Pennod 3 Caryl


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Pennod 3

Mwy o gomedi yng nghwmni Caryl Parry Jones a'r criw. More comedy from Caryl Parry Jones and her team of actors including sketches from our favourite teenager and more about rugby!


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-# A holiday in the Caribbean,

-Oh yeah

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-# A holiday in the Caribbean,

-Oh yeah #

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-Another day of our adventure holiday

-in this wonderful country of ours.

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-I wonder where the universe

-will lead us today.

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-Look, Jojo!

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-Someone is hitchhiking.

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-Let's give him a lift.

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-Let's give him a lift.

-

-Good idea.

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-Slow own, Jojo!

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-A stranger is just a friend

-we've yet to meet.

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-Or an axe murderer!

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-Hello.

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-Where are you going?

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-Where are you going?

-

-What?

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-Do you follow the path of the stars?

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-Do you follow the path of the stars?

-

-What?

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-Leave this to me, Val.

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-Where's your journey's end,

-brother?

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-Where does a lonely traveller

-need to rest, dude?

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-What?

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-Hop in.

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-Hello, listeners.

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-Welcome back.

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-# DJ Lwmp and Dr Dre

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-# The best DJs ever, OK?

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-# Listen to every word we say

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-# No way

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-# No way

-

-# Yes way

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-# DJ Lwmp

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-# DJ Lwmp

-

-# And Dr Dre #

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-DJ Lwmp, AKA Oswyn, and his friends

-are in the studio today.

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-Eurwyn.

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-And I'm not Oswyn's friend.

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-I'm his cousin.

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-Whatever.

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-Anyway, listeners, let's hear about

-all the exciting things...

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-..which are happening in our area.

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-It's time for our weekly slot -

-What's On.

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-# What's On, What's On

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-# What's On #

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-Off you go, Oswyn Lwmp!

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-This is the list of exciting things

-which are happening in our area.

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-Milk, Frosties, beans,

-hair removal cream, Heat magazine...

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-Hold on! That's Mam's shopping list.

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-Here we go!

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-What's happening in our area.

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-On Saturday, the school is holding

-a summer fair...

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-..to raise money

-to buy a new alarm system...

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-..after burglars stole the old one.

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-Hello, sweetheart.

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-What's for tea?

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-Dad isn't home yet.

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-Dad isn't home yet.

-

-Is he cooking tonight?

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-Yes.

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-Yes.

-

-Yes!

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-RINGTONE

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-OK! I know it's you, Jools,

-so stop going on about it.

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-Right. What?

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-Guess what.

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-Guess what.

-

-What?

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-You know the thing Miss Dafis said?

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-You know the thing Miss Dafis said?

-

-What thing?

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-The thing on the paper about thingy.

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-The thing on the paper about thingy.

-

-The thing on the paper?

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-What, Jools?

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-What, Jools?

-

-The twinning thing with Miss Dafis.

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-She gave us a sheet of paper...

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-..about our school

-twinning with one from the north.

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-The north is coming south

-and we've got to put them up.

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-The names of the northerners were on

-sheets of paper and we chose one.

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-I chose a hot dude...

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-..called Llion Gwyrfai.

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-How lush is that? Llion Gwyrfai.

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-You weren't there. You were

-in your Able And Talented class.

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-I got the paper for you

-and you put it in your bag.

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-Don't lose it

-or you'll miss out on the hotties.

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-It's fine.

-I gave all my papers to... Mam!

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-Oh!

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-Anyway, I phoned him

-and he sounds really cool.

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-He said, "Hiya, Jools. How are you?"

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-He has a totes lush accent.

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-Ffi?

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-Friends, gather around.

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-Today on Bwrlwm,

-we'll discuss the creative process.

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-You can see the fruits of my labour

-as I, Sioned Grug...

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-..me, Esyllt Rhyd Rhychiog...

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-..and me, Gwenan Bonc...

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-..invite you

-into our haven of creativity.

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-We'll develop our discussion

-on the subject of...

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-..shame.

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-Welcome to Bwrlwm.

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-The Monologues Of Shame,

-by Sioned Grug.

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-Somewhere in the bowels

-of the conscience...

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-..of every single member

-of the human race...

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-..lurks shame.

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-It devours our souls.

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-It wallows in our very nature.

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-Sorry.

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-Lying at the bottom

-of every bottle... what?

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-I thought I was meant to stand up

-after "vomits".

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-Yes. I was telling you to speed up.

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-Lying at the bottom of every bottle,

-the truth vomits out.

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-Its honesty

-shakes every ounce of confidence...

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-..like reeds

-in the fishy wind of guilt.

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-"The fishy wind of guilt" sounds

-like a salmon with indigestion.

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-Here's Cameron Jenkins,

-a vital part of the team.

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-A historic victory in

-one of the biggest games in history.

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-How does it feel, Cameron?

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-Obviously, Dot, a lot of things have

-been said about this team recently.

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-Many people have written us off.

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-I'd like to say...

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-..that the boys have played...

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-We understand. This means a lot

-to you and to the supporters.

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-Yes, the fans.

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-The fans have, um...

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-They've been good, you know.

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-Even then they ******* us off

-on Twitter...

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-..the fans are still... oh!

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-It's taken a long time

-to reach this point.

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-It means a lot to you

-and to the rest of the team.

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-Cameron, come here.

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-Come here.

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-It's alright.

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-Thank you for trying anyway.

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-DOOR CLOSES

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-Did he get it to work?

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-No, he said this till is too old...

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-..and he couldn't find a spare part

-in a million years.

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-Oh, dear!

-We've had this till forever.

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-It's a family heirloom.

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-I know.

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-I always thought he knew his stuff.

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-No, fool!

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-His father knew his stuff.

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-But he told me 20 years ago...

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-..he couldn't find parts for it

-even if he were an archaeologist.

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-What a cheek!

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-What a cheek!

-

-I know.

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-This one will have to do

-until we get a new one.

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-Do we have a calculator

-or an abacus?

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-No.

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-Oh, but we do have that present.

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-It was given to us by that nice man.

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-You know - he lived next door

-to Margarita Patio Slabs.

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-He knew his stuff.

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-Where is it?

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-Who? Caradog Berfa Huws?

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-Who? Caradog Berfa Huws?

-

-No, fool! You know.

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-He gave this to us.

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-I know! Steven Jobs.

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-That's the one.

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-He really did know his stuff.

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-Yes, but he died before he had

-a chance to tell me how to use it.

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-Anyway, I went

-to the Farmers' Arms...

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-..because I know

-his friend drinks there.

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-What's his name?

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-Bill...

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-Bill Gates.

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-Well, that's someone

-who knows his stuff.

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-It will be a pleasure

-to have her here.

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-Ffion will be thrilled.

-They have so much in common.

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-Thank you, Menai. Excellent.

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-Goodbye now.

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-Mam! Mam!

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-Mam! Mam!

-

-What?

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-The note -

-where did you get it from?

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-Excuse me?

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-Excuse me?

-

-Mam!

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-Where did you get that note

-and what did it say?

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-It's all arranged and your guest

-from the north arrives tomorrow.

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-You'll get on really well.

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-You'll get on really well.

-

-What's his name? Let it be a he!

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-Please say it's a he!

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-Please say it's a he!

-

-Her name is...

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-..Brengain.

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-No!

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-Croeso. Welcome.

-Bienvenue. Willkommen.

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-Ngyiakwemukela. Swagatam.

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-There's an old Welsh folk song

-that goes like this...

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-# Mister Jones sent me a letter

-Ffal-la la-la la-la la-la-la

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-# Handsome writing on fine paper

-Ffal-la la-la la-la la-la-la

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-# In it he was clearly asking

-Ffal-la la-la la-la la-la-la

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-# Would I go with Deio to Tywyn?

-Ffal-la la-la la-la la-la-la #

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-If you're Deio, where is your Tywyn?

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-I just wanna go to the pub

-to watch the footy with my mates.

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-We can follow this pilgrim to his

-destination, just to be supportive.

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-It's the Farmers' Arms

-in Clan-doo-dock. Do you know it?

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-Your destination

-shall be our destination.

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-We will follow your star on your

-journey, however long it might take.

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-It's here. See?

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-I'm meeting the lads there in ten

-minutes so step on it please, mate.

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-It's Kyley Boy's stag do.

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-Come all the way from Chelmsford.

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-I hope this Farmers' Arms

-serves humans as well as sheep.

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-We went to a place

-the other night. Ooph!

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-We rocked up there.

-The lads were ****** starving.

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-We couldn't pronounce anything

-on the menu until we turned it over.

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-There was two old boys in the corner

-givin' it the old lingo.

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-Chokin' on their phlegm they was,

-with the ll and the ch.

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-I tell you what got my goat.

-What wound me up.

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-As soon as we walked into the pub,

-they started speaking Welsh.

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-****ing Welsh! ****ing cheek!

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-What kind of welcome in the hillside

-is that? That's backward that is.

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-What's the point speaking Welsh

-when they can all speak English?

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-BRAKES SCREECH

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-Oh - map! Sorry.

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-Go, Jojo!

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-.

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-Subtitles

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-Subtitles

-

-Subtitles

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-Carry on.

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-# Mm! #

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-The mutterings of the spirits of our

-nightmares foretell our passing...

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-..with each sip

-of the pinot grigio of life.

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-Between the naked breasts

-of night...

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-..legs entwined

-in the murky moonlight...

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-..the shame

-of our connected bodies.

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-Despite the yearning

-for your stubble...

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-..tickling the core of my being.

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-I'm not happy

-about having to say this!

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-Don't be silly! It's only stubble.

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-Besmirching me with shame.

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-Obediently I sin

-as I reach the peak of my lust.

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-And then, salvation comes.

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-The words of a creative heart

-shatters the shame.

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-It is now but a carcass.

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-Why do you look like

-Archangel Gabriel...

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-..but I'm an old lush

-and Gwenan is sex-mad?

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-Are you trying to say something?

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-I feel like a real ****** ****!

0:14:020:14:05

-Don't talk rubbish.

0:14:050:14:07

-But if the cap fits...

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-What?

0:14:120:14:14

-Where are you going?

0:14:140:14:15

-Ffion, please be

-a bit more enthusiastic.

0:14:240:14:27

-We're expecting a schoolgirl,

-not the Grim Reaper!

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-Yes, but you don't know her, Dad.

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-You have so much in common.

-You're the same age.

0:14:350:14:38

-I'm the same age as Justin Bieber

-but I don't want him here either!

0:14:380:14:43

-Justin Bieber

-is two years older than you.

0:14:430:14:47

-I won't ask

-how or why you know that!

0:14:470:14:50

-You both love poetry

-and you both take poetry classes.

0:14:500:14:54

-Mam, she's sick!

0:14:540:14:56

-She's like, "I'm really awesome

-at writing poetry."

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-She's a condescending teacher's pet.

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-DOORBELL

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-Answer the door. Be polite and

-speak Welsh we can all understand!

0:15:050:15:10

-She's so like, "Oh, look at me!"

0:15:110:15:14

-She's so Little Miss Perfect!

-She's so...

0:15:150:15:18

-Hello again.

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-Hello again.

-

-Whoa!

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-What, Ffion?

0:15:220:15:23

-I'm a woman. Haven't you seen

-a pregnant woman before?

0:15:240:15:28

-Small am I and yet with child

-Sweet Brengain a mother mild.

0:15:280:15:34

-Did he get it to work?

0:15:420:15:43

-Not really, no.

0:15:450:15:46

-I told him I wanted to run

-Linux software on it.

0:15:470:15:51

-It runs embedded systems too

-you see.

0:15:530:15:56

-You know - devices where their

-operating systems...

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-..are built into the firmware and

-are highly-tailored to the system.

0:16:020:16:08

-Yes, but you'd need a less

-resource-intensive desktop...

0:16:080:16:13

-..like LXDE or Xfce

-for that, you fool.

0:16:140:16:17

-That's exactly what Bill Gates said.

0:16:170:16:20

-Or use Android,

-because the OS uses touch inputs...

0:16:220:16:28

-..which correspond slightly

-with real world actions...

0:16:280:16:33

-..like tapping, swiping, pinching

-and reverse pinching...

0:16:330:16:37

-..to manipulate things on screen,

-and for the virtual keyboard.

0:16:380:16:42

-Android won't work on this.

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-Exactly!

0:16:470:16:49

-I told Bill...

0:16:490:16:51

-..I wanted a unix-based graphical

-interface operating system...

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-..or nothing at all.

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-What did he say about that?

0:17:000:17:02

-He looked at me

-like I had a screw loose.

0:17:020:17:05

-Then, he offered

-to repair this till for me for free.

0:17:050:17:10

-He couldn't even manage that!

0:17:110:17:13

-Eat up, Brengain.

0:17:180:17:19

-Yes. You're eating for two.

0:17:200:17:21

-Yes. You're eating for two.

-

-Ffion, hush!

0:17:210:17:23

-No, it's fine. I'm hyperaware

-of my offspring's needs.

0:17:240:17:28

-Excellent. Here's hoping he...

0:17:290:17:32

-She.

0:17:320:17:34

-She.

-

-She? Alright.

0:17:340:17:35

-Here's hoping she likes lasagne.

0:17:350:17:38

-So you know it's a girl?

0:17:380:17:40

-No, but I'm trying not to yield

-to chauvinistic presumption...

0:17:400:17:45

-..that 'he' is the only suitable

-pronoun to use...

0:17:450:17:50

-..in the absence

-of any concrete evidence of sex.

0:17:500:17:54

-I can see loads

-of concrete evidence of sex.

0:17:550:17:58

-LOUD CHEERS

0:18:000:18:02

-Turn that ****** sound down.

0:18:020:18:04

-****** midweek football, Champions

-League, Premiership, La Liga...

0:18:040:18:09

-..Sunday football.

0:18:090:18:11

-All we see is ****** boxing

-or football.

0:18:110:18:14

-****!

0:18:140:18:15

-Footballers are show ponies.

0:18:160:18:18

-They shouldn't be on the pitch.

0:18:180:18:20

-They should be judged

-at the Royal Welsh.

0:18:200:18:23

-****** hair, tattoos and lipstick.

0:18:230:18:26

-Rubbish!

0:18:260:18:28

-More money than sense.

0:18:280:18:29

-They're on 50,000 per week...

0:18:300:18:32

-..and they spend most of their time

-falling over.

0:18:320:18:35

-People pay a fortune

-for the tickets.

0:18:360:18:38

-And for what?

0:18:390:18:40

-To watch 22 idiots rolling around,

-shouting and crying.

0:18:400:18:44

-You can see that in the Farmers'

-every Saturday night!

0:18:440:18:48

-On Tuesday, Craig Headbanger

-will feed his bull...

0:18:490:18:53

-..near the fence

-next to the leisure centre.

0:18:530:18:56

-The two women who had a scrap

-in the pub last week...

0:18:560:19:00

-..have said if they see each other

-again, they'll have another scrap.

0:19:000:19:05

-Those are the exciting things

-that are on in our area this week.

0:19:050:19:10

-That was Oswyn Lwmp

-with his weekly slot, What's On.

0:19:110:19:15

-I've got something on too.

0:19:150:19:18

-I've got something on too.

-

-Yes, but it'll be rubbish!

0:19:180:19:20

-And that's what's on in our area,

-listeners.

0:19:200:19:24

-It's the best event ever

-and I'm organizing it.

0:19:240:19:28

-Everyone's welcome

-apart from you, Alwyn.

0:19:280:19:31

-It's Dr Dre to you and anyway,

-I don't want to go to your event!

0:19:310:19:36

-Nobody will want to go.

0:19:360:19:37

-I'd rather go and see

-Craig Headbanger's bull.

0:19:380:19:41

-No, everyone will want to come.

0:19:410:19:43

-It's a music festival.

0:19:430:19:45

-On one stage

-I've got Cowbois Rhos Botwnnog...

0:19:450:19:49

-..and on the other stage...

0:19:490:19:51

-..Coldplay.

0:19:510:19:52

-There you go!

-I said it'd be rubbish.

0:19:530:19:56

-My brother once organized

-a live music event.

0:19:560:20:00

-He called it Live Aid.

0:20:000:20:01

-And that's what's on in our area

-this week.

0:20:030:20:06

-# What's On #

0:20:070:20:10

-What's the dealio with the daddyo?

-Is he your BF?

0:20:140:20:17

-I didn't understand a word of that!

0:20:170:20:19

-I didn't understand a word of that!

-

-Speak properly!

0:20:190:20:22

-Who fathered your offspring?

0:20:220:20:24

-She should have

-stuck with the original!

0:20:240:20:27

-The muse.

0:20:280:20:29

-What?

0:20:300:20:32

-Golden muse, on passion unfurled

-Then a babe enters the world.

0:20:320:20:37

-All I remember

-about the conception...

0:20:410:20:44

-..is I'd just finished reading

-the Eisteddfod literary entries...

0:20:440:20:49

-..and in the euphoria of the minute,

-it seemed to come in a flash.

0:20:490:20:53

-I know the feeling well!

0:20:550:20:57

-I know the feeling well!

-

-Gross, Dad!

0:20:570:20:58

-An ode has an everlasting chill

0:20:580:21:02

-Rhyme's passionate cry is shrill

0:21:030:21:07

-Rhythm is a vital, rising hill

0:21:070:21:09

-But my child is sheer poetry,

-My ultimate thrill.

0:21:100:21:14

-Do you see what I did there?

0:21:140:21:16

-I don't know how it happened...

0:21:180:21:20

-..but since I became impregnated,

-poetry has gushed forth...

0:21:200:21:24

-..from here

-and, more importantly, from here.

0:21:250:21:28

-I must go and rest now.

0:21:300:21:32

-To retreat, with no hint of fuss

-To stay fit to carry my foetus.

0:21:340:21:39

-What would you two do

-if I came home like that?

0:21:540:21:57

-I'd kill you!

0:21:590:22:01

-That poetry was ****** ****!

0:22:010:22:03

-That poetry was ****** ****!

-

-Huw!

0:22:030:22:05

-# Know their stuff,

-Know their stuff

0:22:160:22:18

-# Know their stuff,

-Know their stuff, know their stuff

0:22:200:22:23

-# Gandhi, Marie Curie,

-Picasso and Da Vinci

0:22:240:22:28

-# Kiss and AC/DC

-All know their stuff

0:22:280:22:31

-# Dr Kate and Waldo,

-Messi and Ronaldo

0:22:320:22:36

-# Rory and Nick Faldo

-All know their stuff

0:22:360:22:39

-# Know their stuff,

-Know their stuff

0:22:400:22:43

-# Know their stuff,

-Know their stuff, know their stuff

0:22:440:22:46

-# Who's the lady on the telly

-Who bakes cakes that are lovely?

0:22:480:22:51

-# Mary Berry, obviously

-She knows her stuff

0:22:520:22:55

-# Rihanna and Beyonce,

-Stravinsky and Tchaikovsky

0:22:560:22:59

-# Flipper and Lassie,

-They all know their stuff

0:23:000:23:03

-# All this should ring a bell

-Every girl and boy as well

0:23:040:23:07

-# At something do excel

0:23:080:23:10

-# They all know their stuff

0:23:100:23:14

-# Know their stuff,

-Know their stuff

0:23:180:23:19

-# Know their stuff,

-Know their stuff, know their stuff

0:23:190:23:23

-# Know their stuff

0:23:230:23:25

-# Know their stuff #

0:23:250:23:27

-S4C subtitles by Eirlys A Jones

0:23:440:23:47

-.

0:23:470:23:47

Mwy o gomedi yng nghwmni Caryl Parry Jones a'r criw. More comedy from Caryl Parry Jones and her team of actors including sketches from our favourite teenager and more about rugby!