Pennod 5 Standyp: Gwerthu Allan


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Pennod 5

Y tro hwn bydd yr MC Dan Thomas yn cyflwyno tri o gomediwyr mwyaf profiadol y syrcit. MC Dan Thomas introduces Phil Evans, Gary Slaymaker and Daniel Glyn as they perform comedy ...


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-Ladies and gentlemen,

-please welcome tonight's MC...

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-..Dan Thomas.

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-We have a very special comedian

-for you next.

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-Each week he puts his column

-in the South Wales Evening Post.

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-That's why he's been banned

-from every newsagent's in Ammanford!

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-Please welcome Phil Evans.

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-Don't stop, don't stop!

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-That's a nice surprise.

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-Thank you, thank you.

-Join in now, force yourself!

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-This looks more like a seance

-than a comedy night, doesn't it?

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-Are you having a good night because

-I'm not having a good day at all.

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-You know you're having a bad day

-when you get up in the morning...

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-..still half asleep...

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-..and pour

-your wife's urine sample...

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-..over your cornflakes...

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-..and only realize

-after the first mouthful.

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-I almost couldn't finish the bowl.

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-Still, better than skimmed.

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-I bought a toaster recently.

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-It only worked on two settings.

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-Carbon and cremated.

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-So I took it back to the shop.

-The girl wanted the receipt.

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-I said I've thrown the receipt

-away so she called for the manager.

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-The manager came over and said...

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-..he couldn't see

-anything wrong with the toaster.

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-Well, the shop was full of smoke.

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-I reverted to

-the old-fashioned method...

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-..by placing bread

-under the grill...

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-..and waiting

-for the smoke alarm to go off.

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-What's worse is when

-a bad night follows a bad day.

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-I had a bad night recently

-at the cinema.

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-It started when I bought a ticket.

-How much?

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-Christ Almighty!

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-Join in, join in.

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-I wanted to watch a film

-not bloody make one.

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-I ran to the seat quickly...

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-..hoping the film'd start

-before the bailiffs found me.

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-I checked the small print

-on the ticket.

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-I didn't want to fall behind

-with the repayments.

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-I lost weight for this gig.

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-I lost weight to look good...

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-..in front of you.

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-Know what?

-I've had enough of you already.

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-I decided to join the gym.

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-Honestly, I decided to join a gym.

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-It was 40 a month

-to join the gym...

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-..and fair play, it worked,

-I was already sweating.

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-I can wait, I can wait!

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-I got on the crosstrainer, fell off

-and bumped my head straightaway.

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-When I woke up

-I had a Northwalian accent.

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-Apparently, that's how

-all gogs get their accent.

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-This gym was packed with machines

-- there were over 100 machines.

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-The only one I recognised

-was the vending machine.

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-So I put my money in,

-and pressed a button.

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-Coffee, cream, sugar.

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-Coffee came out of one tube...

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-..cream came out of the other...

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-..but no sign of a cup.

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-It went down the drain

-and turned off.

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-That's what you call

-real automation.

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-The machine drank it for me too.

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-I didn't use the condom machine.

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-You know you're having a bad day

-when you get up in the morning...

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-..and notice that the woman

-you pulled the night before...

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-..has an Adam's apple.

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-Bigger than your own.

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-The night before

-we made romantic smalltalk...

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-..and I remember saying to her...

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-.."That's big clitoris

-you've got there."

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-You've been great.

-Thanks for coming. Goodnight.

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-Here we are,

-at the Richard Burton Theatre.

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-He was an actor and filmstar...

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-..and the next act once made a pass

-at film star Charlize Theron.

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-Sure that worked out great.

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-Please welcome Mr Theron,

-or as we know him...

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-..Gary Slaymaker.

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-Hello, everyone, how are you?

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-Fine!

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-Fine!

-

-Ooh, lively! Well done.

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-Sorry about this. I look like

-an unemployed snooker player.

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-I've a story to tell you tonight.

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-Two years ago...

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-..Mam was on a Cymdeithas yr Iaith

-protest in Carmarthen.

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-If you're lucky, you can find a copy

-of Wales on Sunday from June 2014...

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-..and you'll see

-a photo of her on page seven.

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-She's the one in the blue cardigan

-sticking up two fingers...

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-..while a WPC wrestles a Molotov

-cocktail out of her other hand.

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-Well, if you're going to do it,

-do it right!

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-If you're really lucky, you

-can find a clip of her on YouTube...

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-..being dragged into a police van...

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-..after kicking a sergeant in the

-nuts whilst calling him a fat twat.

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-I've never been so proud of her

-in all my life!

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-In the same week I won a 10 bet.

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-She was convinced I'd be the

-first of the family to be arrested.

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-Apart from Uncle Rolf,

-but we don't talk about him.

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-It was a lovely shock for me to

-find out Mam was such a nationalist.

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-Personally, I had no interest. I had

-no interest in politics for years.

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-Anything those clowns in the

-Assembly or House of Commons do...

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-..have no bearing on my life

-- well, not yet!

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-Also, there was a time when I spent

-five minutes with Carwyn Jones.

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-Afterwards, I didn't know whether to

-phone the Labour Party or Dignitas.

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-As I've discovered over the years...

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-..some people in Wales believe I'm

-a member of a revolutionary party.

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-When I do nights like this

-and go out filming across Wales...

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-..people always come and say hello,

-but a small percentage...

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-..of middle-aged men, generally,

-come over for a chat...

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-..and their voices descend an octave

-as they look around...

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-..before leaning in and whispering,

-"Of course, you're one of us."

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-The first few times it happened

-I didn't know what they meant.

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-A Methodist?

-A Gorsedd member? A twat?

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-But I've since found out

-what they mean.

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-These men think I'm a member

-of the FWA, the Free Wales Army.

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-As I explained

-to my non-Welsh friend...

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-..the Free Wales Army are

-like the comedy branch of the IRA.

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-Imagine Dad's Army in balaclavas

-and you've got it.

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-For a while I puzzled why people

-thought I was a member of the FWA.

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-But I worked it out.

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-Julian Cayo Evans,

-who formed the Free Wales Army...

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-..came from my birthplace, Lampeter,

-and I'd bump into him in town.

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-He was quite a character,

-to say the least.

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-He had a striking appearance.

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-I'd say he was a mix of Zorro, Elvis

-and the actor, Leslie Phillips.

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-Independence? Oh, I say! Ding-dong!

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-The other possible connection...

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-..is when I had a pint at a pub

-in Llanelli with Dennis Coslett.

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-He was the second-in-command

-and the rest of the army.

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-So people have made that connection.

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-I'm pleased people think

-I'm a member of the FWA...

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-..because it gives me street cred

-that I lacked up till then.

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-It also makes me dangerous.

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-Anyone who's seen me riding my bike

-drunk already knows I'm dangerous!

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-Back in the '60s and '70s,

-the way people protested...

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-..was to climb

-television masts in Wales.

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-The only reason

-you'd climb one today...

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-..is to stop all the shit

-that's being broadcast.

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-But I still believe that TV is

-the way to achieve independence.

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-More specifically,

-television plot spoilers.

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-Plot spoilers for Game of Thrones.

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-It's arguably the most popular show

-on the face of the earth.

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-Before the next series begins...

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-..the evening before

-the first episode is aired...

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-..we should post the plot

-on Facebook and Twitter...

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-..before it's televised.

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-The government

-would be straight on the phone.

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-"If you could not tell us

-what happens to Jaime Lannister...

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-"..then we'll

-discuss independence with you."

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-What do you mean, discuss?

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-"Obviously there are pros and cons."

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-In that case,

-he dies in episode six.

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-We'd be independent

-within a month...

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-..without a bullet being fired

-and without bloodshed.

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-Pity!

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-But to get back to the point, I've

-never said I'm a member of the FWA.

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-I've never denied

-being a member either.

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-It's not as if I walk around

-in camouflage all day...

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-..though no-one would see me!

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-And it's not as if I've a big tattoo

-of the white eagle on my arm.

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-But it's definitely had an impact.

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-The fact people think I'm a member

-of the FWA has had an impact on me.

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-The best example of this

-was when I was at a pub in Llandaff.

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-A gang of friends

-had all gone out for the night...

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-..and friends of friends

-came to join us later.

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-Among them were two

-staunch Englishmen - two Cockneys.

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-They spent the entire time pulling

-our legs and taking the piss.

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-All the old stereotypes...

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-..until I answered their question

-which made them scamper.

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-One of them said...

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-.."Tell me now, Slaymaker,

-would you die for your country?

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-"Eh?

-Would you die for your country?"

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-I looked into his eyes and said,

-"No. No. But I'd kill for it."

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-Thank you for listening. Goodnight.

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-.

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-*

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-Ladies and gentlemen...

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-..please welcome back your MC

-for the evening, Dan Thomas.

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-Welcome

-to the Richard Burton Theatre.

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-An experiment conducted in 1982...

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-..resulted in the opening...

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-..of a Welsh-medium secondary school

-in Cardiff - Ysgol Gyfun Glantaf.

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-Like every experiment, there were

-a few unfortunate side effects.

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-I'm pleased to say one of

-those side effects is here tonight.

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-Please give a warm welcome

-to Daniel Glyn.

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-Thank you very much.

-Hello, everyone!

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-Hello!

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-It's a privilege and an honour being

-here at the Richard Burton Theatre.

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-It's been named after

-one of Wales' most famous actors.

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-I don't know which one

-but it's nice to be here.

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-My daughter won the Richard Burton

-Award at the Eisteddfod...

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-..which is amazing

-because she looks fuck all like him.

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-I'm still cringing

-over what happened a few months ago.

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-I had one of those really

-erotic dreams about someone I knew.

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-And then you see them the following

-day and can't look them in the eye.

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-It was the worst Mothers' Day

-I've ever experienced.

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-Talking of romance, I've been

-married now for almost 20 years.

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-My wife and I

-want to keep things fresh...

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-..so once a week we have date night.

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-Yes, date night. Mine on a Monday

-and hers on a Wednesday.

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-I tend to stay at home, to be

-honest. I'll be fine, I'll be fine.

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-It's important to make an effort.

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-I'm glad I'm married because dating

-these days is very difficult.

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-It's all about Tinder, isn't it?

-Who here is on Tinder?

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-Whoop!

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-Whoop!

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-This dating app,

-Tinder, Tinder, Tinder.

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-I don't have time for apps.

-I do too much on my phone as it is.

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-I check my emails, send texts,

-Instagram, Facebook...

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-..I show the kids Netflix,

-all while I'm driving.

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-It's not going to work.

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-But I watch these youngsters

-on Tinder and they're like this.

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-That's not romantic. They're

-not even using the right finger.

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-That's divided the audience!

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-Welcome to Noson Lawen!

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-If I ever fancied a girl, she

-just wanted to be friends with me.

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-That's what's known as friendzoned.

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-But if you're Welsh

-you can't get friendzoned.

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-A girl just says, "I don't want to

-date you, you're like a brother."

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-That's alright.

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-"I just see you as a father figure."

-Yeah, that's fine.

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-I start to scare her.

-"I want Mam." That's the spirit.

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-Sorry, I know that's very childish.

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-I am childish by nature.

-I used to present kids' programmes.

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-Two years ago at 45

-I had a midlife crisis.

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-My midlife crisis

-was to get an office job.

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-Honestly. I got myself a real job.

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-I'd never had a real job before.

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-I checked an app for Welsh jobs.

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-You had to speak Welsh

-to do these jobs.

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-So I checked it out and saw

-this top Welsh Government level job.

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-They needed a Welsh speaker.

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-I thought, there's no way I'll

-get it but it'll be good practice.

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-I learnt a lot. It was very

-civilized and we spoke in English.

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-Hello, hello. Yes, yes, yes.

-Chat, chat, chat.

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-I came from there

-thinking it'd gone alright...

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-..but I didn't think I'd get it.

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-Three hours later they phoned me

-to say, "You've got the job."

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-I was there going,

-"Right, OK. Really?"

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-There must've been one thing I said

-that convinced them.

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-And there was. Lies.

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-"It says here you have contacts

-in the Welsh media."

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-Yes, I do. Martyn Geraint,

-Chris Tywydd and Rapsgaliwn, yes.

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-"All fine journalists, I'm sure."

-Yes, they're great.

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-So I got the job and I was awful.

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-I shouldn't have been there.

-They called me in.

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-"We've noticed you're not

-taking this job seriously at all.

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-"You promise stuff

-but never follow up on it.

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-"You've antagonised

-every single member of staff...

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-"..but it's your fist day,

-we'll see how it goes tomorrow."

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-I got into trouble.

-"Have you read the Western Mail?

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-"I don't read that shit."

0:17:330:17:35

-"Isn't that your job?"

-"Oh, yes, of course."

0:17:350:17:39

-I hadn't taken much notice

-of the news before...

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-..but I noticed something recently.

0:17:420:17:45

-No-one claims Rolf Harris

-is Welsh any more.

0:17:450:17:48

-Have you noticed?

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-"Rolf Harris, Caerphilly boy.

-Welsh boy, speaks Welsh."

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-Now it's,

-"That Australian pig. Yuck!"

0:17:560:17:59

-He claims he's Welsh

-but Rolf only has one F.

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-That spells Rolve.

-It should be double F.

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-Rolf, the bloody Englishman!

0:18:070:18:09

-I was invited onto Radio Wales

-with this job.

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-The people

-at Radio Wales are nice...

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-..but they

-take themselves very seriously.

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-You're not just a journalist

-on Radio Wales...

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-..you're a broadcast journalist.

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-"I'm a journalist who broadcasts."

0:18:260:18:28

-They like abbreviations in the BBC.

0:18:290:18:31

-"I'm not a broadcast journalist,

-I'm a BJ."

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-They phoned me up -

-"When you come to Radio Wales...

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-"..there'll be

-a BJ waiting for you in reception.

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-"His name's Jamie."

0:18:450:18:47

-You're lucky to get a biscuit

-with Radio Cymru!

0:18:490:18:53

-Well, well, well!

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-So that's where I was -

-I was in the wrong job.

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-They were obsessed

-with collecting contacts.

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-"We've got this system

-called salesforce.

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-"Once you meet someone, you're in

-contact with that person forever...

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-"..no matter where you move to."

0:19:120:19:14

-I said, "We've had that in Wales

-for years. It's called Llangrannog."

0:19:140:19:19

-Then I did translations for them...

0:19:190:19:22

-..and stuff would be sent back.

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-I didn't realize

-that in a proper job...

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-..you can't be sacked

-for being shit.

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-What they do is career development.

0:19:300:19:33

-They said,

-"Your translation's a problem."

0:19:330:19:36

-They said, "Do you know

-what Cymdeithas Y Cyfieithwyr is?"

0:19:370:19:40

-I was like,

-oh, shit the game's up now.

0:19:400:19:42

-They sent me to the exam. They said,

-"Phone them, book yourself on it."

0:19:430:19:47

-I knew I was in trouble

-because I phoned up and said...

0:19:480:19:51

-.."I want to do

-the translating exam.

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-"You mean the translation exam?"

-That's the one.

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-I sat the exam.

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-I said, "Please don't post it

-to work, post it to me."

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-But they sent the results to work

-because work had paid for it.

0:20:040:20:08

-They were fuming with me

-on the Monday.

0:20:080:20:11

-I turned up. "Look at this.

0:20:110:20:13

-"Your Welsh translation

-is the worst they've ever seen.

0:20:130:20:17

-"They claim your Welsh translation

-is 50% English words."

0:20:180:20:22

-I said,

-"Well, you did ask for bilingual."

0:20:250:20:28

-"But not at the same time.

0:20:290:20:32

-"It says you're supposed to use

-these mutations...

0:20:320:20:36

-"..and they say you've a very

-cavalier attitude to the process."

0:20:360:20:40

-I said, "Let me have a look.

0:20:410:20:43

-"This is a very archaic form

-of Welsh they want here.

0:20:430:20:46

-"It's what they call Correct

-Cymraeg. It's very old fashioned.

0:20:460:20:51

-"These mutations are very much

-an optional extra, to be honest.

0:20:510:20:55

-"Very much a lifestyle choice."

0:20:560:20:58

-So I left the job and decided

-to concentrate on the children.

0:20:590:21:03

-My children go to a Welsh school.

0:21:030:21:05

-My children go to a Welsh school.

-

-Whoo!

0:21:050:21:07

-But I speak English to them.

0:21:070:21:09

-Come on, it's hardly Josef Fritzl,

-is it? Come on!

0:21:100:21:13

-I'll explain

-why I speak English to them.

0:21:150:21:17

-Many non-Welsh-speaking parents send

-their children to Welsh schools.

0:21:180:21:23

-They've thought it through for four

-years and then the homework arrives.

0:21:230:21:28

-"It's all in bloody Welsh."

-They think it's rude.

0:21:280:21:32

-They get upset.

0:21:320:21:33

-"Thing is, if it's in Welsh, I can't

-help them with their homework."

0:21:330:21:38

-I'm like, "Why are you complaining?"

0:21:380:21:41

-My kids just think

-I can't actually speak Welsh.

0:21:410:21:46

-"Dad, I have to write

-an essay on Tryweryn."

0:21:460:21:48

-"Don't know

-what you're talking about.

0:21:480:21:51

-"Don't speak that bibbly-bobbly,

-love. Don't know it, no."

0:21:510:21:55

-Fostering the Welsh language

-in our young is crucially important.

0:21:570:22:02

-Thank goodness for the Cyw channel.

0:22:020:22:06

-Are you fans of Cyw?

-It's incredible.

0:22:060:22:08

-Hooray for Cyw.

0:22:090:22:11

-To attract non-Welsh-speakers, Cyw

-will be available in English on S4C.

0:22:120:22:16

-But they've already messed it up.

0:22:160:22:18

-They had a live event and the crew

-started singing # Hooray Fuh-Cyw #

0:22:190:22:24

-You've been lovely.

-Thank you very much.

0:22:240:22:28

-Goodnight.

0:22:290:22:31

-S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.

0:22:530:22:55

-.

0:22:550:22:55

Y tro hwn bydd yr MC Dan Thomas yn cyflwyno tri o gomediwyr mwyaf profiadol y syrcit. MC Dan Thomas introduces Phil Evans, Gary Slaymaker and Daniel Glyn as they perform comedy stand up.