03/02/1977 The Good Old Days

BAND STRIKES UP

ALL: # I'll be your sweetheart

# If you will be mine

# All my life

# I'll be your Valentine

# Bluebells I've gathered

# Keep them and be true

# When I'm a man, my plan

# Will be to marry you. #

CHEERING

BAND PLAYS FANFARE

CHEERING

CHEERING

Once again...

good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING

-Kaleidoscopically...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..for your gregarious gratification...

the resplendencies of the absolutely indispensable...

Players Theatre!

CHEERING

# Put on your ta-ta, little girlie

# Do, do what I want you to

# Far from the busy hurly-burly

# I've got lots to say to you

-GIRLS:

-# My head's completely twirly-whirly

-BOYS:

-# My gal I want you to be

# So put on your ta-ta, your pretty little ta-ta

# And come on and ta-ta with me! #

# On Mother Kelly's doorstep

# Down Paradise Row

# I'd sit along o' Nelly

# She'd sit along o' Joe

# She'd got a little hole in her frock

# Hole in her shoe, hole in her sock

# Where her toe peeped through

# Ah, but Nelly was

# The smartest down our alley

# On Mother Kelly's doorstep

# I'm a-wondering now

# If li'l girl Nelly

# Remembers Joe, her beau

# And does she love me

# Like she used to

# On Mother Kelly's doorstep

# Down Paradise Row? #

# Wait till the sun shines, Nellie

# When the clouds go drifting by

# We will be happy, Nellie

# Don't you sigh

# Down Lovers' Lane we'll wander

# Sweethearts you and I

# Wait till the sun shines, Nellie

# By and by

# Wait till the sun shines, Nellie

# When the clouds go drifting by

# We will be happy, Nellie

# Don't you sigh

# Down Lovers' Lane we'll wander

# Sweethearts you and I

# Wait till the sun shines, Nellie

# By and by! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

An ingenious ornithological...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

That's to do with birds, sir.

..ostentation of verisimilitudinous vocal vivification...

CHEERING

..Mr Keith Harris!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE LAUGHS

Thank you, thank you very much indeed. Hello, good evening.

Ladies and gentlemen, you'll never believe this.

Honestly, I've just been accosted at the stage door by a bird.

-Ooh!

-Yes! Yes.

As I got out of my carriage, this bird said to me, "Mr Harris,"

he said, "Can you help me get into show business?"

I said, "Well, what have you got to offer?"

In the way of talent, that is, of course.

And do you know, I was so overwhelmed with what I heard,

ladies and gentlemen, I've asked this bird to appear before you

this evening.

So if you'll excuse me, I'll just bring...

-Can you come out?

-I can't.

-Pardon?

-I-I-I can't come out. I'm shy.

-What do you mean, you're shy?

Just come out here. Just come out here and have a look.

-Come on.

-I-I... They'll look at me.

-Come on.

Come out. I'll tell you what, we'll go down here and see everybody.

-Now, he's very, very shy, you see. AUDIENCE:

-Awww!

-No, please.

If I can just bring him down, you see, because...

-Awww!

-I know! Now turn round and have a look.

I...

I can't.

-Yes, you can. You can have a look.

-I-I can't. They'll laugh at me.

They won't laugh. Turn round and have a look.

Awww!

-They're laughing.

-Oh, look, it's all right.

Please. Now come on, turn round, because now you're in show business.

-I-I'm in show business?

-Yes.

-Yes?

-Yes!

That's right! You're in show business.

Now, the people are laughing with you and not at you.

-They're laughing with me?

-Yes.

Ha-ha-ha!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-They're laughing with me!

-That's right!

-Ha-ha-ha!

-What's your...?

-Ha!

-What's your name?

-Pardon?

-What's your name?

-Orville.

-Orville.

-Yes.

-Oh, I see, Orville.

What are you going to do for the ladies and gentlemen this evening?

-I'm going to do my impressions.

-Your impressions?

-Yes.

-Oh, I see. Yes.

-Yeah.

Yes. Who are you going to do an impression of?

-Percy Edwards.

-Percy...

-Ha-ha-ha! They're laughing with us. Ha-ha-ha.

-Yes, it's good.

Listen, how about flying round the auditorium, do some aerobatics?

-I-I'd like to.

-You'd like to?

-But I-I...

No. No whoopsies, no.

I...

Why not?

I-I can't fly.

Aww!

Now, see, it's all right taking the mickey, but you can't fly?

-I-I can't fly.

-But how did you get here from London?

I walked.

Well, listen, Orville, I'm going to teach you to fly.

I mean, with a name like yours, you should be able to fly, Orville.

-That's right.

-That's right.

-Yes.

-Yeah.

I want you just to flap your wings. There we are.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There we are. Now look at this.

Believe it or not, Orville, yes, indeed,

I'm going to take my hand away! Look at that! Wahey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Yeah!

-I took my hand away.

It's a good job you didn't take your other hand away, wasn't it?

-Well...

-Yeah!

-There, that's marvellous.

Now you feel happy, you can tell all your friends that you can fly.

-I can't do that, no.

-Well, why not?

I haven't got any friends.

Awww!

-You haven't got any friends?

-No! I've... Nobody loves me.

-Awww!

Awww, I'm sure they do.

I mean, don't the other little birds love you?

-They don't talk to me.

-They don't talk to you?

I'm a funny colour.

-Well, it's not easy being green.

-Isn't it really?

-I-I'll tell you all about it.

-All right, tell us all about it.

-You won't laugh?

-I won't laugh.

# It's not that easy being green

# Having to spend each day the colour of the leaves... #

Yes.

# When I think it could be nicer

# Being red or yellow or gold

# Or something colourful like that... #

-Like that.

-Mm...

# It's not easy being green

# Well, you seem to blend in with so many other ordinary things... #

-Yes.

-# And people tend to pass you over

# Cos you're not sticking out like sparklers on the water

# Or stars in the sky

# But green is the colour of spring... #

That's true.

# And green can be cool and friendly-like... #

-Friendly-like?

-That's right!

-# Green can be big like the ocean... #

-Yes!

# Or important, like a mountain

# Or tall... #

-Tall?

-Very tall.

-Like a tree?

Like a tree.

# When green is all there is to be

# Well, well, it can make you wonder why

# But why wonder, why wonder?

# I am green, and that'll do fine

# It's beautiful

# And I think that's what I want to be. #

-Being green.

-Yeah.

Ahhh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey!

Superabundant in superstructural superbities...

Ooh!

You'll see what I mean presently.

..mercurially minuscule in a metropolitan medley...

your own Miss Barbara Windsor!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# London is a little bit of all right

# Nobody can really deny that's true

# Bow Bells, big bells, up to the Heath and down again

# And if you should visit the monkeys in the zoo

# Bring a banana!

# Feed the ducks in Battersea Park and take a trip to Kew

# It only costs a tenner there and back

# See our lads in the Palace yard

# Troop the Colour and change the guard

# And don't forget your brolly and your mac

# And I'll mention

# London is London

# Is anyone in doubt about it?

# Nowhere's like London

# Forgive me if I shout about it

# You can have Paris

# Or Venice or Rome

# But London is London

# Is England

# Is home. #

# Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner

# That I love London so

# Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner

# That I think of her wherever I go

# Oh, I get a funny feeling inside of me

# Just walking up and down

# Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner

# That I love London town

# Oh, I get a funny feeling inside of me

# Just walking up and down

# Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner

# That I love London, dear old London

# I love London town! #

CHEERING

Carrying all before her.

Ooh!

Circumambulatory in parapolysyllabic periphrasis...

Ooh!

Excuse me!

-Excuse me.

-I'm in the middle of an introduction!

Excuse me.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Yes, excuse me.

Is this the way to the talent competition, Mr, er...?

No, it is not. This is a fully fledged professional performance,

and I don't know what you're doing here.

Well, I was told it was a talent show, and I've come on...

AHAHA! Get down!

I'm ever so sorry about this,

because they told me it was a talent show.

-Have you seen me tap-dance?

-No...

-Well, you're going to.

Look at that.

HE HUMS A TUNE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Is that all right, Mr Chairman?

I tell you what, I do bird impressions.

Do you want to see a chicken?

You'll like this.

HE CLUCKS LIKE A CHICKEN

HE SQUAWKS

Go lay an egg!

I can't, I'm a cock bird!

HE CLUCKS

HE CROWS

By Jove!

Mr Chairman, have you seen me do me duet?

I do a duet all by meself.

So I'd like to do a duet for you, if you don't mind,

ladies and gentlemen. A little song. It's a very, very old song,

and it is called My Hero, from The Chocolate Soldier.

# Lost my heart to you!

HIGH VOICE: # I have a true and noble lover

# He is my sweetheart, all my own

# His like on earth who shall discover?

# His heart is mine and mine alone... #

HE LAUGHS LIKE WOODY WOODPECKER

DEEP VOICE: # We pledged our troth each to the other

# And for our happiness I pray

# Our lives belong to one ano... #

HE CLUCKS LIKE A CHICKEN

HIGH VOICE: # Oh, happy, happy wedding day

# Oh, happy, happy wedding day... #

I feel a fool.

K-k-k-k-k!

K-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k!

K-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k-k!

K-k-k-k-k-k-k-k!

DEEP VOICE: # K-k-k-k-come, come, I want you only

# My love is true

HIGH VOICE: # Come, come, my life is lonely

# I yearn for you

DEEP VOICE: # Come, come, naught can efface you

HIGH VOICE: # My arms are aching now to embrace you

# Come here, be mine... #

HE INHALES

DEEP VOICE: # Come

HIGH VOICE: # Come

STILL IN HIGH VOICE: # I want you only

DEEP VOICE: # Come, hero mine! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Appearing in versatile virtuosity, from operatic...

Ooh!

..from operatic arias to limpid lyricism...

Ooh!

..crystalline in clarity, welcome back

to Miss Valerie Masterson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SHE SINGS A HIGH MELODY

# I would linger

# In this daydream

# That enthrals me

# Thus at twilight

# Sweet and happy

# Does this day seem

# Born of bliss

# And beauty bright

# I would linger

# In this daydream

# Born of bliss

# And beauty bright, ah

# Sweet and happy

# Does this day seem

# Born of bliss

# And beauty bright

# Beauty bright!

# But this treasure

# Youth's sole measure

# Bloometh, soon 'tis dead

# After greeting

# Follows weeping

# Love cometh

# Peace hath fled

# Love cometh

# Love cometh...

# Ah, peace hath fled

# I would linger

# In this daydream

# Born of bliss

# And beauty bright, ah

# Sweet and happy

# Does this day seem

# Born of bliss

# And beauty bright

# Far from the cold world's sorrow

# Let me rest

# Let me rest in my dreams

# Leave to stern fate the morrow

# While the roses bloom

# And youth sheds its perfume

# Sweet and happy

# Oh, sweet and happy

# Ever is youth's dream

# So sweet and fair. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# All through the night

# There's a little brown bird singing

# Singing in the hush

# Of the darkness and the dew

# Singing in the hush

# Of the darkness and the dew

# Would that his song

# Through the stillness could go winging

# Could go a-winging

# To you

# To you

# All through the night-time

# My lonely heart is singing

# Sweeter songs of love

# Than the brown bird ever knew

# Sweeter songs of love

# Than the brown bird ever knew

# Would that my song

# Through the stillness could go winging

# Could go a-winging

# To you

# To you

# All through the night-time

# My lonely heart is singing

# Sweeter songs of love

# Than the brown bird ever knew. #

CHEERING

-Apotheotic thaumaturgical...

-Ooh!

..thespianism...

Ooh!

Theatrical magic!

You're welcome. ..Marvo and Dolores!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

WOLF WHISTLE FROM AUDIENCE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

The glove.

-Eh?

-The glove.

Oh!

WOLF WHISTLE FROM AUDIENCE

SHE CHUCKLES

WOLF WHISTLE FROM AUDIENCE

Will you stop prancing around?!

-Eh?

-Will you stop prancing around?!

Well, you told me to distract.

Not in the middle of a trick, you silly cow!

Don't you talk to me like that. I'm not your wife, y'know.

I'm only living with yer.

Er...the wand!

Where are the rest of the scarves?

Well, they're in the wash, cos they were filthy.

BAND FLOURISH

-Distract, distract!

-Yeah, yeah!

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG TO MUSIC

The dove! Where's the dove?

Well... Well, I let it out, cos it's cruel!

-What am I going to do now?

-Oh, I dunno, you're the bleedin' magician.

You should know.

-The box! In the box!

-I don't like that box.

-Go on, in the box.

SHE SHRIEKS

APPLAUSE

More! More!

You CAN'T have an encore to that!

Awww!

That was Mr Fred Evans,

and that WAS Miss Barbara Windsor.

Or didn't you guess?

Emulatory homage to that magical harbinger

of melodious hilarity...

Ooh!

..our own Gracie Fields...

once more, the Players Theatre,

and Miss Jan Hunt!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ALL: # Sing as we go And let the world go by

# Singing a song We'll march along the highway

# Say goodbye to sorrow

# There's always tomorrow To think of today

# Sing as we go Although the skies are grey

# Beggar or king You've got to sing a gay tune

# A song and a smile Making life worthwhile

# So sing as we go along. #

# Little old lady passing by

# Catching everyone's eye

# You have such a charming manner

# Sweet and shy

# Little old bonnet set in place

# And a smile on your face

# You're a perfect picture

# In your lavender and lace. #

# Sally, Sally

# Don't ever wander

# Away from the alley

# And me

# Sally, Sally

# Marry me, Sally

# And happy forever I'll be

# Oh, when skies are blue you're beguiling

# When they are grey you're still smiling

# Ooh-ooh

# Sally, Sally

# Pride of our alley

# You're more than the whole world

# To me. #

Whoa!

# Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye

# Cheerio, here I go, on my way

# Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye

# With a cheer, not a tear, make it gay

# Give me a smile I can keep all the while

# In my heart while I'm away

# Till we meet once again, you and I

# Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye

# Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye

# Cheerio, here I go, on my way

# Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye

# Give a cheer, not a tear, make it gay

# And give me a smile I can keep all the while

# In my heart while I'm away

# Till we meet once again, you and I

# Wish me luck

# As you wave me

# Goodbye! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

There's just time now to ask Miss Barbara Windsor to lead the

company and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Barbara Windsor, the entire company,

Mr Bernard Herrmann and the entire and many-faceted orchestra...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..but this time, chiefly...

Yourselves!

ALL: # Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Da-da da-da-da

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band Da da-da da-da-da-da

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Do, do, come and have a drink or two

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Bush, Bush! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG