28/12/1976 The Good Old Days

HORSE CLIP-CLOPS

MUSIC PLAYS IN THE DISTANCE

# For tonight we'll merry, merry be

# For tonight we'll merry, merry be

# For tonight we'll merry, merry be

# Tomorrow we'll be sober... #

# God rest ye merry gentlemen let nothing you dismay

# For Jesus Christ, our Saviour was born on Christmas Day

# To save us all from Satan's powers when we were gone astray

# Oh, tidings of comfort and joy

# Comfort and joy

# Oh, tidings of comfort and joy... #

# Good King Wenceslas looked out

# On the feast of Stephen

# When the snow lay round about

# Deep and crisp and even

# Brightly shone the moon that night

# Though the frost was cruel

# When a poor man came in sight

# Gathering winter fuel. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

FANFARE PLAYS

CHEERING

Once again!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen...

-AUDIENCE:

-Good evening!

Plenitudinously...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohhhh!

..provocative...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohhhh!

..in epicene opulence...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohhhh!

..and orchidaceous androgynousness...

The lady is a chap, every other inch a woman.

Danny La Rue!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Oh, listen to the band

# How merrily they play!

# Oh, don't you think it's grand?

# Hear everybody say

# Oh, listen to the band!

# Who doesn't love to hark

# To the shout of here they come!

# And the banging of the drum?

# Oh, listen to the soldiers in the park!

# To the banging of the drum

# And the shout of here she comes... #

CHEERING

Wotcha, mates!

# Jolly good luck to the girl that loves a soldier

# Girls, have you been there?

# Why, you know these military men

# Always do their duty everywhere

# Jolly good luck to the girl that loves a soldier

# Real good boys are they

# So, girls, if you want to love a soldier

# You can all love me... #

# 'Twas on a summer evening

# That I met Georgie Brown

# Georgie Brown

# Georgie Brown

# I was strolling on me lonesome

# Just walking up and down

# Up and down, up and down

# Then George proposed that we should have a wander in the park

# But I brought up the question of the hour and the dark

# But George said, don't be silly

# Why, it's only for a lark

# For a lark?

# I'm the lark

# Georgie took me walking in the park

# In the park, after dark

# A lovely summer breeze was blowing through the trees

# As we carved our initials on the bark

# Then Georgie made me sit upon his knees

# For a squeeze 'neath the trees

# But me mother told me never do sit down

# But to keep on walking in the park

# When Georgie said he loved me

# I burst into tears, salty tears

# Oh, my God, salty tears

# But then he held me closer and whispered in my ears

# In my ears, in my ears

# The tale that first was whispered by the first man woman saw

# I often heard him tell it as he'd told it oft before

# But as he looked about me I said, Charlie, you're a bore

# What a bore

# What a bore

# Georgie took me walking in the park

# In the park, after dark

# A lovely summer breeze was blowing through the trees

# As we carved our initials on the bark

# Georgie told me sit upon his knees

# For a squeeze 'neath the trees

# But mother told me never to sit down

# But to keep on walking in the park. #

There.

APPLAUSE

-Hello, vicar.

-How do you do?

-Are we all happy?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

# Oh, there's something about a soldier

# There's something about a soldier

# There's something about a soldier that is fine, fine, fine

# He may be a great big general

# May be a sergeant major

# May be a simple private in the line, line, line

# But there's something about his bearing

# Something in what he's wearing

# Something about his buttons that all shine, shine, shine

# Oh, a military chest seems to suit the ladies best

# There's something about a soldier that is fine, fine, fine... #

Altogether!

# There's something about a soldier

# There's something about a soldier

# There's something about a soldier that is fine, fine, fine

# He may be a great big general

# He may be a sergeant major

# He may be a simple private on the line, line, line

# But there's something about his bearing

# Something in what he's wearing

# Something about his buttons that all shine, shine, shine

# Oh, a military chest seems to suit the ladies best

# There's something about a soldier that is fine, fine, fine

# There's something about a soldier that is fine, fine, fine. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Dashing in a diverting demonstration...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohhhh!

..of dazzling descant and dancing diablerie...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohhhhh!

..French.

LAUGHTER

That debonair dynamo, Mr David Ellen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# If you want to get on in a Broadway show

# You must have a song that is sure to go

# The kind of refrain that gives you a pain

# And drives you insane when you hear it again

# The orchestra's murder

# It's near and far

# It's usually sung by a big male star

# The publisher gives him a motor car

# And the chorus goes something like this...

# Adelaide, Adelaide

# Ever-loving Adelaide

# Has taken a chance on me

# Taking a chance I'll be respectable and nice

# Give up the cards and dice

# And go for shoes and rice

# Gentlemen, deal me out

# Do not try to feel me out

# I've got the evenings

# Free

# Cos Adelaide, Adelaide

# Ever-loving Adelaide

# Has taken a chance

# Talk about your long shots

# Taken a chance on me... #

But...

HE TAP-DANCES

Yeah.

# Cos Adelaide, Adelaide

# Ever-loving Adelaide

# Has taken a chance

# Talk about your long shots

# Taken a chance

# On me. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Catch the train for Broadway

# That's the Yankee badge

# Just got time to say goodbye that's all

# So long, honey that's a train they're calling

# All aboard for Broadway

# I'll be back again

# Honey, dear, now don't you fret

# Cos think of all the fun I'll miss

# If I miss that Broadway train... #

HE TAP-DANCES

MUSIC GETS FASTER

HE TAP-DANCES FASTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Anthropomorphic...

-Audience:

-Ooh!

..manipulative mimicry,

a volcanically cavorting canine chorus!

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohhhh!

In fact, ladies and gentlemen,

The Hot Dogs!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Woof, woof, woof, woof.

# Ar-ar, ar-ar, ar-ar, ar-ar ar-ar

# Doo-be, doo-be, dum, dum, dum

# Doo-be doo-be dum, dum, dum

# Doo-be, doo-be

# Ar-ar, ar-ar-ar-ar

# Ar-ar, ar, ar, ar-ar

# Ar-ar, ar, ar, ar-ar

# Doo-be-doo, dum, dum

# Ar-ar, ar, ar, ar-ar

# Ar-ar, ar, ar, ar-ar

# Ar-ar, ar, ar, ar-ar, ar

# Ar-ar, ar

# Ar-ar, ar

# Ar-ar, ar

# Ar-ar, ar-ar

# Pum, pum, pum

# Ar-ar, ar, ar, ar-ar

# Ar-ar, ar, ar, ar-ar

# Ar-ar, ar, ar, ar-ar, ar

# Doobely-doop, be, dede-up dedurley-oh

# Doobely-doop, pow, de-de-up buddy

# Woodle-de, da-da-lap dap-doodley bo

HE SLURPS

# Badely-be, wadidly-ba-de-do

# Woodley-de, wabap-dap-dibo

# Waddley-de, badap-dap-ziddo, do

HE SLURPS

# Wazazey

# Badiddley-de-do

# Woodla, woodlada-da-ditto

# Darab-bo

# Waddidley da de, da

# Bor-ro bap-bo

HE SLURPS

HE GARGLES THE SONG

# Ah-ah-ah-ah

HE CONTINUES GARGLING

# Ah-ah-ah-ah

HE GARGLES

-Shoop.

-Boing.

-Beh. Ah!

# Woodle-up de, da-da-da diddle

# Woo-de-de, wadlat diddle

# Woozabada, de

# Wadlat diddle-de

# Ar, ar, ar, ar, ar, ar, ar

# Ayyyyyy

# Baddidle bom, badiddle-iddle iddle, de. #

CHEERING

CYMBAL CRASH

# Arh-arh-arh, arh-arh-arh arh-arh-arh, arh-arh-arh

# Ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah

-# Ruff!

-In the shade of the old apple tree

# When the love in your eyes I could see

# When the voice that I heard Like the song of the bird

# Seemed to whisper sweet music to me

HE HOWLS # I could hear the dull buzz of the bee

# In the blossoms as you said to me

# "With a heart that is true I'll be waiting for you

# "In the shade of the old apple tree"

# In the shade of that old apple tree... #

Yes, sirree!

# When the love in your eyes I could see... #

You're tellin' me!

# When the voice that I heard Like the song of the bird

# Seemed to whisper sweet music to me... #

Yeah, that was me!

# I could hear that dull buzz of the bee... #

I don't remember no bee!

# Remember what you said to me... #

You're tellin' me!

# With a heart that is true Look what's waiting for you

# In the shade of the old apple tree... #

APPLAUSE

# In the shade of the old apple tree!

# Apple tree! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, thank you, everyone, and now, all aboard for the Robert E Lee!

# Boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom

# A-roo-ooh!

# A-roo-ooh!

# A-roo-ooh!

# A-roo-ooh!

# Boom-boom boom-boom boom-boom... #

THEY WOOF THE MELODY TO WAITING FOR THE ROBERT E LEE

AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG

HE SCATS

THEY ALL WOOF ALONG TO WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN

KEY CHANGE

BIG FINISH

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Old English sheepdogs...

trained by Paul and Peta Page and Stephen Greenfield.

-Our contribution to culture...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Thought you'd like that.

-..is Corybantic...

-Ooh!

..encompassing arabesques and entrechats, Madame...

-Ooh!

-..from...

MAN IN AUDIENCE WHISTLES

..David Ellen and that coruscating coryphee,

Miss Jennifer Layland!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

DRUMROLL

MUSIC RESUMES

Get off! Get off!

DRUMROLL

APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

AAAGH!

DRUMROLL

APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

APPLAUSE

That prima ballerina assoluta...

Ooh!

..was Danny La Rue.

CHEERING

Or didn't you notice?

Anticipatory of your adulatory appraisal...

Ooh!

..that entrancing, enthralling threnodist,

your own Miss Lyn Kennington!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Now, I've no ears for the music of spheres

# I'm bored with the study of stars

# Return to the mirth and the music of earth

# And we'll dance to the opening bars

# Your fancies carry you

# Far, yes, off too far

# To your stars

# But alas

# Fancies fade and pass

# Say not love is a dream

# Say not that hope is vain

# Say not that cruel fate will redeem

# Perfect joy with pain

# Look, look not beyond

# Joy so near

# Two hearts may not despond

# For love knows not a fear

# Love breaks every bond

# And love, true love, is here

# Look not

# Look not beyond

# Joy so near

# Two hearts may not despond

# For love knows not a fear

# Love breaks every bond

# And love...

# true love...

# is here. #

CHEERING

# Wintertime is freezing time

# Teasing time and squeezing time

# That's the time to love

# With your lady love you'll go

# Skimming o'er the ice and snow

# Silv'ry moon above

# Hear the sleigh bells ring

# Hear them ding-a-ling

# Winter, winter

# When the snow is softly falling

# That's the time to freeze

# That's the time to squeeze

# In October and November

# And December, just remember

# Winter, winter

# When your sweetheart comes a-calling

# By the fireside so bright

# You'll hug and squeeze her

# That's the time to squeeze her

# When it's wintertime

# Don't be bashful, it's no use

# Wintertime's a good excuse

# When you want to swoon

# Keep on loving every day

# Talk about the wedding day

# Talk of honeymoon

# Wedding bells will ring

# Sometime in the spring

# Winter, winter

# When the snow is softly falling

# That's the time to freeze

# That's the time to squeeze

# In October and November

# And December, just remember

# Winter, winter

# When your sweetheart comes a-calling

# By the fireside so bright

# You'll hug and squeeze her

# That's the time to squeeze her

# When it's wintertime

# By the fireside so bright

# You'll hug and squeeze her

# That's the time to squeeze her

# When it's wintertime. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

An inundation of nugatory...

Ooh!

Trifling.

..inanities, from that veritable virtuoso of the vernacular...

Ooh!

..all the way from Yorkshire...

CHEERING

..Mr Duggie Brown!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG TO MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS; SOME OF THE AUDIENCE STILL CLAPPING

LAUGHTER

HE LAUGHS

That was... What a marvellous intro.

I thought there was somebody else coming on then!

-What a marvellous time. Are you all enjoying yourselves?

-Yes!

Yes. I'll soon put a stop to that.

No, it's nice to see people, especially at Christmas time,

because Christmas...

Actually, Christmas is the time when everybody gets everything they want.

Ooh!

I can tell by the smile on your face, madam.

Apart from a little old lady, a little old spinster.

She was sat in her attic all by herself on Christmas Eve.

Awww!

Not "Awww!" It's "Shame!"

Shame!

Thank you. Shame, it was, this poor little old lady.

She's sat there, just on her own, by herself, on herself, by her own.

And sat by the fire was a little cat with her,

and she was just touching the fire, got nothing to do,

and suddenly out of the fire jumped a spark, and it was a fairy.

It was a real, live fairy!

And she was surprised, this woman.

Well, she'd never seen a fairy before!

And...

So, this fairy said, "I am your fairy godmother.

"I have brought you three wishes."

And she said, "Oh! Erm...

"Ooh, you took me by surprise. I was just going to make a cup of tea."

She said, "You have got three wishes. What would you like?"

She said, "Oh, erm, well, er...

"I, er, I wish I was a young girl again."

And the fairy went, "Bing-g-g-g-g!"

And she was a beautiful-looking young girl, 22 years old.

She says, "You have still got two wishes left. What would you like?"

She said, "Well, erm..."

She said... She said, "I wish I had plenty of money."

And the fairy went, "Bing-g-g-g-g!"

And the place was full of money everywhere. Couldn't budge.

She says, "You've got one wish left. What would you like?"

She said, "Well, erm..."

She said, "My cat's been with me a long time.

"I wish he was a big, handsome, strapping prince."

And the fairy went, "Bing-g-g-g-g!"

And the cat was a big prince. And he got hold of this woman,

he put her in his arms and he cuddled her and he said,

"I bet you wish you'd never taken me to the vet."

How dare you!

No! Because...

-Shame!

-Shame!

Shame!

Mind you, you see, Christmas...

Christmas is for the kids, because I think the kids are marvellous.

She was cooking the breakfast, this woman.

She said, "Willy, go and get Johnny up.

"He's going to be late for school."

And he went upstairs. He came down, said, "He won't get up for school."

She said, "I'll get him up." She went up, she said,

"Come on, Johnny, you're going to be late for school."

And he looked, and he said,

TEARFULLY: "I'm not...

"I'm not going to school today."

And she said, "Pardon?"

He said, "I'm not going to school today."

She said, "Why not?"

He said, "I'll tell you why not."

-Shame for him!

-Shame!

He said, "I'll tell you why not - because the children don't like me,

"and I don't like them, and I'm-I'm just not going to school.

"That's it. Finished." And he stamped his foot, like that.

Which is very hard to do when you're in bed.

She said, "You've got to go to school today!"

He said, "Give me two good reasons why I've got to go to school."

She said, "Reason one - you're 39 years old.

"Reason two - you're the headmaster."

APPLAUSE

Mind you...

Will you laugh?!

Then we're on to Hogmanay. Hogmanay's a marvellous time.

-New Year's resolutions? Anybody thought about those?

-No.

No? I've got one. I've made a Newyer... Whatever I said.

-Shame! I...

-Shame!

I made a New Year's resolution. I've given up gambling,

I've given up smoking and I've given up going with women.

-Shame!

-It's been the longest...

It's been the longest 20 minutes of my life.

No, because actually, Hogmanay belongs to the Scots people,

and I never say anything about... Any Scots people in tonight?

-ONE WOMAN:

-Yes.

-Who paid for your ticket, madam?

And the chap in front said, "I did."

Well, you know your own business best.

No, I never say anything about Scots people,

because my uncle was from Aberdeen,

or, as they say up there,

"Ay-burr-deen".

And he died, actually, four and a half years ago, in Aberdeen.

He died of a heart attack throwing a penny to the children.

And the string broke.

Shame!

He was a mean man. Do you know, he used to switch the gas off

while he turned the bacon over.

He insisted that copper wire

was invented by two Scotsmen fighting over a farthing.

This friend of his, who was a sporting fanatic,

because he was laid, actually, in the hospital bed.

He wasn't playing too much sport!

And he wasn't in a very good state.

He was in the hospital bed, laid there, like that, y'see.

And his friend came to see him.

I don't know if anybody's been in hospital and had friends,

but they don't... LAUGHTER

Well, friends who visit you in hospital aren't friends,

because they eat all the fruit.

He just looked at him and he went like this. He said, "Erm, Tommy?

"How are you feeling?"

And he went like this. He said, "I'm, er...

"I'm not feeling too well."

GENTLY: "Oh, aren't you, Tommy?"

Did you hear the concern in me voice?

I'll do it again, look.

"Oh, aren't you, Tommy?

"No. Erm, I, er, I don't think I'm going to make it."

Shame!

"Oh, Tommy, I am sorry. Erm...

"Is there anything I can do to help you, Tommy?"

"Yes." "What?"

"Well, you know I like to play golf?"

"Yes." "Well..."

Ooh, wrong way. "Well...

"Well, I wonder if they play golf up there."

"Where? On the hospital roof?"

"No! Right up there, where I'm going."

"Oh, Tommy! Well, er, I'll go and have a seance with a medium.

"Not a com-medium."

Oh, forget it, never mind.

"I'll have a seance with a medium and try and find out."

"Will you?" "Yes."

So he went away on the Monday.

He came back on the Wednesday, he said, "Tommy?

"I've got some good news and bad news for you."

"Have you?" "Yes.

"They do play golf up there.

"They've got the finest 18-hole golf course you've ever seen."

"Have they?" "Yes.

"The bad news is you're teeing off

"with St Peter at 7:15 on Saturday morning."

I love those silly ones. And especially the sporty ones.

You know this chap, he was a golf fanatic, y'see,

and also in his meantime he used to play cricket.

And he was a very good cricketer.

He used to play for Yorkshire, y'see.

He's walking down this country road...

-ONE MAN:

-Shame!

-Shame!

He's walking down this country road

on his own, by himself, talking to no-one.

And suddenly, he heard this voice say, "Ey up, Tommy!"

Like that! Never been introduced. "Ey up, Tommy!"

So he looked behind, and the only thing there was a horse,

a beautiful horse in a field.

He went to this horse, he said, "Was that you?"

And the horse said, "Yes, course it was. Me."

He said, "Er..."

He said, "Can you talk, then?"

He said, "Course I can. I play cricket better than you, as well."

He said, "You can't." He said, "Oh, yes, I can."

Oh, no, you can't!

Exactly! Have you heard it?

He said, "I'll tell you what,

"I could play cricket definitely better than you."

So Tommy took him down to the nets at Headingley,

and he put him in the nets,

and he thought he'd throw a few balls at him, like.

And the horse went, "Bang!" Four. "Bang!" Six. "Bang!"

Knocking the ball everywhere!

He thought, "Yes. We're playing Lancashire. Roses. Ooh..."

BOOING

He said, "I'll put him in the team."

So, the next day, they finish up at Chesterfield.

They're playing Lancashire at Chesterfield.

And the horse is in with Tommy. Opening batsmen.

Beautiful white horse.

He's got a white cap, he's got his white pants

and he's got a cricket bat like that.

Otherwise, he'd have looked daft.

So...

..the bowler came up and he bowled this ball, y'see,

and the horse went four, six, four, all the over.

Three sixes, three fours, like that.

So they changed ends and the bowler bowled to Tommy,

and Tommy went four, four and then he just nicked a quick single.

And as he nicked the single, he ran towards the other side

and the horse stood there like that.

Guess what the horse said.

"Neigh!"

So Tommy, poor old Tommy, was run out, y'see,

and he's walking back to the pavilion, and he said,

"You're a fine one, playing cricket. Why didn't you run?"

The horse said, "If I could run,

"I'd be at Ascot, I wouldn't be playing cricket with you."

APPLAUSE

Cos you could tell by my suave attire,

I'm a sporting gentleman, y'know. I'm a... I like to go to the races.

I love the races. I backed a horse at twenty to one.

He didn't come in till five past four.

And that's why I can feel for this friend of mine.

He was laid in bed, three o'clock one morning, and the phone rang.

And he answered the phone, he said, "Hello?"

And there's a drunken chap at the other end.

And he said to this friend of mine, he says, "Hello?

"Hello?

"Are you the head steward of the...

"Doncaster...Doncaster races-course?"

And the man said, "Yes, I am."

He says, "Well, could you...

"could you tell me when the next meeting of the Doncaster races is?

"Are."

The man said, "Yes, July the 17th."

He says, "Oh, thank you very much."

And he slammed the receiver down.

25 minutes later, the phone rang again.

He lifted it up, he said, "Hello?"

He says, "Hello?

"Are you...

"..are you the head steward of the Doncaster races-courses committee?"

He said, "Yes, I am." He said,

"And did you tell me when the next meeting of the Doncaster races are?

"Is. Am."

He said, "Yes, July."

He says, "Oh. Thank you."

45 minutes later, the phone rang.

"Hello?

"Are you the head thingummy...

"of the races at Doncaster, when they are...?

"Well, can you tell me when they are again?"

He said, "In July!" He said, "Why, are you going to go there?"

He says, "No. I was at your last meeting, and I'm locked in the bar."

-Shame!

-Shame!

And so...

-So, the time's come for me to go now.

-Shame!

Oh, thank you! And I've only one more thing to say.

As we slide down the banister of life,

may the splinters face the right way.

Goodnight, God bless you. Thank you!

CHEERING

Miss Lyn Kennington, the Players Theatre and the fella himself...

Ooh!

..one and indivisible, the one and only Mr Danny La Rue!

CHEERING

# Wine, women and song Wine, women and song

# It's writ on the pages Of life through the ages

# That love for them there is wrong

# Night's turning to day

# Winter's changing to May

# The world has been bright The heart is made light

# By wine, women and song

# The world has been bright The heart is made light

# By wine, women and song! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# You may study their ways if you can

# But a woman's too much for a man

# It is deeper than diving for pearls

# Courting girls, girls girls, girls, girls!

# With her fair, flaxen hair eyes of blue

# She's a long way too knowing for you

# She is dark, she is fair

# She may smile or may frown

# But she's always the best in town. #

# I'm going to Maxine's

# Where fun and frolic beams

# With all the girls I chatter

# I smile, I kiss, I flatter

# Dodo, Lolo, Joujou

# Clo-Clo, Margo, Frou-Frou

# But surnames do not matter

# I take the first to hand. #

# I hear the music play

# It follows me away

# All sorrows will have flown

# When you are mine

# And mine alone

# The music seems to sing

# I'm still not saying anything

# It's wanting you to know

# I love you so

# Though I say not

# What I may not

# Let you hear

# Still the swaying dance is saying

# "Love me, dear"

-BOTH:

-# Every touch of fingers

# Tells me what I know

# Says for you it's true, it's true

# I love you so

HE HUMS THE MELODY

-# Still the... AUDIENCE:

-..swaying dance is saying

# "Love me, dear"

-BOTH:

-# Every touch of fingers

# Tells me what I know

# Says for you it's true, it's true

# I love you so! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And now there's just time to ask Mr Danny La Rue

to lead the company and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Danny La Rue, the entire company,

Mr Bernard Herrmann and the entire and unflagging orchestra...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..but this time, chiefly...

-ALL:

-Yourselves!

ALL: # Come, come come and make eyes at me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Da-da da-da-da

# Come, come drink some port wine with me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band Da da-da da-da-da-da

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Do, do, come and have a drink or two

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Bush, Bush! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG