26/12/1959 The Good Old Days

HORSE AND CART TROT PAST

ORCHESTRA PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE

TUNE OF GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN

CROWD SINGS ALONG

TUNE OF GOOD KING WENCESLAS

TUNE OF THE FIRST NOEL

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Once again, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

And may I add my congratulations to yours to Mr Alan Ainsworth

for his arduous endeavours with the boys and

that positively frenetic flourish of his frenzied little weapons.

CROWD WHOOPS

In the festive interlude, we celebrate, ladies and gentlemen...

Yes, madam. There you are.

Now, isn't that nice? That's charming.

And you, my darling. There.

We celebrate tonight, and already I have a little gift,

we celebrate the Feast of Stephen.

And tonight we have a particular celebrant, an anniversary

celebrant with us, whom I'm sure you will wish to cheer.

Ken Frith, ladies and gentlemen, our pianist tonight,

celebrates his birthday.

Ken!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-CROWD SING:

-# Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Ken

# Happy birthday to you. #

And now, ladies and...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

I hope that goes for those among you tonight who also are

celebrating anniversaries of one kind or another.

Ladies and gentlemen,

tonight we open the second part of our programme with the return

to this hall, to this programme,

of two artistes who have delighted us in the past with their...

with, ladies and gentlemen, their scintillant synthesis of...

CROWD WHOOPS

..of simultaneous synchronisation.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Manton Brothers!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA STARTS UP

THEY TAP DANCE

THEY TAP DANCE

-CROWD SING:

-# I know she likes me, I know she likes me

# Because she says so

# She is my lily of Laguna

# She is my lily and my rose. #

THEY TAP DANCE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I promise you, ladies and gentlemen,

for the warmth of your applause, that you will have

the Manton Brothers once again later on in the programme.

I should like to say to the lady in the enchanting

broderie Anglaise chapeau...

I don't mean that that's... CROWD MURMURS

I don't mean that that's ALL she's wearing!

..that the boys are maybe not brothers, but from the same stable.

LAUGHTER

You notice that even the gleam on the teeth synchronises.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

I have very much pleasure in introducing to this programme

in a positive fanfaronade of fun and frolic

from the lunatic fringe - Smoothey and Layton!

APPLAUSE

# I don't mind being here alone

# As long as I'm alone with you

# You're the kind I've tried hard to find

# You've made all my dreams come true... #

VOICE BREAKS

Ooh.

LAUGHTER

Oh, ladies and gents, I'm terribly sorry.

I do sincerely hope you'll forgive me.

Goodness knows what it was, but I must admit to you that I am feeling

a little nervous, a little excited, a little carried away this evening.

There is, of course, a very good reason for this, and...

MAN SHOUTS OUT LAUGHTER

Bless you, sir.

There is a good reason for this, and everybody backstage,

all the boys and girls in the show, have dared me

to come out and let you wonderful people into the secret.

Well, it's purely and simply this - that just a few moments ago,

Mr McPaulson, our manager,

rushed around the back to inform me that they received

a message to the effect that my wife, bless her heart,

has presented me with a bundle of joy.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

The laundry came back.

Thank you, maestro, and good e...

You should have seen your faces!

Especially Auntie Fanny down there!

-Smoothey, what are you doing here?

-Hello.

-Hello indeed.

Well, I just popped...

-Oh, dear.

-What?

-I just popped out to sing a song,

and tell all these nice people about the wife.

-Have you told them?

-Yes, yes.

-Well, just pop back again.

-Yes, sir.

Ladies and gentlemen, in my capacity as professor of music,

-I would like...

-Just a moment, just a moment.

-Sir, did you say you were a professor?

-Indeed, I did, yes.

Oh, good, well, look, professor - mummy bear had a baby bear,

but baby bear had no hair.

-What did they call him?

-What did they call him?

Fred Bear.

LAUGHTER

-If I can just have your indulgence...

-I said...

-The whole...

-Two bishops going to bed. Which one wears a nightdress?

I don't know.

Mrs Bishop, silly.

-Disregarding the...

-I...

What is the matter?

Do you know, I don't know?

-No...

-LAUGHTER

No, honestly, I don't know.

But it don't half hurt.

-Passing swiftly on...

-Ah, sir, before you pass on, erm, what...?

LAUGHTER

What's the difference between a cemetery and a bathroom?

What is the difference between a cemetery and a bathroom?

Nothing. When you've got to go, you've got to go.

I thank you for your indulgence, ladies and gentlemen.

We'll pass swiftly on to something which I feel...

The ma... The manager said if I behave meself this evening,

I could do me Shakespeare bit.

-Shakespeare bit?

-Yes, sir.

-What do you know about Shakespeare?

He's dead.

-You really want to do some Shakespeare?

-Yes, sir.

-Sir Laurence.

-Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, on this rather auspicious occasion,

I would like to do Richard III.

SCATTERED CHEERS

Did my ears deceive me, or did I hear sniggering among you?

Why do you snigger?

I was informed, on very good authority, you appreciated the arts.

Richard III.

Best of luck.

He sat...

He sat in the sheltered seat one night, upon a cigarette, alight.

-Shakespeare?

-Burns.

-Thank you again for your patience.

-Hey, just a minute.

We'll swing into my first number now...

Sir, sir, where did you get that from? Give us a go.

"Give us a go"? What do you know about music?

My neighbour, Mrs Stanthorpe, plays the fiddle and the flute.

BLOWS RASPBERRY

Plays the what?

-The fiddle and the flute.

-BLOWS RASPBERRY

Well, who wants to hear the fiddle and the flute?

BLOWS WEAK RASPBERRY

The fiddle and the flute what?

BLOWS WEAK RASPBERRY

Do you mean to tell me a man of your position can't...?

BLOWS RASPBERRY

-I possibly could, if I forced myself.

-Ooh, no, professor, please.

-Professor.

-What?

-What's the difference between...

-BLOWS ONE RASPBERRY

-..and...?

-BLOWS TWO RASPBERRIES

-I have no idea.

BLOWS RASPBERRY

Thank you again for your forbearance. My first number is...

Give me a go of your thing.

-"Give me a go of your thing".

-Your shiny thing.

If it is this to which you are referring,

what you should say is, "Excuse me", old boy.

What have you done?

-I haven't done anything.

-Oh.

-I am teaching you to enunciate.

-Is it painful?

-Yes.

-No!

-Well, give me a go of your thing, then.

-All right, take it, have a go.

-Thank you.

-Where's the other bit?

-Other bit? What other bit?

-The other part.

-What other part?

Ladies and gentlemen, a professor, and he says, "What other part?"

The bow.

You don't need a bow with that instrument.

You blow it with your mouth.

-You don't?

-You do.

-Oh.

-Now, do you blow the trumpet voluntary?

-Mm?

I said, do you blow the trumpet voluntary?

Oh, no, I charge a few bob.

I don't mean that! What are you going to blow?

-Eh?

-What are you going to blow of?

-"To blow of"?

-That's correct.

Ladies and gentlemen, it really does give me such great pleasure

to be in the position to blow of for you this evening...

LAUGHTER

..the new world Symphony Opus Number One,

and we "opus" how you like it.

It's in G-sharp minor.

There are variations on the theme in E-flat for left-handed foghorn,

and the piece is by "Shoshostokavich". Thank you.

-You're going to blow what?

-That's what I'm going to blow IN.

What comes OUT, I know nothing about.

APPLAUSE

-PLAYS NOTE

-Oh!

Pardon.

-I'm glad you brought that up.

-Aren't we all?

PLAYS COMPETENTLY

Who said there was no talent in the land?

Ladies and gentlemen, now,

here's a little number we can all get our teeth in.

What do you say we hear each and every voice? Thank you.

MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH

All together now!

# Oh, you beautiful doll... #

AUDIENCE JOINS IN

That's it! # You great big beautiful doll

# Let me put my arms about you... #

Well, how's this, then? How are you?

# Oh, you beautiful doll, you great big beautiful doll

# Oh, if you ever leave me, how my heart would ache,

# I want to hug you, but I fear you'd break

-# Oh

-Oh

-# Oh

-Oh

-# Oh

-Oh

-# Oh... #

-Oh, shut up!

APPLAUSE

Blimey, girls, me big end's gone!

BOTH: # Oh, you beautiful doll! #

Ladies and gentlemen,

last year, at the same festive season, young Patricia Bredin

brought the fragrance of spring to warm our wintry hearts.

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, fresh from her triumphs

in the sphere of tableaux vivants... CROWD MURMURS

Moving pictures, my dear.

..Miss Bredin comes, as I'm sure our own beloved poet laureate

would have said, clothed in white samite.

Mystic, wonderful, Patricia Bredin!

# When I was a child at my mother's knee

# My mother sang words of wisdom to me

# She warned me of dangers down in the wood

# For not every stranger's kindly and good

# Till the right time comes

# Never fall for romantic illusion

# For it's all a snare and delusion

# Till the right time comes

# At school, I soon learned that boys carry books

# For cute little girls with pretty good looks

# Those schoolday romances thrilled me, but yet

# I never took chances I might regret

# At sweet 17, you learn very soon

# The lies men can tell when under the moon

# When soft words are spoken, wisdom departs

# Those same words have broken so many hearts

# Till the right time comes

# Never fall for romantic illusion

# For it's all a snare and delusion

# Till the right time comes

# What girl doesn't yearn for big city lights?

# The butterfly days and glamorous nights

# But when men start winking, though it seems nice

# It's safer to think of mother's advice

# The time hurries by, I patiently wait

# For love will arrive before it's too late

# No changing for new loves, no false alarms

# I'll wait till my true love's here in my arms

# Till the right time comes

# Never fall for romantic illusion

# For it's all a snare and delusion

# Till the right time comes

# Till the right time comes. #

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to interrupt this charming performance,

but we do feel that as this hall has been positively hallowed as

a temple of veneration for Aphrodite by Mr Harry Joseph,

I should ask Miss Bredin for you all to oblige.

SOFT MUSIC PLAYS

LAUGHTER

SHE SIGHS

APPLAUSE

I'd like you to join in the next chorus with me.

# You are my honey, honeysuckle

# I am the bee

# I'd like to sip the honey sweet

# From these red lips, you see

# I love you dearly, dearly, and I want you to love me

# You are my honey, honeysuckle

# I am the bee. #

# Joshua, Joshua,

# Sweeter than lemon squash, you are

# Yes, by gosh you are, and you love me so

# Joshua, Joshua, sweeter than lemon squash, you are

# Oh, by gosh, you are

# Joshu-oshua. #

# Hold your hand out

# You naughty boy

# Hold your hand out, you naughty boy

# Last night, in the pale moonlight

# I saw you, I saw you

# With a nice girl in the park

# You were strolling full of joy

# And you told her you'd never kissed a girl before

# Hold your hand out, you naughty boy. #

-# Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow

-Bow-wow

-# Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow

-Bow-wow

# I've got a little cat, and I'm very fond of that

# But I'd rather have a bow-wow-wow

-# Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow

-Bow-wow

-# Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow

-Bow-wow

# I've got a little cat, and I'm very fond of that

# But I'd rather have a bow-wow-wow. #

# After the ball is over

# After the break of morn

# After the dancers leaving

# After the stars are gone

# Many a heart is aching

# If you could hear them all

# Many the hopes have vanished

# After the ball. #

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen... Oh, I beg your pardon.

SOFT PIANO MUSIC

Oh, what am I doing? I'm sorry.

Ladies and gentlemen, I am sorry, I nearly forgot myself. Erm...

Our next artiste is new to this particular programme, but

not new to your hearts, ladies and gentlemen, and he has, he informs me

and I know, several times afore, tickled your riseabilities.

Ladies and gentlemen... CROWD MURMURS

..tonight, he comes to this particular programme with the act

with which he first burst onto an astonished world several years ago,

at the Corn Exchange in Newark.

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Cardew, the cad of the school.

APPLAUSE

Hello, chaps.

-Do you like the scarf?

-SHOUTS OF APPROVAL

I've got a long one, but that would look silly.

That reminds me -

# You will see by my scarf, you will see by my hat

# I belong to an old public school

# But my bat is not straight, and I don't play the game

# And I think that a sportsman's a fool

# So have no illusions, and I will hide not

# I'll tell you right now that I'm bad

# My name's not Caruthers, or Carstairs or Craig

# I'm Cardew, the old school cad

# Who played manly games and of cricket was fond?

# Not Cardew, the cad of the school

# Who, behind the pavilion, played games with a blonde?

# That was Cardew, the cad of the school!

# When sports day came round and the school took the track

# Who down by the river, stretched out on a mac

# Read a dirty French book with a bright yellow back?

# Cardew, the cad of the school

# Who thought that the school fancy dress dance was stupid?

# Cardew, the cad of the school

# Who took all his clothes off and turned up as Cupid?

# Cardew, the cad of the school

# Who cut the sports photographs out with a knife

# And stuck in the frames real art studies from life?

# Who was caught in the grounds with the headmaster's wife?

# Cardew, the cad of the school

# Who flogged the darts cup, to his lasting disgrace?

# Cardew, the cad of the school

# A bedroom utensil was stuck in its place...

# ..by Cardew, the cad of the school

# Who climbed up the flagstaff when no-one was there

# Took down the school flag, and left high in the air

# An intimate portion of feminine wear?

# Cardew, the cad of the school. #

I loved the old school. Dear old St Fanny's.

Divided into three houses -

Cookhouse, Washhouse, and Dosshouse.

There had been a fourth house, but it was burnt down.

Slaughterhouse.

Beautiful school, beautiful school.

Lovely situation - stands in a natural basin.

My room was just over the plughole.

Over the school door is the school crest. Lovely crest.

Two brass monkeys in fur coats.

When you went to the school, you might meet the headmaster,

Dr Jankers.

BA, BO, BF.

Remarkable man. Speaks three languages -

English, Yiddish, and Rubbish.

Very much loved by the school.

Only last week, he was presented with an illuminated address.

They set fire to his house.

I shall never forget the first time I met the headmaster.

I walked into his study. He was standing with his back to the fire,

airing his knowledge.

He turned round, he told me everything a boy should know,

all about the birds and the flowers.

Oh, it was marvellous.

When I get a bit older, I'm hoping to marry a nice geranium.

Matter of fact, we'd just had the school exams.

I got into awful trouble in Geography.

They asked me to give three uses of the Pennine Chain.

I could only think of one.

For my bicycle.

Matter of fact, I've got my report here,

and I'd like to read my report to you, if I can find it.

That's tonight's homework.

That's LAST night's homework.

I've left it behind, I think... Yes, here it is.

Here we are - my report.

"English - broken.

"History - murky.

"Language - filthy.

"Conduct - well up to criminal standard.

"Position in form - 12th. Number in form - 11.

"Form master's remarks - has retained his position with ease.

"Headmaster's remarks - this boy should go a long way.

"And the sooner, the better."

Never mind, it's not all work at St Fanny's. Not all work.

I loved the long summer evenings in the school quadrangle.

That's Latin for "back yard".

Nothing to be heard but some young, fresh, studious voice, remarking,

"You can't stick on 15."

While that went on, I sat in the corner making notes.

Ten shilling notes, pound notes...

But best of all, best of all,

the thing I love most about the school is the fact it's so historic.

You take the headmaster - please.

The headmaster's own bed was slept in by King Henry VIII.

And to this very day, you can still see the round mark

on the bedside carpet where he used to keep his crown.

LAUGHTER

As for me, I always do my best to live up to the school motto,

the old English motto which dates back to the early 12th century.

"It troubleth me not what happeneth to thee, Jack,

"I am all right."

My crowning exploit took place on the occasion

of the school tiddlywinks championship.

I was drawn against the headmaster's daughter.

And at the crucial moment, I tiddled when I should have winked.

LAUGHTER

The end of my shocking career, the end of my shocking career,

lies in the answer to this question -

who mixed dynamite in the chemistry class?

Cardew, the cad of the school.

And at last left the school through a large pane of glass?

Cardew, and some of the school.

Who, though he could never obtain a degree,

was as crafty and cunning as cunning could be?

And will end up, no doubt, a successful MP?

Cardew, the cad of the school!

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, as the cognoscenti among you will know,

our sovereign has arranged a state visit from France for the New Year.

And we on this programme follow humbly in the regal footsteps

in bringing our next artiste from Europe.

Ladies and gentlemen, we present very proudly,

Grock's nephew,

the illustrious nephew of a peerless clown.

Noberti!

APPLAUSE

NOBERTI LAUGHS

I fall off, didn't I?

Acrobat!

Hup...hoo!

Huy....hoo!

Hee-yo!

Hee...

Yah.

It's not very simple to do that...

You go, hup!

Timber!

Tee...!

..imber...

Where's my hat?

Ha-ha! I lost my hat!

Hup!

Ho!

That's it! That's it!

APPLAUSE

Alley-up!

Alley-up!

Alley-up!

Alley-up, eh? Boom!

Boom...

Ah...

Aaahh...

Achoo!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Thank you!

He showed me!

Yeah!

There, much better...

Ow!

Hup!

Hey-hup, diddly-round, in there, eh?

I get paid for it, don't worry.

You look nice, you know.

You look very nice.

Help!

Help!

Heeeeelllp!

APPLAUSE

I think, ladies and gentlemen,

not to put too fine a physiological point on it,

we can congratulate Noberti on swivelling on his own apex.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we go once again abroad,

and we bring you, in all the proud plenitude of her...

of her palpitating pulchritude,

we give you La Senorita Betty Jumel.

MUSIC: Toreador Song by Bizet

LAUGHTER

# Sirs, your toast

# A courteous answer claiming

# I lift the glass to soldiers gay and bold

# Toreros, like you, with courage naming... #

Ooh! Ha-ha-ha!

# See the circus, thronged with crowds of people

# The seats are filled, above, below

# Loud bells ring out

# From every steeple

# All the world has come

# Has come to the show! #

Ah-ha-ha.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Won't be a moment.

# Hark, what shouting

# What frenzied voices

# When the bull flies out with angry roar

# Ah...

# Sure of honour when the fight is o'er

# Look out!

# Beware!

# Take care

# Beware of... #

Aargh!

Ha, ha-ha-ha!

# Toreador, now guard thee

# Toreador, toreador...

# Bear thou in mind, when combat thee elates

# That bright eyes fondly regard thee

# For thee a fond heart waits, toreador

# For thee a fond heart waits. #

I shan't be a moment.

# Suddenly, there comes a silence

# There comes a silence

# Oh, what has happened now?

# All hearts are beating high

# All hearts are beating high

# Tis a mighty bull come rushing out of the Toril

# See, he flies

# His foe...

# ..with him, a picador

# Oh, trouble!

# Shout out the people

# On goes the bull, now here, now there

# Raging, he flies!

# And... #

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

# And maddened by the banderillos

# In frenzy, wild he fights

# The circus streams with gore

# Many, see, for safety climb the fences

# Look out, toreador!

# Beware

# Look out!

# Beware!

# Toreador, now guard thee

# Toreador, toreador

# Bear thou in mind, when combat thee elates

# Bright eyes fondly regard thee

# For thee a fond heart waits, toreador

# For... #

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Who is he?

# For thee a fond

# Heart

# Waits! #

APPLAUSE

My ladies and gentlemen,

I think Mr Ainsworth and the boys will agree with me

that that was very Bizet.

And now...

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we redeem a pledge,

and give you, once again, the Manton Brothers!

APPLAUSE

# Though we have to do our job all day

# In a manner bright and gay

# We could make our work seem just like play

# If we could dance

# While on the roads that we repair

# Our dancing makes the people stare

# We'd do our job without a care

# If we could dance

# We'd dance all day while the gaffer is away

# Our soft-shoe is a treat

# And as we dig, dig

# Dig all day

# Our feet are always tapping out a beat

# When work is done, we're on the street

# Doing what comes naturally

# Oh, how happy we could be

# If we could dance. #

APPLAUSE

And now, ladies and gentlemen, to send you home happy,

for our final item tonight,

we reach to the top of the Christmas tree, and we give you,

ladies and gentlemen, two artistes who need no glass from me.

Ladies and gentlemen, in all pride, we present...

Morecambe and Wise!

APPLAUSE

-Thank you, thank you. Who's come on?

-I don't know.

Oh, it's us.

Hello, darling! Working? Oh, you're up there, aren't you?

Don't worry about that one, it's the wife.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I must say how happy we are

to be appearing once again at the City Varieties, Leeds.

It really is wonderful to see all your happy, smiling faces.

-Happy, smiling...!

-LAUGHTER

As a matter of fact, the old place hasn't changed one little bit.

But don't you feel there's something missing?

OUTRAGEOUS TROMBONE NOTE

That's it.

Ah, but it's exciting in the theatre. The lights, the atmosphere!

-Is that what it is?

-Yes.

-I thought it was you.

-Ye... What do you mean?

-I'm getting a bit fed up with this stage lark.

-Fed up with it?

Well, I'd like to do something different. You know, like...

Go abroad, get a new job.

Where was that woman, there, when she was doing all that dancing?

-Where was she?

-I've got it.

-What?

-Spain.

-Is that where she was?

-Yes.

That's where I'd like to go, where it's hot.

-That's the place for you.

-Why?

Listen, you would make a marvellous bullfighter.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, you're a natural.

Listen, I'm going to make you the greatest bullfighter in the world.

-You're only saying that!

-No, I'm not.

-Well, somebody just did.

-Eh?

LAUGHTER

Now, we've got to dress you for the part. I mean, you must look right.

A right what?

LAUGHTER

A right bullfighter.

-Now, you're wearing a three-cornered hat.

-What for?

Your three-cornered head.

-What are you laughing at?

-I thought it was funny.

It so happens I have a three-cornered head.

Now, where do you get these hats?

LAUGHTER

You're wearing...

-A blue, velvet jacket.

-Pardon?

You're wearing a blue, velvet jacket, with a ruffled collar.

A spangled shirt with broderie anglaise cuffs.

Bright yellow pantaloons.

-Snug fitting.

-Hey...

White stockings and the most heavenly pair

-of black, patent shoes.

-Yeah.

-Now, what do you say to that?

-I won't have to say anything.

Dressed like that, I think everybody'll know.

LAUGHTER

-What are you going to call yourself?

-How about Elsie?

-No!

LAUGHTER

Choose a name, a bullfighting name.

-Arturo D Rodriguez Liquorice!

-Liquorice?

-Liquorice.

-That's not a name.

-Spanish, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

-Do I have to fight a bull?

-Fight a bull?

-Yeah.

-Not right away.

-Oh.

I mean, have you ever faced a bull?

-I came face-to-face with a ferocious bull once.

-Did it give you a start?

I didn't need one, I was off like lightning.

LAUGHTER

Now comes the great day.

The arena is packed to capacity.

-Is it full?

-Of course.

-Is it?

The people are all waiting for the greatest bullfighter in all Spain.

Ah, well, they won't need me now. I can go, then.

It's you they are waiting for.

Is it?

I can see you now, standing in the centre of the bullring.

All eyes are focused on you.

They are all waiting for you to do something.

LAUGHTER

They won't have to wait very long, will they?

Definitely not, because they know...

They know that you are a man of action!

-And actions speak louder than words?

-Yeah!

-Ha-ha!

It's a happy show, innit?

Now, suddenly, at one end of the arena,

there is a little cloud of dust as the bull rushes in.

At the other end of the arena, there's an even bigger cloud of dust as I rush out!

Followed by Jimmy and Ben.

-You're not afraid, are you?

-Afraid?

-Afraid?

-Yes.

-Oh.

-You are?

-Yeah.

What a magnificent animal that is. Just look at it.

-There it is, over there.

-My God, he's quick, ain't he?

-Yeah.

-Where is he now?

-Sat in that seat.

-Sitting Bull.

LAUGHTER

-He's asleep.

-Asleep?!

It's a bulldozer. Thank you!

LAUGHTER

Do you realise that bull weighs over two tonnes?

-That's a lot of bull.

-Yes.

-Now comes your supreme moment.

-I faint?

-No.

-No.

-The moment for the kill.

Just you and the bull, alone in the arena.

-Ole!

-You had me worried there.

LAUGHTER

-Ole!

-Ole!

-Congratulations.

-What have I done?

-You have just killed that bull with one masterstroke.

-Thank you.

-A magnificent effort. I'm very proud of you.

-I'm quick, aren't I?

-Oh, yes, very quick.

Poor old bull.

-You forgot that bit, didn't you?

-Yes.

-What's that?

-I said, you forgot that bit.

-No, no.

-Oh.

-Up there!

-What?

-In the box.

-Can you see him?

-No.

-It's... It is!

-Is it?

-Yes!

It's the president of the bullring.

-Can't he get down?

-He doesn't want to.

-Do you know what he's done?

-He hasn't, has he?

-Yes!

LAUGHTER

He has awarded you...

the ear of the bull.

Oh, this is indeed a great honour!

You must thank him in the old Spanish way.

Muchas gracias, senor!

# Muuuchas gracias! #

MOUTHING

ERNIE SNIGGERS

LAUGHTER

He's having a go, isn't he?

Muchas gracias!

Senor!

What about the workers?

LAUGHTER

Cuanta la gusta?!

Charlie Chaplin!

LAUGHTER

Viva Zapata!

With chips!

LAUGHTER

-Hey...

-What?

-Who's working you?

Now, you walk towards the president's box,

and you throw the ear of the bull to the president's beautiful daughter.

-She accepts it.

-I'm glad, because I wouldn't know what to do with it.

LAUGHTER

She looks down at you and smiles and says...

-I know what she says.

-What does she say?

"Hello, hello, hello - what's this 'ere?" Ha-ha!

LAUGHTER

BOTH: # Sleigh bells ring

# Are you listening?

# Down the lane

# Snow is glistening

# A beautiful sight

# We're happy tonight

# Walking in a winter wonderland

# Gone away is the bluebird

# Here to stay is a new bird

# He sings a love song

# As you go along

# Walking in a winter wonderland

# In the meadow you can see a snowman

# Then pretend that he is Parson Brown

# He'll say, "Are you married?" You'll say, "No, man,

# "But you can do the job when you're in town."

# Later on

# We'll conspire

# As we dream

# By the fire

# To face unafraid

# The plans that you've made

# Walking in a winter wonderland. #

Into the dance!

Altogether now!

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, before we send you out to illuminated Leeds...

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

..and I mean lit up, we're going to ask Messers Morecambe and Wise

to lead the company and yourselves in The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Morecambe and Wise, the entire company,

but this time, chiefly...

-ALL:

-Yourselves!

# Come, come

# Come and make eyes at me

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Da-da-da-da-da

# Come, come

# Come and drink wine with me

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# See the little German band

# Da-da-da-da-da

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Come, come

# Come and have a drink or two

# Down at the old Bull and Bush. #

APPLAUSE