Episode 2 Would I Lie to You?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening. Welcome to Would I Lie To You?

the show in which it pays to be economical with the truth.

On Lee Mack's team tonight a man who recently received a prestigious

award for slapstick comedy.

It was a real pat on the back,

followed by a kick up the bum and a pie in the face.

It's Bob Mortimer.

And a comedy actress,

a comedy actress who collects vintage clothes for a hobby.

Have a look in David's wardrobe, you'll be in for a treat.

It's Katherine Parkinson.

And on David Mitchell's team tonight a sports fanatic

and one of those finest BBC presenters.

Football, cricket, boxing -

just three of the things she could beat me at.

It's Gabby Logan.

And wildlife expert,

who is always on the lookout for strange and unusual species.

So, if halfway through the show he throws a net over Lee, we'll know why.

It's Steve Backshall.

And we begin of course with Round 1 - Home Truths -

where our panellists each read out

a statement from the card in front of them.

Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

Gabby is first up tonight. Gabby, please reveal all.

I once had to give Alan Hansen a piggyback across a muddy car park

because he didn't want to ruin his new suede shoes.

Lee's team.

Who is Alan Hansen?

LAUGHTER

-He is, he WAS one of the...

-Are you serious, by the way?

-No.

-Oh, OK.

No, I, I think he's the handsome Thunderbird-y one.

Yes, that's right, yes.

-Where was this?

-Old Trafford.

-That was the muddy field?

-No, the car park outside of Old Trafford.

Oh, it was the car park of Old Trafford.

Yeah, it was a very wet typical kind of north west day...

Let's not be northernist.

The car park was actually flooded in some areas and quite wet

and we'd had an evening match, it was an FA cup replay

and he was joking about his shoes and I for a laugh said,

"Just jump on."

And how far?

LAUGHTER

How do you, how do you think I got to host Match of the Day?

How far did you take it, him?

It wasn't far, we'd just come out where the studio is

and it was probably from here to that camera over there.

Mark Lawrenson said, "Oh, don't worry, Gabby'll give you a lift."

and I said, "I will. I'm strong."

So, Mark Lawrenson suggested it to Alan Hansen to jump on her back?

-No, because...

-Who is Mark Lawrenson?

-Al said,

-IN SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"Shall..." Oh, hang on a second. Al said, "Um..."

Please don't start impressions because he will start.

It's all I ask of you tonight.

-Tell me Ronnie Corbett wasn't there.

-AS ALAN HANSEN:

-"Is it all right if I jump on your back, Gabby?"

-Is that Mark Lawrenson or Alan Hansen?

-That's Alan Hansen.

-Right, OK.

-Alan Hansen.

-And Mark Lawrenson went,

-IN SCOUSE ACCENT:

-"Eh, go on. Jump on her back!" and...

You, you feel like you were there, don't you? You feel like you were with us.

-AS ALAN HANSEN:

-If you're going to come here doing Alan Hansen,

you've go to be absolutely sure you do Alan Hansen voice.

HE SLURS HIS WORDS

..can't understand what he's saying anyway.

Sorry. Rob, Rob - two words for you -

Duncan Bannatyne, that's what you're doing.

-Alan Hansen is,

-AS ALAN HANSEN:

-"That is awful defending."

-What?

-"Awful defending."

Who are you doing now? That's Harry Secombe.

-So, I still want to focus on the details.

-OK.

Has Hansen in any way given you any warning or has he just lunged at your...

To be fair, he did. He went, "Oh, she wouldn't be able to carry me." and that was a red rag to a bull.

-I just went, "Yes, I will."

-It all just sounds awful.

I know. Maybe, I don't know, I get used to that kind,

those kinds of requests at work, you know.

So, what do you think? Could she have done this?

Well, I mean I'm still not entirely sure who Alan Hansen is.

I've got very confused with all these different impressions

because they're all quite different.

It's just the, Duncan Bannatyne, who always goes like that...

-SLURRED SCOTTISH ACCENT:

-"I do, I don't do this, doing it anyway after the, I'm out."

-So, what are you going to say?

-I wish Alan Hansen had a catchphrase that would have helped me.

-He did.

-AS ALAN HANSEN:

-You'll never win anything with kids.

-You'll never wear anything with kids?

You'll never WIN anything with kids.

That's a phrase you don't want to be taken out of context.

-He was referring to Manchester United...

-Oh, right.

-..who had very young...

Who had children playing for them.

All right, what's it going to be?

-I'm, I'm sure it's true.

-You think it's true?

I don't think it's true. I, sorry.

I just have this feeling deep inside that Alan Hansen and Mark Lawrenson

don't speak to Gabby.

LAUGHTER

I just...

I, er... That's...

I know what you mean.

I've been swayed now.

Since I don't know who any of these people are, maybe you should go with Bob.

-OK, Bob will take leadership...

-OK.

..and responsibility, as we say it is a lie.

-So, Gabby, truth or lie?

-It is tr...

a lie.

-Oh.

-Clever.

Yes, it's a lie.

Gabby didn't give Alan Hansen a piggyback across a muddy car park.

Bob, you're up next.

As a teenager I used to terrorise my neighbourhood with a game

I invented called Theft and Shrubbery.

What were the rules of Theft and Shrubbery?

Can I first of all say my memories of this are a bit sketchy.

-Always handy for this game.

-Yeah.

No, but I mean, I'm an older gentleman, they're more like, you know,

just fingerprints on an abandoned handrail.

So, just barely existent.

Even while you poetically describe the aging process,

another part of your brain is inventing the rules

of a fictional game.

-It's theft and shrubbery.

-Yeah.

It's a game that I played in my youth, in my teens,

on the Lakes estate in Middlesbrough.

I would probably be 14 or 15.

I hope that's all the information you need.

So, the question is - is it true, or is it a lie?

-Do you have any recollection...

-Don't push it, that will do.

-..as to what this game involved?

-Yes, of course.

-Of course.

In which case, I'm satisfied and there's no need to tell.

What, what were the rules?

There would have to be a gang of you,

I would usually be with, Staver and Bagger.

I didn't realise you knew Hobbits as a child.

Neil Overall, Gerry Dungaree's son, because he was...

He didn't take his father's name?

Hated him, hated him. So, and Gary Cheeseman would be there.

The reason he was called Cheesy is because his mum used to give him a cheese...

-Do you know the cheese slice?

-Yeah.

-..to take out with him when we're hanging round the shops and that.

Cos she thought it was good for his spots.

And she'd want him to put a cheese slice on.

Surely, it's because of his surname Cheeseman?

No, no. That's, the thing!

I mean, that was part of it?

No, Gary Cheeseman was a big lad, yeah, had a very big head.

A sniper's dream they used to call him.

Well, he's such a nice... The thing is, he's such a nice lad

and he was a, he was a...

I love these points in the show where we say,

"Bob, let's all gather round the fireside,

"you can tell us tales of your youth!"

-So, the rules of the game.

-Theft and shrubbery.

-The rules of the game, Theft and...

-Shrubbery.

-..Shrubbery...

..were relatively simple.

You had to creep into the back of someone's house and observe

the family watching the telly or whatever they're doing, yeah.

-It's getting a bit sinister now, Bob.

-Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, it's what we...

-Is this, is this at night?

-This is on the evening time, yeah. We...

So, so the family is, as it were, back lit by the domestic lighting.

-Yes, it's beautiful.

-Yeah.

..and then you'd find one where the curtains were open... Yeah?

..go to the rear of the garden and then you'd slowly walk towards

the window... Right.

..try not to disturb 'em and you'd chant increasingly,

increasing the volume as you went,

"We do beg your pardon...

"..but we are in your garden."

LAUGHTER

And then you gradually get closer and closer to the window

and as soon as you were seen, that's when shrubbery comes in.

Which was what?

You were not allowed to escape via the front of the property,

you had to go across all the fences.

Cos you're a teenager, what you're really waiting for is someone to make a noise or give yourself away,

-so that you all have to go run, run through all the gardens to...

-That's the shrubbery part?

-That's the shrubbery part.

-What's the theft part?

-The theft is, is, we just always felt that we were

-stealing something from them. I don't know.

-Their privacy.

Their privacy, their dignity.

So, you're going up the garden, saying louder and louder,

"We do beg your pardon, we are in your garden.

-"We do beg your pardon, we are in your garden." till you're shouting it.

-How, loud did you get?

Elderly people who are hard of hearing, you probably go, SHOUTING "We do beg your pardon,

"we are in your garden." before they notice it.

Yeah.

This game can't have lasted I'm imagining very long before people kind or rumbled you and...

No, it was just one of the games, you know, that we did.

It could be, Theft and Shrubbery night. There was another night

where we used to take fruit from a fruit vendor's wagon

and throw that up in the air and just let it drop on our heads.

LAUGHTER

Something tells me you played that quite a lot, Bob.

Next time, don't use melons.

Cheeseman was very good at it.

-So, what do you think, David?

-Steve, what do you think?

-My concern is the details

are so utterly believable and sound like they're real, but if it wasn't actually a game

he spent an awful lot of time looking through people's windows.

I'm, I'm coming down on the side of true.

Yeah, I know it sounds odd, but I just believe it.

-You're going to say true.

-Yep.

OK. So, Theft and Shrubbery, Bob, truth or lie.

I was telling...

the truth.

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

This week, each of David's team will claim it's them that has the genuine

connection to the guest and it's up to Lee's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's special guest, Miller.

So, Steve, what is Miller to you?

This is Miller, he presented me with a trophy after I rowed two miles

down a river on an inflatable rhino.

Gabby, how do you know Miller?

This is Miller and I know Miller because we often take

one of my dogs flying.

And finally, David, what's your relationship with Miller?

This is Miller, I accidentally outbid him for a cuckoo clock

when I sneezed at an auction.

-Lee's team where do you want to start?

-Shall we start with, who do you want to start with, Steve?

-Yeah.

So, just remind us again, because I'm confused with the words...

So, he gave me a trophy after I rowed two miles down a river

on an inflatable rhinoceros.

What a man. Ah.

LAUGHTER

Katherine, did I ever tell you about the time I rowed down the river

on a real rhinoceros?

On its horn. Just saying.

Why have you kept in touch, Steve?

Ah, well we haven't.

Did you not like him?

It takes place in Fort William in Scotland and I very rarely go there.

And is this an annual event?

Yes, it's the river that runs down the side of Ben Nevis,

which is a white water river and it's run on lilos usually.

I've been on that river. Amazingly, I honeymooned very near there.

-You weren't there at the time that this event was taking place?

-No, but I know that that is true.

That Fort William is near Ben Nevis, so that bit...

This is the bit I'm worried about now because I need your help

and so far you've gone, "Oh, this is true, there is a mountain."

What's the such a big deal about Miller that he got to present the trophy?

God, that's very aggressively put.

-Yeah, what does Miller do?

-The race the race is run to raise money for the Lochaber mountain rescue.

-Not run, it's sailed.

-It's PADDLED to raise money for the mountain rescue and...

Ah, what a man.

Was everyone else on an inflatable animal?

Everyone else was on lilos.

As in the traditional - what I'm thinking of as a lilo is -

-just like a bed that's inflatable.

-Traditional what you sleep on when you go camping, yeah.

So, it's a fun event where it's like the water equivalent of a fun run.

You've got to try and stay on in a hostile environment

-on a lilo that's not designed for it.

-Exactly.

So, why have you, why did you choose to do it a rhino?

I was going off script.

I went down to Toys R Us to try and get what I thought would be a -

I wanted to get an inflatable T Rex but they didn't have one they just had a rhino.

So, you're saying there's a great big Toys R Us next to Ben Nevis?

That's not true. That's not true.

All right, who are you going to move onto?

OK, Gabby. Tell me again, something about dogs flying.

So... Miller has his pilot's licence

-and we take my dog flying occasionally.

-We?

-Me and Miller.

-You two take the dog?

-Yes, Miller flies the plane.

-And what do you do?

-You're a passenger or are you learning to fly?

-No, I... Not yet, I'm not learning to fly yet.

-But, um...

-That's instantly much more credible because I thought you meant that your dog flew on it's own.

I'd already excluded you from this, but now I understand.

It's not you who wants to go, it's the dog that wants to go, Gabby?

No, initially I wanted to go. It was an accident the first time.

We... he kept his light aircraft at an airfield and I had taken...

I was taking the dog for a walk in a park nearby

and basically I was supposed to meet my husband to hand the dog over.

He'd got delayed and I turned up and I was about to say,

I'm really sorry, it's not going to happen today, I've got the dog, and Miller's up for it and he said,

-Just bring the dog with you.

-Right, and...

-And that was the first time.

-So, what happened the second time?

-Well, the dog just loved it. The dog, like, you know...

-Did it tell you?

When this man approached you with a plane nearby you just, you...

..you were happy to assume he was a pilot that would take your dog up, did you?

No, we, we pre-arranged the whole thing.

I don't think you've told us the breed.

-Boxer.

-Boxer.

-Boxer.

-Boxer's a big dog.

-Milo's a boxer. Yeah.

-Big dog, a boxer. Does he wear a seatbelt?

-Yes, but he doesn't, honestly he's so laid back...

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-He just kind of like sinks into the seat and...

-He wears a seat belt?

-Well, you strap him in...

-I know how to put a seat belt on.

-Are you are you sure he's not terrified?

He's never peed himself on these little hops.

Yeah, but what about the boxer?

OK. So, this is the bit now, it's the detail. It's the seat belt.

-A dog in a seat belt.

-A seat belt on, because the first time, because I didn't know if he'd react OK,

so I being his, you know, his mummy. His...

-No, you're not his mummy, Gabby. Either that or your husband is very ugly.

-No, but in his...

Final question. If there's a bit of turbulence, do you ever turn round to him and say,

"Is it windy, Miller?"

LAUGHTER

Now, what about, what about David and the cuckoo clock?

Oh, wow. There you go.

Well, I'd be interested to know what your accidental out bid was, for what amount?

I think it was about £250.

-And had you been bidding up to that point then stopped?

-I had not, no.

-You'd not bid at all?

-No.

-What were you there for?

I was there because my wife wanted to buy a dining room table.

MFI was shut, was it?

No, because, as you've had occasion to mention, Lee,

I'm terribly, terribly posh.

Right. And so you could feel it coming on as the bit, were you worried that this was going to...

No, I wasn't. I didn't think this would happen. I think this is a ridiculous thing.

If you'd told me beforehand would this happen, I'd say, no. I would never believe anything

like that could happen.

You'll have to convince us, we're struggling.

I get hay fever at some times of the year and this was one of those times.

You're not going end this story with, weirdly every time I sneeze, I hold up a number?

I didn't hold up the number, I sort of had the number there,

-but I didn't hold it up.

-What did you do then?

-I, I sneezed.

-Surely, if the system is you hold up a number,

-at some point your hand must have come up, as well.

-You're echoing my very words.

That's what I said. Of course, it's a ridiculous situation.

Someone sneezed, they just happen to have the number slightly visible

and the auctioneer takes that as a bid. What sort of a system's that?

Let's have a quick re-enactment of the moment.

I mean, you were at 230, 240, £240

going to the gentleman in the nice soft crushed velvet...

HE SNEEZES

-£250...

-What? No! What kind of system is this?

How lovely that David Mitchell has bid for this

and the money will go to a good home. Thank you, David.

Oh, no. Please, auctioneer... Oh, all right, I'll be quiet. This is so embarrassing.

So, how did you make the connection with the Miller?

Because I was aware that he'd made the penultimate bid, but I tiptoed

-up to him afterwards and asked if he wanted to buy it for the...

-For his last bid.

..for his last bid. So, I would only have been...

I think it'd been about a tenner less than I bid.

But if you exploded like that, I don't believe you would have tiptoed.

And I probably didn't actually tiptoe. I wasn't actually... I was probably resting on the heels

of my feet. But I, I walked, what I thought was quite discreetly.

Although, I accidentally bought a couple of vases on the way.

All right, we need an answer. So...

Is Miller Steve's prize presenter,

Gabby's pet pilot or David's clock collector?

Well, I believe that he gets hay fever, David,

but none of the rest of it.

-So, you believe the cool thing?

-Yeah.

-So, Katherine you're saying it's not David?

-I don't think it's David.

I believe Steve's won trophies but none of the rest of it.

So, I believe Gabby. I think that all sounds very true.

-You believe she likes to take her boxer dog flying?

-Yep.

-With Miller.

-Yep.

-I don't think you can take a dog on a plane, you know.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

-You can take dogs on planes if you go through the correct channels.

-Really?

-You can.

They sent a dog into space.

They never got it back!

They sent a dog into space!

I don't believe Gabby's story, but I do think he looks like a pilot.

Now, you see, if we were to add looks, I would say,

it's the only time I am going towards David.

He looks like a man who's desperate for a cuckoo clock.

-He looks like a man whose budgie recently died...

-Mm. Aw.

-..and he's looking for some company.

Once an hour, but just for a split second.

-I'm with Gabby.

-You think it's Gabby, you're saying...

-I say Steve.

-All three of us are agreed it's not David.

-Yes.

-Yep.

We're going with Gabby and the flying.

You're saying it's Gabby, it's the dog in the plane.

-Miller, would you please reveal your true identity.

-OK, I'm Miller,

I presented Steve with a trophy for riding down

a river on an inflatable rhino!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Yes, Miller gave Steve a trophy. Thank you, Miller.

Which brings us to our final round Quick Fire Lies and we start with...

It's Lee.

Last month, I was honoured to be made captain of my netball team.

David.

-How many players are there in a netball team?

-What?

How many players are there in a netball team?

You didn't let me finish the sentence.

Last month, I was honoured to be made captain of my netball team.

Shortly afterwards I was sacked after I picked

the wrong amount of players.

-That was my problem, as captain I never knew.

-I'm fairly sure it's a lie.

-FIVE!

-Five.

-Five. Five, is that correct?

-Five.

-No, no.

Go through the positions for me then, will you? Remind me again what they are.

This is afterwards. Afterwards having a drink now.

So, you play with two less than most other teams.

That's why we were so good.

I'll tell you what it was, there was quite a lot of players. I was, as captain,

-I was getting people on and off all the time, and, er...

-So, you lost track of how many were on.

You had rolling subs, did you?

Rolling subs, yeah. That was her name, that was her nickname anyway.

She waddled on like that. Come on, let her have a go, old rolling subs.

She got the nickname cos she'd eaten too many subways, sandwiches.

-What's the name of the team?

-Er... Well, I go by their, their initials.

-One was called GK, one was, er...

-What's the name of the overall team?

Yeah, that's, that's what was on their overalls.

No, it was, um, er... the...

So, the team they were all women apart from myself because I'm a man.

-A man's man.

-So, it wasn't a men's netball team? It was a women's netball team with one man?

-No, a women's netball team, but I was asked to be...

-What position do you play?

-I played the goal keeper.

-Ah.

-Not the net keeper, that's the mistake I made.

-Is it not goal defence?

-No, you have a goal keeper and a goal defence.

-Do you?

-Hm, yes.

-Thank God for that!

I don't think we established the name of the team. They must have had a name.

OK. So, basically I will, I will now come up with six names of girls.

-If you make me...

-No, no, we don't want...

-The team name.

-Team name.

-I thought you meant names of the members of team.

-No!

Otherwise, we would have said what were the girls called. What is the team name?

Like, there's the Surrey Storm. So, were these the Lee's ladies?

I got it, it was the Surrey Storm.

-The Surrey.

-It wasn't, it was the...

-It wasn't, that would be too much of a coincidence.

-It was Esher Ladies.

-Esher Ladies?

I was very strict about having to change the name to Esher.

This is a curious turn of events, how did it come about?

-My wife is in the team and...

-So are you, remember.

Well, I was only in it for a short period of time, I think you'll find.

Because this was only last month, so I've only just joined it, this is...

You've been immediately made captain.

Listen, the first day I turned up here I was made captain what's the difference?

Some of us just have a presence. I genuinely am not allowed on boats anymore

because people keep pushing me at the front and say steer.

You're allowed to have one, two, three... could you have seven men playing in the ladies league?

No, you're thinking of the men's league.

In this ladies league, how many men are permissible per team.

-Usually, under normal circumstances, zero.

-Right.

-But they made an exception.

-Did they not notice you were a man?

The team loses every single week

and they've become a bit of a joke in the Surrey's ladies league,

so I turned up, they were a player short, and they said,

look you know you're going to lose, you always lose, is there any chance

at all we can just have my husband playing, as well? I went on and -

I wouldn't have got on but rolling subs was feeling a bit sick.

She'd had five that day, she was shovelling them in.

"Oh, you go on, Lee. I'm having another one."

And so I went on and they said - I think it was a little bit of a token thing -

they said, let's make him captain cos of his large hands. Captain Large Hands they called me.

So, what are you thinking, David? Is this true?

-What do you think?

-It sounds remarkably untrue.

-Do you think it happened?

-No I, I don't think it happened at all.

-I don't think it happened.

You're going to say it's a lie, all right.

Goal keeper, truth or lie?

It is in fact a lie.

Yes, it's a lie. Lee is not the captain of a netball team.

Next.

It's Katherine.

No matter how hard I try, I can never properly pronounce the name

Mick Huckernall.

David's team.

Well, um, you seemed to pronounce it perfectly there.

I mean, it's similar to Mick Hucknall, but I'm...

-With an E and an R in it.

-Yeah.

Well, I would I would pronounce Mick Huckernall as Mick Hucknall

and Mick Hucknall I pronounce as Mick Huckernall.

And that's the problem.

The Simply Red singer. So, who's the singer with Simply Red?

Mick Huckernall.

You can say Mick Hucknall but not when you mean Mick Hucknall.

That's right, yeah. When I say...

What do you have to mean in order to say Mick Hucknall?

-Mick Huckernall.

-Right. OK.

So, who is Mick Huckernall?

I've never met...

It's not a name one needs to say, unlike Mick Hucknall.

Well, to... When I say Mick Huckernall I mean Mick Hucknall.

-But, I've never met a Mick Huckernall...

-There you said, when you say Mick Huckernall

-you mean Mick Hucknall.

-That's right, it's a bit...

-When you say Mick Hucknall, you mean Mick Huckernall.

What you were saying is, when you say Mick Huckernall you mean Mick Huckernall, which means

you can say Mick Huckernall to mean Mick Huckernall. So, you're fine. It's a lie.

-But when I say Mick Hucknall to you...

-Yeah.

..pronouncing it correctly,

I'm imagining it as spelt like Mick Huckernall.

SHE GIGGLES

Don't look at me, you're on your own!

Are there other words you get completely wrong.

There's things like, spontan-AYOUS.

-I know I'm not pronouncing that in the correct way.

-What are you actually trying to pronounce there?

If something's a spontan-AYOUS event. Or, or... spontan-AYOUS combustion.

Why don't you try and say spontan-AYOUS and then you can explain to Gabby

what you mean by spontan-AYOUS.

No, I'm Spontan-AYOUS.

Spartacus.

Were you relieved when Simply Red disbanded and stopped releasing albums?

I was relieved and, you know, but it's a problem as an actress when you have to sort of read scripts

-and, and, you can't, so I have to have them re-written.

-Regularly have Mick Huckernall.

You could concentrate on working in sort of classic theatre before...

-because I don't think Shakespeare mentions Mick Hucknall...

-No, no.

-..more than a couple of times.

A script without his name in it though is SIMPLY read.

-So, what do you think, David?

-What do you think?

I think it has a ring of truth. I just can't imagine you having to say Mick Hucknall that often.

-What do you think, Gabby?

-She says Mick Hucknall so beautifully.

I think you're through it -

and it's great that you could share it tonight -

but I think, if only in honour of Katherine's full recovery

we have to say that it's a lie.

Oh, OK. Katherine, truth or lie?

That was in fact, er...

a lie.

BUZZER

Oh, that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.

And I can reveal that David's team have won by four points to one.

APPLAUSE

But of course it's not just a team game and my individual Liar of the Week this week

is Gabby Logan.

Yes, Gabby Logan, a woman who could lie for England.

Which is quite an achievement considering she's Welsh.

Good night.