Episode 14 Celebrity Antiques Road Trip

-Some of the nation's favourite celebrities.

-That's the pig for you.

-This is the pig for me.

-One antiques expert each.

-Celebrities!

-Shake his hand. He's got the money!

And one big challenge - who can seek out and buy the best antiques at the very best prices...

-I love it.

-Right.

-I would buy it myself.

..and auction for a big profit further down the road?

Well done, well done.

Who will spot the good investments, who will listen to advice?

-It goes with your eyes.

-Does it?

And who will be the first to say, "Don't you know who I am?"

Time to put your pedal to the metal.

This is Celebrity Antiques Road Trip.

Yeah!

ENGINE REVS

Welcome to the wonderful Isle of Wight, three miles south of mainland Britain,

population 150,000 people,

and now the arena for two celebrities with £400 each

to speculate on the best available antiques.

# You can go your own way... #

From stage and screen, we have a pair of firm pals.

I am quietly confident that I am going to beat you.

Do you know what? I would prefer it if you won.

Born right here on the isle,

she's graced our screens in comedies and tragedies for many, many years.

She is the First Lady of Drama.

-She is Sheila Hancock.

-A lady's prerogative.

And she's brought her best friend along.

Hailing from the land of the Danes before she footlighted into the world of comedy...

LAUGHTER

-Tonight, we have a section marked "big books".

-TV presenter, novelist,

conversationalist and bon viveur, she's also found time for competitive shopping.

She's Sandi Toksvig.

Why, it's tantamount to cheating!

-See that coffee house that's called Vectis?

-Yeah.

-That's the original name of the Isle of Wight.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

-How did it become Wight?

It's one of those things that's very slightly lost in the mists of time and my fault entirely,

but the Danes invaded many times.

That was quite a long way round from Denmark to come down here?

I know. Whenever I come to the Isle of Wight, I feel I should apologise.

-You can apologise to me because I was born here.

-I'm terribly sorry.

Now, whilst our celebrities can enjoy their suave, 1972 Triumph TR6,

they simply cannot go antique shopping all by themselves.

Now let's run through the qualities you are looking for in your antiques expert.

-In my antiques expert?

-Fantastically dashing.

-Beautiful.

-Staggeringly good-looking.

-Very elegant.

-With a sense of style.

-Oh, dear.

Sheila and Sandi really deserve the finest expertise in the land,

but it was rather short notice.

-I said I never wanted to work with you ever again.

-Why?

-You're horrid to me.

-I love you immensely.

-That's beginning to worry me.

I've seen them both on the telly, but I can't remember which one is the best.

Take your foot off the brake, you silly fool!

Once one of the youngest qualified valuers in the land, he began his esteemed career back in 19...

Well, it was a long time ago.

He's an antiques valuer, he's a serious negotiator,

he's the man in the pink, he's David Barby.

And I know what you're thinking.

Who's the dashing, stylish man about town?

He's moved seamlessly from cattle trading to auctioneering.

He has a fine mind, he has a keen eye. He has very forgiving trousers.

He's Philip Serrell.

What I find extraordinary with somebody such as the status of Sheila Hancock

-who actually appeared with Bette Davis in a film called The Anniversary...

-Really?

-Did you not know that?

-No. It's more your era.

And I like Sandi because of her radio shows.

Do you not call it the wireless?

David and Philip have brought along their cute 1960 Morris Minor

to help impress a pair of pretty special ladies.

-Sandi or Sheila?

-I think Sheila likes fast sports cars and so do you.

I'm like a coiled spring at the minute. I'm having a job just to belt myself in.

Here they are.

Gentlemen!

-How are you?

-All right.

-A little warm.

-What took you so long?

-Mostly first gear.

-Sandi.

-Hello, Sandi.

- Hello, Sheila. - Hello.

I recognise you from so many things.

- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.

-Have you decided who you want to...?

-No, we'll let you decide.

-Sheila?

I can't. I really can't. Shall we toss?

Do you know? There are so many answers to that.

-I tell you what. You shout, you get the choice.

-All right.

-Heads.

-You've got the choice.

-I will choose this gentleman on my right.

-Oh!

-Good luck.

-See you there.

-May the best person win. Is that the right thing to say?

-I just hope we do.

See you later.

Our celebrities have £400 each and it's time to get rummaging.

The Isle of Wight provides a fertile antiques hunting ground, hopefully,

before heading to auction in Tunbridge Wells.

Today's frolics get going in sunny Newport.

-I want to know what you're looking for.

-Honestly, I don't know.

-Where are your interests?

-Well, I have very Scandinavian tastes, I would say.

-So I don't like anything that's too ornate.

-Too fussy.

We'll let them do all the running around and we'll just take this in a very chilled, quiet, sedate manner.

-Yeah, but we've got to win.

-Let's get on with it then.

I've got to beat Sandi!

-I don't like weapons.

-I don't either. Killing things.

-I hate that sort of thing.

-Let's not have that.

She was doing all this thing about, "I'm not competitive. I don't like competition.

"I like everybody to be equal," and all that. You wait, you wait!

Competitive Sheila has found the first shop of the day.

Welcome to Newport's very own Minstrels On The Hill

with charming proprietor Jo in attendance.

But will celebrity or expert be making the decisions here?

What about period clothes?

Oh, this is a Mary Quant hat.

-That's cool, isn't it?

-Mary Quant, '60s.

-Now, that is interesting.

-It is, isn't it? How much is that?

That is... How much is this?

Mary Quant, £45.

-What do you think?

-The fact that it's got the Mary Quant label in it...

-You haven't said how I look.

Arguably one of the big three designers of the 1960s fashion,

alongside Christian Dior and Chanel,

Mary Quant is pretty famous for giving us both mini-skirts and hot-pants.

Thank you, Mary.

However, this slightly more innocent straw hat dates from around the 1970s.

I love it. I would buy it myself.

Let's have a definite "yes" on that,

but let's go and have a look round and we'll think about whether...

You've got loads of clothes in here.

While Philip gets hot under the collar, David has gone a bit red in the face.

Darling, you do look a bit burnt. I hope this isn't going to hurt.

-Did that hurt you?

-Oh... It's better now.

-Oh, darling!

-Thank you.

That's lovely. You've got such a gentle touch, actually.

When Sandi's wiped David's head, she can drag him round the Cowshed...

..a vast antiques ranch on the edge of town.

All right. Now, here's some odds and sods.

This is Cowshed 1. You've got Cowshed 2 to go into yet.

And there's another shop next door, but I'll let you find that yourself.

-See, now, I like that. That toy.

-I do as well.

-I think it's rather beautiful.

-I think that's quite good. Let's have a look.

It's £85. "A vintage crane." I think it's quite nice.

I'm not certain whether in fact it is a "toy" toy.

Could I just remove my finger before you turn it?

Have you got it? Are you all right there, darling?

-Oh, wait a minute. There's a ratchet on it.

-Oh!

Oh, it's splendid.

Right, I think this is a winner.

That is the sort of thing somebody would have as a talking point in their minimalist flat.

-That's quite good.

-Do you like that?

-I do.

-Yeah, I do too.

-We concur. I think that's quite good. I like it.

-That's excellent.

-Right.

-Time to bring Richard into this conversation.

-What's the very best you can do on that?

-It's on at...?

-85.

-85.

The best on that one, I think we're looking at about £60 on that.

-That much?

-Oh, yes.

-Could you just sort of nudge it? We'd like to pay around 45 for it.

It's been here for a little while, so I think we could probably agree on that and do it for 45.

-Brilliant.

-What do you think?

-I say it's sold.

-Richard, would you shake Sandi's hand?

-Certainly.

Shake his hand. He's got the money!

Oh, yes!

Lovely.

Did we agree on 40?

It was, wasn't it?

For you, we'll do it for 40.

Sorry, Richard. David never knows when to stop. Naughty boy!

That's lovely. Thank you.

-Is this an antique or is this modern?

-It is modern.

-It is modern.

-But, but, but, but, but!

-"But"?

-Why should it put us off? I think we should buy this and the Mary Quant hat.

-Is that all I'm allowed?

-Yeah.

-What about this furry coat?

-People don't like that.

-No?

-No, no, no.

-It's not bad if you wore black trousers.

-I'll let you buy that, but you've got to model it.

-At the auction.

-Oh, really?

It might get a bit hot! Well, so far, Sheila has led Philip to a '70s hat,

a brand-new bag and a faux fur coat. Great(!)

For some genuine antique shopping, we need to stick with keen-eyed Sandi and tough-talking Barby.

-Oh!

-SANDI LAUGHS

-LOUD METALLIC BANGING

-It's just on the edge of irritating.

Just close to irritating.

Oh, that's nice.

-Oh, I like that.

-That is nice.

-That's the sort of distressed look people long for, don't they?

-Yeah.

And the other thing I liked as I came through...

BANGING RESUMES Oh!

SANDI LAUGHS

Don't move.

-BANGING STOPS

-Don't move. Talk, but don't move.

I want to go and ask the price of the chest.

-OK, you move first.

-Yes.

-But gently.

Quietly.

-BANGING STARTS

-Oh, for goodness sake!

Clearly, this chap is some kind of hard-haggling, early warning system,

protecting a rather attractive, mid-19th century pine chest.

Perhaps Richard can tell our suspicious shoppers where the bottom line is.

Where's the bottom line then?

-What are we on?

-215.

Hmm...

Do you want the very best price or "you want to haggle with me for a while" price?

-No, let's just cut to the chase.

-No, I'd rather be quite honest.

-A hundred...

-A hundred pounds sounds good.

-A hundred and fifty.

-A hundred pounds sounds good.

-£100 and I won't eat tonight.

-Accommodate us.

I think 150 is too much for an auction.

Um...

I can't really do... 140 would be, you know... And I'm losing money on that.

Shall I discuss it with my business partner?

It's the sort of thing I would like to buy, but at auction I wouldn't pay more than £200 for it.

That's a £60 profit, of which you've got to pay...?

-Of that you've got to pay...

-20%.

-40. £40.

-Right.

-So...

-So that leaves you with a £20 profit.

No, we're walking. Come. Come with me, David. Come with me.

Wow! I never thought I'd see David walk away from a tricky negotiation.

Or is it all part of today's game plan?

Have you had it long?

No, it's just a personal sort of thing that we decide to sell.

Can we have a deal here?

-Right.

-You can buy three lots of clothing that will be one lot in the auction.

-OK.

-Can I buy the chess set?

-On my ticket?

-Our ticket.

-Yes, I'm relying on you. Are all the bits there?

-I think there's some damage there.

Damage? Philip!

Amazingly, Thomas Jaques began his games company way back in 1795

and it's still run by the Jaques family today.

These familiar-shaped playing pieces originate from the Staunton set, first produced in 1849.

I always like the knights, me. Time for some strategic play, I feel.

All right, you can have that then.

What's the best you can do that for?

The best on that is going to be, um...

38.

-35?

-At an absolute push.

-OK.

-But we're going to buy some other things as well.

-OK.

-Hat, bag and this.

-Spot-on.

Right, that's on for 35.

Would you take that down to 30 because it's really bad repair?

-We can do that for 30 for you.

-All right then.

-How much is this then?

-We've got 45 on the hat.

The absolute, total best I could do on that would be...34.

-That's 64 we've got to, is it?

-Yeah.

Can we get a free bag?

-You can have a free bag, with pleasure.

-All right.

-That's £64 and a free bag.

-Lovely.

-I think that's top dollar.

-Shall I pay the lady?

-Yes, please.

Good work. £35 for the chess set and £64 for the fashionable threesome.

Haven't Sheila and Philip done terribly well?

-Top job. I'm delighted.

-I hope you're right about that.

-I'll either be right or be wrong!

Sandi and David will now need to watch their ba... Oh, hang on.

One, two...

..three...

..four...

-..five.

-Wonderful.

-Looks like someone persevered.

-To get that pine chest for just £100 - what a rogue!

-Have a good day.

-Thank you very much.

-Don't forget the suntan lotion.

-No!

Now let's leave town before there's any more ungentlemanly behaviour.

Oh, it is a ford!

Ah! We daren't go across there, surely.

-Right.

-Are you going to have a paddle?

-I've read too many things about satnav!

-Is it cold?

-I hope there's no crocodiles.

-Don't be ridiculous, Sheila!

-Oh!

-Are you all right?

-Although perhaps you'd be less ridiculous if you get back in the car, love.

-I'll have wet feet.

-Webbed feet!

Whilst brave Philip recalculates the route,

the Road Trip is already moving on.

I thought it was right.

-No, I said "right" meaning, "Let's go."

-Oh!

Slipping southwards a full nine miles, our celebrity teams bid Newport farewell

to find more treasures in the pretty village of Chale.

Oh, hello.

Are you friendly? You look friendly.

-Hello, yes.

-Ahh! Isn't Buckley cute?

-Um, we have got work to do, Sandi.

-Oh, sorry.

-So sorry.

-Did you offer to kiss me like that? No. Just the dog.

-You never patted me like that.

-True.

He wanted a lick. Sandi and David have found another sprawling antiques ranch

with several sheds, two chickens, one dog, one horse and man called Mike.

-Oh, my goodness me!

-Wow.

-It's almost bordering on conceptual art. I think it's you.

-Very good condition.

-#

-Close in your arms

-#

-When they enfold me Sweet are the charms...

-#

-What's the mirror?

-Well spotted. It's an original.

-Yeah.

Well, it is quite...something.

Yes. It's too much at that.

-What's the very best you can do on this, please?

-At a squeeze...

It's a good piece. 100.

I've got to feed the horses.

-Chickens. Don't forget the chickens.

-And the dog.

-And the dog.

-You couldn't come less than 80?

-Are you making a firm offer?

-Yes.

-Of?

-80.

-I'm not going to argue.

£80 ain't bad for a fine piece of repousse Arts and Crafts copper.

This is quite likely from the Newlyn School,

emanating and dating from late 19th century Newlyn in Cornwall.

That's very different from anything else we've got. It's not my taste, but I think it'll do very well.

-I concur with your taste, which I've always considered excellent.

-I chose you, didn't I?

Good heavens! Someone please rescue us from this awful loveliness.

Hello, Mr Dog.

-Hello, Dog. Go on in, my dear.

-Right.

Hello.

-Bloody hell. Have you found anything?

-No. Nothing for us.

Oh, you...you are such a bad actress, Sandi!

You have obviously bought something in here! Obviously! LAUGHTER

Who knew?

Go and listen to what they're saying!

-That man's following me, David.

-Everywhere we go!

-Fat man?

-No, THAT man.

-Thank you.

-I just wanted to clarify how personal it was getting.

-No, no. ..That fat man was following me!

They're definitely buying something in there. I can't believe that they've actually found something.

Pants. Utter pants.

Bye, Barbs!

Unable to find their next investment, Philip has opted instead to give Sheila a little treat.

So long, Chale, and hello, the open road!

This time switching north by north-east, a full 16 miles up the road to Ryde.

Nice!

When you get a script come through with 100 pages or 500 pages, do you ever find it just daunting?

You have to sit down for hours and hours and hours and learn the lines.

The scary thing is that when you stand in the wings,

-the only tool that you have are words.

-Yes.

And you go on that stage hoping to God they'll come out of your head in the right order

and often they don't. You make mistakes.

In the 19th century, the villages of Upper and Lower Ryde were joined

to form this fabulous seaside town. Today, Sheila and Philip have a ticket to Ryde

via the rest of the world.

I used to teach geography - not very well. I saved a whole generation of children by getting out.

-But...

-Is this it?

-Yeah. Maps and globes have always fascinated me.

Relocated here in 1991, Greaves and Thomas have been reviving the art of globe making,

now the only company of its kind in Britain and the only one in the world to recreate historical globes.

G&T - ha! - sell their marvellous spheres all over the world to hotels, museums and universities,

even to the Library of Congress in Washington, DC.

Hi!

Owner James Bissell-Thomas has kindly offered to give Sheila and Philip the full tour.

A sort of global view.

-When did they start making globes? When was the earliest?

-They say the Greeks were first,

-but they were celestial.

-Celestial being...?

-The heavens.

And you've got the Farnese statue dug out of Pompeii, which means it was pre-AD79.

That shows Atlas holding a great celestial globe.

-When was the earliest one made, then?

-The earliest surviving terrestrial globe was made

by Martin Behaim in 1491-92. We've made a copy of that, which we have here. Do have a look.

-Right.

-This is a beautiful globe, as you'll see. It's festooned with inscriptions.

-What sort of thing are they saying?

-They're from other notable travellers, like Marco Polo,

Isidore de Seville, all talking about the world and where you can find gold, spices, precious metals.

And it's all on this globe. The only thing that's missing is America. It hadn't been discovered.

So you go straight from Europe and straight round to Japan.

Already a renowned traveller and cartographer,

Martin Behaim collaborated with painter Georg Albrecht Glockenthon from around 1491

to create what Martin called the Erdapfel or Earth Apple,

possibly the earliest terrestrial globe.

-This is staggering, isn't it? What a piece of work is man that we did this so early on.

-Yes.

-How much would the original be worth?

-It's the Holy Grail or mother of all terrestrial globes.

Presently, it's in the rightful place, which is the Germanic Museum in Germany.

Despite the fact that it was badly damaged by restorers in 1847,

I say it's got to be worth... Gosh. The record for a globe is £1 million.

I say this one would be worth at least 10 million.

It's so important. Such a historic item.

Wow! So the original would really have cost the Earth!

Greaves and Thomas, however, sold a pair of their facsimile globes at Christie's in 1999

for a fairly impressive 28 grand.

So how much did they know about the world? Had America appeared yet?

-Yes. We've got cannibals there as well.

-Cannibals? Oh, dear!

If you look here, some poor soul is being beheaded and then they chop him up and he's being cooked.

The 1492 discovery of America caused a revolution in globe-making

as well as filling a large cartographical hole between Europe and Japan.

The original of this 1688 terrestrial globe was designed by Vincenzo Coronelli,

a Venetian friar and doctor of theology, with all the fears and propaganda of European conquerors.

-So here's the cannibal zone.

-Who put that cannibal in there?

Coronelli was the globe maker and engraver, so it would have been him

and he would have put it there on authority of literature he had read

-which had told him you'd probably get eaten.

-It just shows you how rumours start, doesn't it?

James has created something truly amazing - not just a thriving business, but a celebration

of both the Earth and the heavens.

Even the ceiling of his tea room is something to behold

as the galaxy turns above some very fortunate heads.

-Look at it.

-While you're looking above, the best view is through the mirror-topped table.

Here, the planets defy gravity.

-Did you come up with this idea?

-Well, yes, I did, Sheila.

-You're very special, aren't you?

-He's clever. You just headbutted Saturn.

-Thank you so much.

It's been an absolute delight. You're so creative and clever. It's wonderful.

I love these kind of slightly, dare I say it, eccentric visions!

If only there were more time for star-gazing.

It's been an inspiring terrestrial and celestial encounter,

but the business of the day is not yet done, so Sandi and David are carrying the shopping torch.

-Imagine people moving down to the Isle of Wight where Victoria took resident.

-Did she come every summer?

-Wasn't she incarcerated most of her...

-Oh, her widowhood.

-Yeah.

-Or was that in...?

-She went to Balmoral.

-Where she had John Brown as her lover.

-Well, friend. Let's say friend.

-Lover!

-She was a goer.

-Oh, please!

Eight miles south from Ryde's worlds of wonder

lies the pretty coastal village of Shanklin.

Before the Victorian era, Shanklin was a small fishing village

with occasional smugglers,

but the 19th century created a small town, popular with poets and honeymooners.

-What are you reading at the minute?

-Lord. Crimson Petal and the White.

-Is it good?

-Bloody marvellous!

It's the best book about Victorian prostitution that I've ever read.

Oh! Lots of little goodies.

-Hiya. I'm Sandi.

-Nice to meet you. John.

-Hello, John.

People are interested in pipes.

-That one's seen a bit of service.

-I've never seen a set like this.

In fact, the set is most likely bespoke, made in 1901 by Salmon and Gluckstein.

It's part-amber, part-silver and, well, rather interesting. Perhaps.

-You've got this at 125.

-Mm-hm.

-My reaction to it initially is I think it's immensely interesting,

-but smoking is not exactly de rigueur.

-No.

-My very bottom - £70.

-That's his considering look. I've got used to it.

-Oh, right. OK.

-You can almost see the little cogs whirring.

-Yes.

70.

-Is that the very best price you can do on that?

-What would you like to pay for it?

-50.

-50?

-Absolutely?

-Hmm.

-And a couple of photographs.

-Deal?

-Of what?

-Well, probably not of David!

But as the Toksvig team leaves triumphant, Team Hancock has the very same shop in their sights.

-We've got to be really hard-nosed.

-I know.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hi, there.

-Now I don't remember receiving one of these,

but this is for the children of the nation after the war.

It's from George, the King, "Today as we celebrate victory, I send this personal message to you

"and all the other boys and girls for you have shared in the hardships of a total war

"and you have shared no less in the triumph." It's lovely.

-What on earth is that?!

-They're inkwells.

-It's a peculiar item,

with blown glass and decorative accessories of, well, questionable function.

But what purpose it serves, I've got no idea.

I like things where I haven't the first idea what they are.

It's London. And it's William Halford of London.

-I think what we should try and do is put a bit of a parcel together.

-OK.

-And I'd like us to include that.

-Really?

-Yeah, I do.

-You're mad! That's not going to get anything.

-I've always been mad.

-Who knows?

-No, but nobody will know what it is.

-That's part of the fun, isn't it?

-Who is that lady?

-That's Victoria.

Oh, her. Like a flash, Sheila's amassed a commemorative bundle to sell in 2012,

of all years.

We have a Pavilion Hotel cigar case and Edward VII ashtray, a George VI VE Day letter

and an advertisement for Coronation champagne.

Enough to make patriotic hearts all aflutter.

What's the price on those?

-I've got 75 on the pair, but... I'm sure we can negotiate.

-You think I'm off on one here.

-I do. I seriously do.

-Do you like those?

-Yes. I think they're pretty.

-If we gave you 70 quid for those and those, how would that stack up?

-70 quid.

-And he'll bung that in for a tenner.

-But what IS it?

-That's just detail, detail.

-That's a minor detail!

-I think we should take it, just to see if anybody...

-80 quid the lot.

That should be sold separately as an enigma, a mysterious thing that may be worth a great deal.

Looks like Sheila's getting a taste for antiques investment.

30, 40,

50, 60, 70, 80.

These rings are lovely.

-That's £10.

-Just tell us we have to leave now.

Time to go, folks!

-Come back another day, Sheila.

-I will, I will.

No! Bye-bye! We're going back now.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no...

What a mammoth shopping day it's been. Time for our weary rummagers to rest their heads.

The shops are shutting and a soft pillow is not far from everyone's mind.

Bonne nuit, mes amis!

Up and quite literally at 'em, a new day is here and there's work to be done.

-Come on now, you can tell me. I won't tell them.

-You're going to scoff! I know you'll scoff.

-Scoffing is a fine thing to do.

-They all seem a good idea at the time.

-Let's go and have a look in.

-There.

So far, Sheila Hancock and her hard taskmaster have spent £179

on five auction lots.

The chess set, the Mary Quant hat with the faux fur coat,

the strange inkwell thing,

the white metal goblets and a big commemorative bundle.

They have a glorious £221 to throw at the day.

-60, 70, 80.

-Now look at this lovely thing...

I think if I ignore her, it'll work out that way.

Meanwhile, Sandi Toksvig and her glamorous assistant

have spent a proud £270 on four auction lots.

The 1940s model crane - I want one!

The bargain 19th-century pine chest. Nice!

The repousse copper mirror. Lovely!

And the Boer War pipe set. Mmm.

Day Two stripped Sandi and David's fighting fund to just £130.

-I'm very pleased. Now I have to take my clothes off and get my photograph taken.

-You've done it before.

-It is quite difficult. We couldn't have done it without the experts.

-No, we'd have been rubbish.

It should've been me and you against the experts to see how much is luck!

-Sandi and I, we discussed our likes and dislikes.

-"Sandi and I"?

-I feel as though Sandi and I are soulmates.

-I tell you something - Sheila is a remarkable woman.

She's had a remarkable career.

Gods of the Road Trip be praised. We're moving on at last.

The town of Shanklin fades into distant memory as our celebrities and experts head east

by a couple of miles, all the way to Sandown.

But who will be the first to see the sea?

Isn't that a wonderful scene with all the boats there? And the bay! That's lovely.

Do you think sometimes you could be accused of not showing enough enthusiasm(?) Come out a bit more.

-I think so.

-Just be a bit more... ebullient.

-I love that word.

Another great word is late. Don't keep those girls waiting.

-See over there? That pier?

-Yeah.

-I did a summer season there...

-Did you?

-..with Cyril Fletcher.

-Cyril Fletcher!

-I was soubrette.

-Soubrette. There is a job you don't see in the Job Centre anymore.

-No!

-Soubrette.

-The opening number went...

# Masquerade is here tonight And in the morning... # I never knew what happened then.

I had so much to learn in the show, I didn't learn the opening chorus because everybody sang it.

So I could just... MIMES

-Sandown.

-Yes! A brilliant, exciting place!

-You're doing it now.

-Yes.

Yeah, OK.

-It must have been fun. You're by the sea.

-No, it was lovely. I was very young. It was the '50s.

-Late '50s, early '60s.

-Just when I was born.

Yes, well, we won't talk about that.

You know, Sandi, sometimes words can hurt.

Let's chat more shop, please.

Hello, girls! I hope you're not colluding.

- Well, no... - Oh!

I was going to suggest if we let Sheila and - Philip, isn't it? - go off and have a cup of coffee,

-then we'll go inside.

-We'll do light dusting, then you can come in. I'd hate it to be grubby.

-Right, feel lucky? Feel the vibe?

-Yes, I do.

Actually, I think whatsisname, Philip, has spotted an interesting item already.

-What's the ticket price on that?

-Er, I could do it for 125.

-That's the ticket price?

-It's only just come in.

-OK, lovely job. Thank you.

-Hang on to that.

-Is it pastel?

-It's watercolour.

-A watercolour.

Who's the artist? Robert Scott Temple.

Robert Scott Temple is a lesser-known landscape painter who exhibited in 1889,

a century before this scene would be made quite famous on British television.

-Sandi?

-Yes, my darling boy. Perfect for me!

-Two children's chairs.

They're very sweet. That's the sort of thing a doting grandparent in Tunbridge Wells would get.

-They look rather sturdy.

-They look very much like Ercol.

Ercol have been fine, modern, terribly British furniture makers since the 1920s,

but Sheila's still holding that painting. Must have caught her eye.

-It's also interesting because the castle was on...

-Monarch of the Glen. I'm less interested in that

unless we sold it to Richard Briers or Susan Hampshire.

It's awfully difficult. I like it and now we have to work out if anybody else in the world would.

Especially the people who live in Tunbridge Wells.

-Is it Grumpy of Tunbridge Wells?

-I don't know! But you can cheer up.

-I would think this at auction will be £60-£90. That would be my shot for it.

-Yeah, I'd agree with that.

-So we have to buy it for somewhere in the 40-50 quid mark.

-Mmm.

I'd prefer the upper of that.

-We'll hang on to it for a second.

-Make sure they can't...

-We'll keep it like this.

Never a man to procrastinate, Philip Serrell is mulling it over.

Was Monarch of the Glen a big enough hit in Tunbridge Wells?

-What I really like about this is the television connection.

-Richard Briers is one of my best friends.

-And Susan Hampshire. I'll phone up and tell them to be at the auction!

-Oh, darling! Would you?

Shame Sandi and David don't know anyone working in children's furniture!

-Em, we did notice the little chairs down here.

-Which we liked.

-Lovely.

-I'll do them for £70 for the pair.

-Not going to get much at auction.

-Right. Not going to make our money back.

-We have to find someone who has twins.

-No, anybody with grandchildren or children who visit.

-Oh, Sandi! This is part of the Barby technique.

Accentuate the negatives and get the rock bottom price.

I'll do them at 30 quid the pair.

-You must be able to...

-Surely. They're lovely and well-made.

-I sit on the auction rostrum.

-Right.

-And furniture at the moment is zilch.

-Could you do them at £12 each? £24.

-I'll do them at £25.

-Well, this is your choice.

-Blame me? Is that what's happening?

-Yes.

-Please give the man some money.

-Could you shake hands, please?

-Yes.

Can I just say, there's the £30 for the painting and a £20 tip? You've been so generous.

Well, it looks like that's both teams paid up and another shop ravaged. I mean, visited.

I never thought I would stay in the UK as long as I have. I came to go to school at 14

-and I'm still here.

-And what was the appeal? Is it the British people?

I love that I don't care where you live in the UK, you are a stone's throw from something fascinating.

Of course, it's the Great British Road Trip that keeps Sandi within our shores.

And so David's taking her on a little historical journey

all the way back to lovely Ryde.

-I like that. Look.

-Oh, isn't that fabulous?

-Isn't it wonderful?

-Where am I?

-You're not. It's a painting.

Sandi and David are about to enter the world of a true pioneer -

a museum dedicated to the 20th century's most prolific cheeky postcard creator.

But what kind of man would open such a saucy museum?

-Hello, there. This is my friend David. We've come to have our fancy tickled. Is this the place?

-It is.

-James is waiting for you.

-Fantastic.

James? I think we've heard that name before.

-James. Hi, I'm Sandi. This is David.

-Hello. Very pleased to meet you.

-Welcome to the Donald McGill Museum.

-Wow! Look at all those.

Ah. So when he's not busy globe-making,

James curates this fine collection from the life of artist Donald McGill.

Donald began his career by accident in 1904 when a humorous cartoon sent to an injured relative

was forwarded to a publishing house.

Picture postcards rose in popularity after the Royal Mail granted their licence in 1894.

However, attractive seaside views became second place to Donald's great artistry and racy humour.

This brings back so many memories of holidays in Blackpool with my parents.

-We'd spend hours in front of these revolving stands, looking at cards.

-Did you understand them?

-No!

-It seems to me, James, that the saucy postcard is uniquely British.

-Yes.

-Is it uniquely Donald McGill?

-Who is the person we all think of?

-People see Donald McGill as being the king of the saucy postcard.

He was crowned that in his own lifetime. There were other comic cards, but nobody in his league.

He went to art school, he was a draughtsman. He had perspective, engineering skills.

For all of those reasons, he was particularly good.

As a source of entertainment, Donald McGill's often highly sexy postcards

were possibly a continuation of Victorian music hall sauciness

and a definite forerunner to the world-famous Carry On films.

-But being saucy was not without its risks.

-Did he come up with jokes?

I think he does. When you see his trial in 1954 and his defence for that trial

against the 21 cards, he's actually saying, "I found this joke in Vanity Fair or in Picture Post."

-It's extraordinary he was taken to court.

-Absolutely. It was a witch-hunt by a coven of vicars.

-And they didn't win.

-Well, Donald had a senior moment.

They turned it round and they got him to say, "Are you guilty?" And he said, "Yes."

Poor Donald was worn down by a vitriolic moral crusade.

Having gained huge popularity in the '20s and '30s,

Donald became almost part of the establishment.

But his style fell out of favour with some authoritative figures

in the more conservative 1950s.

Postcard shops were raided. On the Isle of Wight, Donald was prosecuted under the Obscene Publications Act,

heavily fined and left with a beleaguered business and artistic reputation.

-Did he recover from it?

-Because of the cards which were banned and the loss of production and the cost,

it's been suggested that today the equivalent was £100,000 of lost revenue,

-which is a lot for a small business.

-I feel a really strong link with it

because I work often on the radio and TV and, of course, you can't say naughty things,

but we do it all the time, but hopefully in a subtle way.

Innuendo is alive and kicking. It's a great British tradition and long may it continue.

Indeed. And when Kames isn't juggling his large globes, no pun intended,

he's put his other life's work into this fantastic museum,

celebrating a great British man with a British sense of humour.

-Do we look very saucy?

-You pucker your lips well, David!

It's slightly worrying how good he is at that.

And on that saucy finale, it's time for, "You show me yours and I'll show you mine."

Antiques, that is.

Where's the rest of your things?

-Small, as you will know, is beautiful.

-That's so true.

-You've got big things for a tiny person.

-Oh, I think they've done well.

-Absolutely love this.

-What is it?

-It's a toy crane,

but we think it was probably made by a loving parent.

How do you know that? It could have been done yesterday.

-- It's called imagination and feel. - That...

-It's not a modern design.

That doesn't matter! You're making out it's some sad, war-torn child.

OK, Sheila. We're all friends here. It might have some age to it. Moving on...

-This is an umbrella stand.

-They repro those really well.

-It's a beautiful Victorian... It has the marking on the back.

-A registration mark and number.

Yes, yes, yes. All very good, but it appears Sandi, with her accomplice, has shopped on the sly.

Fortunately, they've done rather well with a delightful, late-19th century iron stick stand for £90.

What's so interesting about the design is it's Anglo-Japanese.

If you look carefully, there's a panel there which shows birds. Very much in the naturalistic style.

-This is the aesthetic movement with the Japanese influence.

-It's a Barby lecture!

-Oh, that's beautiful.

-Isn't it lovely?

-Beautiful.

It's November, 1901. It was made specially by Salmon and Gluckstein.

They were the largest tobacco retailers in the world in 1901.

Montague Gluckstein thought it would be a good idea to go into catering.

Nobody in the family thought it was a good idea. So he found a distant relative called Joseph Lyons.

Lyons came from that.

What a wonderful story and well researched. Let's hope it can influence the auction.

What is...? Oh, there's that thing!

-We didn't know what it was.

-I have to say I did oppose getting it. It was my partner.

But having done that, I looked up on the internet and this is obviously a lovely ironmonger.

And I think he invented a way of using glass and making it heavy and like a weight.

More interestingly, he also found a way to put bubbly bits in glass.

Mm, bubbly bits in glass. I think Sandi's online fact-finding was a little more thorough, frankly.

I like it, too. Can I say I am drawn inexorably to the fur coat and funny hat?

Which is...a hat

by...

-Mary Quant.

-Ah, very good!

-Is that the biggest reveal you've got?

-This is the box.

It was sent to a lady as an offer from Woman's Own, which I think is touching and sweet.

-This is a '60s faux fur coat.

-Right.

Which I think is quite good value.

-With the hat.

-So that's what they think.

But what do they really think?

-I think they're seriously good.

-They bought some good things.

I love those pipes.

-I didn't like that cast-iron inkwell.

-No.

-But it might have appeal to somebody who collects industrial items.

-It's quite nice.

-Sandi loves the crane, of course, but that won't do well, will it?

-On a bad day, it might make £15-£20.

On a good day, it might make £40-£50.

-If we want to win...

-Yeah.

-..we've got to prevent Sheila wearing that coat and parading!

There's no question about it!

I'm not sure that modelling really fits with the Road Trip rule book,

but who am I to have an opinion? Let's go!

# You can go your own way

# Go your own way... #

The sceptred Isle of Wight is sad departed

as we hover and motor to our final destination.

Over on the mainland, a whopping 120 miles from the Isle of Wight,

the Hancock and Toksvig teams are about to fetch up in dear old Tunbridge Wells.

-I am just a touch nervous.

-A touch?

I think I'm extremely nervous. I won't convey that to the girls.

-This is my own personal feeling. I confess to you all things.

-I should be worrying about that.

May the best woman win.

-Yes!

-All right, boys?

-How are you both?

Ooh, nice parking!

-Sheila, how are you?

-We are here to triumph! OK, we're here in a Triumph.

- It looks awfully posh. - So do you look posh!

-You look like you're going to a shooting luncheon.

-My parents said to dress according to who I'll meet.

Suddenly I feel like a grouse! Let's go inside.

So here we finally are. The Tunbridge Wells and Hastings Auction Halls,

purveyors of fine art, ceramics and furniture, though fortunately today is the general sale.

Cheap as chips. £30.

Auctioneer Marcus Rowell has his own thoughts on our offerings.

I do like the pine box. It's got its fitted interior, which makes it quite rare.

It's got patina, the paint is nicely worn. Less enthusiastic about the repousse copper mirror

although I know Mr Barby rates it.

I like it, but not enough, I think.

The chairs are quite interesting. They're early Ercol.

Pretty. Not worth a lot, but we like those.

The chess set has damage or losses, I should say.

But the crane, I think, is the one to go for. It would fit well in a modern flat.

Pretty much everything else is trailing quite a long way behind.

I'll do my best from the rostrum, as usual, but what more can I say?

I think he's said enough. And so to the gallows... I mean auction.

-Both teams started with £400 each.

-A chess set...

Sheila and Philip boldly spent £229 on six auction lots.

-Do you want to make money?

-Yeah!

But Sandi and David threw caution to the wind

spending £385 also on six auction lots.

-Stand by. The sale is about to begin.

-I don't think we'll do very well.

First up, Sandi and David's iron stick stand.

110 is bid. 120 anywhere? Come on.

-At £110.

-Not a bad start, but don't crack open the bubbly just yet.

Will Sheila and Philip's silver goblets be cause for celebration?

£15?

10, then.

8 is bid.

10. 12. 15.

18? Go on. 18. 20?

No? £18.

18.

-That just cost us 15 quid.

-It could have been worse, I suppose.

Let's hope Sandi and David's crane can lift the bidding here in Tunbridge Wells.

£80. 85 anywhere?

- Ridiculous. Are you all mad? - Yes.

Thank you. 85. 90. 100.

110? No, £100.

110 anywhere? All done? 100?

- Oh, no! - Go on!

110.

- How much did you pay for it? - 40.

-Only you could look so brokenhearted when you make 70 quid.

-Yes, cheer up, David. Grumpy.

Now Sheila and Philip's unusual inkwell awaits the bidders.

-£20?

-Everything all right, Sheila?

£60.

-All done?

-An excellent result for Team Hancock.

- Well done, well done. - I can't believe it!

So can the Toksvig party make their pine chest fly?

It has got genuine patina. And it's a jolly good thing.

I have £65 bid.

It is bid. 75 anywhere?

-75.

-Looks like someone is not happy with Tunbridge Wells today.

It's worth more than that.

- You'll never find another one. - Never.

£120. At the back.

A profit for sure, but do you think David wanted more?

Now get the bunting out. It's Sheila and Philip's assortment of Royal memorabilia.

£50? 40?

Come on! Bid for it. 30, then.

Come on. Is bid! £20 is bid. 22?

Thank you. 25?

Go on!

28. 30? Come on, it's fun.

30. 32? No. £30 from up there. Any more?

30 quid.

Well, maybe everyone's had enough of flag waving for one year.

Can Sandi and David sell the best of British craftsmanship here today?

150 is bid. 160? Come on.

-I can't believe this.

-You've changed your tune, Barby!

-Good taste here.

150. 160. 170 with me.

175?

180 with me. 185? No?

£185 with me. All done?

Well done and well deserved.

-£100.

-And now...

-Oh, do we have to?

-'60s! '60s!

And the hat I won't wear. It's for a much younger person.

There's the hat.

Come on. £100?

Come on! You all come here to join in and no one gets involved. It's pathetic! £50?

20 is bid. 25. 30. Go on. 5.

40. No? £35. Any more? Come on.

- That'll do. - £35. I heard, "That will do"!

Will that do?

Must have seemed like a good idea at the time.

-Who thought that was a good idea?

-We stand as a team. You won't drive a wedge through us.

-Sheila bought it.

-Miaow!

-Time for the pipes.

-80. Come on.

85 anywhere?

90? 5.

100? 110?

120? 130?

No?

£120. Cheap lot.

130. 140.

150? No. 140.

A great profit and Team Toksvig are looking hard to beat now.

Perhaps the Hancock camp can employ some celebrity power with this scene from Monarch of the Glen.

-Sheila's terribly good friends with Richard Briers.

-£50?

20? Thank you, sir. £20 is bid. 22 anywhere?

Oh, dear. Shame it's not a portrait of Jerry from The Good Life.

5? No. £32 on my left.

£32. Everyone happy?

Tough crowd.

Now Sandi and David seem unbeatable as their classic '50s chairs await their fate.

All right. £40 bid. 42 anywhere?

Come on! Thank you. 42.

45. One more. 48? £45 with me.

(Seems very cheap.)

Ridiculously cheap. £45.

I'm doing my best. Can't help.

A small profit, but it still keeps Sandi and David quite far ahead. Tense, isn't it?

I think it's a very, very good way to lose weight in here.

I don't know if you get a sense of the heat. And the tension.

So far, I've lost a stone.

Hancock and Serrell will need some smart play to catch up.

£10. 12 anywhere? Thank you.

15.

18, sir? Yes?

-20?

-Oh, dear. Poor Philip.

Come on. 20. 25? Aha. We have a slight problem on the internet.

We have £230 bid.

Would anyone like to improve on that? No one? You astound me.

-Jolly well done, Philip and Sheila. You just can't beat these live bidders.

-That was brilliant.

-Congratulations.

-Thank you.

-That is superb.

Philip, well done.

Our celebrities began with £400 each.

Team Hancock conjured up a decent profit, after paying auction costs, of £103.10.

Sheila and Philip end their Road Trip with £503.10.

But Team Toksvig did just a little bit better

with a proud profit of £193.10.

Sandi and David end their Road Trip with £593.10.

Thank you. Bye bye.

Thank you.

Well done, you. Well done, well done, Barbs.

-At least you won a profit.

-Can I just say you did brilliantly?

-Yes, you did.

-Hope to see you both soon.

-Liar!

Oh, darlings, let's just wave and say goodbye, shall we?

The language is brilliant. The sexual acts are all in graphic detail!

It doesn't have any safety belts!

I wouldn't worry too much about that. I can't reach the pedals!

-What's this?

-The ejector seat!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd