Episode 2 The Commute

Ah, the morning routine.

A couple of hours that brings half a million of us out and onto

Northern Ireland's roads.

It's rarely the highlight of anybody's day.

Another day, another dollar.

Another day, another tuppence ha'penny.

Ready for another day in paradise?

It can be a time for deep thinking...

Religion is like a house, there's that many rooms,

you could pick whatever room you want.

..some not-so-deep thinking...

When you hit about 40, your hair comes out. Serious?! Yeah.

..and times when there's no thinking involved whatsoever.

OBAMA IMPRESSION: I have something to say to the American people here today.

HE BARKS

So buckle up, everyone, as we take you on The Commute.

THEY SCREAM

MUSIC: Hymn For The Weekend by Coldplay

Say a wee prayer before we go?

Bow the heads.

Charlie, if you don't mind, switch the engine back off again.

Dear Jesus, guide us on our way,

Help me make it through the day,

Cos I don't care what's right or wrong,

I'll just be singing that same old song,

As the mixer bangs along.

You know you can help us get better each day,

By guiding our boss with a little more pay.

Help these two men find what they want in life.

I hope everything works out and we get the lottery as well.

Amen. Amen to that!

That was nice today, Sid.

From the heart.

# No one man should have all that power... #

It's another early start for our commuters.

This morning, they're all heading stateside

to the US presidential elections.

And over in east Belfast,

Gary and Kathryn are struggling to pick a winner.

If Trump gets in, I think we should all go and live on Mars.

Well, I think we'll have to go and live on Mars,

there's absolutely no doubt. Yeah.

He cannot possibly get in.

It would be awful.

Absolutely shocking. Yeah.

But I'm not sure that Clinton should get in either.

I don't know, maybe we'd be better with just all of them out.

She's got too many skeletons in her closet, I think, to get in.

The presidential elections are almost like the Wizard Of Oz.

Big long journey, it lasts for years, and at the end of it,

you get some guy that you don't really know anything about him,

who's a bit weird and a bit wacky, and he's not really the real thing.

That's the most profound thing you have ever said.

North Antrim political discourse!

They're following the Yellow Brick Road to the White House

and they're going to have this big guy at the end of it.

They aim to be the president, the big guy at the end. Or girl.

Or girl, yeah.

Along the way, they pick up... A tin man.

A tin man, a lion and a scarecrow. What's the analogy?

No heart, no brains, no courage...

It's the development of the person.

Finally, American youth get to vote

and they have to choose between Trump and Clinton.

What a choice.

He is so hateful.

You've got to say, he hates everyone equally.

He hates the Muslims and the Mexicans.

Because they are also Muslim.

But he likes white people and hillbillies.

And he loves guns, of course, you know.

Hillary's like a rich, upper-class auntie you can't like.

The one who wears the fur coats and looks down on you.

IN POLISH:

Trump will win, sure he will.

Do you think so? I think he will.

Because I don't think you can go from - and I'm being quite honest -

it was a massive shock, in my opinion, that Barack Obama won.

The first black, African-American president.

To go from a black president to a woman, in the eyes of America...

You know what? 16 years or easily a 12-year run, you know what I mean?

And let's be honest, Trump understands, the immigrants.

Immigrants and gun control.

You know Trump's view on it, but Clinton,

what's she going to do? You know what I mean?

Say she does get president, right? Say people do get behind her,

but all the congressmen are going to turn around and say,

"You think I am going to take orders from..."

Her. "..her."

# Sisters are doing it for themselves... #

I would really love to see a female president of the USA. Me too.

It would be something new, wouldn't it? It would be special.

Something for women's lib, wouldn't it? Yes, it would.

Trump? In the name of God.

I mean, if it had been Ivana, that would have been better.

At least you would've had a bit of craic, wouldn't you?

And a bit of style. Lovely shoes.

But flippin' Donald Trump, the husband?

God, he's desperate.

He's basically against immigration

unless it's an attractive-looking supermodel

from the former Soviet Union that he might be able to marry.

Is it his mother is German? His grandparents are definitely German.

So, they've come from Germany

and his main campaign is to stop people immigrating into America.

Hillary, oh, my God, she's like a cardboard cut out or something.

At least Hillary should know what happens,

with her husband being there.

Been there, done that.

Aye, he was there and done that all right.

He'd done a lot more than he was supposed to be doing.

HE TUTS

Remember the wee black dress?

Big Monica. Monica Lewinsky.

Where did she ever go to?

Wrote a book, made a fortune, got her dress dry-cleaned

and that was it, you never heard tell of her since.

Trump, Trump, Trump - he's...

See when I think of Donald Trump, I think of...

You know the way the English call breaking wind "trump"?

"Oh, I've trumped!"

As if it's all right to say that.

So that's what makes you think of Donald Trump.

Every time I think of Donald Trump, all I can think of is breaking wind.

I swear to God.

Some top-notch political analysis there from Gerry in Lisburn.

# Baby, I don't need dollar bills to have fun tonight... #

Let's all take a breather before our next subject

and marvel at our commuters' capacity to be wile past remarkable.

There's somebody who's been on the egg and onion sandwiches,

and on the beefburgers.

That woman's hair!

That woman there, she's actually plucking her hair out of her face.

I think that gentleman's letting you go. Thank you.

Oh, it's actually a gentle lady.

There's that blonde boy sewing in there.

Must need glasses, because now my rows aren't touched!

Gays are just becoming like heterosexuals.

You know...

boring.

There's no craic any more. Nobody's gay any more.

You know, it was more exciting when you had to hide.

# My love, my love, my love

# She keeps me warm

# She keeps me warm... #

In south Belfast,

full-time translator Marty is explaining the laws of same-sex

marriage here in Northern Ireland to his Polish friend, Agnieszka.

How can you support gay marriage if gay marriage is not allowed?

Gay marriage is allowed. Is it allowed?

Well, I know it is in Dublin now. Well, not Dublin, just the South.

In the North?

No, it hasn't been passed in the... In the South? ..the North.

No, it's been passed in the South, but it hasn't been up in the North.

It nearly got passed... But the end of the day,

the North and the South are two different countries.

That's what I'm saying, it got passed in the South, but not in the North.

It's the tenth anniversary of our civil partnership.

We're together 26 years.

And we still...

..can't get married like they can in the south of Ireland.

And in the UK. And, I think, in Scotland.

Uh-huh.

If Stormont Executive is formally part of the United Kingdom,

then why do they not have the same laws of the land of the UK?

So what's it got to do with us if Larry and Barry's a couple,

or Maggie and Aggie's a couple? It's nothing to do with us.

If they want to get married, let them get married.

Try and tell them that's up in Stormont that.

Yeah, you go, girl!

We're behind on everything. Northern Ireland's behind in everything.

Yeah. And gay marriage, well, same-sex marriage, backward.

But there's Gerard, who I used to work with in the salon,

and him and his partner, Alastair, they're better than the

majority of the straight couples that I know, like.

They're class, they're unreal and they're so happy. So, like...

It doesn't matter... It's ridiculous.

The world needs to get with it. It's so silly, isn't it?

If you love someone, why should you not be able to marry them?

It's ridiculous. Because it offends someone?

Being gay, being in a gay marriage, it's only a small part of life.

It's just... Of your life,

it's only a small part of what makes you the person you are.

It's not...

a big deal.

It's only a small part of what makes me who I am.

I mean, I will always be a tall, dark, handsome fella,

so being gay doesn't have anything to do with that.

What mirror are you looking in?

On the road from Moneymore to Magherafelt,

James is worrying about Brexit.

You think all this Brexit craic's just to try and stop

foreigners from getting into the country?

You think this is what it's all about?

I think the Leavers have all been hoodwinked. Youse didn't listen.

I think it's ridiculous, I think we should be welcoming foreigners into this country.

They bring culture, they bring different languages to the country.

All the ones, them that argue, well, then they need translators,

and the translators are making the money.

I suppose that's a point,

but then it's creating a job!

When I was a child, we had this house,

with all the black people in it.

And I remember once - I was only about five or six,

I was tiny - and my neighbour, a woman, a grown-up woman, asked

me to go and touch this man's hand to see if the colour came off.

Oh, for goodness' sake!

And I went across and I went like this - I remember doing it -

and I went, "Look!"

I remember, you know?

I would be scared,

I'd be terrified if I was just listening to the media.

I wouldn't.

After the Oslo massacre, I'm not terrified of Christians.

Well, that's true.

I don't feel as if they need to, like,

apologise on his behalf or whatever.

No, I'm not going to apologise for anything any militant nutter does.

You don't ever associate with it.

And when people ask about stuff, I'm just like...

"How do you feel about the Crusades?

"Do you want to talk to me about them?"

Do you know what I mean? Yeah.

Nothing to do with me, I'm just here, going to work.

Commuting, coming home, doing my own thing. Loving life, loving people.

My experiences in life are based on living in this country.

So I am a British Muslim.

I'm a British, Northern Irish Muslim.

You remember when we went over to England, people were like, "Whoa!"

Mind-blown, Muslims with Irish accents, Northern Irish accents.

Actually, our cousins call us Irish. Yeah, they think...

But we have the British passport, Irish passport,

Pakistani passport - loving it.

Yeah, yeah.

"Are you a Catholic Muslim, or are you a Protestant one, Arousa?"

That was the next one.

See the way I see religion?

It gives you a path to look forward, stay on that path.

Don't look left or right, so the snakes don't come and get you.

So the Muslim and the Christian

and the Jew

and the Catholic and the Protestant...

It's good to have a path to follow.

..and the Indian...

I think...

..religion is like a house - there's that many rooms

and you could pick whatever room you want. So long as it's a good house.

A peaceful house.

# I can't lose

# I can't lose... #

Over in Newry,

Anne-Marie and the girls have some strong words to say about Brexit.

There's going to be a massive rise in racism, because...

It was bad enough, racism...

Anybody who voted Out...

You have people who have genuine interests,

but then you have the ignorant, ignorant...

Who are just, like,

"I don't want anyone coming here and stealing my job!"

And that is their wavelength. That is their thought process.

Maybe if you had the qualification for the job, or applied for it,

you'd get it!

Someone said to me the other day,

"Why would I want foreigners' children in my child's class?"

What?! "That's holding my children back,

"because more money's being spent on educating them."

I was, like, "Who do you think you are to deny a child education?"

That is disgusting.

There's a segment of the population are complete numbnuts.

They have no idea, no education, no... They were dragged up.

There's no respect. And that's how they think, day in, day out.

And no matter what is said to them...

That's how they were brought up. It has to be.

You don't just wake up one day and become a racist.

Meanwhile, over in Carrickfergus...

Some people in my class, they think saying "black people" is racist.

So they say, they said...

I saw this guy and someone asked me what he looked like,

and I said, "I don't know, but I know he's black." That's not racist.

If a person was blue, you'd say that's a blue person.

It's not a derogatory term, it's just a description of who they are.

Yeah. Yeah.

Did you know that, when I was young,

they used to call black people coloured,

but they actually find that more offensive

than if you call them black?

I'm not saying I don't like foreigners, because I do

and I travel a lot.

What I don't like is too many.

Does that sound awful racist? Yep.

These are people that's in the country working, but...

Yes, people who work... There are people here who don't want to work.

No matter what way you look at it, you know,

if you bring everybody in - which is wonderful -

where are they going to go? Where are they going to sleep?

Where are they going to live? What are they going to eat?

I worry that the way I think sometimes,

does that sound like I'm racist?

Because I'm not racist.

But the cake only cuts up into so many pieces.

I would hate it if we became a nation that had become

unfriendly to others in need.

Yes.

For so long, the Irish from 32 counties

depended on the goodness of others to take us in.

All the emigration to America, other places.

It used to be ?10 to emigrate to Australia.

That's right. And Canada.

Well, so many countries did the Irish immigrant

such a good turn that you would not really...

I would hate to see unfriendliness in this land.

And we'd spent so many years being unfriendly to each other, hadn't we?

Oh, yes, yes.

Before we move on to our last subject,

our commuters are venting their spleens once more.

Oh, aye. Sure, just abandon the wagon there to pick some blackberries on the corner.

Och, look, there's a wee learner.

Aw, cute!

Back to driving school, you idiot! Why is it...?

No, not all women drivers, but they're doing bloody make-ups

and lipstick and wanting to look good.

How about you get out of your bed five minutes earlier and do it?

When you get your test, then you can tell me how to drive.

She wasn't supposed to do that. You're not supposed to do that!

You need to be very careful, love,

with your ball going out in the road like that. OK, pet.

Isn't it well that I saw that coming, and it was a luminous ball?

Anyhow...

According to the recent census,

we're all getting older and we're living longer.

It's causing mixed feelings for our morning commuters,

but somewhere between Randalstown and Coleraine,

builder Sid is hatching a plan.

I think, when I get older...

..I think I'll maybe emigrate to Antarctica,

because I always wanted to be an Eskimo.

I always thought I'd like to get up in the mornings and just put

on me fur coat - me seal coat -

and walk across the ice...

Just, you know, that handle thing that screws into the ice? Aye.

Drill a hole, and just dangle a piece of string down into the hole.

And dip it up and down like that, there, and then maybe a fish would

grab it, and then I would pull the fish up, and hit it over the head.

I would then cut it along the body, take out your finger

and pull it along and pull its intestines and guts and all.

Cut the head off it, and then cook it there and then.

Someone's been watching too much Pingu.

What you going to cook it with?

Sushi, lad, just eat it raw.

Well...

I had sushi one time in Scotland.

I ate...

salmon...

..trout...

..monkfish...

..same platter, tuna.

And a few fish eyes.

If you had an age of choice to stay, what would it be? Age of choice?

You first. And why. But we've hardly lived, so... Me?

OK. Me?

Yes, you, old man.

25. You've not even got that age.

25, because you're not too young and you're not too old,

and also most things that you can, like, that are old, are over 18.

Think about it, as soon as you turn 18,

you're going to have to have a job, so everything's going to be boring.

I'm old AND I'm boring.

Guys, this is going really well!

Your parents will die, let's say you if you're 60... Oh, and now I'm dead?!

Shh, Mum.

But what if you're scrawny and ugly at 23?

Like, some of the guys that I know...

Yeah, I know, but some of the guys I know, even in their mid-20s,

they still look gangly and then, come after 30s, it was like, damn!

Yeah, but that's late puberty.

As they make their way to school in Newtownards, Bethany and Emily

have the old age thing sussed.

Well, like, sort of!

I'm going to wear winged eyeliner when I'm, like, 80.

Yeah, we'll be, like, blending our eyeshadow. Yeah!

We'll be the new generation of old people!

Yeah, I'll just be sitting in my old people's home,

re-watching Game Of Thrones.

There'll probably be, like, a new series.

You know, I'll still have long hair when I'm a granny.

Yeah, I know, I don't want to cut my hair.

Wait, I don't think you cut it, I think it comes out.

When you hit about 40, your hair comes out. Really?

Serious? Yeah.

Have you prepared for your pension? Ha, no! Have you prepared for yours?

Oh, yes, I have a portfolio, indeed!

Yes, indeed, you would have a portfolio.

Do you know when you have to get out your portfolio? Yeah.

And it takes you about 2.5 seconds to look at it.

We should be maybe putting a wee bit aside for the face. Yes.

Well, I definitely think that you and I will be having

a trip on the big 50th birthday.

Yes, but that's so far off.

To the clinic... Five years.

Stop talking about that! Five years.

Five years, that's... Don't say five years, say several...

That's all it is. Five years.

While you're in, are you going to get a wee...?

Well, no, that would be quite a big...

If we started that...

You'd maybe have a new Kathryn lying on the floor. You would!

I don't like those old people who intensely try to be

so much younger, and still go out every Saturday night.

Like, I want to be a granny.

If I'm old, I want to be old and be a cute,

wee granny and go and get my wee blue rinse.

Och, no, I'd like a wee pink rinse.

And sitting in the wee hairdressers

and then going up the town for a wee cup of tea.

Och, no, I think I would. I'd live the life.

And then, your wee dolly trolley, going shopping.

All perfect.

You know I'm going to live till I'm 100?

Yes. And I'm going to die with a broken neck. Why's that?

Because when his wife comes home,

I'm going to have to jump out of an upstairs window!

I swear to God, I was passing a shop the other day

and I looked in the window, and I thought to myself,

"Who is that old lad's reflection in the window?"

Only to realise it was myself.

I swear to God. I was going to say...

I thought it was my grandad.

I'd get all here all done. I'd get this all done.

No, because you see, I think then...

Oh, no, I would, I don't care.

No, but I think then it looks like you've got a job done.

Morning. Look.

I can't look, I'm driving.

You look scary.

When I get older, I'll be in a truss. Will you?

Oh, absolutely. Why?

Because, I mean, naturally, when you get older, it all goes a wee bit...

And I'll be like...

Put the teeth out.

Do it with the teeth out. That's it!

You need to do it with the teeth out.

Listen, you paid good money for those crowns,

there's no point in not showing them off.

And you pop a TENA Lady in for the whole day?

Just for the whole day, yes. And then just let go when you need to?

Yes, yes. Just wee leaks at a time.

Yeah, a wee dribble and a wee dribble. A wee sneeze and a wee sneeze.

That's what you're up against when you get older.

I know, but some people have had that fixed. Uh-huh.

I think that's the way forward. You get that all...

But just maybe I could say to you...

I might have to go for a couple of months.

Maybe I could say to you at this juncture, as a friend... Yes?

Just as a friend, and I don't want you to be offended!

OK, I'll try not. Don't be offended. OK.

I think you should change it more often.

Because sometimes, no matter how much fragrance you put on...

You can get TENA pants now for men. Can you, seriously?

Mmm-hmm. You cannot. You can.

That's rubbish. You can!

I've seen that in one of the magazines or something. Seriously?

Uh-huh. Incontinence pants for men?

Them things that women uses?

It just goes into a pair of pants.

Have you noticed that they always advertise them things when

you're having your tea?

Six o'clock at night, you can be sure

there'll be something on about it, women leaking.

I swear to God.

Well, you can get them for men now as well, if you have dribbles.

Well, I don't have dribbles, thank you very much. Oh, my God.

You know, a sign to know whenever you're getting old,

they start cutting your eyebrows, they start cutting your nose hair, they start cutting your ear hair -

I'm telling you. Used to take me ten minutes to get my hair cut,

now it takes about half an hour.

Do the barbers not do something with the...? Aye, that's Turkish barbers.

They do a flame. Burn the hairs off your ears.

Jeez, the first day he done that,

I thought he was going to set me on fire.

On the road to Ballycastle,

geography teacher Gordon has decided what he'd put into Room 101.

Just old people. What?

Old people. Sure, you're nearly there.

What about your parents, sure, they're old? They wouldn't

appreciate you saying these sort of things about them?

Well, maybe it's not just old people, it's old-isms.

Things that tag themselves along with them.

You know, like... Like when you're stuck behind somebody

driving at 40mph. You automatically assume that's an old person.

I know I'm going to get there myself, but, you know...

It kind of grates on you at times as well.

I can't say that I've ever been troubled by an old person.

Excuse me?

I can't say I've ever been troubled by someone who's

a wee bit more esteemed. Why does it bother you?

It doesn't really, I just mentioned it.

Trying to create a tedious link here to Gramps in front of the car.

That's all you can think of is bowels when you get older.

That's another thing about getting older, all you think about is, "Did I go to the toilet today?

"Oh, I'll have to move myself!

"Don't touch me, it's like a stick of dynamite."

I swear to God, it's desperate. Oh, my God, it's disgusting.

I used to hear my granny and my mummy and everybody talking about

bowel movements, and used to say, "God, that's going to make me sick."

And now, all I can think about is, "Have I went today?"

All right, see you later.

Time once again to leave our commuters at their destinations.

Let's start another day.

Is there someone in that car? Oh, no, that's my reflection.

# It's not believing... #

See you later, I'm tired.

Yeee-haw!

Kissy, kissy, kissy.

Mwah, mwah, mwah!

Ta.

Thanks a lot, see you. Same time next week? OK, see you then.

Join them on their next commute, when love is in the air.

I'm getting married in Disney.

They'll also be revealing their final wishes...

And when the two heels are kicked up, I have told her to make sure

I'm buried with my watch, so I can tell the time.

..and they'll be killing a great Queen song with

a car karaoke that'll bring tears to your eyes.

# Scaramouche, Scaramouche

# Can you do the fandango? #

# Yeah, a little bit of feel good goes a long way

# I need your touch to get me through my day

# Watching you sleeping, I pray

# Please, don't make it go away. #