Episode 3 Would I Lie to You?


Episode 3

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You?

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the show where deception is the dish of the day.

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And on Lee Mack's team tonight - charismatic, charming, gorgeous,

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and a beautiful Welsh accent,

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but enough about me, it's Alex Jones.

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And a man who in the 1970s' punk era was an angry young poet.

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Of course, he's completely different now,

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he's an angry old poet, it's John Cooper Clarke.

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And on David Mitchell's team tonight, a comedian

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who used to be a drama teacher. Shakespeare, Chekhov, Pinter,

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were just some of the books he threw at the pupils, it's Greg Davies.

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And a TV presenter who regularly hosts episodes of Made In Chelsea.

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Now, if you've not seen the show, just imagine a really good drama

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and watch that instead, it's Rick Edwards.

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And so to Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists read out

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a statement from the card in front of them.

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Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

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they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

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It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction,

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-and Alex is first up tonight.

-OK.

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The first time I used eBay, I accidently bought a canoe

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instead of a handbag.

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David's team.

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Well, how did that error occur?

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Well, back in the day, when eBay was pretty new,

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I thought I'd have a little go and I quite like vintage-y stuff

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and old clothes - although when they're delivered

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it's not quite as good

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cos they always smell a bit musty and have an air of dead people -

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-but I like the idea.

-Yeah.

-Um, and...

-Did you get that from eBay?

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HE SNIFFS

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Oh, is that you?

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Sorry, carry on.

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So, I was scrolling through, as you do, and saw a lovely clutch bag.

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I know I've lost you all already, haven't I?

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-What's a clutch bag?

-A clutch bag is a, is a little bag...

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-For keeping the pedal from a car in.

-..that you clutch.

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And you have an accelerator bag and a brake bag.

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So, what are we saying, Alex? You, you saw a clutch bag, you were miming putting the clutch bag

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under your arm to get into it and then you pressed canoe by accident?

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In fact, in the modern computer, they've taken the canoe button

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off the keyboard because this kept happening.

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-OK, you're looking at eBay, what happens next?

-I'm scrolling through.

-Right.

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It started off at 99p.

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99 pence, John. Are you in?

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-For a, for a vintage bag?

-Yeah.

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You're in. Anyway...

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-Next thing you know - £14!

-Ah!

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-I'm thinking about pulling out.

-Yep.

-Cos that's quite a lot for a vintage bag.

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-But anyway, on it went.

-Yeah.

-£32.

-And you're still bidding?

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Are you still in, John?

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Ah, no, I wasn't even in when it was 99p.

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You were wrong about that. You read me wrong there, Alex.

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I don't know what my body language was saying, but...

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-OK, so the price is going up, you're tracking, that's what they call it...

-£32.

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-We're 32.

-You're tracking the bag.

-And I think it's a good time to go to bed, leave it.

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-Next morning...

-Yeah.

-..email on the laptop...

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"Congratulations, your bid was successful.

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"You have bought a second hand red canoe."

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-It's quite a jump, isn't it?

-Yeah.

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You think that's a terrible story, there's some fella

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who's boat was going down, he says, "Don't worry, I've got this covered."

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Tried to squeeze a family of five into a vintage handbag.

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So, you emailed the canoe man saying,

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-"Instead of the canoe, could I have the..."

-The clutch bag.

-"..clutch handbag that looks like a..."

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-And he said, "I haven't got a clutch handbag to offer."

-Yeah.

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And I said, "Well, you've lied because I bid on a clutch handbag."

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Oh. So, do you think he was luring people in by putting photographs

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of vintage handbags, which people then bid on and bid on, bid on.

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Whatever they pay, whatever the handbag looks like,

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-they only get a canoe.

-Canoe.

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Maybe seven times out of ten, people make do with the canoe.

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He must have looked into it.

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Have you ever seen at the opening night of a film

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a glamorous starlet turning up with...

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The commentators are saying, "It's an incredibly large clutch bag."

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OK, what are you thinking, David?

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I think, I don't know. What do you think?

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-I...there's too much of a gap.

-Do you think it's true?

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-No, I think it's a lie.

-I think it's a lie, as well.

-We think it's a lie.

-You all think it's a lie?

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-We think it's a lie.

-Conclusively a lie.

-Conclusively a lie.

-OK, Alex, truth or lie?

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Silly boys, it was in fact...

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true.

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Well done, you.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Yes, it's true.

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Alex did accidentally buy a canoe instead of a handbag on eBay.

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Greg, your turn.

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I once caused an injury to one man whilst trying to get

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a different man to say the word vegetables.

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Lee's team.

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-Right. Just the word vegetables?

-Yeah.

-Do you really like the word vegetables?

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No, not as a general rule, no. But I liked it when this man said it.

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Why? What was it about this man, the way he said vegetables, that was funny?

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-Did he have a speech impediment, or...

-No, he didn't.

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He was a very intense man, though. And he was also Austrian.

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I was with a friend once - and he was a colleague of ours, sorry -

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and I overheard him say vegetables and we both found it incredibly funny...

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Sorry, can you just roughly give us an impression of how he used to say vegetables? Even just roughly.

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-He said it exactly like this...

-IN EXAGGERATED ACCENT:

-Vegeteballs.

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And then we happened to be on a coach trip with him and so we spent the whole coach trip trying

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-to get him to say vegetables again.

-So, where were you? Where were you going and how do you know him?

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-Ah, I was on a school trip. I used to be a teacher.

-And he was a teacher?

-Yeah, he was a teacher.

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-What did he teach?

-He was the head of languages and he was...

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-Head of languages?!

-Yeah.

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The head of languages used to go...

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-IN FUNNY ACCENT:

-..vegetable.

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-IN FUNNY ACCENT:

-Vegetables!

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Imagine, imagine I'm the man. OK, I'm on the coach.

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I'm sat. We're driving. Off you go.

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So, I said, so...

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Ja?

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-IN AUSTRIAN ACCENT:

-You're very big, aren't you?

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This isn't like him, at all.

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-IN CAMP AUSTRIAN ACCENT:

-You're very big, aren't you?

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That's him.

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So, I would saying things like,

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"Oh, I've, I've been trying to keep fit lately and I know that

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"you're into keep fit, what would you recommend for a healthy diet?"

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And he was going...

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-IN AUSTRIAN ACCENT:

-"Well, you know, I would...

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"you must eat a balanced diet. You must eat greens.

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"And, you, you must enjoy some protein in, in limited..."

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I was going, "Yeah, yeah. But, I mean, if you were to group some of

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"those foods together..."

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And he was going, "Well, yeah. You must have carbohydrates, of course.

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"And you must have..." And it was, it was horrific.

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It went on for about an hour and every time I tried to find

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a new angle for vegetables, his ludicrous Austrian interpretation

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of things led us down a dark alley. It took...it was literally an hour in the making.

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And how did you finally get him to say it?

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I honestly can't remember, it came out of nowhere

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and he suddenly said it and he said it with such passion.

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It was, he went, "Oh, well, of course, you must have vegetables!"

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I started biting my hand to stop myself from laughing.

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And my friend who was next to me,

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there was a jagged piece of metal at the front of the coach

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and because it was so funny - just to remind you...

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-IN FUNNY ACCENT:

-"Vegetables, of course!" -

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I went like this and my friend saw the piece of metal and pushed his knee into it on purpose

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to stop himself from laughing

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-and blood started like spraying out of his...

-Snout?

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Started spraying out of his knee, yeah.

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Oh, that was...this is a bit elaborate, this story.

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I'll tell you another detail. We went and did the trip, which was

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in Paris, and then after we came all the way back, all the way back to...

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to, Calais, and I said to him,

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"You know we put all the kids' passports in that hotel in Paris last night?

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"Did you, did you remember to..." Cos he was in charge of the trip, "..did you remember to bring those?"

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And he was standing up in front of the children on the coach

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and he went, "Oh, scheisse!"

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And he had to speak to the port authorities and get permission to

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take the kids on without passports while he went back on his own.

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Can I tell you one more detail, as well? We were also standing in the middle of Paris

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under the Eiffel Tower, we'd been there for an hour, and the kids were all running around,

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and he came over and went, "We must, we must go. We are late for our next appointment."

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And I said, "Well, we should just make sure that all the kids are here."

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And he goes, "Yes, of course we should. Yes." And he turned round and went,

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"Is everybody here?!"

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And all the kids went, "Yeah, yeah." And he went, "Well, then, we will move on."

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-IN FUNNY ACCENT:

-Vegetables!

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-What are you thinking, Lee?

-Oh.

-I think it's true.

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-True from John.

-Yeah, defo. Yeah.

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I think a lie. You are a fantastic actor, Mr Greg Davies.

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Well... So, what are you going to say?

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-OK. What do we think, Alex?

-I think you'll find I'm BAFTA nominated.

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We're all BAFTA nominated.

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False.

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OK, we'll go lie.

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-You're going to say it's a lie. Greg?

-Ah.

-Truth, or lie?

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It is the...

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-truth.

-Oh.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-Well, I'm sorry.

-Yes, that was all true.

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Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest

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who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

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Now, this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them

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that has the genuine connection to the guest

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and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

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So, please welcome this week's special guest, Mary.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Now, then, Mary is the dog, not the handler. OK? It's Mary and...

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Obviously, cos if Mary had been

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the handler, she wouldn't have had a dog,

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she would have had a little lamb. Wouldn't she?

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OK. Alex, what is Mary to you?

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This is Mary, a dog, and I had to spend an entire episode

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of The One Show covering up the fact that she'd been sick on me.

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OK. So, John, how do you know Mary?

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This is Mary, I recited a poem at her wedding.

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There we are, John's married mutt.

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And finally, Lee,

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what is your relationship with Mary?

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This is Mary and when she was pining for her owners,

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I sat up with her all night and tried to comfort her with a song.

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All right, David's team, where do you want to start?

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Alex, why was Mary on The One Show?

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-She was abandoned.

-So, if...

-I know you can't believe it.

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If a dog is ever abandoned in Britain, should it happen,

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they immediately get a slot on national television, just to sort

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it out, just to check that there are no dogs without homes ever.

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It was a very light day.

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Was it a day with...

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-AS MATT BAKER:

-"Me, Matt Baker." Or was it Chris Evans?

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It was...

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-AS MATT BAKER:

-"Me, Matt Baker," and Mary came on...

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-AS MATT BAKER:

-"It's me, Matt Baker, from the One Show."

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I think what we've learnt from that, ladies and gentlemen, is that Rob can't do Chris Evans.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Well... So, little Mary, comes on the show and we want to re-home her,

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we gave her lots of treats because she was on television,

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she came to sit on me and then

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the treats all became a bit much, under the lights, mess.

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OK, so you didn't have a story for The One Show,

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you scooped up a stray dog, pumped it full of sugar

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and got your just desserts.

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Why wasn't it immediately noticeable that Mary was being sick?

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Because as we were linking into whatever came next,

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it wasn't relevant, we'd moved away from Mary.

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Oh, yeah. Matt Baker was pushing Bounty bars into a pony's face by then.

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In the meantime, Mary is being violently sick.

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-So, you're talking about something else...

-Yeah.

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-We, we go onto something else.

-..you're stroking Mary on your knee...

-Stroking Mary.

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Then, Matt Baker's saying...

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Matt Baker's spooning Angel Delight into a fox.

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What I want to clarify is, what's on television at that moment?

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-My face.

-Your face? So, it's a close-up of your face?

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-See, it's only to here, so you can't...

-Can't see that you're stroking Mary

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-or that it's come to some sort of fruition...

-..and you can't see the mess.

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And they just said, "Just carry on."

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OK. Did Mary stay there or did Mary sort of think, "Well there's sick here"?

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She didn't have time to react anyway, Matt Baker was on top of her with a Curly Wurly, just...

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Well, you've got room for more now, haven't you? Yeah.

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OK. John, when you came up with your story,

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did you realise that Mary was a dog?

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Yes, of course.

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You do have dog weddings.

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Some owners channel their loneliness through events

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-like that, don't they?

-Well, I'm trying to... I've been to a lot of weddings in my...

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I'm just going through them - human, human, hu...

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Do you know what? I think they might all be human.

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-Now, listen, listen, dogs do...

-It is a fact that dogs get married.

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-Dogs get married.

-But also it is a fact that dogs don't get married.

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All right, OK.

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So, John, you wrote a poem and performed it at the wedding of Mary.

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-Tell us about the experience.

-Well, it was a poem I'd already written

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that had proved to be very popular at modern weddings.

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It's called I Wanna Be Yours and the first verse goes,

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"Let me be your vacuum cleaner breathing in your dust,

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"Let me be your Morris Marina, I will never rust.

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"If you like your coffee hot, let me be your coffee pot.

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"You call the shots, I wanna be yours."

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It goes on for another three verses.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you, thank you.

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Who is Mary's owner and do you know the owner?

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Yes, Mary's owners live next door but one

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on the right hand side of our house.

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-Going out...

-Right.

-If you're going out, she's on the right-hand side.

-No, it's a good point.

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-So, if you go in the back door, they're on the left, aren't they?

-Yeah, that's right.

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-I'm happy with that.

-And, John, describe the... What was the ceremony like?

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It was conducted by the vet...

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..who had neutered her husband.

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It's kind of sick. If the arrangements had have been explained to me beforehand,

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-I don't think I would have got involved.

-Yeah.

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What was the husband's name, the dog that was fulfilling

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-the role of the husband here, do you remember the name?

-Tyson.

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Tyson?

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Did you know Tyson, the owners of Tyson, or did you only know the owners of Mary?

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I knew the owners of Mary better, but I did know the owners of Tyson, as well.

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-So, Tyson and Mary weren't owned by the same people?

-No. No.

-So, how were they going to cohabit?

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-Cos usually dogs tend to live with their...

-Well, good question.

-..tend to live with their owners

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-rather than setting up home on their own.

-Good question, David.

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Tyson lived next door but one on the left going out.

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So, they saw a lot of each other without actually cohabitating.

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John, where did the wedding itself take place?

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Um...

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At a place called...Old Hall.

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They breed their own sheep.

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So, as it happens, Mary did have a little lamb.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Lee. OK, remind us.

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So, this is Mary and when she was pining for her owners,

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-I stayed up with her all night and comforted her with a song.

-Aww.

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Where were you? And why were you with Mary? And why was Mary not with her owners?

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My next door neighbours, they went away to a wedding -

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a human wedding, I don't know if you've heard of them -

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and they asked me and my wife to look after little Mary.

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So, the dog came round to your house...

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Well, no, we picked him up cos he doesn't know the way.

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-And so is Mary male?

-You just called him a he.

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Do you always call Mary "he"?

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Well, yeah, no. Sorry - she. Sorry, I always get mixed up.

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My husband Tara sorts it all out, I don't.

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So, what happened then?

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My wife went to bed and the kids were asleep, so it's just me and Mary.

0:18:130:18:16

You know, I was watching the TV and she was fine, she was happy

0:18:160:18:19

just sort of lying in front of the fire and then suddenly it started.

0:18:190:18:23

-What?

-The programme, it was brilliant!

0:18:230:18:25

The pining.

0:18:270:18:28

HE PINES PITIFULLY

0:18:280:18:30

Awww...

0:18:320:18:34

So, this pining it got worse, the pining got worse and worse

0:18:360:18:39

and it was breaking my heart, it really was,

0:18:390:18:41

and ruining the show I was watching. So, I...

0:18:410:18:43

It wasn't, it was The One Show, I didn't care. I phoned up...

0:18:430:18:48

Your wife goes to bed before The One Show?

0:18:480:18:51

-No, David. I'd recorded it.

-Good boy!

-I always record it.

0:18:520:18:56

-You record The One Show?

-Watch it when there's literally nothing else to watch.

0:18:560:19:00

And I phoned up my neighbour who was at the wedding

0:19:000:19:07

and I said, "Look, Mary's pining."

0:19:070:19:09

She said, "Have you tried everything?"

0:19:090:19:11

I said, "I've done everything. I've taken my foot off her tail. I've..."

0:19:110:19:14

So, they said - well you're not going to believe this - they said,

0:19:140:19:17

"But there is a way that you can keep her calm and she calms down."

0:19:170:19:20

-Right.

-"Do you by any chance have the song

0:19:200:19:24

"Money For Nothing by Dire Straits?"

0:19:240:19:26

And she said, the owner said,

0:19:290:19:32

"If you play that song on your CD player,

0:19:320:19:34

"Mary will calm down." So, I get the CD, I put it on and it was like magic.

0:19:340:19:39

It was unbelievable, the second it went...

0:19:390:19:41

HE SINGS THE GUITAR INTRO

0:19:410:19:42

Look!

0:19:450:19:47

The dog! Can I just say, you won't

0:19:470:19:49

be needing any more biscuits, I'll take it from here.

0:19:490:19:52

HE CONTINUES GUITAR RIFF

0:19:530:19:55

And she... Look, she's calm, she's calming down.

0:19:550:20:00

All right, we need an answer.

0:20:000:20:02

So, David's team - is Mary, Alex's poorly pup,

0:20:020:20:07

John's married mutt or Lee's homesick hound?

0:20:070:20:11

Well, I must say, I'm not finding Lee's story as

0:20:110:20:14

quite as convincing as usual.

0:20:140:20:16

You can imagine John reading that poem out at a dog's wedding.

0:20:190:20:22

Very easily.

0:20:220:20:24

Hold on a second, guys. I think Mary's getting a little bit bored,

0:20:240:20:27

so we'll let her pop off.

0:20:270:20:29

APPLAUSE

0:20:290:20:30

-Look, we thought that might happen. So...

-So, we're going to get down on all fours and put this wig on.

0:20:320:20:36

Ah, no way.

0:20:380:20:40

You know what's going to happen, David, just to warn you, if this works tonight,

0:20:430:20:46

they'll start replacing other people with cut-outs and we're out of a job.

0:20:460:20:49

I'm sorry. I'm just, like, if someone just tunes in now and goes "What the hell?"

0:20:490:20:54

And, "I don't know what they're doing, but that dog is very well behaved."

0:20:540:20:58

Playing with the remote, "Is this on pause?"

0:20:580:21:01

That's it, nobody move, just really shock the audience.

0:21:010:21:04

APPLAUSE

0:21:090:21:11

Can I just say, that's not going to work if you clap.

0:21:140:21:18

OK. Greg, what do you think? The dog throwing up on The One Show?

0:21:190:21:22

I believe Matt Baker's capable of that cruelty,

0:21:220:21:25

but I...on this occasion I don't think he did, no.

0:21:250:21:29

-I mean, I'm erring on the side of John.

-OK.

0:21:290:21:32

-It's got to be John, I want it to be so badly.

-Yeah, I do as well.

0:21:320:21:35

-I think we're going to go with John, then, are we?

-OK.

0:21:350:21:38

You're saying it's John? Right. Now, Mary is resting,

0:21:380:21:41

so I will give Mary's answer for her.

0:21:410:21:44

Get behind the cardboard cut-out.

0:21:440:21:46

-IN GRUFF VOICE:

-My name is Mary.

0:21:520:21:54

And I do Tommy Cooper impressions!

0:21:550:21:58

-I'm doing a dog!

-I'm sorry.

0:21:580:22:00

That's not a good image.

0:22:040:22:06

You are genuine... I'm not just saying it.

0:22:070:22:09

You look at that, you are genuinely to scale

0:22:090:22:11

as if you were a jockey on a horse.

0:22:110:22:13

LAUGHTER

0:22:130:22:14

My name is Mary and I can reveal that

0:22:200:22:24

I was sick on Alex during The One Show. Thank you very much.

0:22:240:22:26

No!

0:22:260:22:28

Cooper Clarke's a genius.

0:22:290:22:32

Well, which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies,

0:22:390:22:43

and we start with...

0:22:430:22:44

It's Lee.

0:22:460:22:48

I once took my trunks off in the communal area of a ladies' changing room,

0:22:480:22:53

after getting out of a pool and misreading the signs through my foggy goggles.

0:22:530:22:58

David's team?

0:23:000:23:01

So, where was the swimming pool?

0:23:010:23:04

-It was at the leisure centre.

-Oh, right. Where was the leisure centre?

0:23:040:23:08

Just next to the swimming pool.

0:23:080:23:10

-It was my local leisure centre.

-OK.

-Did anyone see your genitalia?

0:23:100:23:14

Four people looked, but no one saw it.

0:23:140:23:17

I'm keen to know, at which point where you planning to

0:23:220:23:26

take off your goggles?

0:23:260:23:28

When I get out of the pool, I shake off like that,

0:23:300:23:34

I turn back to let them have a nice look and then I...

0:23:340:23:38

I put the goggles up. There's no way you'd keep your goggles on for the walk.

0:23:380:23:43

Well, I am short-sighted and they are prescription goggles

0:23:430:23:48

and I wouldn't have been able to.

0:23:480:23:50

-So, you were going to wear them home?

-Not wear them home, no.

0:23:500:23:53

I was going to put my glasses on that were in the dressing room.

0:23:530:23:56

-So, the reason you kept the goggles on that stopped you being able to see...

-I know, the irony!

0:23:560:24:01

-..was so that you could see.

-The irony.

0:24:010:24:03

-So, you get into the changing rooms.

-Yes. Now, it's goggles off like that.

-Yeah.

0:24:030:24:08

-And...

-So, now you can't see anything now.

0:24:080:24:10

I can't see, I can't see a thing now.

0:24:100:24:12

There was actually no one in the room, it's trunks down like that.

0:24:120:24:15

-Yeah?

-Yep.

-And that's, that's when I heard the voice.

0:24:150:24:18

And what was the voice?

0:24:180:24:19

-IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-"Hello, I live in your trunks."

0:24:190:24:22

-No. No, that's another story for next week.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:24:240:24:26

That's the children's book you're working on.

0:24:260:24:29

I still feel publishers will be nervous.

0:24:290:24:31

So, I go in, I do that, I bend over. Speedos down and...

0:24:340:24:38

Is that your technique, goggles off, pants down?

0:24:380:24:42

I mean, do you not go to your locker?

0:24:420:24:44

I would take the goggles off, put them in the locker. I wouldn't go goggles off, pants down.

0:24:440:24:48

-Right, where's my locker?

-I was at the locker.

0:24:480:24:52

-What did the voice say?

-The voice said, "Excuse me."

0:24:520:24:56

And I said, "Excuse me. I'm not sure you should be in here."

0:24:560:24:58

Did you not question yourself at this point?

0:24:580:25:00

Question myself? I questioned her? "What are you doing in the men's changing room?" I said.

0:25:000:25:04

-Alex, could you say excuse me at the relevant point?

-OK. Ready?

0:25:040:25:07

Come out here, this is exactly how it went.

0:25:070:25:09

-Where are we going?

-I'll walk you from the...

-Oh.

-So, I've left my child in the pool...

0:25:090:25:14

"Daddy'll be back in a minute. If they go down - blow, blow."

0:25:160:25:20

Am I drying over here, or something?

0:25:200:25:22

You're in the shower, actually.

0:25:220:25:24

-Right, I get out the pool.

-At this point the goggles aren't yet steamed up?

0:25:280:25:31

The goggles are on, they're a bit wet and I walked in.

0:25:310:25:33

I'm now, I'm in there and then I think, "Right."

0:25:330:25:36

-And then I look up with my goggles, it's goggles off...

-Off, pants down.

-..trunks down.

0:25:360:25:40

Excuse me.

0:25:400:25:42

You're that woman from The One Show.

0:25:540:25:56

This is the ladies. Get out, you pervert.

0:25:580:26:02

-I think you'll find this is the men's changing room.

-Hang on a minute. No, that's not right,

0:26:030:26:07

because if you said that to her, "I think you'll find this is the men's changing room."

0:26:070:26:11

and you believed it, then your system would kick back in again - bam - the pants would be down.

0:26:110:26:16

Oh, no-no-no-no-no. I wasn't going make a point and go,

0:26:160:26:18

"Right. Come on, then. Beat that."

0:26:180:26:21

So, no. So, then the woman said to me, she said, "Excuse me." I panicked and I said, you know,

0:26:270:26:31

I said, "Excuse me. This is the men's." She said, "No, this is the women's."

0:26:310:26:35

For a minute I thought she was wrong, but then I thought, "Oh, my god. She might be right."

0:26:350:26:39

And then another woman came in and then a third woman. But I'm so argumentative,

0:26:390:26:42

it wasn't till the fourth woman came in that I considered that I'd made a mistake.

0:26:420:26:46

So, what do you think? Was he telling the truth there, David's team?

0:26:460:26:49

-I think it's without a question a lie.

-And you think?

0:26:490:26:52

In fact, if it is the truth, I'm prepared to pull my trousers and pants down right now on this show.

0:26:520:26:57

AUDIENCE: Whoooo!

0:26:570:26:59

Hoh-hoh-hoh!

0:27:000:27:02

I'm not comfortable with that sort of forfeit

0:27:020:27:05

becoming part of the format of this game.

0:27:050:27:09

-So, you are willing to say, that you are willing to drop your trousers, if this is true?

-Yeah.

0:27:090:27:13

Can we get you some goggles, as well?

0:27:130:27:15

I don't need them, my eyes will be closed.

0:27:150:27:18

Well, I think we're saying it's a lie.

0:27:190:27:22

I'd like to say that I'm not willing to do anything at all

0:27:220:27:26

if we happen to be wrong.

0:27:260:27:28

-So, you're all saying...

-It's only a game, for god's sake.

0:27:280:27:31

So, you say it's a lie. OK.

0:27:360:27:38

Lee, was it the truth or was it a lie?

0:27:390:27:42

It is in fact, Greg,

0:27:470:27:49

true.

0:27:490:27:51

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:510:27:53

Can I just say that I just whispered, "Can you change it?"

0:27:560:27:58

cos it was in fact a lie.

0:27:580:28:00

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:020:28:04

Yes, it's a lie. Lee didn't take his trunks off in

0:28:040:28:06

the ladies' changing room because of his foggy goggles.

0:28:060:28:09

BUZZER

0:28:090:28:10

And that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show

0:28:100:28:13

and I can reveal that the scores are tied with two points each.

0:28:130:28:16

APPLAUSE

0:28:160:28:17

But of course it's not just a team game

0:28:190:28:22

and my individual liar of the week this week is John Cooper Clarke.

0:28:220:28:26

Yes, John Cooper Clarke.

0:28:290:28:32

And, of course, John will be given a hero's welcome when he gets

0:28:320:28:35

back home to the distant planet where he was hatched. Goodnight.

0:28:350:28:39

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