

And was disappointed that I nodded off for a bit in the second half.

Lee's team, where do you want to start?

Well, first of all, Sean, how was he trapped in a Portaloo?

Well, it was the lock wouldn't work, wouldn't open.

Why was there such a tense situation that you had

to calm him down, why is he panicking?

Because, Ben, as I'm sure you'll notice -

I mean, you just have to look at him to know,

he suffers from a lot of anxieties.

I mean, he looks so comfortable here, doesn't he,

just so relaxed under these lights.

He's not, inside he's...

Where was the Portaloo?

-On a campsite.

-Had you met him before?

I'd seen him on the campsite.

-And you'd nodded. "Hello," all that.

-Yeah.

Well, you know what it's like, you're walking across a campsite

and you've got a toilet roll in your hand...

Everyone knows, you know, where you're going,

and they sort of smile at you, the way you,

something...you've all exposed.

-We've all been there.

-We've all been there, and you're walking across

and you've got a toilet roll and people go, "All right?"

And then they've got that "What, again?" look, without saying it.

So did you go to use the Portaloo?

No. I was going out of the campsite.

And you heard, what did you hear?

Well, someone sort of... struggling with the mechanism.

Oh, no shouting at this point?

If someone... You know, it's a matter of politeness.

If someone's making sort of struggling noises in a Portaloo,

you don't think you can do much to help.

I like to think. And even if I could,

I don't really want to get involved in that problem.

As I was walking out, I thought -

it looks like it was wobbling slightly -

and I went back, I said, "Are you all right?"

And he went, "No, I'm not!"

And you talked to him for, you said, an hour?

Yes, we just...

Well, I'm curious to know what you filled an hour with.

Well, I just chatted. I said, I was chatting about

how his camping weekend was going.

Well, not very well.

So you're in the thing with him

and eventually, what happened, what was the outcome?

-Yeah, how did he get out?

-The guy came - the camp...

-He died in there.

-The campsite manager.

And then when he came out,

-first time you'd seen each other.

-Yeah.

And how was that? Did you fall in love?

To be honest with you, I think he was a bit disappointed.

It was like Blind Date.

Now, who else would you like to quiz, Lee?

Richard, could you remind us again, please, of your...

I once persuaded Ben that he'd been spooked by a ghost

in a country house.

And, and what was the story - how did you convince him?

Well, he was in a separate room and I saw a stool

and realised, "Hang on, I can hit the rafters,"

knowing where he was, "that'll sound like footsteps

coming towards him." So I did, and he believed it was a ghost.

And what were you doing in this house - is it just

an empty house where people are...?

-No, we worked together in radio.

-Yeah.

And we were doing a ghost hunt.

Why was Ben in the room by himself?

Because he just wanted to be brave and go off,

and he'd sat in the scariest, supposedly most-haunted room

in the house, which happened to be

directly above where I was in the hall.

How high were the ceilings in the room that you were in?

-Ah, fairly high, not massively high.

-How high?

If you think of me plus a chair - about that high.

That's a very low ceiling.

Oh, give up! Really?! Cheap shot!

-Listen, I am 6ft, if I got...

-All right, all right, we got it.

I'm just saying, I'm 6ft and it's great.

Is it?

And how did Ben react when you were making these noises -

-did it spook him?

-Well, yeah.

He ran straight out through the door, which would have meant running through where the ghost was.

-Oh, I see.

-So he properly panicked.

-Oh, God, absolutely terrified, yeah.

Well, I know that about Ben - he does get very, very spooked.

Anything like that freaks him right out.

Thank goodness he could open the lock on that door, you know?

When did he find out that it had all been a wheeze?

-I told him about ten years later.

-ROB AND LEE: Ten years?!

-Yeah.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-You've let him live with this trauma for ten years?

No, look at it this way - and I explained it to him like this

at the time, cos he was quite cross, cos you would be - and I said,

"No, listen, you've dined out on that story, I know you have.

"You'd have told people at dinner parties - 'I was in the most-haunted house.' "

-Like people saying, "Nelson Mandela once rung me up."

-Yeah.

David, remind us again, please?

This is Ben. He took me to my first-ever football match and then

was disappointed when I dozed off for a bit in the second half.

When was this?

This was last season.

Oh, he's already got all the words, hasn't he?

He's been training for this one. Last season?

-Yeah.

-What was the match?

It was, er, association football...

..and it was between Tottenham Hotspur and Hull.

And who won?

-Tottenham Hotspur.

-How do you know?

I went to it.

And where was it played - in Tottenham or at Hull?

-In Tottenham.

-Do you remember the name of the ground?

What if I could? Would that make this definitely true?

Um, I'm not willing to say how I feel about that,

until you've said it.

I'm not willing to say how I feel about anything,

but that's just cos I'm British.

Ah, yes, it was at White Hart Lane. AUDIENCE: Whoo!

Thank you. Yes, I do have a research team.

Do you remember the colour of the kits?

Let's say, one team was in white,

and the other team...

wasn't.

APPLAUSE

What colour was the goalkeeper wearing?

Green, all over,

with a little tricorn hat.

As I recall.

-So, how do you know Ben?

-He was at school with me.

OK, and if you don't like football, why would you have gone?

Um, I'm an idiot.

I like to... No, I was about to say I like to experience new things.

No, I don't, but occasionally I get bullied

into experiencing new things under peer pressure.

He said, "You're always slagging off football -

"why don't you come along, and the atmosphere will be great,

"you might quite like it, and then

"maybe, just maybe, you'll shut up for a bit."

-Who were you there to support?

-Ah, well, vaguely he's a Spurs fan -

-that's the shortening.

-Nice.

So I was broadly, you know, hoping his team would win.

-Do you remember the score?

-I think there was one goal.

To the Tottenham Hotspurs?

Exactly, and it was on the basis of THAT that the victory

was declared to be theirs.

Back to you in the studio!

All right, we need an answer.

So, Lee's team, is Ben Richard's frightened friend,

Sean's Portaloo pal, or David's match-day mate?

I don't see Sean chatting to somebody trapped in a Portaloo -

he doesn't strike me... Without laughing.

That is a very good point. I've known Sean long enough to know he would be going,

"Oi, come on, everyone, let's push it over!"

Richard and the roof is where he lost me - just the height.

Yeah, the height, it's too high.

But also, like, to exert enough force to hear it through the roof...

Like, you maybe would have barely touched it,

but then your height, when we look, no. No.

I think they're saying that in a stately home, ANY person,

however tall, plus a stool, they're doubting. It's not just you.

-Thank you.

-Oh, no, no, no, just him.

-It's just him.

He said that like he was a Spanish ambassador

and he was worried about being insulted.

"I think, Ambassador, it's any person -

"it's nothing to do with your height, sir."

-So not Richard.

-What about David and the football?

Well, it is possible that he would have a friend,

I suppose.

So what are you going to say?

-I suppose we're left with David, are we?

-Yeah.

-OK.

You think it's David?

Right, Ben, would you please reveal your true identity.

My name is Ben...

and Richard spooked me by pretending to be a ghost in a country house.

Really sorry, mate, really sorry about that!

Thank you very much, Ben.

Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with...

It's Lee.

One Saturday morning I lay on my back in the garden and pretended

I'd fallen off a ladder so that I could get out of a family trip to IKEA.

-David's team.

-What had you been supposedly doing on the ladder to fall off it?

So my wife said, "We're going to IKEA," and I knew she'd be upset

if I said no, so I said, "Yeah, no problems.

"Can we go in an hour?" She went, "Yeah - why?"

-I said, "I've got to do something in the garden."

-What?

-What were you doing?

-Trimming the tree.

So you said, "OK, we can go to IKEA in an hour,

"I've just got to go and trim the tree."

I didn't say I was going to trim the tree, obviously.

I said, "I've got something to do in the garden."

Why is it so urgent that this tree needed to be trimmed?

You're not following this story, are you? I didn't need to trim the tree.

Yeah, but wouldn't she go, "Well, do it later"?

Because it was a casual conversation. "We're going to IKEA,"

"Can we go in an hour? Just got to do something in the garden."

"Yeah, fine." That was it. We don't live in a relationship where I go,

"Can we go in an hour? I'm doing something in the garden,"

she doesn't sit me down, put a spotlight on me and go,

"What is this thing in the garden?"

-OK.

-"But you did topiary last week!"

So she's... You say you've got to do something in the garden,

-she says, "Fine," so you walk out into the garden.

-Yes. Go to the shed.

-Explain how you set the scene.

-I go to the shed, right?

I'd picked my tool wisely,

cos I want I want to make sure that when I've fallen with it

-that it looks dramatic.

-Yeah.

-You know?

-So what did you pick?

-Bit of secateurs - nothing -

those big giant ones, you know?

They look like old-fashioned bull workers but with a pair of scissors at the end.

-And telescopic handles.

-That's the ones.

I still needed a ladder, you're not going to get me on that.

Do you climb to the top of this ladder?

I don't need to, do I?

-There's no trimming to be done!

-What?

I mean, are you forgetting...? There is no...

I'm not Robert De Niro - I'm not method!

"I must become the tree trimmer."

Your wife must think you're pretty bad at it

if you can go out and presumably instantly fall off the ladder.

I didn't say I fell off instant, I know she's going off

to do something else. She says, "I'm going to the shops, then."

So I know she's out, so I position everything.

So she says in advance of going to this shop,

she's going to the shops.

No, it's an expression, "I'm just popping to the shops."

They don't go, "I'm popping to the individual shop."

No, it's not an expression - it means going to the shop.

Is it a euphemism in your house

for, what, having a poo?

I'm popping to the shops.

Is it a euphemism...?

You won't get me on one letter! All right, I'm popping to the shop!

But she said she was popping to the SHOP now -

shop singular - in advance of your trip to the shop.

She might have said "shop" - it's one letter, give me a break!

It's series nine! She may have said shop!

Can I ask a question?

Or shops! I'm just popping out - in fact, she said "out".

"I'm popping out."

-She was popping out!

-She was popping out.

-So...

OK, so she has left the house.

She's left the house. She's gone to the sho...p!

To buy a Curly Wurly or Curly Wurly...s, I'm not sure.

She's gone out, I know she's going to be gone enough time

for me to get a ladder, lie it on its side, do the secateurs

and lie there in a position that I would describe as...injured.

Can I ask a question?

Why didn't you want to go to IKEA?

LAUGHTER

I think I'd go to IKEA to get out of trimming a tree.

I didn't need to trim the tree!

So your wife comes back from the shop

before going to the shop, for whatever reason.

We find that, weirdly, different shops sell different things,

so I have tried. When she goes, "I'm just going to buy

"some potatoes," I've gone, "Why don't we wait till we're in IKEA?"

And she said, "No, you can't buy..."

As it turns out, different shops sell different things.

So your wife comes back from the potato shop to find...

No, it's not called the potato shop.

-You've finished trimming the tree and fallen off a ladder.

-Yes.

How much of the tree did you get done?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Did you claim specific injuries that you'd done,

when you said, "Oh, I've just generally hurt..." what?

-What had you done - what did you say you'd hurt?

-I went, I went, "Argh! My leg!"

She went, "What's up with it?"

I said, "I don't know but I can't go to IKEA."

I claimed to have injured my coccyx.

How long had she been gone?

It was probably four or five days this time.

I'd say probably about, oh, 15 to 20 minutes.

-Did she still go to IKEA?

-Yeah, yes, what DID she do then?

-You're there in agony.

-She came to help me.

-She helped you up.

-She helped me up, she tried to get me stood up,

-I held the base of my back - is that where the coccyx is?

-Yeah.

I held the base of my back, like that,

and she said, "You better come inside and sit yourself down."

I said, "But what about the trip to IKEA? I feel I've let you down."

She said, "No, that was years ago."

I think the bit where I was pushing it, when I shouted,

"Love, can you put that ladder away?"

"I don't want it to go rusty -

"I might need that in a couple of weeks when we go to Boots."

What do you think, David - is this true?

What do you think?

I think it's a lie.

I just think you'd save that for something a bit more...

You think it's a waste.

Yes, a waste of an opportunity to get out of something.

Like a family Christmas - you could get out of a whole Christmas.

So what are you going to say?

I think...I think we think it's a lie.

You're saying it's a lie. Lee, truth or lie?

It's a lie.

It's a lie. Lee didn't pretend he'd fallen off a ladder

to get out of a family trip to IKEA. Next.

It's Trevor.

I used to be in a South African boy band

but we split up after three of us

were kicked by a horse on a video shoot.

David's team?

Why was there a horse in the video?

Cos that's what you do in, like, boy-band videos - you have a horse.

Sing to a horse.

-No, you don't sing TO the horse - the horse is there.

-Why a horse?

Because, "Ladies, look at me, I'm on a horse."

You were ON the horse?

-No, but that's...

-You weren't on the horse, you were next to the horse.

We couldn't all get on the horse cos there's four of us.

-Were any of you on the horse?

-You had one horse between four of you?

What was the song?

-What was the song?

-Yeah.

-I Love You Baby.

The song was called I Love You Baby?

-Yes.

-What are the lyrics

-of I Love You Baby?

-We're not singing to the...

It's a Xhosa song, Xhosa and Zulu, so it's called

-I Love You Baby - that's the translation into English.

-Right.

Give us a taste of it. How does it go?

-What, the song?

-Yes, the song.

-You want me to sing it...?

Yes, I want you to sing it.

Well, I'll sing my part - I can't sing the whole...

Imagine now, I'm the horse, right?

Here I am. Ready?

-Sing to the horse.

-Sing to the horse.

HE SINGS IN ANOTHER LANGUAGE

This wasn't a big band, was it?

This is my part, I'm singing my part.

HE CONTINUES

RHYTHMIC CLAPPING

We all know it.

Get with it, middle-aged man - WE all know it.

APPLAUSE

HE WHINNIES

-I just don't get that.

-So that's definitely a song.

Do you know what they call that sort of music?

Clip-clop.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What were you called - the boy band?

-What was the boy band called?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-This is weird cos, like,

now I have to translate everything into English.

-That's handy.

-Well, it would help.

No, because it was Spuxboys.

But in English it means Sparks Boys.

-Sparks Boys?

-Sparks Boys.

-Yes.

-And no wonder it took so long to translate that.

And what provoked the horse to actually kick -

why did that happen?

Well, we don't know. Everyone was standing together

and then you're singing... Everyone's facing the camera

-while you're singing.

-Yeah.

And then out of nowhere it's just a kick and then...

Wow, but it got THREE band members?

What were the injuries?

Well, the one guy, he got kicked the hardest

so he was really hurt, so I don't know if he fractured his arm

or if he broke something.

Or he was going to IKEA.

"Sorry, love, I've joined a boy band and I got kicked by a horse -

"can't make it today."

What I don't understand is why is it the end of the group,

just one horse accident?

It's not like there was a stampede

and you got killed by a load of horses,

and then it's just, like, Gary Barlow's head

rolling across a field and you go,

"I think that's it, that's it.

"I think there's no more comebacks from this."

From the horse's point of view,

the horse was destined for great things -

he's starting to appear in pop videos.

It's a disaster any way you look at it.

Well, you say you start getting a reputation for, you know,

lashing out in a professional context, it can be the end.

What are you going to say, David?

It's very convincing - I'd say it's true, I'd go true.

-I'm going to go... Yeah, I'm going to say...

-You think true?

I think it might be true. Let's say true.

You'll say true. OK, Trevor, truth or lie?

Lie.

BUZZER

And that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.

I can reveal that David's team have won by

four points to one.

But, of course, it's not just a team game,

and my individual liar of the week this week

is Trevor Noah.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's Trevor Noah,

he's dished out more whoppers than a teenager in Burger King.

Goodnight.