Episode 3 Would I Lie to You?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, and welcome to Would I Lie To You?

the show where deception is the dish of the day.

And on Lee Mack's team tonight - charismatic, charming, gorgeous,

and a beautiful Welsh accent,

but enough about me, it's Alex Jones.

And a man who in the 1970s' punk era was an angry young poet.

Of course, he's completely different now,

he's an angry old poet, it's John Cooper Clarke.

And on David Mitchell's team tonight, a comedian

who used to be a drama teacher. Shakespeare, Chekhov, Pinter,

were just some of the books he threw at the pupils, it's Greg Davies.

And a TV presenter who regularly hosts episodes of Made In Chelsea.

Now, if you've not seen the show, just imagine a really good drama

and watch that instead, it's Rick Edwards.

And so to Round One, Home Truths, where our panellists read out

a statement from the card in front of them.

Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction,

-and Alex is first up tonight.

-OK.

The first time I used eBay, I accidently bought a canoe

instead of a handbag.

David's team.

Well, how did that error occur?

Well, back in the day, when eBay was pretty new,

I thought I'd have a little go and I quite like vintage-y stuff

and old clothes - although when they're delivered

it's not quite as good

cos they always smell a bit musty and have an air of dead people -

-but I like the idea.

-Yeah.

-Um, and...

-Did you get that from eBay?

HE SNIFFS

Oh, is that you?

Sorry, carry on.

So, I was scrolling through, as you do, and saw a lovely clutch bag.

I know I've lost you all already, haven't I?

-What's a clutch bag?

-A clutch bag is a, is a little bag...

-For keeping the pedal from a car in.

-..that you clutch.

And you have an accelerator bag and a brake bag.

So, what are we saying, Alex? You, you saw a clutch bag, you were miming putting the clutch bag

under your arm to get into it and then you pressed canoe by accident?

In fact, in the modern computer, they've taken the canoe button

off the keyboard because this kept happening.

-OK, you're looking at eBay, what happens next?

-I'm scrolling through.

-Right.

It started off at 99p.

99 pence, John. Are you in?

-For a, for a vintage bag?

-Yeah.

You're in. Anyway...

-Next thing you know - £14!

-Ah!

-I'm thinking about pulling out.

-Yep.

-Cos that's quite a lot for a vintage bag.

-But anyway, on it went.

-Yeah.

-£32.

-And you're still bidding?

Are you still in, John?

Ah, no, I wasn't even in when it was 99p.

You were wrong about that. You read me wrong there, Alex.

I don't know what my body language was saying, but...

-OK, so the price is going up, you're tracking, that's what they call it...

-£32.

-We're 32.

-You're tracking the bag.

-And I think it's a good time to go to bed, leave it.

-Next morning...

-Yeah.

-..email on the laptop...

"Congratulations, your bid was successful.

"You have bought a second hand red canoe."

-It's quite a jump, isn't it?

-Yeah.

You think that's a terrible story, there's some fella

who's boat was going down, he says, "Don't worry, I've got this covered."

Tried to squeeze a family of five into a vintage handbag.

So, you emailed the canoe man saying,

-"Instead of the canoe, could I have the..."

-The clutch bag.

-"..clutch handbag that looks like a..."

-And he said, "I haven't got a clutch handbag to offer."

-Yeah.

And I said, "Well, you've lied because I bid on a clutch handbag."

Oh. So, do you think he was luring people in by putting photographs

of vintage handbags, which people then bid on and bid on, bid on.

Whatever they pay, whatever the handbag looks like,

-they only get a canoe.

-Canoe.

Maybe seven times out of ten, people make do with the canoe.

He must have looked into it.

Have you ever seen at the opening night of a film

a glamorous starlet turning up with...

The commentators are saying, "It's an incredibly large clutch bag."

OK, what are you thinking, David?

I think, I don't know. What do you think?

-I...there's too much of a gap.

-Do you think it's true?

-No, I think it's a lie.

-I think it's a lie, as well.

-We think it's a lie.

-You all think it's a lie?

-We think it's a lie.

-Conclusively a lie.

-Conclusively a lie.

-OK, Alex, truth or lie?

Silly boys, it was in fact...

true.

Well done, you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true.

Alex did accidentally buy a canoe instead of a handbag on eBay.

Greg, your turn.

I once caused an injury to one man whilst trying to get

a different man to say the word vegetables.

Lee's team.

-Right. Just the word vegetables?

-Yeah.

-Do you really like the word vegetables?

No, not as a general rule, no. But I liked it when this man said it.

Why? What was it about this man, the way he said vegetables, that was funny?

-Did he have a speech impediment, or...

-No, he didn't.

He was a very intense man, though. And he was also Austrian.

I was with a friend once - and he was a colleague of ours, sorry -

and I overheard him say vegetables and we both found it incredibly funny...

Sorry, can you just roughly give us an impression of how he used to say vegetables? Even just roughly.

-He said it exactly like this...

-IN EXAGGERATED ACCENT:

-Vegeteballs.

And then we happened to be on a coach trip with him and so we spent the whole coach trip trying

-to get him to say vegetables again.

-So, where were you? Where were you going and how do you know him?

-Ah, I was on a school trip. I used to be a teacher.

-And he was a teacher?

-Yeah, he was a teacher.

-What did he teach?

-He was the head of languages and he was...

-Head of languages?!

-Yeah.

The head of languages used to go...

-IN FUNNY ACCENT:

-..vegetable.

-IN FUNNY ACCENT:

-Vegetables!

Imagine, imagine I'm the man. OK, I'm on the coach.

I'm sat. We're driving. Off you go.

So, I said, so...

Ja?

-IN AUSTRIAN ACCENT:

-You're very big, aren't you?

This isn't like him, at all.

-IN CAMP AUSTRIAN ACCENT:

-You're very big, aren't you?

That's him.

So, I would saying things like,

"Oh, I've, I've been trying to keep fit lately and I know that

"you're into keep fit, what would you recommend for a healthy diet?"

And he was going...

-IN AUSTRIAN ACCENT:

-"Well, you know, I would...

"you must eat a balanced diet. You must eat greens.

"And, you, you must enjoy some protein in, in limited..."

I was going, "Yeah, yeah. But, I mean, if you were to group some of

"those foods together..."

And he was going, "Well, yeah. You must have carbohydrates, of course.

"And you must have..." And it was, it was horrific.

It went on for about an hour and every time I tried to find

a new angle for vegetables, his ludicrous Austrian interpretation

of things led us down a dark alley. It took...it was literally an hour in the making.

And how did you finally get him to say it?

I honestly can't remember, it came out of nowhere

and he suddenly said it and he said it with such passion.

It was, he went, "Oh, well, of course, you must have vegetables!"

I started biting my hand to stop myself from laughing.

And my friend who was next to me,

there was a jagged piece of metal at the front of the coach

and because it was so funny - just to remind you...

-IN FUNNY ACCENT:

-"Vegetables, of course!" -

I went like this and my friend saw the piece of metal and pushed his knee into it on purpose

to stop himself from laughing

-and blood started like spraying out of his...

-Snout?

Started spraying out of his knee, yeah.

Oh, that was...this is a bit elaborate, this story.

I'll tell you another detail. We went and did the trip, which was

in Paris, and then after we came all the way back, all the way back to...

to, Calais, and I said to him,

"You know we put all the kids' passports in that hotel in Paris last night?

"Did you, did you remember to..." Cos he was in charge of the trip, "..did you remember to bring those?"

And he was standing up in front of the children on the coach

and he went, "Oh, scheisse!"

And he had to speak to the port authorities and get permission to

take the kids on without passports while he went back on his own.

Can I tell you one more detail, as well? We were also standing in the middle of Paris

under the Eiffel Tower, we'd been there for an hour, and the kids were all running around,

and he came over and went, "We must, we must go. We are late for our next appointment."

And I said, "Well, we should just make sure that all the kids are here."

And he goes, "Yes, of course we should. Yes." And he turned round and went,

"Is everybody here?!"

And all the kids went, "Yeah, yeah." And he went, "Well, then, we will move on."

-IN FUNNY ACCENT:

-Vegetables!

-What are you thinking, Lee?

-Oh.

-I think it's true.

-True from John.

-Yeah, defo. Yeah.

I think a lie. You are a fantastic actor, Mr Greg Davies.

Well... So, what are you going to say?

-OK. What do we think, Alex?

-I think you'll find I'm BAFTA nominated.

We're all BAFTA nominated.

False.

OK, we'll go lie.

-You're going to say it's a lie. Greg?

-Ah.

-Truth, or lie?

It is the...

-truth.

-Oh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Well, I'm sorry.

-Yes, that was all true.

Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

Now, this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest

and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's special guest, Mary.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, then, Mary is the dog, not the handler. OK? It's Mary and...

Obviously, cos if Mary had been

the handler, she wouldn't have had a dog,

she would have had a little lamb. Wouldn't she?

OK. Alex, what is Mary to you?

This is Mary, a dog, and I had to spend an entire episode

of The One Show covering up the fact that she'd been sick on me.

OK. So, John, how do you know Mary?

This is Mary, I recited a poem at her wedding.

There we are, John's married mutt.

And finally, Lee,

what is your relationship with Mary?

This is Mary and when she was pining for her owners,

I sat up with her all night and tried to comfort her with a song.

All right, David's team, where do you want to start?

Alex, why was Mary on The One Show?

-She was abandoned.

-So, if...

-I know you can't believe it.

If a dog is ever abandoned in Britain, should it happen,

they immediately get a slot on national television, just to sort

it out, just to check that there are no dogs without homes ever.

It was a very light day.

Was it a day with...

-AS MATT BAKER:

-"Me, Matt Baker." Or was it Chris Evans?

It was...

-AS MATT BAKER:

-"Me, Matt Baker," and Mary came on...

-AS MATT BAKER:

-"It's me, Matt Baker, from the One Show."

I think what we've learnt from that, ladies and gentlemen, is that Rob can't do Chris Evans.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Well... So, little Mary, comes on the show and we want to re-home her,

we gave her lots of treats because she was on television,

she came to sit on me and then

the treats all became a bit much, under the lights, mess.

OK, so you didn't have a story for The One Show,

you scooped up a stray dog, pumped it full of sugar

and got your just desserts.

Why wasn't it immediately noticeable that Mary was being sick?

Because as we were linking into whatever came next,

it wasn't relevant, we'd moved away from Mary.

Oh, yeah. Matt Baker was pushing Bounty bars into a pony's face by then.

In the meantime, Mary is being violently sick.

-So, you're talking about something else...

-Yeah.

-We, we go onto something else.

-..you're stroking Mary on your knee...

-Stroking Mary.

Then, Matt Baker's saying...

Matt Baker's spooning Angel Delight into a fox.

What I want to clarify is, what's on television at that moment?

-My face.

-Your face? So, it's a close-up of your face?

-See, it's only to here, so you can't...

-Can't see that you're stroking Mary

-or that it's come to some sort of fruition...

-..and you can't see the mess.

And they just said, "Just carry on."

OK. Did Mary stay there or did Mary sort of think, "Well there's sick here"?

She didn't have time to react anyway, Matt Baker was on top of her with a Curly Wurly, just...

Well, you've got room for more now, haven't you? Yeah.

OK. John, when you came up with your story,

did you realise that Mary was a dog?

Yes, of course.

You do have dog weddings.

Some owners channel their loneliness through events

-like that, don't they?

-Well, I'm trying to... I've been to a lot of weddings in my...

I'm just going through them - human, human, hu...

Do you know what? I think they might all be human.

-Now, listen, listen, dogs do...

-It is a fact that dogs get married.

-Dogs get married.

-But also it is a fact that dogs don't get married.

All right, OK.

So, John, you wrote a poem and performed it at the wedding of Mary.

-Tell us about the experience.

-Well, it was a poem I'd already written

that had proved to be very popular at modern weddings.

It's called I Wanna Be Yours and the first verse goes,

"Let me be your vacuum cleaner breathing in your dust,

"Let me be your Morris Marina, I will never rust.

"If you like your coffee hot, let me be your coffee pot.

"You call the shots, I wanna be yours."

It goes on for another three verses.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, thank you.

Who is Mary's owner and do you know the owner?

Yes, Mary's owners live next door but one

on the right hand side of our house.

-Going out...

-Right.

-If you're going out, she's on the right-hand side.

-No, it's a good point.

-So, if you go in the back door, they're on the left, aren't they?

-Yeah, that's right.

-I'm happy with that.

-And, John, describe the... What was the ceremony like?

It was conducted by the vet...

..who had neutered her husband.

It's kind of sick. If the arrangements had have been explained to me beforehand,

-I don't think I would have got involved.

-Yeah.

What was the husband's name, the dog that was fulfilling

-the role of the husband here, do you remember the name?

-Tyson.

Tyson?

Did you know Tyson, the owners of Tyson, or did you only know the owners of Mary?

I knew the owners of Mary better, but I did know the owners of Tyson, as well.

-So, Tyson and Mary weren't owned by the same people?

-No. No.

-So, how were they going to cohabit?

-Cos usually dogs tend to live with their...

-Well, good question.

-..tend to live with their owners

-rather than setting up home on their own.

-Good question, David.

Tyson lived next door but one on the left going out.

So, they saw a lot of each other without actually cohabitating.

John, where did the wedding itself take place?

Um...

At a place called...Old Hall.

They breed their own sheep.

So, as it happens, Mary did have a little lamb.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Lee. OK, remind us.

So, this is Mary and when she was pining for her owners,

-I stayed up with her all night and comforted her with a song.

-Aww.

Where were you? And why were you with Mary? And why was Mary not with her owners?

My next door neighbours, they went away to a wedding -

a human wedding, I don't know if you've heard of them -

and they asked me and my wife to look after little Mary.

So, the dog came round to your house...

Well, no, we picked him up cos he doesn't know the way.

-And so is Mary male?

-You just called him a he.

Do you always call Mary "he"?

Well, yeah, no. Sorry - she. Sorry, I always get mixed up.

My husband Tara sorts it all out, I don't.

So, what happened then?

My wife went to bed and the kids were asleep, so it's just me and Mary.

You know, I was watching the TV and she was fine, she was happy

just sort of lying in front of the fire and then suddenly it started.

-What?

-The programme, it was brilliant!

The pining.

HE PINES PITIFULLY

Awww...

So, this pining it got worse, the pining got worse and worse

and it was breaking my heart, it really was,

and ruining the show I was watching. So, I...

It wasn't, it was The One Show, I didn't care. I phoned up...

Your wife goes to bed before The One Show?

-No, David. I'd recorded it.

-Good boy!

-I always record it.

-You record The One Show?

-Watch it when there's literally nothing else to watch.

And I phoned up my neighbour who was at the wedding

and I said, "Look, Mary's pining."

She said, "Have you tried everything?"

I said, "I've done everything. I've taken my foot off her tail. I've..."

So, they said - well you're not going to believe this - they said,

"But there is a way that you can keep her calm and she calms down."

-Right.

-"Do you by any chance have the song

"Money For Nothing by Dire Straits?"

And she said, the owner said,

"If you play that song on your CD player,

"Mary will calm down." So, I get the CD, I put it on and it was like magic.

It was unbelievable, the second it went...

HE SINGS THE GUITAR INTRO

Look!

The dog! Can I just say, you won't

be needing any more biscuits, I'll take it from here.

HE CONTINUES GUITAR RIFF

And she... Look, she's calm, she's calming down.

All right, we need an answer.

So, David's team - is Mary, Alex's poorly pup,

John's married mutt or Lee's homesick hound?

Well, I must say, I'm not finding Lee's story as

quite as convincing as usual.

You can imagine John reading that poem out at a dog's wedding.

Very easily.

Hold on a second, guys. I think Mary's getting a little bit bored,

so we'll let her pop off.

APPLAUSE

-Look, we thought that might happen. So...

-So, we're going to get down on all fours and put this wig on.

Ah, no way.

You know what's going to happen, David, just to warn you, if this works tonight,

they'll start replacing other people with cut-outs and we're out of a job.

I'm sorry. I'm just, like, if someone just tunes in now and goes "What the hell?"

And, "I don't know what they're doing, but that dog is very well behaved."

Playing with the remote, "Is this on pause?"

That's it, nobody move, just really shock the audience.

APPLAUSE

Can I just say, that's not going to work if you clap.

OK. Greg, what do you think? The dog throwing up on The One Show?

I believe Matt Baker's capable of that cruelty,

but I...on this occasion I don't think he did, no.

-I mean, I'm erring on the side of John.

-OK.

-It's got to be John, I want it to be so badly.

-Yeah, I do as well.

-I think we're going to go with John, then, are we?

-OK.

You're saying it's John? Right. Now, Mary is resting,

so I will give Mary's answer for her.

Get behind the cardboard cut-out.

-IN GRUFF VOICE:

-My name is Mary.

And I do Tommy Cooper impressions!

-I'm doing a dog!

-I'm sorry.

That's not a good image.

You are genuine... I'm not just saying it.

You look at that, you are genuinely to scale

as if you were a jockey on a horse.

LAUGHTER

My name is Mary and I can reveal that

I was sick on Alex during The One Show. Thank you very much.

No!

Cooper Clarke's a genius.

Well, which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies,

and we start with...

It's Lee.

I once took my trunks off in the communal area of a ladies' changing room,

after getting out of a pool and misreading the signs through my foggy goggles.

David's team?

So, where was the swimming pool?

-It was at the leisure centre.

-Oh, right. Where was the leisure centre?

Just next to the swimming pool.

-It was my local leisure centre.

-OK.

-Did anyone see your genitalia?

Four people looked, but no one saw it.

I'm keen to know, at which point where you planning to

take off your goggles?

When I get out of the pool, I shake off like that,

I turn back to let them have a nice look and then I...

I put the goggles up. There's no way you'd keep your goggles on for the walk.

Well, I am short-sighted and they are prescription goggles

and I wouldn't have been able to.

-So, you were going to wear them home?

-Not wear them home, no.

I was going to put my glasses on that were in the dressing room.

-So, the reason you kept the goggles on that stopped you being able to see...

-I know, the irony!

-..was so that you could see.

-The irony.

-So, you get into the changing rooms.

-Yes. Now, it's goggles off like that.

-Yeah.

-And...

-So, now you can't see anything now.

I can't see, I can't see a thing now.

There was actually no one in the room, it's trunks down like that.

-Yeah?

-Yep.

-And that's, that's when I heard the voice.

And what was the voice?

-IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:

-"Hello, I live in your trunks."

-No. No, that's another story for next week.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the children's book you're working on.

I still feel publishers will be nervous.

So, I go in, I do that, I bend over. Speedos down and...

Is that your technique, goggles off, pants down?

I mean, do you not go to your locker?

I would take the goggles off, put them in the locker. I wouldn't go goggles off, pants down.

-Right, where's my locker?

-I was at the locker.

-What did the voice say?

-The voice said, "Excuse me."

And I said, "Excuse me. I'm not sure you should be in here."

Did you not question yourself at this point?

Question myself? I questioned her? "What are you doing in the men's changing room?" I said.

-Alex, could you say excuse me at the relevant point?

-OK. Ready?

Come out here, this is exactly how it went.

-Where are we going?

-I'll walk you from the...

-Oh.

-So, I've left my child in the pool...

"Daddy'll be back in a minute. If they go down - blow, blow."

Am I drying over here, or something?

You're in the shower, actually.

-Right, I get out the pool.

-At this point the goggles aren't yet steamed up?

The goggles are on, they're a bit wet and I walked in.

I'm now, I'm in there and then I think, "Right."

-And then I look up with my goggles, it's goggles off...

-Off, pants down.

-..trunks down.

Excuse me.

You're that woman from The One Show.

This is the ladies. Get out, you pervert.

-I think you'll find this is the men's changing room.

-Hang on a minute. No, that's not right,

because if you said that to her, "I think you'll find this is the men's changing room."

and you believed it, then your system would kick back in again - bam - the pants would be down.

Oh, no-no-no-no-no. I wasn't going make a point and go,

"Right. Come on, then. Beat that."

So, no. So, then the woman said to me, she said, "Excuse me." I panicked and I said, you know,

I said, "Excuse me. This is the men's." She said, "No, this is the women's."

For a minute I thought she was wrong, but then I thought, "Oh, my god. She might be right."

And then another woman came in and then a third woman. But I'm so argumentative,

it wasn't till the fourth woman came in that I considered that I'd made a mistake.

So, what do you think? Was he telling the truth there, David's team?

-I think it's without a question a lie.

-And you think?

In fact, if it is the truth, I'm prepared to pull my trousers and pants down right now on this show.

AUDIENCE: Whoooo!

Hoh-hoh-hoh!

I'm not comfortable with that sort of forfeit

becoming part of the format of this game.

-So, you are willing to say, that you are willing to drop your trousers, if this is true?

-Yeah.

Can we get you some goggles, as well?

I don't need them, my eyes will be closed.

Well, I think we're saying it's a lie.

I'd like to say that I'm not willing to do anything at all

if we happen to be wrong.

-So, you're all saying...

-It's only a game, for god's sake.

So, you say it's a lie. OK.

Lee, was it the truth or was it a lie?

It is in fact, Greg,

true.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Can I just say that I just whispered, "Can you change it?"

cos it was in fact a lie.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie. Lee didn't take his trunks off in

the ladies' changing room because of his foggy goggles.

BUZZER

And that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show

and I can reveal that the scores are tied with two points each.

APPLAUSE

But of course it's not just a team game

and my individual liar of the week this week is John Cooper Clarke.

Yes, John Cooper Clarke.

And, of course, John will be given a hero's welcome when he gets

back home to the distant planet where he was hatched. Goodnight.