Episode 1 Would I Lie to You?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, and welcome to "Would I Lie to You?",

the show with naked truths and well-dressed lies.

On David Mitchell's team tonight... I'd typically do a joke

here about his cockney roots, but I don't think that's appropriate,

and, besides, I don't want to mug him off - it's Danny Dyer.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a comedian who did Hispanic Studies at university,

partly so he could learn about the rich culture but mainly because

they were allowed a siesta in the afternoon - it's Jon Richardson.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Lee Mack's team tonight, she's the first voice I hear

when I wake up in the morning.

Insert your own joke.

It's Moira Stewart.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a comedian who provided the voice-over

for ITV2's Magaluf Weekender -

a sweaty loud Mecca for unpleasant, horny teenagers,

ITV2 is available on most Freeview boxes.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-It's Joe Lycett.

-Hello.

And, so, we begin with Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists

each read out a statement from the card in front of them.

Now, to make things harder, they've never seen the card before -

they've no idea what they'll be faced with - and it's up to the

opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction, and Jon is first up.

On a camping trip, I won an award for having the tidiest tent

even though I'd wet my sleeping bag.

LAUGHTER

Lee's team.

True.

LAUGHTER

Was this as a child, or was this recently?

No, I was a child.

How old were you?

I guess I was about six or seven.

And was it the Scouts?

-No.

-What was it?

It was, erm, the Woodcraft Folk.

-LAUGHTER

-The what?

The Woodcraft Folk? What kind of organisation is that?

It's like the Scouts.

Is it literally about going away to craft wood, to make things

out of wood, or more about generally lighting fires and...

No, it's woodcraft in a more general sense...

What exactly is woodcraft in a general sense?

It's, well, you know...

LAUGHTER

How do we know, Jon? Cos I don't think you know.

-It's...wood, erm...

-LAUGHTER

Do you want to change the name of the organisation?

That's what they say at every meeting of the Woodcraft Folk.

So the Woodcraft Folk, they head off into the woods together,

they find a clearing, they set up camp

and what sort of things do they do?

We might spot birds,

we might rub trees.

Do you ever spot trees and rub birds?

Only if you don't want to get your tree-rubbing

and bird-spotting badges.

-So there are badges?

-Yes.

-OK.

-Yes, yes, there were badges.

What, what badges do you have? Did you...?

Ah, well, first badge would be sewing badge, obviously,

otherwise all subsequent badges would fall off.

-Then...

-Bird-spotting.

-Bird-spotting badge.

-Tree-rubbing.

-Tree-rubbing.

-Tree-rubbing.

Tree-rubbing was just to chill out.

It can't all be about getting badges.

All right, how many people were on the...

in the competition of tidiest tent?

Ah, 15?

Did you just suddenly go back to childhood with that voice?

-15.

-That's more like it.

So, 15 kids, all trying to have the tidiest tent.

Well, in the...not that... not exclusively

but we stayed in tents, and to instil an atmosphere of tidiness,

-every morning there would be tent checks...

-Tent checks.

-..and whoever's tent was the tidiest would be rewarded.

-Right.

How many boys per tent?

Not just boys, boys and girls.

-Whoa, hang on a minute.

-LAUGHTER

These were mixed tents.

I shared a tent with my sister, who was also in the Woodcraft Folk.

How did the other Woodcraft Folk react to it?

They never found out.

-Did your sister find out?

-Yeah.

She was aware, yes.

She was one of the first to be aware.

Do you think they gave you the prize to sort of patronise you,

because they felt sorry for you?

A prize is a prize.

LAUGHTER

So, other than the swampy conditions,

it was...it was very nice and very tidy?

Yes, the tent was very tidy because everything was outside drying off.

What do you think, Lee, is he telling the truth?

-I don't know. What do we think, Moira?

-I think it's true.

You do? Why do you think it's true?

-He looks like a bed-wetter.

-Well, I know that.

Ah, do you know, the worst thing is,

when you say it, it sounds like news.

I think it's probably true, yeah.

You're coming round to true, as well? We'll say true, then.

He's going to say true. OK, Jon, truth or lie?

Why would I admit on telly to such a...

true!

Yes, it's true.

Jon did win an award for the tidiest tent,

even though he'd wet his sleeping bag.

Joe, you're next.

OK.

If I'm ever walking alone at night, I call out

the name of an imaginary dog to deter any muggers.

-LAUGHTER

-David's team.

-What's the name of the dog?

-Yeah.

-Brian.

-Brian.

Cos if it's going to be a vicious dog

-it would be Brian, wouldn't it? Definitely.

-Yeah.

And do you think a would-be attacker would,

from the tone that you say Brian,

know that you mean a dog and not a Brian?

To me, it sounds like you'd be calling a, you know,

a middle aged civil servant to you. LAUGHTER

Well, erm, it's because I read an article, erm,

with...written by Derren Brown, in which he said

if you're in a situation where things look like

they're getting a bit choppy, if you do something unusual,

the other person is so sort of freaked out by that,

they stop doing what they're doing if they're being a bit aggressive.

How...how do you shout? Imagine I'm a terrifying would-be assassin.

You know, in your whole panel,

maybe you're not the first choice for that role.

LAUGHTER Jon. Imagine if Jon was...

Erm, so, all right, imagine Danny is a terrifying would-be assassin.

-Yes.

-And, do... You know, go for it.

Brian.

-That's...

-You don't want to attack me now, do you?

No, that's...that's terrifying, to be honest with you.

Is it just someone comes up to you at night, you know,

asks you for the time and you go, "Brian," and you just flip out or,

is it a general mugging?

I like you, Danny. Erm...

Everyone's got their own showbiz personas and you

and Danny have completely gone for different ones, haven't you?

I think we're very similar in many ways.

-Yeah, no, I do, I do. I do.

-We're lovers.

-Danny, stay calm, please, please.

-Well. I wouldn't push it.

-Calm down, calm down.

-If I were you, I'd start shouting "Brian."

Have to say, Joe, you're playing with fire there.

I'd leave it if I were you.

-I'm feeling this one.

-You think it's true?

I think he'd read a Derren Brown book for a start,

-he's that sort of...

-I believe the Derren Brown article

but the whole point of that is that you say something random that sort of

puts people off their stride,

whereas you're going for something specific -

calling upon a dog called Brian to come to your aid.

But that's immediately disprovable.

The absence of Brian is immediately evident. That's...

Whereas calling upon Brian,

they're going to go, "Brian? Oh, there's no Brian, fine."

LAUGHTER

My big sticking point is still, if you were trying to create

the illusion that you had a dog, why you would give it a person's name.

-Yeah.

-What, you just shout "dog?"

You'd shout, like...

More like a dog, Rover or Fido.

That would be good if he had a dog called Dog that would...

"DOG!"

"Dog!"

What would you call him, Jon? Rambo, Tyson...?

Well, my defence is slightly different, I would wet my pants.

APPLAUSE

So, what are you thinking, David?

-Jon?

-I don't believe it.

-Danny?

-Well, I think... I think it's true.

-You think it's true?

-I think he's a... Yeah.

Now, I don't know, I have to make a decision.

My gut is that it's not true.

Let's go no, then. Let's have a lie.

Let's say lie.

You're going to say Lie. OK, Joe, truth or lie?

-It was a lie.

-Yes.

-LEE:

-Good try, though.

Yes, it was a lie all along.

Joe doesn't call out the name of an imaginary dog to deter muggers.

Danny, you're next.

-It's a possession.

-Oh, right, OK, there's a box under the desk.

Now, if you could first of all read the card out that's in the box...

-All right.

-..and then take out the possession and pop it on the desk.

Last year, on a visit to the zoo...

-What?

-LAUGHTER

I've been to a zoo, you know what I mean?

Last year on a visit to the zoo, I put on a mask

so that no-one would recognise me. This is that mask.

No need to be quite so aggressive about it.

-Could you put it on your face, please, Danny?

-Yeah, no,

-I'll whack it on, yeah, course, yeah.

-Yeah, let me have a look.

-LAUGHTER

-Look at that.

Now, can I just hear you say, "Two ice creams, please."

Er, could I get a couple of ice creams, please?

Excuse me, I hope you don't mind me asking but,

aren't you Danny Dyer wearing a zebra mask?

-LAUGHTER

-So, OK, now...

Can I...can I take it off now?

Yes, of course you can. Of course you can.

So, where did you get that mask from?

-Eh? I don't get it.

-You heard, don't buy for time.

I'm not buying for time. No, I bought it at the zoo, didn't I?

Where do you think I bought it? Look at it.

So did you plan before you went to the zoo not to be recognised,

that was always part of the plan?

No, you never know. You go out with your kids and...

When you got to the zoo you decided to...

-Well, it was on me, and...

-What was on you?

-Like, people.

-People were on you?

-Not on me, jumping on...

-No, but I mean giving you the...

-Driving me mad.

-Yeah.

-Right, nice people. It's all love and all that

but I needed to do something about it because, you know,

me little 'un was getting the hump.

You know, I was trying to look at the, you know, the old giraffes,

this drugged-up giraffe.

The giraffe didn't look well, to be honest with you.

You've been round the zoo a bit, you're getting a bit of grief,

you've had enough, you go to the gift shop...

Any reason why you chose a child's one?

Cos it looks very small on your head, that.

It was just the first one I picked up and I needed to get one on,

lively. I actually bought it, you know, with it on.

Do you know what I mean? I whacked it on.

-You didn't even want the person selling you it to recognise you.

-No.

-Did she not scream and say, "We've got an escapee."

-No.

Danny, where is this zoo?

I can't, it's...it's round the corner to me it's...

it's in Essex. It's only a little...little number.

You know, there's a couple of rabbits in there,

-I mean, you know...

-LAUGHTER

Did you go and see the zebras?

They didn't have any, not a zebra about them.

You say that. Are you sure they weren't wearing a Danny Dyer mask?

No... There was one, yeah, yeah, actually there was one.

There was one.

I was disappointed, I ain't going to lie.

I felt bad for her, you know, I've took her out on a day out

-and I've took her to a moody zoo. I mean, it wasn't...

-Moody zoo?

A moody zoo, and I've really promised. I said, "Listen, babe,

"me and you, we're going to have a lovely day."

And I've took her to see

a couple of rabbits and a moody giraffe, you know what I mean?

So, in general, you know, it was a bit of a let down.

Do you mind, just, one more time placing that on?

Yeah, I'd love to put it on, love to.

-LAUGHTER

-It's...it's very small.

-The er...

I reckon that I could recognise you from the voice

and what's showing on the face.

Was this before you were on EastEnders or afterwards?

-Erm, this was before.

-So, you weren't being mobbed loads.

Well, still getting it a bit, you know what I mean?

A lot of my...a lot of my fans... Can I take this off again now?

I wish you would. Yes, yes, I'm a little disturbed.

Thanks. No, you know, a lot of my fans hang out in zoos, so...

So, you know...

So, what do we think Moira?

I think he is so cool,

that he can do other things rather than wear a zebra mask.

-To stop the attention?

-To stop people, yes.

-Like what?

Oh, saying,

"Hey, no. I think you can get..."

So, hang on, hang on, hang on. No, it's a...

Is that what you do when people ask for photos?

"Excuse me, are you Moira Stuart?"

"Oi, no."

-So, what's it going to be, Lee?

-So, Moira says it's a lie.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, I think it's probably a lie.

-Joe? You're going lie. OK.

Yeah, lie, yeah, lie.

I'll go with my team and say lie, then.

You're going to say lie. OK, Danny, truth or lie?

-It's the truth.

-Oh, wow.

Yes, it's true, Danny did wear a mask

so he wouldn't be recognised at the zoo.

Our next round is called This Is My, where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest

and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's special guest, Charlotte.

So, er, Joe what is Charlotte to you?

This is Charlotte.

In the evenings, I like to relax by watching videos of her

wrapping gifts on YouTube.

LAUGHTER

Moira, how do you know Charlotte?

This is Charlotte, she does such a good impression of me

that I once let her pretend to be me on Radio 2 and no-one noticed.

LAUGHTER

And, Lee, what is your relationship with Charlotte?

This is Charlotte and she is my judo instructor and she

told me off recently when she caught me

having a pint in my judo kit just before a tournament.

LAUGHTER

Before a tournament.

Oh. That's the very worst time to be drinking, isn't it?

David, where do you want to start?

Well, Joe, that sounds like one of the creepiest things I've ever heard.

You watch her on YouTube, wrapping presents.

-Yes.

-Why?

Um, because she's very good at it.

That is not an explanation, that's why you might ask her to

wrap presents for you, not observe her doing it.

Well, no what she does, she does it, um...

She takes great care over the way she's doing it, and it...

-So, she's slow.

-She's slow, and very...

So, not very good at it.

Joe how long does it take Charlotte to wrap a present,

would you say?

Um, in the videos, I think it's about half an hour.

Half an hour?!

Half an hour per present? What are these presents?

What's she wrapping, a tank? I mean...

LAUGHTER

Why did you initially think, "What I need to relax is to watch

"someone wrapping presents on my computer"?

Well, since I've been a child, I've had this weird sensation

when I watch people with bits of paper, particularly, where

I get this lovely tingling in the back of my head and

I remember it when my grandmother was doing some paperwork and she

licked her finger and turned a page and it made me feel really lovely.

The saddest thing is the idea that

when you used to go round to your grandparents' house as a child,

she used to do her paperwork while you were there.

LAUGHTER

I mean, mine used to take me out, they'd maybe cook lunch.

"Joe's coming round, brilliant.

"I've got some receipts I need to go through, so..."

What you're saying, Jon, is that because of the years of neglect

that Joe suffered as a child,

he's come to substitute paper work for love.

LAUGHTER

It's a relaxing thing, it's like having a massage rather

than like a sexual thing, it's not a...

Opening, I understand. I understand a video of someone getting

a present and watching the joy.

Watching someone wrap a present... Do you get to see who opens it?

-Well, no.

-Or it just gets wrapped and that's the end?

-That's...yeah.

-I suppose you play it backwards, couldn't you?

LAUGHTER

All right, David, who else would you like to question?

Moira, right, so what's this?

-she does the best impression of you ever?

-Absolutely.

And how did you find this out?

I walked in on the production team on the floor two floors down

from my studio and she happened to be in mid-rap.

-She was wrapping then?

-Oh, she was wrapping?

Let's just remind you of who's saying what.

-She was in mid-imitation.

-Right, OK.

-So, she works at the Beeb?

-Yes, she's a researcher.

-Right, OK.

So, she was mimicking you behind your back.

-So, really, taking a liberty, really, in a way.

-Having a giggle.

And you rewarded her by whacking her... Not whacking, sorry.

LAUGHTER

You rewarded her by putting her on your show, that was...

Not my show. It was the Chris Evans Breakfast show.

-Chris Evans' show.

-Yeah.

-So, she actually read a bit of your bulletin?

-Yes.

-On his show.

-His idea.

Oh, it was his idea? He's a little imp, isn't he?

So, what would the introduction be? I mean, I'm trying to think.

I listen to you every day, of course I do.

The introduction is - "This is BBC News, on the date.

"I'm Moira Stuart, good morning."

I'm genuinely having a panic attack that my kids are late for school.

LAUGHTER

-And that's the bit that Charlotte did?

-Yes.

DAVID: It's possible.

I think Moira's voice would be difficult to impersonate.

Don't encourage Rob.

-No, have a go. Have a go.

-All right, I'll give it a try.

But if it doesn't work, you may never do Ronnie Corbett again.

LAUGHTER

I'm out, no, I'm out. No, no, no, that's too great a risk.

-Right, what about Lee?

-Lee.

Yes, tell us about how you got into judo in the first place.

Well, how does anyone get into judo?

LAUGHTER

I was watching Kung Fu Panda.

LAUGHTER

-And...

-What, and ruled out kung fu?

LAUGHTER

My kids loved it and so they decided to take up martial arts

and they decided to take up judo. So, I took my children

to the judo and it was a bonding thing. I said, "Ah, right."

They said, "Come on, Dad, you do it." So, I joined

the adult class whilst they did the kids' class.

How many weeks have you been going to judo?

I'd say I've been to about 30 lessons.

-So, it's like a weekly class...

-Correct.

-..for judo.

-But how does the tournament work?

-Well, after...

Is that on the same day as the class, or...?

Yeah, so, every week we have a class.

And then he said to all the men and the women in the class, he said...

-Who's he?

-Charlotte.

LAUGHTER

No, I haven't got to Charlotte yet. I haven't got to Charlotte.

-But I thought she was your judo instructor?

-She is, she is.

-She is?

-She is, yes.

-But he said...

-Let me finish.

LAUGHTER

I said tournament. Tournament. I've only done...

I said, "I'll do a tournament when you have a sex change, mate."

LAUGHTER

She said, "Next week we're going to have a little bit of a tournament

"between you lot."

I thought it was just all a bit of fun, so I turned up the following

week ready for my tournament and I got there a bit early, I dropped the

kids off, but the adult class starts a bit later and I saw the pub.

Went over and I was chatting with the other bloke,

-who's one of the dads.

-Oh, right, so you're both in your judo gear?

-Yes.

-What's the name for that?

I call it the white dressing gown.

LAUGHTER

And she's come bowling in.

So, she's come bowling in. I said, "Bowling's next door." And, er...

LAUGHTER

Why is she in the pub?

Because she's looking for us and we've gone on a bit late.

Oh, you've got...

What actually happened was we were a bit late...

Yeah, what did actually happen?

LAUGHTER

She's walking past the pub.

We were actually at the bar, looking out the window, having a pint

and a chat and we saw someone just sort of walk past and go...

And then come in the pub and tell us off.

Cos yous two being the star pupils obviously you was going to...

That's not how it works in martial arts, Danny.

-Not just the star pupils get respect.

-Ah.

Everyone is equal.

LAUGHTER

And what's your favourite move in judo?

Cos judo is full of a wide variety of stances.

What's the one that really gets Lee thinking, "This is for me"?

If you had it narrow it down to your favourite six or seven...

LAUGHTER

I think it's probably teppanyaki.

Sorry?

LAUGHTER

That's a starter dish, isn't it?

Well, that's the funny thing, all judo moves are named after dishes.

I did the sushi, the teriyaki

and the weird one you're not going to believe, the pot noodle.

LAUGHTER

If you wanted to demonstrate any moves, the floor is yours.

If you feel that would help prove your point.

So, well, what you do is, I mean... What would you like to see?

-Well, first of all, your opening stance.

-OK.

LAUGHTER

Well, don't do it back.

An example of a move, Rob... Come out here I'll show you.

-I'll show you.

-Not in a million years.

Get up, go on, get involved.

CHEERING

-Get involved.

-What about Danny Dyer?

You started it. You started this, Rob. Do you remember a minute ago

when you said get out there? You're regretting that aren't you, Rob?

-Right, stand there.

-How well have you taught him?

Stand there. So, the first move you'll do....

-Bow to him, Rob, for God's sake, or he'll kill you.

-Yeah, bow.

Not a curtsy, you fool!

Then you'll... Come here.

Brian! Brian!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-You take a lapel like this.

-Yeah.

-You'll take a lapel like this.

-Yeah, OK. Whoa!

-Right foot forward like this.

-Yeah, don't you dare.

I won't. And then you get like that. And then you go like that.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

-Sorry, Rob.

-They just said in my ear, "Are you OK, Rob?"

LAUGHTER

I'm a BAFTA nominated actor!

LAUGHTER

So, we need an answer.

David's team. Is Charlotte Joe's soothing stranger,

Moira's mimicking mate, or Lee's martial arts master?

Right, let's just Lee out the way, I reckon.

It's just silly, nah, nah.

Oi, oi, oi, come over here and say that.

Yeah, well, it doesn't seem very plausible

but that was a good move you did.

Well, he goes over easy, though, don't he? Him, I mean...

LAUGHTER

I think it's Moira. I think Joe, he's an odd mark, but, um...

-I don't know, what do you think?

-Jon?

-I think it's Moira.

-Yeah.

I think we think it's Moira, I think

on the basis that Lee has shown himself able to push Rob over,

and that's not nothing, but at the same time, it's not much.

Whoa, whoa, hang on a minute...

And just the wrapping thing, that's just so confusing as a thing

that I think I'm going to pretend I've never heard it.

-You're going for Moira?

-If the team's happy, we'll go for Moira.

-Yeah.

-The impersonation, the first bit of the news, OK.

Yeah, exactly.

Charlotte. Would you please reveal your true identity?

My name is Charlotte

and Joe watches my videos to relax on an evening.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you very much, Charlotte.

-Thank you.

Which brings us to our final round, Quick-fire Lies

And we start with...

BUZZER

It's Moira.

On a cold winter's evening, I like to treat myself to a jacket potato

with a melted Kit Kat on top.

LAUGHTER

-David's team.

-And now the weather.

LAUGHTER

I mean, it sounds delicious, the way Moira puts it. I mean, the...

Any butter involved in this, or just the straight Kit Kat?

-No, no, this is... But very, very, very hard skin.

-Sorry?

The jacket potato.

-Oh, sort of really crispy jacket, with...

-Very crispy, yeah.

-And what sort of state's the Kit Kat in?

-It's melted.

What about the wafer? That don't really melt, does it, wafer?

Well, it adds a sort of an interesting kick.

Chunky or four finger?

LAUGHTER

Please.

Sorry. You'll have to excuse Jon, he's not been speed dating before.

I only know the double Kit Kat.

-You've not heard of the classic four finger Kit Kat?

-Times are hard.

LAUGHTER

When did this start, Moira? How did you discover this?

Oh, about three years ago.

Really, and what sparked it off?

I thought, "I like jacket potatoes."

-Who doesn't?

-"I've done the tuna."

-Who hasn't?

-"Let me try the Kit Kat.

Why not?

LAUGHTER

That's the next stage, yeah.

Have you ever heard, Moira, of cheese?

LAUGHTER

So, just a couple of years ago, is it? Someone introduced you to it.

They go, "Listen, you want to whack a Kit Kat on a jacket potato."

I don't think anyone Moira knows has ever used the phrase,

"Whack a Kit Kat on it."

I don't think Moira knows anyone who talks like that. Am I right, Moira?

Can I ask more about the cooking process?

It's very, very lengthy.

LAUGHTER

Moira. Don't push it.

Obviously, of course, but at the end of it, you've got a jacket potato

with a Kit Kat on it, so, it's worth hours and hours of work.

You blast it in the microwave. Then you put it in the oven

for, oh, about 20 minutes.

Then you halve it, then you slap the Kit Kat on top,

do another ten minutes.

What do you think, David, is she telling the truth?

I think it sounds like a disgusting meal.

Am I the only one that thinks that actually sounds really nice?

I quite like that.

I like cars and I like chips, but I don't drive over my chips.

Not everything that you like should be mashed together in the same...

That's rich, coming from 8 Out of Cats Does Countdown.

LAUGHTER

-So what are you going to say, David?

-Danny, do you...

I think she's a very sophisticated woman and I think, you know,

very cultured.

No way in the world would this lady whack a Kit Kat on a jacket potato.

That's the line we go out on! Doosh! Doosh! Doosh, doosh, doosh, doosh!

LAUGHTER

I think, all in all, we don't believe it.

So, Moira, truth or lie?

I'm not having it, it's a lie.

APPLAUSE

-KLAXON

-And that noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.

And I can reveal that David's team have won by three points to two.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But, of course, it's not just a team game,

my individual liar of the week this week is Danny Dyer.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, Danny Dyer, mainly because I'm frightened of what

he might do to me if I give it to someone else. Goodnight.