Y tro hwn bydd yr MC Dan Thomas yn cyflwyno tri o gomediwyr mwyaf profiadol y syrcit. MC Dan Thomas introduces Phil Evans, Gary Slaymaker and Daniel Glyn as they perform comedy ...
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-Ladies and gentlemen,
-please welcome tonight's MC...
-We have a very special comedian
-for you next.
-Each week he puts his column
-in the South Wales Evening Post.
-That's why he's been banned
-from every newsagent's in Ammanford!
-Please welcome Phil Evans.
-Don't stop, don't stop!
-That's a nice surprise.
-Thank you, thank you.
-Join in now, force yourself!
-This looks more like a seance
-than a comedy night, doesn't it?
-Are you having a good night because
-I'm not having a good day at all.
-You know you're having a bad day
-when you get up in the morning...
-..still half asleep...
-your wife's urine sample...
-..over your cornflakes...
-..and only realize
-after the first mouthful.
-I almost couldn't finish the bowl.
-Still, better than skimmed.
-I bought a toaster recently.
-It only worked on two settings.
-Carbon and cremated.
-So I took it back to the shop.
-The girl wanted the receipt.
-I said I've thrown the receipt
-away so she called for the manager.
-The manager came over and said...
-..he couldn't see
-anything wrong with the toaster.
-Well, the shop was full of smoke.
-I reverted to
-the old-fashioned method...
-..by placing bread
-under the grill...
-for the smoke alarm to go off.
-What's worse is when
-a bad night follows a bad day.
-I had a bad night recently
-at the cinema.
-It started when I bought a ticket.
-Join in, join in.
-I wanted to watch a film
-not bloody make one.
-I ran to the seat quickly...
-..hoping the film'd start
-before the bailiffs found me.
-I checked the small print
-on the ticket.
-I didn't want to fall behind
-with the repayments.
-I lost weight for this gig.
-I lost weight to look good...
-..in front of you.
-I've had enough of you already.
-I decided to join the gym.
-Honestly, I decided to join a gym.
-It was 40 a month
-to join the gym...
-..and fair play, it worked,
-I was already sweating.
-I can wait, I can wait!
-I got on the crosstrainer, fell off
-and bumped my head straightaway.
-When I woke up
-I had a Northwalian accent.
-Apparently, that's how
-all gogs get their accent.
-This gym was packed with machines
-- there were over 100 machines.
-The only one I recognised
-was the vending machine.
-So I put my money in,
-and pressed a button.
-Coffee, cream, sugar.
-Coffee came out of one tube...
-..cream came out of the other...
-..but no sign of a cup.
-It went down the drain
-and turned off.
-That's what you call
-The machine drank it for me too.
-I didn't use the condom machine.
-You know you're having a bad day
-when you get up in the morning...
-..and notice that the woman
-you pulled the night before...
-..has an Adam's apple.
-Bigger than your own.
-The night before
-we made romantic smalltalk...
-..and I remember saying to her...
-.."That's big clitoris
-you've got there."
-You've been great.
-Thanks for coming. Goodnight.
-Here we are,
-at the Richard Burton Theatre.
-He was an actor and filmstar...
-..and the next act once made a pass
-at film star Charlize Theron.
-Sure that worked out great.
-Please welcome Mr Theron,
-or as we know him...
-Hello, everyone, how are you?
-Ooh, lively! Well done.
-Sorry about this. I look like
-an unemployed snooker player.
-I've a story to tell you tonight.
-Two years ago...
-..Mam was on a Cymdeithas yr Iaith
-protest in Carmarthen.
-If you're lucky, you can find a copy
-of Wales on Sunday from June 2014...
-..and you'll see
-a photo of her on page seven.
-She's the one in the blue cardigan
-sticking up two fingers...
-..while a WPC wrestles a Molotov
-cocktail out of her other hand.
-Well, if you're going to do it,
-do it right!
-If you're really lucky, you
-can find a clip of her on YouTube...
-..being dragged into a police van...
-..after kicking a sergeant in the
-nuts whilst calling him a fat twat.
-I've never been so proud of her
-in all my life!
-In the same week I won a 10 bet.
-She was convinced I'd be the
-first of the family to be arrested.
-Apart from Uncle Rolf,
-but we don't talk about him.
-It was a lovely shock for me to
-find out Mam was such a nationalist.
-Personally, I had no interest. I had
-no interest in politics for years.
-Anything those clowns in the
-Assembly or House of Commons do...
-..have no bearing on my life
-- well, not yet!
-Also, there was a time when I spent
-five minutes with Carwyn Jones.
-Afterwards, I didn't know whether to
-phone the Labour Party or Dignitas.
-As I've discovered over the years...
-..some people in Wales believe I'm
-a member of a revolutionary party.
-When I do nights like this
-and go out filming across Wales...
-..people always come and say hello,
-but a small percentage...
-..of middle-aged men, generally,
-come over for a chat...
-..and their voices descend an octave
-as they look around...
-..before leaning in and whispering,
-"Of course, you're one of us."
-The first few times it happened
-I didn't know what they meant.
-A Gorsedd member? A twat?
-But I've since found out
-what they mean.
-These men think I'm a member
-of the FWA, the Free Wales Army.
-As I explained
-to my non-Welsh friend...
-..the Free Wales Army are
-like the comedy branch of the IRA.
-Imagine Dad's Army in balaclavas
-and you've got it.
-For a while I puzzled why people
-thought I was a member of the FWA.
-But I worked it out.
-Julian Cayo Evans,
-who formed the Free Wales Army...
-..came from my birthplace, Lampeter,
-and I'd bump into him in town.
-He was quite a character,
-to say the least.
-He had a striking appearance.
-I'd say he was a mix of Zorro, Elvis
-and the actor, Leslie Phillips.
-Independence? Oh, I say! Ding-dong!
-The other possible connection...
-..is when I had a pint at a pub
-in Llanelli with Dennis Coslett.
-He was the second-in-command
-and the rest of the army.
-So people have made that connection.
-I'm pleased people think
-I'm a member of the FWA...
-..because it gives me street cred
-that I lacked up till then.
-It also makes me dangerous.
-Anyone who's seen me riding my bike
-drunk already knows I'm dangerous!
-Back in the '60s and '70s,
-the way people protested...
-..was to climb
-television masts in Wales.
-The only reason
-you'd climb one today...
-..is to stop all the shit
-that's being broadcast.
-But I still believe that TV is
-the way to achieve independence.
-television plot spoilers.
-Plot spoilers for Game of Thrones.
-It's arguably the most popular show
-on the face of the earth.
-Before the next series begins...
-..the evening before
-the first episode is aired...
-..we should post the plot
-on Facebook and Twitter...
-..before it's televised.
-would be straight on the phone.
-"If you could not tell us
-what happens to Jaime Lannister...
-discuss independence with you."
-What do you mean, discuss?
-"Obviously there are pros and cons."
-In that case,
-he dies in episode six.
-We'd be independent
-within a month...
-..without a bullet being fired
-and without bloodshed.
-But to get back to the point, I've
-never said I'm a member of the FWA.
-I've never denied
-being a member either.
-It's not as if I walk around
-in camouflage all day...
-..though no-one would see me!
-And it's not as if I've a big tattoo
-of the white eagle on my arm.
-But it's definitely had an impact.
-The fact people think I'm a member
-of the FWA has had an impact on me.
-The best example of this
-was when I was at a pub in Llandaff.
-A gang of friends
-had all gone out for the night...
-..and friends of friends
-came to join us later.
-Among them were two
-staunch Englishmen - two Cockneys.
-They spent the entire time pulling
-our legs and taking the piss.
-All the old stereotypes...
-..until I answered their question
-which made them scamper.
-One of them said...
-.."Tell me now, Slaymaker,
-would you die for your country?
-Would you die for your country?"
-I looked into his eyes and said,
-"No. No. But I'd kill for it."
-Thank you for listening. Goodnight.
-Ladies and gentlemen...
-..please welcome back your MC
-for the evening, Dan Thomas.
-to the Richard Burton Theatre.
-An experiment conducted in 1982...
-..resulted in the opening...
-..of a Welsh-medium secondary school
-in Cardiff - Ysgol Gyfun Glantaf.
-Like every experiment, there were
-a few unfortunate side effects.
-I'm pleased to say one of
-those side effects is here tonight.
-Please give a warm welcome
-to Daniel Glyn.
-Thank you very much.
-It's a privilege and an honour being
-here at the Richard Burton Theatre.
-It's been named after
-one of Wales' most famous actors.
-I don't know which one
-but it's nice to be here.
-My daughter won the Richard Burton
-Award at the Eisteddfod...
-..which is amazing
-because she looks fuck all like him.
-I'm still cringing
-over what happened a few months ago.
-I had one of those really
-erotic dreams about someone I knew.
-And then you see them the following
-day and can't look them in the eye.
-It was the worst Mothers' Day
-I've ever experienced.
-Talking of romance, I've been
-married now for almost 20 years.
-My wife and I
-want to keep things fresh...
-..so once a week we have date night.
-Yes, date night. Mine on a Monday
-and hers on a Wednesday.
-I tend to stay at home, to be
-honest. I'll be fine, I'll be fine.
-It's important to make an effort.
-I'm glad I'm married because dating
-these days is very difficult.
-It's all about Tinder, isn't it?
-Who here is on Tinder?
-This dating app,
-Tinder, Tinder, Tinder.
-I don't have time for apps.
-I do too much on my phone as it is.
-I check my emails, send texts,
-..I show the kids Netflix,
-all while I'm driving.
-It's not going to work.
-But I watch these youngsters
-on Tinder and they're like this.
-That's not romantic. They're
-not even using the right finger.
-That's divided the audience!
-Welcome to Noson Lawen!
-If I ever fancied a girl, she
-just wanted to be friends with me.
-That's what's known as friendzoned.
-But if you're Welsh
-you can't get friendzoned.
-A girl just says, "I don't want to
-date you, you're like a brother."
-"I just see you as a father figure."
-Yeah, that's fine.
-I start to scare her.
-"I want Mam." That's the spirit.
-Sorry, I know that's very childish.
-I am childish by nature.
-I used to present kids' programmes.
-Two years ago at 45
-I had a midlife crisis.
-My midlife crisis
-was to get an office job.
-Honestly. I got myself a real job.
-I'd never had a real job before.
-I checked an app for Welsh jobs.
-You had to speak Welsh
-to do these jobs.
-So I checked it out and saw
-this top Welsh Government level job.
-They needed a Welsh speaker.
-I thought, there's no way I'll
-get it but it'll be good practice.
-I learnt a lot. It was very
-civilized and we spoke in English.
-Hello, hello. Yes, yes, yes.
-Chat, chat, chat.
-I came from there
-thinking it'd gone alright...
-..but I didn't think I'd get it.
-Three hours later they phoned me
-to say, "You've got the job."
-I was there going,
-"Right, OK. Really?"
-There must've been one thing I said
-that convinced them.
-And there was. Lies.
-"It says here you have contacts
-in the Welsh media."
-Yes, I do. Martyn Geraint,
-Chris Tywydd and Rapsgaliwn, yes.
-"All fine journalists, I'm sure."
-Yes, they're great.
-So I got the job and I was awful.
-I shouldn't have been there.
-They called me in.
-"We've noticed you're not
-taking this job seriously at all.
-"You promise stuff
-but never follow up on it.
-every single member of staff...
-"..but it's your fist day,
-we'll see how it goes tomorrow."
-I got into trouble.
-"Have you read the Western Mail?
-"I don't read that shit."
-"Isn't that your job?"
-"Oh, yes, of course."
-I hadn't taken much notice
-of the news before...
-..but I noticed something recently.
-No-one claims Rolf Harris
-is Welsh any more.
-Have you noticed?
-"Rolf Harris, Caerphilly boy.
-Welsh boy, speaks Welsh."
-"That Australian pig. Yuck!"
-He claims he's Welsh
-but Rolf only has one F.
-That spells Rolve.
-It should be double F.
-Rolf, the bloody Englishman!
-I was invited onto Radio Wales
-with this job.
-at Radio Wales are nice...
-take themselves very seriously.
-You're not just a journalist
-on Radio Wales...
-..you're a broadcast journalist.
-"I'm a journalist who broadcasts."
-They like abbreviations in the BBC.
-"I'm not a broadcast journalist,
-I'm a BJ."
-They phoned me up -
-"When you come to Radio Wales...
-a BJ waiting for you in reception.
-"His name's Jamie."
-You're lucky to get a biscuit
-with Radio Cymru!
-Well, well, well!
-So that's where I was -
-I was in the wrong job.
-They were obsessed
-with collecting contacts.
-"We've got this system
-"Once you meet someone, you're in
-contact with that person forever...
-"..no matter where you move to."
-I said, "We've had that in Wales
-for years. It's called Llangrannog."
-Then I did translations for them...
-..and stuff would be sent back.
-I didn't realize
-that in a proper job...
-..you can't be sacked
-for being shit.
-What they do is career development.
-"Your translation's a problem."
-They said, "Do you know
-what Cymdeithas Y Cyfieithwyr is?"
-I was like,
-oh, shit the game's up now.
-They sent me to the exam. They said,
-"Phone them, book yourself on it."
-I knew I was in trouble
-because I phoned up and said...
-.."I want to do
-the translating exam.
-"You mean the translation exam?"
-That's the one.
-I sat the exam.
-I said, "Please don't post it
-to work, post it to me."
-But they sent the results to work
-because work had paid for it.
-They were fuming with me
-on the Monday.
-I turned up. "Look at this.
-"Your Welsh translation
-is the worst they've ever seen.
-"They claim your Welsh translation
-is 50% English words."
-"Well, you did ask for bilingual."
-"But not at the same time.
-"It says you're supposed to use
-"..and they say you've a very
-cavalier attitude to the process."
-I said, "Let me have a look.
-"This is a very archaic form
-of Welsh they want here.
-"It's what they call Correct
-Cymraeg. It's very old fashioned.
-"These mutations are very much
-an optional extra, to be honest.
-"Very much a lifestyle choice."
-So I left the job and decided
-to concentrate on the children.
-My children go to a Welsh school.
-My children go to a Welsh school.
-But I speak English to them.
-Come on, it's hardly Josef Fritzl,
-is it? Come on!
-why I speak English to them.
-Many non-Welsh-speaking parents send
-their children to Welsh schools.
-They've thought it through for four
-years and then the homework arrives.
-"It's all in bloody Welsh."
-They think it's rude.
-They get upset.
-"Thing is, if it's in Welsh, I can't
-help them with their homework."
-I'm like, "Why are you complaining?"
-My kids just think
-I can't actually speak Welsh.
-"Dad, I have to write
-an essay on Tryweryn."
-what you're talking about.
-"Don't speak that bibbly-bobbly,
-love. Don't know it, no."
-Fostering the Welsh language
-in our young is crucially important.
-Thank goodness for the Cyw channel.
-Are you fans of Cyw?
-Hooray for Cyw.
-To attract non-Welsh-speakers, Cyw
-will be available in English on S4C.
-But they've already messed it up.
-They had a live event and the crew
-started singing # Hooray Fuh-Cyw #
-You've been lovely.
-Thank you very much.
-S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.
Y tro hwn bydd yr MC Dan Thomas yn cyflwyno tri o gomediwyr mwyaf profiadol y syrcit. MC Dan Thomas introduces Phil Evans, Gary Slaymaker and Daniel Glyn as they perform comedy stand up.