Episode 37 Pointless

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed.

Hello, I'm Alexander Armstrong, and welcome to Pointless,

the show that puts obscure knowledge to the test.

Let's meet today's players.

-And couple number one.

-Hi, I'm Arry.

And this is my best friend, Ash, and we're from Nuneaton.

-Couple number two.

-Hi, my name's Ian.

This is my partner, Linda. We're from Oxfordshire.

-Couple number three.

-Hi, my name's Carl.

This is my wife, Shani, and we're from Barnsley.

And finally, couple number four.

Hello, my name's Anne. This is my son Paul

and we are from Calderdale in West Yorkshire.

And these are today's contestants.

Thanks very much, all of you. A very warm welcome to the show.

We'll get to chat to each of you throughout the show

as it goes along.

So that just leaves one more person for me to introduce.

The proof is out there - here comes the Specs Files!

It's my Pointless friend, it's Richard.

Hiya. Hey, everybody.

Afternoon.

-Good afternoon to you.

-And to you.

Now, two returning pairs.

Shani and Carl, knocked out in the head-to-head last time.

And back on podium one -

on podium one last time as well - Arry and Ash,

the only contestants in history that if you swapped them round

and put a C in front of both of their names

-it would be advertising!

-CHUCKLES

-That's wholesale.

-Just give you a... I'll just give you a moment there.

LAUGHTER

-So it should be an absolute cracker today.

-It should be.

-It should be!

-It was a lovely one last time, wasn't it?

Wasn't it? I've already forgotten what happened to the jackpot.

-Oh, you're about to find out.

-Am I?

-Yeah, it's...

I'll tell you what, it's good news for people who like

previous contestants to have won the jackpot

and bad news for people who don't. I won't say any more than that.

OK. LAUGHTER

What can that mean?

Kay and Gareth won the jackpot - got it - last time,

so today's jackpot starts off back at £1,000.

There it is. Right, if everyone's ready, let's play Pointless.

Just to be absolutely plain,

the pair with the highest score at the end of each round

will be eliminated, so keep your scores low.

No conferring in the first two rounds.

Best of luck to all four pairs. Our first category this afternoon

is...

Politicians. Can you all decide in your pairs

who's going to go first, who's going to go second?

And whoever's going first, please step up to the podium.

OK, and our question concerns...

Prime Minister's Questions, Richard

We'll show you 16 pictures now of people who've taken part

in Prime Minister's Questions,

either as a Prime Minister or a Leader of the Opposition,

or someone standing in and acting for them.

So, 16 politicians. Can you name the most obscure of these, please?

OK, so we're going to put a picture of 16 politicians up on the board.

Now, that's not going to change halfway through the round.

That will remain up for the entire round, so, yes, no change.

Good luck with whoever's going to go second on podium one there.

Erm, and, yes, you just have to name the most obscure politician

on that picture. Let's reveal the picture. Here it comes.

There we go.

16 politicians.

Now, Ash, a warm welcome back to Pointless.

-Thank you.

-Remind us what you do, Ash.

I'm a delivery supervisor at a wholesaler.

And no-one's ever made the gag about you and Arry before?

-Not before the last show, no.

-Not before the last show?

-I can't believe that.

-I know. It's unbelievable, really.

I can't believe it. When you're not supervising deliveries

at the wholesale warehouse, what do you get up to, Ash?

I'm basically a sport enthusiast.

I've got a bad habit of getting up in the middle of the night

-to watch NBA basketball.

-That is a bad habit.

-Yeah.

You're not married, are you?

-No, not fit for work, no. Not married, no.

-That's fine,

-absolutely fine. So at work...

-I start at six in the morning,

so getting up's a bit of an arduous task, to be honest.

-But you're the guy with all the news.

-Yeah.

-You can tell everyone

-what's been going on while they were sleeping.

-Yeah.

Now, Ash... Politicians - always a popular round on Pointless.

I'm ashamed to say I've revised this topic. However,

the board's not been kind to me, so...

-It's a mean board.

-Yeah.

Erm, Jeremy Corbyn, I'm going to say.

Jeremy Corbyn, says Ash.

Let's see how many of our 100 people went for Jeremy Corbyn.

It's right.

35.

APPLAUSE

35 for Jeremy Corbyn.

Good start, Ash.

There he is on the far right, which seems a bit harsh.

LAUGHTER

There we go. Thanks very much indeed.

Ian, a warm welcome to Pointless.

-Thank you.

-Good to have you. From Oxfordshire?

-That's right, yes.

And what you do in Oxfordshire, Ian?

Well, I'm a software engineer by trade, but...

..I like scuba diving.

I'm a season-ticket holder at Reading Football Club.

My main interest is music, listening and going to gigs and so on.

Very good. Where do you do your scuba diving?

-Abroad these days.

-Abroad, yes.

-I learnt in this country but...

-Yes.

-..it's a bit too cold and dark for me.

-It's a bit murky and cold, isn't it, yeah?

-Yes, yeah.

-But abroad...

-Where is the most exotic place you've...dove?

-Probably Indonesia.

Wow. Nice clear waters there.

Lovely and clear. Lovely and warm.

Some really, really interesting, colourful creatures.

OK. Very good. Now, Ian... Politicians.

What would you like to go for?

Whom would you like to go for?

I think I know them all, though I'm not sure about one of them,

so I think I'll avoid her.

-I'll go for Margaret Beckett.

-Margaret Beckett, says Ian.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Margaret Beckett.

Down it goes to 23. Not bad at all.

Nice new low score there.

23 for Margaret Beckett.

Yeah, she was the acting leader of the Labour Party, Margaret Beckett.

Also the first-ever female Foreign Secretary.

Thank you very much. Now, Carl, welcome back.

-Hi.

-Welcome. Remind us of what you do, Carl, up in Barnsley.

-I work at a glass factory.

-That's right, a glass factory.

And what's your particular role in the glass factory?

I'm still training at the minute, but it's, like,

just getting used to different ways

of making glass bottles, glass containers...

Are there are some major brands that you know are made in your...?

-Oh, yeah, there's some biggies.

-Oh, that's exciting.

-You're holding it, but you know it's about to go off and...

-Yeah.

-..hit the big time...

-Yeah.

..containing maple syrup or something like that.

I don't know. Other syrups are available.

Carl, what are your hobbies?

I enjoy going to the gym, keeping fit.

-I try to go five, six times a week.

-Do you know? I know that,

because when I met Carl earlier and I slapped him on the shoulder...

Ow.

-Really?

-Rigid.

Yeah. Yeah, he said it.

He's got impressive delts.

Yeah, and on the shoulder as well! Really...

LAUGHTER

Carl... Politicians.

-Dream come true, isn't it?

-Worst subject ever.

I know some of the obvious ones.

I'll go for John Prescott.

John Prescott, says Carl.

Let's see how many of our 100 people went for John Prescott.

Well, it's right. 35 is our high score.

23 is our low...

Aha, 53.

APPLAUSE

53 for John Prescott.

That's interesting for Jeremy Corbyn, isn't it?

Well, Jeremy Corbyn and Margaret Beckett added together...

-Yeah.

-.. are roughly what John Prescott is.

There we are. Thank you very much indeed, Richard.

Now, Anne, welcome to Pointless. Good to have you here.

-What do you do, Anne?

-Erm, whatever I want now.

-I'm retired.

-See, that's the lovely answer, isn't it?

And what do you want?

Well, I'm trying desperately to write my memoirs,

which were slightly Fifty Shades but a little bit more colourful.

-Thanks, Mum(!)

-LAUGHTER

Wow. I'm trying to think how many shades of...

How many different colours we've got there.

That's, erm, an admission.

Erm... LAUGHTER

Please don't ask for details.

Erm, how extraordinary. How far have you got with the memoirs?

Erm, well, I've...completed a couple of chapters.

-Yes.

-Shall we just say, I've got the beginning and I've got the end

and I'm working on the in-between bit now?

How many chapters are you hoping for the whole thing to be?

-It depends how long I live, really.

-OK. Well...

Just write book one to start with and then, you know,

you can sequelise it.

I... I'm just going to ask Paul, is it very raunchy?

I... I couldn't... I wouldn't know.

OK. I-I'd probably keep it that way, I think, probably.

LAUGHTER Now, Anne... Politicians...

-There you are.

-Yes, it's not bad.

Erm...

I'm going to say Hilary Benn.

Hilary Benn, says Anne.

Hilary Benn. Let's see how far down the column we get with Hilary Benn.

There we are. Well, it's right.

23 is our low score at this point for Margaret Beckett.

Hilary Benn passes that down to 19. Very well done, Anne.

Well done.

Nicely done.

Good answer, Anne. He's stood in for Jeremy Corbyn on occasion.

-Tony Benn's son.

-There we are. Thank you, Richard.

We're halfway through the round. Let's take a look at those scores.

19, the best score of the pass, Anne. Very well done.

Anne and Paul looking strong on the back of that.

Then up to 23, not too far, where we find Ian and Linda.

Up to 35, Ash and Arry.

And then Carl and Shani, there you are at 53.

Shani, we can't say goodbye.

You were head-to-headers last time, for goodness' sake.

We cannot say goodbye at the end of the first round.

We need a low score from you. Good luck with that.

We're going to come back down the line now.

Can the second players please step up to the podium?

So, Paul, welcome to Pointless.

-Thank you.

-Great to have you here, Paul.

-What do you do?

-I'm a freelance project manager

in the banking and finance industry.

I see. And what sort of projects are they that you manage?

I tend to specialise in, sort of, risk projects or HR projects,

-things like that.

-I see, I see.

What are your interests outside the world of project management?

Recently discovered a love for ballet and opera,

so my wife has started... My wife and I have started going to that.

-How did you discover something like that?

-It was one of those things

-that we'd always wanted to do and never got round to it.

-Yeah.

-It was our 20th wedding anniversary...

-How nice.

..a couple of years ago and I booked a trip down to the Royal Opera House

-in Covent Garden...

-Wonderful.

-..to see a ballet.

And really enjoyed it.

-Beautiful.

-And...

-Is it the music you think you like,

or is it the combination of the, sort of, the grace...?

-Yeah, just a combination of everything, really.

-Good for you.

-Both the ballet and the opera, so...

-Yeah, wonderful thing to enjoy.

Now, there you are. You're on 19.

If you can happen to score 33 or less,

you're through to the next round,

no questions asked, Paul.

It's probably not going to happen.

I was a bit concerned when Politicians came up,

but I recognise a few faces, so I'm going to go for Iain Duncan Smith.

Iain Duncan Smith, says Paul.

Here is your red line.

If you get below that red line with IDS,

you are through to the next round.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Iain Duncan Smith.

Oh, you needed 33, you got 33!

That takes your total up to 52

and you are through to the next round. Very well done indeed.

Strong playing on that last podium.

Yeah, he was the leader of the Conservatives for a couple of years.

Thank you very much indeed.

-Now, Shani.

-Hello.

-Shani, welcome back.

-Thank you.

-Remind us what you do, Shani.

I work part-time as a therapy assistant,

but I'm also studying part-time to become an occupational therapist.

Right you are. And what are your hobbies, Shani?

Erm, I like going to the gym as well.

Going spinning, spinning classes.

And then we also like going to the cinema a lot

and walking our dogs as well. I've got two Jack Russells.

-Very good. How old are your Jack Russells?

-Four.

-Aw, are they related?

-Yeah, brothers.

-Very nice.

-What sort of age did you get them? Tiny little puppies?

-Yeah, tiny.

-Yeah.

-Aw, very nice indeed.

Now, Shani, you're on 53.

You are the high-scorers at this point.

-Yeah.

-You didn't look best pleased...

-No, not at all.

-..with this round. Oh, I'm sorry.

It's all right. And I think I know a few, but I've got a name in my head,

and I don't know what this person looks like,

-but I'm just going to go with it.

-Throw it out there.

-Let's see if it sticks.

-Theresa May.

-Theresa May, says Shani.

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER Let's see if it sticks.

-Fingers crossed.

-Theresa May.

How many of our 100 people said Theresa May?

There's no red line, as you're the high-scorers,

but how far down the column will we get with Theresa May?

Is it right, is the crucial question?

-Oh!

-Oh, I'm sorry, Shani.

Not Theresa May.

That takes your total up to 153.

-I'm so sorry.

-Yeah, Theresa May not, I'm afraid.

LAUGHTER No.

Now, Linda, welcome to Pointless. Good to have you here.

-Thank you.

-And what do you do?

I'm a freelancer and I do marketing and advertising sales

-for academic publishers.

-Are you based in Oxford?

Well, I work from home a lot of the time,

but I go onto customer sites and work for them directly

-if that's what they want, yeah.

-I see.

Obviously, there's a very famous publisher of academic books

-based in Oxford, isn't there?

-Yes, there is.

-Do you do a lot of stuff for them?

-One of my best customers.

There we are. Very good. And what excites you outside of work?

Well, my favourite thing at the moment is painting naked people,

but I also run a book club

and I like photography as well.

Let me just clear this up. You...

LAUGHTER They...they...

They're over there and you paint them on paper,

or do you go over and paint on them?

I think they might hit me if I went over and painted on them.

No, but I ask because there is also painting naked people.

If you do body painting, it tends to be naked people.

No, I know this.

-Go on.

-I don't know anything about that.

I have been body-painted.

-Yeah.

-Really?

-Yep. I have.

-When did this happen?

I see you a lot, and I haven't noticed.

I'm not actually wearing clothes right now, Richard!

LAUGHTER

That is so impressive.

-I know.

-That is very, very good.

This is all painted on.

Wow. Quite hot lights here.

-Yep.

-Hope it's not going to melt.

You'll notice this is why I never rub myself.

-Who body-painted you?

-Well, there were three people who did it.

What?! This is like something from Anne's memoirs!

Yeah. LAUGHTER

Yeah. Very exciting.

Now, Linda, you're on 23. Doesn't matter what you score,

you're through to the next round, whatever happens.

OK, well, I think I'll go for Michael Howard.

Michael Howard, says Linda. There's no red line. You're already through.

Let's see how many of our 100 said Michael Howard.

Wow. Look at that! Down to 11.

That is the lowest score

of the round so far, Linda.

Very impressive indeed.

Takes your total up to 34, the lowest total of the round.

Very good answer. He was leader of the Conservatives

-after Iain Duncan Smith.

-Thank you very much, Richard.

Now then, Arry.

Arry, you've been very patient. You've been watching

while all of your answers have been stolen by other people.

-Of course.

-Not a murmur of complaint from you, for which I commend you.

Arry, welcome to the show again.

Remind us what you do.

I'm a field sales executive.

Field sales?

-Yes.

-Any good fields you've sold recently?

Plenty. I don't know, I can't really choose one.

-Pastures, meadowland, sward...

-Everywhere.

-The lot.

Arry, what do you do for fun?

What amuses you outside of work?

Big sports fan. Football fan.

West Brom fan. Also...

..enjoy techno. If you know anything about that, Alexander?

-I'm sure you do. Mr Techno.

-I am Captain Techno(!)

As I'm sure is well known. Yeah, I know...

There's a lot I know about that.

Yeah...

Do you make techno yourself, or do you...?

-No, listen and live it.

-Live it. Live techno.

Just live it.

-That's good.

-It's like Meccano.

Yeah.

-Oh, I see!

-Yeah.

-Ah, yes.

-Very good indeed. But not a DJ?

-No.

A DJ of techno?

Arry, politics. Let's bring it back to the game.

Good news - you're through to the next round.

-Very good news.

-Hm.

Just going to go with a safe answer. George Osborne.

George Osborne, says Arry.

Just like that. No red line for you. You're already through.

But let's see how many of our 100 people said George Osborne.

It's right.

26 for George Osborne...

APPLAUSE

..taking your total up to 61. Through you go.

-That's a low score for George Osborne.

-Isn't it?

Let's go through the rest of these.

Starting from the top left, William Hague. 56 points.

Then Hilary Benn. Then...?

-Jack Straw.

-Jack Straw is 35.

-Tessa Jowell.

-It's Harriet Harman.

-Oh, Harriet Harman!

-Yeah.

-Oh, my goodness!

21 points for Harriet Harman, top right there.

Now, next to Margaret Beckett, do you know this gentleman?

Um... Um...

David Cameron is the guy's name.

-Yes, yes.

-83 points for David Cameron.

-Well done, 17 of you.

-LAUGHTER

Now, the best answer on the board -

again, has stood in for Jeremy Corbyn...

-Angela Eagle.

-Angela Eagle, yes. 3 points for her.

Then there's Prescott.

Next row down, John Major - 65.

Margaret Thatcher scoring less than David Cameron - 81.

Tony Blair scoring less than Margaret Thatcher - 71.

And bottom row, the only one we haven't had, bottom left.

-Nick Clegg.

-Nick Clegg, who would have scored 39.

Do you know, that looks like a sort of still from

-The Bourne Identity or something, doesn't it?

-The Nick Clegg one?

The scenery is changing very fast behind him.

-It is a still from The Bourne Identity.

-I see.

-He's in that.

-He plays an operative.

-He does?

His entire role in the coalition

was deep cover for his role in that film.

-That's right.

-He was never really a politician.

-No.

-Amazing, isn't it?

-Yeah, amazing.

-Actually, he's Tom Hiddleston.

-LAUGHTER

-Ah!

-With prosthetics.

Golly. When you look really hard, you still can't see it, can you?

It's amazing. LAUGHTER

Incredible. Thank you very much indeed, Richard.

So, at the end of our first round,

the pair who are heading home with their high score of 153,

I'm so sorry, Shani and Carl - back to Barnsley after only one round.

I'm sorry we gave you Politicians.

-It just happens from time to time.

-Yeah.

But we have to say goodbye. Thank you so much for playing.

-Shani and Carl.

-Thank you.

APPLAUSE

But for the remaining three pairs, it's now time for Round Two.

And so, suddenly, we're down to three pairs. Hats off to all of you.

Not an incorrect answer from our remaining contestants,

and a Politicians round. That's rare. That is rare.

And, Linda, very well done.

Our lowest score of the round there with Michael Howard.

Best of luck to all three pairs.

Our category for Round Two this afternoon is...

It's Fiction. Can you all decide in your pairs who's going to go first,

-who's going to go second?

-I'll go first.

And whoever's going first, please step up to the podium.

OK. And the question concerns...

Novels In Haiku, Richard.

On each board, we're going to give you six clues to the names

of famous novels. You just have to tell us what the novels are, please.

All those clues are in the form of haikus,

which is a poem of five syllables, seven syllables, five syllables.

That's just to entertain ourselves.

And it will. LAUGHTER

Let's reveal our first board of six haikus.

And here they are. We have got...

I'll read those again.

There we are. Ash.

Er, it's not my strongest...

..topic, to be honest,

but there are two that I could probably just go with,

just to get scores on the board.

-Good.

-So, I'm going to say

Lord Of The Rings.

For?

-Number three.

-Number three.

Lord Of The Rings.

OK, let's see if that's right.

Let's see how many of our 100 people went for Lord Of The Rings.

No. I'm afraid, Ash, not Lord Of The Rings.

Scores you 100 points.

Yeah, sorry, Ash, I'll give you all the correct answers

at the end of the pass.

Thanks very much indeed. Now, Linda.

-Hm.

-Linda. That takes the pressure off a little bit.

Yeah. So I think I'm going to go for a safer one

than I was thinking of going for. I'm going to go for the bottom one,

and say Pride And Prejudice.

Pride And Prejudice, says Linda.

Let's see if that's right. Let's see how many of our 100 people said

Pride And Prejudice for Lizzie and Darcy.

It's right.

33.

33 for Pride And Prejudice.

Yeah, it was originally going to be called First Impressions,

but the publisher turned down the first draft, so she changed it.

-Hm.

-It's a good title, Pride And Prejudice.

-It's good. Much better -

Pride And Prejudice.

First Impressions sounds like a sitcom from 1984.

-Doesn't it?

-It does a little bit, yeah.

There we are. Thank you very much indeed. OK, now, then.

Anne, this board is all yours.

Would you like to go through it and fill in all our blanks?

I take it the first one is Harry Potter.

The second one, I'm not sure.

I think it could be Metropolis.

I think the next one is The Hobbit.

I don't know what the Lyra Belacqua is,

but I think Tolstoy is

War And Peace, so that's the one I'm going for,

-War And Peace.

-OK, War And Peace, says Anne.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said War And Peace.

64 for War And Peace.

APPLAUSE

Yeah, the biggest scorer up there, War And Peace.

The Hobbit would have been a slightly better answer.

It is The Hobbit, of course. That would have scored you 45 points.

Lord Of The Rings not published until 1954.

The young boy... It is a low-scorer, this,

because you need the full title, obviously.

That happened in the first book, which is...

Which is Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone?

Harry Potter And The Philosopher's Stone.

That would have scored 9.

Set in the world state - that is Aldous Huxley's...

-Brave New World.

-Brave New World.

Best answer on the board. 2 points for that.

And the Lyra Belacqua is...

See, I'm struggling with what the actual name is.

His Dark Materials?

That's the trilogy, but it's the first one in that.

-By Philip Pullman.

-Yeah.

-Something Tower?

-Northern Lights.

-Northern...

-There we are.

-Of course it's Northern Lights.

-10 points for that.

Very well done if you said Brave New World, especially.

Terrific answer.

Thank you very much indeed. We're halfway through the round.

Let's take a look at those scores. 33 the best score of the pass.

Very well done indeed, Linda.

Linda and Ian I think can be sure of a place in the head-to-head,

as, I would hazard a guess, can Anne and Paul.

Now, Ash and Arry, you're way ahead there.

Arry, we're going to need a nice low score from you in the next pass to

keep you in the game, so good luck with that.

We're going to come back down the line. Can the second players step up to the podium?

OK, let's put six more haikus up on the board, and here they are.

We've got...

I'll read those one last time.

There we are.

Now, Paul... On 64, so 35 or less keeps you in the game.

I'm not sure if it's going to get that low,

but I think the telekinesis, the fourth one down,

-is Matilda.

-Matilda, says Paul.

Here is your red line.

If you can get below that red line with Matilda,

you are in the head-to-head for sure.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Matilda.

It's right.

You've done it. Look at that. 34.

You needed 35. 34 you've got.

98 is your total.

Sailing through. The last of his long children's books, Matilda.

-It's a great story.

-A wonderful story.

I would have thought it was earlier than that. It's funny, isn't it?

-Isn't that funny?

-'88?

-Yeah, I know. Completely missed us.

I wish we'd had that to grow up to.

-That would've been nice, wouldn't it?

-Wouldn't it have been nice?

-It's almost worth having more kids.

-Yeah. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Now, Ian, on 33.

66 is your target.

I think I'll just go for the bottom one,

and that is Catcher In The Rye.

Catcher In The Rye, says Ian.

Let's see if that's right for Holden Caulfield.

Here is your red line. Get below that,

you're definitely into the head-to-head.

How many people said Catcher In The Rye?

Very well done. Through you go.

8.

An impressive low score there,

taking your total up to 41.

I do love The Catcher In The Rye.

-Yeah.

-65 million books sold.

Still sells quarter of a million a year.

-That's quite something.

-That'll do.

-Still speaks to every new generation.

There we are. Thanks very much, Richard.

Now, Arry... I'm afraid the writing

is on the podium. But...

Do you fancy just

walking us through the board, seeing if you can fill any answers in?

I wish I could, but I only know one, which is the boys on an island.

-Lord Of The Flies.

-Lord Of The Flies, says Arry.

No red line for you, I'm afraid, as you are already our high-scorers.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Lord Of The Flies.

41 for Lord Of The Flies,

taking your total up to 141.

Yeah, nice way to leave us, Arry.

Well played. Let's fill in the rest of these, shall we?

Do you want to fill in these?

Yeah, I think I can do all of that.

OK, Mr Rochester.

-That is Jane Eyre.

-Jane Eyre. 29 points.

-The Beat novel?

-On The Road.

Yep. And that's 14.

And the shipwrecked sailor?

-Robinson Crusoe.

-Yep. And that would have scored 59.

So the best answer is The Catcher In The Rye. Well done if you said that.

There we are. Thank you very much. So, at the end of our second round,

the pair we have to say goodbye to, with a high score of 141,

Arry and Ash. I'm afraid it's you, our last returning pair.

I'm sorry this is the end of the road,

but it's been great having you here. Thank you very much for playing.

Arry and Ash.

APPLAUSE

But for the remaining two pairs, it's now time for our head-to-head.

Congratulations, Ian and Linda, Anne and Paul.

You're now one step closer to the final and a chance to play for our jackpot,

which currently stands at £1,000. There we are.

Well, we have reached the head-to-head,

which means you are now allowed to confer before you give your answers.

First pair to win two questions will be playing for that jackpot.

I mean, very well done. We've got our naked painters

versus our raunchy novelists. LAUGHTER

What about that? A lot of steam coming off this head-to-head, I'll say.

But you've seen off our two returning pairs, so, yes,

both of you, forces to be reckoned with.

I think this should be very close.

Best of luck. Let's play the head-to-head.

Here is your first question.

And it concerns...

-Arts And Crafts. Richard.

-We're going to show you the names

now of five different types of art or craft,

but we're going to show you them in anagram form.

Can you tell us what they are, please?

OK, thanks very much indeed. Let's reveal our five anagrams.

And here they come.

We have got...

Now then, Ian and Linda,

you've been our low-scorers up to this point, so you will go first.

-Not seeing anything there.

-Well...

Top one is sewing, but that's too easy.

Not seeing anything.

SHE WHISPERS

I think we're going to have to go for that.

We're both really bad at anagrams.

We were hoping not to get anagrams.

So we can only see the top one, which is sewing.

OK. Sewing, say Ian and Linda.

Now then, Anne and Paul, can you talk us through the rest?

Um, yes, the second one - embroidery.

And the bottom one is pottery.

Struggling with the other two.

-Embroidery.

-Embroidery.

-OK, you're going to go for embroidery.

So we have sewing and embroidery. Ian and Linda said sewing.

Let's see how many of our 100 people got sewing.

72 for sewing.

And Anne and Paul have gone for embroidery for the second one down.

Let's see if that's right. Let's see how many of our 100 people got that.

It's right.

And it wins you the point.

Good answer. 29.

Very well done indeed, Anne and Paul.

After one question, you're up 1-0.

Yeah, three and four are the harder ones there. The one at the bottom,

you're right, is pottery. It looks like it's "poetry", doesn't it?

Pottery. 38 points for that.

-How are you on these other two?

-Not good.

-Cluster up is an art

-rather than a craft.

-Got it. Sculpture.

-Sculpture.

-There we go.

-And that would have scored you 9 points.

This other one is a pointless answer.

Anybody in the audience?

-WOMAN:

-Needlepoint.

-Needlepoint is exactly the right answer.

-ALL EXCLAIM

Very well done if you got that at home.

-Very good indeed.

-That's infuriating, isn't it?

-Yeah, isn't it?

-Oh.

-Oh. There we are. Thank you very much.

So, here comes your second question.

Now, Ian and Linda, Anne and Paul get to answer this one first,

but you have to win this one to stay in the game.

So very, very best of luck.

Our second question today is all about...

Game Birds & Waterfowl, Richard.

We're going to show you five pictures now of game birds

and waterfowl you might find in the UK.

We'd like you to give us their names, please.

OK, let's reveal our five birds. And here they come.

We've got...

There we are.

Five game birds and waterfowl.

There we go.

Now, Paul and Anne, you will go first.

Which one do you think?

B?

Um, we'll go with B

and say golden plover.

Golden plover, say Anne and Paul. Golden plover.

Now then, Ian and Linda,

the rest of those game birds and waterfowl are all yours.

Do you want to talk us through them?

A is a coot.

C, I think, is a common snipe.

D is a Canada goose.

Is E a red-legged partridge?

So I think I'll go with E, a red-legged partridge.

Red-legged partridge, say Ian and Linda.

So we have golden plover and red-legged partridge.

Anne and Paul, golden plover.

Let's see how many of our 100 people got that for B.

Look at that. Very well done indeed.

16.

Now, Ian and Linda, meanwhile,

have gone for the red-legged partridge for E.

Let's see if that's right,

let's see how many of our 100 people got that.

It's right.

37.

So very well done, Paul and Anne,

because that means that after only two questions,

-you are straight through to the final, 2-0.

-Well done.

Very well played. I think both teams knew all of those.

Very impressive knowledge. Nothing you could have done.

The golden plover is the best answer up there.

I always, on these rounds, I try and see what letters fit into that,

and I thought it was a gilded plover.

Can you imagine the fool I'd have made of myself?

Oh, yes. The furore that would follow!

I love plovers, golden plovers.

-They're very rare now.

-Are they?

-They're ground nesters, you see.

Why would you be a ground nester?

-I mean, why would you?

-You know?

-I would... If I was a plover...

-Yeah.

-..I'd say, "Do you know what?

"It's nice, the ground, but look, everybody else is up in trees."

-"Do it. A tree."

-"Everybody."

Then the other one would go, "How do we get up there?"

And you think, "Um...

-"Hello?"

-Yeah.

-They fly, right?

Yeah.

-Now, A is coot.

-Hm.

64.

That's a mean-looking stare, that, isn't it?

-Yeah, he's furious about something, isn't he?

-They never blink.

Do they not?

-I don't know.

-I bet they do...

-I don't think they do.

-I've never seen one blink.

-I bet they do when you look away.

If you look away, they go, "Oh!"

-And they look at you again.

-Yeah.

And at night, all you can see is their red eyes.

-Oh, really? That's not a coot. That's an assassin.

-Oh, sorry, yes.

You're right. You're absolutely right. Yeah.

64 for coot.

The common snipe.

That's a bit of a mean name, isn't it?

That would have scored you 30.

Canada goose, of course, the biggest scorer, the Canada goose.

84. Canada geese can travel

over 1,500 miles in a day.

You know they do that V formation?

If there's favourable wind,

over 1,500 miles in 24 hours.

Wow.

Thank you very much indeed, Richard.

So, the pair leaving us at the end of our head-to-head round,

I'm afraid it's Ian and Linda.

Our low-scoring pair coming into the head-to-head.

There is a silver lining to this cloud,

and I can tell you that we will see you again next time.

Otherwise, it would all have been far too brief

for you to have wandered into the final, never to be seen again.

Obviously, in real life, you would be, but just in Pointless terms.

We'll see you again. We'll look forward to that very much.

In the meantime, thanks very much, Ian and Linda.

APPLAUSE

But for Anne and Paul, it's now time for our Pointless final.

Congratulations, Anne and Paul.

You have fought off all the competition,

-and you have won our coveted Pointless trophy.

-Yes!

You now have a chance to win our Pointless jackpot.

At the end of today's show, the jackpot is standing at £1,000.

Well, only one appearance on the show, but what an appearance!

You've gone through the show like a knife through butter,

and we've thrown Politicians at you, which is never easy, never nice.

We've thrown Books In Haiku form.

We've thrown Arts And Crafts,

and we've thrown Game Birds & Waterfowl at you.

And here you are, 2-0 in the head-to-head, no argument with that.

Looking like strong contenders, I would say, for that jackpot.

What would you particularly like to see come up in this last round?

I know what I'd like not to see.

-Go on, let's hear it.

-Celebrity culture,

recent pop music.

Oh! Recent... Oh, the bane of our life!

Yes, OK. You can dodge that. There might be some of that up there,

but there'll be four things for you to choose from.

Anything you would like to see, Anne?

Yeah, Premier League football managers.

You continue to surprise me, Anne.

LAUGHTER

And me!

Fantastic. OK, well, as always,

you get to choose your category from the four we put up there.

Let's see what today's selection looks like.

We've got...

-I know nothing about US crime writers.

-No.

-Podium Finishers?

-Southern Geography?

-Yeah.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Southern Geography.

-Southern Geography it is. Richard.

-OK, very best of luck.

Three questions here. We are looking for any of the following, please.

We are looking for any of the 12 London boroughs

that are wholly or partly south of the River Thames.

We are looking for the capital cities

of any of the nine South African provinces,

or we are looking for the capital cities, the official capital cities,

of any of the 12 nations

that make up the Union of South American Nations, please.

So, South London Boroughs,

Capital Cities Of South African Provinces,

or Capital Cities Of The Union Of South American Nations.

-Very best of luck.

-Thanks very much indeed.

Now, as always, you've got up to one minute

to come up with three answers,

and all you need to win that jackpot is for just one of those answers to be pointless.

Are you ready?

-Yes.

-Yeah.

-OK, let's put 60 seconds up on the clock.

There they are. Your time starts now.

-London geography?

-I don't know...

Right, OK, forget that one.

-Capital cities...

-Pretoria.

-Jo'burg.

Soweto?

South America.... So, Buenos Aires.

-Capital city.

-Rio.

Brasilia.

-Lima.

-Lima, yeah.

Santiago.

What's the capital of Venezuela?

-No?

-Caracas. Caracas.

So, for South Africa, we could go...

-Sowe...

-Soweto.

Yeah. Capital, South African, I think we'll go Soweto.

Soweto, yeah.

-South America...

-Go for Lima?

-And Caracas?

-Yeah.

-Yeah. OK.

-OK? You've landed on your answers?

Well, we'll stop the clock there. Let's have those three answers.

If you can you say which category you're answering,

-that'd be great.

-Right.

Capital Cities Of South African Provinces, we're going to go Soweto.

-Soweto.

-Yeah.

Union Of South American Nations, we're going to go Caracas.

-Caracas.

-And...

-Lima.

-Lima.

And Lima. Of those three, your best shot at a pointless answer?

-Which do you think?

-Soweto.

-Soweto we will put last.

Least likely to be pointless?

-Lima?

-Lima.

-Lima.

-Lima.

OK, well, let's pop those answers up on the board in that order, then.

And here they are. We have got...

Now, three answers on the board there.

Any one of those could easily be pointless.

If you were to win that jackpot, what would you do with the money?

Easy. Family party.

-Yeah.

-A family party.

Yeah, that'd be fun. Have you got an idea when you might have it?

Just so we can check our diaries...

Yeah, yeah. June.

-June. Lovely. Very nice indeed.

-Barbecue weather.

-Oh! That would be fabulous.

-Prosecco, you know.

-Oh!

-Perfect.

-Not at my house, this time.

-My mouth is now watering.

OK. So, in the first instance, you have gone for Lima.

We were looking for capital cities

of the Union of South American Nations.

If this turns out to be pointless,

you will have won yourselves £1,000.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Lima.

Is it pointless?

It's right.

Now then, if Lima takes us all the way down to zero,

you will leave here with £1,000.

Down it goes. Through the 40s, into the 30s.

Down into the 20s.

Still going down. 21 for Lima.

APPLAUSE

I just thought that was going to go all the way down, for some reason.

Anyway, there we are. 21, not a bad score.

Sadly, not a pointless answer there.

You only have two more shots at today's jackpot.

Your next answer was Caracas.

Once again, we're looking for capital cities of

the Union of South American Nations.

If this is pointless, it will win you £1,000.

Let's see how many of our 100 people went for Caracas.

It's right.

Lima took us down to 21.

Caracas now takes us down through the 30s,

into the 20s, passes 21, through the teens,

into single figures, down it goes, still going down...

4! Ooh, that's more like it.

APPLAUSE

Brilliant score. 4 is wonderful.

Caracas was a great answer.

Again, though, annoyingly, in this round,

we're only interested in pointless answers,

which means you only have one more chance to win today's jackpot.

Your last answer, the one you thought was your best shot

at a pointless answer, was Soweto.

In this case, we were looking for the capital cities

of South African provinces. You've said Soweto.

It has to be right, then it has to be pointless.

If it's both of those things, you will have won yourselves £1,000.

Let's see how many of our 100 people said Soweto.

Oh!

AUDIENCE GROANS

Bad luck.

APPLAUSE

Bad luck. I'm afraid Soweto, an incorrect answer, which means,

very, very close though you came with Caracas,

you haven't managed to find that all-important pointless answer,

so I'm afraid you don't win today's jackpot of £1,000.

That rolls over on to the next show.

But you can be so proud of your performance.

Brilliant performance right across the show. 2-0 in the head-to-head.

No arguing with that.

-And you get to take home a Pointless trophy.

-Yes!

So very, very well done indeed. It's been wonderful having you on.

Anne and Paul, brilliant!

Yeah, Soweto not a city, I'm afraid. It adjoins Johannesburg.

Southwest Township is where it gets its name from.

Let's take a look now at the pointless answers

that would have won you that jackpot.

We will start with South London boroughs.

Only two pointless answers here, but lots of people know Kingston.

Sutton, also a pointless answer.

Bexley would have scored you 1. Merton would have scored you 2.

Southwark - the biggest scorer there.

Now, these South African provinces, the capitals of.

Bhisho, which is Eastern Cape.

Kimberley, which is the diamond centre.

That's the capital of the Northern Cape.

Mahikeng, Mbombela.

You also could have had Polokwane,

which is the capital of the Limpopo province.

It's just an excuse for me to say Limpopo.

-It's quite fun.

-LAUGHTER

And on to these capitals. Only one pointless answer in this,

which is Georgetown, which is the capital of Guyana.

Very well done if you said that. Georgetown is on the Demerara River,

which is where the sugar gets its name from.

Sweet, isn't it? Literally a sweet. I didn't mean it like that.

Honestly, I can't help myself sometimes.

Just to give you the other answers,

Brasilia was the biggest scorer, then Lima, Buenos Aires,

and then the better scorers -

Santiago, 9, Bogota, 7,

Quito, 5, La Paz 3,

Asuncion, which is Paraguay, that would have scored you 2.

Paramaribo, which is Suriname, would have scored you 1 point.

Sucre, which is the other capital of Bolivia, would have scored you 1.

And Montevideo, which is Uruguay, also would have scored you 1.

So, some annoying 1-point answers there.

-Hm.

-But very well done if you got any pointless answers at home.

Terrific work. Unless you live in Kingston or Sutton, in which case,

-you should have got one!

-Thank you very much indeed, Richard.

Well, very sadly, Anne and Paul didn't win the jackpot today,

which means it rolls over onto the next show,

when we will be playing for £2,000.

Join us then, see if someone can win it.

Meanwhile, it's goodbye from Richard...

-Goodbye.

-And it's goodbye from me. Goodbye.