The Abominable Bride Sherlock

The name's Sherlock Holmes and the address is 221B Baker Street.

Afternoon.

Yeah.

He's always like that.

WHIPS AND POUNDS

Bad day was it?

Since yesterday you've moved in with him and now you're solving crimes together.

-Mwah!

-Look at you, all happy, it's not decent.

Who cares about decent? The game, Mrs Hudson, is on!

Don't make people into heroes, John. Heroes don't exist and, if they did, I wouldn't be one of them.

I will burn the HEART out of you.

Right, this should do it.

-Are you wearing any pants?

-No.

-OK.

THEY CHUCKLE

This is how I want you to remember me, the woman who beat you.

But there never was any monster.

HOWLING

-Sherlock?

-Here we are, at last.

Argh! GUNSHOT

-Goodbye, John.

-Sherlock!

-'Those things will kill you.'

Oh, you bastard!

The thrill of the chase, the blood pumping through your veins,

just the two of us against the rest of the world.

Wait!

We're going to need to coordinate.

I asked you for one more miracle.

-I asked you to stop being dead.

-I heard you.

Shut up! You are not a puzzle solver, you never have been.

You're a drama queen!

Now there is a man in there about to die.

The game is on, solve it!

He is the Napoleon of blackmail.

No chance for you to be a hero this time, Mr Holmes.

I'm a high-functioning sociopath!

GUNSHOT

There is no prison in which we could incarcerate Sherlock without

causing a riot on a daily basis.

The alternative, however, would require your approval.

To the very best of times, John.

-WOMAN'S VOICE:

-Did you miss me?

-DISTORTED VOICE:

-Did you miss me?

How is this possible?

-How is the exile going?

-I've only been gone four minutes.

Well, I certainly hope you've learnt your lesson.

Who needs me this time?

Miss me?

England.

SHELL WHINES

"The Second Afghan War brought honours and promotion to many.

"But, for me, it meant nothing but misfortune and disaster."

HE GROANS

HE MOANS

All right, Captain.

WAR CRIES

"I returned to England with my health irretrievably ruined

"and my future bleak.

"Under such circumstances, I naturally gravitated to London.

"That great cesspool into which all the loungers..."

-Watson!

-"..and idlers of the empire are drained."

Watson!

Stamford.

Remember?

We were at Barts together.

Yes, of course. Stamford.

Good Lord! Where have you been?

You're as thin as a rake!

I made it home. Many weren't so lucky.

So what now?

I need a place to live.

Somewhere decent at an affordable price. It's not easy.

STAMFORD CHUCKLES

You know, you're the second person to say that to me today.

Hmm? Who was the first?

POUNDING

Good Lord.

It's an experiment, apparently.

Beating corpses to establish how long after death bruising is

still possible.

Is there a medical point to that?

Not sure.

Neither am I. So, where's this friend of yours, then?

POUNDING CONTINUES

Excuse me.

I do hope we're not interrupting.

You've been in Afghanistan, I perceive.

Dr Watson, Mr Sherlock...

Excellent reflexes, you'll do.

I'm sorry...?

I have my eye on a suite of rooms near Regent's Park. Between us we could afford them.

Rooms? Who said anything about rooms?

I did, I mentioned it this morning, I was in need of a fellow lodger.

Now he appears after lunch in the company of a man of military aspect

with a tan and a recent injury, both suggestive

of the campaign in Afghanistan and an enforced departure from it.

The conclusion seemed inescapable. We'll finalise the details tomorrow evening.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a hanging in Wandsworth and I'd hate them to start without me.

-A hanging?

-I take a professional interest.

I also play the violin and smoke a pipe. I presume that's not a problem.

-Er, no, well...

-And you're clearly acclimatized to never getting

to the end of a sentence. We'll get along splendidly.

Tomorrow evening, seven o'clock, then.

Oh, and the name is Sherlock Holmes

and the address is 221B, Baker Street.

Yes...he's always been like that.

Papers! Papers!

Papers! Papers!

CAROL SINGING IN BACKGROUND

-Here, how's The Blue Carbuncle doing?

-Very popular, Dr Watson.

Is there going to be a proper murder next month?

I'll have a word with the criminal classes.

If you wouldn't mind.

Is that him? Is he in there?

-THUD

-Ow! No.

No, no, not at all. Er, good day to you.

Let on, walk.

Merry Christmas, Mr Holmes!

Mr Holmes!

I do wish you'd let me know when you're planning to come home!

I hardly knew myself, Mrs Hudson.

That's the trouble with dismembered country squires.

They're notoriously difficult to schedule.

-What's in there?

-Never mind.

Thank you.

Did you catch the murderer, Mr Holmes?

Caught the murderer, still looking for the legs. I think we'll call it a draw.

And I noticed you've published another of your stories, Dr Watson.

Yes, did you enjoy it?

No.

Oh?

-I never enjoy them.

-Why not?

Well, I never say anything, do I?

According to you, I just show people up the stairs

and serve you breakfasts.

Well, within the narrative, that is, broadly speaking, your function.

My what?!

-Don't feel singled out, Mrs Hudson, I'm hardly in the dog one.

-"The dog one?"

I'm your landlady, not a plot device.

Do you mean The Hound Of The Baskervilles?

And you make the rooms so drab and dingy.

Oh, blame it on the illustrator, he's out of control!

I've had to grow this moustache just so people will recognise me.

"Over the many years it has been my privilege to record

"the exploits of my remarkable friend, Mr Sherlock Holmes,

"it has sometimes been difficult to choose which of his many

"cases to set before my readers.

"Some are still too sensitive to recount,

"whilst others are too recent in the minds of the public.

"But in all our many adventures together, no case pushed my friend

"to such mental and physical extremes

"as that of The Abominable Bride!"

Good Lord!

Mrs Hudson, there is a woman in my sitting room!

Is it intentional?

She's a client. Said you were out, insisted on waiting.

Would you, er, care to sit down?

Didn't you ask her what she wanted?

You ask her!

Why didn't YOU ask her?

How could I, what with me not talking and everything?!

Oh, for God's sake, give her some lines,

she's perfectly capable of starving us!

Good afternoon. I am Sherlock Holmes, this is my friend and colleague, Dr Watson.

-You may speak freely in front of him, as he rarely understands a word.

-Holmes!

However, before you do, allow me to make some trifling observations.

You have an impish sense of humour,

which currently you are deploying to ease a degree of personal anguish.

You have recently married a man of a seemingly kindly disposition,

who has now abandoned you

for an unsavoury companion of dubious morals.

You have come to this agency as a last resort,

in the hope that reconciliation may still be possible.

Good Lord, Holmes!

All of this is, of course, perfectly evident from your perfume.

Her perfume?

Yes, her perfume, which brings insight to me and disaster to you.

How so?

Because I recognised it and you did not.

-Mary!

-John.

Why, in God's name, are you pretending to be a client?

Because I could think of no other way to see my husband, husband.

VIOLIN PLAYS

It was an affair of international intrigue.

-It was a murdered country squire.

-Nevertheless, matters were pressing.

-I don't mind you going, my darling, I mind you leaving me behind.

-But what could you do?!

Well, what do you do, except wander around taking notes, looking surprised?!

VIOLIN SCREECHES Enough!

The stage is set, the curtain rises.

We are ready to begin.

Begin what?

Sometimes to solve a case, one must first solve another.

-Oh, you have a case, then, a new one?

-An old one, very old.

I shall have to go deep.

Deep? Into what?

Myself.

Lestrade! Do stop loitering by the door and come in.

How did you know it was me?

The regulation tread is unmistakable.

Lighter than Jones, heavier than Gregson.

I, I just came up... Mrs Hudson didn't seem to be talking.

I fear she has branched into literary criticism

by means of satire.

It is a distressing trend in the modern landlady.

What brings you here in your off-duty hours?

-How do you know I'm off duty?

-Well, since your arrival,

you've addressed over 40% of your remarks to my decanter.

Watson, give the Inspector what he so clearly wants.

So...Lestrade, what can we do for you?

Oh, I'm not here on business, I just thought I'd drop by.

A social call?

Yeah, of course, just to wish you the compliments of the season.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

Thank God that's over.

Now, Inspector, what strange happening compels you

to my door, but embarrasses you to relate?

Who said anything happened?

You did. By every means short of actual speech.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, Holmes, you have misdiagnosed.

Then, correct me, Doctor.

He didn't WANT a drink, he needed one.

He's not embarrassed, he's afraid.

My Boswell is learning. They do grow up so fast.

Watson, restore the courage of Scotland Yard.

Inspector, do sit down.

I'm, I'm not afraid, exactly.

Fear is wisdom in the face of danger,

it is nothing to be ashamed of.

Thank you.

From the beginning, then.

BANG

BULLETS WHISTLE

You!

No, please!

You?!

GUNSHOTS

A moment.

GUNSHOT

When was this?

Yesterday morning.

The bride's face, how was it described?

"White as death, mouth like a crimson wound."

Poetry or truth?

Many would say they're the same thing.

Yes, idiots. Poetry or truth?

I saw her face myself. Afterwards.

After what?

You?

Or me?

GUNSHOT

SCREAMING

Oh, really, Lestrade, a woman blows her own brains out in public

and you need help identifying the guilty party?

I feel Scotland Yard has reached a new low.

That's not why I'm here.

-I surmised.

-What was her name, the bride?

Emelia Ricoletti. Yesterday was her wedding anniversary.

The police, of course, were called.

And her body taken to the morgue.

Standard procedure. Why are you telling us what may be presumed?

Because of what happened next.

Limehouse. Just a few hours later.

CHURCH BELLS TOLL

Thomas Ricoletti. Emelia Ricoletti's husband.

Presumably on his way to the morgue to identify her remains?

As it turned out, he was saved the trip.

HORSES WHINNY

# Do not forget me

# Do not forget me

# Remember the maid... #

Who are you?

# The maid of the mill... #

Why are you doing this? Just tell me who you are!

You recognise our song, my dear?

I sang it at our wedding.

-HE SHIVERS

-Emelia?

You, you're dead, you can't be here, you died!

Am I not beautiful, Thomas?

As beautiful as the day you married me?

Who...

What the hell is all this about?!

What does it look like, my handsome friend?

It's a shotgun wedding.

GUNSHOT

THUD

Till death us do part. Twice in this case.

SCREAMING

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Extraordinary.

Impossible.

Superb.

Suicide as street theatre, murder by corpse. Lestrade, you're spoiling us.

-Watson, your hat and coat.

-Where are we going?

-To the morgue.

There's not a moment to lose, which one can so rarely say of a morgue.

And am I just to sit here?

Not at all, my dear. We'll be hungry later.

Holmes, just one thing, tweeds in a morgue?

Needs must when the devil drives, Watson.

Ma'am.

I'm part of a campaign, you know.

Oh, campaign?

Votes for women.

And are you for or against?

Get out.

SHE SIGHS

DOOR KNOCKS

Ooh-ooh!

Oh, have they gone off again, have they?

I don't know, what a life those gentlemen lead.

Huh, yes. Those gentlemen(!)

Oh, never you mind.

Oh, almost forgot, that came for you.

Oh.

Mrs Hudson, tell my husband I'll be home late,

I have some urgent business.

Is everything all right?

Oh, you know, just a, er, friend in need.

Oh, dear. What friend?

England.

Well, that's not very specific.

Who's on mortuary duty?

You know who.

Always him.

HORSE NEIGHS

Please tell me which idiot did this!

It's for everyone's safety.

This woman is dead, half her head is missing.

She's not a threat to anyone.

Tell that to her husband, he's under a sheet over there.

Whatever happened in Limehouse last night, I think

we can safely assume it wasn't the work of a dead woman.

Stranger things have happened.

Such as...?

Well... Strange things.

You're speaking like a child.

This is clearly man's work. Where is he?

DOOR OPENS

Holmes.

Hooper.

You, back to work!

So, come to astonish us with your magic tricks, I suppose?

Is there anything to which you would like to draw my attention?

Nothing at all, Mr Holmes.

You may leave any time you like.

Dr Hooper, I asked Mr Holmes to come here. Cooperate.

That's an order.

There are two "features of interest",

as you are always saying in Dr Watson's stories.

I never say that.

You do, actually, quite a lot.

First of all, this is definitely Emelia Ricoletti.

She has been categorically identified.

Beyond a doubt, it is her.

Then who was that in Limehouse last night?

That was also Emelia Ricoletti.

It can't have been. She was dead, she was here.

She was positively identified by her own husband, seconds before he died.

He had no reason to lie, could hardly have been mistaken.

The cabbie knew her, too, there's no question it's her.

But she can't have been in two places at the same time, can she?

No, Watson, one place is strictly the limit for the recently deceased.

-Holmes!

-CLICKS FINGERS

-Could it have been twins?

-No.

-Why not?

Because it's never twins.

Emelia was not a twin, nor did she have any sisters.

She had one older brother who died four years ago.

Hmm, maybe it was a secret twin.

A what?!

A secret twin.

Hmm? You know?

A twin that nobody knows about.

This whole thing could have been planned.

Since the moment of conception. How breathtakingly prescient of her.

-It is never twins, Watson!

-Then what's your theory?

More to the point, what's your problem?

-I, I don't understand...

-Why were you so frightened?

Nothing so far has justified your assault on my decanter,

and why have you allowed a dead woman to be placed under arrest?

Ah, that would be the other feature of interest.

A smear of blood on her finger.

That could have happened any number of ways.

Indeed. There's one other thing.

It wasn't there earlier.

Neither was that.

You!

You?

You?!

Holmes?

Gun in the mouth, a bullet through the brain...

Back of the head blown clean off.

How could he survive?

"She", you mean.

I'm sorry?

Not "he", "she".

Yes, yes of course.

HE STARTS

Well, thank you all for a fascinating case.

I'll send you a telegram when I've solved it. Watson.

The gunshot wound was obviously the cause of death,

but there are clear indicators of consumption.

It might be worth a postmortem.

We need all the information we can get.

Oh, isn't he observant, now that Daddy's gone(!)

I AM observant in some ways, just as Holmes is quite blind in others.

Really?

Yes, really.

Amazing...what one has to do to get ahead in a man's world.

What's he saying that for?

Get back to work!

Well, Holmes? Surely you must have some theory?

Not yet. These are deep waters, Watson, deep waters.

And I shall have to go deeper still.

"It was not for several months that we were to pick up

"the threads of this strange case again.

"And then under very unexpected circumstances."

Five of them now, all the same, every one of them.

Hush, please, this is a matter of supreme importance.

-What is?

-The obliquity of the ecliptic. I have to understand it.

-What is it?

-I don't know, I'm still trying to understand it.

-I thought you understood everything.

-Of course not, that would be an appalling waste of brain space.

-I specialise.

-And what's so important about this?

-What's so important about five boring murders?

They're not boring. Five men dead, murdered in their own homes, rice on the floor

like at a wedding, and the word "You" written in blood on the wall!

It's, it's her, it's the Bride. Somehow she's risen again.

-Solved it.

-You can't have solved it!

Of course I've solved it, it's perfectly simple.

The incident of the mysterious Mrs Ricoletti, the killer from

beyond the grave, has been widely reported in the popular press.

Now people are disguising their own dull little murders as the

work of a ghost, to confuse the impossibly imbecilic Scotland Yard.

There you are, solved.

Pay Mrs Hudson a visit on your way out, she likes to feel involved.

You sure?

Certainly. Go away. Watson! I'm ready.

Your hat and boots, we have an important appointment.

Didn't Dr Watson move out a few months ago?

He did, didn't he?

Who have I been talking to all this time?

Well, speaking on behalf of the impossibly imbecilic Scotland Yard,

that chair is definitely empty.

It is, isn't it? Works surprisingly well, though.

I actually thought he was improving.

HE EXHALES

Ah. Where have you been?

Sorry, sir, I'm rather behind my time this morning.

Are you incapable of boiling an egg?!

The fires are rarely lit, there is dust everywhere

and you almost destroyed my boots scraping the mud off them.

If it wasn't my wife's business to deal with the staff, I would talk to you myself.

-Where is my wife?

-Begging your pardon, sir, but the mistress has gone out.

-Out? At this hour of the morning?

-Yes, sir. Did you not know that, sir?

Where did she go? She's always out these days.

-CHUCKLING:

-Not unlike yourself...sir.

I'm sorry...?

-Just observing, sir.

-Well, that's quite enough, nobody asked you to be observant.

Sorry, sir, I just meant you're hardly ever home together any more, sir.

You are dangerously close to impertinence.

I shall have a word with my wife to have a word with you.

Very good, sir. And when will you be seeing her?

Now, listen...

-Oh, I nearly forgot, sir. A telegram came for you.

-You forgot?!

-No, I nearly forgot.

-What have you been doing all morning?

Reading your new one in The Strand, sir.

Did you enjoy it?

Why do you never mention me, sir?

Go away.

-The what of the what?

-The obliquity of the ecliptic.

"Come at once," you said. I assumed it was important.

It is.

It's the inclination of the earth's equator to the path of the sun

on the celestial plane.

-CHUCKLING:

-You been swotting up?

-Why would I do that?

-To sound clever.

-I am clever.

-Oh, oh, I see.

-You see what?

I deduce we're on our way to see someone cleverer than you.

Shut up.

Sh...

Sorry, what? Oh.

To anyone who wishes to study mankind, this is the spot.

Handy really, as your ever-expanding backside is permanently glued to it.

-Good morning, brother mine.

-Sherlock. Dr Watson.

You look...well, sir.

Really? I rather thought I looked enormous.

Well, now you mention it, this level of consumption

is incredibly injurious to your health.

-Your heart...

-No need to worry on that score, Watson.

-No?

There's only a large cavity where that organ should reside.

-It's a family trait.

-Oh, I wasn't being critical.

If you continue like this, sir, I give you five years at the most.

Five? We thought three, did we not, Sherlock?

I'm still inclined to four.

As ever, you see but you do not observe.

Note the discolouration in the whites of my eyes,

the visible rings of fat around the corneas.

-Yes, you're right. I'm changing my bet to three years, four months and 11 days.

-A bet?!

I understand your disapproval, Watson,

but if he's feeling competitive, it's perfectly within his power to die early.

-That's a risk you'll have to take.

-You're gambling with your own life?

Why not? It's so much more exciting than gambling with others'.

-Three years flat - if you eat that plum pudding!

-Done.

HE GRUNTS

I expected to see you a few days ago about the Manor House case.

I thought you might be a little out of your depth there.

No. I solved it.

-It was Adams, of course.

-Yes, it was Adams.

Murderous jealousy. He'd written a paper for the Royal Astronomical Society

on the obliquity of the ecliptic,

-and then read another that seemed to surpass it.

-I know, I read it.

Did you understand it?

Yes, of course I understood it, it was perfectly simple.

No, did you understand the murderous jealousy?

It is no easy thing for a great mind to contemplate a still greater one.

Did you summon me here just to humiliate me?

Yes.

Of course not, but it is by far the greater pleasure.

Then would you mind explaining exactly why you did summon...?

Our way of life is under threat from an invisible enemy.

One that hovers at our elbow on a daily basis.

These enemies are everywhere... undetected...and unstoppable.

Socialists?

Not socialists, Doctor, no.

-Anarchists?

-No.

The French? The suffragists?

Is there any large body of people you're not concerned about?

Dr Watson is endlessly vigilant. Elaborate...

No. Investigate.

This is a conjecture of mine, I need you to confirm it.

I'm sending you a case.

-The Scots?

-The Scots?!

Are you aware of recent theories concerning what is

known as paranoia?

Oh, sounds Serbian.

A woman will call on you - Lady Carmichael.

I want you to take her case.

But these enemies, how are we to defeat them

if you won't tell us about them?

We don't defeat them. We most certainly lose to them.

Why?

Because they are right. And we are wrong.

Lady Carmichael's case, what is it?

Rest assured, it has features of interest.

-I never really say that.

-You really do.

And you've solved it already, I assume?

Only in my head. I need you for the, er, legwork.

Why not just tell us your solution?

And where would be the sport in that?

Will you do it, Sherlock?

I can promise you a superior distraction.

On one condition. Have another plum pudding.

There's one on the way.

Two years, 11 months and four days.

Ha, it's getting exciting now! Ticktock, ticktock, ticktock.

Thank you, Wilder.

Also, a Mr Melas to see you, Mr Holmes.

Ah. Give me five minutes, I have a wager to win.

Better make that 15.

Ticktock.

SQUELCH

Mr Holmes, I have come here for advice.

-That is easily got.

-And help.

Not always so easy.

Something has happened, Mr Holmes, something...unusual

and...terrifying.

Then you are in luck.

-SCOFFING:

-Luck?!

Those are my specialisms. Hmm, this is really very promising.

Holmes...

Please...do tell us what has so distressed you.

I, I thought long and hard as to what to do,

but then it occurred to me that my husband was

an acquaintance of your brother and that perhaps through him...

The fact is, I'm not sure this comes within your purview, Mr Holmes.

No?

Lord help me, I think it may be a matter for a priest.

And what does your morning threaten, my dear?

A vigorous round of embroidering?

An exhausting appointment at the milliners?

I hope you are teasing, Eustace.

HE CHUCKLES

SINISTER SCORE

What is it?

Eustace?

Daniel, Sophie, go out and play.

But, Mama...

Look, do as I tell you, quickly now.

SHE LAUGHS

Well, Eustace, what does this mean?

Death.

What?

It means death.

Er, nothing, it's, er, it's nothing.

I was...mistaken.

My dear, you've gone quite pale.

It's nothing!

Eustace...

'Did you keep the envelope?'

My husband destroyed it, but it was blank.

No name or address of any kind.

Tell me, has Sir Eustace spent time in America?

-No.

-Not even before your marriage?

-Well, not to my knowledge.

-Hmm.

Pray, continue with your fascinating narrative.

Well, that incident took place last Monday morning.

It was two days later on the Wednesday

that my husband first saw her.

Who?

Eustace?

HE MOANS

HE WHIMPERS

She's come for me, Louisa!

Oh, God, help me, my sins have found me out!

Who's come for you? Eustace, you're frightening me.

Well, look, look!

Don't you see her?

No, I see no-one.

Gone.

HE WAILS

You keep so many secrets from me, is this another?

Who have you seen?

It was her!

It was the Bride!

And you saw nothing?

Nothing.

-Did your husband describe...?

-Nothing, until this morning.

Eustace?!

SHE PANTS

Eustace?!

Eustace?

Eustace?!

Argh!

Blast!

Eustace?!

Where are you? It's me!

# Do not forget me

# Do not forget me

# Remember the maid

# The maid of the mill... #

Who are you?

I demand you speak, who are you?!

Eustace, speak to me. In the name of God!

She's...

She is Emelia Ricoletti.

No, not you.

No...

Please!

This night, Eustace Carmichael, you will die!

DRAMATIC SCORE BUILDS

HE GROANS

SHE GROANS

-Holmes?

-Hush, Watson.

But Emelia Ricoletti, the Bride.

-Well, you know the name?

-You must forgive Watson,

he has an enthusiasm for stating the obvious, which borders on mania.

May I ask, how is your husband this morning?

He refuses to speak about the matter.

-Obviously, I have urged him to leave the house.

-No, no, he must stay exactly where he is.

Well, you don't think he's in danger?

Oh, no, somebody definitely wants to kill him, but that's good for us. You can't set a trap without bait.

-My husband is not bait, Mr Holmes.

-No, but he could be if we play our cards right.

Now, listen, you must go home immediately.

Dr Watson and I will follow on the next train.

-There's not a moment to lose, Sir Eustace is to die tonight.

-Holmes.

And we should...probably avoid that.

-Definitely.

-Definitely avoid that.

Little brother has taken the case, of course.

I now rely on you to keep an eye on things,

but he must never suspect you are working for me.

Are you clear on that, Watson?

You can rely on me, Mr Holmes.

-You don't suppose...

-I don't and neither should you.

You don't know what I was going to say.

You were about to suggest there may be some supernatural agency

involved in this matter. And I was about to laugh in your face.

But the Bride, Holmes, Emelia Ricoletti again.

A dead woman walking the earth.

-SIGHING: You amaze me, Watson.

-I do?

Since when have you had any kind of imagination?

Perhaps since I convinced the reading public that

an unprincipled drug addict was some kind of gentleman hero.

Yes, now you come to mention it, that was quite impressive.

You may, however, rest assured there are no ghosts in this world.

TRAIN WHISTLE

(Save those we make for ourselves.)

Sorry, what did you say?

Ghosts we make for ourselves, what do you mean?

Somnambulism.

I beg your pardon?

I sleepwalk, that's all. It's a common enough condition.

I thought you were a doctor!

The whole thing was a...bad dream.

Including the contents of the envelope you received?

Well, that's a grotesque joke.

Well, that's not the impression you gave your wife, sir.

-She's an hysteric, prone to fancies.

-No.

-I'm sorry, what did you say?

-I said no, she's not an hysteric.

She's a highly intelligent woman of rare perception.

My wife sees terror in an orange pip.

Your wife can see worlds where no-one else can see

anything of value whatsoever.

Can she really(?)

And how do you "deduce" that, Mr Holmes?

She married you.

I assume she was capable of finding a reason.

I'll do my best to save your life tonight, but first it would

help if you would explain your connection to the Ricoletti case.

Ricoletti?

Yes. In detail, please.

I've never heard of her.

Interesting. I didn't mention she was a woman.

We'll show ourselves out. I hope to see you again in the morning.

You will not.

Then sadly I shall be solving your murder. Good day.

Well, you tried.

Will you see that Lady Carmichael receives this. Thank you.

-Good afternoon.

-Certainly, sir.

-What was that?

Lady Carmichael will sleep alone tonight,

upon the pretence of a violent headache.

All the doors and windows of the house will be locked.

Ha! You think the spectre, er, Bride,

will attempt to lure Sir Eustace outside again?

Certainly. Why else the portentous threat?

-"This night you will die!"

-Well, he won't follow her, surely?

Hmm, it's difficult to say quite what he'll do.

-Guilt is eating away at his soul.

-Guilt? About what?

Something in his past. The orange pips were a reminder.

-Not a joke?

-Not at all.

Orange pips are a traditional warning of avenging death,

originating in America.

Sir Eustace knows this only too well,

just as he knows why he is to be punished.

Something to do with Emelia Ricoletti?

I presume. We all have a past, Watson. Ghosts.

They are the shadows that define our every sunny day.

Sir Eustace knows he's a marked man.

There's something more than murder he fears.

He believes he is to be dragged to hell by the risen corpse

of the late Mrs Ricoletti.

That's a lot of nonsense, isn't it?

God, yes. Did you bring your revolver?

What good would that be against a ghost?

-Exactly. Did you bring it?

-Yeah, of course.

Then come, Watson, come. The game is afoot.

WATSON GROANS

-Get down, Watson, for heaven's sake!

-Sorry. Cramp.

-Is the lamp still burning?

-Yes.

There goes Sir Eustace.

And Lady Carmichael.

The house sleeps.

Hmm, good God, this is the longest night of my life.

Have patience, Watson.

Only midnight.

You know, it's rare for us to sit together like this.

I should hope so. It's murder on the knees.

Two old friends just talking. Chewing the fat.

Man-to-man.

So, a remarkable woman.

-Who?

-Lady Carmichael.

The fair sex is your department, Watson.

-I'll take your word for it.

-Well, you liked her. "A woman of rare perception."

And admirably high arches. I noticed them as soon as she stepped into the room.

-Huh, she's far too good for him.

-You think so?

No. You think so. I could tell.

On the contrary, I have no view on the matter.

Yes, you have.

-Marriage is not a subject upon which I dwell.

-Oh, why not?

What's the matter with you this evening?

That watch that you're wearing, there's a photograph inside it.

I glimpsed it once. I believe it is of Irene Adler.

You didn't glimpse it, you waited till I'd fallen asleep

-and looked at it.

-Yes, I did.

-You seriously thought I wouldn't notice?

-Irene Adler.

Formidable opponent, a remarkable adventure.

-A very nice photograph.

-Why are you talking like this?

-Why are you so determined to be alone?

-Are you quite well, Watson?

Is it such a curious question?

From a Viennese alienist, no.

From a retired Army surgeon, most certainly.

Holmes, against absolutely no opposition whatsoever,

-I am your closest friend.

-I concede it.

I am currently attempting to have

a perfectly normal conversation with you.

Please don't.

Why do you need to be alone?

If you are referring to romantic entanglement, Watson,

which I rather fear you are, as I have often explained before,

all emotion is abhorrent to me.

It is the grit in a sensitive instrument.

-The crack in the lens.

-The crack in the lens. Yes.

-Well, there you are, you see, I've said it all before.

-No, I wrote all that.

-You're quoting yourself from The Strand Magazine.

-Well, exactly.

Those are my words, not yours!

That is the version of you that I present to the public.

The brain without a heart. The calculating machine.

I write all of that, Holmes, and the readers lap it up.

But I do not believe it.

-Well, I've a good mind to write to your editor.

-You are a living, breathing man.

-You've lived a life, you have a past.

-A what?!

Well, you must have had...

Had what?

-You know.

-No.

Experiences.

Pass me your revolver, I have a sudden need to use it.

Damn it, Holmes, you are flesh and blood, you have feelings,

you have...

You must have... Impulses.

Dear Lord, I have never been

so impatient to be attacked by a murderous ghost.

As your friend, as someone who worries about you...

..what made you like this?

Oh, Watson...

Nothing made me.

DOG YELPS

I made me.

Redbeard?

Good God!

What are we to do?

Why don't we have a chat?

Mrs Ricoletti, I believe!

A pleasant night for the time of year, is it not?

It cannot be true, Holmes, it cannot!

No, it can't.

MAN SCREAMS

GLASS SHATTERS

-Is it locked?

-As per instruction.

That was a window breaking, wasn't it?

There's only one broken window we need concern ourselves with.

-Stay here, Watson.

-What? No.

All the doors and windows to the house are locked.

This is their only way out, I need you here!

-But the sound was so close. It had to be from this side of the house.

-Stay here!

WOMAN WAILS

Oh!

No!

You promised to keep him safe. You promised!

You...

SHE SOBS

CREAKING

BARREL CLICKS

CREAKING

HE STANDS ON GLASS

You're human, I know that.

You must be.

Little use us standing here in the dark.

After all, this is the 19th century.

WOMAN SCREAMS

WIND WHISTLES

HE PANTS

HE BREATHES HEAVILY

Do not forget me!

Do not forget me!

SHE WAILS

Watson!

-She's there! She's down there!

-Don't tell me you abandoned your post!

What? Holmes, she's there, I saw her!

Empty, thanks to you!

Our bird is flown!

No! No, Holmes, it wasn't what you think.

I saw her! The ghost!

THERE ARE NO GHOSTS!

What happened? Where is Sir Eustace?

Dead.

You really mustn't blame yourself, you know.

-EXHALES: No, you're quite right.

-I'm glad you're seeing sense.

Watson is equally culpable.

Between us, we've managed to botch this whole case.

I gave an undertaking to protect that man,

now he's lying there with a dagger in his breast.

In fact, you gave an undertaking to investigate his murder.

In the confident expectation I would not have to!

Anything you can tell us, Doctor?

Well, he's been stabbed with considerable force.

It's a man, then?

Possibly.

A very keen blade, so it could conceivably have been a woman?

In theory, yes, but we know who it was, I saw her.

-Watson!

-I saw the ghost, with my own eyes!

You saw nothing! You saw what you were supposed to see!

You said yourself, I have no imagination.

Then use your brain, such as it is, to eliminate the impossible,

which in this case is the ghost, and observe what remains, which in this case is a solution

-so blindingly obvious even Lestrade could work it out!

-Thank you!

Forget spectres from the other world!

There is only one suspect with motive and opportunity.

-They might as well have left a note.

-They did leave a note.

And then there's the matter of the other broken window.

-What other broken window?

-Precisely! There isn't one.

The only broken window is the one that Watson and I entered through,

yet, prior to that, we distinctly heard the sound of...

-What did you just say?

-Sorry?

-About a note, what did you just say?

-I said the murderer DID leave a note.

-No, they didn't.

There's a message tied to the dagger. You must have seen it!

-There's no message.

-Yes!

There was no message when I found the body.

Holmes?

What is it?

Do you?

Do I what?

H-how did you get that?

I left it at the crime scene.

"Crime scene"? Where do you pick up these extraordinary expressions?

Do you miss him?

Moriarty is dead.

And yet...?

His body was never recovered.

To be expected when one pushes a maths professor over a waterfall.

Pure reason toppled by sheer melodrama.

Your life in a nutshell.

Where do you pick up these extraordinary expressions?

HE SNIFFS Have you put on weight?

You saw me only yesterday. Does that seem possible?

No.

Yet here I am, increased.

What does that tell the foremost criminal investigator in England?

In England?

You're in deep, Sherlock, deeper than you ever intended to be.

-Have you made a list?

-Of what?

Everything. We will need a list.

Good boy.

No, I haven't finished yet.

Moriarty may beg to differ.

HE SIGHS

He's trying to distract me. To derail me.

Yes.

He's the crack in the lens, the fly in the ointment,

the virus in the data.

I have to finish this.

If Moriarty has risen from the Reichenbach cauldron,

he will seek you out.

I'll be waiting.

Yes.

I'm very much afraid you will.

(Two days he's been like that.)

(Has he eaten?)

No, not a morsel.

Press are having a ruddy field day. There's still reporters outside.

Oh, they've been there all the time, I can't get rid of them.

I've been rushed off my feet making tea.

Why do you make him tea?

I dunno, I just sort of do.

He said, "There's only one suspect," and then he just walks away

and now he won't explain.

Which is strange, because he likes that bit.

Said it was so simple I could solve it.

I'm sure he was exaggerating.

What's he doing, do you think?

-He says he's waiting.

-For what?

The devil. I wouldn't be surprised.

We get all sorts here.

-Well, wire me if there's any change.

-Yeah.

CREAKING

FOOTSTEPS

Everything I have to say has already crossed your mind.

Then possibly my answer has crossed yours.

Like a bullet.

It's a dangerous habit,

to finger loaded firearms in the pocket of one's dressing gown.

Or are you just pleased to see me?

NECK CREAKS

You'll forgive me for taking precautions.

I'd be offended if you didn't.

Obviously, I've returned the courtesy.

BARREL CLICKS

I like your rooms. They smell so...

..manly.

I'm sure you acquainted yourself with them before now.

Well, you are always away, on your little adventures for The Strand.

Tell me, does the illustrator travel with you?

Do you have to pose... during your deductions?

I'm aware of all six occasions you have visited these apartments

-during my absence.

-I know you are.

By the way, you have a surprisingly comfortable bed.

Did you know that dust is largely composed of human skin?

Yes.

Doesn't taste the same, though, you want your skin fresh.

-Just a little crispy.

-Won't you sit down?

That's all people really are, you know,

dust waiting to be distributed.

And it gets everywhere. Ugh.

In every breath you take, dancing in every sunbeam,

all the used-up people.

Fascinating, I'm sure. Won't you sit...

People, people, people! Can't keep anything shiny.

Do you mind if I fire this?

Just to clean it out.

Exactly, let's stop playing.

We don't need toys to kill each other.

-Where's the intimacy in that?

-Sit down.

-Why? What do you want?

-You chose to come here.

Not true, you know that's not true.

What do you want, Sherlock?

The truth.

That. Truth's boring!

You didn't expect me to turn up at the scene of the crime, did you?

Poor old Sir Eustace. He got what was coming to him.

But you couldn't have killed him.

Oh, so what? Does it matter? Stop it. Stop this.

You don't care about Sir Eustace, or the Bride, or any of it.

There's only one thing in this whole business that you find interesting.

(I know what you're doing.)

RATTLING

The Bride put a gun in her mouth and shot the back of her head off

and then she came back.

Impossible. But she did it.

And you need to know how.

How?

Don't you?

It's tearing your world apart, not knowing.

You're trying to stop me... To distract me, derail me.

Because doesn't this remind you of another case?

Hasn't this all happened before?

There's nothing new under the sun. What was it?

What was it? What was that case? Huh?

Do you remember?

(It's on the tip of my tongue. It's on the tip of my tongue.)

(It's on the tip of my tongue.)

(It's on the tip...)

(..of my tongue.)

For the sake of Mrs Hudson's wallpaper, I must remind you

that one false move with your finger and you will be dead.

HE MUMBLES

I'm sorry?

Dead...(is the new sexy.)

RUMBLING

GUNSHOT

Well, I'll tell you what, that rather blows the cobwebs away.

(How can you be alive?)

How do I look?

Huh?

You can be honest, is it noticeable?

You blew your own brains out, how could you survive?

Or maybe I could backcomb.

I saw you die.

Why aren't you dead?

Because it's not the fall that kills you, Sherlock.

Of all people, you should know that, it's not the fall,

it's never the fall.

It's the landing!

RATTLING

TYRES SCREECH

We've landed, sir.

We've landed.

No, no, not now, not now!

Not now, not now.

I trust you had a pleasant flight, sir?

-MYCROFT:

-Well, a somewhat shorter exile

than we'd imagined, brother mine,

but probably adequate, given your levels of OCD.

-I have to go back!

-What?

I was...I was nearly there, I nearly had it!

What on earth are you talking about?

Go back where? You didn't get very far.

Ricoletti and his abominable wife! Don't you understand?!

No, of course we don't, you're not making any sense, Sherlock.

It was a case, a famous one from 100 years ago.

Lodged in my hard drive, she seemed to be dead, but then she came back.

-What, like Moriarty?

-Shot herself in the head, exactly like Moriarty.

But you've only just been told.

We've only just found out, he's on every TV screen in the country.

Yes? So? It's been five minutes since Mycroft called.

What progress have you made? What have you been doing?

More to the point, what have YOU been doing?

-I've been in my Mind Palace, of course.

-Of course.

Running an experiment. How would I have solved the crime,

-if I'd been there in 1895?

-Oh, Sherlock.

I had all the details perfect.

I was there, all of it, everything. I was immersed.

Of course you were.

You've been reading John's blog. The story of how you met.

It helps me if I see myself through his eyes sometimes.

I'm so much cleverer.

Do you really think anyone is believing you?

No, he can do this, I've seen it.

The Mind Palace, it's like a whole world in his head.

Yes, and I need to get back there.

The Mind Palace is a memory technique, I know what it can do

and I know what it most certainly cannot.

Maybe there are one or two things that I know that you don't.

Oh, there are.

Did you make a list?

You've put on weight. That waistcoat is clearly newer than the jacket.

-Stop this! Just stop it! Did you make a list?!

-Of what?

Everything, Sherlock. Everything you've taken.

No, it's not that, he goes into a sort of trance. I've seen him do it.

PAPER FLUTTERS

We have an agreement, my brother and I, ever since that day.

GASPING

Wherever I find him,

whatever back alley or doss-house...

..there will always be a list.

He couldn't have taken all that in the last five minutes.

He was high before he got on the plane.

He didn't seem high.

Nobody deceives like an addict.

I'm not an addict, I'm a user.

I alleviate boredom and occasionally heighten my thought processes.

For God's sake! This could kill you!

-You could die!

-Controlled usage is not usually fatal

and abstinence is not immortality.

What are you doing?

Emelia Ricoletti, I'm looking her up.

Oh, I suppose we should.

I have access to the top level of the MI5 archive.

Yep, that's where I'm looking.

What do you think of MI5 security?

I think it would be a good idea.

Emelia Ricoletti, "unsolved", like he says.

Could you all just shut up for five minutes!

I have to go back.

I was nearly there before you stepped on and started yapping away!

"Yapping?" Sorry, did we interrupt your session?

Sherlock, listen to me.

No, it only encourages you.

-I'm not angry with you.

-Oh, that's a relief(!)

I was really worried... No, hold on,

I really wasn't.

I was there for you before.

I'll be there for you again.

I'll always be there for you.

This was my fault.

It was nothing to do with you.

-A week in a prison cell, I should have realised.

-Realised what?

That, in your case,

solitary confinement is locking you up with your worst enemy.

Oh, for God's sake!

Morphine or cocaine?

What did you say?

I didn't say anything.

No, you did, you said...

IN WATSON'S VOICE: 'Which is it today? Morphine or cocaine.'

'Holmes?'

Morphine or cocaine - which is it today?

-DOOR SLAMS

-Answer me, damn it!

SLUGGISHLY: Moriarty was here.

Moriarty's dead.

I was on a jet.

A what?

You were there, and Mycroft.

You haven't left these rooms, Holmes.

You...haven't...moved.

Now, tell me, morphine or cocaine?

Cocaine. A 7% solution.

-Would you care to try it?

-No.

But I would quite like to find every ounce of the stuff

in your possession and pour it out of the window.

I should be inclined to stop you.

Then you would be reminded, quite forcibly,

which of us is a soldier and which of us a drug addict.

You're not a soldier, you are a doctor.

I'm an army doctor,

which means I could break every bone in your body while naming them.

My dear Watson, you are allowing emotion to cloud your judgment.

Never on a case.

You promised me, never on a case.

-No, I just said that in one of your stories.

-Listen,

I'm happy to play the fool for you.

I will run along behind you like some halfwit,

making you look clever, if that's what you need.

But dear God above, you will hold yourself to a higher standard!

-Why?

-Because people need you to.

What people, why? Because of your idiot stories?

Yes, because of my "idiot stories".

-FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

-Mr Holmes!

Mr Holmes, telegram, Mr Holmes.

What is it? What's wrong?

-It's Mary.

-Mary? What about her?

-It's entirely possible she's in danger.

-Danger?

There's not a moment to lose.

Is this the cocaine talking?

What danger could Mary be in?

-I'm sure she's just visiting with friends.

-Come on!

What is happening?

Are you even in a fit state?

For Mary, of course. Never doubt that, Watson.

Never that.

-HOLMES GROANS

-Holmes?

I'm fine. I'm fine!

Not that one!

This one.

-Why?

-You're Sherlock Holmes. Wear the damn hat.

Cab! Cab!

So tell me, where is she?

You must tell me, what's going on?!

Oh, good old Watson(!)

How would we fill the time if you didn't ask questions?!

Sherlock, tell me where my bloody wife is, you pompous prick,

or I'll punch your lights out!

Holmes, where is she?

A de-sanctified church.

She thinks she's found the solution and, for no better reason than that,

she's put herself in the path of considerable danger.

What an excellent choice of wife.

What the devil?!

I've found them.

CHANTING

-What is all this, Mary?

-This is the heart of it all, John.

The heart of the conspiracy.

CHANTING CONTINUES

FIGURES CHANT IN LATIN

Great God, what is this place?

And what the devil are you doing here?!

I've been making enquiries.

Mr Holmes asked me.

Holmes, how could you?

No, not him, the clever one.

It seemed obvious to me that this business could not be managed alone.

My theory is that Mrs Ricoletti had help.

Help from her friends.

-Bravo, Mary. "The clever one?"

-I...

I thought I was losing you.

I thought perhaps we were...

-neglecting each other.

-Well, you're the one who moved out.

I was talking to Mary.

You're working for Mycroft?

He likes to keep an eye on his mad sibling.

And he had a spy to hand. Has it never occurred to you

-your wife is excessively skilled for a nurse?

-Of course it hasn't,

because he knows what a nurse is capable of.

-When did it occur to you?

-Only now, I'm afraid.

Must be difficult,

being the slow little brother.

Time I sped up. Enough chatter, let's concentrate.

Yes, all right. What's all this about?

-What do they want to accomplish?

-Why don't we go and find out.

CHANTING CONTINUES

GONG CRASHES

Sorry! I can never resist a gong.

-Or a touch of the dramatic.

-Never have guessed(!)

Though it seems you share my enthusiasm in that regard.

Excellent.

Superlative theatre.

I applaud the spectacle.

Emelia Ricoletti shot herself,

then apparently returned from the grave and killed her husband.

So...

how was it done?

Let's take the events in order.

Mrs Ricoletti gets everyone's attention in very efficient fashion.

You!

GUNFIRE CONTINUES

You?!

Or me?

She places one of the revolvers in her mouth,

while actually firing the other into the ground.

An accomplice sprays the curtains with blood

and thus her apparent suicide

is witnessed by the frightened crowd below.

A substitute corpse, bearing a strong resemblance to Mrs Ricoletti

takes her place and is later transported to the morgue,

a grubby little suicide of little interest to Scotland Yard.

Meanwhile, the real Mrs Ricoletti slips away.

Now comes the really clever part.

Mrs Ricoletti persuaded a cab driver, someone who knew her,