Episode 10 Celebrity Antiques Road Trip

Some of the nation's favourite celebrities...

What if we were to say 150 for the two? Then you've got yourself a deal.

..one antiques expert each...

A-a-a-a-a-h!

# Da, da, da, da, da, da, da! #

..and one big challenge.

Who can seek out and buy the best antiques at the very best prices?

HE BLEATS LIKE A SHEEP

THEY LAUGH

And auction for a big profit further down the road?

Who will spot the good investments? Who will listen to advice?

What you've just come out with there, I cannot believe that!

And who will be the first to say, "Don't you know who I am?!"

Time to put your pedal to the metal.

This is Celebrity Antiques Road Trip!

Yeah!

Welcome to Hampshire, a part of southern England,

filled with bucolic charms, but not immune from the English summer.

I'm now driving my own little paddling pool!

THEY LAUGH

Gregg Wallace and John Torode create heat in the kitchen,

and they'll be no soggy sponges when it comes to antiques.

-GREGG:

-This is a competition between you and I, so obviously I'll win.

-You think.

Let's just remember I am Australian and slightly competitive.

You're also used to being secondary to me on MasterChef.

Gregg Wallace is best known as a tough taskmaster

on the MasterChef programmes.

His roots were in selling fruit and veg...

..which sparked his love of food and restaurants.

And he still makes time for fun.

Oh, yeah! This is nice, me and you hanging out, don't have to taste anybody's rubbish food!

Aussie-born John Torode's tasted a lot in the name of MasterChef.

A classically trained chef and restaurateur,

he demands the best from MasterChef hopefuls.

-And nothing less from himself.

-Thank you!

Charles Hanson and Charlie Ross are in their 1968 Beetle

en route to meet Gregg and John.

Charles has high hopes.

They appreciate the sweet and the savoury,

we appreciate the pedigree and the condition.

It could be a foursome made in heaven.

It might be, especially as Gregg and John like their 1969 MG Midget.

But Gregg has firm views on what's acceptable.

-If my one's got a cravat, I'm just walking!

-Yes.

I'm not having anyone with a cravat. People with cravats are weird.

No cravats then, Gregg, I promise. There are some things best kept plain.

A simple guy, Charlie. I like, you know, I like toast and jam.

-You know, cheese on...

-No, you like a value meal!

Charles Hanson may eat simply but he has fancy taste in antiques.

# He likes bread and butter... #

He's a seasoned auctioneer with a passion for early English porcelain and neoclassical furniture.

When it comes to plain English, it's another story.

It's the hustle and bustle of digging deep.

# Food, glorious, food

# Hot sausage and mustard... #

Put a sock in it, chaps!

When not deafening hedgerows,

Charlie Ross is a distinguished auctioneer.

He ran his own auction house for 25 years before going freelance.

Since then, he's sold everything,

from Jimi Hendrix songs to Wembley Stadium memorabilia.

Even so, he can never predict when the next big find might be.

Good grief! Talk about an Aladdin's cave!

Never mind choosing antiques. First, who's pairing up with whom?

-This guy who is called John Torode...

-Yeah.

He is Australian, he's suave, he's charismatic, he's cool.

Why don't you get fresh with him?

Gregg is the guy who wears big glasses, he's really passionate,

he really waxes lyrical when it comes to oozing out fine food.

I can get passionate with him and you can get fresh with, erm, John.

You know? And that could be a good foursome.

I'm not sure about this getting fresh and getting passionate.

No, that's definitely not in the rules!

You know full well you get a celebrity and £400 each,

a classic car and two days' shopping

to see who can make the most money at auction.

Our fresh four start their road trip in Alton, in Hampshire,

weaving their way through the pretty countryside of West Sussex,

ending at an auction in Fernhurst, on the Surrey-Sussex border.

The market town of Alton was home to Sweet Fanny Adams.

HE CHUCKLES

Yes, she really existed, until her gruesome murder in 1867.

Happily, the only danger today is our teams MAKING Sweet Fanny Adams.

Speaking of which...

-Here they are. Morning.

-Good morning.

-How are you?

-John.

-Gregg.

-Charles...

-Hello, John.

-Gregg.

-Charlie.

-Hi.

-Two Charleses?

-A Charlie and Charles.

-Yeah.

-Exactly.

-You're our experts?

-Absolutely.

-Yeah. We know everything!

-Yeah.

-JOHN:

-Who's with me?

-Well, guys, we thought...

-What do you think?

-We thought...

-We've been thinking?!

-We've been thinking.

We were thinking in the car that you guys are quite similar.

-Sorry, erm, you and me are quite similar. And John...

-Get this right!

Sorry, John! Sorry, I'll start again. We thought, in the car, didn't we,

you didn't want to go with somebody who...

No, you wanted somebody... I'll start again. What do we do about this?

I just asked him who was with who, right? Can you imagine what he'll be like trying to find an antique!

-I think it's simple.

-Yeah.

-We shouldn't have two bald people together.

-You and I should be split up, don't you think?

-Yeah, OK.

Two... One with hair and one without in each pair!

-Good luck with this young whippersnapper!

-He'll be fine.

-You don't like the cut of his suit.

-It's a sale!

-Come on, Aussie!

-Let's go!

-Er, you have left school, have you?

-Yeah, I left school, um, about...

Gregg and the young whippersnapper - ha -

head for The Tiny Shop in Alton, which seems to appeal.

Oh! Croquet!

-Are you a croquet player?

-I love croquet.

-It's really competitive but it's real fun.

-Yeah.

-And it's very, very English.

-Yeah, yeah.

Hidden under this old brass...fire grate,

you've got an all-important name hidden down there. Can you read it?

It says "Jacques".

Jacques was the most important maker of early 20th-century croquet sets.

-That could be a really good buy, buddy.

-What about Alfred?

-Alfred?

-The grate. Alfred - I'm calling him Alfred.

-Oh, that's clever. Alfred the brass grate.

-Yeah.

-I tell you what, if I was that...

-Yeah?

-..I'd be on fire.

-How d'you mean?

How d'you mean on fire?

-(On fire...?)

-Keep up, Charles!

-Yeah, I've got it. "On fire", yeah, yeah, yeah, great!

-Right!

-Good. Great gag.

-Ha!

-Great gag. Get it? "Grate" gag!

-We've got...

-Hello, sir!

The croquet set's priced at £80

but Gregg and Charles are hoping dealer Rob will give them a -

sorry - "grate" bargain!

I reckon, Gregg, at auction, the auctioneer, the wholesale market

would guide that set to fetch between £30 and £50.

So I wonder if we could do a deal at 30?

We'll put it in the car, take it away and clear your front entrance.

-See, the hand has come out straight away.

-That's brilliant.

-Yeah.

You're a good man, sir. We'll take it for £30. Yeah, we like it very much.

No need to jump through the hoops there, then!

It's the first lot in the bag, I mean, box.

For their antique-buying appetiser

John and Charlie are bidding farewell to Alton

and heading ten miles down the road, to West Liss.

West Liss is the oldest part of the village of Liss, in Hampshire.

It boasts all those quintessentially English village amenities

like pubs, a playing field, a cricket club and, erm,

an Italian wine importer.

Bypassing the wine merchant,

John and Charlie head into Plestor Barn Antiques.

Don't get too worried about the antique side of things. We're here to make a profit.

The barn is run by Terry McCarthy.

They soon sniff out a find.

Brandy.

Oh, yes.

-Presumably you have to have a hell of a good sense of smell?

-Yeah, sense of smell and taste.

-Taste is what it's all about.

-Also I've got to make up for Gregg's inability to taste food properly,

cos he's got spoon stuck in his gob all the time, hasn't he? Right...!

Charlie sniffs out something spookily familiar.

People love playing croquet.

Have a look at one of the mallets and see if it's stamped with "Jacques" on it.

It says something else which I would think you might like.

So it says...

-Look.

-Oh, yeah. "The All England". Yep. And the other side...

"Jacques".

I think "The All England", refers to the model, if you like,

so it'll be their sort of luxury model.

Do you think they all match?

A close inspection shows some parts of the set aren't original

but that doesn't deter John and Charlie.

-I quite like it, though, you know? I mean...

-It's a great thing!

Yes! But it's £195!

At auction it would probably make 75 or 80 quid.

Really?! Charles reckoned 30 to 50.

-Complete death is 70 quid. I cannot do it for 50.

-That is... No, no, no.

A deal is doomed until John has a brainwave.

-I was thinking about afternoon tea.

-Yeah.

Maybe the person who buys it comes and has a cup of tea and a cupcake I make for them,

and they have their photo taken.

-I think that's just a belter!

-OK.

Have you got a cakestand you could throw in?

Well, let's see what a little rummage might turn up.

I found silver-plated muffin dish.

You could put your scones in there!

I think you'd have to dress up as a butler, wouldn't you? "Hello, sir."

The muffin dish should be £20 but Charlie's got a hunch.

If we gave you 70 quid, could we have a muffin dish with it?

Would that work?

80, really. 70, and ten for the muffin dish.

75?

OK. I've had a quiet week! 75 it is!

Cheers! Thank you.

Deal! It's a tasty starter for our road-trippers!

Back in Alton, it's going like clockwork.

-Oh, mate!

-What have you found there, Gregg?

Look, look, look, look, look! It's a wind-up Scottie dog!

-That's quite novel, isn't it?

-I love him! Look! Rrrrr! Go on, son!

-See, he's really good, actually.

-Rrr-ay!

The dog was made by the German manufacturer Schuco,

which achieved huge success in the 1920s and '30s

with its mechanical tin toys.

This little fellow doesn't have his original winding key.

It reduces his value a bit, but not his charm.

GREGG LAUGHS LOUDLY

Oh, mate! I just need to buy it myself! He's brilliant!

All I got to do now is teach him

to pee up the next-door neighbours' marigolds and he's done!

-Go on, you have a chat.

-Sir, best price on the Schuco dog?

-We'll give you a chance. £10.

-£10.

-It's a done dog! £10 done dog!

-Yeah. Are you enjoying yourself?

-I'm loving it!

-Really?

-This is... This is...

-We have chemistry together.

Chemistry, eh? Let's test it.

-I'll tell you... I have got some antique jokes.

-Have you?

-Yeah!

Tell me an antique joke. I might get this one.

Why did the Tyrannosaurus cross the road?

Erm...

There were no chickens in those days.

Ha! If that's chemistry, I'm Heston Blumenthal!

Stick with what you know, Charles,

which seems to be silver meat skewers.

This skewer dates to the year 1820.

-Five years after the Battle of Waterloo.

-Exactly...

-..12 years before the Great Reform Act.

-God, I love history!

-We've got one...

-Keep talking to me!

-One of the Georges on the throne.

It was made in London. That's a profile there of George IV,

and the maker's mark is up there, GP,

and the maker of this was a man called George Pierce.

-I just think it could be quite a good buy.

-You think?

-Yeah, I do.

It's not something I would, but I trust you.

-As an amateur historian, that excites me.

-Exactly.

-The hands it's been through and the era it was forged.

-Exactly.

What we've got here, around 1820, we've got political upheaval.

-A revolution's coming on from below.

-Lord Liverpool's government.

-Lord Liverpool's government.

-This man knows his history!

-The last great Tory government.

-Mate! He's my wingman! God!

We're living the dream and this is a dream.

-Let's do it. And, look, we're in this together...

-Exactly!

-If it goes wrong, you're copping the blame.

-How d'you mean?

-Well...

Ah, true team spirit there, Gregg(!)

Anyway, you need to get the price down from £175 first.

-What's the best price on your skewer?

-60?

Would you come down a bit more at all? Would you take for this, £40?

-Go on, then.

-Are you sure?

-Yep.

-Shake his hand quick!

Quick indeed! With the skewer, the toy dog

and the croquet set all in the bag for £80, these guys are cookin'!

In Liss, John and Charlie

are still rootling through the surprising stock at Plestor Barn.

-What about this, Charles? You seen this?

-No.

I used to have this as a kid.

-It's very clever. So these are the slides, right?

-Yeah.

-I think this is a collector's item.

-I remember those!

-Right.

-You put that in there, like that...

-Yeah.

-..then you look in it...

Yeah, look.

Brilliant.

Oh, loving it! Cornwall!

So these are all old. I don't know how old they are but look...

Well, John, the View-Master originated in the late 1930s,

when its stereo images of scenery

were intended to rival traditional postcards.

See, I even remember having one in the 1970s when I was a kid.

But they're beautiful. I think they're really beautiful.

And all the bits and pieces are in there.

And it's ten quid.

Ten quid?! There's not a lot of down side, is there?!

-Can we buy it?

-Absolutely. I'm right behind you.

-Shall I haggle?

-I think ten quid, no haggle.

While they're on a roll, the chaps also pick up a stamp album

and some loose stamps, reduced from £20 to £15.

So, signed, sealed and delivered.

That's a grand total of £100 for the stamps, the View-Master,

the croquet set and the muffin dish. What a mixture!

Gregg and Charles have left Alton behind them

to follow in John and Charlie's tracks, on the road to West Liss.

As a self-confessed jam and toast man,

Charles wants to know what makes a foodie.

Are you born with a good palate?

I think people that can't taste food can be palate deaf,

like people are tone deaf,

but definitely the more you do of something,

the better your palate gets.

Just think about what you're eating.

Don't say just, "Oh, I like it" or "I don't like it".

-Figure out WHY you don't like it.

-Yeah.

Gregg and Charles' second stop is Plestor Barn Antiques.

John and Charlie are long gone,

leaving the coast clear for some browsing...

And that is a big one, isn't it?

..and reflection on a relationship that's definitely defrosting.

I actually like old Chazza. He knows what he's talking about.

He's a bit posh at first and he uses really long-winded explanations,

but actually he's a good guy at heart and he does know his stuff.

Indeed he does.

And he's not short of clever ideas either.

Look at this. You know, you're a man who was all about fresh fruit,

and if you want fine, fresh fruit, freshly painted,

like a canvas on porcelain, look at that.

That's really pretty.

Hand enamelled, made by Royal Worcester.

What does hand-enamelled mean?

Hand-enamelled - it's been painted on by the artist,

so all the fruit, this began as a blank canvas

and the artist sat there for maybe three, four hours,

and has painted all of this on purely by hand.

-You're kidding me?

-No.

-That's beautiful.

-Yeah.

-No transfer printing, nothing.

-It has "greengrocer" written all over it!

Royal Worcester has a very elaborate system of marks

which enable experts to date each piece exactly.

This plate was made in 1954.

It's a bargain.

£8. You know, it's worth its weight in fruit probably ten times over.

-Sir...what's your bottom price on this?

-£7.

-That's a deal. Thank you so much.

-No problem.

Torode's not going to get anywhere near us.

I think Charlie Ross will be quaking in his boots

as he sees our objects tomorrow.

Hmm... I don't think it's quaking that's the issue right now.

-Whoa-ho!

-Oh, I say, matron! Let's give it...

That's it!

Crikey!

Team Torode is weaving its way, a little unsteadily at times,

the 11 or so miles from West Liss to Midhurst in West Sussex.

Charlie's curious to know about the foundations of the Torode empire.

-What brought you over here?

-I always wanted to travel the world.

I was going, "I want to live and work in Italy."

-I wanted to cook Italian food, properly.

-Yeah.

I came to England and ran out of money. I've never left since.

-I'm still 'ere!

-You have your own restaurant?

-Uh, yeah. Various...

-Which is in London?

-Yeah.

-Or have you got more than one?

-Yeah. My biggest thing is meat. I'm a beef man.

-Yeah.

I just specialise in great beef.

You have the only surviving lot of rare-breed beef

left in the whole world.

Every single breed has an individual flavour, so I celebrate beef...

-Fantastic.

-..and brought rare breed back to the fore.

After 11 miles and an awful lot of chewing the cud,

they're in Midhurst, a market town with over 100 listed buildings.

It's in the middle of the South Downs National Park

and only a short gallop from the polo at Cowdray Park,

don't you know?!

John and Charlie are headed for Marmaduke's,

an intriguing emporium owned by Carlo,

who is poised to help, with dealer Ann.

A cookery book catches John's eye straight away.

It's a Larousse Gastronomique but you need a better version than that.

A cookery book, signed by you.

-Would we get...

-I don't know...

-..Gregg to sign it?

We could probably trick...

Would that improve the value or detract from it?

THEY LAUGH

Hey! The cookbook idea takes hold!

There are some cookbooks down there. There's a couple of Mrs Beetons.

Mrs Beeton's All About Cookery.

Yes. What's that there?

-This is Mrs Beeton's All About Cookery.

-New Edition.

Yep, so this is an older one.

Oh, looks like first edition's got colour plates.

But after checking re-sale values online,

Team Torode decides it's not likely to make a quick buck from cookbooks.

They're presently going for about 64 pence,

so even at seven quid, they're over-priced!

I don't think we're going to get much value for it.

With the cookbooks ruled out, the search for a bargain goes on.

What is that?

-That's a stick pin.

-Oh, it's a stick pin?

-Might be gold. It IS gold.

Stick pins became fashionable in the late 18th century

as a way of securing a gentleman's neckwear

AND displaying wealth.

Tell you what I do like about that, is the original box.

-So turn it...

-It's gold... Yeah, have a look at it.

-The mother-of-pearl on the other side's amazing, isn't it?

-Yes, it is.

It's quite pretty, isn't it? You like that, don't you?

I do, I quite like that.

The stick pin is £38 - too pricey.

OK, I'll just pass you over...

John negotiates with the dealer.

Hi, Lynn, how are you?

Cheekily, what would be the best price you'd do for me, Lynn, PLEASE?

Very please, please, please, please!

-What was the verdict?

-Vingt-cinq.

-Vingt-cinq!

-Vingt-cinq.

Twenty-five!

They postpone a decision when Ann tempts them

with some splendidly British flying memorabilia.

What's this, then?

-That's the box for the goggles. They fold up.

-Ah!

So they've got their original box.

-I don't think I've seen them with their original box before.

-No.

Would you like to try them on? They're amazing.

Everything goes orange.

-You've just been...

-Blimey!

-You've just been tangoed!

Flying officer Torode!

But you imagine, have the sun on their faces up there, mustn't they?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm liking this.

There, look at that!

HE HUMS THE DAM BUSTERS THEME

What you could...

JOHN LAUGHS

That's doing it!

-That's brilliant!

-That's sensational!

JOHN SQUEALS

That's amazing!

I have to say...

-Yeah?

-..the thought of John wearing that in the saleroom...

could get the punters into a frenzied...

-A frenzies of bidding.

-Yeah, a frenzy of bidding.

Frenzy or not, Charlie has seen things like this BOMB at auction.

He needs a reduction on the original price of £70

to be confident of a profit.

Happily, Ann is flexible. Oh, yes.

Yes, we'd sell that for 35.

-35?

-Yes.

Well, I'll tell you what, I'm very happy at 35.

-Right.

-Yeah.

-Deal. I think you're going to make money out of it.

If you're that confident you'll make money out of it, we're going to make money out of it.

Let's hope so.

With the stick pin and the flying gear, it's £60 from the kitty.

Back in West Liss,

Gregg's persistent in the face of incomprehension.

When it snowed, me and my granddad, we used to go over Peckham Rye,

we used to go bobsleighing -

-one week, we managed to kill seven bobs!

-You didn't?

What are bobs? What are bobs?

-Bob slaying!

-Oh!

D'you know, I don't know why,

my mind doesn't quite click into your creativity.

-A randy lobster, he went to a disco and pulled a mussel.

-CHARLIE LAUGHS

-He laughed!

-Oh, dear!

He's giggling at my jokes! I'm wearing off on him!

Yes, yes, that's all very well,

but there are antiques still to be bought.

Look at this!

Fruity - I love it.

Charles has spotted another Royal Worcester piece.

It's a globular vase with a style of hand-painted decoration

popular in the 1920s.

This example dates from 1950.

It's not an antique, it's a collectible

but it's a high-quality collectible.

You know, Gregg, I'm going to say

"Look, just buy it, shake the man's hand. It's ten pounds".

-Deal done.

-All right, Kev.

-Cheers, Gregg.

-Cheers, Tel.

-You know how we're creating margins between them and us?

That margin is getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger.

We're on to a good thing. We're ripening.

That's it...

Well, as day one comes to a close,

you may be ripening as a double act but successful comedy's all about...

..timing, Charles.

Oh, well, never mind, Charles.

We'll politely not heckle and wish both teams nighty-night.

Day two of the road trip, and Charlie and Charles

have been discussing Gregg's background in fruit and veg.

Actually, he does look like a potato!

He's a good chunky chip.

If I've got a chippy chip, your man, Torode,

what was his great asset when it came to the kitchen?

-Meat.

-Meat?

-Meat.

-So what...?

-Choppy chop!

-It's Chippy Chip versus Choppy Chop!

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

This is the match of all matches. It's the chip on my side, against...

-Versus the chop.

-Exactly.

-Chip versus Chop!

-Exactly!

Chip and Chop don't seem to have such addled brains

but they know how to wind each other up.

-So we have a cunning plan!

-JOHN CACKLES

-What's the, what's the plan?

-I can't tell you.

-Oh.

You'll have to wait and see, Gregg.

But for now, Gregg and Charles have a spent a paltry £97

acquiring five lots -

a croquet set, a wind-up dog, a silver meat skewer

and two pieces of Royal Worcester.

That leaves a princely £303 to splash out today.

-Sir.

-Oh.

-Show me the way.

John and Charlie have paid out £160 for four lots -

the croquet set with silver-plated dish,

the View-Master and stamps,

the pilot's helmet and accessories, and the gold stick pin.

They have a more than adequate £240 to play with today.

-Hello!

-Morning!

-Morning!

-Morning!

What brings you here?

-JOHN:

-Don't know! Something about making some money!

THEY ALL LAUGH

Ha-ha-ha(!)

After a quick rendezvous and car swap,

our culinary, and culinaril-l-l-l-ly challenged couples

are ready to hit the road again.

John and Charlie are making the short hop

to the village of Petworth, in West Sussex.

It has some handsome houses and even rather grand street lighting

but that's beneath Team Torode.

They're expected at one of the finest country houses in the land.

This is Petworth House.

Situated on the edge of a deer park landscaped by Capability Brown,

Petworth House is a magnificent late-17th-century mansion,

now in the care of the National Trust.

Well...

I thought you said you were taking me to a big house!

Well, let's see...perhaps this is the back door!

-Hello!

-Hello!

-Hello!

-I'm Judy, come in.

-Hello, Judy. Charlie and John.

-And this what?

-Servants' entrance?

-Servants' entrance, yes.

-Ah!

-How appropriate!

-I'm used to that!

Sorry, John, it's the kitchens for you!

The servants' quarters and kitchen

were built separately from the main house, to reduce fire risk.

Wow!

Now this is a kitchen!

How many people would be working in a kitchen like this?

Erm, in this particular part there'd be the chef and three kitchen maids.

On special occasions,

there would have been up to 12 servants in the kitchen area,

producing some 400 meals a day -

though usually it was more like 100.

Look at the size of this thing.

Doubles up as a brass band.

Good GRIEF!

How would you carry that with something in it?!

Well, you'd probably have two people.

-Would have one on either side.

-Yeah.

Or you'd do it like this.

You put it under your arm, look...

Cantilever.

This is what's called a turbotiere.

Ah.

-For turbot?

-Correct.

-Very...

-There's something in there if you lift the lid.

-Oh!

-It's a bit small! THEY LAUGH

I actually think it's a brill, but anyway...

So, there's the fish kettle itself and there's the shape of the fish.

And it gets dropped into it and then, like that,

and, I mean, these things are worth a fortune.

It's a splendid thing, but John's a man for meatier matters.

Do you know when this was put in?

Erm, probably early 19th century.

The actual range, here, does date from Tudor times,

so that's really old,

-but I think all this equipment was installed much later.

-Right.

But look at that ferocious thing.

-So, down the back, obviously, there'd be fuel, down the back.

-Yep.

-So what you've got, you've got your main piece there...

-Yep.

So, butts of beef turning around

-in front of quite a decent-sized fire...

-Yep.

..and then these ones, so imagine you've got rabbits or pheasants,

or something like that from the top as that mechanism goes there.

So, this now, here, turns around and around, and around, and around,

-and around, and around, like that...

-Yep.

-..and that's how they would cook their birds.

-Yeah.

I would imagine that when you've cooked your pig or whatever it is,

you'd stand it in there and the juices flow into the bottom.

I would say as you're cooking it, all the juices are dropping into it

and this big thing here, the ladle, you'd go down the centre, like this,

you scoop out, like that, and you'd be going, "Bastey, bastey, bastey!"

THEY LAUGH

Gosh...I'm salivating.

I am as well, actually.

-Yeah, a bit of roast beef now'd be all right.

-Oh, it would.

And a tankard of beer, mate!

Sounds good to me, but there's still one thing to be resolved.

How did all the food get from here to the dining room,

-which must be somewhere over there?

-That's right.

Well, footmen would come and collect trays of food from the kitchens...

-Yeah.

-..and take them through a tunnel under the courtyard outside,

and upstairs on the other side into the main house.

-Under, un-under a courtyard?!

-Yes.

I don't like the way you're looking at me!

-Have you seen the size of those trays?

-I have.

Can you imagine how tough that was?

No.

Maybe you should find out.

This is a serious job!

You'd need to be an Olympic athlete to do this!

"My partridge is getting cold, madam."

Imagine the wine cellar down here, Charlie.

Oh, they'd have had some good bottles here.

"Nearly there, ma'am."

Do I serve over the left shoulder or the right, sir?

Charlie, I tell you what, whatever is it you're doing very well!

Splendid.

Well, thank you, it's been a real treat, it's been wonderful.

It's been my pleasure too.

-That kitchen is unbelievable.

-It's fabulous.

-Unbelievable.

I'd love to fire it up one day.

I'd love to fire it up and do, like, a banquet in there.

-Yes, please!

-You cook it, I'll eat it!

Why don't we do that next time for our auction?

What a good idea.

Yum-yum, count me in too!

Out in the country lanes of West Sussex,

Gregg and Charles are on their way to Midhurst.

Gregg has a captive audience.

D'you hear about the Spanish fireman?

Hold on, his name was, erm...

-Jose.

-Jose.

And his friend?

Hose B.

Oh, yeah, hose pipe. CHARLES CHUCKLES

Fella goes in a pub with a newt on his shoulder,

he says, "I'll have a pint of lager," he said,

"and a small whisky for Tiny here."

He said, "Why do you call him Tiny?" He said "He's minute."

CHARLIE CHUCKLES

Oh, my.

Hang on in there, Charles, it'll all make sense one day!

Gregg and Charles's final shopping stop is Marmaduke's,

where John and Charlie bought the pilot's helmet.

Gregg soon spots the cookery books that caught John's attention.

There's an old Larousse Gastronomique here.

What's that all about?

Well, that is THE book on French cuisine...

-Oh, really?!

-..and every, EVERY chef owns one.

These have been published for 100 years

and this is an old '60s or '70s one.

We have got, here, some copies of various Mrs Beeton's cookery books.

Oh, right, OK.

They're obviously a bit earlier.

This is wonderful, how old's this?

I suspect, looking at the binding, Carlo,

-this must be what, 1890, 1900, late Victorian...

-Around that, yeah.

..maybe. It is pretty tired, though, Gregg,

but it is certainly, it's an antique by definition.

-This is 1909.

-So, that's an antique, by definition.

I think these are quite good. I mean, look at this here, you've got...

Look at those wonderful plates, colour plates,

they really capture the essence of good Edwardian,

late-Victorian etiquette when it comes to dining and eating.

-You know, I think they've got potential.

-All right.

You could also, then, put that modern equivalent with them, perhaps?

And make a nice job lot of cookery books.

-What would be the best price on the four?

-Oh...

-To give us...

-I think probably...

-Yeah.

-I mean, they're, I think they're somewhere around the 30 mark at the moment.

Erm, £20?

-20. You wouldn't come down a bit less?

-Well, I'll take 15 on them.

£15. We'll say thanks ever so much.

Thanks for your time and helping us, and we'll pay you £15, sir.

OK.

There's £20.

So, John and Charlie thought the books were a turkey,

but Gregg and Charles reckon they're a recipe for success.

The proof, of course, is in the pudding!

John and Charlie have traded the grandeur of Petworth House

for the village of Petworth in search of bargains.

Phoenix Antiques! This is where it's at.

-You mean business today, don't you?

-I do mean business.

-Right.

-Hello.

-Hello, there.

-Hi!

-Hello.

-I'm Charlie.

-Sarah, pleased to meet you.

-Sarah, lovely to meet you.

Owner Sarah has a young assistant, and Charlie sees an opportunity.

-Are you an antique dealer?

-Yes.

-That's my girl!

Are you cheaper than your mother?

I don't really know about that one.

Oh! I've gotta see who to deal with.

That's it, yes.

Charlie's negotiating strategy needs work, but he knows what he's after.

I want a nice piece of silver, that's what I want.

-There's a chunky bit of silver.

-That's quite nice.

Don't suppose Aussies use these things, do they?

No, mate!

Nah, we use essence of axle grease, us.

Axle grease!

I don't use the old, er, the old squirter.

It's in amazing condition, 1922.

-Great condition.

-It is fantastic condition.

-Yes.

-If you like something like that.

-Yes.

Squirt your perfume on. What would that make at auction?

-I've no idea.

-Have a guess.

I dunno. That's why I'm here, to learn.

I think it would make about 45 quid at auction, 45-50 quid.

The ticket price is £85, so Team Torode needs to haggle hard.

You couldn't take...

£30 for that, could you?

Can't squeeze you a little bit on that?

You can squeeze me as much you like on 20!

THEY LAUGH

I mean, I would buy it for 30 quid.

It can go for 30 quid.

-Oh!

-Hooray!

-I'm happy with the purchase.

-I think that's very good.

-Are you all right with that?

-I'm really happy with that.

Well, I trust you.

One day with you and I now trust you. That's good, isn't it?

20...30 of the best.

You take the money.

Where are we going now?

Well, that wasn't bad, but there's a shop down here...

John and Charlie's final stop is less than a stone's throw away.

Charlie knows the dealer, Paul.

-99% of Paul's things, you will want...

-Yes.

..but won't be able to afford.

-Oh, my goodness. This is beautiful.

-I know.

-Good eye.

-Beautiful.

-I've seen Paul. Paul? It is, isn't it?

-Morning.

-Hello.

-Good morning.

What's this funny thing?

Oh, that's quite fun that. It's a pickle fork. That's very unusual.

It's mid-Victorian.

It was made, I think, in...1865, in Birmingham...

..and you stab your pickled onion, your gherkin,

and then you push it off onto your plate using the pusher.

Isn't that a splendid object?

And that is so typical of the Victorian ingenuity.

-And that's silver, isn't it?

-Oh, yes, silver, yeah.

And that's unusual.

I mean, 99% of those are silver plate.

-And what's the, what's the handle?

-Er, mother of pearl.

It's a handsome piece but at the handsome price of £145,

Charlie's certain an auction is not the place to make a profit from it.

Do you want to win the competition

or do you want to buy something that's really good?

-"Do you want to win the competition or buy something really good?"

-CHARLIE LAUGHS

-I want BOTH! Both. I love that.

-I don't talk like that!

You'd have my 100% blessing at 100 quid if Paul can do it

-because I... He's shaking his head.

-Please, 110, please?

-115.

-Strewth!

-We're going to have it.

A pickle fork, eh?

Let's hope it doesn't get them in a...

Well, you know where that one was going.

-Really appreciate that. I think it's a great thing.

-Thank you very much.

That's brilliant. Thank you very much.

Thanks very much indeed. Loving the pickle!

Let's go and find a pickle, Aussie. To stab your pickle with!

Gregg and Charles have been making their way six miles south

to the West Sussex village of Singleton

for a taste of history and food history.

They're meeting up with Richard Pailthorpe,

the Director of the Weald and Downland Open Air Museum.

The 50-acre site has over 50 buildings from southeast England,

dating from the 13th century onwards.

Each one was moved from its original site,

brick by brick and timber by timber, and painstakingly re-built here.

An invaluable record of rural life and building methods.

All of these buildings have in some way

been threatened with destruction

at some point in their previous history.

These are the ones that, probably, the likes of you and I

would've lived and worked in

if we'd been around 300 or 400 years ago.

We're very much the lower sort of status of society here.

You're an orphanage for homes?

Yep, that's a very good way of putting it.

In a 17th-century home, Gregg will make butter

using the method of that time - supervised by Lesley.

First of all, you need to milk your cow

and then you'd leave the milk to settle in bowls like this,

which are called pancheons, settling pans, for about 24 hours,

so the cream that's naturally in the milk just rises to the top.

And then you'll skim the cream off.

The cream goes to make the butter,

the remaining milk goes to make the cheese.

So, what do you add to cream to make butter?

Absolutely nothing.

So, the most recommended technique, with your hands,

is to use a sort of paddling motion.

Gregg's favoured technique is comedy.

So, what cheese do you use to disguise a horse?

-Mascarpone!

-Oh, dear, dear! LESLEY LAUGHS

And what did the cheese say to its reflection?

I don't know, what did the cheese say to its reflection?

-Haloumi.

-THEY LAUGH

Come on, come on, there's paddling to be done!

Is this safe to sit on?

It should be, it's lasted for thousands of years.

This is ridiculous! What about just that?

All you have to do is agitate the cream in some way.

All right. You are stupid cream!

You're the worst cream I've ever seen.

How ridiculous are you as cream! It looks pretty agitated to me.

Well, just keep on agitating it for about ten minutes.

Ten minutes?! If Napoleon had waited ten minutes

he'd have lost the battle of Austerlitz.

-Keep going, lad.

-My arm's aching!

-Women did this all day long without complaining.

-That explains a lot.

But, as you say, back in the 17th century

it made you a man, didn't it? It was hard work...

-Oh, yes, absolutely.

-..and it was the way to a long life.

A long life in the mediaeval times?!

What sort of historian are you? There's no such thing.

Long life was 40 years old, mate.

-Keep going.

-I've done it.

Yeah, that's whipped cream.

Why didn't anybody invent a whisk?

They're idiots! No wonder people didn't live very long,

they couldn't even invent a whisk!

It's turning to milk again?!

So you've got your butter curds now, separated from your buttermilk.

You wouldn't waste the buttermilk - that would go into your cooking.

-Oh, that...

-And that's your butter.

-Wonderful.

-We're going to get the rest of the buttermilk out of it

-because it feels quite slimy at the moment, doesn't it?

-Mmm.

It still has got quite a lot of moisture in it.

That is an AMAZING process.

But it's that quick.

-From a bowl of cream...

-Yeah.

..to an instant heart attack.

That process there is magical. I just feel enlightened.

Well, I'm surprised we've taught a chef like you something!

Well, so am I! I'm not even a chef, I'm a greengrocer.

Well, now you're a dairy maid too.

-I'm going to be fancied by the local squire!

-Absolutely!

Dream on!

After getting rid of excessive moisture,

Gregg's butter is ready for critical appraisal.

-Can we try some?

-Yeah, go on, take a bit.

Can we do it in that real MasterChef way together?

I'll be your John Torode, ready?

Hmm, good on the palate, isn't it?

I can feel the texture coming through.

It's only one texture mate, it's butter.

Oh, yeah, butter, it's butter.

It's unbelievably creamy.

That's one of the most interesting things I've ever done.

That was brilliant, my darling. Give me a kiss.

Mwah! That was absolutely brilliant!

What a smooth operator!

But you need to drag yourself back to the 21st century now, Gregg,

to reveal all to Team Torode.

Slightly disappointing.

And I think your biggest item is a shock to John and Charlie!

-Ah-ah-ah! What's that?

-Breathe in.

-Well, what do you think?

-It says...

Oh, Jacques Ltd London - I've heard of them.

-Yeah, they make quite good croquet sets.

-Apparently they do.

How much did you pay for your croquet set?

It's a great name, all the mallets are stamped...

The mallets are a bit ordinary, they're beech.

-They're not very nice.

-And they're not matching.

-How much would you pay for it?

-I would pay about £35.

-Really? Not impressed, are you?

-What did you pay for it?

-£30 it cost us.

-Did it really cost you 30 quid?

Do you know what they are? Those, those plates.

They're plates and a bowl.

That's Royal Worcester and that's Worcester.

-I think they're a real find cos they're Royal Worcester, fruit...

-Stale fruit.

-How much would you pay for them?

-To make a profit at auction

I would pay £40 for that one...

and I would pay £35 for the other one.

We paid eight quid for one, seven quid for the other.

Oh, no! That's cheating. That's theft!

-This is actually...

-It's a meat skewer!

-Exactly, Charlie.

This meat skewer is solid silver, it's London hallmarked.

-It's worth 120 quid.

-Well, we hope so.

It cost a bit more but not bad, is it?

-CHARLIE LAUGHS

-What did it cost?

-Tell him.

-10p? Hang on, what did it cost?

-40 quid.

-That's not bad...

-You creep.

-All right? All right?

-YOU, Mr Wallace, are a cheapskate.

That's very good, well done.

-We thought you're a meaty guy and you'd love the skewer.

-I do like the skewer.

-Yeah, the skewer's good.

-1820 - history!

Always looks good through your fifth rib.

-Right, young man.

-Got our work cut out!

CHARLIE SINGS

NO!

THEY ALL SHOUT

Woop-woop!

Now, there's a story to this.

-Unbelievable.

-This is Jacques...

-NO!

-It is Jacques.

It's a Jacques box with the balls in it.

-With the balls in it.

-Four balls, as you would with croquet.

But it comes with...

-a muffin dish...

-As you do.

..and when you've bought it, a cream tea with...

-No, you can't do that, you can't do that.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, I'm going to sign all these books then.

So all these books are going to be personalised by me.

That might detract from the value.

THEY LAUGH

This is serious stuff, now.

I really don't think that's fair. I want a stewards on that!

You have a stewards on that.

-We're right in the heart of Battle of Britain country here...

-Biggles!

-Absolutely.

-..Battle of Britain country -

-Spitfire fighter pilot's helmet...

-Well done!

-..original goggles, in box...

-Hats off to you...

-Shh!

-Sorry.

..and the Bakelite earphones.

Tell you what, that's sort of thing I'd buy

and I'd pay a couple of hundred quid for that. You're on a winner there.

But we also have the Aussie special bonus offer.

-JOHN:

-Yes, mate, this little package.

Because I used to have one of those as a child.

-You ever seen these before?

-Yeah, they're brilliant.

Yeah, it's wonderful and it's got views of Switzerland, Austria...

-Basically, it's watching postcards through a plastic box.

-That's what it is.

-Yeah.

But that's quite fun. It does it for me.

That's going to travel an awful long way

to go in somebody else's flip-top bin.

-Exactly, exactly!

-Anyway, look, summing up, guys.

It's going to be a hell of a competition.

-I think we've got two top tables here.

-I love the Biggles set.

-Yeah.

I really want the Biggles set.

"Never in the field of human conflict

"has so much been owed to so few."

Chocks away!

"Chocks away," indeed.

Will the teams let fly about each other's purchases?

I'm still quite confident because I think they've paid a lot of money

for certain objects that they MAY not get a return on.

Do you know what I'm really pleased about?

They bought those cook books and they are complete garbage!

THEY LAUGH

I don't like our books

but then we paid such little money for them.

We paid almost double for our croquet set.

Cream tea.

Yes, cream tea. Although, I think that might upset Gregg.

Yeah, that's not fair.

Only thing which could blow us away is that cream tea.

Well, if John's allowed to sell himself with a cream tea,

our croquet set comes with lunch with Gregg.

-Yeah.

-Let battle commence.

-Exactly!

Fighting talk, eh?

The battlefield is actually an auction room at Fernhurst -

a normally perfectly peaceful village in West Sussex,

near the borders of Surrey and Hampshire.

John Nicholson's Auctioneers hold general sales

as well as specialist fine art sales.

Sorry, brother.

-Look at these two!

-Are you ready for defeat?

Auctioneer John Nicholson himself

has cast a critical eye over both teams' purchases

and has some firm favourites.

The silver atomizer - gorgeous quality, lovely marks.

I can see that making a good profit.

Charles and Gregg's Schuco figure, that's of great interest to us

because one of the founders of Schuco

literally lives three miles down the road

and we've been on the phone, told him it's here.

So, fingers crossed, might be a little surprise there.

The entertaining system...

..got my doubts about that. I think it was a brave buy.

Charles and Gregg's Worcester plate - a good buy, a good find.

Fabulous quality, big profit.

Biggles comes to mind, the flying helmet.

It shouldn't make a profit, but it could make a good one.

Hmm...I think that's auctioneer-speak for,

"Anything could happen"!

And here's what MIGHT make it happen.

Both teams started with £400.

Gregg and Charles spent a mere £112 to acquire six lots...

..while John and Charlie have also bought six lots

but at a rather more extravagant £305.

First under the hammer is John and Charlie's perfume atomizer.

Charlie's detected a whiff of interest already.

There's a lady sitting behind Gregg who likes perfume.

20 bid...

five, 30 , five, 40, five...

Hey, Charles, Charles, look at this lady here!

..50, 60, 70...

Oh, come on!

-..at £70...

-Madam, it's a lovely one.

-..80...

-Marvellous!

-..90...

Yes!

..at 90.

-It's a steal, madam.

-At 90. Try one more.

At £90. Your bid, sir, selling at £90.

It's the heady smell of success for John and Charlie.

-Brilliant!

-Thank you very much.

-Means you can push up all our lots!

Gregg and Charles have high hopes for their little dog.

Start it at ten, 15...

Come on.

..20, five, 30, five, 40,

five, 50, 55. 60...

Keep going, keep going!

..at 70, 80, 90...

-Yes! Yes!

-..£100

One more, one more. Yay!

..£100... CROWD APPLAUD

Brilliant, got to say congratulations to you, well done.

-..£110...

-No.

-..at £110...

-Give in.

Well done...

It's far too early for the white flag of surrender, Charlie,

but that IS a very big profit on a very small dog.

Yet again, youth powers over intelligence.

Next up is the slide show entertainment system and stamps.

..Ten...

There's stamps as well, sir!

Oh, and the stamps, yes, I'm still ten bid! THEY LAUGH

15, 20.

I don't think even you could make your bid on this, Charlie!

Sit down.

£20, you bid the back, at £20.

CHARLIE SIGHS

Oh, dear, the bidders took a dim view of that.

Now it's the first of the two croquet sets.

Gregg and Charles have a surprise addition to their lot.

You've made a cream tea, we've also got one as well.

The auction house made one first, so I'm going to...

-No, no, hold on, I made my own this morning.

-Yeah.

You know what he's done, he's nicked my scones, hasn't he?

No, he hasn't. No, no, I know where our scones are.

And we thought that it was only fair to balance things up,

so we did the same.

Sir, the scones that we've got are fresh -

John made his over a week ago!

LAUGHTER

There we are.

20, 30, 40...

50, 60, 70...

80...90...

Very good. Very well done.

..100 bid.

At £110, there's the bid.

-The scones won't!

-And the scones, and the jam and cream, at £110.

Very good.

So, with the scones, cream and jam

generously added by the auction house,

Gregg and Charles's croquet set is a plum buy.

LAUGHTER 110.

Next is John and Charlie's croquet set,

complete with muffin tray this time,

and what should be the star attraction - scones baked by John.

Ladies and gentlemen, a fine example of a 1970s chef,

obviously gone past his sell-by date!

LAUGHTER

Baked this morning by me, in my kitchen, after a bike ride,

a dozen scones, and four extras filled with cream and jam.

And you get the dish.

You see, Charles, that's outdone you.

-He has, I know.

-Doesn't take much, though, does it?

..£50 bid, 60, 70...

-..at 70..

-Scones! Scones, man.

-..80, second row...

-Scones!

..90...

..100 bid.

At £100.

Try one more, madam. The scones are lovely.

-Yes.

-..110...

-Sell them.

-Yeah, well done.

-..at 110...

-One more scone.

-..at £110...

-One more scone.

..at the back of the room

No, well done. Well done.

-Well done.

-Thank you. Cheers, mate.

-At £110.

That leaves John and Charlie in a jam

and Gregg and Charles with a convincing lead.

-At £20 bid...

-Oh, shut up!

-..five I'll take.

At 20, there we are now...

Now it's Gregg and Charles's fruity Royal Worcester plate -

ripe for the picking.

Ten bid, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60...

-There's a lady just with her hand in the air.

-..70, 80...

-Wow!

-Second row, at £80.

At £90, at the back of the room...

-You're a genius!

-£100 bid...

-Yay!

-Very good.

APPLAUSE

..110, hang on, 110...

That's amazing. Seven pounds.

That's a good investment.

It's a tasty profit for Team Wallace and John's crushed.

I'm feeling a bit miserable right now.

Come on, chum.

Look, I know you Aussies are always expected to win

but you've gotta take it on the nose occasionally.

John and Charlie's Edwardian nine-carat gold stick pin

with mother of pearl cabochon is next.

Gold, sir.

Nine carat at that, sir.

£20?

£20. Five I'll take...

-It's gold!

-At £20. Five...

-That's for nothing.

-..at £25...

-That's almost for free!

It's gold!

"It's gold," he says.

30, five...

40...

45...

Better.

..at £45.

Your bid, sir, at £45.

Oh, it's a profit.

It's another respectable profit for Team Torode

but they'll need at least one REMARKABLE profit

to catch Team Wallace.

You're just loving this.

Now it's the second piece of Royal Worcester - the fruity vase.

20, 30, 40, 50, 60.

At £60, the second row.

Very good.

Lovely little piece of Worcester.

70, 80.

At £80 - you nearly got it! At £80, the lady's bid, second row.

Selling, selling at £80.

Gregg and Charles pocket yet another big profit

without so much as baking a scone!

Or is it a sco-ne?

Loving your work, Gregg, loving your work.

The fighter pilot's helmet and accessories are next.

Will this lot let John and Charlie's fortunes take off?

20 bid.

30 I'll take...

30, 40...

50...

£50 bid.

Your bid, sir, for a bit of history.

At 60...

Your bid, sir. 65...

Go on, sir, have another. That's it!

-70...

-One more.

-Very good.

At £70.

Had their time, then.

Your bid, sir, selling at £70.

It's a profit again for John and Charlie, but too modest to help.

Any hopes of winning rests on their final lot.

Gregg and Charles's penultimate lot are the old cookbooks,

dismissed by John and Charlie

but which Gregg has promised to sign for the successful bidder.

Ten bid, 20, 30, 40...

-Oh, ridiculous!

-..50...

-You are joking!

-..at £50.

-..60.

-No!

-..at £60...

..at 60.

He can't write!

-He's a genius, the boy, he's a genius.

-He is.

..at £60.

In the second row.

He knows what to buy.

At £60. 70, anybody?

And selling at £60.

Well done, skipper.

Maybe it was Gregg's autograph that clinched the sale,

but John's unimpressed.

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

361...

Gregg and Charles's final lot is the 1820 silver meat skewer.

20, 30, 40, 50, 60.

At £60. Should be a lot more. 70.

At 70...

Selling at £70.

It's not a big winner like the Royal Worcester,

but it's still a good profit.

John and Charlie's fate rests on their final lot

and poshest purchase - the rare silver pickle fork.

If the right bidder's in the room, their fortunes could be transformed.

And I'm bid £50.

60 I'll take.

At £50.

No.

At £50, 60 I'm looking for.

-At 50...60...

-It's a rare thing, it's 120 quid.

At £60. 70, I'm looking for.

At £60, the gavel's up and I'm selling at £60.

It's rare and it's practical,

but the pickle eaters of West Sussex don't rate it.

And with that...

-That's it, thank you.

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you.

Have we made some money?

-Yep!

-Sorry about the pickle fork!

-Never mind!

-Thank you.

It leaves John and Charlie

lagging way behind a victorious Gregg and Charles.

Our celebrities began with £400 each...

John and Charlie made some modest gains and two losses,

leaving them with an overall profit of £18.90.

As feared, they've ended in a pickle with £418.90.

Gregg and Charles made profits ranging from good to gigantic,

with a total profit of no less than £330.80

and they end the road trip with £730.80.

All the funds generated by our celebrity teams

go to Children in Need.

-So, guys?

-Very good day.

-That's it.

Our job is done.

Mr Wallace, impressive, well done. Congratulations.

Thank you very much.

-So, we're saying goodbye to you guys?

-That's it, guys.

-Gregg, it's you and I away.

-We're cooked. We're cooked!

-Great to meet you both.

-Yeah, you too, boys.

-It's been fun.

-Thanks, brother.

Your knowledge and my eye.

-We should be together.

-Honestly!

I tell you what, we are the new Torode and Wallace of antiques.

I like it, I like it!

You see how quickly I'm shoved to one side?!

You'll be all right with me, mate.

Don't worry, John, Gregg may be fickle

but there's a part of him that'll never change...

Do you know what auctioneers need to know?

What do they need to know?

-Lots!

-Oh, no! Oh, no!

..and the same goes for Charles.

Do you know why a Frenchman only has one egg for breakfast?

-No.

-Because one egg's an ouef.