Episode 11 Celebrity Antiques Road Trip

-Some of the nation's favourite celebrities.

-That's the pig for you.

-This is the pig for me.

-One antiques expert each.

-Celebrities.

You will sell this very cheap.

And one big challenge.

Who can seek out and buy the best antiques at the very best prices...

I'm prepared to hand over the money!

..and auction for a big profit?

This is Celebrity Antiques Road Trip.

Yeah!

Welcome to glorious Essex, a far cry from Peckham.

This couple know a thing or two about dodgy dealing -

it's Sue Holderness and John Challis.

That's right, Marlene and Boycie from Only Fools And Horses, innit?

-They don't make them like that any more.

-They don't. My goodness.

For the classiest couple on TV, this eye catching and very elegant

1960s E-Type Jag.

They'll be right at home in there.

Go on, you can do it, you can do it.

You know you'll never get out again.

I'm exhausted already.

Time to hit the road. John and Sue have two days

and £400 apiece to make as much profit as possible.

No, that's backwards.

Steady on!

How about that, eh? Now where am I going?

John Challis has been a familiar face on our television screens

since the early '60s.

I've never relied on anybody, just myself.

I always got myself out of trouble.

Might come in handy today, John.

He's now best known as dodgy second-hand car dealer

Boycie from Only Fools And Horses.

Will his character's love of one-upmanship

put him on the winning team this trip?

ENGINE CHOKES

Gosh, I felt that.

John's Road Trip rival, Sue Holderness,

might be game for a challenge,

as she's played Boycie's flirtatious wife Marlene

for well over a decade in Fools And Horses

and their own spin-off series, Green, Green Grass.

She's equally at home in serious drama as she is in comedy,

but can she outsmart her TV husband

by making the most profit on this trip?

Have you been out buying antiques yet?

No, you're much more up on the buying of antiques.

I dabbled about a bit on the fringes of it once in my life

and it was quite interesting.

Of course, you did it properly, didn't you?

Obviously not properly enough, Sue, as he's now a successful actor,

but don't worry, we'll provide the antiques expertise.

Right on cue, here they are,

in a rather fitting 1968 Cortina Crayford convertible.

It's Philip Serrell and Charles Hanson,

our very own Del Boy and Rodney.

You've dressed up then, Charlie?

Well, Phil, we're meeting some very important people. I'm so excited.

-Are you?

-Very.

-I am and was and have been

a massive Fools And Horses fan.

We're meeting Marlene and Boycie. Fantastic, Phil.

No, Charles, you're meeting Sue and John. They're actors.

Come on, Charles. Keep up.

Charles is a fully fledged auctioneer,

with just over ten years in the business.

He has an infectious passion for collecting

and a wide-ranging expertise that belies his boyish enthusiasm.

Sometimes confused and often confusing,

his eye for the quirky is second to none.

Charles's opponent, on the other hand, is a match for Boycie any day.

With well over 20 years' experience of the antiques trade,

he doesn't mess about when going in for the kill.

He's mean, he's moody

and certainly not averse to the quirky negotiation style.

What was the name of the block of flats?

-What was it called?

-Nelson Mandela House.

-Oh, really?

Charlie, have you seen this programme?

It's one of my favourite films.

Films? Now I'm confused.

Our celebrities and experts will kick off their Road Trip

in Battlesbridge, meander north into the heart of Essex

before returning south to an auction showdown in Dartford, Kent.

Where better to begin a battle than in Battlesbridge?

The village sits on the banks of the tidal River Crouch

and is named after the Bataille family,

who maintained the all-important river crossing from early times.

It is now better known as a centre for antiques

and collectibles, so the perfect place for our teams to meet.

THEY LAUGH

Well, hello!

My name's Sue. I'm going to hope that you'll yank me up.

-Nicely done.

-This is Charlie.

Hi, Charlie!

I'll be with you in a minute. This is going to take me some time.

His legs, I'm afraid, are just too long.

Hello! Shall I come round this way?

Good to see you, Boycie, Charles Hanson.

It's John, actually, Charles.

-You managed to get out, then?

-Just about.

Sue and Charles will be up against John and Phil.

-Let the battle commence.

-See you later.

-All the best, bye.

So, Charlie...

With £400 to spend, Sue and Charles set off at a cracking pace.

We are running. We're in a hurry.

Come on, Marlene, I kid you not, time is of the essence.

Her name is Sue, Charles!

Aware of John's passion for gardening,

Phil leads John towards Cadix.

I think this might be beyond our budget.

-Do you like that?

-I do, yes.

-It's brand-new.

If you could buy that for somewhere between...

We've got to think clever here, because our stuff's going straight

into the auction, people aren't going to have the day before to view it.

It probably won't be on the internet, so we've just got to...

It's what's someone going to want there?

You could argue... Somebody who's got a garden.

It's not a specific thing, you know what I mean?

It might just do a job but we need to get it for between 50 and 80 quid.

-That is good.

-But no age.

Let's bear that in mind, but he said that he's got a shed over here

that he puts things in which have just come in.

-It might be an idea to go there first.

-Very nice.

Maybe one for the pot later.

Oh, my goodness.

Now, how are Sue and Charles getting on?

-Hello!

-Oh, dear!

Oh, dear, indeed.

Can you not see Marlene and Del Boy together having a little cocktail?

This, to me, takes you back.

This is a Del Boy special and I think there is somebody out there

who could see themselves with a little umbrella in the glass.

-Exactly.

-And one of Del's special cocktails.

-Curacao with a bit of vodka and cider.

-Oh, God, don't take me back.

It captures you, it's in good condition.

-I love the finish.

-It is, I'm afraid, stretching our budget.

But it is so kitsch.

Spot on, Charles.

The home bar has been in and out of fashion since the 1920s and '50s,

but enjoyed a resurgence in the 1970s.

This one being a typical example of that era.

Ticketed at £245, it's not as cheap as it looks.

-Lovely concave cupboards, I like this.

-I like it.

It runs very smoothly.

It's a gorgeous piece, in many ways,

but we are on a very restricted budget.

If, on the day, there's an Only Fools And Horses fan who's potty,

it will go quite well.

If you model yourself beside it, that's the '80s swagger.

I'd be prepared to drape myself in a bit of leopard-print

and lean on this bar with you, Charlie.

-Do you think that might work?

-I'm in heaven, Sue. I'm in heaven.

-What do you think, Jim?

-We've got £245 on there.

It's not priced to take loads of money off

but a good trade price, 175.

-Could you come down further?

-150.

-Has it been here a long time, Jim?

-There's no dust on it, is there?

-It's been well polished up.

£150, eh? That's setting the bar quite high for your first buy.

What could we do to really add value to it?

We could almost serve a cocktail on it.

Maybe we'd have to now look for cocktail shakers

that we can add to the package.

Do you know what, you're clever.

And get a couple of those paper umbrellas,

which you're probably not going to find in an antique emporium,

but you never know.

-I think...

-One way or another, that Jim's going to say he'll take 140.

-Would you take 140 for it, Jim?

-I'll take the tenner off for luck.

He's taking a tenner off for luck! Thank you, Jim. The deal is done.

That is a deal. I might regret it, Jim, but you know what?

It's a wonderful item. Purely for its appearance, it's got the edge.

And I'm prepared to hand over the money!

Egyptian, maybe, but you'll need to be Tutankhamen to sell it.

Having parted with an astronomical £140,

Charles and Sue hit the road and Sue's already created a cocktail.

I think there's the added je ne sais quoi

-in Marlene's Pinky Winky.

-Oh, don't!

This is going to be a cocktail that could take off.

That would be an explosion of taste

and hopefully, an explosion of hands everywhere.

People are going to be as excited by the cocktail,

Marlene's own recipe, as they are by that magnificent Egyptian bar.

Rettendon is a small village in the borough of Chelmsford

and was once owned by the Bishop of Ely.

It's home to FB Antiques, Sue and Charles's next stop.

Meanwhile, back in Battlesbridge,

John is exercising his powers of persuasion.

You will sell this very cheap to us.

What do you reckon to that? I was just thinking, London auction.

-What was it used for?

-It's a water filter.

A water softener.

Which do you prefer out of the two?

Out of the one full of water or this one? I don't know.

We'll get the right price, of course.

For the right price, we could get both!

Quick learner, John.

-£60.

-For the two? £60 for the two, that's not bad!

-That's not bad, a very good deal.

-Could you do 100 quid for the two?

-Which is putting them in at 40 and 60.

-Say 50 and 60, 110.

110, what do you think?

-Let's have a wander round.

-That's very interesting.

I do like that, that's good.

No hurry, we've got all day.

The laidback approach may just take Jim off guard.

What would be the absolute finish on those two?

Could you do the two for 100 quid if we put the one in at 50

and the other in at 50?

-That's really giving the urn away, isn't it?

-It's up to you.

-I know you've got to make a profit.

-Yeah, I'll do that.

-You would do it.

Put them in the back of the E-Type.

That's £100 spent, I'll shake you by the hand now.

You've been very kind to us. Thank you ever so much.

-Thank you very much, sir.

-Thank you.

Well done, boys. Two lots sorted.

A Victorian stoneware water filter and a large garden urn for £100.

Now, where's the Jag?

Wey-hey! We're off, aren't we?

I got that far.

Or maybe not.

That's reverse, Phil.

There's a clutch in there somewhere, isn't there?

How are Sue and Charles getting on in Rettendon Common?

That's quite nice, isn't it?

-It's very sweet.

-That's quite good. That's Elkington silver,

so that teaspoon does belong in the box, silver.

Elkington were Birmingham manufacturers

who patented the first commercial electroplating process in 1840.

It's a delightful set, but isn't there something missing?

It hasn't got its little napkin ring.

Could one find a napkin ring to put in there?

Fred, have you any napkin rings floating around in your emporium?

-Unfortunately, I don't.

-It's quite nice.

We're not going to make a killing on this, are we?

-Just one second, there might...

-Fred's had an idea.

Nothing like a good rummage through your own drawers.

Look what he's found! Does it fit?

-I doubt it.

-It's going to be too fat.

Oh...

What a man. That is a Victorian silver napkin ring.

You then have a fairly modern Elkington,

who were the leading silver and plate manufacturers and retailers,

with a very nice silver egg cup and a spoon,

and although it's a matched set now,

because before that wasn't there, that's a good lot.

You're falling in love, aren't you?

Look at the man there and tell him, just look into his eyes.

-I'm falling in love with his napkin ring.

-Fred, she's falling in love.

I'm falling in love.

What can you do this for, Fred?

For you, it's a gift at £10.

Can I hug this man?

I'm going to give permission to Marlene to give you a hug

and say that's a sale.

It's Sue, Charles. I give up.

-Thank you very much.

-You're welcome.

It's been the best part of our day so far. How lovely.

Phil and John are taking a break from buying antiques

and heading off for a visit.

They're heading for Kelvedon Hatch,

John and Philip are about to enter a nuclear bunker...

Very exciting.

..built in 1952 when relations between east and west

were at their lowest.

Josef Stalin was still in power in the Soviet Union

and Churchill was back in government in Great Britain.

Warheads were being produced at an alarming rate and pointing our way.

There was a very real threat that they would be used.

By the 1960s and '70s, the threat was taken

so seriously that public information films were broadcast, giving hints

and tips on how to survive a nuclear attack.

ANNOUNCER: There is danger outside, so don't go outside.

John and Phil have come to meet Mike Parish, grandson of the

original owner, from whom the MoD requisitioned the land.

Mike bought it back, complete with the nuclear bunker, frozen in time

since its decommission in 1992, but it's far from what you might expect.

This is a bit like an iceberg, isn't it?

What you see on the top is a fraction of what's underneath.

-It is, indeed.

-Really?

-This is the guard house.

It was built in 1952 by the Air Ministry, designed to look like a

typical farm cottage as a bit of a disguise, and it houses the entrance

to the bunker, which is buried 100 foot underground behind you.

You might imagine that a bunker is a dark, dank,

concrete hole in the ground.

But no, far from it.

This underground complex utilised

the cutting edge technology of its time.

It's fantastic walking through here, isn't it?

It's so evocative and I think it's because of the sounds.

And it's almost as if it's up and running

and the people have just left, you know? I think it's extraordinary.

It's not known exactly how many nuclear bunkers are dotted around

the country, but estimates vary between 300 and well over 1,000.

In 1949, the Soviet Union tested its first atomic bomb,

which triggered the building of these bunkers.

Designed to hold up to 600 personnel,

including the Prime Minister and the Cabinet,

it was more like a city under the ground, completely self-contained

with offices, dormitories, telephone exchange, television studio

and even its own operating theatre.

Its chilling role in the event of an unthinkable nuclear strike

was to co-ordinate the military response and ensure the survival

of the remaining British population.

After the fall of the Berlin Wall, east-west relations improved.

This bunker, and numerous others like it,

was costing millions of pounds a year to maintain,

so it was eventually decommissioned.

But now it's preserved as a museum,

a bleak reminder of what could have been.

It's an astonishing place with plenty of reminders

of our recent history lying about.

-How many of these chairs have you got?

-Quite a few.

-We'll give you 20 quid for four.

-20 for four?

That's only a fiver each!

-Your maths is better than mine.

-Got cash on here. There it is. Bang!

In your hand. That's a deal.

-Gentleman and a scholar.

-Good man!

That's your 20 quid. Right, we've got to find four of these now.

-Well done, sir.

-I'll have that one.

So, heading back to the surface

with Phil's nuclear souvenirs, the chairs,

it's time for all our experts and celebs to take a well-earned rest.

Night night!

JOHN HUMS

Day two of the road trip and the sun is shining.

Our celebrities are rested, ready

and on the road to rejoin the experts.

I think you, basically, should be very depressed,

because I think our stuff is... going to fly.

I've a feeling the phone lines are going to be hot.

Picturing that bar, lukewarm actually comes to mind.

Now, how is the temperature in the Cortina?

How many of the... How many laughs did you get?

-He's John Challis, Charlie.

-No, but it's Boycie.

That's acting. That's not what they're really like, that's not their real names.

-I keep telling him.

-Is he like Boycie, though?

Oh, honestly!

Now, this road trip is on the move again

and our teams find themselves in Great Baddow.

-Bye! Bye-bye! Bye!

-Good to see you again!

While Sue and Charles head into the Baddow Antique Centre...

We've got to look for something quirky and fun...

-Exactly, exactly.

-..to go with what we've already got.

..John and Phil are nipping up the road to try their hand

in A Little Bazaar.

This shop isn't built for me, John.

-But it's truly bizarre.

-I'm going to breathe in.

-OK.

Sue, what are you thinking?

We're rolling back the years.

You can see Del Boy drinking his cocktail out of that, can't you?

That'd be an awfully big umbrella. Is this going to ruin your reputation

forever, Charlie, just mingling with me and being persuaded to buy...

Marlene...look at me. No! I assure you, Marlene, it won't,

because when you go to such almost a sickly kitsch, it's what the market

thrives on, because it's such a heartbeat from a certain period.

-I'm in love with it.

-It's in good condition, it's not overpriced.

I think what we'll do is put it down, mental note,

-and when we quickly...

-See what we've got left in the kitty.

-Exactly.

-Don't forget it.

I don't think it's going to fly off the shelf as we wander around.

Now, are John and Phil making any progress?

What have you found?

That's sweet.

And it's practical. It actually works. Look at that.

-Does the other one work as well?

-Yes.

-How much is that?

-What? Four pounds.

-We can't!

-Go on, Phil, push the boat out.

-Hornby! Hornby, course it is.

It's a Meccano Hornby train set.

Some little lad, 1953, waiting for Father Christmas to come.

Sounds like me. I was that boy.

-Really?

-I always wanted...

-Tragic story.

Excuse me while I reach for the hankies!

Meanwhile, have Sue and Charles finally found something?

What about, for the bar, the Uncle Albert decanter.

Exactly.

For those who don't know, Del's Uncle Albert was

one of the iconic characters from Only Fools And Horses.

An ex-Navy man, notorious for his fishy tales beginning with,

"During the war..."

-Uncle Albert did sink an awful lot of ships.

-Yes.

And that's the sort of thing that would have gone down with him.

-Were you quite close to uncle Albert?

-Very close.

-Were you?

Don't you think he might have brought it back from his days at sea?

"During the war..."

"During the war", and Del would have loved it

because it's nicely decorated.

I am a little bit in love with this. You're not, are you?

No, but for the memory of that great man, you're quite right.

We could romanticise it, couldn't we, really take people back?

We can let them live those days during the war.

-Mental note.

-Mental note.

Not sure that the war was that romantic, Charles, actually,

but is there any romance in the little bazaar?

-Phil, where are you?

-What?

-I've had a great idea, look.

They're not for you, are they?

Fantastic shoes and I have found this dress?

Don't you think it's pure Marlene?

I mean, look, see, it's as if they're made for each other.

What do you think are the chances? Can we get her to model it?

You know her better than I. Do you think there's a chance?

-Do you think it'd sell?

-No.

-She'd love it.

-Those are fantastic.

-Aren't they?

They might suit Marlene,

but I'm not sure about Sue, who happens to have found a bargain.

-Priced at...it's free.

-There's no price. Could be a freebie.

You're quite right.

-That's a really attractive chair.

-It's cute, isn't it?

-And it's period.

That's happily period, so it's 1885 and that's a cute chair.

Can we find out how much that is, because I'm in love with that.

Are you really? I'll go and find out.

She falls in love quite freely, our Sue, doesn't she?

My lady over here has found a very nice chair.

-And it looks as though it's free. There's no label on it.

-OK.

-Let's investigate for you.

-Can we see if it's absolutely dirt cheap?

This is a chair that Marlene would buy.

It's also a chair that I would buy.

I think I am turning into Marlene. That's a great worry!

-It's got no price on it.

-No.

-Can we just walk out with it?

The dealer is just giving it away.

That's awfully sweet of... Male or female dealer?

Fortunately, the dealer is here today,

-so we can have a word with Ian.

-We can actually thank him?

-I'll have a quick chat with him and see what we can do.

-Would you?

-Thank you.

-No problem at all.

Bad news.

Ian says the chair comes with a desk, but the good news...

However, he is prepared to sell it separately and the very best

-he can do is £60.

-If it was 50,

I would say, "I don't care what you think, I'm buying it anyway."

-Yes, yes.

-But at 60, I know it's a risk.

That's your very best, 60?

Do you want me to go and try my very best?

-Shall I say...

-Marlene?

-It's Sue!

-Go and talk to him.

-Strut your stuff, please.

-Ian, you're Ian.

-Yes.

Ian, I love your little chair.

-Couldn't do it for 50, could you?

-As it's you.

Ian, I love you! We're having it!

A Little Bazaar has certainly lived up to its name,

as John and Phil have found an odd mix of toys,

ladies' shoes

and majolica.

Have they lost their way?

For such a small shop, how did we got lost here?

-Ooh, I don't know.

-We need to make a decision, don't we?

-So it was £20 for those three, wasn't it?

-That's it.

I tell you what I think,

I think if we buy these, we can put that with something else.

We can put that with something else, right? And I'm so confident,

-so confident that we're going to be victors...

-Yes.

-..that we can always give those to Sue, can't we?

-As a present.

-As a compensatory present for losing.

-For coming second.

-Yes, yes.

-She'd love that. Yes, she would.

-20 quid. Yes?

-Yes.

-Great, terrific.

-You happy with that?

Come along, driver. Hurry up.

John and Phil say goodbye to Great Baddow

and head for their next shop in Halstead.

Meanwhile, back in Great Baddow, Sue and Charles continue shopping

and funnily enough, that goblet and decanter set

have not been snapped up.

-What about this?

-It's... Goodness me.

Imagine that on the bar with... Uncle Albert's decanter.

Yes, that's a nice twosome, I like it.

Have you noticed what it was standing on?

You're becoming a very risque shopper.

-I've got the shopping bug now, darling.

-Yes, I know.

-And I do like the chair as well.

-I think it's beautiful,

a little silver tray. Tell me about that.

Probably 1930s, 1950s. It's called an Art Deco tray.

It has this wonderful, almost...

I don't know what it is, actually, almost a sort of lacquered veneer,

which really gives off that slinky feel.

I think that the people here are going to be very kind to us.

Before we ask them, can I get my alligator glass?

I can't leave without my alligator glass.

Go and get that now and let's do a deal.

Ah, if you must, Sue.

I don't care if it does ruin his reputation.

Nor does he, I suspect.

I love your run, by the way.

It's the high heels.

I love it. It's quite like my own run as well. It's great.

Now, we've got four items here we need to negotiate on.

Because otherwise, we're not going to have one of these lots,

because we haven't got enough money.

-Exactly. Exactly.

-Is this where we need to talk to...

This is where it gets interesting.

OK, so the decanter,

my Uncle Albert decanter, is marked at 38.

What do you think you could do for us?

As it's you, Marlene, the very best we can do on that

is going to be £10 on the decanter

and I think that's a very fair deal, OK?

-That's unbelievable.

-Give.

-That is a gift.

-It's a gift.

This is Ernie, he's the owner of the cocktail shaker and tray.

The two of them are marked at 110 and Russell's already,

we've beaten him down to 75. Can you do any better?

-Because we've got to beat Boycie, I'll do it for £50.

-Oh!

I love it! Can I kiss another man?

-What a man.

-Thank you. No problem. Good luck.

-I'm falling in love all over again.

-Thanks, you're a good man, £50.

-Thank you so much.

-Thank you.

There's also one more thing, isn't there?

There is one more thing

and this, I think, is actually going to ruin Charles Hanson's reputation.

Get out of here.

But I want very much to buy, for my Del Boy cocktail bar,

this beautiful alligator glass.

I'm building it up too high,

because then it will be overpriced.

I don't know if we can afford it.

OK, going on the prices of the cocktail shaker and the tray,

I think it's only fair we do the glass for £5.

SUE LAUGHS

Oh, I'm a woman in Heaven.

Thank you very much, consider the whole thing done,

we're buying the lot.

Boycie, eat your heart out.

SHE LAUGHS

Ha! Don't speak too soon, Sue, because in Halstead,

John and Phil have found old legal documents

that look to be of interest.

How much do you think that's worth?

-I don't know. What, individually?

-Yes.

I don't know. At least a fiver, isn't it?

Would you pay a pound for it?

-Yes, I would.

-Well, it's priced at a pound.

I was thinking if you bought, perhaps...

I love them. I think they're right up my personal alley here.

There's a load more in there, which are a bit more valuable.

You know, I mean, I think...

-You could make a whole wall of them, couldn't you?

-Yes.

-Fantastic wallpaper, isn't it?

-Yes.

What are they saying, these?

This is an indenture, isn't it?

In medieval times, a contract was written in duplicate

on the same sheet, with the copies separated

by cutting along a jagged or toothed line, hence indenture,

so that the teeth of the two parts

could later be refitted to confirm authenticity.

"Between these agreements,

"right honourable Robert Earl Grosvenor, Viscount

"Belgrave and Baron Grosvenor of Eton

"in the County Palatine of Chester..."

-That's an indenture...

-Yes.

..that's between the Duke of Westminster's estate

or a relative of his.

Tripartite indenture, so it's between three people.

I'll bid you 50 quid for the lot now.

Toss you for it.

-What, 50?

-Heads, 70, tails 50.

-We've got no idea. Bit of fun, isn't it?

-Yes, yes.

-You up for that?

-Yes. You've got the double-headed coin.

I have. Hold on. I'll just go and check it out.

-Use yours, yes.

-Yes.

HE LAUGHS

I missed that.

Right, are you ready for this?

Now, if we win, we get them for 50 quid.

Heads 70, tails 50.

-So you're calling heads.

-Yes.

Grudgingly, very grudgingly, I've got to give you 70 quid now.

That makes each individual document

worth a pound, with 70 in the collection.

Thank you ever so much. Thank you, thank you.

Cheers, mate. Terrific.

John's taken a liking to a couple of glass tankards,

printed with signatures of the 1960s Surrey and England cricket teams.

Having shown the way, Phil has left John to make the deal.

Absolute rock bottom, I'd really like £15.

-That's your rock bottom?

-Mmm.

Well, I'm afraid my rock bottom's actually a bit lower than yours.

Great start, John.

Might be worth, what? Five quid each?

I might need to squeeze a bit more out of you than five quid each.

Toss for it.

Remember what happened last time, John.

15 or 10.

-Heads, 15, and 10, tails.

-Tails. Got it.

-So are we saying...

-I'm saying tails.

It's tails.

-For 15?

-No!

THEY LAUGH

He's changed it round again.

£10. £10. Terrific. Thank you very much.

Well, Philip, that's the way it's done.

Well, I think that was good. You happy with that lot?

I'm really happy with that lot, I'm really, really happy.

Whether they make any money, Lord knows,

but I think we've bought really interesting things.

-I'm very happy, so if you're happy, I'm even happier.

-Good stuff.

This road trip is on the move again, in Gosfield.

That's Gosfield shopping village. No time to lose.

Good evening, ladies.

Do you recognise that?

Ah!

Good Lord, that is tiny.

-Trotters Independent Traders.

-Yes.

-New York, Paris and Peckham.

-New York, Paris, Peckham.

I think that's so cool.

The Trotters' iconic van is frequently

and incorrectly referred to as a Robin.

It's actually a Reliant Regal Supervan.

Would it be possible to have a look at that, do you think?

Yes, of course.

If you get a fine point or something,

-you could just get the signature on there.

-Yes.

Well, it's a possibility.

So this is... They call these swing framed toilet mirrors.

-Oh, yes?

-Because the frame swings.

-Yes.

It's lifted and it's got this nice shield shape to it all.

But it's been through the mill a little bit.

So this would've sat in a gentleman's bathroom,

with a wash set and bowl, probably,

-and he would keep his studs or whatever in there.

-Yes.

In an ideal world, if at all possible,

it would be good if we can buy the two for 20. That would be good.

I think special for you, yes.

Really? You're an angel. Thank you very much, indeed.

Let me get some money. This is where the money comes out again.

-Thank you so much.

-You're welcome.

I'm amazed you've got any left, Phil.

-Well done.

-Thank you very, very much.

-That's fantastic.

-You like that.

-I do.

-I love that.

-I love the shape of it.

-It's elegant, isn't it?

I think it is, yes.

-Well, there we go. Finished.

-Yes.

Not quite.

Time to discover what your rivals have been buying

and to share with them your own eccentric purchases.

Three, two, one, go.

-Well!

-Certainly interesting, isn't it?

-That's interesting, the word interesting.

These four stacking chairs, which I think are trendy,

-we got them out of the nuclear bunker.

-You didn't.

-Yes.

-They were what you call fallout.

-Really?

-They were £20.

-Yes.

-SUE: For the four.

-We bought this urn, which cost us 60 quid,

so we hope there's a bit of a profit in that.

I think you bought that because Mr Challis wants that in his garden.

-I could get inside it, too.

-SUE: We'd like to see that.

How much is a Challis urn?

And then we bought this water purifier, the London water filter.

-Which was 40 quid.

-Yes.

But the most interesting thing,

I will now hand you over to my dear and esteemed colleague,

is these lots here.

SUE: That's pretty. What are these?

We found all these indentures and we got them, actually,

I think, at a very, very good rate.

-There are 70 of them.

-We paid a pound each.

I think they are really speculative.

I think they could do really well, because they have that history,

which, if you catch the right buyer, they're worth a lot of money.

-It would be wonderful to do the research on it.

-Absolutely.

We thought, if nothing else, you could paper your loo with them.

-I'd rather put them on the wall, personally.

-Ready?

-Ready.

-On your marks, get set, go.

Here's our first ensemble.

-That's nice, Charlie.

-Oh, gosh, that's lovely, yes.

See you later, alligator! I'm afraid I fell in love with this.

I suspect it's going to ruin any credibility that Charles Hanson

-has ever had in the business.

-No, I like that.

What's it worth, John? What's it worth?

-Have a guess.

-Oh, I don't know.

£2.50?

Yes, thanks for coming. Yes, thanks.

-What did it cost us?

-A fiver.

-We got it for a fiver.

I think you're right. Charlie, what's the last thing?

-Well...

-This...

-..we got caught in time, didn't we?

-Yes, I think it might be our coup.

This is our great coup.

Are you ready? Three, two, one, drop the cloak.

Look at that. Look at that.

I cannot actually believe it.

Do you know, I am horribly underwhelmed.

Same here.

Overwhelmed, sorry.

Now, when we saw this delightful, wonderful cocktail bar,

-which cost us 140...

-140.

-How much?!

-We are going to sell it with the unique...

Unique.

..unbelievably good...

-Which you'll taste in a moment.

-..recipe for Marlene's Slinky Pinky.

-Her very own recipe.

-I'm going to propose a toast. Here's to a jolly good auction for all of us.

ALL: Cheers.

Here's to a jolly good auction.

Well done. Very good.

Oh, my life!

This road trip started in Battlesbridge,

but the winner will be decided in the auction room

that awaits due south in Dartford.

Dartford has been a market town since medieval times,

and was an important crossing for the old Dover-to-London road,

but forget about a walk in the park today.

We're here to do battle at Watermans Auction Rooms.

Both teams begin with £400 each and two days on,

John and Philip have only spent £240 of it on a number of items,

now organised into six varied lots.

-Fantastic wallpaper, isn't it?

-Yes.

Almost better than anything else, I'm thinking, Mr Alligator.

Sue and Charles spent slightly more,

at £265, and also ended up with six auction lots.

The man with the gavel is Colin Waterman.

First up, John and Phil's water filter.

Nobody at 60? I'll try with 50, then, surely.

50 I've got, thank you.

50 I've got. Five anywhere?

Selling at 50.

Too cheap at 50. 55, 60, five.

70? 70 I've got.

Five I'm looking for. It's for charity.

You're a good valuer of these.

70 I've got, still.

Last time. It's going. At £70, it's selling.

-Well done.

-Fair warning.

Well done, John.

A good start for John and Philip, with a tidy profit.

Even minus commission.

Next up, Sue's kitsch goblet.

15 straight in. 16, 18.

Thank you.

22, 24.

-Yes, good!

-26.

28, £30.

-32, 34.

-Yes, I like it!

34, 36.

38, £40, 42.

-44.

-There is no justice here.

We should have bought more rubbish.

Instead of the quality we went for.

60 anywhere?

Seated at 55 and it's selling.

Yes!

An amazing £50 profit, which puts Sue's team out in front.

Charlie, how did that work? How did that work?

As an auctioneer, I'd have thought you'd know that, Phil.

Now, will the large garden pot be a nice little earner for the boys?

100 I've got, thank you.

That is a relief.

105, 110, 115, 120.

Think of Grandad.

Five, 30, five, 40, five.

This is going well.

180, five.

190, five.

200, 210.

Still 210 there.

Selling at £210 for the last time.

It sells at 210.

-Well done.

-Oh, thank you.

-Boycie, well done.

Well done, indeed.

£150 profit.

John's passion for gardening clearly paying off.

Next, it's Sue and Charles's Uncle Albert decanter.

No bid at 25.

Oh, no.

-20.

-No, no, no.

Clearly no fans of Uncle Albert here.

15? 15 I have.

-Yes!

-18 anywhere now?

Selling at 15.

Last time. It's going to sell.

-18, thank you.

-Yes!

20, 22, 24, 26.

Keep it going. 32, 34.

These people are in need of treatment.

Still with the lady at 36. Eight anywhere?

I'm selling at £36.

Yes.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

Lovely jubbly! A £26 profit.

Uncle Albert would be pleased.

Next up is Phil's impulse buy from the bunker.

£20 to start me on the four?

-15?

-Ouch.

10? Ouch, ouch.

Ouch! Oh, dear.

I'll take the five for the four chairs, then.

That's a five I have.

Six? Six. Seven?

Six I have.

I think we've just crashed.

We - I - have just crashed here.

Big-time, Phil.

Sold.

Well, thanks, mate. Well done. Terrific.

Been lovely seeing you. See you all soon, it's been lovely.

Bye!

A loss of £14, less commission.

Next up, the silver-plated Deco pieces.

Sue is expecting great shakes for these.

40. It's a lovely thing.

Down to 35, then.

-110 now!

-This is Dartford!

Don't they do cocktails in Dartford?

I kissed two antique dealers for this.

£30 I've got to start it.

30 I've got. Looking for 35.

35, 40, five, 50.

-Selling at 45 to the young lady.

-No, no!

Last time at 45.

We made a loss!

Correct, Sue.

In fact, a £5 loss less commission.

Funny old world, isn't it?

Well, Phil, let's hope it's funny enough to contain a cricket-loving

Meccano-collecting majolica fan in need of a mirror,

who wants to buy your next lot.

35 straight in at the back. 38. 40?

40 there. 42, 44.

46, 48, 50, 55.

60? Still 55.

At 55, it's going.

That's a £10 profit before commission.

It's looking as though the boys are unbeatable.

Will Sue's bedroom chair close the gap?

Should be around about 50. 45?

40?

£40 straight in, thank you.

Five anywhere?

40, I've got. Still looking for five.

45, 50.

Five, 60?

55 I have. 60 anywhere?

Selling at 55.

I've got to tell you, I think that was a result.

Do you?

OK, we have a box of...

Unfortunately, Charles, after commission, that's actually a loss.

Up next, the Trotters Independent Trading company van.

20?

18?

15, surely. 15,

16, 18, 20.

22.

24, 26, 28.

Going well for a three-wheeler.

34, 36.

38, 40.

Worth it.

42, 44?

Still 42 and selling at £42.

Well done.

Well done, guys. Well done.

Well done, thank you.

Cushty, I believe is the word.

Next up, it's the collection of indentures.

70 in total, bought for £70.

120, I've got.

Looking for 125.

125.

130, five, 140, five,

150, five, 160, five,

170, five, 180, five,

190, five,

200, 210, 220, 250.

260,

270,

280?

270 seated. At 270.

-Brilliant.

-Pleased with that.

And so you should be, Phil.

A £200 profit before commission, all on the toss of a coin. Cor!

Lovely jubbly.

Let's hear it.

Shut up, Charles.

Lovely jubbly.

Del Boy'd be proud of you, my son.

Proud indeed, as it puts you firmly in the lead.

However, Sue and Charles still have two lots to go.

The first of these, the silver Elkington set.

Start me at 60.

Lovely piece of Elkington.

Any interest at all?

Over there, sir.

60 with the lady here.

60 I've got.

Five anywhere?

Selling at £60, at the back.

At £60.

That's £50 profit, but still leaves Sue and Charles trailing.

It's time to kitsch up with their final item.

In the words of the inimitable Del Boy Trotter,

the bonnet de douche of today's auction.

Bring on the bar!

Anyone, 165? 165 there. I've got 170.

You get a free drink!

175. In the room at 175. Looking for 180. I'm out.

And you get a free cocktail.

-Looking for 180 now.

-And you get a free cocktail.

-A free drink.

-Free cocktail.

You get the bar, you get the pineapples.

And the purchaser will get photographs of Boycie and Marlene

at the bar drinking a cocktail.

Another profit, but is it enough?

As an epic struggle ends, let's crunch the numbers.

Our celebrities began with £400 each.

After auction costs, Sue and Charles have made a reasonable profit

of £84.32, so end their road trip

with a total of £484.32.

After auction costs,

John and Philip have made an amazing profit of £295.46

and end their road trip with a total of £695.46,

giving them a resounding victory.

All good things come to an end, so time to say their goodbyes.

Could be an interesting drive back.

Funny thing is, a profit

of £84.32 would normally win one of these trips,

but Sue and Charles were up against an unstoppable partnership

in John and Phil.

Now it's time for our experts and celebs to part company

for the last time. All profits generated by our celebrity teams

will go to Children In Need.

Three days and he's learnt her name.

-How does the laugh go?

-Huh-huh-huh-huh!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd