Shrek: The Ghost of Lord Farquaad


Shrek: The Ghost of Lord Farquaad

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Ta-da!

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FAIRY GASPS AND SQUEALS

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ECHOING SQUEALING

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Nah, that's a dead end.

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Oh, come on, Shrek, who needs a map when you've got animal instinct?

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Ah-ah-AH...!

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-AH-TCHOO!

-D'oh!

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Darn bugs!

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-Stupid...

-Uh-oh!

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-Come on, ya...!

-Shrek, a little help here!

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Where are ye...?

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Oh, I say we take the turn at 305 and get off at Fairytale Forest.

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What are you talking about?

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Or we could fly there!

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Is there an off button on you?

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AH-TCHOO!

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-FIONA SNIFFLES AND CRIES

-Aw, what's wrong, Princess?

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You shouldn't be this unhappy until years into the marriage.

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It's the happiest... SHE SNIFFS

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-..day of my life.

-Let me guess.

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-It's just...

-You're overwhelmed by love!

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No!

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I mean, yes.

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-That's why I...

-The shrimp batter was bad?

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-No, Donkey! I'm just...

-Wait! Wait! I got it!

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I got it! You always wanted a puppy, but all you got was toasters!

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No, I'm sitting in an onion!

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This carriage is one big onion.

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Oh! Why didn't you say so?

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I'll turn on the air.

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FIONA EXHALES

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-Much better.

-Noble steed at your service.

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Would you look at that! Donkey!

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I found a shortcut.

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DRAMATIC MUSIC

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Are you crazy?!

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-Jiminy! That's a big one.

-Argh! What?! Hey, man, I hate spiders!

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DONKEY BLOWS FRANTICALLY

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Stop that! Argh! Where'd he go?!

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ARGH! ARGH!

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SHREK CHUCKLES AND DONKEY YELPS

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You are too easy to scare. Come on.

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That forest could be hexed by anything!

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Uh-uh. I ain't going in there.

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Listen, I'm an ogre - I'm the one that does the scaring.

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What is there to be scared of?

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-THUNDER CRASHES

-That!

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Thelonious!

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-Hey! What are you doing?!

-Sorry, Princess, honeymoon's over!

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Wah-yah!

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Hee-hee-hee.

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-Let go!

-Argh, Shrek!

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-Fiona!

-Shrek!

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-Fiona!

-Let me go!

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-To the carriage!

-Shre-ek!

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We've got a donkey driving a carriage made from an onion.

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It's dark and our horses are wearing sunglasses.

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-Cut to the chase, Donkey, just cut to the chase!

-Hit it, boys!

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Yee-ha!

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-Fiona!

-HIGH-PITCHED: Shrek!

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BIRD SQUAWKS

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Oh! Argh!

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He-e-elp!

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All done.

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No! No!

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No! Whoa!

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No!

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That was close!

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Aw, now that's sweet.

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-Shrek. Shrek!

-Watch out!

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Whoa!

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Brb-brb-brb!

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-Liquorice?

-Oh...

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Hey, Shrek!

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I hope you're insured!

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That house cost me a lot of dough-ough-ough!

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Whoa!!!

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-Is there a doctor in the house?

-Sorry about that, Ginge!

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That's close.

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Whoa!

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FIONA YELPS AND HOLLERS

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BOTH: Oh, no!

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BOTH: Whoa-argh!

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I can see! I can see!

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Oh!

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Oh, never mind.

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Fiona!

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ECHOING AND DISTANT HOWLING

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Shrek, uh, this isn't another one of those shortcuts, is it?

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Just get a move on.

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-OK. I'm not afraid.

-Urgh.

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-Fiona!

-I can do this.

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I'm a noble steed.

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It's all right, it's just a park with no children and no playground.

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Argh! Shrek! Shrek!

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I feel dead people.

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Uh...

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Are you getting the willies?

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The trembles, the shakes, the heebie-jeebies?

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Stop messing with me, Shrek!

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This place is already creeping me out.

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Oh, don't tell me you're afraid of ghosts.

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-I'm not afraid.

-SHREK CHUCKLES

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-GOOD!

-Uh!

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What a crack up!

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Shrek! Shrek, wait up!

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DISTANT HOWLING

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Talk about rewriting history...

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GHOSTLY ROARING

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Well, looks like Farquaad's still trying to compensate for something.

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I wonder what that could be.

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I don't know, this is just plain freaky.

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I wonder if he's behind all this.

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That's just crazy talk!

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GHOSTLY CACKLING

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Sh!

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DONKEY GASPS

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Now I'm seeing things!

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Can we get out of here, please?

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Sure, of course!

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Now, you wouldn't happen to have

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another carriage in your pocket, would you?

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Donkeys don't HAVE pockets!

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But some of us do have wings!

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HE WHISTLES

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WHISTLE ECHOES

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CRUMBLING AND GROWLING

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-ROARING

-Uh-oh, wrong dragon!

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Wrong whistle!

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FIENDISH CACKLING

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Farquaad!

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What have you done with my wife?!

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Your wife? Don't you mean your widow?

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I know I seen you die in the first movie!

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You fools!

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This time it's your turn to be the entree!

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OK, my sweet, take care of them!

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Bon appetit! HE CACKLES

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-DONKEY WHISTLES

-Will you stop that!

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DONKEY CONTINUES WHISTLING

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Shut it!

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-BOTH: Argh!

-You can go first!

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I'll be the dessert!

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Oh, great(!)

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Whoo!

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That's my girl!

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DRAGON ROARS

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Hey, baby, I was hoping you'd show up!

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-Princess at three o'clock!

-Help!

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-Hey, Princess!

-Fiona!

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THEY SCREAM

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Whoa!

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BOTH: Whoa-oa!

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Waaaaargh!

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SHREK BREAKS WIND AND DRAGON GRUNTS

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Oops! Sorry!

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-Whoa!

-I'm coming in!

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-Dive! Dive!

-Dive! Dive! Dive!

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This is Red Dragon. We're going in.

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Whoo!

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DRAGON ROARS

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Evasive action!

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Lock and load!

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Whoo-hoo!

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Still...

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Still!

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Fire now!

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Attack wings, now!

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Turn and burn!

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Whoo-hoo!

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Ha-ha, like I always say -

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behind every successful donkey,

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there's a fire-breathing dragon.

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FARQUAAD CACKLES

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You might as well stop struggling, Princess.

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Soon, you and I will be together for ever.

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With you as my spirit queen,

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I'll be king of the underworld!

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Over my dead body!

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Exactly!

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Over she goes, Thelonious.

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HE CACKLES

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-Thelonious?!

-Sorry, Princess.

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No! Nitwit!

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-Not with you on it!

-Huh?

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FIONA GRUNTS AND GROANS

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THELONIOUS GROANS LOUDLY

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Oh!

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Sorry, Thelonious!

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Never mind him.

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See you on the other side, Princess.

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Never!

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Stop playing hard to get!

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-Stop it!

-You know I'm irresistible.

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-Ah!

-Fiona!

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Shrek!

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Impossible! I thought they were dragon food!

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We'll save you!

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-Are you OK?

-I think so.

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FARQUAAD LAUGHS FIENDISHLY

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I don't think so!

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ALL: Whoa-oa-oa!

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Splendid!

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They all fall for me sooner or later.

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THEY SCREAM

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Cut!

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Uh-oh!

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SHREK GROANS AND STRAINS

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ALL: ARGH!

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Fiona!

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-Yes?

-My short, furry life is flashing before my eyes!

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-I love you!

-I love you too!

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THEY SHRIEK

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-Ha-ha!

-Whoo!

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Yee-ha!

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FARQUAAD CONTINUES LAUGHING

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Fiona? My ghostly queen?

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Where are you?

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Right over here, sweetie.

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Oh, my angel!

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Oh, no! Not again!

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-We've got a loaded dragon here...

-..and we're not afraid to use it.

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Oh, it was just a joke! Stay away from me!

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Fire!

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Noooooo!

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MULTIPLE VOICES WAIL

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DRAGON SNORTS

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Thanks, Dragon.

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And thank you, Donkey.

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You truly are a noble steed.

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Look at you, Donkey, all covered in fur - I love ye!

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-Shucks!

-Oh!

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I'm think I'm going to cry.

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Come on, baby, let's go home.

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Let's go home and make some waffles!

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Waffles?

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It's a long story...

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Ah, finally, we're alone.

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SMOOCHING

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VARIOUS VOICES: Awww!

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What are you doing?!

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Uh, nothing?

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Ai-ai-ai-ai...

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Let the honeymoon begin!

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CHEERING

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FAIRY YELPS

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