Episode 4 Would I Lie to You?

APPLAUSE

Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie to You?

The show with barefaced lies and well-masked truths.

On David Mitchell's team tonight - a comedian who's been all over

the world, from Australia to the United States. In fact,

the only place he hasn't been is a hair dresser's. It's Alan Davies.

APPLAUSE

And a woman who, when she was at university, earned a first-class degree in Romantic poetry.

I must tell her the one I wrote - 'There once was a man

'from Nantucket who's...'

Another time. It's Germaine Greer.

APPLAUSE

And on Lee Mack's team tonight, he's the host of Pointless,

one of BBC's most popular tea-time shows, or as students call it,

breakfast television. It's Richard Osman.

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And a footballer who played for Nottingham Forest, Newcastle United,

Spurs, Aston Villa and QPR. Meaning he was either

hugely in demand or couldn't get on with anybody.

It's Jermaine Jenas.

APPLAUSE

And so we begin with round one - Home Truths - where our panellists

each read out a statement from the card in front of them.

Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

Richard, you're up first tonight.

Last year, at a party...

I shared a Jacuzzi with three of the Eggheads.

LAUGHTER

David Mitchell's team.

Which...which three Eggheads?

Ah, it was Barry...

LAUGHTER

I know, right? Kevin...

..and Chris.

Are The Eggheads only allowed in a Jacuzzi for three minutes?

LAUGHTER

What was the party?

Well it was...all of the sort of quiz shows together.

We were doing a big photo shoot, and it was us,

and by us I mean Pointless. It was Eggheads, The Chase

and, like, Fifteen to One.

How did you get all them in?!

Just out of interest, who initiated the Jacuzzi-ing?

There had been photographs earlier, and then

later in the evening people were jumping in of their own accord.

-Right, OK.

-What was the photo shoot for?

Radio Times, TV Times, one of those.

So the concept for the photo was three Eggheads and you in a Jacuzzi.

What were the...what were the Fifteen to One-ers and the Chasers doing?

We were doing all sorts of photographs,

drinking champagne, Jacuzzi. It was supposed to be, you know...

decadence and all this kind of stuff.

The concept was decadence in the quizzing community.

I think it was...champagne,

chocolates, just being decadent, I think, yes.

-Chocolates in a Jacuzzi?

-Not IN a Jacuzzi, we hadn't gone mad!

-Sort of a box of Black Magic bobbing by?

I think photographing a lot of people from different quiz shows

in a ridiculously kind of opulent setting

is the sort of idea that a listings magazine might have.

For example, for the last series of this they had us sitting

round a table pretending to play poker and pulling loads of faces.

-Yes.

-It's the kind of stunt that they do, rather than just

having a normal photograph and then

a note of when the programme is on, which is all you need.

I rather enjoyed the poker photo.

It was a lovely opportunity to spend time with you and Lee

out of this environment. But never mind, if you weren't happy...

To be honest with you, Rob, I also had a terrible time.

LAUGHTER

Right, it's time to make your mind up.

What way are you leaning, Alan?

I don't think it's true.

I can see the photo shoot, but I just can't see him in a Jacuzzi.

Continuing to party at the end of a photo shoot is certainly not...

It's not something we considered, was it, Lee, at the end of the... the aforementioned poker?

Literally, as he put the cap on the end of the camera

-like that, we were in the taxi, weren't we?

-Yeah.

I remember as we drove off, winding the window down and hearing,

-IN WELSH ACCENT:

-"It's my round, lads."

LAUGHTER

"It's my round!" "Get your head down, he's looking."

Rob... Yeah. Rob sent me the end of his anecdote in five long texts.

So, Germaine, what do you think?

-IN A SING-SONG TONE:

-I'm going to say...

-Is this a musical?

-False. False.

You're saying a lie. You think it's a lie?

-A lie. A lie.

-So you both think it's a lie?

-Yeah.

-We'll say lie.

You're going to say it's a lie. OK, so, Richard - Jacuzzis,

photo shoot, truth or lie?

It is...

-lie. GERMAINE:

-Wahey.

Yes, it's a lie. Richard didn't share a Jacuzzi

with three of the Eggheads.

Germaine Greer, your turn.

Whenever I travel by tube, I look around the carriage to decide who

I'd eat first if we were a group of people stranded on a desert island.

LAUGHTER

-Lee.

-Wow.

I hope this isn't true, Germaine.

Although we are now all doing it.

And I think we all know what we're thinking.

Yeah. Yeah, it's not going to end well for me.

Thing about you is you could eat you and make a raft out of the bones.

LAUGHTER

So, Germaine, is this a thing you only do on the tube?

Well, you know how... I mean, you can sit on the tube,

stupefied with boredom

and ask yourself what everyone would look like undressed, and that is

just so, so depressing a thought

that I've started to work variations

on this theme, and thinking, you know, who looks...toothsome.

Toothsome?

Yes. Who would you like to sink your teeth into?

I thought looking toothsome meant you had a lot of teeth.

-Well, you thought wrong.

-Really? Did I, really?

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

How do you make the judgment call, then? Is it just the fattest or...?

No, it's not just the fattest,

-cos they're probably the least interesting. You might decide...

-"Interesting"? Interesting?

-Don't know about interesting....

-Well, because it's just lard.

Unfortunately, it's positively correlated with youth.

-So you like the idea of eating youth?

-Uh-oh.

LAUGHTER

Imagine, Germaine, we're all on the tube together.

Hang on, she's eyeing me up. She's fully eyeing me up.

In which order do you eat us?

Well, Jermaine is quite right, he has to go first.

He's the fittest.

-That's an assumption.

-RICHARD:

-Whoa.

Thank you very much.

So you're starting with, with Jermaine. All right,

we'll allow you that. Who do you turn to next?

I think it would probably be Alan next.

-It's hard to know if it's a compliment or not, isn't it?

-I know.

Do you remember that feeling at school when you were lined up

and they were picking the football team?

And the only thing you can think was, "I better not be last."

It's happening again!

So you've had Jermaine and Alan. Who do you go to next?

-Ah, David, I think.

-Thank you.

It does feel like an honour, doesn't it?

It does. I'm very proud to finish in the top half of the table.

Why would you go to... Why, for Lord's sake, would you go to

David before me?

To a lesser extent Lee, and Richard? Why?

I think Richard would be a bit difficult to handle, to manage.

LAUGHTER

So you've go the three of us left - who's next?

It would be a matter of how one cooked you.

LAUGHTER

Crackling is what comes to mind.

I don't know if she's insulting me or praising me.

Everybody loves crackling, if it's made properly.

Yes, I like that. So it's me next, is it?

Well, yes, maybe. Look, this is getting out of hand,

I'm afraid I'm full already.

I'm not even hungry any more.

Take it a little more seriously, please.

So you're left now...you're left with the two stragglers,

you've been pushing them round your plate, you really don't

want to know. It's Lee and Richard, who do you go to next?

I can't help thinking at this point I'd have probably got off the tube.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-ALAN:

-Once she started eating people!

So who is last, just to be sure?

For when I get the t-shirts printed.

I thought I'd... I thought I'd spared Richard.

You spared Richard cos you think he's too big, so Lee.

-Let him go.

-Lee is technically last, excellent. So...

Lee is last, but you refuse to eat Richard at all.

So what do you think?

Very detailed about what... She knew.

When she looked into your eyes and said, "I'd like to eat you first."

I saw. Yeah, I told you, the eyes told me. Yeah. "You're going."

-You felt true.

-To be honest with you,

in the make-up room before, I was like...

Things are coming back to me now, actually, yeah.

Yeah, cos she was, she was basting you, wasn't she?

LAUGHTER

-So what's it going to be?

-What do we think, Richard?

Well, I think... Well, just look in her eyes, it's so true.

-So you both think it's true?

-Yeah.

-I think it's a lie.

-Oh, do you?

-Yeah. I'll go with the majority cos I'm weak.

OK, you're going to say true. Germaine, truth or lie?

-Lie.

-No!

Yes, it was a lie all along.

Our next round is called This Is My...

where we bring on a mystery guest who has a close connection

to one of our panellists.

Now, this week, each of David's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest

and it's up to Lee's team to spot who is telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's special guest, Wally.

APPLAUSE

So, Germaine Greer, what is Wally to you?

Oh, this is Wally.

He's the crane driver who once let me

sit in his cabin, 50 feet above my house.

Alan, how do you know Wally?

This is Wally,

and during one of his driving lessons, I crashed into the Co-op.

And finally, David, what is your relationship with Wally?

This is Wally, and he intervened

when I got into a whispered row with a woman in a library.

LAUGHTER

So, there it is. Lee's team, where do you want to start?

Wally's got the top half of Alan's face and the bottom half of David's.

LAUGHTER

I think you'll find Germaine's got those in her fridge.

APPLAUSE

OK, well, let's start with Alan. When was this?

I was 17.

Sorry, this was a lesson or a test?

It was the day before my test.

I'm in a Mini,

and Wally's with me, helping me learn.

-Oh, he wasn't the instructor?

-He's not a driving instructor.

Oh, OK, so he's your mate. Right, and what caused

you to go into the Co-op?

Um I just...

I didn't stop.

It pulled out in front of me, Lee.

Talk us through the incident, then.

It's where I grew up. I grew up in Essex

and it was the biggest supermarket in Europe.

-The Co-op?

-The Co-op.

-Which town was that in?

-In Loughton, where I... That's where I grew up.

Oh, the Loughton Co-op, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's the only supermarket seen from space.

LAUGHTER

But it's hard to spot if you're driving.

-Did you scrape it or did you go bang into it?

-No, straight into it.

Into a window or a wall?

The wall. Instead of braking, I accelerated.

How much damage did you do to the car?

Well, it wouldn't go.

-Really, it was that bad?

-Yeah.

I can't get over the hair, they've gotta be mates.

They come from that town where that is the hair.

How did the manager of the Co-op, who came out with presumably

the same hairstyle...

How did he react?

Maybe Alan tried to blame Wally, pointed,

but there was like 20, 30 blokes

and you had to work out where Wally was.

LAUGHTER

So the manager came out, and what was the response?

I don't remember anyone coming out.

The car has gone into the wall of the Co-op

and everything just carries on?!

Did you have to put a pound into the back to release it?

LAUGHTER

All right, so who would you like to speak to next?

Germaine, what was the crane doing?

I presume there was building work going on?

It was to do with an electricity substation.

So he was doing some work...

The crane was there for a few days

before I actually approached him

and asked him if I could go up in the cabin.

And when I first asked him, he was distinctly un-keen.

When you say you asked him, where was he? Or did you shout,

-IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-"Can I come up to your cabin?"

LAUGHTER

"I wanna sit on your crane in your cabin.

"Come on, don't be a dingo, let me in your cabin."

-Was that the thrust of the conversation?

-He'd come down off the crane.

Oh, he was already down, ready to go home and you grabbed him and went, "Get up there, mate."

And so I asked him again if I could nip up and have a look at a...

And did he go up with you?

No, well, the thing is, he didn't really wanna do it,

so I did my best to persuade him.

How did you persuade him?

What, you put a white hanky over his mouth and suffocated him?

You said, "Smell that," and he woke up in the cabin.

"Ahhh, let me out, I'm going to tell the police."

He would have had to be dragged up unconscious. I couldn't have done that. Let me just say that...

It was only the practicalities that stopped her from doing it.

Let me simply say that money changed hands.

And how much did he have to pay you?

LAUGHTER

So did you both go up to the cabin?

He said I had to go first, just in case I missed my footing.

Oh, and he went up right behind you?

-Not right behind.

-Wally, you pervert!

LAUGHTER

OK, so you're up in the crane,

is there room for two people in those things?

-Barely. It was...

-So it was intimate?

-Not really, but it was uncomfortable.

-You can't have it both ways.

You certainly can't have it both ways in that, it's too small.

Have some respect for Germaine Greer.

So sorry about my friend.

It was pretty cramped, but he showed me how you use the controls.

You're telling me now that you actually had a go of it?

No, I didn't have a go of it,

but I... Well, I can use a digger and an excavator

so I know how to balance the two hands.

Well why, why do you know how to use a digger?

Because I dig holes.

LAUGHTER

What about David?

David, can you remind me of your statement?

This is Wally and he intervened

when I had a whispered row with a woman in a library.

What was the row about?

It was about noise.

-Who started the row?

-Yeah, who started the row?

I... Well, I would say she started it

but the noise that it was about was my responsibility.

I was in the loo.

-Was what?

-What?

I was in the loo when the noise happened

but the noise didn't emanate from the loo.

It was my phone

made the noise

while I was in the loo.

Because it was on silent, but it vibrated and sort of...you know.

-Where was it? You left it in the library?

-I'd left it on the table by my...

-Oh, you'd left the thing, gone to the toilet.

-..by my laptop.

So you'd come back from the toilet, could you hear the... It's that

"nuhh" noise, yes? "Nuhhhh."

Yeah, well, that's... Yes, I was in the toilet and...

And you heard the nuhhhhh?

No, no, I couldn't hear that noise...

Oh, great, he's now doing impressions of inanimate objects.

-I thought he was doing me on the toilet, sorry!

-Do your blender, do your blender!

No, that's not you on the toilet, no that's more of a...

-IMITATING DAVID:

-"I wonder how long I'll be here for?"

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So what happens next?

Well, I come out of the toilet and she's immediately

incensed and comes up to me and has a massive whispered go at me about...What did she say?

She said, "I've been trying to work in here and you've

"been making noise all the time and now that phone has

"gone off two or three times!" And I'm sort of going, "I'm sorry,

"I didn't realise that, I just left it there in error, I'm very

"sorry, there's no need to take that tone with me, though, madam.

"There's no need to be so rude, I'll turn my phone off now.

"I'm sorry, but..."

"Nuhhhhh, nuhhhhh."

So this carries on for a few minutes

and then Wally, who works there, comes up and has a word with us both

and says, you know, "Be quiet and get on with your work."

OK, we do need an answer, so Lee's team, is Wally Germaine's

crane companion, Alan's car crasher or David's bookish buddy?

He's got a bit of library about him, hasn't he?

He has got a whiff of book about him.

-He looks...

-That's my new fragrance for Christmas.

LAUGHTER

If I had to choose, I would say Alan.

What are you thinking, Jermaine?

The whispering argument, I can actually...I can see it happening.

-And I bizarrely think it might be Germaine.

-Ah, brilliant.

OK, so Jermaine thinks it's David.

-Yes, I do.

-I think it's Alan.

-You think it's Alan

and I think it's Germaine.

Let's say it's Germaine, then.

Jermaine has to pick?

Yeah, I think Jermaine should say Germaine.

I'm handing the leadership qualities over to Jermaine

-and letting him decide who it is, providing he says Germaine.

-What are you saying, Jermaine?

-We collectively think it's David.

-No! No, we don't.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, you're saying David? OK.

So, Lee's team, after a thorough democratic process

are settling on David.

Wally, would you please reveal your true identity?

My name is Wally and I was teaching Alan how to drive

when he crashed into the Co-op car park.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much, Wally.

Which brings us to our final round, Quickfire Lies, and we start with...

..it's Lee.

After an incident last year, I have a fear that

some of my neighbours think I hunt ducklings.

LAUGHTER

-David's team.

-What was the incident?

Hang on.

Ah, got it.

So...I live by a river.

-Yeah.

-That much is true.

-Mm-hm.

-We know it's true because we've both enjoyed an evening,

-one of his evenings at his house.

-We have, indeed.

You remember it, David, don't you? Cos you and Rob both left

and then 10 minutes later you snuck back, didn't you, David?

"He's gone. He's gone."

And I remember as David drove off, going,

"I'll give you a lift, David.

"David! David!"

-So, I live by the river.

-Yeah.

And there was a duckling in the front of our house.

-Let's call it the driveway.

-Oh, right, right, yeah.

I didn't want to say driveway cos I'll start making me

all showbiz that I've got a car.

Anyway, so there is the duckling, right?

Which part of the driveway - was it down by the gates

or where it sweeps up around the lawn?

I don't know how it had got over the moat, to be honest with you.

Actually a duckling would be quite good at that.

I reckon I know how, I've been thinking about it!

-So this duckling on its own.

-Yeah, so there's a duckling.

It's on the drive.

He's on the driveway, this was the yellow fluffy variety.

-Right.

-And so I decided I must catch the duckling

-and try and put it back in the water.

-Yeah.

-In the river.

-Why?

You mean, why have I got a heart, David?

-AS DAVID:

-"Why did you bother about this non-human thing?"

-Yes.

-IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-"Why didn't you eat it?"

So, yeah... No, duck is...

"Why don't you baste it, fry it and shove it in your mouth?"

-Are you saying that it...?

-"Why didn't you?"

Sorry. Sorry, David.

Yeah, I mean, you could, you've had enough time to invent anything now.

-Right.

-So you see the duckling on the drive.

-Yes.

-You pick up, what is this thing that you're picking up?

-This?

Well, this is... I have a big net in my house.

Right.

And so I see this duck and I catch it

-and I scoop it up so I've now got a duck in the net.

-Oh, right.

And my plan was to look round for lots of baby ducklings

and a sort of adult sized duck going...

-And that was my plan.

-Right.

-You did say the duckling was yellow.

Did I?

Yeah, what colour are the ducks on the river?

-RICHARD: Uh-oh.

-What?

Can we go into conference for a moment?

Because the ducks on the river are almost certainly mallards.

-Yes.

-And their ducklings are NOT yellow.

Yeah, but this wasn't complete, this wasn't a pure mallard.

I don't care. Wrong.

Now, one of the most important things not to do with ducklings

when you find them in the spring is to touch them or handle them at all.

Oh, Lee. Lee...

-Because the mother will reject them.

-Yes.

I didn't handle him, I netted him.

Do you know why I didn't handle him?

Because the mother would have rejected it.

APPLAUSE

So how far have you walked at this point?

A long way because I couldn't find any ducks and any ducklings.

So I'm now walking up and I have noticed that people have passed me

and I've given them the, "All right?" And they've gone...

"All right?" Like that.

It dawns on me after half a mile they're going,

"I think..." This stretch of the river which is famous for fishing.

"I think that weirdo has been catching ducklings."

They think I've scooped one out,

-cos it's a proper big fishing net I've got.

-Right.

So I decided to go home, ring up the RSPCB and...

-RSPCD.

-B, I said.

-D. P.

-It's the RSPB...

-Oh, sorry, sorry.

-RSPB, you idiot.

-Or the RSPCA.

You thought it was D, you weirdo!

Preventing cruelty to ducklings, that's a very niche market.

"Oh, no, no, we're only goslings."

So what do you think, David? Is he telling the truth?

I should point out that we did find out that it was a goose.

-So it was a bright yellow gosling.

-It was bright yellow

and I thought it was a duckling and it was actually a gosling.

-Goslings are bright yellow.

-Are they?

-Mm.

-OK, what are you thinking?

-The thing is, it's so heavily embroidered, this story...

-Yeah.

-But I think it's substantially true.

-Alan?

Well, throughout the story, I thought it was complete nonsense.

Yes, I did throughout but then there was something about him saying

they came back and they said actually it was a baby goose

and it having been yellow,

that's tipped me into thinking it might be true.

-I'm going to say true.

-True?

-Yeah.

OK. Lee, truth or lie?

It is in fact...

true.

APPLAUSE

Next...

It's Jermaine.

The night before the biggest game of my career,

a team-mate woke me up by practising his trumpet.

David's team.

I'm assuming that's not a euphemism.

What time was this?

12, 12.30, something like that.

So why were you cohabiting with a trumpeter?

Now, just please, please just use that as the trailer

and nothing else.

That's it, that's all we need.

It's not something that you ask, is it?

I mean, "Are you a trumpeter?" And, "Let's room together."

-I don't know, it was just...

-But he was from your team.

-He was, yeah, he was in my team.

-ALAN:

-What team was it?

When I was at Newcastle United.

So where were you?

-I was in a hotel.

-A hotel.

-Yeah.

-Where?

-Erm, it was...

-..in Newcas...

-Think about the other team you were playing

and it'll probably be the same answer.

-Were you just about to say in Newcastle?

-It was in Newcastle, yeah.

Why would you be in a hotel in your own home town?

Because we were playing against Sunderland.

Oh, fair enough.

Sometimes the manager likes to just keep the players together.

-Yes, I have heard of that.

-ALAN:

-Under lock and key.

-Who was the trumpeter?

-It was Nobby Solano.

Oh, Nobby Solano. He's from Peru.

What was he playing?

I can't help thinking if someone wakes you up playing a trumpet

in your ear, you don't go, "Oh, what is that? Is that...?

"No, no, no, don't tell me, carry on playing. Erm...

"I'll get this."

It was something like those Mexican kind of food adverts, like...

HE MIMICS THE MEXICAN HAT DANCE

More, more, more!

And you say this was Nobby Solero.

-Nobby Solano.

-Nobby Solero is a very adult ice cream.

APPLAUSE

So where is he trumpeting?

He was, like, kind of like sat at the edge of his bed,

like this with a stand and...

A stand?!

He'd set up his...

Can I just say, if this is a lie, don't push it, son.

Stand and a baton!

-He'd set up his music stand.

-Tunic, got a tunic and a hat on.

Strap under his chin.

Two, three, four...

HE MIMICS THE MEXICAN HAT DANCE

-And what was his excuse?

-That he's practising, that was it.

And did the conversation go further? Did you say...?

Well I just said, you know, "Put it away."

-I dread to think...

-And also stop playing the trumpet.

What do you think? I mean, I know the world of football is not one

that you're overly familiar with.

Yes, but I am an expert in nocturnal trumpeting so...

..you know, it balances out. What do you think, Germaine?

It's certainly true that people tolerate a lot of noise

-in South America, generally.

-OK, you think...?

-ALAN:

-I wouldn't be surprised. I'm going true.

-We'll go true.

OK, Jermaine, truth or lie?

It's...

-true.

-Oh, wow.

-Wow.

APPLAUSE

BUZZER

And that noise signals time is up. It's the end of the show.

I can reveal David's team have five points

and Lee's team have nil.

APPLAUSE

But, of course, it's not just a team game.

My individual liar of the week this week

is Germaine Greer.

APPLAUSE

Yes, Germaine Greer, a feminist who not only burnt her bra

but now her pants are on fire as well!

-Goodnight.

-APPLAUSE