Ruth Madoc and Su Pollard Celebrity Antiques Road Trip

The nation's favourite celebrities...

-Oh, I like that.

-..paired up with an expert...

Oh, we've had some fun, haven't we?

..and a classic car.

It feels as if it could go quite fast.

Their mission? To scour Britain for antiques.

TUNELESS BELLOW

-Yes!

-Fantastic.

-I'll do that in slow-mo.

The aim? To make the biggest profit at auction.

-Come on, boys.

-But it's no easy ride.

-Ta-da!

-Who will find a hidden gem?

-"Don't sell me!"

-Who will take the biggest risks?

Go away, darling.

Will anybody follow expert advice?

I'm trying to spend money here.

There will be worthy winners...

-Yes!

-..and valiant losers.

Put your pedal to the metal.

This is the Celebrity Antiques Road Trip.

Yeah!

On today's show, we have a pair of luvvies

from the sparkling world of stage and TV -

the delectable Ruth Madoc and fizzy Su Pollard.

And as neither drive, they have their own chauffeur.

TIM CHORTLES

I wonder if the chauffeur comes with the car.

-Ah, well.

-Hire them both!

Hello, gorgeous.

What are we going to call him?

I don't know, what can we call him?

What about Parker?

Oh, that's a good idea.

Oh, and we could be Lady Penelopes One and Two.

Yes, One and Two, dear.

-One and Two.

-That's us for today!

OK, Lady Penelopes.

Su and Ruth are being driven through the countryside, as you'd expect,

in a pre-seatbelt era stately 1978 Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow.

-Look at that.

-I'm really looking forward to this.

Yes, so am I, because, you know,

it's something that I don't think you or I, either of us,

-have ever done.

-No, no, we haven't.

So we're virgins as far as antiques are concerned.

We are, dear.

Yes, as far as antiques are concerned.

The ladies are best known for their jolly japes

in the much-loved British sitcom Hi-De-Hi!

Rada-trained actress Ruth played Gladys Pugh,

the chief yellow coat that was renowned

for her bing-bong announcements.

BING-BONG CHIMES

Hi-de-ho!

The flamboyant Su played the dizzy chalet girl, Peggy.

The programme ran for nine years in the '80s.

Ruth and Su struck up a strong friendship

on the set of the fictional holiday camp.

They each have a bag of money totalling £400

and Su's got it all sewn up.

I'm a big believer in everybody sharing the win,

so when I win, you know,

when I win I will be taking you out

-for a nice little slap-up something or other!

-Hey!

Today's experts are dashing auctioneers

Raj Bisram and Philip Serrell.

Do they know what's going to hit them?

Phil, you've been doing it so much, the Road Trip,

you must have been up against everybody that there is.

Except you, Raj.

-Except me.

-Yeah, yeah.

And so it's 0-0.

Yeah, absolutely.

You know, we've got the first half to play, 0-0, who's going to win?

It's not football, Phil.

The fellas are in a pillar-box red VW Beetle from 1970 to scoot around

the countryside in. Get it?

I'm your driver.

-I'm your driver!

-Fantastic.

Would you not prefer if I sat in the back?

I'd be a lot happier and do you mind if I talk to you?

-Oh, not at all!

-What a pair, eh?

And over in the big Roller...

It's a pity we're not going round together, you and I.

I think it would have been mayhem.

Yeah, but can you imagine? We'd never get anything done,

we'd talk each other to death.

We'd never be able to buy anything and they'd be going "Cut!

"Ladies, ladies, can you please take an interest in the purchase?

"All you're doing is gabbing!"

THEY LAUGH

And the trip hasn't even started yet.

Our adventure begins in the Welsh border town of Monmouth,

moving south to the city of Cardiff,

charging east and west of South Wales

before finally auctioning in the Cheshire town of Congleton.

-What fun!

-Oh, my God.

It's a Rolls-Royce.

And they've got a driver.

-Have they?

-Yeah. So, we're decided, yeah? I'm going with Ruth,

-you're going with Su, yeah?

-Go on, then.

What about cars, who's having which car?

I've got to have the Roller.

I mean, you know, I'm suited to a Roller.

That's you told them, Phil.

-IN PLUMMY VOICE:

-Oh, my dear Parker, you did a marvellous job.

-PHILIP:

-Su, how are you?

-RUTH:

-Hello!

-Hello, Ruth.

I'm really well, thank you, are you?

-Yeah, good to see you.

-I know, it's fantastic.

We can have a kiss, can't we?

Blimey, it's like a luvvies' convention here.

Nice to see you.

This is so nice.

They said that you'd toned down everything over the years.

Sorry, I'm really sorry to be a disappointment.

Excuse me, though, but Ms Madoc has risen to the occasion, hasn't she?

Well, I've tried. I knew I had to compete with Madame here.

-Well, you look marvellous.

-Right, time to hit the road, you lot.

Come on. Good luck.

-See you, then. Bye.

-We're going here.

We're going... Are we?

Yes, you are. Let's begin with Su and Phil.

The deal is that I'm in charge of driving.

-Yes.

-You're in charge of navigations.

-Where are we?

-Well, exactly.

I mean, I'm obviously not taking you anywhere that I know.

All I know is that we're going down a fabulous road.

-Do you know what they call this?

-Lost.

Yes.

Crikey!

What about Ruth and Raj?

I mean, this is lovely, isn't it?

A Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow.

-Isn't it lovely?

-I mean, this is wonderful.

Yes, it takes me back, this.

I used to have one of these

when I was in Hi-De-Hi! cos I had to open so many shops and things,

so we decided that we'd buy one of these.

Ours was white like this, very, very similar to this.

Very posh, Ruth.

Our colourful Su and Phil have actually found

their first shopping destination - The Yard in Monmouth.

Stand by.

Well, why don't I go down this end, if you like,

-and you go down that end?

-Do not... Do not... Now, you behave.

-No, no, no...

-You behave.

-You behave.

-No!

Er, don't think there's much chance of that.

That's like a press, isn't it? So that the juice...

-Yeah.

-Like a cider press, so you press the apples or whatever.

Oh, is that what it's for?

-Then the juice runs down these channels.

-Oh, I see.

It's 495 quid, honey.

-Bit out of our price range.

-Oh, no, that's no good.

And I don't think it's worth that.

-That looks ridiculous.

-Ridiculous.

That should be worth about £45.

See, she's good, isn't she? She's on the money.

We're going to do very well together.

We're going to do really, really well together.

I'm going to spot something and I will spot something,

-hopefully.

-Go on, then, spot.

-Oh, I've spotted that.

-What?

I've spotted that. It's Rupert.

I wonder if they come together.

Rupert and the... Oh, get on it, get on the trike.

What? I can't get on there.

Of course you can, it'll be fabulous and your wig is OK,

-cos it's not windy at all.

-Stop talking, I'm not a wig!

Now you mention it, Su, is that his real hair?

I just think it's... Oh, go on, can't you get on that?

Look at me and look at the size of that, would you?

Just pretend, then.

-Yes.

-Oh, go on.

No, that's no good at all, that.

How much is that? 35 quid.

Now, you see, I don't think that's bad.

Bless him, he's very nice, he's ever so cuddly and, you know,

lovely face.

It doesn't matter about the wig.

Nothing. Fine, fine.

It's not a wig.

# Ru-pert... #

And the cuddly Rupert, not the cuddly Phil, has a tag of £28.

-Oh.

-What?

-Hang on, I've seen something.

-The old pub table.

-Yes, I just... You know why, what leapt out at me?

It was the actual colours.

Sort of shabby chic, isn't it?

-Yes.

-I like that.

-Oh, I'm so glad you like it.

No, I do like that.

The top needs sorting.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course it does.

It could do with a bit of a polish,

but this late Victorian pub table has a hefty price tag of £145.

Let's depart from the whirlwind couple

to join our calm and serene Ruth and Raj. R and R, Rolls and Royce.

Now, I'm not terribly good at haggling.

I know the phrase, "Is that your best price?"

But don't worry, Ruth, you will be...

-I'll have you negotiating by the end of this.

-Right, OK.

My husband will be so pleased.

You betcha. Ruth and Raj have travelled to the city of Newport

in south-east Wales.

Now, let's see if Raj can put Ruth through her paces in here,

unbelievably called the Strawberry Water Junk Company.

Looks lovely - the shop, that is.

That is a celery jar.

Absolutely correct.

That is a celery jar.

-Yeah.

-Yeah. You are astounding me with your knowledge, Ruth,

because I'm telling you now,

I know antique dealers who've been in the business for 15 years or so

and they would not recognise that as a celery glass, so well done.

Impressive, Ruth.

Anything else catch your eye, love?

That is actually a really nice little cocktail set.

It's got a little bit of a dent in it.

-Bit of a dent.

-I mean, these are very collectable.

I mean, it's a little bit tatty, it's got a few bits missing.

It's got £15 on the ticket, Ruth.

-We could do ten.

-Right.

Ten? I'm going to go for less.

-OK.

-The 1930s silver-plated cocktail set is from Sheffield silversmiths

Walker & Hall.

With the current popularity of cocktails and all things vintage,

this could be a good option.

And there would have been a stirring spoon here.

-Yeah, there.

-That... That is a saleable thing.

John. John.

What we need now, we need a "Hi-de-Hi!"

-Hi-de-Hi!

-Hi-de-ho!

While Ruth and Raj track down owner John,

let's take a gander at Su and Phil.

They're still causing havoc in the town of Monmouth.

Oh, no, not a scooter.

Ah, this is cool, though.

It's very sturdy.

-Vroom-vroom!

-I can feel one of my headaches coming on.

Have you ever relaxed?

-Yeah.

-Ever?

-Yeah.

-This is what you do, you know.

-SHE BREATHES DEEPLY

And relax.

I don't want to, I get excited.

Right, no, you hide it so well.

-Oh, look...

-Phil's got his hands full today.

Oh, I can't see, dear.

I'll have to borrow your glasses.

Go on, swap. Yes, that's it!

TIM GUFFAWS

-Hellfire.

-Yes.

Bloody hellfire. You really can't see, can you?

I can't. Hopeless!

-No.

-But they suit you.

-Man, you look cool.

-Really?

You're wigged and glassed up now.

It's there, look, ahead of us.

Show me, show me, show me.

OK.

I just like it because it reminds me of, you know,

chimney tops and rooftops on the top of the buildings.

So you've got your roof like that.

That sits on the end.

That's the gable end there.

-I see.

-And then you've got joints that come down like that.

-Yeah, that's it.

-I think that's really cool.

So of course you look at the detail again. It's stars.

-It's nice, isn't it?

-Star shape. I think that is...

-And you are a star.

-Yes, of course, you see, oh, well, yes, yes, yes.

He has noticed.

How hip is that?

Ticket price £45.

It's not a wig. Pull it.

-It isn't a wig.

-Oh, hang on, no, I've just seen the glue.

Get out of here!

Get out of here!

While they go and glue Phil's hair back on,

why don't we zip back to Ruth and Raj?

It's a little less chaotic over in Strawberry Water Junk Company.

This little cocktail set, John, it's not all there, as you know.

There's quite a few things missing from it.

What's the best on that?

To you, my dear, a tenner.

That's what I thought you'd come back with.

-It's a bargain.

-I've got a price in mind.

Because it's missing all these little bits, OK, what about a fiver?

Gulp.

Eight quid and I'll find you a spoon.

Eight quid and you'll find us a spoon?

I'm not going to quibble with that.

Hang on, I've got to consult my partner,

-No, I think that's very good.

-Are you happy with that?

-Yes.

In that case, Ruth, I think you should shake his hand.

-Thank you very much.

-John, we have a purchase.

-Diolch yn fawr.

-Thank you very much indeed.

-Well done.

-Brilliant.

-Our first purchase.

-There we go.

A rather snazzy cocktail set for an unbelievable £8,

with the promised bone-handled spoon.

And we're not stopping for breath

on the whirlwind Su Pollard Express.

Go on, then. That's it.

Watch this. It's all about your weight transference.

I've got a lot of that to transfer!

Hop, two, three and four.

And hop, two, three and four.

Hop, two, three and four.

-That's brilliant, actually.

-Hop, two, three and...

-I've got the hang of this.

-Fred Astaire has got no need to worry.

Heavens above.

Now, how about actually buying something, you two?

As a refresher, they've rooted out Rupert Bear and the trike,

priced at £63,

the Victorian pub table for £145 and the terracotta end tile

priced for £45.

Watch out, dealer Dave, you don't know what's about to hit you.

We'll give you 150 quid for the table,

the tile and the bike and the bear.

-I need to work this out.

-I'll tell you exactly what it works out at.

We've got to get the pub table at 90 quid and it puts the roofing tile

in at 25 quid and it puts that in at 35 quid and that's a fair deal.

Yeah, that's fine, cos I can give it up on the teddy.

-That's no trouble at all.

-Oh, you're a star!

Shake his hand, give him a kiss.

Oh, no, no, no, forget the handshake. Mwah!

Oh, look at that, that's the best lipstick colour you can ever get.

-Superb.

-I don't think Dave cares about the lipstick colour, Su,

he just wants to get you out of the shop.

This kooky twosome have got a massive £103 discount.

Now, back to Ruth and Raj.

The lovely Ruth is getting into the swing of things.

Right, now, then, Raj.

There was something in this window I thought was rather interesting.

See this aeroplane here with this little ashtray underneath?

I know it's got Swissair on it.

I still think that's quite nice.

I like that. I mean, these aeronautical collectables

are very, very collectable. The only thing...

I love the shape of the plane and everything,

it looks like an old Boeing,

but what is against it is the fact that it is an ashtray.

I know that, and I know they are not popular.

But they could put bonbons in it or anything, couldn't they?

Swiss chocolate?

Swiss chocolate!

Now this plan is coming together.

I like it.

Ruth, time for you to take control of proceedings.

What price do you think?

I would not pay any more than about 15.

OK. OK, let's see.

John. Ruth, you go ahead.

John, you see this little ashtray with the aeroplane, the Swiss one?

How much is that?

-75.

-75?!

-Yep.

Oh...

What's your best price?

Spoken like a pro.

Because it's you, I'll do 45 quid.

-45.

-I think that's still...

Can I step in here?

We did say, we had a price in mind, and we were very, very close to it.

25?

I was thinking more 20.

-And it's got one blade missing.

-Has it?

It's got a blade missing.

-A blade missing?

-Oh.

Well, it's got to be 15, then.

-It's got to be 15, then.

-Sorry, presh.

-Yeah?

Yeah?

-For you, go on.

-Oh, you're a boy and a half.

-There we go.

-Thank you, babes.

-Thank you.

-Blooming heck, Ruth is pretty ruthless.

That's £60 discount on the Swissair ashtray.

I think it would be good for Swiss chocolates, too, Ruth.

Now, what about the other two?

-SHE RAPS:

-# I am on the road with Phil

# He certainly isn't over the hill

# He's always in a jovial mood

# In fact he's a regular all-round dude.

-BOTH:

-# Say Phil!

-Two, three, four.

-# Say Phil!

-Two, three, four.

-# Say Phil! #

-I like this a lot.

CHUCKLING: Oh, dear!

Su and Phil have detoured from the planned route

and ended up in the rural village of Itton...

..in Monmouthshire. Phil loves shopping off the beaten track,

and it doesn't have to be an actual shop, you know.

Farms are his thing.

Prepare yourself, Su!

-What can we buy off you, then?

-Buy?

-We want to buy something.

-We have come here to buy something off you.

-Oh, dear.

Don't care what it is.

Bit of an old plough, bit of old railings, bit of old gate.

Bit of old anything, really.

Anything.

DOG BARKS

What are these things there, look?

They are called hames, aren't they?

Sure enough, friendly farmer Andrew has found some horses' hames.

This peculiar-looking piece of horse equipage was an early invention

attached to the side of the harness

which allowed the horse to breathe better as it ploughed the fields.

-Over to you, Phil.

-What do you want for that lot there, then?

Yeah, don't bother getting out of the car, eh, Phil?

How's about two quid?

Brisk business, this!

-Done! Right, I have been.

-You can't give him...

-I've just...

-You shut up...

-You can't give him two...

-Whose side are you on?

You can't give him just two quid.

-Give him ten.

-No!

-He wants us to win.

-Actually, that's very true. Here, I've got it.

Could you lob them in the back for me?

We'll get off, then. Thank you ever so much.

Horse hames.

You've been fabulous, thank you!

See you soon, Andrew, bye!

Thanks very much.

Bye, darlings. Oh!

Yes, Andrew and Colin, that really did just happen.

£2 for the horses' hames on our impromptu farm visit.

Let's hope the Beetle goes forwards, too.

Now, let's join Raj as he gets to know his new chum, Ruth.

I come from a nursing family.

My great-aunt was one of the very first midwives,

certified midwives in Wales,

and I grew up with stories about Florence Nightingale

and a woman called Betsi Cadwaladr.

You're in for a big surprise.

-Am I?

-Yes!

That you are, my darling Ruth.

Our road tripping adventurers

are heading to the capital city of Wales, Cardiff.

When we think of nursing heroines, the lady with the lamp -

Florence Nightingale - springs to mind.

But what about Betsi Cadwaladr from rural Wales?

After reading about the devastation

of the sick and wounded in the Crimean War of 1854,

Betsi was determined to sign up for military nursing service.

Gutsy and spirited,

Betsi was a contemporary of Florence Nightingale.

They shared plucky determination to save the fallen.

Ruth and Raj are meeting with emeritus professor

and stalwart of Welsh nursing Donna Mead

at the University Hospital of Wales.

How old was she, then, Donna?

She was in her mid-60s when she presented herself to go.

The advertisement wanted ladies of good breeding, good stock,

because Nightingale famously said

all that is needed to be a good nurse

is to be a good woman.

The age restriction for nurses going to the Crimea was 40.

So determined was Betsi to help the sick and wounded

that she lied about her age. Despite being 25 years over the age limit,

Betsi was accepted to travel to one of the bloodiest battles

known to man.

When she arrived, we are told there were eight miles of beds...

..to walk through.

So the need was great.

But Betsi was kept waiting for three weeks,

and she hadn't seen a soldier,

she hadn't seen a single patient,

she wasn't even allowed to roll bandages.

So in the end,

she complained most bitterly and most vociferously about this,

and eventually,

what we realise is that Nightingale

didn't want Betsi to go anywhere near the soldiers

because she was Welsh.

Purely just because she was Welsh?

That was the main reason. Two, she was of the lower classes,

and not one of Nightingale's genteel ladies.

And three, because she was a paid nurse,

and Nightingale believed to be a nurse

you had to be a woman of sufficient means financially

that you didn't need paying.

So Betsi had the stigma hat-trick.

Betsi would not be fazed by Florence's prejudice,

and with fire in her belly decided to fight for a chance

to nurse the desperately sick.

Nightingale eventually compromised,

and sent Betsi to the heart of the fighting at Balaclava.

She hadn't been there very long...

..and she was making such a difference

that she was put in charge

of the seven wards and the feeding kitchen.

She was 65 years old, plus, by now, she was working 20-hour days,

sleeping on a mat on the floor.

Balaclava means a filthy lake, a filthy place,

and the lake itself was sewage and it was full of infection,

so she began to become ill.

But Nightingale was really impressed with what Betsi had achieved.

Betsi's story is one of a formidable lady

that would not allow prejudice to prevent her from serving the wounded

and dying in the bloody Crimean War.

This exemplary work on the front line

would ultimately lead to her death.

After a year, a poorly Betsi returned to London

suffering from cholera and dysentery.

Five years later, in 1860, she died a pauper aged 71.

Meanwhile, songstress Su has composed more of her Road Trip rap.

Oh, dear.

-SHE RAPS:

-# He twists and turns that steering wheel

# A drive for him is no big deal

# He often does an Irish jig

# And never once disturbs his wig

-# Say Phil!

-Phil! #

You have to come in!

You have not come in!

Will you stop hitting me?!

Su and Phil have travelled to the town of Chepstow in Monmouthshire -

if you can call that travel.

We were both having a discussion about

how it would be nice to have a little bit of jewellery,

-something sparkly.

-Yeah.

-Oh, this is a fabulous shop, this.

That lovely necklace there, that looks really lovely.

Sparkly-warkly.

Can we just...? Mind your wig.

-Will you just leave...?

-Hey, cheeky!

In hot pursuit of something "sparkly-warkly",

they enter Foxgloves Antiques for a bit of a mooch.

Or is it a smooch?

Oh, that's great, that. That's an absolute star, that is.

You just have a look through there,

I'm going to see if I can find anything else.

-OK.

-Cheer up, Phil.

-Could be worse.

-# Say, Phil!

# Two, three, four.

# Say Phil! Two, three... #

He's...

He doesn't know I've got another eight verses to come.

I'm sure that's just what he needs!

Now, what's this?

You see, I think this just might have the Pollard name to it.

-Do you like that?

-Oh, I do.

Really, or not?

No, I absolutely do.

Look at that!

You've got a brooch and a sea pearl.

You've got a bit of bone just here.

Someone has put that together recently.

-It's not an aged thing.

-Oh, right.

But it's all old things that are in there.

Can you imagine that on a wall?

You wouldn't really want to take that out, would you?

No, I think that's just nice the way it is.

-I do.

-I do.

This is a little display of Victorian and Edwardian jewellery.

Charming in its own way.

And it's quite sparkly-warkly, Su.

Here's owner Lesley to talk cash.

Watch out.

You know what I'm going to ask.

-I do.

-And I just think it's really, really lovely.

So well put together, on a wall, just marvellous.

And I note that it's 78.

Any chance of making it, like...

-..50?

-55 and you've got a deal.

-55?

-You'll make a profit on that, I guarantee.

Maybe we could just buy you a cake for £5.

-A gin and tonic at this time of day!

-We'll all go for that.

Why not, dear?

Go on, I'll give you some money.

I didn't really, really want to go as low as that, but...

-You're an angel.

-I'm so thrilled if you would,

it would be just so fabulous, because we have to win.

But you have got a really good bargain.

You're a star, thank you very much indeed.

I think that's absolutely brilliant, thank you very much, Lesley.

Come on, cough up, you two.

The cash is in Su's pocket.

-Or it was.

-You'll have to forage in the pocket.

I'm never going to wash this hand.

Are you a good forager?

Oh, missus!

Ooh, missus!

-You've got a hole in your pocket.

-So terrible.

-This is the bit I like, really.

-Really?

Shall I put it back?

-We haven't got time!

-Of course we haven't got time.

The rascals have handed over £50

-for the lady's display of sparkly jewellery.

-What do we say?

# Say Phil!

# Two, three, four.

-# Say Phil!

-Two, three, four.... #

-Come on, you.

-You've got to get the right...

Shopping over now for the day for all our road-tripping gang,

and the girls are back together.

I think our best bet if we want to make any money

is to go for jewellery.

-Oh, yeah.

-Don't you think?

Oh, I do, absolutely.

And even though it's only gold-plated or whatever,

as long as it has got a name to that piece of jewellery,

like a Cartier or a Chanel or even Vivienne Westwood.

-I agree.

-What budget are you on, Ruth?

Now, go and get some shut eye before we do it all again tomorrow.

So tiring. Nighty-night.

Our sparkling divas are up and at 'em,

and discussing the art of the haggle.

I don't know about you, Ruth, but sometimes,

when it comes to the haggling... "Oh, hello."

Where do you start? I'm not used to it, dear.

No. But I do have to say about yesterday

that I did surprise myself.

I went in for the jugular at one particular point,

and I looked at Raj and he went, "Oh, good!"

Get her!

He did. It was very funny.

Indeed. Now, what about the boys?

After yesterday, Phil, are you looking forward to today?

I am, but all I got yesterday was, "I say, I say..."

And then she caught me one in the breadbasket with her handbag, bosh.

Hoo-hoo! Sounds painful!

Yesterday our vivacious ladies of stage and screen

entered the antiques arena full of dizzy excitement.

Yes, Su, I meant you.

Phil and Su bought a Rupert the Bear and trike,

the pub table, the terracotta tile,

the collection of horse stuff and the cased display

of Victorian and Edwardian sparkly things,

giving them £198 to play with today.

Ruth and Raj bought a 1930s cocktail set, very cheap,

and the Swissair ashtray-cum-bonbon stand,

and have a whack of £370 for the day ahead.

Goodness only knows what's going to happen today.

Our excited bunch are raring to go in a rather somewhat rainy Cardiff.

-How are you?

-Fine, thank you.

And our Su is champing at the bit.

Champing being the operative word.

-Look, the race is on now.

-We've got to go, haven't we?

You're late, anyway - ten minutes.

-We've got to go now, quick, because they're starting off.

-Go on, then.

-See you!

-Oh, Lordy.

Today our road-tripping gang are all sharing their first shop of the day.

Su and Phil are hatching a plan.

I don't like the look of this.

I know what I'm going to do.

I would like to distract Ruth and Raj.

Faint into Raj's arms.

-That'll occupy him.

-Oh, that's a brilliant idea.

Whilst over in the Rolls...

Today it's all about spend, spend, spend.

We've got so much money, let's go...

Even if we have to overpay.

We must have a profit.

OK, you really have got the dealer in you.

Well, in my estimation,

it's no good buying something absolutely superb

if it is not going to have a profit.

Blimey, don't get on the wrong side of her.

Now, let's see if our gang can rustle up some exciting deals

in this converted Victorian pumping station, as you do.

Go, go, go!

Quick, quick!

-Go, go, go.

-Are they coming?

-No, quick, quick!

-OK.

They're just like children, aren't they?

With over 35 dealers here, let's leave them to have a rootle about,

because the grown-ups have just arrived.

Quite the gent, Raj.

Thank you so much!

-My pleasure.

-Oh, this is going to be so exciting.

They are not hanging about, either.

Now, what's this?

These are the kind of things that would be nice to buy from here.

Now, everybody thinks that Roman artefacts should be worth a fortune.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Actually, you can buy them really reasonable.

I mean, but that is not reproduced from a museum, is it?

-No, no.

-I mean, is that genuine?

-Yes.

-Helpful dealer Nadine gets the owner of the Roman collection

-on the blower.

-Hello, Paul.

And he has something in mind for Ruth and Raj.

I see you've got some dice.

Roman dice.

And how much are they? Ah.

There are five dice altogether with a price tag of £20 each.

Ducking and dicing, eh?

You could do them for £10 each.

That would be... 10, 20, 30, 40, 50.

£50 for the five.

But for Ruth, he will do it for a bit less.

£40?

I'll have a little think about that.

Two seconds. Just hold on.

Hold on, my lovely.

I don't think that's too bad a price, myself.

I don't. Do you think we should try a little bit more, or not?

-Are you happy with that?

-I am.

-Actually, to be honest...

-I am.

-I'm not kidding.

-Yeah.

I think that's not a bad price.

-I think that's fair.

-Five Roman dice.

For £40?

I think that's very good.

Anything... Any little thing that you can throw in that you know of,

-off your cuff?

-Hasn't taken much training, has she?

Yes?

Fantastic.

She's a natural. Not only has she closed the deal,

she's also managed to clinch a Roman pen worth £60 into the mix.

Thank you, kind sir!

Now, what about new best friends forever, Su and Phil?

Here you are, look. Oh, look at that!

Can I just say that I'm a professional man?

Oh, look at that!

Hello, Doris!

I'm respected by millions.

Well, I wouldn't go that far.

You told everybody I wear a wig...

It's matching, it's matching.

You dress me up like Danny LaDoo-Dah...

-Just a minute, just a minute.

-Danny da-who?

And, she's not listening.

The bag will work.

-The bag won't work.

-Yeah, your hair's so real-looking, Phil.

Got to watch the wig.

-It's not a wig.

-Of course it is.

Will you stop being in denial? You need treatment.

There we are, look at that.

Superb!

I can't stop laughing.

Oh, we've had some fun, haven't we?

-Oh, yes.

-It's got to be time for lunch.

-It's one of the best days of my life.

-Yeah!

You look marvellous.

A real stunner!

Anyway, while the kids play dressing up, what are the focused ones up to?

I've just noticed here, they've got some...

Roman beads!

..Roman bead necklaces.

If we could get all three for £50..?

-Mmm, mmm. Yeah!

-Or even £40.

-OK.

-Because the ticket on them is 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90.

Paul the dealer, on the phone from earlier,

also owns some Roman necklaces.

What's that dog doing? Oh, yes, he's willing to take 45.

Thank you very, very much for what you've already given us,

but I'm going to ask you,

I'm really going to beg you if you would just take the fiver off.

Oh, you're a good man.

Thank you very, very, very much indeed.

Much appreciated.

Ruth and Raj are getting on ever so well.

Three Roman necklaces at £40 to add to their collection.

Now, what about the others?

They've got £198 left in Su's handbag.

-With a hole in it.

-Do you work here, then, Keith?

Yes, yes. I've got an antique stall downstairs.

It's actually my son's stall.

I love this. Absolutely love this.

-Yes, I do.

-A lot of these were ship figureheads, weren't they?

-Yeah, yeah.

-19th-century.

-Yeah.

-And this one looks like...

I mean, you can see down here, it's wooden, with plaster.

-Yeah, yeah.

-And I would think this is later painting, isn't it?

-Possibly, yeah.

-You know, because he looks a bit cross-eyed.

Can you guess who it is, though?

-The figurehead?

-Oh, is it actually...

It's supposed to be Jesus.

Interesting. A ship's figurehead was originally believed

to placate the gods of the sea and ensure a safe passage...

rather than scare them.

It's a big old lump, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-How much is it?

-£200.

-Is that the finish of it?

-That's the finish of it, as far as I know.

That's what my boy said it is, so...

Have we got that much?

No.

-Oh, crikey.

-We are close.

-Right, OK.

-Well...

-We've got...

-Go on.

We've got £198.

-That'll do.

-That'll do, will it?

Oh, you are excellent!

Lordy! That was quick.

And they've blown their budget.

Back to Ruth and Raj -

they're having a snoop amongst some pretty little bottles.

That's a nice one.

That's a sweet little one, yeah.

75, though, it's the money.

-It's the money.

-Well, that's because it's 19th-century

and it's hallmarked silver. And guess who owns it.

Dealer Paul!

Raj calls his new best friend once more.

Would you do it for 45?

INDISTINCT CHATTER ON PHONE

Yeah, it's a very small, engraved silver one.

Yep? 45?

-We have a deal.

-Oh, thank you!

If you were here, I would shake your hand

and Ruth would give you a nice big hug.

This pair are on fire today.

The little silver scent bottle for £45,

taking their tally to five lots.

What fun.

Meanwhile, as Su adores history, she's in for a special treat.

Phil's taking her to the National Roman Legion Museum

in the town of Caerleon, in Gwent.

We may be familiar with the two great Roman fortresses of York

and Chester, but over 1,500 years ago,

this small Welsh town was home to 6,000 heavily armed infantry troops

that made up the Second Augustine Legion.

Caerleon was one of approximately 30 similar fortresses which secured

the very frontiers of the Roman Empire,

running from the wild Welsh mountains

to the deserts of Arabia.

-Hello.

-A site of considerable archaeological importance,

curator Dr Mark Lewis is going to show them around one of the largest

Roman military collections in the world.

Mark, why did the Romans come here in the first place?

Well, Welsh gold.

There's gold in them there hills and they were after the gold

that we'd been producing for centuries.

They knew it was here and they wanted it for their mint in Rome.

Flipping heck. They sniff everything out, don't they?

Well, that's one way of putting it.

MARTIAL FANFARE

Now, Su loves her jewellery and the museum houses

some of the oldest pieces she will ever have seen.

Here we've got some of the fabulous gemstones

that were lost in Caerleon.

88 of these were lost down our fortress bath's drain.

Because if you look at the ring there,

you will see that the gemstones weren't clasped into rings,

they were just adhered into the ring bezel,

and in the heat of the bathhouse, in the moisture of the bathhouse,

the adhesive just softened and 88 of these fell out

-and we found them down the drain.

-I can't believe that.

Is it possible for me to try that one on, just there?

You may, yes, put the gloves on there and try it on.

-Don't confuse the two, will you?

-No, no, no, no.

I won't, because I know that is the modern one that I've got on now.

That's Elizabethan, isn't it?

Er, yes. I think so.

-Yes.

-Absolutely, yeah. How did you know that?

Yes, the Second.

I can't believe I'm actually wearing something that's Roman.

And how old would this be, then?

That's about 1,800 years old.

SHE GASPS

This is a commemorative building stone that features Roman commander

Flavius Rufus, who helped build the fortress here.

I think it's just fantastic.

How old is that?

That probably dates to around the year AD100 - AD200.

Flavius Rufus was the centurion

in command of the first cohort, first century,

so he's right at the front of the Roman army and it's his job

to protect the imperial gold eagle that the legion carries.

But, you know what? I'd love to see him.

Can you imagine?

Roman gladiator, starring Flavius Rufus!

That's, for me, hairs-on-the-back-of-the-neck stuff.

It is. Yeah.

One of the most interesting things about this stone

is that there was no writing in this part of the world

until the Romans brought it here,

so we are looking at some of the earliest writing,

some of the earliest words ever to have been set down

in this part of the world.

So the Romans certainly bought us bureaucracy,

admin and the small print.

CROWD CHEERS Outside the museum,

Su and Phil are exploring the most completely excavated amphitheatre

in Roman Britain.

Everything from gladiatorial combat to the hunting of wild animals

would be watched by a crowd of thousands here.

I am Maximus Phillius Serrellus

and I will have my vengeance in this life or the next.

Utter balderdash!

I am Susus Pollicus Maximus

and I will absolutely beat you to the ground!

-Go on, then.

-No, no, no.

-What?

-I've thought of something much better than that.

-What?

-One moment, please.

I didn't think your regular gladiator had shiny handbags.

Come on, then. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

-What's this?

-You are never going to win.

At arms!

No, come on. Have at thee, varlet!

Whoa!

Ya! Ha-ha!

Call yourself a...

Our Su would have had the Roman soldiers quaking in their sandals!

-Look at Phil go!

-You haven't had a handbagging for ages!

Oh, dear! All joking aside,

the 6,000-strong legion that took over this remote part

of South Wales have given the museum half a million Roman artefacts.

With one of the finest amphitheatres in the world,

Caerleon is a living memorial to the Roman invasion of Britain.

Ruth and Raj have motored their way to Bridgend in Mid Glamorgan,

an opportunity for Ruth to give Raj some lessons in Welsh.

-Llanfair...

-Llanfair...

-..pwllgwyngyll...

-..pwllgwyngyll...

-..gogerych...

-..gogerych...

-..wyrndrobwll...

-..wyrndrobwll...

-..llantysilio...

-..llantysilio...

-..gogogoch.

-..gogogoch!

Very good!

THEY LAUGH

Blimey! It's Basil Brush.

Our pair have £252 exactly left in their kitty.

Oh, this looks a nice shop.

-It certainly does.

-Oh, Raj!

And would you believe it,

Ruth is barely in the shop and she's excited about something.

Hey, look at this!

Dinosaur eggs!

At £500 each!

The hadrosaurus was a herbivore that weighed around seven tonnes.

Well, I can remember these.

Good heavens. Can you really?

-When they first came out!

-Don't you show your age.

Wow. I mean, imagine how old these are.

Look, it says here, 95-plus million years old.

Gosh.

That's incredible.

-I think...

-Just one of those?

One of those, if we could get it with the money we've got

and we could offer him every penny that we own, we've got it.

-Yeah.

-Do we know how much we've got left?

We've got about 200 and something.

252, to be precise.

That's about half an egg.

There's a market for dinosaur eggs

and some have sold recently for thousands.

A potentially lucrative buy.

Now, where's owner Julian to talk about money?

I know you've got £500 each and obviously, we only want one of them.

We have got £252.

Have you ever seen any before on your travels?

Occasionally? Not very often.

-Occasionally, but not...

-They should be in a museum.

They should, I agree. I mean, I've never, ever bought anything so old

and it would be a challenge for me to buy something that's so old,

and we want to spend all our money.

-Yes.

-Now, if you could do that, one of these for £252, we'd...

We'd be very grateful.

-Yeah.

-I can't rob a young Welsh lady, can I?

-So, I'll shake this man's hand.

-Thank you, Julian.

-What?!

-And give this young lady a kiss.

-Oh, my lovely boy!

-Lovely!

-Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

-Right.

-Ruth and Raj,

that is one heck of a buy and you've blown the budget.

Nice work. With the shopping now complete,

time for a nosy at one another's buys.

Phil, as you know, I've been doing this a long time,

but I have to tell you

-that I bought the oldest thing I've ever bought today.

-Go on, then.

-Ever.

-Well, let's have a look, come on, show us.

-OK.

-Drumroll!

-RUTH:

-We will reveal...

-You all right, Su?

-..what we've got.

-They are very...

-Look at this.

-PHIL:

-Did you get it on the beach?

-Did I get it on the beach?

-RUTH:

-No, this is 95 million years old.

You're having a laugh!

- No! - What is it?

It's a dinosaur egg.

You've got an egg in your handbag, haven't you?

No, don't, don't, don't touch it.

No, I might drop it.

That, we got... It was 500 and we actually got it down to £252.

Well, he's nearly the oldest thing that I've ever bought.

-Ridiculous.

-OK, Su.

Now, stop bickering. Time for you to reveal your big-ticket item.

-What is that?

-It's a ship's figurehead.

-Is it?

-Yeah. It is wood and plaster and there's no doubt,

it's a bit Tommy Cotton.

English translation - "rotten".

There's a bit of plaster in here.

Can I ask, how much did you pay for this?

He was £400.

No way.

-He was.

-We got it for 198.

- Oh, that's very good, yeah. - That's all we had left.

Well, may the best team win.

-We are going to leave you now.

-Ruth?

But confidentially, what do you really think?

I was really, really worried when I saw that egg.

But then again, not everybody likes dinosaurs' eggs.

That figurehead thing.

Now, it'll either bomb or, you know, it'll go, you know, right up.

I think you're absolutely right.

I think that that's a very, very iffy one.

Auction time beckons, and we are off to Congleton in Cheshire.

Stand by, Congleton.

You know, wouldn't it be great if we could both win?

-If we could...

-Oh, yes.

Well, you say you're going to win.

-Well, yes.

-I mean, I'm optimistic.

Yes.

Everything's going so well.

STATIC BUZZES

-Uh-oh.

-Well, look, I mean, that bonnet's up there.

-What are we going to do? We'll have...

-No, no, no.

Just a minute. Calm down.

Listen. We are not very far from the auction room.

I think we're going to have to walk, love.

-Come on, Suzy.

-Yeah, I'm coming.

Thankfully the auction house is just around the corner.

And Su's been busy composing.

Oh, dear.

# Now we're on the final lap

# And Phil deserves a little nap

# The wig stayed put down every road.

# And he never crushed a single toad

-# Say Phil

-Phil!

-# Say Phil

-Phil!

# Da-da-da! #

Let's go. Come on!

Let's go and sell our goods.

-To the auction.

-To the auction.

The musical Su and Phil spent every single penny of their £400

on a huge haul of six lots.

Ruth and Raj blew the budget also on six lots,

with Ruth proving to be one heck of a negotiator.

Whittaker & Biggs is our auction house today.

Neil Ashley is the man bashing the gavel.

And what does he think of the road trippers' wears?

The ship's figurehead, unfortunately that sailor's had

one or two rums and had a bit of damage to his neck area.

The hadrosaur egg, 90 million years old.

Very, very quirky.

Unusual lot. Could...

We put a come-and-get-me price of 50 to 150.

Could make a lot, lot more than that.

Sounds promising.

Our colourful stars arrive amidst a packed room.

OK. This is so exciting.

- I know. - This is it, isn't it?

First up it's Ruth, with the collection of Roman necklaces.

A lot of the people round here, they don't look as if they,

you know, would like anything Roman.

-Would they?

-Oh, I don't know.

-Hold on a minute.

I think I've just seen Caligula over there. He's just come in.

-20. £10.

-Come on, they're Roman, these.

-Come on.

A £10 bid. £10, 15. 15 bid. 20. £20 bid. 5.

- 25. - Oh, that's good, that's good.

-25.

-25. 25 and a bid, 25 bid.

25 with a bid. 25. 25. 25.

Hammer's up, you lose out. Left and right of me, I sell at 25.

Oh...

-No.

-We've bombed.

It's not that bad, Ruth.

I've seen a lot worse.

Useless again!

-Hang on, Su.

-This is yours.

It's not Phil's fault.

It's their horse harness hames next.

All we need is somebody who is horse mad and maybe collects them

-themselves, you know.

-Or a scrap metal merchant.

-Yes.

-Hey!

-What are you talking about?

You'll get a handbagging in a minute.

£10.

10 bid. £10 bid.

£10 bid. 15.

You're in profit. You're in a good profit.

-Got it. Got it.

-£15 bid.

Left and right of me. £15 bid, £15 bid.

£15. £15.

Hammer's up, you lose, I sell them, make no mistake, £15.

-Very good.

-Yes!

-Well done.

-And you got them for nothing.

Well, £2, actually.

Brilliant result from the farm purchase.

Right, well, that has been fantastic.

Thank you very much. We are off for now.

-RUTH:

-Well done.

-That will be the end of it, will it?

Lovely to see you.

Don't count your chickens, Phil.

It's Ruth's Roman dice and pen next.

10? £10 bid.

15. 20. £20 bid. £20 bid, £20 bid.

- 25. - That's not bad.

Fresh bid at 25.

At 25 bid, I sell them, make no mistake, at 25.

Dear, dear. Well, they've got a real bargain.

That's all I can say.

Because they are amazing, those.

The perils of the auction room, I'm afraid, Ruth.

But the other ones will probably do really well.

Loving your optimism there, Su.

Right, get ready.

It's Su's Rupert Bear and the trike next.

£10 away. £10 bid.

£10 the bid, £10 bid.

We need a bit more than this!

Oh, come on! Somebody must want it for their child.

-NEIL:

-I'm going to sell, then, at £10 bid.

I sell, make no mistake, at £10.

-SU:

-Oh!

What a shame, Su. Someone's got a cracker of a buy there, I think.

There is a long way to go yet.

Very true, Raj. It's Ruth's cocktail set up next.

I reckon it might make nine.

THEY CHUCKLE

- We paid eight for it! - Typical you,

optimistic till the end.

-Oh, yes.

-I've got two commission bids.

I'm going to go 10, 15, 20, 5, £30 with me.

Yes! Let's go, come on.

35. 35 and the commissions are out.

35. I've taken on my right.

35 bid. 35.

35 bid, 35.

At 35, hammer's up, you lose.

I sell, then, make no mistake, at 35.

HAMMER FALLS

-Fantastic!

-Congratulations!

-Oh, thank goodness.

Well done. The biggest profit of the day so far.

-Cheers.

-Why didn't you buy it?

You must have seen it in the shop.

-Well, you should...

-What have we lost so far?

We're still not in profit yet.

Yes, Su, shh.

It's your terracotta ridge tile next.

20. £10 away.

£10 away, quickly bid.

£10 bid.

THEY TALK OVER ONE ANOTHER

15 if you like. £10 bid.

That man bought it behind us.

Cash at £10.

You were marvellous. Did you buy that?

Oh, there is a lovely chap here behind us.

-Thank you so much.

-He just lost us 15 quid!

In that case, oh, I'm sorry, I'm taking it all back.

At least you didn't get smacked with the handbag, Phil.

I've been listening to the auctioneer.

He's wonderful.

Have you heard him when he goes, "25, 25, 25, 5, 5, 5, 35..."

You'd make a good auctioneer, love.

You wouldn't make a very good auctioneer.

You know why? Because you've got to talk a lot.

-Yeah.

-And that's something that you're not very good at, is it?

You are so...

Watch out, Raj. She's not afraid to use her handbag.

It's Ruth's little Swissair ashtray-cum-bonbon stand next.

10 bid. 10 bid.

15. 20. £20 bid. £20 the bid.

£20 bid. £20 bid, £20 bid.

-Come on!

-It's a collector's item.

- 5. 40. - Oh, yes. It's going up.

Right at the very back. £40 bid.

- They are doing so well. - £40, £40.

I cash then, make no mistake, at £40.

-Well done.

-Well done.

-First-class result.

-Nice profit there, Ruth.

You've definitely got an eye.

Phil, tell me about this...

-..thing you bought.

-Well...

Thing?!

This is Su. Don't call her a thing.

She's been with me the whole trip, haven't you?

-Yes.

-Has he upset you?

-Yes.

-Don't you call her a thing.

Yeah, Raj, how dare you?

It's Su's framed Victorian and Edwardian ladies' accessories next.

I've got commissions of £10 with me.

£10!

£10 bid.

"£10 bid, 25, 25, 25."

I'm going to sell it. £10 I'm bid. 15. £15 bid.

That lady said it was going to be worth 50.

£15, here to go.

£15 bid, I sell at £15.

Perhaps if we could do a Road Trip

where we just buy things and never sell anything, right,

a bit like we are doing today, really, but...

What a shame.

Someone's got another brilliant deal.

Try those on.

Your wig's gone.

You look like Brains.

-Oh, no, quick.

-Oh, dear!

It's Ruth's silver scent bottle next.

I've got commissions with me of £10, a very low start.

£10 bid. 15.

20. 5.

30. 5.

Commission's out. 35. 40.

£40.

Don't leave it now. £40 bid.

-Come on.

-Come on!

-Come on, guys.

Taken on my right, make no mistake, £40 bid.

£40 bid.

-Come on.

-Make no mistake at £40.

-I'm happy with that, to be honest.

-Thank you.

Not bad. You know, Ruth,

your love for antiques really does shine through.

OK, Su, let's see if your Victorian pub table

can rustle up some profits.

Well, let's hope they don't call last orders on it.

THEY LAUGH

Oh, yes.

There's still time!

-Oh! We got it together!

-You're catching on.

-I'll ring the bell.

Oh! And what will you do?