26/12/1959 The Good Old Days


26/12/1959

Christmas edition of the old time music hall programme from 1959. Featuring Morecambe & Wise, Patricia Bredin, Cardew Robinson, Smoothey & Layton, Betty Jumel and the Manton Bros.


Similar Content

Browse content similar to 26/12/1959. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

HORSE AND CART TROT PAST

0:00:020:00:06

ORCHESTRA PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE

0:00:250:00:27

TUNE OF GOD REST YE MERRY GENTLEMEN

0:00:540:00:57

CROWD SINGS ALONG

0:01:040:01:06

TUNE OF GOOD KING WENCESLAS

0:01:130:01:16

TUNE OF THE FIRST NOEL

0:01:350:01:41

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:02:130:02:19

Once again, good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

0:02:270:02:31

And may I add my congratulations to yours to Mr Alan Ainsworth

0:02:310:02:35

for his arduous endeavours with the boys and

0:02:350:02:38

that positively frenetic flourish of his frenzied little weapons.

0:02:380:02:44

CROWD WHOOPS

0:02:440:02:45

In the festive interlude, we celebrate, ladies and gentlemen...

0:02:460:02:51

Yes, madam. There you are.

0:02:510:02:53

Now, isn't that nice? That's charming.

0:02:530:02:57

And you, my darling. There.

0:02:570:02:59

We celebrate tonight, and already I have a little gift,

0:02:590:03:02

we celebrate the Feast of Stephen.

0:03:020:03:05

And tonight we have a particular celebrant, an anniversary

0:03:050:03:09

celebrant with us, whom I'm sure you will wish to cheer.

0:03:090:03:12

Ken Frith, ladies and gentlemen, our pianist tonight,

0:03:120:03:16

celebrates his birthday.

0:03:160:03:18

Ken!

0:03:180:03:19

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:03:190:03:21

-CROWD SING:

-# Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you

0:03:210:03:25

# Happy birthday, dear Ken

0:03:250:03:28

# Happy birthday to you. #

0:03:280:03:32

And now, ladies and...

0:03:350:03:36

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:03:360:03:39

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

0:03:390:03:42

I hope that goes for those among you tonight who also are

0:03:420:03:45

celebrating anniversaries of one kind or another.

0:03:450:03:48

Ladies and gentlemen,

0:03:480:03:50

tonight we open the second part of our programme with the return

0:03:500:03:54

to this hall, to this programme,

0:03:540:03:57

of two artistes who have delighted us in the past with their...

0:03:570:04:02

with, ladies and gentlemen, their scintillant synthesis of...

0:04:020:04:07

CROWD WHOOPS

0:04:070:04:08

..of simultaneous synchronisation.

0:04:090:04:12

Ladies and gentlemen, the Manton Brothers!

0:04:120:04:16

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:04:160:04:18

ORCHESTRA STARTS UP

0:04:190:04:21

THEY TAP DANCE

0:04:230:04:26

THEY TAP DANCE

0:05:050:05:10

-CROWD SING:

-# I know she likes me, I know she likes me

0:05:240:05:30

# Because she says so

0:05:300:05:32

# She is my lily of Laguna

0:05:320:05:36

# She is my lily and my rose. #

0:05:360:05:39

THEY TAP DANCE

0:05:410:05:43

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:06:240:06:28

I promise you, ladies and gentlemen,

0:06:360:06:38

for the warmth of your applause, that you will have

0:06:380:06:41

the Manton Brothers once again later on in the programme.

0:06:410:06:44

I should like to say to the lady in the enchanting

0:06:440:06:47

broderie Anglaise chapeau...

0:06:470:06:49

I don't mean that that's... CROWD MURMURS

0:06:490:06:51

I don't mean that that's ALL she's wearing!

0:06:510:06:55

..that the boys are maybe not brothers, but from the same stable.

0:06:550:06:59

LAUGHTER

0:06:590:07:01

You notice that even the gleam on the teeth synchronises.

0:07:010:07:05

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

0:07:050:07:07

I have very much pleasure in introducing to this programme

0:07:070:07:11

in a positive fanfaronade of fun and frolic

0:07:110:07:17

from the lunatic fringe - Smoothey and Layton!

0:07:170:07:22

APPLAUSE

0:07:220:07:24

# I don't mind being here alone

0:07:300:07:37

# As long as I'm alone with you

0:07:380:07:44

# You're the kind I've tried hard to find

0:07:470:07:54

# You've made all my dreams come true... #

0:07:540:07:59

VOICE BREAKS

0:08:020:08:03

Ooh.

0:08:030:08:04

LAUGHTER

0:08:040:08:06

Oh, ladies and gents, I'm terribly sorry.

0:08:070:08:11

I do sincerely hope you'll forgive me.

0:08:110:08:13

Goodness knows what it was, but I must admit to you that I am feeling

0:08:130:08:16

a little nervous, a little excited, a little carried away this evening.

0:08:160:08:20

There is, of course, a very good reason for this, and...

0:08:200:08:22

MAN SHOUTS OUT LAUGHTER

0:08:220:08:25

Bless you, sir.

0:08:250:08:26

There is a good reason for this, and everybody backstage,

0:08:260:08:29

all the boys and girls in the show, have dared me

0:08:290:08:30

to come out and let you wonderful people into the secret.

0:08:300:08:33

Well, it's purely and simply this - that just a few moments ago,

0:08:330:08:35

Mr McPaulson, our manager,

0:08:350:08:36

rushed around the back to inform me that they received

0:08:360:08:39

a message to the effect that my wife, bless her heart,

0:08:390:08:44

has presented me with a bundle of joy.

0:08:440:08:46

APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

0:08:460:08:49

The laundry came back.

0:08:560:08:57

Thank you, maestro, and good e...

0:09:010:09:03

You should have seen your faces!

0:09:060:09:07

Especially Auntie Fanny down there!

0:09:090:09:12

-Smoothey, what are you doing here?

-Hello.

-Hello indeed.

0:09:120:09:15

Well, I just popped...

0:09:150:09:17

-Oh, dear.

-What?

-I just popped out to sing a song,

0:09:170:09:19

and tell all these nice people about the wife.

0:09:190:09:21

-Have you told them?

-Yes, yes.

0:09:210:09:22

-Well, just pop back again.

-Yes, sir.

0:09:220:09:24

Ladies and gentlemen, in my capacity as professor of music,

0:09:240:09:26

-I would like...

-Just a moment, just a moment.

0:09:260:09:28

-Sir, did you say you were a professor?

-Indeed, I did, yes.

0:09:280:09:30

Oh, good, well, look, professor - mummy bear had a baby bear,

0:09:300:09:32

but baby bear had no hair.

0:09:320:09:33

-What did they call him?

-What did they call him?

0:09:330:09:35

Fred Bear.

0:09:350:09:37

LAUGHTER

0:09:370:09:39

-If I can just have your indulgence...

-I said...

0:09:390:09:41

-The whole...

-Two bishops going to bed. Which one wears a nightdress?

0:09:450:09:48

I don't know.

0:09:480:09:49

Mrs Bishop, silly.

0:09:490:09:51

-Disregarding the...

-I...

0:09:560:09:57

What is the matter?

0:09:590:10:01

Do you know, I don't know?

0:10:010:10:03

-No...

-LAUGHTER

0:10:050:10:07

No, honestly, I don't know.

0:10:070:10:09

But it don't half hurt.

0:10:090:10:10

-Passing swiftly on...

-Ah, sir, before you pass on, erm, what...?

0:10:120:10:16

LAUGHTER

0:10:160:10:18

What's the difference between a cemetery and a bathroom?

0:10:180:10:20

What is the difference between a cemetery and a bathroom?

0:10:200:10:22

Nothing. When you've got to go, you've got to go.

0:10:220:10:25

I thank you for your indulgence, ladies and gentlemen.

0:10:370:10:39

We'll pass swiftly on to something which I feel...

0:10:390:10:42

The ma... The manager said if I behave meself this evening,

0:10:420:10:45

I could do me Shakespeare bit.

0:10:450:10:46

-Shakespeare bit?

-Yes, sir.

-What do you know about Shakespeare?

0:10:460:10:49

He's dead.

0:10:490:10:51

-You really want to do some Shakespeare?

-Yes, sir.

0:10:510:10:53

-Sir Laurence.

-Thank you.

0:10:530:10:54

Ladies and gentlemen, on this rather auspicious occasion,

0:10:540:10:57

I would like to do Richard III.

0:10:570:10:59

SCATTERED CHEERS

0:10:590:11:00

Did my ears deceive me, or did I hear sniggering among you?

0:11:040:11:08

Why do you snigger?

0:11:080:11:10

I was informed, on very good authority, you appreciated the arts.

0:11:100:11:14

Richard III.

0:11:140:11:16

Best of luck.

0:11:160:11:17

He sat...

0:11:200:11:22

He sat in the sheltered seat one night, upon a cigarette, alight.

0:11:250:11:30

-Shakespeare?

-Burns.

0:11:320:11:34

-Thank you again for your patience.

-Hey, just a minute.

0:11:380:11:40

We'll swing into my first number now...

0:11:400:11:42

Sir, sir, where did you get that from? Give us a go.

0:11:420:11:44

"Give us a go"? What do you know about music?

0:11:440:11:46

My neighbour, Mrs Stanthorpe, plays the fiddle and the flute.

0:11:460:11:49

BLOWS RASPBERRY

0:11:490:11:50

Plays the what?

0:11:510:11:53

-The fiddle and the flute.

-BLOWS RASPBERRY

0:11:530:11:56

Well, who wants to hear the fiddle and the flute?

0:11:560:11:58

BLOWS WEAK RASPBERRY

0:11:580:11:59

The fiddle and the flute what?

0:12:010:12:03

BLOWS WEAK RASPBERRY

0:12:060:12:07

Do you mean to tell me a man of your position can't...?

0:12:070:12:10

BLOWS RASPBERRY

0:12:100:12:11

-I possibly could, if I forced myself.

-Ooh, no, professor, please.

0:12:150:12:19

-Professor.

-What?

-What's the difference between...

0:12:230:12:25

-BLOWS ONE RASPBERRY

-..and...?

0:12:250:12:26

-BLOWS TWO RASPBERRIES

-I have no idea.

0:12:260:12:28

BLOWS RASPBERRY

0:12:280:12:29

Thank you again for your forbearance. My first number is...

0:12:320:12:35

Give me a go of your thing.

0:12:350:12:37

-"Give me a go of your thing".

-Your shiny thing.

0:12:370:12:41

If it is this to which you are referring,

0:12:410:12:42

what you should say is, "Excuse me", old boy.

0:12:420:12:46

What have you done?

0:12:460:12:48

-I haven't done anything.

-Oh.

-I am teaching you to enunciate.

0:12:500:12:53

-Is it painful?

-Yes.

0:12:530:12:55

-No!

-Well, give me a go of your thing, then.

0:12:550:12:57

-All right, take it, have a go.

-Thank you.

0:12:570:12:59

-Where's the other bit?

-Other bit? What other bit?

0:12:590:13:01

-The other part.

-What other part?

0:13:010:13:03

Ladies and gentlemen, a professor, and he says, "What other part?"

0:13:030:13:06

The bow.

0:13:060:13:07

You don't need a bow with that instrument.

0:13:100:13:11

You blow it with your mouth.

0:13:110:13:12

-You don't?

-You do.

-Oh.

0:13:120:13:14

-Now, do you blow the trumpet voluntary?

-Mm?

0:13:140:13:16

I said, do you blow the trumpet voluntary?

0:13:160:13:18

Oh, no, I charge a few bob.

0:13:180:13:19

I don't mean that! What are you going to blow?

0:13:200:13:22

-Eh?

-What are you going to blow of?

0:13:220:13:26

-"To blow of"?

-That's correct.

0:13:300:13:32

Ladies and gentlemen, it really does give me such great pleasure

0:13:340:13:37

to be in the position to blow of for you this evening...

0:13:370:13:39

LAUGHTER

0:13:390:13:41

..the new world Symphony Opus Number One,

0:13:410:13:44

and we "opus" how you like it.

0:13:440:13:45

It's in G-sharp minor.

0:13:450:13:47

There are variations on the theme in E-flat for left-handed foghorn,

0:13:480:13:52

and the piece is by "Shoshostokavich". Thank you.

0:13:520:13:56

-You're going to blow what?

-That's what I'm going to blow IN.

0:13:560:13:58

What comes OUT, I know nothing about.

0:13:580:14:01

APPLAUSE

0:14:030:14:06

-PLAYS NOTE

-Oh!

0:14:090:14:11

Pardon.

0:14:110:14:12

-I'm glad you brought that up.

-Aren't we all?

0:14:120:14:15

PLAYS COMPETENTLY

0:14:170:14:21

Who said there was no talent in the land?

0:15:020:15:04

Ladies and gentlemen, now,

0:15:040:15:05

here's a little number we can all get our teeth in.

0:15:050:15:07

What do you say we hear each and every voice? Thank you.

0:15:070:15:10

MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH

0:15:100:15:13

All together now!

0:15:160:15:18

# Oh, you beautiful doll... #

0:15:180:15:20

AUDIENCE JOINS IN

0:15:200:15:21

That's it! # You great big beautiful doll

0:15:210:15:25

# Let me put my arms about you... #

0:15:250:15:30

Well, how's this, then? How are you?

0:15:300:15:34

# Oh, you beautiful doll, you great big beautiful doll

0:15:340:15:40

# Oh, if you ever leave me, how my heart would ache,

0:15:400:15:45

# I want to hug you, but I fear you'd break

0:15:450:15:49

-# Oh

-Oh

0:15:490:15:50

-# Oh

-Oh

0:15:500:15:51

-# Oh

-Oh

0:15:510:15:52

-# Oh... #

-Oh, shut up!

0:15:520:15:54

APPLAUSE

0:15:590:16:03

Blimey, girls, me big end's gone!

0:16:100:16:12

BOTH: # Oh, you beautiful doll! #

0:16:130:16:19

Ladies and gentlemen,

0:16:380:16:40

last year, at the same festive season, young Patricia Bredin

0:16:400:16:47

brought the fragrance of spring to warm our wintry hearts.

0:16:470:16:53

Tonight, ladies and gentlemen, fresh from her triumphs

0:16:530:16:57

in the sphere of tableaux vivants... CROWD MURMURS

0:16:570:17:00

Moving pictures, my dear.

0:17:020:17:05

..Miss Bredin comes, as I'm sure our own beloved poet laureate

0:17:070:17:14

would have said, clothed in white samite.

0:17:140:17:18

Mystic, wonderful, Patricia Bredin!

0:17:180:17:23

# When I was a child at my mother's knee

0:17:300:17:34

# My mother sang words of wisdom to me

0:17:340:17:38

# She warned me of dangers down in the wood

0:17:380:17:43

# For not every stranger's kindly and good

0:17:430:17:46

# Till the right time comes

0:17:480:17:52

# Never fall for romantic illusion

0:17:520:17:57

# For it's all a snare and delusion

0:17:570:18:01

# Till the right time comes

0:18:010:18:06

# At school, I soon learned that boys carry books

0:18:060:18:10

# For cute little girls with pretty good looks

0:18:100:18:14

# Those schoolday romances thrilled me, but yet

0:18:140:18:19

# I never took chances I might regret

0:18:190:18:24

# At sweet 17, you learn very soon

0:18:240:18:29

# The lies men can tell when under the moon

0:18:290:18:33

# When soft words are spoken, wisdom departs

0:18:330:18:37

# Those same words have broken so many hearts

0:18:370:18:42

# Till the right time comes

0:18:420:18:47

# Never fall for romantic illusion

0:18:470:18:51

# For it's all a snare and delusion

0:18:510:18:56

# Till the right time comes

0:18:560:19:01

# What girl doesn't yearn for big city lights?

0:19:010:19:05

# The butterfly days and glamorous nights

0:19:050:19:10

# But when men start winking, though it seems nice

0:19:100:19:14

# It's safer to think of mother's advice

0:19:140:19:20

# The time hurries by, I patiently wait

0:19:200:19:24

# For love will arrive before it's too late

0:19:240:19:29

# No changing for new loves, no false alarms

0:19:290:19:33

# I'll wait till my true love's here in my arms

0:19:330:19:38

# Till the right time comes

0:19:380:19:42

# Never fall for romantic illusion

0:19:420:19:47

# For it's all a snare and delusion

0:19:470:19:51

# Till the right time comes

0:19:510:19:56

# Till the right time comes. #

0:19:560:20:04

APPLAUSE

0:20:040:20:08

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry to interrupt this charming performance,

0:20:130:20:17

but we do feel that as this hall has been positively hallowed as

0:20:170:20:21

a temple of veneration for Aphrodite by Mr Harry Joseph,

0:20:210:20:26

I should ask Miss Bredin for you all to oblige.

0:20:260:20:31

SOFT MUSIC PLAYS

0:20:310:20:34

LAUGHTER

0:20:370:20:39

SHE SIGHS

0:20:450:20:46

APPLAUSE

0:20:550:20:57

I'd like you to join in the next chorus with me.

0:21:000:21:03

# You are my honey, honeysuckle

0:21:060:21:11

# I am the bee

0:21:110:21:14

# I'd like to sip the honey sweet

0:21:140:21:18

# From these red lips, you see

0:21:180:21:22

# I love you dearly, dearly, and I want you to love me

0:21:220:21:30

# You are my honey, honeysuckle

0:21:300:21:34

# I am the bee. #

0:21:340:21:38

# Joshua, Joshua,

0:21:400:21:44

# Sweeter than lemon squash, you are

0:21:440:21:49

# Yes, by gosh you are, and you love me so

0:21:490:21:57

# Joshua, Joshua, sweeter than lemon squash, you are

0:21:570:22:05

# Oh, by gosh, you are

0:22:050:22:09

# Joshu-oshua. #

0:22:090:22:13

# Hold your hand out

0:22:160:22:18

# You naughty boy

0:22:180:22:20

# Hold your hand out, you naughty boy

0:22:200:22:24

# Last night, in the pale moonlight

0:22:240:22:28

# I saw you, I saw you

0:22:280:22:32

# With a nice girl in the park

0:22:320:22:35

# You were strolling full of joy

0:22:350:22:39

# And you told her you'd never kissed a girl before

0:22:390:22:43

# Hold your hand out, you naughty boy. #

0:22:430:22:46

-# Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow

-Bow-wow

0:22:530:22:57

-# Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow

-Bow-wow

0:22:570:23:01

# I've got a little cat, and I'm very fond of that

0:23:010:23:05

# But I'd rather have a bow-wow-wow

0:23:050:23:10

-# Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow

-Bow-wow

0:23:100:23:14

-# Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow

-Bow-wow

0:23:140:23:18

# I've got a little cat, and I'm very fond of that

0:23:180:23:21

# But I'd rather have a bow-wow-wow. #

0:23:210:23:24

# After the ball is over

0:23:290:23:34

# After the break of morn

0:23:340:23:39

# After the dancers leaving

0:23:390:23:43

# After the stars are gone

0:23:430:23:47

# Many a heart is aching

0:23:470:23:52

# If you could hear them all

0:23:520:23:56

# Many the hopes have vanished

0:23:560:24:01

# After the ball. #

0:24:010:24:09

APPLAUSE

0:24:090:24:14

Ladies and gentlemen... Oh, I beg your pardon.

0:24:290:24:32

SOFT PIANO MUSIC

0:24:330:24:35

Oh, what am I doing? I'm sorry.

0:24:380:24:40

Ladies and gentlemen, I am sorry, I nearly forgot myself. Erm...

0:24:400:24:44

Our next artiste is new to this particular programme, but

0:24:440:24:49

not new to your hearts, ladies and gentlemen, and he has, he informs me

0:24:490:24:54

and I know, several times afore, tickled your riseabilities.

0:24:540:24:59

Ladies and gentlemen... CROWD MURMURS

0:24:590:25:02

..tonight, he comes to this particular programme with the act

0:25:020:25:06

with which he first burst onto an astonished world several years ago,

0:25:060:25:11

at the Corn Exchange in Newark.

0:25:110:25:14

Ladies and gentlemen, we give you Cardew, the cad of the school.

0:25:140:25:20

APPLAUSE

0:25:200:25:23

Hello, chaps.

0:25:260:25:28

-Do you like the scarf?

-SHOUTS OF APPROVAL

0:25:280:25:30

I've got a long one, but that would look silly.

0:25:300:25:33

That reminds me -

0:25:330:25:35

# You will see by my scarf, you will see by my hat

0:25:350:25:38

# I belong to an old public school

0:25:380:25:40

# But my bat is not straight, and I don't play the game

0:25:400:25:43

# And I think that a sportsman's a fool

0:25:430:25:46

# So have no illusions, and I will hide not

0:25:460:25:49

# I'll tell you right now that I'm bad

0:25:490:25:51

# My name's not Caruthers, or Carstairs or Craig

0:25:510:25:54

# I'm Cardew, the old school cad

0:25:540:25:57

# Who played manly games and of cricket was fond?

0:25:570:26:01

# Not Cardew, the cad of the school

0:26:010:26:03

# Who, behind the pavilion, played games with a blonde?

0:26:030:26:06

# That was Cardew, the cad of the school!

0:26:060:26:09

# When sports day came round and the school took the track

0:26:090:26:12

# Who down by the river, stretched out on a mac

0:26:120:26:14

# Read a dirty French book with a bright yellow back?

0:26:140:26:17

# Cardew, the cad of the school

0:26:170:26:19

# Who thought that the school fancy dress dance was stupid?

0:26:230:26:26

# Cardew, the cad of the school

0:26:260:26:28

# Who took all his clothes off and turned up as Cupid?

0:26:280:26:31

# Cardew, the cad of the school

0:26:310:26:33

# Who cut the sports photographs out with a knife

0:26:330:26:36

# And stuck in the frames real art studies from life?

0:26:360:26:40

# Who was caught in the grounds with the headmaster's wife?

0:26:400:26:43

# Cardew, the cad of the school

0:26:430:26:45

# Who flogged the darts cup, to his lasting disgrace?

0:26:480:26:52

# Cardew, the cad of the school

0:26:520:26:54

# A bedroom utensil was stuck in its place...

0:26:540:26:57

# ..by Cardew, the cad of the school

0:27:010:27:04

# Who climbed up the flagstaff when no-one was there

0:27:040:27:07

# Took down the school flag, and left high in the air

0:27:070:27:10

# An intimate portion of feminine wear?

0:27:100:27:13

# Cardew, the cad of the school. #

0:27:130:27:15

I loved the old school. Dear old St Fanny's.

0:27:170:27:19

Divided into three houses -

0:27:230:27:24

Cookhouse, Washhouse, and Dosshouse.

0:27:240:27:26

There had been a fourth house, but it was burnt down.

0:27:280:27:30

Slaughterhouse.

0:27:370:27:39

Beautiful school, beautiful school.

0:27:400:27:42

Lovely situation - stands in a natural basin.

0:27:420:27:45

My room was just over the plughole.

0:27:450:27:48

Over the school door is the school crest. Lovely crest.

0:27:480:27:52

Two brass monkeys in fur coats.

0:27:520:27:54

When you went to the school, you might meet the headmaster,

0:27:580:28:01

Dr Jankers.

0:28:010:28:03

BA, BO, BF.

0:28:030:28:06

Remarkable man. Speaks three languages -

0:28:090:28:11

English, Yiddish, and Rubbish.

0:28:110:28:13

Very much loved by the school.

0:28:140:28:16

Only last week, he was presented with an illuminated address.

0:28:160:28:19

They set fire to his house.

0:28:190:28:21

I shall never forget the first time I met the headmaster.

0:28:230:28:25

I walked into his study. He was standing with his back to the fire,

0:28:250:28:28

airing his knowledge.

0:28:280:28:30

He turned round, he told me everything a boy should know,

0:28:320:28:35

all about the birds and the flowers.

0:28:350:28:37

Oh, it was marvellous.

0:28:370:28:39

When I get a bit older, I'm hoping to marry a nice geranium.

0:28:390:28:43

Matter of fact, we'd just had the school exams.

0:28:430:28:45

I got into awful trouble in Geography.

0:28:450:28:47

They asked me to give three uses of the Pennine Chain.

0:28:470:28:50

I could only think of one.

0:28:500:28:51

For my bicycle.

0:28:550:28:56

Matter of fact, I've got my report here,

0:28:580:29:00

and I'd like to read my report to you, if I can find it.

0:29:000:29:03

That's tonight's homework.

0:29:030:29:05

That's LAST night's homework.

0:29:070:29:10

I've left it behind, I think... Yes, here it is.

0:29:100:29:13

Here we are - my report.

0:29:130:29:16

"English - broken.

0:29:160:29:17

"History - murky.

0:29:190:29:21

"Language - filthy.

0:29:210:29:22

"Conduct - well up to criminal standard.

0:29:250:29:27

"Position in form - 12th. Number in form - 11.

0:29:280:29:31

"Form master's remarks - has retained his position with ease.

0:29:330:29:37

"Headmaster's remarks - this boy should go a long way.

0:29:390:29:43

"And the sooner, the better."

0:29:430:29:44

Never mind, it's not all work at St Fanny's. Not all work.

0:29:450:29:49

I loved the long summer evenings in the school quadrangle.

0:29:490:29:52

That's Latin for "back yard".

0:29:520:29:54

Nothing to be heard but some young, fresh, studious voice, remarking,

0:29:540:29:58

"You can't stick on 15."

0:29:580:29:59

While that went on, I sat in the corner making notes.

0:30:020:30:04

Ten shilling notes, pound notes...

0:30:040:30:07

But best of all, best of all,

0:30:070:30:09

the thing I love most about the school is the fact it's so historic.

0:30:090:30:12

You take the headmaster - please.

0:30:120:30:14

The headmaster's own bed was slept in by King Henry VIII.

0:30:160:30:19

And to this very day, you can still see the round mark

0:30:190:30:21

on the bedside carpet where he used to keep his crown.

0:30:210:30:24

LAUGHTER

0:30:240:30:26

As for me, I always do my best to live up to the school motto,

0:30:300:30:34

the old English motto which dates back to the early 12th century.

0:30:340:30:37

"It troubleth me not what happeneth to thee, Jack,

0:30:370:30:39

"I am all right."

0:30:390:30:42

My crowning exploit took place on the occasion

0:30:420:30:44

of the school tiddlywinks championship.

0:30:440:30:47

I was drawn against the headmaster's daughter.

0:30:470:30:49

And at the crucial moment, I tiddled when I should have winked.

0:30:490:30:52

LAUGHTER

0:30:520:30:54

The end of my shocking career, the end of my shocking career,

0:30:580:31:02

lies in the answer to this question -

0:31:020:31:05

who mixed dynamite in the chemistry class?

0:31:050:31:08

Cardew, the cad of the school.

0:31:080:31:09

And at last left the school through a large pane of glass?

0:31:090:31:13

Cardew, and some of the school.

0:31:130:31:15

Who, though he could never obtain a degree,

0:31:160:31:19

was as crafty and cunning as cunning could be?

0:31:190:31:23

And will end up, no doubt, a successful MP?

0:31:230:31:28

Cardew, the cad of the school!

0:31:280:31:32

APPLAUSE

0:31:320:31:34

Ladies and gentlemen, as the cognoscenti among you will know,

0:31:480:31:54

our sovereign has arranged a state visit from France for the New Year.

0:31:540:31:59

And we on this programme follow humbly in the regal footsteps

0:31:590:32:03

in bringing our next artiste from Europe.

0:32:030:32:06

Ladies and gentlemen, we present very proudly,

0:32:060:32:09

Grock's nephew,

0:32:090:32:11

the illustrious nephew of a peerless clown.

0:32:110:32:16

Noberti!

0:32:160:32:17

APPLAUSE

0:32:170:32:19

NOBERTI LAUGHS

0:32:270:32:29

I fall off, didn't I?

0:32:300:32:32

Acrobat!

0:32:530:32:54

Hup...hoo!

0:32:540:32:56

Huy....hoo!

0:32:560:32:57

Hee-yo!

0:32:590:33:01

Hee...

0:33:030:33:05

Yah.

0:33:050:33:06

It's not very simple to do that...

0:33:090:33:11

You go, hup!

0:33:110:33:12

Timber!

0:33:150:33:17

Tee...!

0:33:250:33:26

..imber...

0:33:280:33:30

Where's my hat?

0:33:300:33:32

Ha-ha! I lost my hat!

0:33:320:33:33

Hup!

0:33:330:33:35

Ho!

0:33:350:33:36

That's it! That's it!

0:33:550:33:56

APPLAUSE

0:33:560:33:58

Alley-up!

0:34:450:34:47

Alley-up!

0:34:480:34:50

Alley-up!

0:34:540:34:55

Alley-up, eh? Boom!

0:35:040:35:06

Boom...

0:35:070:35:09

Ah...

0:35:090:35:10

Aaahh...

0:35:100:35:12

Achoo!

0:35:120:35:13

APPLAUSE

0:35:130:35:15

APPLAUSE

0:35:460:35:48

Thank you!

0:35:500:35:51

He showed me!

0:36:030:36:05

Yeah!

0:36:100:36:11

There, much better...

0:36:240:36:26

Ow!

0:36:400:36:41

Hup!

0:37:050:37:06

Hey-hup, diddly-round, in there, eh?

0:37:110:37:14

I get paid for it, don't worry.

0:38:010:38:03

You look nice, you know.

0:38:050:38:07

You look very nice.

0:38:070:38:08

Help!

0:38:090:38:11

Help!

0:38:110:38:12

Heeeeelllp!

0:38:310:38:32

APPLAUSE

0:38:580:39:00

I think, ladies and gentlemen,

0:39:220:39:23

not to put too fine a physiological point on it,

0:39:230:39:26

we can congratulate Noberti on swivelling on his own apex.

0:39:260:39:31

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we go once again abroad,

0:39:310:39:36

and we bring you, in all the proud plenitude of her...

0:39:360:39:43

of her palpitating pulchritude,

0:39:430:39:46

we give you La Senorita Betty Jumel.

0:39:460:39:51

MUSIC: Toreador Song by Bizet

0:39:510:39:55

LAUGHTER

0:40:050:40:06

# Sirs, your toast

0:40:120:40:14

# A courteous answer claiming

0:40:140:40:16

# I lift the glass to soldiers gay and bold

0:40:160:40:19

# Toreros, like you, with courage naming... #

0:40:190:40:23

Ooh! Ha-ha-ha!

0:40:230:40:25

# See the circus, thronged with crowds of people

0:40:270:40:30

# The seats are filled, above, below

0:40:300:40:34

# Loud bells ring out

0:40:340:40:36

# From every steeple

0:40:360:40:38

# All the world has come

0:40:380:40:40

# Has come to the show! #

0:40:400:40:43

Ah-ha-ha.

0:40:430:40:44

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

0:40:440:40:45

Won't be a moment.

0:40:490:40:50

# Hark, what shouting

0:40:560:40:59

# What frenzied voices

0:40:590:41:00

# When the bull flies out with angry roar

0:41:000:41:05

# Ah...

0:41:050:41:06

# Sure of honour when the fight is o'er

0:41:080:41:10

# Look out!

0:41:100:41:11

# Beware!

0:41:110:41:12

# Take care

0:41:120:41:13

# Beware of... #

0:41:130:41:16

Aargh!

0:41:160:41:17

Ha, ha-ha-ha!

0:41:330:41:35

# Toreador, now guard thee

0:41:370:41:42

# Toreador, toreador...

0:41:420:41:45

# Bear thou in mind, when combat thee elates

0:41:450:41:49

# That bright eyes fondly regard thee

0:41:490:41:53

# For thee a fond heart waits, toreador

0:41:530:41:58

# For thee a fond heart waits. #

0:41:580:42:03

I shan't be a moment.

0:42:200:42:21

# Suddenly, there comes a silence

0:42:310:42:34

# There comes a silence

0:42:340:42:36

# Oh, what has happened now?

0:42:360:42:39

# All hearts are beating high

0:42:390:42:41

# All hearts are beating high

0:42:410:42:43

# Tis a mighty bull come rushing out of the Toril

0:42:430:42:46

# See, he flies

0:42:460:42:48

# His foe...

0:42:480:42:49

# ..with him, a picador

0:42:520:42:54

# Oh, trouble!

0:42:540:42:56

# Shout out the people

0:42:560:42:58

# On goes the bull, now here, now there

0:42:580:43:01

# Raging, he flies!

0:43:010:43:05

# And... #

0:43:050:43:06

LAUGHTER

0:43:060:43:09

APPLAUSE

0:43:170:43:19

# And maddened by the banderillos

0:43:290:43:32

# In frenzy, wild he fights

0:43:320:43:34

# The circus streams with gore

0:43:340:43:37

# Many, see, for safety climb the fences

0:43:370:43:40

# Look out, toreador!

0:43:400:43:44

# Beware

0:43:440:43:45

# Look out!

0:43:450:43:46

# Beware!

0:43:460:43:48

# Toreador, now guard thee

0:43:570:44:02

# Toreador, toreador

0:44:020:44:05

# Bear thou in mind, when combat thee elates

0:44:050:44:09

# Bright eyes fondly regard thee

0:44:090:44:13

# For thee a fond heart waits, toreador

0:44:130:44:18

# For... #

0:44:180:44:20

LAUGHTER

0:44:200:44:22

APPLAUSE

0:44:360:44:38

Who is he?

0:44:420:44:44

# For thee a fond

0:44:460:44:50

# Heart

0:44:500:44:52

# Waits! #

0:44:520:44:55

APPLAUSE

0:44:550:44:57

My ladies and gentlemen,

0:45:180:45:20

I think Mr Ainsworth and the boys will agree with me

0:45:200:45:23

that that was very Bizet.

0:45:230:45:25

And now...

0:45:250:45:27

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we redeem a pledge,

0:45:270:45:30

and give you, once again, the Manton Brothers!

0:45:300:45:34

APPLAUSE

0:45:340:45:35

# Though we have to do our job all day

0:45:400:45:44

# In a manner bright and gay

0:45:440:45:47

# We could make our work seem just like play

0:45:470:45:51

# If we could dance

0:45:510:45:54

# While on the roads that we repair

0:45:540:45:57

# Our dancing makes the people stare

0:45:570:46:00

# We'd do our job without a care

0:46:000:46:05

# If we could dance

0:46:050:46:07

# We'd dance all day while the gaffer is away

0:46:080:46:11

# Our soft-shoe is a treat

0:46:110:46:15

# And as we dig, dig

0:46:150:46:17

# Dig all day

0:46:170:46:19

# Our feet are always tapping out a beat

0:46:190:46:22

# When work is done, we're on the street

0:46:220:46:25

# Doing what comes naturally

0:46:250:46:29

# Oh, how happy we could be

0:46:290:46:33

# If we could dance. #

0:46:330:46:35

APPLAUSE

0:48:310:48:33

And now, ladies and gentlemen, to send you home happy,

0:48:420:48:45

for our final item tonight,

0:48:450:48:46

we reach to the top of the Christmas tree, and we give you,

0:48:460:48:49

ladies and gentlemen, two artistes who need no glass from me.

0:48:490:48:52

Ladies and gentlemen, in all pride, we present...

0:48:520:48:56

Morecambe and Wise!

0:48:560:48:58

APPLAUSE

0:48:580:49:00

-Thank you, thank you. Who's come on?

-I don't know.

0:49:030:49:05

Oh, it's us.

0:49:050:49:07

Hello, darling! Working? Oh, you're up there, aren't you?

0:49:070:49:10

Don't worry about that one, it's the wife.

0:49:110:49:14

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I must say how happy we are

0:49:140:49:16

to be appearing once again at the City Varieties, Leeds.

0:49:160:49:19

It really is wonderful to see all your happy, smiling faces.

0:49:190:49:21

-Happy, smiling...!

-LAUGHTER

0:49:210:49:23

As a matter of fact, the old place hasn't changed one little bit.

0:49:250:49:27

But don't you feel there's something missing?

0:49:270:49:29

OUTRAGEOUS TROMBONE NOTE

0:49:290:49:32

That's it.

0:49:320:49:33

Ah, but it's exciting in the theatre. The lights, the atmosphere!

0:49:340:49:37

-Is that what it is?

-Yes.

-I thought it was you.

-Ye... What do you mean?

0:49:370:49:39

-I'm getting a bit fed up with this stage lark.

-Fed up with it?

0:49:390:49:42

Well, I'd like to do something different. You know, like...

0:49:420:49:45

Go abroad, get a new job.

0:49:450:49:46

Where was that woman, there, when she was doing all that dancing?

0:49:460:49:49

-Where was she?

-I've got it.

-What?

0:49:490:49:50

-Spain.

-Is that where she was?

-Yes.

0:49:500:49:51

That's where I'd like to go, where it's hot.

0:49:510:49:53

-That's the place for you.

-Why?

0:49:530:49:55

Listen, you would make a marvellous bullfighter.

0:49:550:49:58

LAUGHTER

0:49:580:50:00

Yeah, you're a natural.

0:50:000:50:01

Listen, I'm going to make you the greatest bullfighter in the world.

0:50:010:50:05

-You're only saying that!

-No, I'm not.

0:50:050:50:07

-Well, somebody just did.

-Eh?

0:50:070:50:09

LAUGHTER

0:50:090:50:11

Now, we've got to dress you for the part. I mean, you must look right.

0:50:110:50:14

A right what?

0:50:140:50:16

LAUGHTER

0:50:160:50:18

A right bullfighter.

0:50:180:50:20

-Now, you're wearing a three-cornered hat.

-What for?

0:50:200:50:22

Your three-cornered head.

0:50:220:50:24

-What are you laughing at?

-I thought it was funny.

0:50:250:50:28

It so happens I have a three-cornered head.

0:50:280:50:30

Now, where do you get these hats?

0:50:320:50:34

LAUGHTER

0:50:340:50:36

You're wearing...

0:50:390:50:41

-A blue, velvet jacket.

-Pardon?

0:50:410:50:43

You're wearing a blue, velvet jacket, with a ruffled collar.

0:50:450:50:48

A spangled shirt with broderie anglaise cuffs.

0:50:480:50:51

Bright yellow pantaloons.

0:50:530:50:54

-Snug fitting.

-Hey...

0:50:560:50:58

White stockings and the most heavenly pair

0:51:000:51:02

-of black, patent shoes.

-Yeah.

0:51:020:51:04

-Now, what do you say to that?

-I won't have to say anything.

0:51:040:51:07

Dressed like that, I think everybody'll know.

0:51:080:51:10

LAUGHTER

0:51:100:51:12

-What are you going to call yourself?

-How about Elsie?

-No!

0:51:170:51:20

LAUGHTER

0:51:200:51:21

Choose a name, a bullfighting name.

0:51:260:51:28

-Arturo D Rodriguez Liquorice!

-Liquorice?

-Liquorice.

0:51:300:51:32

-That's not a name.

-Spanish, isn't it?

0:51:320:51:34

LAUGHTER

0:51:340:51:36

-Do I have to fight a bull?

-Fight a bull?

-Yeah.

0:51:380:51:41

-Not right away.

-Oh.

0:51:410:51:42

I mean, have you ever faced a bull?

0:51:420:51:44

-I came face-to-face with a ferocious bull once.

-Did it give you a start?

0:51:440:51:47

I didn't need one, I was off like lightning.

0:51:470:51:49

LAUGHTER

0:51:490:51:50

Now comes the great day.

0:51:540:51:56

The arena is packed to capacity.

0:51:570:52:00

-Is it full?

-Of course.

-Is it?

0:52:000:52:02

The people are all waiting for the greatest bullfighter in all Spain.

0:52:020:52:05

Ah, well, they won't need me now. I can go, then.

0:52:050:52:07

It's you they are waiting for.

0:52:070:52:09

Is it?

0:52:090:52:10

I can see you now, standing in the centre of the bullring.

0:52:100:52:13

All eyes are focused on you.

0:52:130:52:15

They are all waiting for you to do something.

0:52:150:52:18

LAUGHTER

0:52:180:52:20

They won't have to wait very long, will they?

0:52:220:52:25

Definitely not, because they know...

0:52:250:52:28

They know that you are a man of action!

0:52:280:52:30

-And actions speak louder than words?

-Yeah!

-Ha-ha!

0:52:300:52:33

It's a happy show, innit?

0:52:330:52:36

Now, suddenly, at one end of the arena,

0:52:360:52:38

there is a little cloud of dust as the bull rushes in.

0:52:380:52:40

At the other end of the arena, there's an even bigger cloud of dust as I rush out!

0:52:400:52:44

Followed by Jimmy and Ben.

0:52:440:52:45

-You're not afraid, are you?

-Afraid?

-Afraid?

-Yes.

-Oh.

0:52:500:52:53

-You are?

-Yeah.

0:52:530:52:55

What a magnificent animal that is. Just look at it.

0:52:550:52:58

-There it is, over there.

-My God, he's quick, ain't he?

-Yeah.

0:52:580:53:01

-Where is he now?

-Sat in that seat.

-Sitting Bull.

0:53:020:53:05

LAUGHTER

0:53:050:53:07

-He's asleep.

-Asleep?!

0:53:090:53:10

It's a bulldozer. Thank you!

0:53:100:53:11

LAUGHTER

0:53:110:53:13

Do you realise that bull weighs over two tonnes?

0:53:140:53:16

-That's a lot of bull.

-Yes.

0:53:160:53:18

-Now comes your supreme moment.

-I faint?

0:53:210:53:23

-No.

-No.

-The moment for the kill.

0:53:230:53:25

Just you and the bull, alone in the arena.

0:53:270:53:29

-Ole!

-You had me worried there.

0:53:320:53:34

LAUGHTER

0:53:340:53:36

-Ole!

-Ole!

-Congratulations.

-What have I done?

0:53:360:53:38

-You have just killed that bull with one masterstroke.

-Thank you.

0:53:380:53:41

-A magnificent effort. I'm very proud of you.

-I'm quick, aren't I?

-Oh, yes, very quick.

0:53:410:53:44

Poor old bull.

0:53:440:53:45

-You forgot that bit, didn't you?

-Yes.

0:53:470:53:50

-What's that?

-I said, you forgot that bit.

-No, no.

-Oh.

-Up there!

0:53:510:53:54

-What?

-In the box.

0:53:540:53:56

-Can you see him?

-No.

0:53:560:53:58

-It's... It is!

-Is it?

-Yes!

0:53:580:54:01

It's the president of the bullring.

0:54:010:54:03

-Can't he get down?

-He doesn't want to.

0:54:070:54:09

-Do you know what he's done?

-He hasn't, has he?

-Yes!

0:54:090:54:11

LAUGHTER

0:54:110:54:13

He has awarded you...

0:54:150:54:18

the ear of the bull.

0:54:180:54:19

Oh, this is indeed a great honour!

0:54:220:54:24

You must thank him in the old Spanish way.

0:54:240:54:27

Muchas gracias, senor!

0:54:300:54:31

# Muuuchas gracias! #

0:54:340:54:36

MOUTHING

0:54:380:54:40

ERNIE SNIGGERS

0:54:410:54:44

LAUGHTER

0:54:440:54:46

He's having a go, isn't he?

0:54:470:54:48

Muchas gracias!

0:54:500:54:51

Senor!

0:54:530:54:54

What about the workers?

0:54:550:54:57

LAUGHTER

0:54:570:54:58

Cuanta la gusta?!

0:55:010:55:02

Charlie Chaplin!

0:55:070:55:08

LAUGHTER

0:55:080:55:10

Viva Zapata!

0:55:130:55:14

With chips!

0:55:140:55:15

LAUGHTER

0:55:150:55:17

-Hey...

-What?

-Who's working you?

0:55:250:55:27

Now, you walk towards the president's box,

0:55:290:55:32

and you throw the ear of the bull to the president's beautiful daughter.

0:55:320:55:36

-She accepts it.

-I'm glad, because I wouldn't know what to do with it.

0:55:380:55:41

LAUGHTER

0:55:410:55:43

She looks down at you and smiles and says...

0:55:430:55:46

-I know what she says.

-What does she say?

0:55:460:55:47

"Hello, hello, hello - what's this 'ere?" Ha-ha!

0:55:470:55:50

LAUGHTER

0:55:500:55:52

BOTH: # Sleigh bells ring

0:55:540:55:55

# Are you listening?

0:55:550:55:57

# Down the lane

0:55:570:55:59

# Snow is glistening

0:55:590:56:01

# A beautiful sight

0:56:010:56:03

# We're happy tonight

0:56:030:56:05

# Walking in a winter wonderland

0:56:050:56:08

# Gone away is the bluebird

0:56:080:56:12

# Here to stay is a new bird

0:56:120:56:16

# He sings a love song

0:56:160:56:18

# As you go along

0:56:180:56:20

# Walking in a winter wonderland

0:56:200:56:22

# In the meadow you can see a snowman

0:56:240:56:28

# Then pretend that he is Parson Brown

0:56:280:56:31

# He'll say, "Are you married?" You'll say, "No, man,

0:56:310:56:35

# "But you can do the job when you're in town."

0:56:350:56:39

# Later on

0:56:390:56:40

# We'll conspire

0:56:400:56:42

# As we dream

0:56:420:56:44

# By the fire

0:56:440:56:47

# To face unafraid

0:56:470:56:49

# The plans that you've made

0:56:490:56:50

# Walking in a winter wonderland. #

0:56:500:56:53

Into the dance!

0:56:530:56:54

Altogether now!

0:57:280:57:29

APPLAUSE

0:57:440:57:45

Ladies and gentlemen, before we send you out to illuminated Leeds...

0:58:030:58:09

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw!

0:58:090:58:11

..and I mean lit up, we're going to ask Messers Morecambe and Wise

0:58:110:58:15

to lead the company and yourselves in The Old Bull And Bush.

0:58:150:58:18

Ladies and gentlemen, Morecambe and Wise, the entire company,

0:58:180:58:22

but this time, chiefly...

0:58:220:58:25

-ALL:

-Yourselves!

0:58:250:58:26

# Come, come

0:58:310:58:33

# Come and make eyes at me

0:58:330:58:35

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

0:58:350:58:37

# Da-da-da-da-da

0:58:370:58:38

# Come, come

0:58:380:58:40

# Come and drink wine with me

0:58:400:58:42

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

0:58:420:58:46

# See the little German band

0:58:460:58:48

# Da-da-da-da-da

0:58:480:58:50

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

0:58:500:58:54

# Come, come

0:58:540:58:56

# Come and have a drink or two

0:58:560:58:58

# Down at the old Bull and Bush. #

0:58:580:59:03

APPLAUSE

0:59:030:59:05

A Christmas edition of the old time music hall programme, first broadcast on 26 December 1959. Featuring Morecambe & Wise, Patricia Bredin, Cardew Robinson, Smoothey & Layton, Noberti, Betty Jumel and the Manton Bros.


Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS