Episode 5 Great Movie Mistakes

The most popular genre of the moment seems to be the superheroes.

Spiderman, Superman, Natalie Port-man, X-Men, that's another one.

I've always found their name confusing.

X-Men, they're ex-men. So they're women.

If that's the case, I suppose that explains

why I fancy Wolverine so very much.

Everyone is quick to talk about superheroes, but no-one

is interested in the real life heroes.

For me, my hero in life has always been my old English teacher.

He was caring and passionate, a real inspiration to all he taught

and by night, he donned a mask and cape

and went out and fought criminals.

I'll never forget you, Mr Batman.

Now it's time for breakneck action hit X-Men First Class.

But that isn't a history class,

as while they may be flashing back to 1944...

that photo of Einstein was taken in 1947.

Class dismissed.

Here's James McAvoy as superhero Professor Xavier.

But every superhero has his weakness and for Xavier, it's windows.

See that?

I read the teleporter's mind.

Ouch! He bangs his head against the glass.

Curse you, window, I'll get you next time!

I read the teleporter's mind.

Now have the animators made an error here? Look at Emma Frost -

she's the one that's a woman.

When she changes from diamonds back to human

her hairstyle changes.

Here it's loose.

Now tied back.

We don't harm our own kind.

With her hair in that state, she must have been made from uncut diamonds.

On to the let down that was Green Lantern

and this guy is ecstatic because all day, he's been trying to keep

his slippery headphones on his head and now he's finally made them...

Oh. Oh well. Back to the drawing board.

It's Ken Branagh's smart take on Thor.

But where's the cock-up?

As Dylan says, the answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.

Look at that stiff breeze blowing their hair across their faces...

that suddenly disappears... and it returns.

Misquoting Dylan again, let's hope, at that height, they're not sitting on the eves of destruction.

I try, I fail.

I'm going to get everything back.

In this scene, it's tipping it down with rain

and everyone's getting soaking wet.

Apart from the guy from The Hurt Locker,

who keeps a dry face at all times.

With that condition, he must get through a hell of a lot of Nivea.

And now, more movie storyline flaws are reviewed and laid bare in...

In the hard-edged, pacy sci-fi thriller, District 9,

crashed ali-ons are stranded in Johannesburg and are forced

to live as second-class citizens in a ghetto

policed by a big corporation and Nigerian gangsters who sell them cat food.

What everyone wants is the ali-ons' incredible superguns

that can fire pigs and that.

Hang on, incredible superguns?

Red alert, those with massively superior weaponry

don't tend to stay second-class citizens

for much longer than it takes them to get their massively superior weaponry out.

Tell you what, I'm getting a bit fed up with being oppressed.

Too right, I mean there's only so much of this us ali-ons can take.

You know, after 28 years of relentless abuse

and slum-dwelling,

I'm almost tempted to get the incredible superguns

that only us ali-ons can use, and show these humans who's boss.

On the other hand, cat food...

Yup, yup, the cat food is nice and even with our ali-on ability

to build superior weaponry and gigantic spacecraft

that can hover powerlessly in the sky for decades,

there's no guarantee that we'd be any good at making cat food.

Yes, might as well sit tight and wait for the white man

with the pretty arm to help us.

Yeah.

More Whiskas?

Hello and welcome to Pointless View,

the programme where you have the chance to blow off about the things that really ruin films for you.

You know how it is.

It's impossible to follow a story if a flag's upside down, isn't it?

I personally had Braveheart ruined for me by an errant tartan

and Mel Gibson not being a blue 13th-century Scotsman,

but a brownish 20th-century Australian.

Here's a letter from Zorro Madeley of Funningham.

How was I expected to enjoy the wizardry-pokery of Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows

when it featured a bus bound for Dartford, to the south,

seen taking the tunnel north,

even though southbound traffic takes the bridge?

There hasn't been a southbound tunnel at Dartford since 1991.

From that point on, I felt it impossible

to believe in the enchanted chosen one of Hogwarts.

I'm not an idiot.

Precious Haystacks of Bumley says this.

In the so-called King's Speech,

the eponymous King's eponymous speech is enjoyed live

by a group of factory workers. It was broadcast at 6pm on a Sunday,

so the only factory operating at such a time in a Christian country like Great Britain

would have been one run by Satan.

Am I to believe that our King would broadcast to the minions of hell?

I'm not an idiot.

Wing Commander Flava Tebbit is exercised by the shape of melted sand.

As someone who only watches films for the glassware in them,

I was enraged by the John Lennon biopic Nowhere Boy,

in which the Beatle-to-be is seen drinking from a nonic pint glass,

a type not invented until nearly three years after the scene was set.

I'm not a man given to tears, but I cried for nearly a fortnight,

and am now taking medicine.

I'm not an idiot.

I'm glad to hear it, Wing Commander.

A Mr Puff Diddy Hamilton of Underdunderden says...

I'm known for my sense of humour, and have laughed twice,

but I failed to see the joke in Drive Angry,

when a hydrogen truck is shown

labelled with a hazardous material placard bearing the number 1075.

1075, as any film buff knows, is the UN number for propane.

Hydrogen is in the range 1048-1053,

and I shall be returning the director's pretty young wife

to him piece by piece until this is corrected.

I'm not an idiot.

Blind Lemon Palmer-Tomkinson of Walton-on-Toast is even more forthright.

In the Kate Hudson film A Little Bit Of Heaven,

one of the characters calls a radio station to enter a competition.

My enjoyment was quite ruined by the absence of a squeal of feedback,

such as would have been heard.

-Hello?

-'Who is this?'

-Marley Corbett. Did I win?

I'm sure plenty of people would have liked to hear a howl of interference

and painful high-pitched whistling in this otherwise rather quiet film.

I'm not an idiot.

Pontius Bon Jovi of Gloveswold has a bee in his ointment

about the Anne Hathaway film Love And Other Drugs.

Jake Gyllenhaaaal's character is seen to be using an iMac

attached to an Apple Pro Mouse in what's supposed to be 1996.

But the Pro wasn't available until 2000.

To my disappointment, this time-travelling subplot wasn't picked up on anywhere in the film.

Perhaps the makers were worried that

if Jake Gyllenhaaaal were able to travel four years into the future,

it would ruin the will-they, won't-they romance.

I was sick in my mouth and someone else's and went home.

I'm not an idiot.

But it's not all bad news.

This letter is from Seven Zark Mountbatten of The Isle Of Teeth.

I usually enjoy the films of Angelina Jolie,

who is a beautiful and striking woman.

But in Salt, her character's name was Chenkov, a Russian male surname.

The female version would, of course, be Chenkova.

As a result of this error, I have become homosexual,

a consequence both unexpected and fabulous.

I'm not an idiot.

A satisfied customer? Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd