15/09/2014 EastEnders

BABY CRIES

OK, OK, calm down. Daddy's here.

Come on, little man, come up here with me.

Gotcha. There you go. That's all right.

Daddy's here. There we go.

Oi, oi, oi, don't look at me like that - he's your brother.

All right, come on then. Ready? Open wide...

Good. There you go, there you go, that's good.

Don't you worry about a thing, kids.

Daddy'll sort it all out, eh... there we go.

TEXT MESSAGE

Oi, what're you doing? The kids have to eat off that table.

Will you tell her I ain't going door-to-door in my lunch?

It's hardly door-to-door, is it? It's one door, Blades.

I've had the OK from Aleks and I'm on Kat's stall,

so it's down to you, girl.

This stuff looks toxic.

It's not toxic - it's Romanian.

Besides, it's all about presentation.

Nan? You ain't pimping me out for a bit of knocked-off hairspray

and wet-look gel.

Listen, Alfie's a trier

but if we don't all dig in, we'll be out on our ear hole next week.

He is struggling.

He won't admit it but he does need us, Stace.

Hey! What've we got here then, eh?

Let's see if my luck's any better.

Yeah, good luck.

It's just a bit of hair gear, that's all.

Tell you what - bag us up a load of this. All right?

Cos there's a lot of ladies on that market with split ends.

And if we cannot sell hair lacquer on an East London market,

where can we, eh?

Right. Come on, give us a bag.

-Here. You can have mine if you want.

-Nah, nah, nah, you get rid of that.

But I thought Denny was your page boy?

Yeah, he is. But I also want Amy and Janet and Lexi.

I can't be doing without me flower girls, can I?

No, of course not.

I'm just so lucky I managed to sort my dress out,

although there's still so much to do.

And has Linda seen your dress? Or was that after you two kissed and made up

and I was demoted back to admin?

Oi. And you need to sort out this best man business.

All right if I have a cup of tea first?

-Yeah, you can, cos Billy's coming round for a boys' night in to talk about the stag.

-A boys' night in?

Er, don't start. You've only had one job and I've still ended up doing it.

Come on, babe, I want this wedding to be special, OK?

I've got enough on my plate as it is.

Whatever you want.

I've had a word with Mick

-and the drinks are on the tab tonight an' all.

-Really?

Yep. You enjoy yourself. You deserve it.

Thank you.

Oh, Phil - Linda wants a word.

What about?

DOOR SHUTS

Oh, I've had the kids looking everywhere for this.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine. If you need any ironing done, bring it on.

It's quiet, ain't it?

Yeah. We never needed an alarm with that lot, did we?

Shirley, all I'm saying is, right, if you go down Shoreditch,

all those £300 cut-and-blow-dry gaffs, this stuff, promise you, this is all the rage.

Right?

-Alfie, it's got a skull and crossbones on it.

-No, don't worry about that.

It's a sticker. It's just health and safety gone mad.

-It comes off.

-What's the matter with you?

I've just lost an earring down the khazi, so you tell me.

Shirley, you sorted that kitchen out yet?

Linda, can I interest you in some conditioner? Top of the range.

Alfie. Alfie, most people have months to organise a hen do,

-I've had hours and I've got a family full of shirkers. So I can do without the hard sell.

-Fair comment.

Now, you tell your girls it's in here from six.

-Free bar so it won't cost 'em nothing.

-Ah, I dunno.

Oi. Oi!

Hold on, hold on, hold on...wait.

-Yeah. Pine fresh.

-Oi! Take that.

By the way, you're over at Phil's tonight.

A boys' night to sort the stag out.

Hold up, what's that got to do with me?

I've told you, she's my mate, which means you've got to make nice,

so you're going on that stag whether you like it or not.

-Young lovers, I'm out of here.

-Oi, hold up. What you doing tonight?

-Fancy getting Mitchell-ed up?

-What? Nah. Nah, mate. I can't, got the kids, ain't I?

-Get someone to have 'em for a couple of hours.

-Lee's over with Whitney tonight.

There you go, see? Not just a pretty face.

-Sorted. We'll have a laugh.

-Nah, nah, nah. I can't do it.

Listen, we'll go over there, show our boats for a couple of hours,

then we'll slip back to yours for a nice little peaceful night.

Everyone's a winner.

When was the last time you had the gaffe to yourself, eh?

Tell you what, I'll see you later.

Good boy. Ta-ta.

Here, mate, I couldn't nick a snout off you, could I?

Ta.

A stag night... Brainstorm?

I mean, obviously I've already got some quality plans.

-But it won't do any harm, will it? Anyway pop round after work, yeah, Mas?

-Yeah.

I'm not actually getting blown out of dinner plans by my own father, am I?

Dad?

Babe, I am so sorry something's come up, I got to go.

You've only just got here. I thought we was having lunch?

Sorry. Hey!

-Oh, don't. I thought you was Mum.

-You having fun there?

-No.

Mum's on one organising Sharon's hen and I left the house at eight

-to swerve her and I've been on the move ever since.

-It can't be that bad.

Right, what's that - like 32 missed calls?

Yeah, that's pretty bad. Well, listen - why don't you come round to Lauren's later on?

-You can hang out with us, if you want.

-Know what - you're all right, actually.

Come on, Nance, let it go. Come round.

-Fine.

-Yeah? Awesome! That's that sorted.

Can I get a coffee to go, please?

You all right, Peter? What you doing later?

Apparently everybody's at mine, so...

It's more of a hide-out, actually.

I'm helping Cindy out with Beth.

On a school night, too? You devil.

You're all right. Cheers, anyway.

Ah, that's a shame. We're going to miss you, Beale.

I've just had murders with the limo company.

-What's this?

-It's half a sparkly curtain.

I can see that. Why?

Never you mind what this is.

You just have to wait and see. Now, sorry, what were you saying about a limo?

Oh, look, don't worry. Linda, are you sure you've got enough time to...

Don't worry, don't worry, it's all in hand.

It's all...in hand.

Excuse me, Mrs Mitchell.

She ain't married yet.

I bet you're over the moon that the guv'nor is sorting out your hen do.

Ain't you? She's going to make you proud. Ain't you, baby, eh?

-Going to make her proud. You just want me to get on with that stage, don't you?

-Yes, I do. I do. I...yes.

-Now, I've booked you in with Dean to get your hair done.

-Dean?

I know, but he really wants to make amends and I've warned him

to make a fuss of you.

So it's the perfect opportunity.

-OK.

-And he's expecting you soon so you need to get over there.

I'd better give him a hand.

Hold on.

It's a bit early, isn't it?

Well, it's your big day. Best make the most of it.

Congratulations.

Some people don't need a lot. Do they?

Bottle of Asti and two straws, them two would still be happy.

LAUGHTER

-It's too much. They can't have 'em all.

-What're you talking about? Whitney does it for a living.

I mean, she's got 30-odd on the go every day. Lee can help her out.

-How can we turn down a free drink from Phil, eh?

-Alfie, I could really do without

being slapped in the face by other people's happiness.

Do you know what I mean?

Kat, you know, I was going to wait till everyone was about

till I told you, but you might as well know.

What have you done now?

No, I... Nah, nah, I've done nothing.

It's good news.

Good news?

Really?

Yeah, really. Yeah. I've, um... I've spoken to the council.

And they're going to cut us some slack.

-Slack?

-Yeah.

-What you talking about?

They're going to give us three months to sort it out. You know, cos I laid it on thick, didn't I?

-And this is official?

-Darling, it's proper official.

I was going to surprise you but I thought, might as well tell you now.

That's fantastic. How did you pull that out the bag?

Kat, I can be very persuasive when I want to be, OK? I pulled you, didn't I? Come here.

Now come on, go and get your glad rags on. Let's go and enjoy it while it lasts, yeah? That's it.

So this is what all the top stylists in Bucharest are using, yeah?

Yeah. Definitely.

Right, then.

Oh, no, I've got to go back to work.

Listen, if the product's as good as you say it is,

you won't mind testing it out.

Only take two minutes.

No, get that away from me! Me eyes are burning already.

We haven't talked prices yet!

Making friends again, I see?

Here you are. This is for Phil. There's 500 in there.

I'm sure he's going to count it but just so you know.

And also, I want to apologise.

I'm usually sneaking OUT of women's bedrooms.

No, in all seriousness, I was bang out of order.

I never should have dragged you into that. I'm sorry.

Let me start to make it up to you by doing your hair.

Making you look even more beautiful than you already do. Hmm?

I heard about the appeal.

Look, Stacey, we've both got to live here, haven't we?

So the way I see it, OK, is we're never going to be best friends, obviously.

But I don't know, we don't have to hate each other, do we?

-No, course not.

-Right. So...as fun as this has been,

I've got a hen night to get ready for.

Maybe I'll see you tonight.

All right, yeah.

-OK.

-See you later.

I was thinking about a slide-show. For my speech. You know, me and Phil through the years.

Yeah, but it's a little bit weird though, ain't it, Bill?

Billy! Billy!

What's all this about a stag event later? I've just seen Masood.

Yeah.

-Oh, come on, Mum, it'll be fun.

-Yeah, it'll be a right laugh.

No, no, no. I can't be bothered with all that.

Look at this. You could feed the 5,000 with this lot.

Mum, listen to me, all right? We're all missing 'em.

-It'll do us both good.

-Yeah.

-And trust me, you're not going to get no peace and quiet with these kids round here.

-No.

PHONE RINGS

Ha-ha-ha, Linda - you can't find me!

Hello? Who's that?

-All right?

-Just feeling a bit iffy.

Oh. You're not up to helping Linda with Sharon's hen do then, no?

-Must be a bug going round.

-Must be.

Oh, you know, sugar boost, innit? You know, keep my energy levels up.

Yeah, sugar boost.

I did finish work early to go spend some quality time with Lauren but I'll stay in and look after you.

No, no. Don't be silly, don't be silly.

PHONE RINGS

Probably Linda now. Probably really struggling.

-Anyway, I'll just go cancel those special plans.

-All right. I'm feeling a bit better.

-Oh, really, are you?

-All right, all right! Enough with the guilt trip.

You don't have to put up with her.

Come on. Chop chop.

She's only going to come and kick the door in anyway.

I can't face Attila the Hen sober.

Listen, strippers love older women.

-Here you are, Kat. It's your lucky day.

-Oi, you!

I reckon they like the discipline that the older woman

brings to the table.

-A firm hand.

-Ugh, Nan!

Ugh, is this off?

Don't be stupid. Wine don't go off.

-It does taste a bit funny. Where'd you nick that from?

-Well, if you don't want it, I'll have it.

-Nan?!

-Now what?

-That stinks! It smells like cat food.

-Yeah, well, you'll have to get used to it.

Fat Elvis don't do returns and we've got a barrel load of it.

Everything all right?

Yeah, yeah, just every now and then I think about her, you know. And it hits you.

When I was a kid, right, she used to make me as a treat - what was it? -

bread and butter pudding. Didn't have the heart to tell her I couldn't stand it.

You've always been a big softie, ain't ya? So come on, then, what do you reckon?

All the lumps and bumps covered or what?

Beautiful... Always beautiful.

-Soppy git.

-Right. What d'you prefer? Red or black?

Red, innit? Got to be red.

Cheers, Stace.

Right, you two ready, then?

Ha-ha!

There you go.

I hope it's strong.

Right, before everyone arrives, I just want to say that

when it comes to love, things don't always go to plan.

You know, sometimes life throws obstacles up in the way

but true love always finds a way.

So, here's to you and Phil. True love that found its way.

-Cheers.

-I'll drink to that.

This one's called a Ball and Chain.

I've made a selection. They're all ready and waiting. I did it especially.

And what did I say about Dean? You look fantastic! He's done a great job.

Thanks, Linda. Look, I'm just going to go to the loo, OK? Cheers.

Where is everybody?

Hiya. Are we early?

No!

Alfie, if I'm not back by ten I've chucked you for a stripper!

Yeah - I'm not that lucky, babe! Have fun.

There you go. That's you done.

-Hold on, my shoe's playing up.

-We'll see you in there.

Good luck with you two bringing girlfriends back home to this lot, eh?

You're a pair of lucky gits though, eh?

Got a mum who's going to do all the battles for ya,

an auntie that loves you very much, and a great nan who's got

enough hair gel sorted till you're 21.

And, you've got a dad who's going to take care of the lot of you.

Because that's what dads do. Take care of things.

Right. Let's get you two sorted now, right? There we go.

Tell you what, I used to love a playground.

Saying that though,

remember one time I proper face-planted off the monkey bars

and then my dad bought me an ice cream so I wouldn't tell my mum.

Yeah. I was never much of a playground kid.

What, you? You're like James Bond.

So, today I realised that my 52-year-old father has

a better social life than me.

I wouldn't mind but he's not particularly popular himself.

Ooh! I imagine that means you're not doing anything tonight, then?

If you need me, I'm across the road. And if the kids play up,

-give us a shout on the phone, yeah?

-Yeah, that's fine.

Lee's coming round in a bit, so he'll help me out if I'm struggling.

-Alfie, go and get your head down. You look like you need it.

-No, no, I'm fine. Nah, it's all good.

-See ya.

-All right. See you later.

-What sort of surprise?

-If I told you that it wouldn't be a surprise, would it?

See? Stripper.

Well, you'll have to wait and see.

Is it just me or is it really, really nice?

-I can't get a reception.

-We've only just got here.

Will you at least give 'em half a chance to play her up?

-Stace...

-Thanks.

Look, have a drink. Relax.

I like a swimmer's build myself.

I can't be doing with too many of them muscles, you know?

-What?

-Last few days of freedom, dolly. Should've brought the baby oil.

Look at her! Look, she's not even bothered. I bet Phil gives her a private show.

You've left your front door open. What's the matter with you? You're living in East London!

There's tea leaves everywhere.

Listen, you having this - four cans of lager for a fiver?

-How can I compete with that?

-Mick, listen, I've got some bits and bobs to do. See you over there.

Nah, nah. I know your game. If I leave here, you'll never turn up.

-Mick, I promise. Hand on heart, I'll be there.

-Alfie, I'm not a mug.

Listen, tell you what, give me 30 minutes and I'll be with you.

I ain't going nowhere. You ain't leaving me over there on me jack. We're in this together.

-Listen, 20 minutes. 20 minutes tops.

-You crack on, I'll make a start for the pair of us.

No, no, Mick. Please. Just go.

I can't go with ya. All right?

-Why not?

-Because if I've not paid the rent on this house by next week,

we're going to get kicked out of here.

What?

So what I'm going to do, I'm going to start a little fire in here.

And I'm going to make a claim.

Make sure you clean up after yourselves, yeah?

Why? Where you going?

Something's come up.

But I thought we were sorting the stag out?

Confirm everything. That's what Sharon said.

No go-karting, no paintballing. None of that. Anybody tries any funny stuff,

-they'll be counting the teeth they've got left in their head. Understood?

-Understood.

It's only going to be smoke damage.

-I'm not burning down the house, Mick. It's nothing.

-Nothing?

-It's arson.

-What? Dropping a snout in a bin ain't exactly Brink's-Mat.

-You don't even smoke. What's the matter with you?

-It's just a small claim. What do they care anyway?

It'll be enough to cover the contents.

-It'll just buy me a bit of time.

-Buy you a bit of time?

-Yes.

-What're you talking about?

What do you think this is, some sort of slap on the wrist? You're talking about a proper bit of bird.

No, just let me do what I've got to do, OK? I've only got a small chance before the family come back.

I've tried everything and nothing has worked. OK. This...

This is my last chance. All right?

Look at me. Look at me.

You've got a wife, you've got kids at home and you want to risk it all?

You want to risk going away for a poxy insurance claim? Yeah?

Now don't get me wrong, we've all had our moments.

Right? But you're not thinking straight. OK?

So. We're going to go and have a beer.

And tomorrow we'll sit down and we'll sort something out.

Alfie, liven yourself up.

It all depends on what your type is, really.

What type, men or women?

No, I mean, like bad boys or nice guys.

My taste speaks for itself, obviously.

-Bad boys... All day long.

-Nan.

-Depends on who you attract, too.

-Oi.

-What?

-Stop it. They're fine.

-I'm just checking.

I said it depends on who you attract, too. Actually.

-Sharon knows all about that, don't you, Sharon?

-Sorry?

Like there's Linda and Mick.

Then there's you and Phil, me and David.

Some of us are suckers for punishment.

She ain't had a drink for ages.

I'm not being funny but can you smell tuna?

Well, Jay's head's up in Bolton with Abi, so he's no help, is he?

I know a bloke who could do you a deal on a minibus.

If you want to make a day of it. Finder's fee applicable, of course.

A fee? For ringing your friend with a van?

A stag day out. I like the sound of that.

This is a minibus, all right? And this is Phil we're talking about. Who's going to go?

Might as well save your money and get him a Boris bike, or something, do you know what I mean?

Well, you lot would all go though, wouldn't you?

Hey! Here we go.

-Here we go!

-All right.

-Hold up, I thought we was having a drink?

-We can drink and play.

-I don't think that's a good idea.

So what we saying, big blind £5, small blind £2.50?

-Yes, Les! You see, that is my brother right there!

-Right, who wants?

Sorry, boys, listen, I can't. Christmas coming up. We're on a budget and all that, you know.

-Christmas? What are you talking about?

-The old woman would kill me.

It's all right for you. I never know whether she's going to poison me or not with her cooking.

-Don't think I'll risk it.

-OK, big blind, £2?

Easy. We can't all make a fortune out of misery, can we?

Oh. Says the publican.

Why don't we just have a nice little friendly game?

We used to play with matches when I was a kid.

When we had no money.

Anyway, this lot ain't going to last long, is it?

I guess someone is going to have to do the beer run.

A couple of cans of bitter wouldn't go amiss.

Listen, I'll go. I could do with the exercise. You lot start without me.

-Yeah, sure?

-Yeah, yeah, fine. Right, Billy.

Listen, I ain't going to play for money. No way.

Don't worry about it. I'll be back in a minute, all right?

Well, listen, don't be long.

Right, give us one of them lagers, Bill.

You OK? You enjoying yourself?

Yeah. Yeah, it's great.

You've got your surprise soon. You ready?

Yeah. As I'll ever be.

It's time. This way, come on.

That's it.

All right, don't you think it's about time we made up now?

Sorry, are you giving me the silent treatment?

You know, every year, Rox, I always fancy myself to crack it.

Something good will happen and I'm like, "That's cool, here we go."

Then one morning, you look in the mirror

and you realise you're 50. Kids, a missus who relies on you.

And then bam, it hits you. What if it never happens?

Too late to learn a trade, ain't it?

What's that saying? "God loves a trier."

-Sometimes trying ain't enough.

-Alfie.

Alfie, you've got three gorgeous boys, right?

You've got a missus who adores you.

I don't think you've done too badly. Yeah?

Look, I've got to go,

cos I think I'm already more than fashionably late for this hen night.

You know what, Alfie?

You need to remember something. You're Alfie Moon.

You're going to pull something out the bag. You always do. Right?

So just do yourself a favour, stop feeling sorry for yourself

and get on with it. OK? Hmm?

-See you later.

-Yeah.

-It's just, you know, it's just so quiet.

-I know that, all right?

And it's going to be hard, but it'll get better. I'm here for you. We all are.

-Shirley, can I get two pink ones, please? Have you seen Kat?

-No. Why? Is everything all right?

I bet she's gone round Whitney's.

She's going to miss it all now, look.

Ladies! Can I have your attention, please? Gather round.

You ready?

May I present our very special surprise guest - Mr Philip Mitchell!

LAUGHTER

He's not going to strip, is he?

-What you doing? Where you going?

-I can't do it. I can't marry him.

But...