22/08/2014 On the Air


22/08/2014

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Good morning, Gerry. There's an awful lot of people working for you.

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What do you mean? I have a team around me.

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Where's my team? I don't have a team. Only him in there.

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Have you ever had the notion they're trying to push you out?

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You're one step closer to...

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A lot of people envy my slot. ..the scrap heap?

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You're so mean. Right, go away now! Bye. Bye.

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There's a call on one. Hello. Hello, Gerry? Yes?

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Gerry, did you see the chap on yesterday about hypnotising the hen?

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Let me explain this to the listeners.

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We were talking yesterday about the occurrence of a man.

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He used to go around the schools and bring a hen into the classroom

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to display to the children what a strange and wonderful world this is.

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He'd get a piece of chalk and draw a long straight line on the floor.

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He'd get a piece of chalk and draw a long straight line on the floor. That's it.

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Then he'd put the hen on its side so its eye would look along the white line.

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That's it.

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And the hen would never move unless someone came into the line of vision or broke the line of the line.

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We went out and got a hen.

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You got a hen?! Oh, you had some outside grazing.

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Aye. I put a line on the floor here, put her down on the line and she hasn't moved since.

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That's nearly 24 hours. It's 24 and three quarters going on...

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24...45...55.

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It's going on for 25 hours.

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So you can tell me from experience yesterday that it works.

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You can say 25 hours. I'm gonna have to lift her, Gerry. She's a laying hen and she didn't lay yesterday.

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She's due to lay today. I had a feel and there's an egg in her.

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You had a bit of a feel? Aye.

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So there's one in the breech? Aye.

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How do I get her out of this?

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If I were you, the logical way to approach this would be to get yourself a wet cloth.

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Right. Did you make the line with chalk? Aye, yeah.

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Start at the end of it. Will I do that now?

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Yeah. And start rubbing it out.

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Hold on, hold on.

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I had to cover her in a blanket last night in case she came to in the middle of the night.

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You're not making this up? No. She's here.

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I'm getting worried about her now. She's breathing all right.

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You'd think she was dead but she's just still.

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She might need artificial insem... No!

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HE LAUGHS Make sure you go to the right end!

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Will you come back to me when...

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I'm going to do it here now. Talk me through it.

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I'll have to put the phone down. Go ahead.

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CHAIR SCRAPES ON FLOOR

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Let's hope that wasn't the hen!

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This is a genuine happening here.

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Hold on, Gerry. I'm explaining to the listeners. Come back when you're ready.

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A lot of radio presenters would use this as a comedy piece but this isn't a comedy piece.

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GLASS SMASHING/CRASHING BANGING

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Watch her!

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CHICKEN CLUCKS FURIOUSLY

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Get away from the window!

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COMMOTION CONTINUES

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GLASS SMASHES

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Let her out! Let her out!

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I'll have her out!

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Something's gone badly wrong here.

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FOOTSTEPS

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Gerry, hold on.

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I think there's something gone wrong there.

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What happened?

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She flew out there window and wrecked the statue here.

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It's like a family thing. Child of Prague. There's broken bits here.

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I'm going to have to go, Gerry. The wife's in. It's Gerry Anderson.

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I don't blame you, Gerry. I know you started it but I don't blame you.

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It's my own fault, right? We'll get back to you when you come round.

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Bye. Bye. OK. Bye.

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Did you hear what happened there?

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I think I did.

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What happened is the hen went berserk and knocked down the Child of Prague statue.

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Do you know what that means?

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Bad luck, is it?

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It's not good.

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Morning, Gerry.

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Remember, Stephen, you said why don't they do an animated cartoon of you and I said...?

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A cartoon.

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If we got a football and a golf ball and put hair on the golf ball, that's his head and that's it done!

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But we can't do it because not a lot of people have widescreen.

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I've had enough of this. You're in the studio...

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You don't like it? I don't. I want my own cartoon. It's ridiculous! Nobody likes him in Belfast.

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No-one likes me in Derry either!

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He comes here and he struts around in the suit and he has his little apartment and his Merc. His Mercedes.

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It's pathetic! I don't care.

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Goodbye. Goodbye.

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OK, bye. Wait till you hear this. You heard this yesterday

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but you wouldn't pass this on to me. You know what this is. Stop it.

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You know what this is. Yes but people don't want to know. This is where you're wrong.

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This programme could be better. There are things that you don't like.

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That's right. Things you don't like me talking about. No! I didn't know how to broach this.

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Why didn't you tell me? I didn't know...

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There's things that embarrass you because you're a nice Catholic lad

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and I'm a bad young Catholic lad. I'm not as nice as you

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and there are things that I like talking about that you don't.

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So you don't tell me things that I'd talk about...

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We wondered...

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You kept this back from me. This is the greatest thing I have ever heard

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and you never told me because you don't think it's nice. Let's put it out to the people.

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No! A man rang this programme...

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You're embarrassed because you can't believe I'll tell the people this.

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I know.

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A man rang this programme yesterday claiming to be a doctor.

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Yes, "claiming". Didn't I say, "claiming to be a doctor"? Yes. Yes.

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He said that when he was a student doctor...

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he was involved in artificial insemination.

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You don't like that do you? No. Right.

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But what he actually did was...

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People donated - and I hope you don't mind this, the children listening -

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their sperm.

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He had to separate the Catholic sperm from the Protestant sperm.

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Now, I leave it up to you,

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is that true?

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I tend to believe it because, after all, this is Northern Ireland.

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The sperm aren't Catholic or Protestant but they came from Catholic people.

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If a sperm comes from a Catholic person...

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Did you see the match last night?

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You see! This is what's wrong with you. This is why I'm in this seat and you're not -

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because you won't take a chance.

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You're worried in case neighbours or people in the street talk about this. Do you know what I am, Sean?

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I'm a beacon of truth. I'll talk about Catholic and Protestant sperm if it kills me!

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Unless they sack me! By thunder, so be it!

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You know...the...the...that sell the, um, fake imitation lea-lea-leather coats?

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They're in Cullybackey.

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Why not engage in this? Why will you not join me in deciding

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whether or not there are Catholic sperm and Protestant sperm...? Oh... You see, you know,

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you've no imagination. I want to know if that's true. Any trainee doctors out there,

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maybe they could tell me if that's the truth?

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Do they separate the sperm of Catholic people from Protestant people?

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You don't even like the word sperm. Eurgh.

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Sperm.

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Why are you so embarrassed? You are so embarrassed.

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There's a call on one. Hello.

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Hello, good morning.

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Good morning, Sean, er, Gerry. That's all right. That's me. Don't worry.

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I spoke to Sean and got muddled up. It could happen to a bishop.

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Well, it's happened to me this morning. I was opening a tin of corned beef

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and I've just cut my finger. The blood's pouring out of my finger here.

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How charming(!) It's awful. I hope you're OK. Well,

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I have lost half a pint of blood. Could you find out

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from somebody who makes them why they must put the corned beef in square tins with a key on to get them open?

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They're the most awkward thing I've ever tried to get open.

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Keys on corned beef tins.

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It was after opening a tin that I got my finger cut. By thunder. I wondered if you could find out?

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I'll do what I can. I'd be very grateful to you. All right then.

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I would really. OK? OK. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Bye.

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Bye. Thank you. Sean, I want to about the quality of the calls today.

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Excellent, aren't they? Very good.

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Maybe perhaps you could go easy on the corned beef tin calls, you know, for maybe a show or two?

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I think we've covered that.

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd.

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E-mail [email protected]

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What about the man? Er, the lady.

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Where? One. I didn't know about her. ..Good morning.

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I thought you'd never answer! He didn't tell me you were on.

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He's very dour, isn't he?

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Yes, he is, as a matter of fact.

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People don't know what I have to put up with.

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He's abrupt and short.

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People don't realise I'm not being helped at all here.

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At least he got you on the phone.

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But I'm bubbly and gay... Sorry, I'm bubbly and bright!

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OK, what is your name? My name is Karen.

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Do you know why I'm ringing you? I'm having awful trouble with a crow.

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It's attacking my house. I think it's a crow.

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It's been doing this now for four days.

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It's actually sitting up now as we speak, watching my house.

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Is it? It is. Did you ever see that film The Birds?

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That is what it's like.

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If another 5,000 join it, you're in trouble.

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This is what I'm worrying about.

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If it's on its own, I wouldn't worry. Is it tapping your window?

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It's not tapping the window.

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It's actually dive-bombing the window till the blood is running down the window.

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I have a horse and I have him tied up out the back

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because it attacked the horse.

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It attacked a horse? And it hits your windows until the blood flies out of the bird?

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It's self-harm, is that what it's called? Self destruction, yeah.

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A kamikaze. This seems to be like some kind of bird madness.

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It wouldn't be a bad sign?

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I wouldn't worry about that - it's just a bird crazy.

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There are many crazy birds knocking about.

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Well, I know that. We can't get any sleep.

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That's how loud it is.

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And my daughter has even camcordered it and it tried to attack her.

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It's a hell of a bird, that.

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I'll tell you what, I'm sure somebody will ring us with a logical explanation...

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Clingfilm! Yes? Clingfilm will stop the crow.

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Will it? You wrap it in it?

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No, if you put clingfilm at the bottom of the window.

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The bird is seeing its reflection.

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Don't be silly - sure it's at the roof and everything.

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It's not just the window. The thing is trying to demolish the house. Did you not listen?

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Even I know that if it's tapping at the window, it thinks it's its reflection.

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This is a serious crow. It's determined to gain entry.

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Is this crow tapping at the... It's ripping the roof off the bloody house!

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It's trying to demolish the house! It's not trying to tap the window.

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The woman is lying in her bed terrified!

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Your wife's the same, every night you come home.

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What's that noise? I'm doing my ironing.

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At the same time as talking to me?

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Yes. That's a lack of respect. That's a lack of respect.

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Could you please give a thank you to a Mr Geddis?

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Yes? For solving the problem of my septic tank.

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OK, thank you for solving Karen's problem with her septic tank.

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Do you remember I was on the phone months ago about my septic tank?

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Did they tell you to put a chicken in it?

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They told me to put something dead in it. Yes, a chicken will do.

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Well, I got a fox.

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HE LAUGHS

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Can I be turned off? No, this is too good!

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I got a fox. A dead fox?

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I found a fox at the side of the road.

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I didn't kill the fox. Right. Mr Geddis did offer me something.

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What did he offer you? He offered me a donkey.

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^ HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

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LAUGHTER

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That's a bit big, isn't it?

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That's what I said. It wouldn't fit into a septic tank.

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You'd have to bend it over double.

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Would you kill it first before putting it in the tank?

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This is the thing. He'd never kill a donkey.

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It would die of natural causes?

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I had to just go and look for something dead.

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I found a fox and put it in the septic tank

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and everything seems to have come smelling of roses!

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LAUGHTER

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I think we'll just leave it at that.

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No wonder they're attacking you -

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they've heard you've donkeys in your septic tank.

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Anyone knows how to stop...

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Another thing - I need a digger driver.

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LAUGHTER

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Sure, you wouldn't get him into a septic tank!

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LAUGHTER

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He mightn't want to go in!

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GUNSHOT

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Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd - 2006

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E-mail [email protected]

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