Shrek the Third

THUNDER RUMBLES

HOOVES CLATTER

Onward, Chauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower

where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming!

This is worse than Love Letters. I hate dinner theatre!

Me, too.

Whoa there, Chauncey!

Hark! The brave Prince Charming approacheth.

Fear not, fair maiden. I shall slay the monster that guards you

-then take my place as rightful king.

-What did she say?

GROANS

-APPLAUSE

-It's Shrek!

-Whoo, Shrek, yeah!

-ALL CHEER

Prepare, foul beast,

to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar!

# Happy birthday to thee Happy birthday to thee... #

Do you mind?

Do you mind? Boring!

ALL LAUGH

-CLEARS THROAT

-Prepare, foul beast...

ALL LAUGH

-Some day you'll be sorry.

We already are!

HE GROANS

HE SOBS

Mummy...

You're right. I can't let this happen.

I can't!

I am the rightful king of Far Far Away!

And I promise you this, Mother.

I will restore dignity to my throne!

And this time, no-one will stand in my way.

SHREK YAWNS

-Good morning.

-Good morning.

Oh, morning breath.

I know. Isn't it wonderful?

# Good morning, good morning... #

-Hey!

-# The sun is shining through

# Good morning, good morning

# To you! And you! And you! #

CRASHING

-They grow up so fast.

-Not fast enough.

OK, you'll be filling in for the King and Queen.

Several functions require your attendance, sir.

Great! Let's get started.

-SHREK SNORES

-Come on, lazybones! Time to get moving!

Agh! You really need to get yourself a pair of jammies!

# I got some sleep and I needed it

# Not a lot, just a little bit

# Someone's always trying to keep me from it

# It's a crying shame

-# It's a royal pain... #

-I knight thee.

-Agh!

-ALL GASP SHREK LAUGHS Oooh.

APPLAUSE

THEY SCREAM

SCREAMING

# It's a royal pain in the neck... #

If you're filling in for one, you should look like a real king.

Can somebody come in and work on Shrek, please?

I will see what I can do.

Oooh!

Ow!

-Oooh!

-Yeah, wow.

Er, is this really necessary?

Oh, quite necessary, Fiona.

-I'm Shrek, you twit.

-Whatever.

OK, peoples, this isn't a rehearsal. Let's see some hustle!

-Smiles, everyone!

-I don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

I'm sorry, but can you just try to grin and bear it?

-It's just until Dad gets better.

-HE SIGHS

-Shrek?

-Yeah?

-You look handsome.

-Aww. Come here, you.

THEY GROAN

Ohhh! THEY PANT

Oh. My butt is itching up a storm and I can't reach it in this monkey suit.

Oh. Hey, you! Come here. What's your name?

-Er, Fiddlesworth, sir.

-Ho-ho-ho! Perfect.

FANFARE PLAYS

Ladies and gentlemen,

Princess Fiona and Sir Shrek.

Ahh! You've got it.

A little to the left. Yeah. Oooh. That's it! That's good.

-Oh, yeah! Scratch that thing!

-Shrek.

-You're on it.

-Shrek!

-Agh! My eye!

-What are you doing?

-Agh!

SHE SCREAMS Agh! Ooh!

Fiona! Agh!

-Are you OK?

-Yeah. I'm fine.

-SHE GASPS

-Ooh, shrimp! My favourite!

-Fire!

THEY SCREAM

-That's it! We're leaving!

-Please, calm down.

Calm down? Who do you think we're kidding? I am an ogre.

I'm not cut out for this, Fiona, and I never will be.

HE SIGHS

-I think that went well.

-Donkey!

Come on, now, Shrek!

Some people just don't understand boundaries. Mioaw

Just think. A couple more days and we'll be back home

in our vermin-filled shack strewn with fungus

and filled with the stench of mud and neglect.

Oh, you had me at "vermin-filled".

And maybe even the pitter-patter of little feet on the floor.

That's right, the swamp rats will be spawning.

Er, no. What I'm thinking of is a little bigger than a swamp rat.

-Donkey?

-No, Shrek.

-Erm, what if, theoretically...

-Yeah?

..they were little ogre feet?

Oh! HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Argh!

HE SIGHS Honey, let's try and be rational about this.

Have you seen a baby lately?

They just eat and poop, and they cry

then they cry when they poop and poop when they cry.

Now, imagine an ogre baby.

They extra-cry and they extra-poop.

Shrek, don't you ever think about having a family?

Right now, you're my family.

KNOCK AT DOOR Somebody better be dying!

COUGHING I'm dying.

WHEEZING

-Harold?

-COUGHING

Don't forget to pay the gardener, Lillian.

-Of course, darling.

-COUGHING

-Fiona.

-Yes, Daddy?

I know I made many mistakes with you.

-It's OK.

-But your love for Shrek has...taught me so much.

My dear boy,

I am proud to call you my son.

And I'm proud to call you my frog...king dad-in-law.

Now there is a matter of business to attend to-oo-oo.

GASPING

COUGHING

The Frog King...is dead.

SHE SOBS

SPLUTTERING

-Put your hat back on, fool.

-Shrek...

please, come hither.

-Yeah, Dad?

-This kingdom needs a new king.

You and Fiona are next in line for the throne.

Ohh! Next in line. You see, Dad, that's why people love you.

Even on your deathbed, you're still making jokes.

Come on, Dad. An ogre as king?

I don't think that's such a good idea.

There must be somebody else. Anybody!

Aside from you, there is only one remaining heir.

Really? Who is he, Dad?

His name is...

-is...

-What's his name? What's his name?!

-is...

-GASPING

-Daddy!

-WHEEZING

-His name is Arthur.

-Arthur? COUGHING

GASPING

I know you'll do

what's right.

-Harold?

-Dad? Dad!

-Dad?

-Do your thing, man.

SHE WEEPS

# When you were young and your heart

# Was an open book

# You used to say live and let live

# You know you did, you know you did, you know you did

# But if this ever changing world in which we're livin'

# Makes you give in and cry

# Say live and let die

# Live and let die

# Live and let die

# Live and let die

-# Live and let die... #

-THUNDER RUMBLES

HE CHUCKLES

HORSE NEIGHS

PIANO PLAYS

# Hey, lady

# You, lady

# Cursing at your life

# You're a discontented mother

# And a regimented wife... #

HUBBUB

Whoo-hoo!

HUBBUB STOPS

# I ran out of places and friendly faces

# Cos I had this need to be free

# I've been to paradise

# But I've never been to me... #

What does a prince have to do to get a drink here?

Ah, Mabel.

Why they call you an ugly stepsister, I'll never know.

Where's Doris? Taking the night off?

She's not welcome here, and neither are you.

What do you want, Charming?

Not much. Just a chance at redemption.

-HE CHUCKLES

-And a fuzzy navel.

And fuzzy navels for all my friends!

PIANO CLANGS

We're not your friends.

You don't belong here.

You're absolutely right, but, I mean, do any of us?

-Do a number on his face.

-Wait, wait, wait!

We are more alike than you think.

Wicked Witch! The Seven Dwarfs saved Snow White, and what happened?

-Oh, what's it to you?

-They left you the unfairest of them all.

Now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal.

How does that feel?

-Pretty unfair.

-And you!

Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father.

I hate that little wooden puppet.

And Hook. Need I say more?

-HOOK SIGHS

-And you, Frumpypigskin!

-Rumpelstiltskin.

-Where's that firstborn you were promised?

Mabel. Remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot

into that tiny glass slipper?

Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now

eating bonbons, cavorting with every little last fairy tale creature

that has ever done you wrong!

Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers.

But there are two sides to every story

and our side has not been told!

So, who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once?

Who wants their "happily ever after"?

ALL: Yeah!

This way, gents. Ooh!

It's out of my hands, senorita.

The winds of fate have blown on my destiny.

-But I will never forget you. You are the love of my life.

-Meow!

As are you.

And, er, you. And, ooh.

Hi. I don't know you, but I'd like to.

-CATS SQUEAL

-I got to go!

-DRAGON MOANS

-I know, I don't want to leave you either.

But you know how Shrek is. He's lost without me.

But don't worry. I'll send you airmail kisses every day!

All right, be strong, babies. Coco, Peanut, listen to your mama.

-Bananas, no roasting marshmallows on your sister's head.

-BANANAS SNEEZES

Ohh, that's my special boy!

Come here, all of you! Give your daddy a big hug!

THEY LAUGH

Shrek?

Maybe you should just stay and be king.

Come on. There's no way I could ever run a kingdom.

-That's why your cousin Arthur is a perfect choice.

-It's not that. No.

-It's...

-If he gives me trouble, I've always got persuasion and reason.

Here's persuasion... and here's reason.

Fiona, soon it's just going to be you, me and our swamp.

It's not going to be just you and me.

All aboard!

It will be. I promise.

I love you.

-ALL: Aww!

-That's lovely.

Bye-bye, babies!

-Shrek!

-Yeah?

-Wait!

-What is it?

-I'm... I'm...

-HORN BLARES

I love you, too, honey!

-No! I said I'm...

-HORN BLARES

-You're what?

-I said I'm pregnant!

ALL CHEER

Er...what was that?

You're going to be a father!

That's great!

Really? I'm glad you think so!

-I love you!

-Yeah!

Me, too! You!

I'm going to be an uncle! I'm going to be an uncle!

-And you, my friend, are royally...

-HORN BLARES

CLATTERING

Home.

Whoo-hoo!

Ohhh, aye!

-Shrek!

-Oh! SHREK CHUCKLES

Fiona!

Fiona?

SQUEAKING

BABY COOS Oh, no.

BABY BURPS Better out than in, I always say.

SHREK LAUGHS

Whoa!

Whoa-ho!

No, no, no! BABY SCREAMS

No, no. It's OK. It's going to be all right.

-Dada!

-Huh?

Hey! Stop! Hey, wait!

Hey, hey! No!

No, no, no! Oh!

Hey, hey! BABY SCREAMS

SMASHING Oh, no! Hey! What you...? Hey!

-Da-ba-boo.

-BABIES BABBLE

Agh!

Agh! Agh! Agh!

BABIES GIGGLE

SHREK SCREAMS

Donkey. Donkey! Wake up!

-SCREAMING

-Dada!

SHREK SCREAMS

Shrek! Are you OK?

Ohh. I can't believe I'm going to be a father.

-How did this happen?

-Allow me to explain.

You see, when a man has certain feelings for a woman,

a powerful urge sweeps over him.

I know how it happened.

I just can't believe it.

How does it happen?

# And...the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon

# Little Boy Blue and the Man in the Moon

# When you coming home, son? I don't know when

-# But we'll get together then, Dad #

-Donkey!

Can you cut to the part where you're supposed to make me feel better?

You know I love Fiona, boss. Right?

What I am talking about here is you, me, my cousin's boat,

an ice-cold pitcher of mojitos and two weeks of nothing but fishing.

Don't you listen to him!

Having a baby is not going to ruin your life.

It's not my life I'm worried about ruining, it's the kid's.

I mean, when have you ever heard the phrase "as sweet as an ogre"

or "as nurturing as an ogre"

or how about "You'll love my dad. He's a real ogre"?

OK, OK, I get it. Nobody said it's going to be easy.

-But at least you've got us to help you.

-That's true.

-I'm doomed.

-You'll be fine.

You're finished.

Er, with your journey.

"Wor-cess-ter-shiree"? Now that sounds fancy!

-It's Worcestershire.

-Like the sauce?

Mm. It's spicy!

Oh! They must be expecting us.

HORN BEEPS Agh!

GIRLS SCREAM

What in the shista-shire kind of place is this?

Well, my stomach aches and my palms just got sweaty.

-Must be a high school.

-High school?

Ready? OK!

ALL CHANT Wherefore art thou headed, to the top?

We think so, we think so! And dost thou thinkest thine can be stopped?

Nay, we thinkst not, we thinkst not!

HUBBUB

GIRL SCREAMS

All right, Mr Percival, ease up on the reins.

SMASHING

For lo, bro, don't burn all my frankincense and myrrh.

I'm feeling nauseous from memories of wedgies and swirlies!

How did you receive the wedgies

when you are not a wearer of the underpants?

Let's just say some things are better left unsaid.

I was all like, "I'd rather get the black plague than go out with you."

-Oh, totally.

-Pardon me.

-Totally ew-eth!

-Yeah, totally.

Yes! I just altered my character level to plus-3 superb-ability.

Hi. We're looking for someone named...

Who rolled a dork spell and summoned the beast and his quadruped?

HE SNORTS I know you're busy not fitting in,

-but can you tell me where I can find Arthur?

-He's over there.

HORSE NEIGHS

There is no sweeter taste on thy tongue than victory!

ALL CHEER

Strong, handsome, face of a leader.

Does Arthur look like a king or what?

-Ooh!

-Oh. Sorry.

Did you say you were looking for Arthur?

-That is on a need-to-know basis.

-It's top secret! Hushity-hush!

Now, gentlemen, let's away. To the showers!

HORSE NEIGHS

Greetings, Your Majesty. This is your lucky day.

What are you supposed to be? A giant mutant leprechaun or something?

LAUGHTER Giant mutant...

You made a funny.

-Unhand me, monster!

-Stop squirming, Arthur.

I'm not Arthur.

I am Lancelot.

That dork over there is Arthur.

Hey!

This is, like, totally embarrassing

but Tiffany thinkest thou vex her so soothly

-and she thought thou would ask her to the Homecoming Dance.

-Excuse me?

Like, whatever. She's totally into college guys and mythical creatures.

Oh, Arthur!

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

BANGING

You better run, you little punk no-goodniks!

The days of little Donkey Dumpy Drawers are over!

-Er, hold it.

-We're here for the mascot contest.

Er, we're here for the mascot contest, too.

-This is a costume?

-Aaaaaaaaaaaye! Worked on it all night long.

-Looks pretty real to me.

-If he were real, could I do this?

-Ahhh. Oww!

-Or this?

SHREK GROANS

If it were real, that would have been agonizingly painful.

-Now watch this!

-That's quite enough, boys.

Thank you to Professor Primbottom and his invigorating lecture

on how to "just say nay". And now, without further ado,

let's give a warm Worcestershire huzzah

to the winner of our mascot contest, the...

-..ogre?

-ALL GASP

That's right. I'm the new mascot.

So let's really try and beat the other guys

at...whatever it is they're doing!

ALL CHEER

This is all a bit unorthodox.

Now, where can I find Arthur Pendragon?

-Hey, wait...

-ALL LAUGH

-Classic.

-You should be ashamed of yourself!

I didn't do it. They did.

BOTH SNIGGER

-Please don't eat me.

-ALL CHANT: Eat him! Eat him! Eat him!

I'm not here to eat him! ALL: Awww!

It's time to pack up your toothbrush and jammies.

-You're the new King of Far Far Away.

-What?

Artie, a king? More like the Mayor of Loserville!

THEY LAUGH

-Is this for real?

-Absolutely.

Clean out your locker. You've got a kingdom to run.

So, wait... I'm really the only heir?

-The one and only.

-Give me just a second.

My good people, I think there's a lesson here for all of us.

Next time you're about to dunk a kid's head in a chamber pot,

stop and think, "Hey, maybe this guy has feelings."

"Maybe I should cut him some slack."

"Cos maybe, just maybe,

"this guy's going to turn out to be, I don't know, a king?"

"And maybe his first royal decree

"will be to banish everyone who ever picked on him!"

I'm looking at you, jousting team!

And Guin? Oh, Guin.

I've always loved you.

-Eww!

-Well, good friends, it breaks my heart,

but enjoy your stay here in prison while I rule the free world, baby!

All right, let's not overdo it.

I'm building my city, people, on rock'n'roll!

-You just overdid it.

-Ow!

-Stunning!

-Look at you!

-You look darling.

-Just precious. Look at her.

-Any cravings since you got pregnant?

No. Not at all.

-Do you smell ham?

-# It's present time! #

Fiona, please open mine first. It's the one in front.

"Congratulations on your new mess mak..." Oh, mess maker!

"Hopefully this helps. Love, Cinderella."

-ALL GASP

-Look at that!

-What is it?

-It's for the poopies.

-Eww! Wait...babies poop?

-Everyone poops, Beauty.

-Fiona!

-We all chipped in for a little present, too.

-Yeah!

DRUM ROLL ALL: Ta-da!

-ALL: Ohh!

-You know the baby's going to love it, because I do!

Guys, that's so sweet. Thank you. Who's this one from?

I got you the biggest one, because I love you most.

"Have one on me. Love, Snow White."

-Erm, what is it?

-He's a live-in babysitter!

-Where's the baby?

-You're too kind, Snow, but I can't accept this.

Think nothing of it. I have six more at home.

-What does he do?

-Cleaning.

-Feeding.

-Burping.

-So, what are Shrek and I supposed to do?

-Work on your marriage.

Gee, thanks, Rapunzel. What's that supposed to mean?

Come on now, Fiona. You know what happens.

Huh? You're tired all the time.

-You start letting yourself go.

-Stretch marks.

-Say bye to romance.

I'm sorry, but how many of you have kids?

She's right! A baby will strengthen the love Shrek and Fiona have.

How did Shrek react when you told him? Tell me!

Well, when he first found out, Shrek said...

DRAGON ROARS

Onward, my new friends! To our happily ever afters!

HE LAUGHS BEE BUZZES

HE SPLUTTERS

Now...bombs away!

SCREAMING

Well, well, well. If it isn't Peter Pan.

-His name's not Peter!

-Shut it, Wendy.

SHE SCREAMS

SCREAMING

ALL CHEER

HE GROWLS

-HE LAUGHS

-Enough pillaging! To the castle!

DRAGON ROARS

-You've got to take care of the baby!

-Stay calm! We're all going to die!

Everyone in! Now!

Come on! Put some back into it!

We don't have time. Now go!

Quickly, ladies!

We'll hold them off as long as we can!

Where are Shrek and Fiona?

-The name doesn't ring a bell.

-Yeah, no bell.

I suggest you freaks cooperate with the new King of Far Far Away!

The only thing you're ever going to be king of is King of the Stupids!

-Hook!

-Right!

Avast, ye cookie.

-Oohhhh!

-Start talking.

SCREAMING

-Gingy!

-Papa!

-Settle down now.

LAUGHTER

# On the good ship Lollipop

# It's a sweet trip to the candy shop... #

You! You can't lie.

So tell me, puppet... where is Shrek?

Er... Well... I don't know where he's not.

You don't know where Shrek is?

It wouldn't be inaccurate to assume that I couldn't exactly not say

that is or isn't almost partially incorrect.

-So you do know where he is!

-On the contrary, I'm possibly more or less

not definitely rejecting the idea

that in no way, with any amount of uncertainty...

-Stop it!

-..I do not know where he shouldn't probably be.

If that indeed wasn't where he isn't.

Even if he wasn't not where I knew he was, it could mean...

-# On the good ship Lollipop... #

-Enough!

Shrek went off to bring back the next heir!

He's bringing back the next heir?

No!

-Hook! Get rid of this new "King".

-Right!

But bring Shrek to me. I have something special in mind for him.

He'll never fall for your tricks!

Oh, boy.

I can't believe it. Me, a king?

I knew I came from royalty, but I figured everyone forgot about me.

Oh, no. In fact, the King asked for you personally.

Really? Wow.

Look, I know it's not all fun and games.

It really is all fun and games, actually.

Sure, you have to knight a few heroes, launch a ship or two.

By the way, make sure you hit the boat just right with the bottle.

Any idiot can hit a boat with a bottle.

Well, I've heard it's harder than it looks.

Whoa. This is going to be huge.

-Parties, princesses, castles. Princesses.

-It'll be great!

You'll be living in the lap of luxury.

The finest chefs will wait for your order.

-And, fortunately, you'll have the royal food tasters.

-What do they do?

Taste the food before the King eats, to make sure it's not...poisoned.

-Poisoned?

-Or too salty.

Don't worry. You'll be safe and sound with your bodyguards.

All of them willing at a moment's notice

-to lay down their lives out of devotion to you.

-Really?

The kingdom looks to you for wisdom and guidance.

-Just make sure they don't die of famine!

-Or plague.

-Oh, plague is bad.

-The coughing, the groaning, the festering sores.

Festering sores! Hey, you are one funny kitty cat.

-What did I say?

-We don't want Artie getting the wrong idea.

Er, Artie?

ALL: Whoa!

-There goes my hip!

-Artie! What are you doing?

What does it look like?!

This really isn't up to you.

But I don't know anything about being king!

-You'll learn on the job!

-Wahhh!

Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going back!

Back to what? Being a loser?!

-Now look what you did!

-Look what I did?

-Who's holding the wheel, chief?

-Mmmmmmnn!

Shrek!

CRASHING

Land ho!

How humiliating.

Oh, nice going, Your Highness.

-So now it's "Your Highness"? What happened to "loser"? Huh?

-Hey!

If you think this gets you out of anything, it doesn't!

We're heading back to Far Far Away one way or another

-and you're going to be a father!

-What?

-You just said "father".

-I said king! You're going to be king!

"You're going to be king!" Yeah, right.

-Where are you going?

-Far Far Away...from you!

Get back here, young man! I mean it!

Er, boss? I don't think he's coming back.

Maybe it's for the best. He's not exactly king material.

When did you plan on telling him you were supposed to be king?

Come on. Why would I do that?

Besides, he'll be ten times better at it than me.

Whoa. Change your tactics if you want to get anywhere with this kid.

SHREK SIGHS You're right, Donkey.

-What about this?

-Shrek!

-Oh, come on. It's just a joke.

HE LAUGHS Still...

Listen, Artie.

If you think this whole mad scene ain't dope, I feel you, dude.

I'm not trying to get up in your grill or raise your roof.

But what I am screamin' is, yo, check out this ka-zing tha-zing,

bazaby! If it doesn't groove, or what I'm saying ain't straight trippin',

just say, "Oh, no, you didn't! You're getting on my last nerve."

And then I'll know it's... I'll know it's wack!

-Ow!

-Somebody help!

-I've been kidnapped by a monster trying to relate to me!

-Artie, wait.

-Come on! Help! Hello?

-BOTH SCREAM

Greetings, cosmic children of the universe.

Welcome to my serenity circle.

Please leave any bad vibes outside the healing vortex.

Now prepare...

Ohhh! I knew I should've got that warranty!

-Mr Merlin?

-You know this guy?

Yeah. He was the school's magic teacher,

-until he had his nervous breakdown.

-Technically, I was merely a victim

of a level three fatigue. At the request of my therapist,

and school authorities, I retired to the tranquillity of nature

-to discover my divine purpose.

-FLY BUZZES

Now, can I interest anyone in a snack or beverage?

-Er, no.

-Sure you don't want to try my famous rock au gratin?

HE CRUNCHES

-It's organic!

-Thanks. I just ate a boulder on the way in.

What we need are directions back to Far Far Away.

-What's with the "we"? Who said I was going with you?

-I did!

People are counting on you, so don't try to weasel out of it!

If the job's so great, you do it.

Understand this, kid. No more Mr Nice Guy from here on out!

-So that was your Mr Nice Guy?

-I know, and I'm going to miss him.

Why don't you go terrorise a village and leave me alone?!

Was that a crack about ogres? You get your royal highness to Far Far Away

before I kick it there! Now, which way am I kicking?

-HE CHUCKLES

-I could tell you, but since you're in the midst of

a self-destructive rage spiral, it would be karmically irresponsible.

Self-destructive? Look, are you going to help us or not?

Most definitely, but only after you take the journey to your soul!

-Yeah, I don't think so.

-It's either that or primal scream therapy.

All right, all right, journey to the soul.

Now, all of you, look into the fire of truth

and tell me what you see. Ha!

HE YELLS

Ooh, charades! OK, I see a Dutch fudge torte with cinnamon swirls!

OK, monster, go for it.

SHREK SIGHS

BABY CRIES

-I see a rainbow pony.

-Excellent work! Now the boy.

-This is lame. Ow!

-You're lame! Now just go for it!

OK.

There's a baby bird and a father bird sitting in a nest.

Yes! Stay with it! Stay with it!

The dad just flew away. Why did he leave the little bird all alone?

It's trying to fly, but it doesn't know how to.

It's going to fall!

Oooh! Proper head case, you are, aren't you? Really messed up.

HE SIGHS

Yeah, yeah, OK, I get it. The bird's me. My dad left. So what?

Look, Artie, erm... SOFT MUSIC PLAYS

Just thought I'd help set the mood

for your big heart-to-heart chat!

MUSIC STOPS, DOOR BANGS

SHREK SIGHS

I know what it's like to not feel ready for something.

Even ogres get scared.

You know...once in a while.

I know you want me to be king, but I can't.

I'm not cut out for it, and I never will be, all right?

Even my own dad knew I wasn't worth the trouble.

He dumped me at that school first chance he got

and... I never heard from him again.

SHREK SIGHS My dad wasn't really the fatherly type, either.

Well, I doubt he was worse than mine.

Oh, yeah?

My father was an ogre. He tried to eat me.

Now, I guess I should have seen it coming.

He used to bath me in barbecue sauce

and put me to bed with an apple in my mouth.

OK, I guess that's pretty bad.

Y'know, it may be hard to believe, with my obvious charm and good looks,

but people used to think I was a monster.

And for a long time, I believed them.

But after a while, you learn to ignore the names people call you

and you just trust who you are.

Y'know...you're OK, Shrek.

You just need to do a little less yelling and use a little more soap.

-Thanks, Artie.

-The soap's because you stink...really bad.

Yeah... I got that.

WATER TRICKLES Oh, this place is filthy!

I feel like a hobo.

I'm sorry, but this isn't working for me.

Everything's always about you. It's not like your attitude is helping.

Maybe it just bothers you I was voted fairest in the land.

Oh, you mean in that rigged election?

Oh, give me a break. "Rapunzel, Rapunzel,

"let down thy golden extensions!"

Ladies, let go of your petty complaints and let's work together!

ALL SIGH

So I guess the plan is we just wander aimlessly

in this stinkhole until we rot.

No, we get inside and find out what Charming's up to.

I know he's a jerk and everything,

but that Charming makes me hotter than July.

-ALL: Eww!

-That's it!

-Come on! This way!

-Rapunzel, wait!

-Charming, let go of her.

-But why would I want to do that?

-SHE PURRS

-Woof!

-What?

-Say hello, ladies, to the new Queen of Far Far Away.

Yay!

-Rapunzel, how could you?

-Jealous much?

Soon you'll be back where you started,

scrubbing floors or locked away in towers,

that is, if I let you last the week.

But, pookie, you promised you wouldn't hurt them.

Not here, kitten whiskers. Daddy will discuss it later.

Now, forgive us. We have a show to put on.

Shrek will be back soon, Charming, and you'll be sorry.

Sorry?! Don't you realise, once Shrek sets foot in Far Far Away,

he's doomed?

SHREK GASPS

CREAKING

Ow!

Aghhh!

-HE PLAYS SINISTER MUSIC

-Look out! They've got a piano!

Kill them all... except the fat one.

King Charming has something special in mind for you, ogre.

-King Charming?

-Attack!

Artie, duck!

Aghhh!

BOTH PLAY JAUNTY TUNE

Ready the plank!

-Shrek!

-Help!

-You cowards!

-What has Charming done with Fiona?

She's going to get what's coming to her. Agh!

And there ain't nothing you can do to stop him!

-We have to save her.

-But she's so far, far away!

-Get yourself back to Worcestershire, kid.

-No, Shrek. Hold on.

-I've got an idea.

-I am a buzzing bee. Buzz, buzz, buzz...

Mr Merlin? They need a spell to get them...

..I mean us, back to Far Far Away.

Forget it. I don't have that kind of magic in me any more, kid.

How about a hug instead, hm? That's the best kind of magic.

Mr Merlin, please! I know you can do it.

-I said forget it!

-But...

HE SOBS

-What's with you?

-It's just so hard, you know?

They really need to get back, cos their kingdom's in trouble.

Cos there's a really bad man.

-And it's just so hard!

-Take it easy.

No! I don't think you understand!

There's a mean person doing mean things to good people.

-Have a heart, old man.

-They really need your help to get back!

-So why won't you help them?!

-Oh.

-HE JABBERS

-OK.

I'll go get my things.

CLEARS THROAT Piece of cake.

Well, well, well. Do you want some eggs with that ham?

Now, erm, I am a little rusty, so there could be some side effects.

-Side effects?

-Don't worry. Whatever it is, no matter how painful,

it'll wear off eventually. I think.

Aghh!

-Oops.

-Are you sure this is a good idea?

Look, if Artie trusts him, that's good enough for me.

-Even if his robe doesn't quite cover his...

-Alacritious expeditious

a-zoomy-zoom-zoom!

Let's help our friends get back...

..erm...soon!

Whoa! It worked!

ALL SCREAM

Oh, man, I haven't been on a trip like that since college!

Donkey?

What? Is there something in my teeth?

Huh!

What the...? Oh, no! I've been abracadabra-ed into

a fancy-feastin', second-rate sidekick!

Ohh.

At least you don't look like some kind of bloated roadside pinata!

You should think about going on a diet!

You should get yourself a pair of pants! I feel all exposed and nasty!

-BOTH LAUGH

-So you two think this is funny?

-I'm really sorry, guys.

-Don't be. You got us back, kid.

Ow! Ow! How in the Hans Christian Andersen

am I supposed to parade around in these goofy boots?

Hey, hey, hey! Be very careful with those! Hee-haw!

They were made in Madrid by the finest... Hee-haw!

Oh, you'll learn to control that.

Seriously! You need comfort inserts or arch supports or something.

Ooh.

HORSES NEIGH

Hey! Watch it. I'm walking here and I'm going to keep going...

-Pinocchio?

-Shrek!

-Pinocchio!

-Help me!

-What's happened?

-Charming and the villains took over!

They attacked us! Fiona and the Princesses got away. Now she's...

She's what?! She's what?!

-Puss! Loan me five bucks.

-You heard the man. Help the brother out.

-Do you see any pockets on me?

-Hold on a second.

Ah-ha!

I had no idea, really. I... I swear.

Quick! Where is Fiona?

Charming has her locked away some place secret. You've got to find him!

-He's probably getting ready for the show!

-Wait!

Wait, Pinocchio! What show?

"It's a Happily Ever After After All".

"Shrek's final performance"?

Whoa! Shrek! You didn't tell us you were in a play!

Well, I guess I've been so busy, I forgot to mention it.

It's the ogre! Get him!

Don't worry. I got this.

-Urgh! Kill it!

-Look. Don't you know who he thinks he is?

-How dare you!

-We're dealing with amateurs.

He's a star, people! Hello? I'm so sorry about this, Mr Shrek.

-I'm going to lose it!

-I assume everything is ready for tonight?

-You did get the list for the dressing room?

-Yeah!

Breakfast croissant stuffed with seared sashimi tuna.

And saffron corn with jalapeno honey butter. Our client

cannot get into his proper emotional state without jalapeno honey butter!

-I just lost it.

-Oh.

-They should talk to Nancy in Human Resources.

Oh, we'll have much to say to Nancy, I promise!

-PIANO PLAYS

-"With this sword, I do..." No.

"With..." "With this sword, I do smote thee!"

Is that the right word? "Smote"? "Smoot"?

I don't think that's a word. Maybe I should "smite" him.

Let's try this again. Now...

Shrek attacks me. I pretend to be afraid. Oooh.

"Now the kingdom gets the happily ever after they deserve. Die, ogre!"

Blah, blah, blah. Oh, it just doesn't feel real enough yet!

-Who told you to stop dancing?!

-Oh. Wink and turn.

What are you laying around for? Get up! Honestly!

Our happily ever after is nearly complete, Mummy.

And I assure you,

the people of this kingdom will pay dearly

for every second... we've had to wait.

Break a leg. On second thought, let me break it for you.

Thank goodness you're here. I thought you wouldn't get back.

Where's Fiona?

Don't worry. She and the others are safe...for now.

Ow!

Hm. Let me guess.

-Arthur.

-It's Artie, actually.

This boy is supposed to be the new King of Far Far Away?

-HE LAUGHS

-How pathetic.

Stand still so I won't make a mess.

Charming, stop! I'm here now. You got what you wanted.

-This isn't about him.

-Then who's it about?

I'm supposed to be king, right?

You weren't really next in line for the throne.

OK? I was.

But you said the King asked for me personally.

-Not exactly.

-What's that supposed to mean?

I said whatever I had to say, all right?

I wasn't right for the job, so I needed some fool to replace me.

And you fit the bill. So just go!

-You were playing me the whole time.

-You catch on real fast, kid.

Maybe you're not as big of a loser as I thought.

-You know, for a minute there, I actually thought you...

-What?

That he cared about you? He's an ogre.

What did you expect?

You really do have a way with children, Shrek.

# Leave me out with the waste

# This is not what I do

# It's the wrong time

# She's pulling me through

# It's a small crime

# And I got no excuse

# And is that all right, yeah?

# Is that all right with you?

# Is that all right, yeah?

# If I give my gun away when it's loaded?

# If you don't shoot it, how am I supposed to hold it?

# Is that all right? Is that all right?

# Is that all right with you? No. #

Had we stayed put like I suggested, we'd be sipping tea

-out of little heart-shaped cups.

-Yeah, heart-shaped cups!

-And eating crumpets smothered with loganberries.

-Yeah, loganberries.

-Shut up, Cindy.

-Yeah, shut up!

-No, you shut up.

-Stay out of this!

Who cares who's "running the kingdom"?

-I care.

-You should all care, too.

-KEYS JANGLE

-Hey!

-Ow!

Agh!

-I have your badge number, tin can!

-DONKEY HISSES

-Donkey?

-Princess!

-Puss?

I am Puss, stuck here inside this hideous body.

-And I'm me!

-But you're...

I know everything's fruity in the loops, but we went to high school

the boat crashed and we got bippity- boppity-booped by the magic man.

-You poor sweet things.

-I don't get it.

The cat turned into a little horse who smells like feet. What's to get?

-Who dat?

-Where's Shrek?

Charming has him. He plans to kill Shrek tonight

-in front of the whole kingdom!

-SHE GASPS

All right, everyone. We need to find a way out now.

You're right. Ladies, assume the position!

-SHE YAWNS

-What are you doing?

-Waiting to be rescued.

-SHE SNORES

-You've got to be kidding me.

What do you expect us to do? We're just four...

I mean three super-hot princesses,

two circus freaks, a pregnant ogre and an old lady!

Hm. Excuse me. Old lady coming through.

Heeee-ya!

-Wow.

-Ohhh.

-Whoa.

-Mom!

-Well, You didn't think you got your fighting skills

-from your father, did you?

-Excuse me. There's still one more.

Hmm!

Heeee-ya!

-SHE HUMS

-Why don't you just lie down?

SHE HUMS

OK, girls, from here on out, we take care of business ourselves.

"Ladies and gentlemen, The Far Far Away Theatre

"at the Charming Pavilion is proud to present..."

Enjoy your evening of theatrical reverie, citizen.

Oi! No food or beverages in the theatre!

BAND PLAYS DRAMATIC MUSIC

Places, everyone!

-Ow! Easy!

-Sorry.

-I guess I was just showing off for the little one.

-Huh?

It's Bring Your Kids To Work Day. Come here, beautiful.

Well, she's...got your eye. HE LAUGHS

Who'd have thought a monster like me deserved someone as special as you?

BELLS CHIME

SHE IMITATES BIRD CALL

SINGING BIRDS SING BACK

SINGING BIRDS SING BACK

SHE SINGS

# Little birdies, take wing

# Flitting down from the trees they appear

-# And chirp in my ear... #

-BIRDS CHIRP

# All because I sing... #

SHE SINGS BIRDS SING BACK

SHE SINGS BIRDS SING BACK

SHE SINGS

HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS

# Ahh-ahh-ahh, ahh!

# Ahh-ahh-ahh, ahh! #

Oh! Ow! Ooh! Ooh! Aghhh!

-Oh!

-Move it! Go! Go!

-My babies!

-Aghhh!

-Ow! Ow! Help!

-Hey!

# So this ain't the end I saw you again today

# I had to turn my heart away

# Now, if the real thing don't do the trick

# You better make up something quick

# You're gonna burn, burn, burn, burn right into the wick

# Oooh

# Oh-oh

# Barra-barracuda... #

-WOLF-WHISTLING

-Hey, how's it goin'?

O to the K. The coast is clear.

All right, people, let's do this. Go, Team Dynamite!

I thought we agreed we'd go by the name of Team Super Cool.

-I recall it was Team Awesome.

-I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron.

All right, all right. From henceforth,

we will be Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynamite Wolf Squadron.

Ach du liebe! There is some strange little girl over there staring at us!

-Artie!

-Wait, wait! Hey. Hey! Where is the fire, senor?

Oh, please. Don't act so innocent.

You both knew what was going on and you kept it to yourselves.

-It's not like it seems.

-It's not? I think it seems pretty clear.

He was using me. That's all there is to it.

Using you? Man, you really don't get it.

Shrek only said those things to protect you.

Charming was going to kill you, Artie!

Shrek saved your life.

Cue the spot!

# I wait alone up here

# I'm trapped another day

# Locked up here, please set me free

# My new life I almost see

# A castle, you and me

# Yes, a castle, you and me. #

Cherubs!

# 'Tis I, 'Tis I Upon my regal steed

# Princess, my love At last you shall be freed

# I'm strong and brave And dashing my way there

# With speed! With might! With soft and bouncy hair

-# Through the blistering desert... #

-ALL: Hot!

-# Across the stormiest sea... #

-ALL: Wet!

-# Facing creatures so vile! #

-ALL: Foul!

# So you can gaze upon me!

# I knew you'd come for me

# And now we finally meet

# I knew you'd wait and from my plate of love you'd eat... #

SHE ROARS

ALL CHEER

# Who is this terribly ugly fiend Who so rudely intervened?

# Will Charming fight or will he flee?

-# Please rescue me!

-From this monstrosity

# Fear thee not, honey lamb, I will slice this thing up like a ham... #

-Oh, boy.

-# You are about to enter a world of pain

# with which you are not... Familiar...

-# Aaaaarrrr... #

-GLASS SMASHES

Well, it can't be any more painful than your lousy performance.

ALL LAUGH

"Prepare, foul beast."

-CLEARS THROAT

-Prepare, foul beast, your time is done!

If you don't mind, could you kill me and then sing?

-ALL LAUGH

-Be quiet!

Oh, I'm just having fun with you. That's actually a very nice leotard.

-Oh. Thank you.

-Do they come in men's sizes?

-ALL LAUGH

-Now that be funny!

Enough!

Now you'll finally know what it's like

to have everything you worked for,

everything that's precious to you, taken away!

Now you'll know how I felt!

DRAGON ROARS

-Yaaaah!

-Sausage roll!

-Yaaah!

Whooooa!

Arrr.

Ya! Aghhhhhh!

SHE GASPS

-Pray for mercy from Puss!

-And Donkey!

Hey!

-CHEERING

-Hya! Hi, honey.

Sorry we're late. You OK?

Much better now that you're here.

ALL: Awwww!

So, Charming, you want to let me out of these

so we can settle this ogre-to-man?

Ooh, that sounds fun! But I have a better idea.

ALL YELL

Ohhh.

-SCREAMS

-No! Let go of me!

-Fiona!

You will not ruin things this time, ogre. Kill it.

-Everybody, stop!

-ALL GASP

-Oh, what is it now?!

-Artie?

-ALL GASP

-Uh!

Who really thinks we need to settle things this way?

You're telling me you just want to be villains your whole lives?

But we are villains! It's the only thing we know.

Didn't you ever wish you could be something else?

Easy for you to say. You're not some evil enchanted tree.

You morons! Don't listen to him! Attack them!

What Steve means is it's hard to come by honest work

-when the whole world's against you.

-Right. Thanks, Ed.

OK. Fair enough. You're right. I'm not a talking tree.

But, you know, a good friend of mine once told me,

just because people treat you like a villain,

or an ogre,

or just some loser...

..it doesn't mean you are one.

The thing that matters most is what you think of yourself.

If there's something you really want, or someone you want to be,

then the only person standing in your way is you.

-Me?

-Get him, lads!

-ALL CHEER

No, no, no! What I mean is,

each of you is standing in your own way.

ALL: Ahhhh.

I've always wanted to play the flute.

I'd like to open up a spa...in France!

I grow daffodils. And they're beautiful.

CHEERING

-LAUGHTER

-No!

ALL GASP SHREK GROANS

A new era finally begins!

Now, all of you,

-bow before your King!

-ALL GASP

CLEARS THROAT You need to work on your aim.

ALL LAUGH

This was supposed to be MY happily ever after!

Well, I guess you need to keep looking...

..cos I'm not giving up mine.

Mummy?

It's yours if you want it, you know?

But this time it's your choice.

ALL CHEER

-Whoo!

-Yeah!

Arthur!

ALL CHANT: Artie! Artie! Artie! Artie!

Er, excuse me. That's my seat.

OK, Senor Hocusy-Pocusy, the time has come to rectify some wrongs!

Although I have been enjoying these cat baths.

-Please say you didn't.

-All right, all right! Look.

You'll feel a pinch and possibly lower intestinal discomfort

but this should do the trick.

-Are you...?

-I'm me again!

-And I am not you!

-All right!

Oops.

Ah, never mind.

What did I tell you? I think the kid's going to be a great king.

Well, for what it's worth, you would have, too.

I have something much more important in mind.

Finally.

SHREK CHUCKLES

-Dada.

-SHREK LAUGHS

# Was I wrong about the world?

-# It's a beautiful new place... #

-I smell Shrek Junior!

# Where else could a creep like me... # Oh!

# Meet such a pretty face

# Meeting every day with the rising sun

# Looking up, it's looking like BUBBLES POP

# My losing streak is done... #

-Peek-a-boo!

-BABY LAUGHS

-Peek-a-boo!

-Bouncy, bouncy, boy!

-# Used to always feel like... #

KNOCK AT DOOR # Wished that I was dressed better... #

-Hey!

-Where's the baby?

-# Never had a lot of luck

# Until I finally met her... # BABY GIGGLES

SHREK LAUGHS

# Meeting every day with the rising sun

# Looking up, it's looking like

# My losing streak is done... # BOTH BURP

BURPING BREAKING WIND # My losing streak is done. #

Well...what shall we do now?

SHREK SNORES

BABY CRIES

SIGHS: I got it.

-Puss and Donkey, baby! Once again, baby, come on!

-Oh, yeah!

# I want to thank you for letting me be myself

-# Again

-Looka-looka-look at my hips!

# I want to thank you for letting me be myself

# Again! #

-Break it down!

-Let's go!

# Stiff all in the collar

# Fluffy in the face

# Chit, chat, chatter trying

# Stuffy in the place Hey! Whoo!

# Thank you for the par-tay

-# But I could never stay

-I'm sorry.

# I got many things on my mind

# But the word's in the way

# And I want to thank you for letting me be myself

# Again

# Different strokes for different folks

# Thank you for letting me be myself

# Again... #

Break it down!

Puss and Donkey, baby!

Puss and Donkey, baby!

Puss and Donkey, baby!

# Dance to the music

# All night long

# Everyday people

# Sing a simple song

# Mama's so happy

# Mama start to cry

# Papa's still singing

# You can make it if you try So try!

# Thank you for letting me be myself

-# Again

-# Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Thank you for letting me be myself

# Again... #

Come on, Donkey. Do something right!

Put the hoof together! Put the hoof together!

Stomp your boots, baby!

Stomp your boots, baby! Stomp your boots, baby!

# Thank you for letting me be myself

-# Again

-Muchas gracias! Andale!

# I want to thank you for letting me be myself

# Again...

# Thank you for letting me be myself

# Again... #

Subtitles by IMS