10/03/1977 The Good Old Days

# After the ball is over

# After the break of morn

# After the dancers' leaving

# After the stars are gone

# Many a heart is aching

# If you could read them all

# Many the hopes that have vanished

# After the ball. #

Once again, good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

Obligatory...orotundity...

initially...accolade.

An ozoniferous...extravaganza.

A seaside show now, exemplary in expertise, The Players' Theatre!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# If Margate were down in Regent Street,

# Blackpool in Leicester Square

# If the Isle of Man was somewhere down the Strand

# Oh, it would be grand, listening to the band

# If Brighton Fair were in Trafalgar Square

# Piccadilly all surrounded by the sea

# And you could bathe with all the girls down Bond Street

# What a grand place London town would be. #

# All the girls are lovely by the seaside

# All the girls are lovely by the sea

# When you're strolling down beside the ocean

# The ocean, what a commotion

# All the girls are lovely by the seaside

# With their curls and bits of drapery

# French-y girls with eyes of blue give the goo-goo eye to you

# Whether they don't or whether they do, they're all lovely by the sea. #

# Where's the harm, where's the harm, will anyone tell me, pray?

# Should we take care out in the beautiful summer weather?

# When they tell you it's wrong, tell them to take a run

# Go along to it, but don't spoil the fun. #

# Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside

# I do like to be beside the sea

# I do like to stroll along the prom, prom, prom,

# Where the brass bands play tiddly-om-pom-pom

# Just let me be beside the seaside

# I'll be beside myself with glee

# There are lots of girls beside I should like to be beside

# Beside the seaside, beside the sea

# Beside the seaside, beside the sea. #

-For your aural and ocular...

-AUDIENCE MURMURS

Ears and eyes! ..edification, the ineffable evanescence of nubility...

-..Miss Melanie Munro!

-APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# I'm just 17

# I've never been

# To any stately ball

# A shy young maid

# I'm half afraid

# To raise my eyes at all

# But I must learn to twist and turn

# To set my feet alight

# So come, hero

# And strive to show me how to dance tonight

SHE VOCALISES

# Dance on, hero

# The night is young

# The stars are fair above

# How tenderly

# Your eyes look down

# How sweet your words of love

# The world is fading far away

# And all things sad and false

# Oh, dear hero

# I love you so

# Tonight we'll dance like swans. #

SHE VOCALISES

SONG ENDS

BAND PLAYS NEW TUNE

# Susan Green was sweet 16

# Had never yet been kissed

# And what you'd never had

# Why, of course, you'd never missed

LAUGHTER

# But Susan read a novel called

# Mama's Loving Boy

# It put ideas into her head

# And filled her full of joy

# She walked into a shop

# The salesman said, "Now, Miss

# "What would you like to have?"

# She shyly answered this

# I want a boy

# I want a boy

# Not for a toy

# Bound to annoy

# I want a nice young man

# Who will understand

# Don't want an amateur who'll just hold your hand

# I'd like to tease

# I'd like to squeeze

# I've heard that loving is simply divine

# One who'd meet you in the hall

# Kiss you, squeeze you, back to the wall

# Sit you down upon his lap

# Hug you till you snap

# I want a boy

# I want a boy

# I want a great big wonderful

# Lovable, delectable

# Great big wonderful

# Boy. #

APPLAUSE

Ingratiatingly endearing and diminutive dronery,

your own, my own,

everybody's own Mr Arthur Askey!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, playmates!

-AUDIENCE:

-Hello!

I-I-I thank you.

Now, this is where the show picks up.

LAUGHTER

Cos I'm going to sing for you tonight, playmates.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Well, I'm a jolly good singer!

Oh, yes, I am!

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh, no, you're not!

I jolly well am.

Anyway, I'm going to sing you a little song that is entitled...

-AUDIENCE MEMBER:

-The Bee!

-No!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

The Bee?

That was me father, he used to sing that.

LAUGHTER

Little shorthouse with glasses, that was my dad.

No, this is rather on a higher scale.

This is simply entitled A Ballad.

Oh.

LAUGHTER

# I love the swallows flying high

# Ah-ha

-AUDIENCE:

-# Ah-ha

# We all love swallows

# So do I

# Ah-ha

# I love the swallow and tomtit

# I love to hear the swallow flit

# But I'd sooner swallow gin in it

# Ah-ha

# Ah-ha... #

What do you think of it so far?

-AUDIENCE:

-Rubbish!

LAUGHTER

Wait till you hear the next verse!

LAUGHTER

# A glorious thing is the English rose

# Ah-ha

# Ah-ha

# It's just like nectar to my nose

# Ah-ha

# I love the rose, it's so sublime

# If it's red or white, it's all the say-me

BOOING

# But I'd sooner have cod's roes any old time

# Ah-ha

# Ah-ha. #

Would you like The Bee Song?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Well, this is a B song. I'll get on with it.

LAUGHTER

This is the last verse.

# I love a haddock wet or dry

# Ah ha

# I love a haddock and I'll tell you why

# Ah-ha

# I had a sweetheart, tall and fair

# Fishmonger's daughter

# Name of Claire

# And she had a kind of way with her

# Ah-ha

# Ah-ha... #

Get ready with the applause. LAUGHTER

Don't rush it, I'll tell you when.

# Ah...

# Ha! #

APPLAUSE

So I'm going to sing you a little chorus song, now.

It's a little song, and I sing...

# Come on everybody

# We're going to sing. #

And you sing...

# Louder and louder and louder! Hoy! #

See? Each louder gets louder than the other louder.

You may have heard the song before.

It was sung years ago by Harry LOUDER.

LAUGHTER

But anyway, enjoy the song. Here we go.

# What's the use of being miserable?

# What's the use of being blue?

# I'm going to alter all that

# I'll tell you what we'll do

# Come on, everybody

# We're going to sing

# Louder and louder

# And louder

# Hoy!

# Never mind the rafters, just make them ring

# Louder and louder and louder

# Hoy!

# Let's all beguile the girls and boys

# Open up your throttles and make a noise

# Come on, everybody

# We're going to sing

# Louder and louder and louder

# Hoy!

# Come on everybody we're going to sing

# Louder and louder and louder. #

KNOCKING

(Come here.)

Are you a Mason?

LAUGHTER

What is it?

THEY WHISPER

Now, we're making too much noise.

LAUGHTER

-AUDIENCE:

-Shame!

-Shame!

We've just had word there's an old lady very ill in Bradford.

LAUGHTER

So we've got to keep it down a bit, so I'll tell you what, playmates,

instead of singing, "Louder and louder and louder,"

we've got to sing, "Softer and softer and softer."

(Shh!)

All right, we'll try it.

HUSHED: # Come on, everybody

# We're going to sing

# Softer and softer and softer

# Shh!

# Never mind the rafters

# And make them ring

# Softer and softer and softer

# Shh!

# Do you know what I heard today?

# A lady's very ill 20 miles away

# Come on, everybody

# We're going to sing

# Softer and softer and softer

# Shh! #

Very good indeed. KNOCKING

Oh, God!

LAUGHTER What is it now?

We've just had a message that...

Oh! Oh, we're all right.

We can sing as loud as we like now.

The old lady's just died.

LAUGHTER

So we'll all sing loudly together!

# Come on, everybody

# We're going to sing

# Louder and louder and louder

# Hoy!

# Never mind the rafters, we'll make them ring

# Louder and louder and louder

# Hoy!

# Let's all beguile the girls and boys

# Open up your throttles and make a noise

# Come on, everybody

# We're going to sing

# Louder and louder and louder

# And louder

# And louder. #

APPLAUSE

Resonant in revivifying...

-AUDIENCE:

-Oooh!

..reverberances,

inexhaustibly Hibernian...

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh?

-Irish.

-LAUGHTER

..Mr Josef Locke!

APPLAUSE

# We'll make a bonfire of our troubles

# And we'll watch them blaze away

# And when they've all gone up in smoke clouds

# We'll never worry should they come another day

# And as the bonfire keeps on burning

# Happy days will be returning

# While the band is playing

# We'll watch our troubles blaze away

# See them go right up to the sky

# And watch the flame go higher and higher

# Blazing away, blazing away

# Oh, come along, bring your worries

# We'll make a bonfire of our troubles

-# La-la-la-la

-Blaze away

# And when they've all gone up in smoke clouds

-# We'll never worry should they

-Come another day

# And as the bonfire keeps on burning

# Happy days will be returning

# While the band is playing

# We'll watch our troubles

# Blaze

# Awa-a-a-a-y. #

APPLAUSE

# I'll take you home again, Kathleen

# Across the ocean wide and wild

# To where your heart has ever been

# Since first you were my bonny bride

# The roses all have left your cheeks

# I've watched them fade away and die

# Your voice is sad

# When e'er you speak

# And tears bedim your loving eyes

# But I will take you back, Kathleen

# To where your heart will feel no pain... #

"When the fields."

# And when the fields are fresh and green

# I will take you to your home, again. #

CHEERING

Well, here's a brand-new one and I've never sung it before

and I don't tell lies, so...

LAUGHTER

What are you ha-ha-ing about?

But here it is, if you fancy it later on you can have a go

at the start - I'll give it...

Here it is, The Soldier's Dream!

AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG

Hi, ha, ha, hey!

# Out on the plains the weary soldiers now are sleeping

# They love to slumber while the evening breezes blow

# From the fields the smell of new-mown corn is creeping

# And the sentinel is pacing to and fro

# Then all at once the sky is filled with shapes of horsemen

# Lit up by lightning as the dying day goes by

# And the famous white horse is directing the course

HE SINGS

# See them pass by

HE SINGS

# Yes, they will die but they live in song and story... #

Hear the guns!

The trumpets sound, ha-ha-ha!

HE SINGS

# Yes, they will die but they live in song and story

# See them pass by

# Yes, sirree Yes, sirree, a glory

# Yes, they will die

# But they live in song and story. #

CHEERING

CHEERING

From...

Tingsryd...

CROWD PROTESTS

..in Sweden.

Invincible, in-vertiginous virtuosity...

Mr Bernie Wirengard!

CHEERING

ORCHESTRA PLAYS TIPSY MUSIC

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

LAUGHTER

AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME

CHEERING

SUSPENSEFUL DRUMROLL

CHEERING

CHEERING

ORCHESTRA PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE

Overweeningly winsome...

AUDIENCE GROANS

..infallibly infectious...

flirtatiousness...

Miss Aimi Macdonald!

CHEERING

# There's no mistake that I can act

# I'm talented and that's a fact

# I know because my mother told me so

# She kept a house for active folks

# And listened to their funny jokes

# So now I guess my mother ought to know

# In fact I'm great in everything

# I suppose you've never heard me sing

# Ma says I'd shine in opera with my style

# She says no-one would stand a chance

# With me and us alone we'd dance

# If I wore coloured beads

# And my big smile

# And if managers only thought the same as Mother

# It would fill poor Sarah Bernhardt with regrets

# Ellen Terry if she knew

# And Miss Lilian Baylis too

# They would chuck the stage and join the Suffragettes

# And if managers only thought the same as Mother

# They would label me the only tragic star

# Beerbohm Tree might be allowed

# Just to walk on with the crowd

# That's if managers only thought the same as Ma

# My darling mother thinks also

# To Parliament I ought to go

# I fancy myself too I must declare

# I don't know much about the law

# But Mama says the way I jaw

# Would suit the other dear old ladies there

# So vote for me when I begin

# I promise you if I get in

# To me the Members will take off their hats

# I'll change the budget, never fear

# Instead of taxing wine and beer

# I'll stick it on old bachelors... #

LAUGHTER

# And cards

# And if Parliament only thought the same as Mother

# I am going to be the Speaker in the chair

# I shall do away with men

# Only women will vote then

# Every night we'll have a mothers' meeting there

# And if Parliament only thinks the same as Mother

# I shall be the best Prime Minister by far

# And Lloyd George I'm certain will

# Pass an act and pay the bill

# That's if Parliament only thinks the same as Ma

# Trade union leaders will agree

# To ask me in to tea

# You see... #

AUDIENCE GROANS

# That's if Parliament only thinks the same

# Parliament only thinks the same

# Parliament only thinks the same as Ma! #

CHEERING

# Lovers sitting looking shy

# As lovers often will

# Waiting for that hour of bliss

# When all the house was still

# Then her mama went out

-AUDIENCE JOINS IN:

-# Da-ra-ra-ra Da-ra-ra-dee

# Then her papa went out

# Da-ra-ra-ra da-ra-ra-dee

# She and her boy stayed home

# Two of them on their own

# Waiting to be Hoping to be

# Longing to be alone

# Nobody else about

# Da-ra-ra-ra Da-ra-ra-dee

# Then his cigar went out

# Da-ra-ra-ra Da-ra-ra-dee

# Even the fire went out

# But when the lights

# Went out

# Da-ra-ra-ra Da-ra-ra-ra

# Da-ra-ra-dee. #

APPLAUSE

BAND PLAYS INTERLUDE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Apocalyptically...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

"..thermoturgical" thespianism!

CHEERING

The one and only Mr Ron Moody.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

FANFARE

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen and Monsieur Roget.

As I entered the theatre this evening I was greeted with

cries of...

ENTHUSIASTIC TONE: "What are you doing back here again?"

It wasn't exactly like that.

It was rather more, rather more...

DISAPPOINTED TONE: "What are you doing back here again?"

LAUGHTER

So here we go, on with the show.

FANFARE

PARP

LAUGHTER

This... This is what it's like being on a stage.

PIANO BEGINS

Rather like a race you cannot win.

# Then you look around at this gilded cage. #

And you see the people looking in.

Of course, people, real people, human people, old people.

LAUGHTER

Smiling people, laughing people. Ha-ha-ha!

LAUGHTER

Crying people?

No. Happy people.

# Now I know why we do a show

# For the happy moments we can bring

# Same old tale from the nightingale

# Flying high so you can hear it sing

# At the zoo what the monkeys do

# No-one else would do for twice the wage

# That's the world we share

# And it's all out there

# When you walk upon a stage

# What a moment for Beerbohm Tree

# When Svengali cast a thousand spells

# Hear them cheer Maybe shed a tear

# For the fearful tale that Trilby tells

# Hear her sing

# Poor tormented thing

# Like a bird imprisoned in a cage

# See Svengali's eyes

# Grow to twice their size

# When you walk upon... #

See Svengali's eyes grow to twice their size...

LAUGHTER

When you walk upon...

SHOUTING: See Svengali's eyes grow to twice their size

When you walk upon a stage.

Trilby! Where are you, Trilby?

I know you're here tonight, Trilby. I feel it in my bones, Trilby.

Where are you, Trilby?

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Smart cookie, huh? Trilby, where are you? I know you're here, Trilby.

Trilby, I will find you tonight. Trilby, I will find you!

I know you are here tonight, Trilby.

Tonight I will make a star...

LAUGHTER

Sing, Trilby. Sing.

Sing. Now is your big chance. Trilby, relax. Close your eyes.

When I snap my fingers you will sing as you have never sung before.

LAUGHTER

Oh!

Trilby! Sorry. I beg your pardon.

-You're OK.

-Trilby!

Sing, Trilby! Sing, Trilby! Sing. Sing.

Sing.

LAUGHTER

Trilby, sing! Do me a favour, sing, Trilby.

PIANO TRILLS

# Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah

# Ah-ah...

SHE SINGS: Je Veux Vivre by Charles Gounod

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

SHE CONTINUES TO SING IN FRENCH

SHE STOPS SINGING

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

SHE RESUMES SONG

HE MUTTERS

SHE CONTINUES TO SING

APPLAUSE

STILL SINGING

SHE STOPS

APPLAUSE

Can you come back next week?

I won't be here.

SHE RESUMES SINGING

LAUGHTER

SHE SCREAMS

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Never mind. That is what we are here for. Happy people.

# Now I know how Caruso felt

# Singing Rigoletto in his prime

# Chaliapin was Godunov

# But he must have known it at the time

# Now I know how Al Jolson felt when his Sonny Boy had come of age

# You can hear the sound going round and round

# When you walk upon a stage

# Now I know how they must have felt

# In the grand old days...

# All else pales when they tell you tales

# That will make your skin begin to crawl

# Hear the whisper of Mr Hyde

# And of Quasimodo's dreadful rage

# Feel your blood run cold

# As it did of old

# When you walk upon

MUFFLED: # A stage. #

LAUGHTER

MUFFLED: Good evening...

LAUGHTER

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Dr Jekyll.

Dr Hire Me Jekyll, a specialist.

LAUGHTER

Sodium carbonate, potassium carbonate,

sodium sodium, potassium potassium, carbon tetrachloride.

sodium tetrachloride, carbon potassium tetrachloride, sodium tetrachloride.

Dare I? Dare I?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

LAUGHTER

HE GRUNTS

Ooh! Ah! Ah!

HE ROARS

Sodium carbonate, potassium carbonate, sodium chloride, potassium chloride.

LAUGHTER

HE ROARS

Oh!

LAUGHTER

HE ROARS

LAUGHTER

DRUMROLL

APPLAUSE

My name is Quasimodo.

I'm not a man and I'm not a beast. Heh-heh-heh!

I'm as shapeless as the man in the moon. The bells made me deaf.

Sanctuary! Sanctuary!

Room service!

LAUGHTER

Look not upon the face, young lady. Look at the heart.

The heart of a handsome man is often deformed.

A heart that cannot hold love belongs...

Oh, give us a kiss.

LAUGHTER

You didn't have to shrink away!

I'm going to jump. I don't care.

DRUMROLL

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

Count... Count Dracula.

No, madam, I am not a vegetarian.

I just don't like stakes.

I'm...

Looks like I'm stuck with these for the rest of the bloody evening.

# Now I know how they must have felt

# When they sang and danced their way to fame

# All the world said that they were mad

# Working day and night to make a name

# Living rough, for the life was tough... #

You try this with your teeth in.

MUFFLED: # And you wonder why

# When you walk upon

# When you talk upon

# When you sing upon

# When you dance upon

# When you walk upon a

# Chocolate cigarettes

# Tutti-frutti ices... #

APPLAUSE DROWNS SINGING

# When you walk upon a stage. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you!

There's just time to ask Mr Ron Moody to lead the company

and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Ron Moody, the entire company,

Mr Bernard Herrmann, the entire and indefatigable orchestra...

CHEERING

..and this time, chiefly...

-ALL:

-..yourselves.

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Da-da-da-da-da

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band

# Da-da-da-da-da

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Do, do come and have a drink or two

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush Bush, Bush. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA PLAYS INSTRUMENTAL

AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG