11/09/2014 EastEnders

Didn't I make it upstairs?

I'll get you a coffee.

You're an angel.

Bang that down in one, girl.

Morning! Oh!

You're back, then.

She certainly is.

You two celebrating, were you?

She got Brahms with Sharon last night.

Sharon? That must have been a bundle of laughs(!)

We just had a couple of drinks.

A couple of bottles, each...

Hiya! Where is he? Who?

Birthday boy. Dad! Oh, yeah, it's today, ain't it.

Yeah, where is he? He's still in his feather.

Brilliant, gives us a chance to sort out what we're going to do. Oi!

Sorry.

Morning, love.

I just thought, like, we could get all his old mates

from Billingsgate and Canning Town and have a big party tonight. He never had any mates.

I can't really do tonight, I've got this lager promotion thing.

Did you get Sharon home all right? Yeah.

Should have left her to stagger back by herself.

Ah, did she take her friendship bracelet back?

Oh, before you go, me and your mum are making a few changes round here.

She wants her living room back, so you'll have to share with Shirley, I'm afraid. What?! Why?

So your grandad can have your room. Why can't he have Johnny's room?

Because Johnny and Lee are already sharing. Listen, it's not open for discussion.

My name's above that door and all, you know. I'm entitled to me own room!

You'd better not snore.

Did you get Dad's present? It's in the passage.

Why did you get him a present?

He never got you any when you were kids. Cos he's our only dad

and it might be his last one, for all we know. Here's hoping...

Do you know what,

I hope when you're old, your kids don't bother with you either!

Hold up, hold up. Listen, we'll have a little party this afternoon.

I don't want the gaff filled with fishmongers and geezers who look like they're brown bread.

All right, so, Teen, you're on the decks, Shirl, you're... No, I've got plans. What plans?

I have got a life, you know.

Before you say anything...

I don't need a lecture from the former alcoholic.

Your coffee's there.

Thanks.

Babe... Come here.

What would I do without you?

Calm it with those balloons... Sh, he'll hear us.

You sh. Right, we open the door and we all burst out with "happy birthday", all right?

Hold up, hold up a minute, we don't want to frighten the life out of him.

He'll be fine.

ALL: Happy birthday!

Oh...you remembered...

That's from all of us, that is.

What am I gonna do with a ruddy great thing like that?

What are you talking about? It's a Billingsgate clock.

Going to whack it up in the pub. Oh, I see.

It's supposed to be for my birthday, but really it's for your boozer.

I thought you'd like it, Dad. It's old.

No, it's very nice. I'm touched.

I don't go a lot on birthdays.

Well, you best start going on birthdays.

Cos we're throwing you a party!

What? Oh, you don't want to make a fuss for an old man like me.

We want to make a fuss of you. You're going to get spoilt. Oh, well, if you insist,

better just go along with it...

Happy birthday, Dad.

Happy birthday, Grandad.

You don't mind about this party, do you?

No. No, it's fine.

How's your nut?

Getting there.

So what was you and Sharon shouting about last night?

Shouting?

Yeah. You was going at each other like a couple of alley cats.

Oh, God, that...that was nothing. That was wedding stuff.

She wants doves released during the ceremony...

Can you believe it?!

Doves!

She's no Cinderella and he's definitely no Prince Charming.

Oh, Vicky and Spencer can't come. They send their love.

Oh, and I had a row with Linda last night.

You know, she can turn into a right shrew when she's had a few.

I'll have to talk to her, put it right.

I can't believe I drunk so much.

I don't even remember getting home...

Nancy walked me back..

Oh, no... What?

Nothing... Nothing, I was...

I was just going to ask Linda to be my bridesmaid.

And now it'll just be Roxy. Do you think one's enough?

It's up to you.

Don't I get a kiss goodbye?

You've already had one this morning.

Look, there's a blade of grass there you probably haven't sniffed yet. Yes...

Phil! Morning!

Phil!

I had Tina on the phone first thing talking about a celebration for your dad.

Got excited for a minute, thought he might be dead.

It's nothing to do with me.

I've made a trifle.

With any luck he'll choke on it, if Lee doesn't nick it first!

All right?

No, I'm not all right!

Shirley told me about you and Ben.

I wanted to tell you... Then why didn't you?

Because Ben made me promise not to!

You lied to me, Jay - you lied to my face, didn't you?

He's my mate. Yeah, and he's my son! Now, where is he?

I don't know... Don't... Not today, Jay. Don't muck me about.

Now tell me - where is he? I don't know!

I haven't seen him since Easter and I've only ever met up with him twice!

I swear that's the truth. Now, you should have come to me straightaway.

After everything I've done for you.

Now get out. Go on, get out!

Cos I don't want to see your face again.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

Oh, Trace, see who that is.

Oh, after you've taken them lot, be a love and nip to the shop.

There's a list on the kitchen table.

Why can't you go? Cos I'm busy.

So am I.

I ain't come for any trouble, I just want to see Stan...

Sharon? Linda, look, about last night....

Yeah, I don't want to talk about it.

Nancy, could I have a quick word please?

Here! Hang about... where do you think you're going?

I said, I just want to see Stan.

Yes, but... Listen, things ain't been the same between us since the trouble

with my Rainie and your Mick. I just want to say I'm sorry, that's all.

I think I might have said something I shouldn't have last night...

Oh, what? About my mum kissing Dean, yeah?

I want you to forget it...

I can't. Nancy, she'll kill me if she finds out I've told you.

I'm actually a little bit more worried about my mum cheating on my dad, Sharon!

Look, please. Please don't say nothing.

What did she want?

Nothing. Something about doing shifts at the Albert.

I told her I weren't bothered.

Can I help you?

I doubt it. You can't come up here...

Oh, take no notice of her. Come and sit down.

Oh, you're his friend, are you? Should have guessed.

What's that supposed to mean?

Should have known from the look of you. How do you mean, "the look of me"?

I know your type - batting your eyelids

and wiggling your backside to get what you want.

Oi! Come back here!

Oh, ignore her. I do. Who is she?

Ex-wife's sister. She's a pain.

What brings you up here?

I've come to apologise. All that I said about Mick.

I was wrong. So... Here's a peace offering.

For your birthday.

What have you got here?

I was just passing Billingsgate.

Don't you go thinking I went there special.

It's a sea bass! You little corker.

We'll put him in the fridge.

Best birthday present you could have given me.

Friends again?

Yeah, friends again.

Stick around - we're going to have a party later.

I dunno, Stan, I'm not feeling my best.

I've got an eye infection.

Nonsense, you look gorgeous. Here...they bought me Big Ben.

They're pushing the boat out, ain't they?

Have you been hinting at a life insurance or a will?

They value me.

THEY LAUGH

If I'd have known she was the one bad-mouthing Mick,

I'd have chucked her out!

Well, maybe having her around will make the old man more bearable.

Why are you cutting them in triangles? It looks nice.

Makes them too fiddly to eat.

Just cut them in half, give people something to hold on to.

And look at that...

you call that pickle?

Are we going to get some time alone before this party?

Could you at least try and make a bit of effort?

All right, Dean...

Dean! Make yourself useful and make some space in the living room.

You can take these chairs in.

Charming - put me to work as soon as I get here! Oh, come on!

All right, Nance?

Oi, what's Dean doing here?

He's allowed to be here - he's family.

Wait a minute...

What's with the attitude?

I ain't got an attitude.

What's the matter with her?

I've no idea.

Not now, Shirl. So is this it?

Last night you couldn't get enough of me and today I'm the plague.

I'm thinking about what needs to happen.

Between us?

With Sharon.

You know what needs to happen. She stole from you.

It's complicated. No, it's not, Phil.

Yes, it is. Because I still love her!

You don't know the meaning of the word.

How much has she got from you?

How much more is she going to fleece from you...

and you sit there and you say that you love her!

What was you expecting, Shirl, eh?

You didn't seriously think we was going to get back together, did you?

You was there, nothing else.

Drop dead.

Shift up, baby.

I know you don't want to share with Shirley.

It's just... there's no way around it.

I just don't want the old boy sleeping on that camp bed.

I'm not even that bothered about it.

So what was all that about with your mother?

Is it cos she went to stay with your nan?

It's been tough for her, the last couple of weeks.

Just try and give her a squeeze, yeah, you know?

She's back now, so... It's not that.

What is it, then?

Sometimes I just wish it was how it was, with just the five of us.

You feeling a bit, like, crowded?

Something like that.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Don't take it out on your mum, though, cos they're my family.

She's had a lot to put up with, what with my dad and Shirley.

And Dean.

Dean? I thought you got on with him.

You do, don't you?

Yeah, guess so...

Right, well, just take a breath,

get your nut in gear and then

come back upstairs and grin and bear it with the rest of us, please.

Give us a kiss.

Pop...

when you're old, you can come and live with me.

Ah...Nancy!

You little melt.

Ruddy fish, stinking everything out.

I'm teaching my grandsons life skills.

Right, so you get behind this fin here, cut through the head,

like that, slip him round and do the same thing the other side.

You have to sort of break the bone. That's it.

Yeah, Grandad, that's very impressive.

Then we turn it round this way.

Cut through, down to the tail, to release the belly.

Oh, that's rank.

And then you can pull all the guts out like that.

Johnny! Johnny! Johnny! Dean, get off!

Next thing you want to do, is, using the backbone as a guide,

cut through, right down, to make the fillet.

And the same thing, the other way up. And there we are.

Right, that's enough of this caper - let's get this party started, eh!

Lee, Johnny...get the rest of the grub, take that next door. Thanks, Dean.

Dean, couldn't do me a favour? Couldn't sort the music out?

If Tina does it, we'll end up doing the conga.

And we can't have that, now, can we? No.

I just had a chat with Nancy.

She's feeling a little bit overcrowded. Has Dean upset her?

Dean? No, I don't think so.

Well, let's just keep an eye on her, all right.

We'll make the effort.

You all right, Cora?

Yeah. You keeping all right?

Yeah, yeah.

Don't keep him in here too long.

There's plenty of grub wanting eating.

You've got a good lad there.

Yeah, the best.

So what's the story with you two?

Fooled you into thinking he's a human being, has he?

I don't fool easily. What's your game?

Maiden aunt who hangs around like a bad smell?

That's about it.

Only thing I could stomach about her was her trifle.

Don't go thinking I made it for you.

I know how much the family love it. My family, not yours.

If it wasn't for Tina railroading everyone,

they wouldn't be bothering with you.

Still using that bowl, are you?

It was my mother's.

Heirloom, ain't it? Yeah, very nice.

Oh, dear.

(You'll pay for that!)

Leave it!

That was a bit harsh, wasn't it?

Served her right.

She should have kept a civil tongue in her head talking to you.

I can fight my own battles.

Shame about the trifle.

You're a very lucky man, having your family round you.

It's taken long enough.

This could be my last birthday.

Well, if it is, we'll raise a glass or two to you, at your wake.

You can have one drink. Nah, my shift starts in three hours.

But it's a party.

I'm fine on orange juice, babe.

Right, I'm not drinking, then, if you're not.

Oh, no, don't be silly.

Look, I really need to talk to you...

What about?

# Happy birthday to you... #

Oh, you don't need to go to all that...

# Happy birthday to you... #

Where's Shirley?

# Happy birthday, dear Stan

# Happy birthday to you. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE FROM PUB

Oh, I love this! Big old family parties.

Shame Zsa Zsa ain't here.

Well, let's see what happens with the next one, eh?

I wanted to tell you when we were alone.

But...

I'm pregnant. Oh! Already?

I did a test this morning.

And I was going to wait for the right moment, but...

Don't tell anyone yet, all right...

Everyone...we're pregnant! Sorry!

What? Congratulations!

Oh, that's good news, ain't it?

Shotgun Godmum!

Well, what's happened?

Where are you going? Ask Phil.

You don't have to leave.

I'm not staying here.

Sharon, can you give us a minute, please?

I'm sorry...all right? You don't have to go anywhere.

Yes, I do. Jay, can you blame me, eh?

Can you blame me for being angry? I'm going to Abi's.

Look... I need to know where Ben is, so if you've got an address or anything...

So that's why you're apologising? It's nothing to do with me, it's all Ben.

No, it's both of you. But I need to know where he is, I need to know he's OK

and I need to speak to him. Cos I think I can help him.

I haven't got an address,

but I've got a phone number.

I won't tell him it's come from you. All right?

I've forwarded it to you.

Thanks. Whatever.

Ben?

It's Dad.

Right, come on. Family photo.

I want everyone in it who's a Carter!

What about Tosh? Well, she can take it.

Dad! My birthday, my rules!

Come on, boy, get yourself round here, come on.

Coming round...

I'm guessing your daughter followed you onto the game.

That the best you can do?

I heard she was a druggie as well.

Was that her way of coping with you as a mother?

If you want to keep those teeth in your mouth,

you'll shut up about my daughter.

Don't get comfortable, love. I play the long game...

and I always win.

Dean...get closer to Linda.

Oi-oi! All right, Shirl!

In the picture! We're not taking no for an answer!

Just take it! Get in!

Right everyone... say tarts and vicars...

Tarts and vicars!

Shirl? Guess what?

What?

We're pregnant! Me and Tosh!

If that's what you want. You could at least try and be happy.

Just make sure the surname's Carter.

Do you know what?

Given time, I reckon you and him could sort things out.

You think?

Yeah, well, bet you never thought you'd be posing in a family photo with Dad, did you?

Oh, what's that for?

Cheaper than a card.

You don't want to waste kisses on him.

It was a one-off.

He caught me in a sentimental mood.

Seeing everyone together... takes me back.

I know you think there weren't good times but I remember a few.

When I was on leave from the navy.

You, me and your mum having a giggle.

No...I don't remember.

He smashed my trifle bowl earlier.

Just picked it up and dropped it...

cos that's the kind of evil, nasty man he is.

Well, I don't need to tell you that, do I?

I don't want to get involved.

No.

Well, you've obviously got other things on your mind.

That bald bloke, is it?

I've never stopped caring about you, Shirl.

I've made a fool of meself...

I gave him what he wanted and now he's shutting me out.

You letting him get away with it?

He hurts you, you hurt him back ten times harder.

You learn anything from your Aunt Babe, you learn that.

AS MARILYN MONROE: # Happy Birthday to you...

# Happy Birthday to you... #

She's a dead ringer!

This is worse than the torture simulator they had in the Army.

# Happy Birthday, Mr Stan... # I'm never going to forget this... # Happy Birthday to you. #

Bravo! Very good! I think I preferred it when we weren't talking to her.

No, look at the old boy, look...she makes him happy.

We don't have to start calling her Nan, do we? You don't think they've done it, do you?

That was a beautiful little kissagram routine there, Cora...

You enjoyed that didn't you? Hey? Right, I'd like to...

I'd like to say a few words.

Now, it's been a long time since we've all been together, like this.

And I have to admit, I never thought it'd happen.

I'm going to be straight with you, I never thought I'd want it to happen.

But you know what? It has...

..and it's lovely. Hear, hear!

I want to congratulate my boy, my clever boy - look at him!

Clever boy, passing his exams.

Give him a little round of applause.

Beautiful! I'd like to congratulate the girls, with their baby.

Yeah! Yeah!

So let's raise our glasses to that strange-looking geezer over there - look at him, look!

Happy 80th!

Could I just stop you there?

I told everybody it was my 80th so that I'd get a bigger present.

Actually, I'm 77. I knew it! I knew it! You cheeky old fart!

Hey. I've got you a little something.

I know we've been on a bit of a bumpy ride but I wanted

to get you something for the wedding.

Well, it's just a gesture really...

to show you I love you.

Because I do love you, Phil.

It's a bit crowded in there, isn't it?

Well, everyone seems to be enjoying themselves, though.

Are you?

Oh, Dean, there's no need to clean up.

You really don't need to pretend on my account.

I know all about you two.

What are you talking about? There's nothing to know...

Sharon told me about the kiss and I've been watching you.

You clearly can't keep your eyes off each other!

That's ridiculous! Look, it's not what you think...

You need to forget about this. If your dad finds out, he'll...

He will kill both of yous, yes.

Look, I've dealt with it, OK. It was nothing.

Your dad really doesn't need to know.

Please, Nancy.

You do like them, don't you?

I can't wait to marry you.

Hello, I'm Riz Lateef with your 90-second update.

Oscar Pistorius has been cleared of murder.

The athlete sobbed when the judge said prosecutors had

failed to prove he meant to kill girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp.

But the judge decided he used excessive force and will rule