Episode 14 The Graham Norton Show

Good evening, I'm Matthew McConaughey

and this is The Graham Norton Show.

CHEERING

This programme contains some strong language.

CHEERING Oh! Oh!

Oh, too kind!

Thank you very much! Thank you very much! Thank you!

Hello! Hello and welcome! Welcome to the show!

Friday night, yahoo!

Hey, what a week we've had, ladies and gentlemen.

Theresa May...Theresa May unveiled her plan for Brexit.

Oh, she's been working night and day on them,

which is presumably why she's still in her pyjamas.

She looks great. Mmm, my Brexit, it's hard!

Now, erm... "Do you like your hard Brexit? Do you like it?"

Who came up with that phrase? It's awful, isn't it?

"I'll show you a hard Brexit!"

Of course, the big news is that this afternoon,

Donald Trump officially became US president. Insert noise here.

Yes, in a not-star-studded ceremony,

The Donald swore his oath of allegiance.

The rest of the world just swore - "What the..."

During the inauguration, Trump was positioned behind bulletproof glass,

you know, in case he lost his temper and shot some Mexicans.

The ceremony went well, but there was one awkward moment,

when a female guest was bursting for the toilet

and asked Trump where she could go for a wee.

Hey, let's get the guests on! CHEERING

He's one of Britain's favourite stand-ups

and the star of his own sitcom,

please welcome Devon's finest, Josh Widdicombe!

CHEERING

-Whoo! Hello, sir! Hi! How are you?

-I just tripped.

Have a little seat there. Did you trip?

I didn't even see, I didn't see it.

She's done the impossible of going from child star in The Addams Family

to one of Hollywood's most successful and quirky actresses.

Please welcome the lovely Christina Ricci!

CHEERING

Oh, I didn't notice all that. That's fantastic, it's beautiful. Hello!

Come in, sit down, Christina Ricci.

He's one of our most successful British singer-songwriters

and after a year out of the spotlight, he's back.

It's only the fabulous Ed Sheeran.

CHEERING

Hello! They're happy, they're happy to see you. Come in, sit down.

Ed Sheeran.

And this actor went from rom-com king

to bona fide Oscar-winning movie star

and now he's struck Gold in his latest crime adventure.

Please welcome Mr Matthew McConaughey!

CHEERING Hey!

Have a seat.

Whoo!

CHEERING

Feel the love! Feel the love! That was good, wasn't it? That was nice.

That was nice, yeah. This is, like, a very mixed look.

Sometimes, the show looks like

everyone's just going to a showbiz funeral.

-Tonight, it's very mixed.

-Thank you very much.

Well, you, I've never seen you look that smart before in your life!

No, I thought I'd make an effort, because last time I was on here

was the month before I was voted

GQ's second worst-dressed man in the world.

I was voted worst dressed.

-2012 worst dressed.

-Wow!

-Do you know how they described me?

Because they do a little feature and they had a picture of me.

They described my look as "an update on Bilbo Baggins".

Update? He's not a historical figure.

And, Ed Sheeran, lovely to have you back in the world,

blinking into the lights, after your year away.

What are you singing for us tonight?

-Castle On The Hill.

-CHEERING

-It's a hit, it's a hit.

-A song about Suffolk.

There aren't enough songs about Suffolk.

-I think that's the only one, yeah.

-And Matthew McConaughey,

-congratulations on your new movie, Gold.

-Thank you.

We'll talk about it a bit more in a bit,

but I saw a clip and you were accepting an award for Gold

and there was a really funny audience reaction.

-Do you know what I'm talking about?

-I think I do.

-So, you get up there, you get the prize.

-Yeah.

And as I like to open up, usually I start off with "All right"

of some sort, "All right, all right, all right."

The first three words I ever said on film and I think...

I don't think about it, but I think this night, I just said,

"All right, so..." And then everyone goes, "Ah-ah-ah!"

So, you can't say one "all right". You've got to do three?

If it starts with one, I've got to add the other two, yeah.

The audience demands it.

Is it like Beetlejuice? It appears if you say the third one?

Something nice happens, yeah.

All right, all right, all right.

CHEERING

See?

Now, Christina Ricci,

you are sitting in a particular sandwich on our couch tonight.

-Mm-hmm.

-Yes, you are because, Josh, you have been...

-Have you been mistaken for...

-No, I have been mistaken...

What, for Matthew McConaughey? All the time.

The amount of photos I've taken as you, it's unbelievable.

You wouldn't understand how many times they thought I was you!

Exactly. They've come up to you, gone, "Who are you?"

I've built a career of being mistaken for Ed Sheeran.

I've had it quite a few times.

-Do you get laid?

-You what?

-Do you get laid?

I'm just wondering.

I meet ginger people all the time that are like, "Thanks!"

-Yes.

-So, I get...

-That's a little awkward now, Josh, isn't it?

So, I'm now the only Ed Sheeran that's not getting laid?

I've got the worst of both worlds!

I was literally just talking about this with Christina backstage,

cos there is a kid who...

His job is, like, people employ him when they can't get me for stuff,

they employ him to look like me.

Is this this guy?

-Yeah.

-Isn't that... Now, you've met him, you've met him.

Mate, that's not cool. I don't think I look like him.

-I thought that was, like, a doctored picture of you.

-No, really.

-Wait, here you are together.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Now, in fairness...

That was a while back, though.

I've managed to grow a little bit of facial hair.

He looks like you looking into a spoon.

Yeah, when I filmed the Bridget Jones film,

I could only do one day instead of two,

-so they cast him for the second day.

-No!

He actually cops off with Bridget's mate in it.

So, again, getting people laid - it's working.

No, no, but you have done a great job

cos so many people post pictures,

particularly quite beautiful women post pictures,

thinking that they've met you and sometimes...

It's always just a fat dude

who looks a bit drunk that's gone like that.

I didn't want to say that, but you're right.

I mean, some of these are quite ropey.

Like, "Met Ed Sheeran last night."

How happy does he look?!

I tell you what, he is definitely getting laid.

I've never had any of that excitement.

I went to watch England at the European Championships

and I heard people around me whispering,

going, "There he is, there he is!"

I thought, "Here we go!"

And then the whole of the England contingent stood up

and started shouting and pointing at me, "You're just a shit Ed Sheeran!"

I'm so sorry, man. I'm so sorry.

But, now, talking of pictures on the internet, Christina Ricci,

you've found a real niche for yourself. Tell us about...

Is it called Ricci-ing?

Yeah, it's Ricci-ing, but I like to call it I Can Fit In That.

-That's the hashtag.

-That's the series.

The series is the I Can Fit In That series.

-So, you put them on Instagram.

-Yeah.

And I think we've got some of the pictures of...

Before we show them, how did this happen?

I just have always really liked to try to fit into small things.

And my two-year-old, without me doing anything,

he likes to get into small things also, so it must be genetic.

Did this start before you were born?

So, here you are. I don't know whether it was...

It was a thinker, that one, wasn't it? It was tough.

A way-homer. Gets it on the way home.

Here you are. This is you. Now, I hope your two-year-old...

Is that a dryer or a washer?

I did get all the way in either the washer or the dryer.

It was like on top of each other, I don't remember which one.

You know you can just take your clothes off and put it in?

-I like a challenge.

-On the girl!

-What else have you got in? Is that your sink?

-That was my sink, yes.

-And you thought, "I can fit in that."

-That's what I thought, yes.

-And you could.

-There's the fridge one, too, which is pretty good.

-We've got the fridge.

-Oh, good. Yeah.

Cos that was a challenge. That was a real hard one to get into.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah, cos, look, see how my leg doesn't really fit?

I guess, yes, but it looks more capacious.

-There's nothing really you can fit in here.

-Are you sure?

-Could you fit in that fruit bowl?

-I mean, like, yeah.

-Oh, could you?

-Oh, let's see.

-Shall we get rid of the fruit?

"Shall we get rid of the fruit?" No, leave it!

OK, can she get in?

I mean, I can get in, but not my entire body.

Oh, no, no, clearly...

-Focus, focus, focus, focus.

-Oh, no, that is...

-Look at that!

-Whoa!

-So if it was just a tube, I'd be able to do it.

Ladies and gentlemen, she's in a fruit bowl.

APPLAUSE

-Hope I don't flash anyone or lose a shoe.

-That is a first.

We've never had a guest in the fruit bowl before.

Well done, well done.

It'd have been very disappointing if you'd said, "We do that every week."

Erm, right, let's start tonight with Gold, Matthew McConaughey's film

which opens on the 3rd of February and this is an extraordinary story.

-Yeah.

-It's one of those stories that could only be based on a true story,

cos there's so many twists and turns and things you don't see coming.

Was it a huge story in the States?

Cos I don't remember reading about this story.

He was Canadian and it was a huge story in the States

because hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars were invested

by New York bankers and their clients and, if you go see the film,

you see a lot of that money was lost,

almost all of that money was lost, so it was a huge story.

This guy - his original name was David Walsh,

I play him as Kenny Wells - literally, had a dream.

He's a prospector.

Literally, had a dream that he knew where the gold was in Indonesia.

Hocked a watch, bought a one-way ticket to Indonesia,

found the guy who could help him find the gold,

talked him into it, saying,

"We're going to find it, we're going to prove them all wrong",

worked up a bunch of money and off they went and they found the gold.

Biggest gold strike of that entire 30-year period.

And then the question is, was there any gold or not?

As we know, people like to buy into a story

and a lot of people bought into this story and put in a lot of money.

I didn't know it was a true story,

but halfway through, I, kind of, thought,

"This HAS to be a true story, cos of all the crazy stuff that goes on."

Per usual, anything that's that crazy on screen,

usually the truth trumps it and you find out it was true.

Yeah, and to prepare for this, cos often actors go through

kind of hell to prepare for roles,

-it sounded like it was quite fun preparing for this.

-Yes.

I've had roles where I lost a lot of weight.

In this one, I got to gain a lot of weight

and the gaining is a whole lot more fun.

Can't fit in a fruit bowl, though, can you?

Not even one of my butt cheeks.

But it's interesting,

as your family just thought you were, like, a different person.

Well, for six months, I said,

"I've got a rule, McConaughey, to get ready for this role.

"You have to say yes to whatever desire you want 24/7 -

"eat, drink, what have you.

"And if you second guess yourself, you must have double."

So, I was a real yes man.

Pizza night, instead of Friday night, was Tuesday morning.

If you wanted to go bowling at midnight on a school night,

that's a great idea, too, kids, let's go.

Erm...

so, I really relaxed on the rules

and cheeseburgers and beer for breakfast were a great idea.

So, how hard was it to, kind of, go, "Oh, film's over"?

I didn't think about it until we got there.

I did notice that a few things that I thought were renting

that were actually there to own.

And I noticed that it had really set in and I did have a few moments

where I was looking in the mirror, going, "This may be it, buddy.

"This may be your profile."

It's nice to know that's finally happened, though,

cos I'm sure there are so many men, round the world who look at you,

like, ripped in all the films, being like, "Oh, God, inhuman.

-"How does he do that?" And now you're the same.

-Yeah, it was fun.

My family, kind of, misses me being a fat-ass.

Your kids at half 11 at night going, "Can we go bowling?" "No way!"

I got so strict. No, my nickname in the family was Captain Fun.

-Captain Fun!

-For the whole six months.

It was like, "Another pizza? Yes!

"Milkshakes for breakfast? Great idea!"

-So, did your kids get fat, as well?

-No, they didn't.

I mean, the whole family probably put on a little extra luggage,

but, I mean...I was fat and happy.

And we've got a clip.

This is a moment in the film when your character could cash in.

-Could cash in.

-He could cash in and make the millions.

No-one in your family - I'm talking your children's grandchildren -

will ever have to worry about money again.

You see these hands, Brian?

These are my father's hands.

I have scratched and clawed through the hard earth with these hands

and I will bury you with these hands.

Now, you will tell this man...

..he works for Kenny Wells.

Very good.

And I read you in an interview, talking about how

when you read the script, you knew this man.

I knew it right away, from the inside out.

-But, kind of, through your dad.

-Yeah, through my dad.

My dad was a pipe and oil salesman,

which means he was peddling pipe, meaning you're on the phone,

payphones, in the bar -

before cellphones - and he would take me around the country.

We'd hop in his car and we'd go office to office to people

that owed him money and bringing his 12-year-old son

would shame a lot of them into paying him, right?

And he also loved a shady deal.

He would always say, "Goddamn, buddy,

"I'd rather do a shady deal with some fun people

"than a great deal with a bunch of straight-asses."

That's Kenny Wells.

I just want to say, one story about your dad,

the bet involving your brother, do you know the story I mean?

-The bicycle?

-The motorcycle, yeah, yeah.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Another way my dad did "great business".

Our upbringings are so similar, it's unbelievable.

Are you getting laid?

APPLAUSE

I'm trying.

Every time I come on this show, I get abused by Hollywood stars.

-Check this out.

-You know what, I'm going to sit back and enjoy.

It is a great story.

So, my dad had a ranch one time with his friends

and they'd been deer-hunting all day and it's late at night.

They're sitting down at the bar and drinking and stuff

and all of a sudden, the subject comes up

of how high everybody can pee,

how high on the wall, right?

And he's got this buddy named Jim who's about 6'6"

and they're playing cards and looking around

and my dad sees this old BMX bike. And we couldn't afford a BMX bike.

Now, my middle brother had been wanting a BMX motorcycle,

but we couldn't afford it.

There's this old CRX 80 over there and Dad says,

"You know, Jim, my son, he could pee over your head on the wall,"

and he goes, "No, there's no way he can do that,"

and he goes, "Yeah, he can. I'll bet you. I'll bet the motorbike on it."

And the guy goes, "There's no way, I'm 6'6"."

Pop gets in the car, drives an hour and a half back into town,

wakes my 12-year-old brother up in his tighty whities,

gets him out of bed.

When you get woke up in the middle of the night as a kid,

you've got to pee, right?

My dad says, "No, no, no, no, no, you're not going to pee."

"Have this bottle of water."

"Get in the car and have a sip on this beer

"cos we're about to go get yourself a motorcycle, buddy."

So, Pat sitting there in his tighty whities,

they ride an hour and a half back.

They get back at four in the morning

and brings my brother into the barn.

They put Jim up against the wall and Jim marks the mark at 6'6".

My daddy says, "Go ahead, boy."

Pee-yow!

Beat it by a foot, put the CRX in the back of the truck -

my brother's first motorcycle.

We love your brother!

Yeah, me, too.

Ed, you did a mad thing, cos you didn't have

a deprived childhood, but when you made money...

You could only piss at three feet!

Yeah, but when you made money, when you made money,

you bought certain things, didn't you?

-Stuff that you were denied as a child.

-Yeah, yeah.

Like, what did you buy?

OK! Well, I wasn't denied...

Any good parent will know, any parent in here, if a kid

wants a Lego set, you get them a small one.

You don't get them the big one that is 359 quid.

So, when my album went to number one, I was

passing the Lego store,

and I saw the big Death Star, and I went, "Do you know what?

"It's time."

I'm just a big kid now.

It isn't just that.

I went to go and buy my god-daughter a Ninja Turtle toy

for her birthday.

And I was in the Ninja Turtle section and there was this huge

truck. I looked at the small toy I got her,

and the big truck, and I was like, "I'm getting that for me."

I have loads and loads...

Are you like the kid from Big?

Yeah, I have a load of...

child stuff in my house, yeah. There is a room

full of teddy bears.

This is such an embarrassing interview.

That you didn't have as a kid?

Not that I didn't have, I just wanted them.

And out of us two, you're the one who's getting laid.

Let's hope those teddy bears don't have anything to do with it.

Who would have thought teddy bears was the key?!

I remember, actually, I once went on a date

-and brought a Lego set, made the Lego set, and then left.

-What?!

Wow.

That's going deep, man. That's strong moves.

What was she doing? She was eating her dinner and you were

-constructing...

-No, we were just chatting, catching up.

Just chatting. She's definitely going to be

watching this, like, "Yep, definitely happened."

-Wow.

-What did you make?

Pirates Of The Caribbean pirate ship.

Yeah, he's not a loser.

I hope you gave it to her as a gift at the end.

No.

Josh, your parents, they did buy you things.

They did. I grew up in Devon.

It was similar...

So, it's, kind of, the middle of nowhere.

There were four kids at my year at school.

-I grew up in the middle of nowhere.

-MURMURING

All right!

So, my parents tried to, kind of, make stuff educational.

I don't know what bed you had when you were a child,

I imagine now your bed is bizarre, Ed.

I imagine you sleep on a bouncy castle or something now.

It's pretty regular.

Is it one of those race car beds?

-That's what

-I

-saw!

One of those, it is sunk into the ground.

It's, like, proper comfy, you can roll over onto the floor.

Like a trampoline?

You don't want roll over too much, you don't want

to lie on the Lego, that's very painful.

I have a pair of stuffed pandas in my room.

Stuffed pandas. Two.

I don't know what's true any more!

Believe everything.

My bed, when I was a kid, my parents bought me this thing

called a cabin bed. This was the height of a bunk bed,

but below it, instead of another bed, I had a desk.

Basically, my parents made the executive decision that

I was more likely to write a letter than have a friend.

Kids would come round, "Can I stay over?"

"No, but you can catch up on your admin."

Listen, Christina Ricci, you've brought out

a brand-new Amazon Prime Video. It's a new world, ladies and gentlemen.

-Zed, but you say Zee.

-I say Zee, but you can say Zed.

Thank you. Z: The Beginning of Everything.

It starts screening on Amazon Prime next Friday.

And it tells the story of Zelda Fitzgerald and F Scott Fitzgerald,

who obviously wrote The Great Gatsby and lots of other things.

Now, I know the name Zelda Fitzgerald,

but why do we know her name?

Why has she continued to be famous through history?

Well, I mean, she was, sort of, the very outrageous wife

of Scott Fitzgerald.

The misconception about her, I don't know if you...

In America, there was this thing that she was this crazy alcoholic

woman who ruined Scott Fitzgerald.

And, of course the truth is a little bit more complicated than that.

So, this is the story of their marriage, from her point of view.

Is the stuff true that F Scott Fitzgerald would lift

bits of her writing and use it?

Yeah, right out of her letters and out of her journal

and so, when she wanted to publish her own writing,

she was not allowed to publish very much, because he felt

you'd be able to tell that a lot of his writing was hers.

I mean, that's nuts, isn't it?

Isn't it nuts, a little bit?

Is this your first television thing?

It's my first one that I, sort of, produced and starred in.

Because for an actress, it must be so different from being

in a movie, where you are gauging a performance over 1½, 2 hours,

and suddenly you've got this performance that is

going to arc over several hours.

Yeah, it's really interesting, it's very different,

but I think one thing that's really nice about

doing a series, a bio series,

is that you really get to live with the person.

So, the evolution can actually take what feels like more

of a natural amount of time.

Is there enough material to go on and do loads of seasons?

Yeah, yeah, I mean, they had this really intense

and crazy love affair.

Very dysfunctional and chaotic.

And they were, kind of, the first really famous celebrity couple -

like, she was just famous for being his wife, really.

She had all of these talents, but she wasn't really

able to explore them, so, it's pretty fascinating.

Listen, we've got a clip to watch.

This is when Zelda realises that F Scott Fitzgerald

is stealing her work.

I told you that I needed to be alone and, yet,

here you are, judging my... my pace, my process!

You don't just stumble into beauty, Zelda, it takes

herculean focus and effort.

And gin. There are more empty bottles in here than you

-have pages.

-You know, what I do is very different from

the automatic writing that you do in your diary.

How dare you.

These are not random. These are my thoughts and dreams.

And you told me you thought my writing was beautiful.

I'm sorry I interrupted your process.

For your information, I have written

three stories already, but I have to do both.

Max wants the new novel by September and he's

not going to give me another advance.

So, without the stories, how do we afford this house,

how do we afford anything?

You think that just appeared on your wrist by magic?

I don't want this, you horse's ass.

I want YOU.

APPLAUSE

This can't be true, this is your first romantic lead?

It, kind of, is. My, my first, straight, dramatic, romantic lead.

-Wow.

-Yeah.

-Good on ya!

-Thanks.

And it's also, ladies and gentlemen, people may not be aware,

-it's your first use of a merkin.

-Oh, yeah.

Now, for people who are not familiar

-with what a merkin is, do explain.

-Well, a merkin...

-Somebody on this couch already knows what a merkin is.

-So well!

A merkin is a wig for your nether regions.

It's a wig for your nether regions. Nicely described.

Now, I know that body hair was perhaps

different in, kind of,

the time that your show is set.

But you posted a picture of the merkin.

And I have to say, it was bigger than I was anticipating.

You could barely fit that in a fruit bowl.

You must have felt like you were wearing a grass skirt.

-It was big.

-That is an enormous merkin.

-It was pretty big.

-If you don't mind me saying.

Did they trim it to size?

We trimmed it down a lot, yeah.

But what's interesting, the last time I was here,

I had a period...

A period film...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So open. Let's just talk. Let's just talk.

And we'll all do our period anecdotes.

Because I was doing Bel Ami and I had to have full armpit hair.

Yes, he was making you grow them out.

Yes. And you guys kept trying to get me to do cartwheels

-and raise my arms and stuff.

-And you refused!

-I refused.

-Cos you're a lady.

-That's right.

Meanwhile...

Actually, talking of merkin, Ed, you, sort of,

have a story about this. Cos you know...

-Do I?!

-Well, you know the actor Richard Madden, don't you?

-Yeah, very well.

-The last time he was on the show...

-Oh, yeah, he told me.

-..he told a story about "a singer".

-And...

-You don't wear one, do you?!

No, I got given it.

I get given a lot of cakes by fans.

And I used to eat all of the cakes.

And one time I cut into it and there was a load of hair in it.

-GROANING

-So it was somebody who really liked you.

Yeah, I imagine she wanted to be, like, "I'm inside you."

Oh, so, like a Fatal Attraction kind of thing?

-Did you write a song about that?

-No, I didn't. Maybe I should!

There was a massive clump that just, kind of, came out like...

Because, if people... I'm not suggesting anybody does...

That's like a hair pie, right?

If people make something for you, would it ever get to you,

or is there a firewall before it reaches you?

I wish there was more firewalls sometimes.

But, yeah, there's a lot of interesting things that

still show up in my mailbox.

Do you open everything?

-Sorry, don't answer that.

-No.

I will tell you what I do.

Some of it, I open, but I don't return any of it.

Because I just got this feeling that somebody is going to go,

"Yeah, look, he sent me back this letter, because I sent it to..."

And I just got a feeling that that's going to spread,

and I'm going to be getting a whole lot more mail.

You don't want to be like Ringo Starr,

cos he replied to everything and one day was just like,

"I can't any more" and stopped.

And he replied for 40 years to everything.

I had that when I got a fan letter.

You've opened the floodgates now.

I've opened the floodgates and that second one, sssh.

But you have been sent some odd things.

I've been sent some weird things.

I got sent a picture

of a ginger family.

And I've got no idea who they were.

It was my Christmas card to you!

NOW the face seems familiar.

It was really weird, I still don't know, it felt like somebody

was trying to tell me I was adopted.

Now, Josh Widdicombe, very busy man.

He's got a new DVD out now, What Do I Do Now...

-That was your last tour, right?

-Last tour, yeah.

Your sitcom Josh has just been recommissioned. Congratulations.

-Yes, I'm writing the third series now.

-Are you in the middle

-of that now?

-Yes, but it's fine, I'm normally in it, but I'm just going

to cast that guy that looks like Ed Sheeran.

And very exciting, next Friday, The Last Leg is back.

Channel 4, at 10pm.

Now, I have to say, last year, what a gift for

doing a topical...

It was great, wasn't it?

Yeah, great to do a topical show when the world is going to shit.

Everyone's going to die, but we're going to get good ratings.

There was the Rio Olympics, as well, which is a good thing.

Yeah, the Rio Paralympics, we went there.

Then, we had Trump, which was interesting.

And we thought, "He won't get elected."

And he did.

Then, we had Brexit.

I remember sitting in front of the television and seeing

Jeremy Corbyn on your show. How did that happen?

Um, so, Jeremy Corbyn is, kind of, our Bernie Sanders,

I suppose, kind of, figure.

And he came...

Blast from the past.

Great reference.

So, I think we just asked him to come on.

He genuinely turned up for the show and he'd never seen it.

So, he didn't know who I was.

I was, like, "I'm Josh," and he was, like,

thinking I was just some bloke, like...

And I was like, "I'm on the show," and he was like, "Oh, right, OK."

And I think he had been told he was going on a Friday night chat show.

I think he thought he was going on this.

He had his anecdote for the Red Chair and he was ready to go.

I feel like, if you want to be the leader of the country,

it is not that astute to go on a show you have never seen.

It's worrying. You imagine that if he was the leader

of the country and he'd meet the President of America,

and he would go, "I've no idea who you are."

The weirdest thing, I have never said this before,

but I was on a train the week after and he sat down -

in a seat - and he sat down opposite me and he didn't recognise me.

Can you believe it? I was like, "You all right?" And he went, "Yep."

Well, he was very busy.

Then he turned to me and he said, "Are you getting laid?"

I was like, "What are you talking about?"

Quickly, talking of unlikely encounters,

this was all in the papers, because your little...

Oh, no, mate, come on.

-What we read in the papers.

-I got cut up.

-Yes.

-I got cut up.

What do you think? Rugged, right?

I see that. I can't wait to hear about it.

-So, was it Beatrice or Eugenie?

-Oh, mate, I can't talk about it.

-Can you not talk about it?

-No.

-Oh, OK, sorry, I'll shut up.

Was it is a hat accident?

It was James Blunt, he was trying to get his pop career back.

He tried to kill you.

How did it end up in the papers?

I don't know. There wasn't a lot of people there that night.

-I have no idea...

-He can't tell the story!

I can't tell the story. You can say ALLEGEDLY what happened.

Allegedly one of the princesses, Eugenie or Beatrice.

-James Blunt.

-One of them, and James Blunt and Ed Sheeran

were in a room, presumably, in a palace.

And James Blunt ALLEGEDLY wanted to be knighted.

Is that a euphemism?

And so, one of the princesses found a handy sword to knight him.

-What?!

-Did you not read this in the papers?

I didn't know James Blunt was involved.

-Up to THAT point...

-Anyway,

there was a bit of sword play

and Ed Sheeran got cut in the face, is that right?

No.

Do you know what, I have no idea how that story came out,

I have no idea, because like, it was so tight,

and for, like, two weeks afterwards, I had this huge gash on my face

and people would be like, "What happened?"

And you would be like, "Oh, I fell?"

And then, suddenly, it came out. The alleged...

No, no, no. We'll stop. We'll stop.

Very quickly, Matthew, we must mention, this is a huge movie.

Sing. It's already been a huge hit in America.

Previewing this weekend, opens nationwide next Friday,

and it is an animated film, so presumably,

was this genuinely something, so your kids could go

-and see a film with Captain Fun?

-Partially.

I had... I think my kids were tired of answering the question,

not being able to answer the question, they said,

"What is your favourite film your dad's made?"

"We haven't been able to see any."

I look back at my last ten years and I haven't made

anything my kids can see. It is not a good idea to sit them

in front of...a lot of anything I have made in

the last ten years...yet.

You know, that opens up a lot of discussions.

I said I want to make something that they can watch

and so, I went and did Sing.

-Loved it.

-So, you play a koala, Buster Moon, and then...

LAUGHTER

It looks just like me.

When you were doing press for this in Australia,

people weren't upset, but must've been disappointed.

There was a bit of going, "That is our national animal.

"You should be talking like an Australian instead

"of like you did in the film."

I'm like, I lived there for a year, I didn't take it that literally.

I know it's a koala. I have seen them and they are not that fun.

They sit in the tree and everyone goes, "How cute." Other than that...

-Do you know they are all born with chlamydia.

-And they are nasty.

-All koalas are born with chlamydia?

-All koalas have chlamydia.

Lesson learned the hard way there.

It did make me wonder how it became a human disease.

If that's how you are getting laid, I am not interested.

Hence the stuffed pandas.

-I dug myself a hole there.

-You did.

Were you in Australia for a year?

I lived there for a year, as an exchange student,

two weeks out of high school.

A lot of British people go there and Australians come here,

but that is unusual for an American, isn't it?

I think so.

I mean, look, a lot of, not enough Americans

even have a passport.

It's a sly joke.

You know what I mean now.

And where I was raised, a lot of us didn't have passports.

It was my mother's idea, because me, like every other 18-year-old,

I could say maybe I wanted to be this, but I didn't know

what the hell I wanted to be.

So my mom said, "You love to travel, why don't you go off to Australia,

"as an exchange student?" I was like, "Great idea."

I went for the year and worked 11 different odd jobs.

-But they must remember you.

-They do.

Every time I do Australian press,

certain families, the first family I lived with, the Crockers,

whoever is doing the interview says,

"We've got a surprise for you, mate."

And in steps Raymond or Eileen and they go,

"How you going, you going all right?"

I say, "Yeah, I'm doing fine."

Because, Ed Sheeran, you went on your gap year, I guess.

-It was, kind of, a gap year.

-Yeah.

Did you know how long it was going to be when you went on it?

What did you do? You came off social media.

I got rid of my phone completely. Still don't have one.

-You should try it. It is decent.

-Way to sober up on that.

-Seriously?

-I bought an iPad. Now I just do e-mails,

so I got rid of my phone completely and then was like,

I want to go to the countries

where I had been to and toured and only seen a dressing room,

a venue and a bar, and then... So, Australia was one of those.

I had never been to the Sydney Opera House or gone to

the Barrier Reef properly or Gold Coast, so I rented a Mini

and drove up the coast. And then, I did New Zealand

and Japan, for two months,

Iceland, which is great. Everyone should go to Iceland.

There was a lot of death wish, I feel, in your trip.

Iceland was the death wish.

I put my foot in a boiling geyser up a volcano.

-What?!

-I was walking up, on my 25th birthday, I went

to Iceland to see the Northern Lights, and I got, when I was at

the top of the volcano and we were walking round, and they were like,

"Don't go off the path, cos it's dangerous."

I went, "OK," didn't clock it, and I saw a little pool

of water that was bubbling. I thought, "That is quite cool -

"volcano, bubbling." walked over, they were, "Don't walk over there."

And I was like, "Why?" And slipped, the ground collapsed.

-Scary!

-And I don't know if you have had an experience where you felt

like you were going to die, but it went slow motion.

I was like, "Oh, right, that's it, then"

But I was wearing steel-capped Timberland boots,

so it slipped in and I, kind of, fell on the side

and pulled it out

and I just felt melting, and I was like, "Oh, my God!",

screaming, screaming, and they were, "Don't take it off."

And I was like "Why?" And I took

my sock off and all the skin came with it.

-That is so awful.

-So, even worse...

That's not the end of the story?!

-Even worse?!

-I get helicoptered out and they put a skin graft on it,

because there is no skin, and I am like shaking like this in bed,

like trying to get to bed.

Oh, man up!

LAUGHTER

Then, I just pass out and I wake up to the tannoy

of the hotel being like, "Right, there it is, folks,

"the greatest sighting of the Northern Lights

"in the last 20 years. That won't be happening again for a while."

I was hoping the announcement was, "There he is, folks,

"Ed Sheeran with a burned foot."

-It was pretty bad.

-Wow. Is it all right now?

-Is there scarring?

Yeah, it just, kind of, looks like that.

Take your word for it.

You're good, you're good.

So, you checked out for a year and travelled?

-Yes, took a whole year off.

-Because?

-Er...I don't know.

-Has this turned into a job interview?

I got to the end of a five-year tour and had everything

to show for it professionally

and nothing to show for it personally.

Kind of, like, I had all these accolades and plaques

and it was like, "Wow, everything is good" and everyone was like,

"So what you up to when you get back home?" and I was like, "No idea."

And they were like, "How was Australia?" I was like,

"I could tell you about this bar or the plane." I am sure you have that.

I asked, because I've taken trips where I needed to let memory catch

up with me and check in with just me,

go to places where you are anonymous...

That can't happen in very many places with you.

There is a few in Africa I've found.

But I mean, I know what you mean.

Japan was the one for me.

I looked a sales list of where I had sold albums,

and Japan was like... I was like, "I'm going there."

You are going to sing for us and this is extraordinary,

you are number one around the globe right now.

In America, Australia, everywhere. APPLAUSE

And this, is this the only country where you are number one AND two?

No, I am number one and number two in every country.

Apart from America, I am number one and six, cos it works differently

-with radio.

-What, the numbers are in a different order?

-No, America...

-It's a new era!

One, six, three, four, two.

America's the only country in the world where it isn't

just sales. It is radio, and loads of other shit, so it is harder.

So, is the one and two order the same around the world?

-Or does it flip?

-Yeah. I'm hoping after this show, we flip them.

OK! I am hoping two will go to one.

OK. You are giving us your number two tonight.

Ha-ha-ha(!)

Your stage awaits. Ed Sheeran.

Very good.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

OK, here we go, performing Castle On The Hill,

it is Mr Ed Sheeran!

# When I was six years old I broke my leg

# I was running from my brother and his friends

# Tasted the sweet perfume of the mountain grass I rolled down

# I was younger then Take me back to when I

# Found my heart and broke it here

# Made friends and lost them through the years

# And I've not seen the roaring fields in so long

# I know, I've grown

# But I can't wait to go home

# I'm on my way

# Driving at 90 down those country lanes

# Singing to Tiny Dancer

# And I miss the way you make me feel and it's real

# When we watched the sunset over the castle on the hill

# 15 years old and smoking hand-rolled cigarettes

# Running from the law through the back fields

# And getting drunk with my friends

# Had my first kiss on a Friday night

# I don't reckon that I did it right

# But I was younger then Mm, take me back to when we found

# Weekend jobs and when we got paid

# We'd buy cheap spirits and drink them straight

# Me and my friends have not thrown up in so long

# Oh, how we've grown

# But I can't wait to go home

# I'm on my way

# Driving at 90 down those country lanes

# Singing to Tiny Dancer

# And I miss the way you make me feel, it's real

# When we watched the sunset over the castle on the hill

# We watched the sunset over the castle on the hill

# One friend left to sell clothes

# And one works down by the coast

# One had two kids but lives alone

# One's brother overdosed

# One's already on his second wife

# One's just barely getting by

# But these people raised me

# And I can't wait to go home

# And I'm on my way

# I still remember these old country lanes

# When we did not know the answers

# And I miss the way you make me feel, and it's real

# When we watched the sunset over the castle on the hill

# We watched the sunset over the castle on the hill

# We watched the sunset over the castle on the hill. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

-Ed Sheeran, everybody!

Great job!

Come back and join us. That was fantastic.

Thank you so much. It was beautiful. Have a seat.

A hero's return.

Have a seat, do.

Sit, sit, sit, just bunch up there.

Very good. And, of course, the album, everyone's very excited,

the album comes out, Divide, 3rd of March.

-Third album, third month, third day.

-Oh, I've got a vinyl.

-Oh, clever.

-I do!

Check THAT out.

We haven't even made it yet, but we made that

specially for you. Look at it, it's not real.

Oh!

LAUGHTER

Hence, more valuable...

All right, it's nearly time to go,

but we've just got time to go for the visit to the Big Red Chair.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello!

-Hi. What's your name?

-James.

-James, lovely James.

-And what do you do?

-I'm a civil servant.

A civil servant, lovely, in London here?

-Yes, in London.

-And are you from the London area?

No, I live in London, but I'm originally from Suffolk.

Yeah, mate!

It's a Suffolk massive.

Is he mentioned in the song?

Probably, yeah.

-What school did you go to?

-Um, so...I went to Brandestone.

-Oh, sweet, yeah. I went there for primary school.

-OK.

-Did we know each other?

-Yeah.

Did we?!

LAUGHTER

I'm not wearing my glasses. Have a look. I'm not wearing my glasses.

What was it, James?

-Yes.

-James.

-Mee?

-That's the one!

-What the fuck?!

-You DO know him.

-He was my best mate growing up.

-You're kidding?

-My best mate growing up.

And now you're talking to him on a monitor.

I'm not wearing my specs and he's, like...

Can we not flip him and just get him out here and talk to him?

-Yeah, do you have a story?

-Yeah, I did, but it's up to you.

-Please let it be about Ed!

-It IS about Ed.

-OK, tell your story.

-OK, cool.

-Then, we'll flip you.

-I'm going to sit with you.

-Tell your story.

Yeah, cool, so, as Ed was saying...

-This is so random, mate.

-It's really weird.

When we were younger, Ed used to come round my house,

and, like you were saying, we used to be quite good mates.

-BEST mate.

-And I remember one time, one time you were coming

round for tea and I'd forgotten to tell Mum he was a vegetarian.

Um, at that point, anyway.

So, Mum cooked, I think it was sausages and mash for tea.

And Ed said, you know, after the meal, "These are the best sausages

"I've ever tasted, where did you get them from?"

And Mum had to lie, because she had no clue,

and so, yeah...

Do you know, that was the first time I ever had meat.

And also the first time I ever watched a Simpsons episode

-was round your house.

-Yeah. That's right.

Well done, well, we are going to flip you now

and then we can be reunited back stage.

-Put him on the couch!

-OK!

There he goes.

Bring him on, bring him on, he wants to meet him.

I feel like Cilla Black on Surprise, Surprise!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING There he is.

Come on.

Were you just, were you just here randomly?

Have a seat, have a seat, have a seat, do.

LAUGHTER

-Sit down, sit down, sit down.

-Hello!

That's James. That's all we have time for.

They are reunited. It's beautiful.

Well done. If you would like to join us on the show

and have a go in the Red Chair, you can. The address is down there.

But that is it. Please, a huge thank you to my guests, Ed Sheeran

and his mate, James.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Josh Widdicombe! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Christina Ricci! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And Matthew McConaughey! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Join me next week, with musical guest Izzy Bizu,

and a Trainspotting special. Actors Jonny Lee Miller, Ewen Bremner,

Robert Carlyle and Ewan McGregor,

plus Oscar-winning director Danny Boyle. It'll be a good one.

I'll see you then! Goodnight.