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24/02/1977 The Good Old Days

24/02/1977

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MUSIC: Daddy Wouldn't Buy Me A Bow-Wow

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# Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow

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# Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow

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# I've got a little cat

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# And I'm very fond of that

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# But I'd rather have a bow-wow

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# Wow, wow, wow, wow

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# Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow

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# Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow

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# I've got a little cat

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# And I'm very fond of that

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# But I'd rather have a bow-wow-wow. #

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FANFARE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING

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Once again...

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good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

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-AUDIENCE:

-Good evening!

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Metropolitanism...

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AUDIENCE EXCLAIM

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..in munificently mellifluous miscellany...

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AUDIENCE EXCLAIM

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Ladies and gentlemen, the Players' Theatre!

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MUSIC: Wotcher! (Knocked 'Em In The Old Kent Road)

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-ALL:

-Wotcher!

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# "Wotcher," all the neighbours cried

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# "Who you gonna meet, Bill? Have you bought the street, Bill?"

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# Laugh? I thought I should've died

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# Knocked 'em in the Old Kent Road... #

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All together now!

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# "Wotcher," all the neighbours cried

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# "Who you gonna meet, Bill? Have you bought the street, Bill?"

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# Laugh? I thought I should've died

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# Knocked 'em in the Old Kent Road. #

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Wotcher!

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# My old man said, "Follow the van

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# "And don't dilly dally on the way"

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# Off went the van with me home packed in it

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# I walked behind with me old cock linnet

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# And I dillied and dallied

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# Dallied and dillied

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# Lost me way and don't know where to roam

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# Oh, you can't trust the specials like the old-time copper

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# When you can't find your way home. #

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# We've been together now for 40 years

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# And it don't seem a day too much

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# There ain't a lady living in the land

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# As I'd swap for my dear old Dutch

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# There ain't a lady living in the land

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# As I'd swap for my dear old Dutch. #

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# Boiled beef and carrots

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# Boiled beef and carrots

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# That's the stuff for your darby-kell

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# Makes you fat and it keeps you well

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# Don't live like vegetarians

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# On food they give to parrots

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# From morn' till night blow out your kite

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# On boiled beef and carrots

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# I like pickled onions

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# I like piccalilli

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# Pickled cabbage is all right

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# With a bit of cold meat on Sunday night

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# I can grow tomatoses but what I do prefer

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# Is a little bit of cu-cum

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# Cu-cum, cu-cum

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# Little bit of cucumber

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# Any old iron? Any old iron?

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# Any, any, any old iron?

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# You look neat, talk about a treat

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# You look dapper from your napper to your feet

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# Dressed in style, brand-new tile

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# And your father's old green tie on

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# But I wouldn't give you tuppence for your old watch chain

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# Old iron, old iron

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-# Boiled beef and carrots

-Any old iron? Any old iron?

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-# Boiled beef and carrots

-Any, any, any old iron?

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-# You look neat, talk about a treat

-That's the stuff for your darby-kell

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-# You look dapper from your napper to your feet

-Makes you fat and it keeps you well

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-# Dressed in style, brand-new tile

-Don't live like vegetarians

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-# And your father's old green tie on

-On food they give to parrots

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-# But I wouldn't give you tuppence for your old watch chain

-Morn' till night, blow out your kite

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-# Old iron, old iron

-On boiled beef and carrots

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# Da-da-da-da-la-la Da-da-da-da-la-la

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# Da-da-da-da-la-la That's us! #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Ebullient in buoyancy...

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AUDIENCE EXCLAIM

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..provocative in piquancy...

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AUDIENCE EXCLAIM

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Welcome to Miss Anna Sharkey!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# Once there lived a very martial maid

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# The only daughter of the Grand Duke, she

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# By her nurse in uniform arrayed

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# She was a soldier at the age of three

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# Day by day, the small princess paraded

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# In a helmet of Papa's

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# She was there upon the barrack square

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# As captain of the 55th Hussars

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# She was the captain of the Crimson Hussars

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# She wore a shoulder strap with three silver stars

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# Shaken with doors and hoops

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# Shame filled the household troops

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# She was the captain of the Crimson Hussars

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# Full of pride was every soldier's breast

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# When he beheld his baby captain's smile

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# Officers obeyed her least behest

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# She was the darling of the rank and file

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# At the age of ten she earned promotion

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# Barracks rang with loud hurrahs

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# When that pet appeared in the gazette

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# As major of the 55th Hussars

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# She was the major of the Crimson Hussars

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# She wore an eyeglass and smoked chocolate cigars

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# Veterans and raw recruits

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# Gave her the best salutes

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# She was the major of the Crimson Hussars

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# Later on, when she was 17

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# She took command of that heroic band

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# Victories like hers were never seen

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# Her charms were such the folk would well withstand

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# Every heart that by her glance was wounded

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# Gloried in such well-earned scars

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# Every eye was captivated by

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# The colonel of the 55th Hussars

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# She was the colonel of the Crimson Hussars

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# When on the battlefield her eyes shone like stars

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# As with her cheeks aglow

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# She vanquished every foe

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# She was the colonel of the Crimson Hussars. #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Inordinate instrumental inexhaustibility...

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AUDIENCE EXCLAIM

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Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Marti Stuart!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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My, my, my!

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One, two.

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BUGLE STOPS PLAYING

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you very much.

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I will now, with the help of this little piece of rubber...hose...

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AUDIENCE GROAN

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..endeavour to give you an impression.

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This is my impression, ladies and gentlemen,

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of a Boys' Brigade bugle band.

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Company...

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Company, atten-tion.

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Company...

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by the left.

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Quick march.

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MAKES TRUMPET SOUND

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DRUMROLL

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TRUMPET AND DRUMROLL CONTINUES

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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FASTER DRUMROLL

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you very much.

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A little instrument called a tuba-phone.

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I hope you know the words to this particular tune.

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If so, please join in. Three, four...

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MUSIC STARTS

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MUSIC DROWNS OUT SINGING

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Absolutely wonderful. It's your turn now. Thank you very much.

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MUSIC STARTS

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Let's see you all sing now.

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# La, la, la, la, la, la... #

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Bless them all!

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# Bless 'em all!

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# The long and the short and the tall

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# Bless all the Sergeants and WO1s

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# Bless all the corporals and their blinkin' sons...

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# Cos we're saying goodbye to 'em all

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# And back to their billets they crawl

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# You'll get no promotion this side of the ocean

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# Cheer up, my lads

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# Bless 'em all! #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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APPLAUSE CONTINUES

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The acne...

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-FROM AUDIENCE:

-Mr Hall.

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The zenith of esoteric, cultural...

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AUDIENCE HECKLES

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..indoctrination. That redoubtably, indomitable...

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duplicity...

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CHEERING

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Doctor Evadne Hinge and Dame Hilda Bracket!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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INTRODUCTION MUSIC

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THEY LAUGH

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-Oh, thank you very much indeed.

-Isn't that nice?

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Oh, wasn't that nice? Yes, yes. Very nice indeed.

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Thank you for bringing us on so nicely, Mr Helmet. Thank you, yes.

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LAUGHTER

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-All right, dear?

-Yes, I'm very well, thank you.

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Well, now, I must say this is really wonderful for the doctor and

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myself to be back here with you all this evening.

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You all look splendid, don't you?

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-They do...

-So colourful.

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Makes me feel quite shabby. However...

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LAUGHTER

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What we thought would be rather nice this evening would be

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to give you a little piece of Gilbert and Sullivan.

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-Now...

-LOUD CHEERING

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HILDA LAUGHS

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We shall have to decide which piece, shan't we? Now, what is...?

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What we have actually chosen for you

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is a lovely song from The Gondoliers.

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Oh, 'tis a glorious thing I ween.

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To be a regular royal queen.

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GENTLE LAUGHTER

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PIANO MUSIC STARTS

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# Then one of us will be a queen

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# And sit on a golden throne

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# With a crown instead of a hat on her head

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# And diamonds all her own!

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# With a beautiful robe of gold and green

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# I've always understood... #

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Lovely note, isn't it?

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-Well, the acoustics here are very nice, you know.

-Yes, I know.

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And you see, I've got one coming up in a minute.

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LAUGHTER

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God moves in a mysterious way.

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LAUGHTER

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# I wonder whether she'd wear a feather? #

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-I wonder.

-Yes...

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HILDA LAUGHS

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# I rather think she should!

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# Oh...

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# Tis a...

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# Glorious thing, I ween, to be a regular royal queen!

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# No half and half affair I ween, no half and half affair,

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# But a right down regular, regular, regular, regular royal queen!

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LOWER KEY

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LAUGHTER

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# She'll ride about in a carriage and pair

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# With the king on her left-hand side

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# With a milk white horse As a matter of course

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# Whenever she wants to ride!

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# With beautiful silver shoes to wear... #

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Oh...

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-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-# Upon her dainty feet... #

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That's the other lovely note, you see.

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LAUGHTER

0:15:530:15:54

-NOTE CONTINUES

-Pretty, isn't it?

0:15:550:15:57

Very nice indeed. Very nice, thank you.

0:15:570:16:00

Lovely, dear. Thank you very much.

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NOTE STOPS AND LAUGHTER

0:16:040:16:05

Very reminiscent of Lilian Bayliss, I thought.

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She didn't sing though.

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LAUGHTER

0:16:140:16:16

# And endless stocks of beautiful frocks

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# And as much as she wants to eat!

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# Oh...

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-IN HARMONY

-# Oh...

-# Oh...

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-LOW KEY

-# Oh!

0:16:270:16:29

# Tis a...

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# Glorious thing I ween to be a regular royal queen!

0:16:310:16:34

# No half and half affair I ween, no half and half affair

0:16:340:16:37

# But a right down regular, regular, regular, regular royal queen!

0:16:370:16:41

# Oh...

0:16:410:16:42

# Tis glorious thing I ween to be a regular royal queen!

0:16:420:16:46

# A right down regular royal...

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# Royal...

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# Queen! #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:16:560:16:58

Oh... Bless you.

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I think really, you know, as you're all in such wonderful form,

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I think really we should do something now

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where we can ask you to join in. Would you like that?

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AUDIENCE: Yes!

0:17:260:17:28

The song we have chosen, we won't tell you what it's called,

0:17:280:17:31

but we think you'll know it. In fact, we're sure you will,

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cos we've all sang it at school, I think. What a pretty hat.

0:17:330:17:37

LAUGHTER

0:17:370:17:38

-Very nice, dear.

-HILDA LAUGHS

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-Lot of work in that...

-LAUGHTER

0:17:410:17:42

What...

0:17:420:17:44

Well, then there's no more... Ooh! And Mr, erm...

0:17:480:17:51

-Berman, what we would like to do...

-LAUGHTER

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..is if we could have the use of you and your instruments, sort of...

0:17:540:17:58

Yes, oh, thank you!

0:17:580:18:00

-Nice man, isn't he?

-Yes, sweet man.

-Funny he's never married.

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-Well...

-LOUD LAUGHTER

0:18:050:18:07

PIANO MUSIC STARTS

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LAUGHTER

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# Land of hope and glory

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-# Mother of the free...

-Mother of the free...

0:18:240:18:28

# How shall we extol thee

0:18:300:18:35

# Who are born of thee? #

0:18:350:18:40

Wider still, and wider!

0:18:400:18:42

# Wider still, and wider

0:18:420:18:47

# Shall thy bounds be set

0:18:470:18:52

# God who made thee mighty

0:18:540:19:00

# Make thee mightier yet!

0:19:000:19:04

# God who made thee mighty

0:19:060:19:11

# Make thee mightier yet

0:19:110:19:16

# Land of hope and glory

0:19:180:19:23

# Mother of the free...

0:19:230:19:28

MUSIC DROWNS LYRICS

0:19:300:19:35

# Wider still, and wider

0:19:420:19:47

# Shall thy bounds be set

0:19:470:19:51

# God who made thee mighty

0:19:540:19:59

# Make thee mightier yet!

0:20:000:20:06

# God who made thee mighty

0:20:060:20:12

# Make thee...

0:20:120:20:16

# Mightier...

0:20:160:20:20

# Yet! #

0:20:210:20:24

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:250:20:29

DRAMATIC MUSIC

0:20:310:20:33

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:410:20:43

High altitude-iness...

0:20:530:20:55

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:20:550:20:57

Transcendental intrepidity...

0:20:570:21:00

Vertiginously vortiginous...

0:21:010:21:04

Virtuosity...

0:21:060:21:08

Miss Engalisa!

0:21:080:21:11

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:110:21:12

ENTRANCE MUSIC PLAYS

0:21:120:21:14

APPLAUSE

0:21:570:22:00

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:22:090:22:12

MUSIC RESUMES

0:22:120:22:14

CYMBAL

0:23:010:23:03

APPLAUSE

0:23:030:23:05

CYMBAL

0:23:470:23:48

APPLAUSE

0:23:480:23:50

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:020:24:05

DRUMROLL

0:24:090:24:11

APPLAUSE

0:24:290:24:31

DRUMROLL CONTINUES

0:24:310:24:34

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:24:370:24:40

MUSIC RESUMES

0:24:440:24:47

DRUMROLL

0:25:110:25:14

APPLAUSE

0:25:190:25:21

DRUMROLL CONTINUES

0:25:210:25:23

APPLAUSE FADES

0:25:280:25:30

DRAMATIC MUSIC AND APPLAUSE

0:25:350:25:38

GENTLE MUSIC

0:25:420:25:45

APPLAUSE

0:25:550:25:58

CYMBAL AND FINALE MUSIC

0:26:110:26:15

APPLAUSE

0:26:180:26:19

Unequivocally...

0:26:220:26:24

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:26:240:26:26

Unique, bewitchingly breathless blandishments

0:26:260:26:31

of that phenomenally

0:26:310:26:33

far-fabled...

0:26:330:26:36

LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

0:26:360:26:38

It's those Fs.

0:26:380:26:40

LAUGHTER

0:26:400:26:42

Femme fatale!

0:26:420:26:44

CHEERING

0:26:440:26:45

Miss Fenella Fielding!

0:26:450:26:47

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:470:26:50

# Only a glass of champagne

0:26:560:27:00

# But it led a poor girl into sin

0:27:000:27:05

# Only a glass of champagne

0:27:050:27:10

# Was the door where the devil crept in...

0:27:100:27:14

MUSIC STOPS

0:27:160:27:18

LAUGHTER

0:27:180:27:20

# Here is the picture

0:27:210:27:23

# A man and a girl

0:27:230:27:26

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

0:27:260:27:28

# Strolling along through the shade

0:27:290:27:33

# She is a marquess

0:27:350:27:37

# The son of an earl

0:27:370:27:40

# She...

0:27:420:27:44

# Is a pure village maid

0:27:440:27:48

# He tells her he loves her again and again

0:27:490:27:53

# She thinks he is loyal and true

0:27:530:27:57

# And then comes the night

0:27:580:28:01

# When he gives her champagne... #

0:28:010:28:04

LAUGHTER AND HECKLING

0:28:070:28:10

Mmm...

0:28:100:28:12

Mmm.

0:28:140:28:15

# And he does what he ought not to do. #

0:28:170:28:21

AUDIENCE: Whoa!

0:28:210:28:23

# Only a glass of champagne

0:28:250:28:30

# But it led a poor girl into sin

0:28:300:28:34

# Only a glass of champagne

0:28:340:28:39

# Was the door where the devil crept in...

0:28:390:28:43

# It's just an old story

0:28:430:28:46

# It's always the same

0:28:460:28:49

# Just like a poor moth

0:28:490:28:51

# She flew too near the flame...

0:28:510:28:54

GENTLE LAUGHTER

0:28:540:28:55

# She opened her wings

0:28:570:29:00

# And she lost her good name

0:29:000:29:04

# All for a glass of champagne

0:29:050:29:09

# Think of her future

0:29:130:29:15

# The sorrow and shame

0:29:150:29:18

# Neither a maid nor a wife... #

0:29:180:29:22

-Just a little more, please.

-LAUGHTER

0:29:220:29:24

Uh...

0:29:260:29:27

# Think of her parents

0:29:300:29:33

# Who gave her a name

0:29:330:29:35

# That she has dishonoured for life. #

0:29:350:29:39

SHE CRIES

0:29:390:29:41

AUDIENCE: Aw!

0:29:410:29:43

# What's to become of her?

0:29:460:29:49

# Spurned and reviled

0:29:490:29:51

# Into oblivion hurled. #

0:29:510:29:55

AUDIENCE: Whoa!

0:29:550:29:56

# And what can she offer the fatherless child

0:29:580:30:03

# That she has brought in to the world? #

0:30:030:30:08

Yes...

0:30:100:30:11

LAUGHTER

0:30:110:30:12

# Only a glass of champagne... #

0:30:120:30:17

LAUGHTER

0:30:170:30:19

He loves his little mum.

0:30:200:30:23

# Only a glass of champagne

0:30:230:30:27

# Was the door where that devil crept in

0:30:270:30:31

# She lost her honour in sorrow and pain

0:30:330:30:37

# With her false lover she pleaded in vain... #

0:30:370:30:41

-But...

-SHE SLURS

0:30:420:30:45

LAUGHTER

0:30:450:30:46

By...

0:30:460:30:48

# By the next morning

0:30:480:30:50

# She'd lost it again

0:30:500:30:52

# All through a glass of champagne!

0:30:540:30:57

# So all you young maidens take warning from her

0:30:590:31:04

# If you're taken out

0:31:040:31:06

# By a lord or a sir

0:31:060:31:09

# Be careful you don't let

0:31:090:31:12

# The same thing occur

0:31:120:31:16

# Just for a glass of champagne. #

0:31:160:31:21

Oh, no, you must insist on at least a crate of champagne.

0:31:210:31:26

LAUGHTER

0:31:260:31:29

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:31:290:31:32

# I don't know why I am so very shy. #

0:31:540:31:57

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

0:31:590:32:01

# I always was demure

0:32:010:32:04

# I never knew what silly lovers do

0:32:060:32:10

# No flirting I'd endure

0:32:100:32:15

# In all my life

0:32:150:32:17

# I've never kissed a man

0:32:170:32:19

# I've never winked my eye

0:32:190:32:22

# But now at last

0:32:220:32:25

# I'm going to break the ice

0:32:280:32:31

# So how'd you like to try?

0:32:340:32:39

# How'd you like to spoon with me?

0:32:410:32:46

# How'd you like to spoon with me?

0:32:460:32:50

# Sit beneath an oak tree Tall and shady

0:32:500:32:55

# Calling me your Tootsy wootsy baby

0:32:550:33:00

# How'd you like to hug and squeeze?

0:33:000:33:05

# Dangle me upon your knees

0:33:050:33:09

# How'd you like to be My lovey dovey?

0:33:090:33:14

# How'd you like to spoon with me?

0:33:140:33:18

# How'd you like to be

0:33:180:33:22

# My lovey dovey?

0:33:220:33:27

# How'd you like to spoon Beneath the spoony moon?

0:33:280:33:32

# How'd you like to spoon with me? #

0:33:320:33:37

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:33:370:33:39

Deliriously droll delineator

0:34:030:34:07

of dubieties.

0:34:070:34:09

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohh!

-The one and only...

0:34:090:34:12

Mr Larry Grayson!

0:34:120:34:15

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:34:150:34:17

How are you? All right? How are you, all right?

0:34:370:34:40

All right, all right. All right.

0:34:400:34:42

Common as muck. How are you?

0:34:420:34:45

-Do you...? All right, Leonard?

-Oh, fine.

0:34:460:34:48

I see your candle's alight.

0:34:480:34:49

HE LAUGHS

0:34:490:34:52

-Always.

-Always.

0:34:520:34:54

He's anybody's for a tin of salmon. Do you know...

0:34:540:34:56

LAUGHTER

0:34:560:34:58

No, listen. I've got to sit down. Ooh. Oh!

0:35:000:35:03

-AUDIENCE:

-Ohh!

0:35:030:35:05

Oh, no, no, honestly. No.

0:35:050:35:07

Play the game or leave the bed. Do you know...?

0:35:070:35:09

Honestly.

0:35:090:35:11

-What have I been like all day today? Speak.

-Enchanting!

0:35:120:35:16

Have I? Oh, well.

0:35:160:35:18

How are you?

0:35:180:35:20

I know your face ever so well.

0:35:200:35:21

LAUGHTER

0:35:210:35:23

-Ohh. Is that your wife?

-Yes.

0:35:230:35:27

Yes...

0:35:270:35:28

LAUGHTER

0:35:280:35:30

No, listen. You're too good for her!

0:35:300:35:32

Now, listen...

0:35:320:35:33

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:35:330:35:35

He wears a wig. Do you know...

0:35:370:35:39

How I got out of bed this morning,

0:35:400:35:43

I shall never know...

0:35:430:35:44

if I live to be 32. Do you know? I got...

0:35:440:35:48

You see, actually, last week I had it all down this side.

0:35:480:35:53

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

-Aw, shame.

-Aww!

0:35:530:35:56

I couldn't get the beef teat in my lips. Now, this week...

0:36:000:36:04

This week, I've had it all down this side.

0:36:040:36:06

-AUDIENCE:

-Aww!

0:36:060:36:07

Can't wait for next week, can I? And do you know...

0:36:070:36:10

Nobody knows.

0:36:130:36:15

I got up - don't stare it's very rude - I got up...

0:36:150:36:18

I got up the other morning and I went all limp.

0:36:200:36:23

No, I think it's the brown bread. And I...

0:36:250:36:27

And I thought to myself, I thought, "I'll go..."

0:36:290:36:33

My hair wants washing. I thought...

0:36:330:36:36

You're very near, aren't you? And I thought...

0:36:360:36:39

I thought I'd go and see my doctor, I thought,

0:36:400:36:42

"I'll go and see my doctor." I've got a new doctor now.

0:36:420:36:44

I've got a lovely new doctor. Eh? What did you say to him, then?

0:36:440:36:47

-INAUDIBLE

-Ohh, ha-ha-ha.

0:36:470:36:50

Who's she? And I said...

0:36:500:36:52

Do you know, I used to... Years ago, I told you, Leonard,

0:36:550:36:58

about when I used to rub my legs with Fiery Jack.

0:36:580:37:01

-Don't you remember it?

-Thought he was a...

0:37:070:37:09

No! No, no, no, Leonard, honestly.

0:37:090:37:12

-Have you heard of Fiery Jack, Bernard?

-No.

0:37:120:37:15

Well, it's the truth. Fiery Jack. You can't get it now.

0:37:150:37:18

I've got his address. But, eh...

0:37:180:37:21

-I see you've got a new drummer.

-HE LAUGHS

0:37:230:37:27

You'll get nothing here. All right, what we'll do...

0:37:270:37:30

A little song about a girl that went astray.

0:37:310:37:34

And this girl came from Burnley...

0:37:340:37:36

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:37:360:37:38

-Are you from Burnley?

-Yes!

-I thought so...

0:37:410:37:44

Riff raff. All right, Neville.

0:37:460:37:49

We'll do it, we'll do it.

0:37:530:37:55

# She was young She was pure

0:38:050:38:08

# She was sweet She was nice

0:38:080:38:10

# She was fair She was sweet seventeen

0:38:100:38:14

# He was old He was vile

0:38:140:38:16

# And no stranger to vice

0:38:160:38:18

# He was bold He was base

0:38:180:38:20

# He was mean

0:38:200:38:22

# He slyly inveigled her up to his flat

0:38:220:38:26

# To view his collection of stamps

0:38:260:38:28

# Then he smiled as he hastily Put out the cat

0:38:310:38:36

# His cigar, the wine And the lamps

0:38:360:38:40

# Have some Madeira M'dear

0:38:420:38:46

# You really have nothing to fear

0:38:460:38:50

# I wouldn't try to temp you That wouldn't be right

0:38:500:38:54

# For you to drink spirits This time of night

0:38:540:38:59

# Have some Madeira M'dear

0:38:590:39:02

# It's really much nicer Than beer

0:39:020:39:06

# I'm not fond of sherry I never drink stout

0:39:060:39:10

# And port is a wine I can well do without

0:39:100:39:15

# It's simply a case of Gor blimey me goat

0:39:150:39:19

# Have some Madeira M'dear

0:39:220:39:26

# Unaware of the snake That creeps in the grass

0:39:380:39:43

# Of the fate of the lady who topes

0:39:430:39:46

# She lowered her standards By raising her glass

0:39:460:39:50

# Her courage, her eyes His hopes

0:39:500:39:54

# She drank it She sipped it

0:39:550:39:58

# She drained it She did

0:39:580:40:00

# And he slyly refilled it again

0:40:000:40:03

# And he smiled as he secretly Carved one more notch

0:40:040:40:08

# On the butt of his gold-handled cane. #

0:40:080:40:13

Poor wench.

0:40:150:40:17

# Have some Madeira M'dear

0:40:170:40:21

# I've have a small flask of it here

0:40:210:40:25

# Now once it's been opened You know it won't keep

0:40:250:40:29

# So do drink it up It will help you to sleep

0:40:290:40:33

# Have some Madeira M'dear

0:40:330:40:37

# It's really An excellent year

0:40:370:40:40

# Now if it were gin You'd be wrong to say yes

0:40:400:40:45

# The evil gin does Would be hard to assess

0:40:450:40:49

# In fact it's inclined To affect my prowess. #

0:40:490:40:54

Tell her.

0:40:550:40:57

# Have some Madeira M'dear. #

0:40:570:41:01

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

-I've got one of my old sweats coming on.

0:41:100:41:13

# Through her mind came a flash What her mother had said

0:41:190:41:23

# With her antepenultimate breath

0:41:230:41:27

# My child beware On the wine when it's red

0:41:270:41:31

# Or your face A fate worse than death

0:41:310:41:35

# She lets go her glass With a shrill little cry. #

0:41:350:41:39

"Ooh!"

0:41:390:41:41

I think I'll do that again. "Ooooh!"

0:41:410:41:43

# Crash tinkle It fell to the floor

0:41:430:41:46

# He said "What on earth?" And she made no reply

0:41:460:41:49

# In her dash As she went for the door. #

0:41:490:41:54

I've got every so giddy again.

0:41:560:42:00

# Have some Madeira M'dear

0:42:000:42:04

# Rang out down the hall Loud and clear

0:42:040:42:08

# And when she got out there With a shrill little cry

0:42:080:42:12

# She knew not what to do Well, neither did I. #

0:42:120:42:17

HE LAUGHS

0:42:170:42:19

I can't place you at all.

0:42:190:42:21

LAUGHTER

0:42:210:42:22

Are you an insurance man?

0:42:250:42:27

# Have some Madeira M'dear

0:42:300:42:34

# Rang out in her ear Loud and clear

0:42:340:42:38

# Until the next morning She woke up in bed

0:42:380:42:41

# With a smile on her lips And an ache in her head

0:42:410:42:45

# And a beard in her earhole That tickle and said

0:42:450:42:50

# Have some Madeira M'dear

0:42:500:42:54

# Have some Madeira M'dear. #

0:42:540:42:58

Hey!

0:42:580:42:59

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:590:43:01

And now, there's just time to ask Mr Larry Grayson

0:43:160:43:18

to lead the company and yourself in the last chorus for the night,

0:43:180:43:21

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

0:43:210:43:23

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Larry Grayson,

0:43:230:43:24

the entire company, Mr Bernard Herrmann, the entire -

0:43:240:43:27

and absolutely invincible orchestra...

0:43:270:43:29

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:43:290:43:32

But this time, chiefly...

0:43:320:43:34

-ALL:

-Yourself!

0:43:340:43:37

# Come come Come and make eyes at me

0:43:400:43:44

# Down at the old Bull And Bush

0:43:440:43:47

# La la-la la-la

0:43:470:43:48

# Come, come Drink some port wine with me

0:43:480:43:52

# Down at the old Bull And Bush

0:43:520:43:56

# Hear the little German band

0:43:560:43:58

# La la la-la la la-la

0:43:580:44:00

# Just let me Hold your hand dear

0:44:000:44:04

# Do, do Come and have a drink or two

0:44:040:44:08

# Down at the old Bull And Bush

0:44:080:44:11

# Bush bush. #

0:44:110:44:13

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:44:130:44:15

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