Episode 5 Would I Lie to You?

APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You,

the show with a fondness for fibs.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

the host of the Radio 1 Breakfast Show,

yes, the Noel Edmonds of our time, it's Nick Grimshaw.

APPLAUSE

And the star of Ask Rhod Gilbert, Rhod Gilbert's Work Experience

and the Rhod Gilbert Radio Show. Anyone?

It's Rhod Gilbert.

APPLAUSE

And on Lee Mack's team tonight, a TV presenter who's hosted

Crufts on three occasions, which in dog years is almost a lifetime.

It's Clare Balding.

APPLAUSE

And a comedian who left a New York performing arts school with a degree

in musical theatre. A fantastic achievement,

but he doesn't want to make a song and dance of it.

It's the star of Catastrophe, Rob Delaney.

APPLAUSE

And so we'll begin with Round One Home Truths, where our panellists

each read out a statement from the card in front of them.

Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team

to sort the fact from the fiction and Rhod is first up tonight.

One Friday after school,

I swapped our family cat for a Scotch egg and a Smurf.

When my mum found out on Monday morning, she made me swap them back.

Right, well, when was this, first of all? How old were you?

13.

But more important than how old was he or anything to do with him...

The cat, what...? I mean, we're very concerned about the cat. I am.

I'm a bit more concerned about the Smurf, if I'm going to be honest.

I'm most concerned... The Scotch egg, you just...

What was your logic?

Would you hide it under your bed for a whole weekend?

You three have a chat

and when you've worked out collectively what you're most

concerned about, come back to me.

-Can I start with mine?

-Please do.

-OK.

What was the cat called? What kind of cat? What colour, please?

The cat was called Snowdrop

and as the name implies, it was tortoiseshell.

Who did you swap with?

Ah, should I name him?

I don't know. Unless he's in prison at the moment.

I don't know, I haven't seen him for a long time.

He was a kid who lived on an estate nearby.

-Just give us his first name.

-Lee.

Ah.

Just with the Scotch egg - you wanted a Scotch egg...

You wanted a Scotch egg so badly that you traded a living

mammal for it and then you just put it under your bed, for 48 hours?

To be fair trading a Scotch egg for a living mammal is exactly

what's necessary in the manufacture process of a Scotch egg.

You start off... People have decided...

They have live pigs but they don't like the live pigs enough -

what they want is no pigs but Scotch eggs.

Why did you want the Scotch egg?

I presume for the obvious that you like them and wanted to eat it.

-Yes.

-Why didn't you just eat it there and then?

Why didn't I just eat...?

You said you swapped them back again on the Monday, which...

That suggests you still had the Scotch egg.

Well, hang on. I mean, was it the same one or had you

consumed it and then you just had to give a Scotch egg back?

That's right, Rob.

LAUGHTER

It's like the blooming Welsh mafia, this.

You can't help him out!

CLARE: Could I get back to the cat?

Cats obviously are very territorial, so would the cat not try

and come home, cos they normally do if they've gone out away?

He didn't, not that weekend.

Talk us through the actual exchange process.

I tell you what, Rob. You stand up, we'll go through it, come on.

I am standing up.

I'll role-play it with you. So, I'm... Right.

-OK, so, imagine I've got my family cat in my hand.

-All right.

With this hand you have a Scotch egg.

Where are we now, Rhod, where are we?

We're in Wales. Are we in Wales?

-We're in Wales.

-Aww.

Isn't that nice?

Let's just take a minute, let's just take a minute. Lovely.

Go on.

-Right, so, we're in Wales.

-Yeah.

-I've got a cat in my hand.

-All right.

-Right. You've got in this hand a Smurf and a Scotch egg.

-Yes.

-Right, now we swap them over.

All right, here we go. This is how it happened.

This is going to be difficult.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

And that, my lord, was the mechanics of the exchange.

Wow.

Rob, you can put the cat down now.

CLARE: But gently, gently. Rob, gently, yes.

So, what do you think, Lee? Does this sound truthful to you?

I don't think he's shown any affection for Snowdrop

and on that basis alone I think it can't be true.

Well, weirdly, I... The exact same reason I think it is true,

because I know him to be heartless.

I can show you some affection but what do you

want to know about Snowdrop? I can show affection for Snowdrop.

-How would you stroke him?

-Her.

No! Got you.

You have changed the sex of that cat at least three times.

- I promise you, even if I was... - You have!

I don't think vets should agree to do that.

LAUGHTER

It's always been a female cat, Snowdrop.

What are you thinking, Rob? Are you thinking it's the truth?

It really started to crumble at the end here,

so I'm smelling a lie.

Both saying a lie. My team say lie, we will go with lie.

OK. You're saying lie. Rhod, truth or lie?

It is a...

APPLAUSE

Yes, it was a lie. Rhod didn't swap his family cat for a Scotch egg

and a Smurf.

Nick, you're up next.

OK, here we go.

I once called a friend in New York and asked her to call the police

in London because I thought there was a burglar at my house in London.

Where were you when you made the call?

In the house.

-Why didn't you phone...?

-The police.

-Yes.

Because I'd been messaging my friend.

I felt like she'd gone, so I called her, and as I was on the phone

to her I thought there was someone breaking into the house.

So I was like... ("You should phone the police.")

What did you hear, exactly?

I just heard, like, irregular noises from downstairs.

Irregular noises.

Footsteps, doors closing. So I was like, who's that?

Were you living on your own at the time?

I did have a housemate but...

-Did you not think it might be that person?

-No.

-Why?

Because at the time I was doing a night-time radio show

so I would get home late and she'd always, like, "Be quiet

"when you get in at one o'clock in the morning, cos I'm asleep."

-Ah, so you assumed her to be asleep.

-Yeah.

Why didn't you put the phone down and phone the police?

Because I didn't want to speak in case the burglar...

But you ARE speaking, you're telling her to phone the police.

Well, I was like, "I need to go, I think there's someone here.

"Call the police." That's why I had to get off the phone

and not use the phone.

Well, look, look, Nick, let's re-enact it.

-OK.

-I'm going to be your friend in New York.

-Yeah.

-She's an American?

-She is.

Thank God. I thought you were going to say,

-"By coincidence, she sounds like Ronnie Corbett."

-Yeah, no.

She's a very sassy Jewish lady.

All right.

-DEEP, MEASURED VOICE:

-Now, Nick, how are things going over there?

Did you say she DIDN'T sound like Ronnie Corbett?

-No, it's...

-She's the opposite to Ronnie Corbett?

-HIGH-PITCHED AMERICAN ACCENT:

-She's like New York Jewish

kind of person like that?

Pretty spot-on.

O-M-G!

LAUGHTER

So, listen. You've finished your radio show. How did it go?

I love your impressions, you know that,

but you're texting - we don't need the voice.

Oh, he wants me to call him? Sure I will.

Hi, Amy, how's America?

Oh, I love it, there's so many Americans here.

Hey, what's that noise in the background?

-What IS that noise?

-I heard something!

I can... I can hear something downstairs.

Oh, are you having trouble with your stomach again?

No, like, downstairs.

There's someone downstairs, in the HOUSE downstairs.

I'll pretend to be asleep, you call the police.

What, the NYPD?

No, my police.

-All right, I'll call.

-OK.

Love you.

So, I put the phone down and then I just go like this...

and then fear for my life.

Well, hold on, because it's all happening stateside.

APPLAUSE

-NORMAL VOICE:

-Well, I mean, we can go on like this all night.

So then what happened? Go on, talk us through the rest of the story.

She makes the call, there's, like...call the police.

Cos there's not the 999 number, there's, like,

the police round the corner. You know, the local police.

She went and logged on and looked for your local police station?

Yeah. You don't have to log on - there's internet on phones.

Listen, sunbeam, you do want my Atari.

LAUGHTER

So, she called the police

and then it turned out that it wasn't an intruder at all, it was...

How did you find that out?

I found that out when my flatmate burst in.

What's she bursting into your room for at night?

Because she had been on the wine. So the bang, bang, bang noises

were her looking for wine or something, I don't know.

And you said what?

-I said, "Oh, my God."

-You said, "Hypocrite!"

I said, "I thought I was going to be killed by the intruder

"and the police are coming," so then we were like,

"We need to call the police now to stop them."

-So, you phone me back in New York. Go on.

-No, I don't phone you.

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-You want me to cancel them?

But they're on their way, honey.

I just went direct to tell them.

Oh, yo, so when you want me, I'm right here waiting,

but when you don't want me, you just drop me.

Well, screw you, Grimshaw.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'm not surprised Amy doesn't have any friends where she lives.

What are you thinking, Lee?

-What do we think, Rob?

-I believe it, I believe it.

-You believe it?

-I believe this man.

I've been taken for a ride. I like it.

You're starting to sound more and more like Amy every day.

So, what are you thinking, Clare?

I believe it.

Well, I think it must be true, then.

True. OK, Nick, truth or lie?

It is...

Well done, team.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true. Nick did ring his friend in New York

and ask her to call the police for him.

Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

Now, this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest

and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's special guest, Greg.

APPLAUSE

So, Clare, what is Greg to you?

This is Greg, and he is the RSPCA officer who came to my aid

when a squirrel climbed into my handbag and wouldn't get out.

Rob Delaney, how do you know Greg?

Well, this is Greg and we once stayed up all night together holding

onto a fence when a game of who can hold on to the fence the longest

got out of hand.

Finally, Lee, what's your relationship with Greg?

This is Greg. I was so nervous about appearing on TV for the first time

that I made him come with me and pretend we were a double act.

David's team, where do you want to start?

So, Clare, where were you when the squirrel jumped into your handbag?

I was filming in Devon for Countryfile

and I was doing one of those links, you know,

when you walk along the cliff top, essentially. I'd left my bag

under a tree and sometimes there are little sweeties left in it

and I assume that is why the squirrel got in it.

You know when you get those selection chocolates

and there's some...the Topics that nobody likes?

I think I'd left...except unless you're a squirrel,

in which case, huh-huh.

Well, it's the one thing they say about squirrels -

they're not fussy when it comes to Quality Street.

-So, as you approached the bag...

-Yes.

-..what did you see?

-How were you alerted to this?

-It was moving.

And what did you do then? Did you continue to approach?

Yeah, I thought, "There's something in my bag,"

and then when I got close,

I thought, "It'll jump out because I'm near to it," but it wouldn't.

You're approaching the bag, Clare, it's moving about,

-you know there's a squirrel, you continue to approach.

-Yes.

What happens then?

The squirrel's doing its thing...

-Continues to rummage.

-Yeah, going through my diary, my phone...

-Helping itself to a strawberry cream.

-Yeah, yeah.

You know, "I don't know why people are so fussy."

The cameraman said, "Don't touch it because you might get bitten,"

and he said, "We'll call the RSPCA, they'll know what to do."

Had you tried tipping it upside down?

I've seen women do that to get things out.

Not if you've got earrings in the bag

in the middle of a field in Devon. You're not going to do that.

There's a great image of the squirrel wearing the earrings

and reading the diary.

LAUGHTER

"She's got a busy December, no wonder she can afford these."

So, they rang the RSPCA, Greg came up to a cliff top in Devon...

CLARE: It did take a while.

RHOD: And the squirrel was still in your bag?

Yeah.

How did he get it out? How did he get the squirrel out?

The squirrel had probably had enough by then

so he didn't even have to do much.

The squirrel came out of his own accord?

Indeed, as he approached the bag.

All right. David, what about the others?

-OK, Rob, a fence-holding-on contest that got out of hand.

-Yes.

You said all night, Rob, was that it?

-You went on all night, the fence-holding.

-Correct.

-Are you standing on the fence...?

-No, we're standing next to a fence,

we're standing next to a wooden picket fence.

-Touching it.

-Touching it.

And where were you?

We were in Pittsfield, Massachusetts.

One of you said, "I'm not saying it's boring here in Massachusetts,

"but who fancies holding on to that fence all night?"

Fair. We had...

There'd just been a documentary that was sweeping the nation

called Hands On A Hard Body, and it was about these people

who could win a Toyota pick-up truck if...

whoever held on to or whoever touched it for the longest.

So we had just seen this documentary and we were very drunk

so we thought...we were like,

"Ha, wouldn't it be funny if we did this?"

And then we did it for...

nine hours.

And who is Greg? I mean, how was he there?

Greg is the older brother - you can see he's quite a bit older than me.

He was the older brother of my friend that I went to college with.

Did you learn a lot about Greg?

More than I'd care to know.

Could we have five Greg facts?

-Uh...

-LEE:

-Opened his own bakery.

-Let's see.

LAUGHTER

That was the big one.

Who won?

We agreed at five o'clock in the morning that we were both winners

and that as 5am approached...

So you started this at what time?

-About 8pm.

-You started that at 8pm?

That's very early to start a fence-holding game.

Yeah, it's quite early to be... to go that strange.

Yeah.

When had you started drinking?

Meh, four or so in the afternoon.

All right, maybe.

OK, now what about Lee?

-DAVID:

-OK, Lee. Um.... Just remind us of what it was that you said.

This is Greg and I was so nervous about my first TV appearance

that I made him come along with me and pretend we were a double act.

What was your first TV appearance?

It was on a programme called Pump Television.

What's that?

It was a sort of magazine type show.

It was a bit funky and happening. it was like The One Show

but for people that are allowed out in the day.

-And what were you doing on the show?

-Just being interviewed.

It was Reading television

and I'd just won a competition for new comedians up in Edinburgh.

What year was this?

1995.

But you didn't win in Edinburgh till 1997.

That's right, sorry. I've completely messed up the story.

I went on the show, Pump TV, to tell them

that I could predict the future.

LAUGHTER

You know, you said to us that you were a double act.

What sort of a double act?

I rang up and said, "Sorry, I'm actually a...

"I do a bit of double act work. Can I bring my double act partner

"on as well?" They said, "Fine, what does your double act partner do?"

and without thinking, I said, "He's a juggler."

What happened when you got there? Did he have to get there and juggle?

There's another twist to this story...

Is the other twist to this story that it's a complete lie?

No, Rhod, I don't think that would be a twist.

So, he comes...he comes on the show and I tell him

fairly last minute, I think maybe an hour or two's notice,

"Oh, by the way, I may have told them that you were a juggler."

So now he's panicking, isn't he? So what does he do?

Cos he thinks he's going to be asked to juggle on the show

and he can't juggle. So he bandaged his arm up and so thus he wasn't...

If they said, "Can you juggle?"

He can say, "I can't, I've hurt my arm."

All the way there in the car you're not talking about

-why you're driving all this way...

-We didn't drive together.

He couldn't - he'd injured his arm juggling.

That's not right.

That's not right, is it? Now I'M starting to think...

No, I met him at the studio because he actually is from Reading.

That's handy, isn't it? That was good, wasn't it?

Were there any other guests on the TV show?

I can't remember now. I think there was a person who had a dog

-and the dog did something.

-Yeah.

Uh, there was a bit of...it's a magazine.

-DAVID:

-Maybe he actually didn't have a dog

but he just persuaded the dog to come on because he was nervous.

All right, we need an answer.

So, David's team, is Greg Clare's squirrel saviour,

Rob's fence-feeler

or Lee's pretend partner?

It's a pretty unappetising menu, isn't it?

I don't believe Clare Balding. I don't believe

that she would be scared, somebody who hosts Countryfile.

If there was a sound man there with a boom,

you could have used that furry boom to entice...

Like, maybe he could have pretended it was a badger.

Also, if you were a lady

and you saw your handbag moving, you wouldn't immediately think

squirrel in there, you'd think, "Oh, God, it's gone off again."

LAUGHTER

What about Rob's story?

There was a lot of detail with Rob's fence-holding story.

I like Rob's. It could very well be true, but...

I think so. Greg's hands were made for holding on to fences.

So, you think Rob. Rhod, who do you think?

I think because Lee so rarely sounds plausible,

I think it'd be nice to give him a little go.

You think that when Lee went on Pump TV in 1995

with an average viewing figure of 14...

he was too nervous to go on his own?

I do, I do.

Yeah, I think Rob, I think Rob.

You're going to say Rob Delaney.

That's what we're going for.

OK, so, Greg, would you please reveal your true identity?

My name is Greg and I pretended to be in a double act with Lee.

APPLAUSE

Yes, Greg is Lee's pretend partner.

Now, we have a picture of Lee and Greg on TV together.

There they are.

-NICK:

-That's brilliant!

I can see Greg in the picture.

-LEE:

-Who's the really skinny fella?

Who's the 70-year-old man who's dying?

I'll tell you what, David, coming from you, that is rich.

It is true, I was very thin.

I was 9st there, I was a skinny lad.

Good lord. But we've made great advances in medicine

and he's here with us today.

Thanks very much, Greg.

APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies,

and we start with...

It's David.

The night before the bin men come, I go to bed wearing earmuffs.

That way I'm spared their irritating early morning clank of trash.

What day do the bin men come?

Thursday morning.

CLARE: I think it's instantly believable

because we know him to be grumpy and, you know,

intolerant and easily disturbed.

Oh, hang on, can I have a go with the list?

Why earmuffs and not just little in-the-ear thingies, you know?

I don't like things in there.

I don't like to be, you know, penetrated.

What do your earmuffs look like, David?

They're grey.

Do they have, like, a nice plastic strap along the top?

No, they're two single, separate muffs.

Oh, I see, you put them on your ears then put a Hoover on your mouth.

- Is that how they work? - Precisely, yes.

Then you have to block all the holes quickly.

No, no, they have got a linking plasticity.

Are your muffs fluffy?

They're...yeah, they have a, I would say...

You know, there's... Yeah, yeah. I mean, yes. Yes, they're fluffy.

What do you sleep in apart from the earmuffs?

Nothing at all.

-LEE:

-So you're naked?

No, I...pyjamas.

So sometimes your relatively new wife wakes up

on a Thursday morning with your matching pyjamas and earmuffs.

No, no, the earmuffs don't match the pyjamas.

-I know that, but...

-Does she secretly quite like you

in the earmuffs? I mean, does she say you look very sweet?

It's not become a problem in our relationship.

-LEE:

-I would have ended the sentence as

"Does she secretly quite like you?"

Because I get phone calls often from her going,

"I don't know how this can carry on -

"the earmuffs, the matching pyjamas..."

Now, when do the muffs go on?

Because we get into bed at night, don't we,

but we have several things to accomplish before we go to sleep.

-Yeah.

-Be it a quick look at an iPad or tablet,

be it browsing a book or be it celebrating

a very special aspect of the marriage.

That's broadcastable! Would...?

Your proudest boast.

So, would you wait for the muffs to go on

until all other business has been attended to?

All other business has been attended to,

be it a crossword or something even less broadcastable.

It has all happened before the muffs go on.

The only thing I have not done - and I'm very particular about this -

before I put the earmuffs on, is go to sleep...

..because I find it very difficult to put them on whilst unconscious.

But what if you've had a particularly exerting crossword, OK?

The two of you have been going at this crossword

for half an hour, 40 minutes, relentlessly.

You finally finish the crossword,

let's say 14 down has been particularly tricky,

and you fall back with, "Oh, my God, that was fantastic.

"Where are me muffs?"

Well, I don't know if it's just a thing in our relationship,

but crosswords don't take us that long.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

What are we thinking, Lee, and Lee's team?

What do we think?

-I think that it is not true.

-OK.

You know when you have to wake up to pee sometimes?

That's when I'd throw them on. You know, all night, I don't know.

-I don't always wake up to pee.

-I wish I...

CLARE: Oh, no!

So, erm...

LAUGHTER

So, you're saying it's... What do we think?

Essentially, I think it's a well-told lie.

You think it's a lie. OK, we'll say it's a lie.

You're saying lie. OK, David, truth or lie?

It is a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie -

David doesn't wear earmuffs the night before the bin men come.

Next.

It's Lee.

Because I can never remember the phonetic alphabet,

I have invented one of my own

based on things I can see from my bedroom window.

Now I never forget it.

Now, in case there are people watching perhaps

who don't know what the phonetic alphabet is...

Can I just say, I'm one of them.

It's... You know, it's kind of Alpha, Bravo, Charlie...

-DAVID:

-Why is that called the phonetic alphabet?

There's nothing phonetic about it.

Just do us a favour, lads -

keep discussing, it gives me more thinking time.

-So, Lee...

-Yes.

-..take us through it.

Well, where would you like me to start?

-Z.

-A.

A for apple tree. And to the point where I will do this on the phone

when they say, "What's your postcode?" I will use these.

-Carry on.

-B. This is the one that can get confusing -

B for bird, because obviously the bird is not always there.

But you can always hear or sense a bird, so B for bird.

C for cat. There's always a cat -

I think I know why there's no birds.

D, think you know where I'm going with this.

LAUGHTER

I'm surprised the cat's still there, I really am.

Do you sometimes find there's no C when there's a D?

Often, I can say D, there'll definitely be no C and B ever.

We don't need it all. What's H?

H will be for hospital.

What's V?

V is for a word I'm not allowed to say on national television,

but all I will say is the next-door neighbour,

she likes to sunbathe naked.

LAUGHTER

Unless... This is a weird one, can't do C and V at the same time

because she's got an allergy to cats.

-DAVID:

-R.

I know, it's a shame, isn't it?

- R. - Oh, I see.

LAUGHTER

What's the name of the hospital?

-What?

-What?!

H, you said H for hospital.

All I can see is the A&E sign,

or as I call it, apple tree and Edna.

Take me to apple tree and Edna!

So you don't know the name of your nearest hospital?

Not interested. I don't need to know the name of it.

I'm afraid at that point - and only at that point -

I ceased to believe you,

what otherwise seemed like an excellent system.

I don't know the name of it

but I can certainly spell hospital for you.

H for Harry.

No, for hospital, for hospital! You said it's for hospital.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes, that's...

Even though I say so myself, that was a bad mistake.

LAUGHTER

So, what are your team thinking?

I don't believe it at all. At all.

-What about you, Nick?

-I think that he does do this

and he's made it a nice lovely story to throw us,

but I think that Lee actually does,

when he can't think of the real life ones, will say Edna or whatever.

Just to be clear, perhaps the most fascinating moment

of the whole evening... Nick, you think that's true?

I think it's true!

OK, it's time to decide.

-A lie.

-Lie, OK, you say it's a lie. Well, here we go.

Lee, is it true or is it a lie?

You have to actually ask?

Yes, it's all a lie - Lee hasn't invented his own phonetic alphabet.

BUZZER

And that noise signals time is up. It's the end of the show

and I can reveal that Lee's team have won by four points to one.

APPLAUSE

But it's not just a team game -

my individual liar of the week this week is Rob Delaney.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's Rob Delaney. All night long, the American has been lying

through his perfectly-aligned pearly white teeth.

Good night.

APPLAUSE