Episode 5 Great Movie Mistakes


Episode 5

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Transcript


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The most popular genre of the moment seems to be the superheroes.

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Spiderman, Superman, Natalie Port-man, X-Men, that's another one.

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I've always found their name confusing.

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X-Men, they're ex-men. So they're women.

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If that's the case, I suppose that explains

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why I fancy Wolverine so very much.

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Everyone is quick to talk about superheroes, but no-one

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is interested in the real life heroes.

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For me, my hero in life has always been my old English teacher.

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He was caring and passionate, a real inspiration to all he taught

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and by night, he donned a mask and cape

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and went out and fought criminals.

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I'll never forget you, Mr Batman.

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Now it's time for breakneck action hit X-Men First Class.

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But that isn't a history class,

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as while they may be flashing back to 1944...

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that photo of Einstein was taken in 1947.

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Class dismissed.

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Here's James McAvoy as superhero Professor Xavier.

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But every superhero has his weakness and for Xavier, it's windows.

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See that?

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I read the teleporter's mind.

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Ouch! He bangs his head against the glass.

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Curse you, window, I'll get you next time!

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I read the teleporter's mind.

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Now have the animators made an error here? Look at Emma Frost -

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she's the one that's a woman.

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When she changes from diamonds back to human

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her hairstyle changes.

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Here it's loose.

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Now tied back.

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We don't harm our own kind.

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With her hair in that state, she must have been made from uncut diamonds.

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On to the let down that was Green Lantern

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and this guy is ecstatic because all day, he's been trying to keep

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his slippery headphones on his head and now he's finally made them...

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Oh. Oh well. Back to the drawing board.

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It's Ken Branagh's smart take on Thor.

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But where's the cock-up?

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As Dylan says, the answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.

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Look at that stiff breeze blowing their hair across their faces...

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that suddenly disappears... and it returns.

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Misquoting Dylan again, let's hope, at that height, they're not sitting on the eves of destruction.

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I try, I fail.

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I'm going to get everything back.

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In this scene, it's tipping it down with rain

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and everyone's getting soaking wet.

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Apart from the guy from The Hurt Locker,

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who keeps a dry face at all times.

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With that condition, he must get through a hell of a lot of Nivea.

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And now, more movie storyline flaws are reviewed and laid bare in...

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In the hard-edged, pacy sci-fi thriller, District 9,

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crashed ali-ons are stranded in Johannesburg and are forced

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to live as second-class citizens in a ghetto

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policed by a big corporation and Nigerian gangsters who sell them cat food.

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What everyone wants is the ali-ons' incredible superguns

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that can fire pigs and that.

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Hang on, incredible superguns?

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Red alert, those with massively superior weaponry

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don't tend to stay second-class citizens

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for much longer than it takes them to get their massively superior weaponry out.

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Tell you what, I'm getting a bit fed up with being oppressed.

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Too right, I mean there's only so much of this us ali-ons can take.

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You know, after 28 years of relentless abuse

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and slum-dwelling,

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I'm almost tempted to get the incredible superguns

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that only us ali-ons can use, and show these humans who's boss.

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On the other hand, cat food...

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Yup, yup, the cat food is nice and even with our ali-on ability

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to build superior weaponry and gigantic spacecraft

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that can hover powerlessly in the sky for decades,

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there's no guarantee that we'd be any good at making cat food.

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Yes, might as well sit tight and wait for the white man

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with the pretty arm to help us.

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Yeah.

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More Whiskas?

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Hello and welcome to Pointless View,

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the programme where you have the chance to blow off about the things that really ruin films for you.

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You know how it is.

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It's impossible to follow a story if a flag's upside down, isn't it?

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I personally had Braveheart ruined for me by an errant tartan

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and Mel Gibson not being a blue 13th-century Scotsman,

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but a brownish 20th-century Australian.

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Here's a letter from Zorro Madeley of Funningham.

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How was I expected to enjoy the wizardry-pokery of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows

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when it featured a bus bound for Dartford, to the south,

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seen taking the tunnel north,

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even though southbound traffic takes the bridge?

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There hasn't been a southbound tunnel at Dartford since 1991.

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From that point on, I felt it impossible

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to believe in the enchanted chosen one of Hogwarts.

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I'm not an idiot.

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Precious Haystacks of Bumley says this.

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In the so-called King's Speech,

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the eponymous King's eponymous speech is enjoyed live

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by a group of factory workers. It was broadcast at 6pm on a Sunday,

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so the only factory operating at such a time in a Christian country like Great Britain

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would have been one run by Satan.

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Am I to believe that our King would broadcast to the minions of hell?

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I'm not an idiot.

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Wing Commander Flava Tebbit is exercised by the shape of melted sand.

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As someone who only watches films for the glassware in them,

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I was enraged by the John Lennon biopic Nowhere Boy,

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in which the Beatle-to-be is seen drinking from a nonic pint glass,

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a type not invented until nearly three years after the scene was set.

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I'm not a man given to tears, but I cried for nearly a fortnight,

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and am now taking medicine.

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I'm not an idiot.

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I'm glad to hear it, Wing Commander.

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A Mr Puff Diddy Hamilton of Underdunderden says...

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I'm known for my sense of humour, and have laughed twice,

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but I failed to see the joke in Drive Angry,

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when a hydrogen truck is shown

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labelled with a hazardous material placard bearing the number 1075.

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1075, as any film buff knows, is the UN number for propane.

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Hydrogen is in the range 1048-1053,

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and I shall be returning the director's pretty young wife

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to him piece by piece until this is corrected.

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I'm not an idiot.

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Blind Lemon Palmer-Tomkinson of Walton-on-Toast is even more forthright.

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In the Kate Hudson film A Little Bit Of Heaven,

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one of the characters calls a radio station to enter a competition.

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My enjoyment was quite ruined by the absence of a squeal of feedback,

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such as would have been heard.

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-Hello?

-'Who is this?'

-Marley Corbett. Did I win?

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I'm sure plenty of people would have liked to hear a howl of interference

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and painful high-pitched whistling in this otherwise rather quiet film.

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I'm not an idiot.

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Pontius Bon Jovi of Gloveswold has a bee in his ointment

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about the Anne Hathaway film Love And Other Drugs.

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Jake Gyllenhaaaal's character is seen to be using an iMac

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attached to an Apple Pro Mouse in what's supposed to be 1996.

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But the Pro wasn't available until 2000.

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To my disappointment, this time-travelling subplot wasn't picked up on anywhere in the film.

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Perhaps the makers were worried that

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if Jake Gyllenhaaaal were able to travel four years into the future,

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it would ruin the will-they, won't-they romance.

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I was sick in my mouth and someone else's and went home.

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I'm not an idiot.

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But it's not all bad news.

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This letter is from Seven Zark Mountbatten of The Isle Of Teeth.

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I usually enjoy the films of Angelina Jolie,

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who is a beautiful and striking woman.

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But in Salt, her character's name was Chenkov, a Russian male surname.

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The female version would, of course, be Chenkova.

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As a result of this error, I have become homosexual,

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a consequence both unexpected and fabulous.

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I'm not an idiot.

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A satisfied customer? Good night.

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