Episode 1 Radio Face

'Stand by, as the listeners to the biggest radio show

'in the country are given their own TV show.

'Norman.

'Anne-Marie.

'Marie.

'Bertie.

'Carmel.

'Mervyn and Heidi.

'Radio Face is not recorded live

'but, after the programme has finished,

'these are real listeners to The Nolan Show

'continuing the conversation while I stay in the studio

'and they speak to me from their own homes and cars.'

ON RADIO: 'We're talking about benefits once again on the programme'

this morning, and the whole issue of welfare reform.

Here's the question...

do you have sympathy for people who are having their benefits cut?

I can tell you right now,

the phones are going boogaloo about this already this morning.

'People who sit on benefits have no interest in working,

'and not only that, their children have no interest in working,

'and then their grandchildren have no interest in working. It needs to stop!'

Why don't they go out and get a real job?

Why don't they go out and get a real job? No, do you know why?

The money's too handy these days.

The money's too handy. They don't want to work.

I call them wasters.

And you see all these wasters. None of them get out of bed for anything.

Sometimes, they'll get up

and go out for a packet of cigarettes or a newspaper.

People on benefits are dossers.

Have you ever seen?

There's a lot of people out there that's on fucking benefits

that's trying to get a job.

But, sure, they're letting people into this fucking country

that's taking jobs away from us.

There are jobs out there, but lots of people don't want to do the jobs

that other people are prepared to do, coming from other countries.

That is something that I don't...

Why can't you just do a job in the meantime,

just to cover yourself, and then whenever a better job

or a better opportunity comes along, you're ready to do it?

Are you on benefits?

Am I on benefits? Aye, I'm on benefits.

-And I'm on benefits.

-So I am.

So you're on benefits.

I'm told that there's a TV on your wall, and a Sky box above it.

Aye, but hold on a minute. But that I have to save for each month.

I have to put away a couple of pound each week to pay for that.

If you go into a house and somebody's on benefits,

-and they've a 50-inch television...

-That's right.

..and a leather sofa, and they're head-to-toe in their branded gear...

-Yes, that's right.

-..they're not too skint.

-No.

But do you know my point there?

My point there is, I need to be honest with you, we need more jobs.

See, someone who is a worker, and I mean a WORKER -

someone who's willing to work - they'll find work.

There's an awful lot of people out there

-that have tried to go for jobs...

-And got knocked back.

..and got knocked back because there's no fucking jobs out there.

Unless you go on minimum wage.

And minimum wage, sure, what's fucking minimum wage?

Sure, it wouldn't even get you a carry-out.

But the whole point of minimum wage is not to buy a carry-out, is it?

The whole point of minimum wage is to have a pride in working

and be able to pay your bills.

Stephen, I was never on the broo in my life.

I worked seven days a week for 30 years.

My wife never seen me, she never hardly.

Because I was always working.

Sure, would you want to work if it's £70, £80 in your pocket every week?

I wouldn't have had it in my pocket by the time I got my house

and paid all my bills.

So I wouldn't. I have to budget for my house.

'People don't know what real poverty is in this country.

'If they haven't got a mobile phone, a plasma TV, a laptop,

'they are crying poverty.

'If they want to see real poverty, go out to Bangladesh or Africa,

'where people are having to poke through rubbish,

'they're feeding off rats, so they are.'

It's interesting, Norman,

cos I have been in people's homes in Northern Ireland

where it has been freezing in the dead of winter,

and they cannot turn the heating on.

Now, in anybody's book, is that not poverty?

And people might say, Norman, bully for you,

comparing your situation to someone that can't afford to turn heating on.

PHONE DISCONNECT TONE

What effect would it have on you if your benefits were cut?

Well, I was only getting Jobseeker's,

and I was on 150 a fortnight.

130... 135, you were on.

A fortnight.

To pay electric out and to pay this out.

They are getting more than what a pensioner gets. So they are.

Yet a pensioner has to live on his pension.

£500 a week, I wouldn't go out to work either,

and that's what's wrong with the system. So it is.

There's hard-working families,

low-paid families who are willing to work,

they're bringing in less than £500 a week

that these people are sitting and getting.

-Justify the benefit system for me. You justify it.

-Well, OK.

I'll try my best in saying, what do you want?

What's the alternative to the benefit system?

Take the money off the people who are getting it

and let them starve on the streets?

That's a little bit of an exaggeration.

Well, then, what is your alternative? Tell me what...?

People aren't starving on the streets.

But they will be if you take the money off them!

Half the time, she ended up coming, between...

Owing the friends and neighbours meals and all this and that.

So if you give anybody 130 a fortnight and see how they can cope

when you still have your bills on top of that.

Would you be able to cope, Stephen?

If you got £135 a fortnight, would you be able to cope?

-No way.

-No, your dinners would cost too much

when you eat out with them big executives.

You've got to help people who need it.

We have already got food banks in Belfast.

Do you think that everyone who's on benefits needs that money?

-That they can't go out and get a job?

-Absolutely not.

Albeit a job that they don't want to do, or feel is beneath them,

or, for whatever reason, they're just not inclined to do it.

I'm going to tell you something now.

There's a fella who lives up my road,

and he never worked in his life, Robert.

And his mother, when he was a wee fella,

about 15, his mother said he had bad nerves.

He had nothing wrong with him at all.

He spends about four times a year in Spain or wherever.

I mean, he is getting paid by the Government.

All the money, he's getting, that he can get.

-And that's a fair wee bit.

-Yeah.

'So this is the thing. The majority of the people aren't ill.

'Like, they get the DLA for their children, that's why they do it.'

'See, you're another one here, "The majority of them aren't ill."

'Who you to say whether they are or not, though?'

-What about the DLA?

-I hate the DLA. I hate the sticks.

Sometimes, you see them coming out with their sticks

and they're walking better.

They're not really using the stick, but it's there as a prop.

Well, you're right, Eileen.

I've seen people up on roofs and all this, and they're getting DLA.

And there's nothing wrong with them.

Is it any wonder the country's in the state it's in?

Do you not want to work?

But we do do work. We're, um...housekeepers.

-So we work more than...

-I'm a full-time mummy.

Bringing up kids and doing dinners, cleaning the house

and that's a job we don't get well paid for.

Give yourself a pat on the back(!)

-Hold on, Anne-Marie. This

-BLEEP

-is trying to say something. Hold on.

Oh, I will let him speak.

Job well done for what? For being a mother?

Yeah. And a 24-hour job.

It's not a nine-to-five job.

Tell you what, it doesn't look like a 24-hour job now,

sitting in the house on your backside.

-They're all at school.

-Hang on. Hold on a minute.

The kids are at school, so when the kids are at school,

you get your cleaning done. And then, after that...

You get your dinner ready for them coming in.

For them coming back in from school.

Then when they come in from school, you have to become a teacher

because you have to help them with their homework.

But, sure, he wouldn't know what it's like.

There are other people out working who are mothers too,

and they're able to combine both jobs. And what do you want?

You want a pat on the back

while you're sitting there watching daytime TV, listening to me.

-Aye.

-Yeah.

In our younger days, when I was younger, I was a hairdresser,

and worked with five kids.

And I was a stitcher when I worked.

So there you are now, don't think we've never, ever worked.

-There's just no jobs now.

-I didn't sit on my arse all my fucking life.

-You sit in your studio...

-On his arse!

..and all you do is let your mouth run off with it.

-Until you have a child, you can go and

-BLEEP.

-Aye.

And here, your mother will be listening to this,

so she'll not be too pleased with you.

-You'll get a wee smack on the arse when you go home.

-Aye.

'You drive up through West Belfast, the DLA cars...

'It's unbelievable, the amount of them.

'If you go back to the 1970s and 1980s,

'disabled people drove three-wheeler blue cars.

'Do you remember this, Stephen?

'See, if I was in charge of DLA cars,

'they would get the cheapest car on the market,

'I would paint the roof black and the bonnet black

'so that everyone knew that they were a DLA car,

'and I'll guarantee you

'the amount of DLA cars on the road would soon diminish.'

I have fibromyalgia, I'm on DLA,

and there's an awful lot of people out there that get DLA

that shouldn't be getting DLA.

There's a lot of people, there's nothing wrong with them.

£300 or £400 a month on DLA.

Well, why would you want to go out and work?

The way the doctor described my disability is...

-It's a form of MS.

-In the long run, I'm going to end up in a wheelchair.

I find the ones that get it are the ones that have no embarrassment

and they've no shame, and they'll say anything. You know?

Where the genuinely ill people will not say it.

It's a very humiliating experience for somebody to ask,

"How far can you walk? Are you incontinent?"

You know, these are private things that you're suffering with.

"Do you wee yourself?"

Aye. They ask you that.

"If you go out, do you bring a change of clothing with you?"

And do you get a free car on DLA?

I have a disability car, yes.

Because I can't walk that much without using my stick.

Well, what kind of car have you...?

-Are you going to head for DLA yourself?

-You going to try for DLA?

You know exactly what some people would say. Some people would say...

Yes, go, tell me what some people would say.

Well, some people would say that for them to have a car,

they've got to go out and work for it.

And if you look at Marie, she's got one handed to her.

-But Marie has worked in her days.

-I have worked.

It's later on in life she's got this crippling illness.

Sure, young people today could be out working

and you don't know where you're going to end up yourself,

you know, in years to come.

If Marie was able to work, Marie would be away, out to work.

'I do 80 hours a week,

'and I have no problem with people getting benefits if they need them.

'There's nothing more degrading than going to the benefit office,

'like I did, after 25 years of working.

'They didn't give me a Blue Peter badge.

'It's, "Here's your money, you're getting £55 a week. Cheerio."'

Do you think people look down on you

because you're from a working-class area?

-Yeah.

-How does that make you feel?

It literally makes you feel like shit.

It makes you feel as if you're not worth anything.

And, at the end of the day, you know, people look at me

and say, "God, she's not sick." But I know I'm sick.

I know I'm not well. I know what I can do and what I can't do.

So what do you think people are saying about you?

Well, other people think they're above people. And if...

People that have money and have big houses think they are something.

It's the area they live in.

But, at the end of the day, they're just human like me.

People shouldn't look down on other people.

So, see people saying that I didn't work - I did work.

I did pay a stamp. So I'm only getting back what I worked.

-What you've put into society.

-What I put into the system.

MUSIC: Dog Days Are Over by Florence + The Machine

'It's 9am, it's The Nolan Show on BBC Radio Ulster.

'And, of course, the role of the programme

'is to give you at home the chance to have your say.

'Pick up the phone.'

Let's see who's on line one.

'If they want to live in the United Kingdom,

'they are to uphold our laws.'

Well, you're going to have to tell me what you mean by that.

'I'm incensed by what you have said.'

'I'm really, really thankful to your show for helping me.'

You took the dirt that he'd thrown out and you smeared it over his car?

'Yes.'

You've got to pinch yourself this morning, don't you,

when you think that Northern Ireland's now national news because of a cake?

'This is a real good news story for once.'

Whatever you think, say it on The Nolan Show,

Monday to Friday at 9am on Radio Ulster

or @StephenNolan on Twitter.

Now, a man known as the Naked Rambler

has had his final appeal to be naked in public

rejected by the European Court Of Human Rights.

The ex-Royal Marine, Stephen Gough,

had argued that his repeated imprisonment

breached his human rights.

He's now been in and out of jail for years, but is he doing any harm?

Should he be allowed to let it all hang out?

Is there a Naked Rambler? What time does he come out?

HE LAUGHS

Done a fair bit of naked rambling, Jan?

'Eight years in prison for getting his bits out?

'Wise up, for goodness' sake.

'We've got to get things into perspective here.

'I mean, there's all sorts of dirty bad boys running about

'that aren't doing those sorts of sentences,

'and there's a man getting eight years.'

Where is that jail? I'll go there myself and join him.

SHE LAUGHS

I don't think he should be allowed to do it.

No, there is a time and a place for willies.

And that isn't the time and place!

And for the likes of holidays, that's different.

You know, you have nudist beaches. That's different. It's secluded.

-Tell me this, would you go onto a nudist beach?

-Would I?

Stephen, see, if you've seen what I look like,

you would know I wouldn't go to a nudist beach. Because...

They'd be getting Greenpeace in for a beached whale!

Hang on, Anne-Marie, do you ever look at yourself?

-Two beached whales!

-That's better. Include yourself in that one.

You're like us, too.

Sure, why don't we all go down to Newcastle, you, me and Marie,

and we'll all strip naked and lie on the beach?

Aye, we'll all be beached whales.

-And the Greenpeace will come for the three of us.

-Yeah.

He's not doing any harm, Stephen.

You know, whether you see his bits or not.

Sure, for God's sake, Stephen, I'm a woman of the world -

I've seen bits before. All sorts of bits.

Large bits, small bits, medium bits,

round-the-corner bits.

All sorts of bits.

Now, what about your bits, Stephen?

No, I haven't had my fair share,

but do you know how long I've been on my own?

30 years, boy.

That would do me the world of good.

I would be smiling from morning to night.

THEY LAUGH

What would you say if he knocked on your door?

I would say, "Come on in! You're cold!

"Do you want me to warm that up?"

Imagine Crawley or Conor Bradford

running up and down the Armagh Road, you know, nude.

# Rock me, mama, like a wagon wheel

# Rock me, mama, any way you feel... #

They'd be trying to take £50 notes off of you to hide their modesty.

# Oh, rock me... #

Oh, we're rocking here in the studio. Whoo!

I suppose I would do that, you know, myself.

But not out in public, Stephen!

Because if I went out in public they'd say,

"Well, whatever that woman's got, she needs it ironed.

"Hello, missus, you need to iron that!"

Radio Face, where the stars of the Nolan radio programme

get their own TV show.

'You might wish to stay on and listen...'

RADIO STATIC

# Television, the drug of the nation

# Breeding ignorance and feeding radiation

# On television... #

Next up, is it time to scrap the BBC licence fee?

-Do you think you get value for money?

-No.

It's not worth it, because the BBC...

There's very little on the BBC that you watch.

And it's all repeats!

Everything's a repeat on the BBC.

Yeah, the only thing that Anne-Marie watches is EastEnders.

-EastEnders.

-And that's it.

-And I don't even watch BBC Two.

And then what you have to sit and think about too -

people that's on Income Support, Jobseeker's,

why are they getting charged the same price

as people that are out working?

That's what I can't fucking understand.

What were you like before benefits?

You're sitting there, smoking, with your drink and your TV,

talking about what you can and can't afford.

Aye, but we pay for our channels.

We've got cable in, so we pay for them.

If I want to smoke, I'll smoke.

If I want to have a drink, I'll drink.

If you want to smoke, you'll smoke.

But don't be crying to me that you can't afford the BBC.

Here, do you pay your TV licence?

-Do you pay YOUR licence?

-Oh, I pay my licence.

I pay my licence every fortnight, so I do.

I tell you what, I will be asking to see.

I'll be asking to see the receipts of your TV licence fee

to make sure you are paying for me!

-Well, I'll tell you something. Go and

-BLEEP.

'What I would like to say is maybe the BBC need to make a few changes.

'Anybody that's unemployed or on sickness benefits

'shouldn't pay a TV licence.'

Stephen, I begrudge paying my licence fee.

When there's high unemployment,

you will find people will not pay the licence fee,

for the simple reason they can't afford £145 out of their benefits.

And the licence fee van will not go into these areas,

because it's afraid to go into them.

But it would come into my area to see if I'm paying the licence fee.

So it will.

There's a television at number 69.

They're watching Radio Face.

John in Belfast. Morning, John.

'Hello, Stephen.

'Stephen, the BBC now has lost the moral high ground.

'They're now saying that every home...

'They're trying to push that every home has to pay for a TV licence.

'And if they don't, they will use anti-terrorism legislation

'to track them down, take them to court, fine them and possibly...'

I don't know where you're getting the anti-terrorism legislation from.

'That's what they use to catch licence fee dodgers.

'Anti-terrorism legislation.'

Do you think the BBC is value for money, John?

'No, I do not.

'Because all you get is nothing but repeat after repeat after repeat.'

It's 40p a day for everything on the BBC.

You think of the breadth of service that you're getting.

When I see the squander at the BBC, £20,000 a week on taxi fares.

When I see the lavish hotels that they're staying in

and the parties that they're having,

and people like Gary Lineker,

who's on about £2 million a year...

..well, that gets up my nose, so it does.

Is the radio working?

-No, I don't think so.

-Is the football on?

Why is it so dear, just to watch BBC One or BBC Two?

Because of the quality you get.

What quality?

You get the quality on the TV, not the programme.

You got a good TV, you get good quality.

At the end of the day...

I'm not... I'm talking about the quality of the show!

We know what you're talking about, so we do.

Sing along at home with William!

What do you think, for example...

Let's talk about close to home - what do you think of Radio Ulster?

Do you know who I love?

The wee man from Strabane.

Love Hugo Duncan.

We're rocking here in the studio. Whoo!

# Rock me, mama, like the wind and the rain

# Rock me, mama, like a southbound train

# Hey, hey, hey

# Mama, rock me... #

Every winter, when the house is full, watching with William.

Hugo Duncan is the greatest man on Earth and the kindest man.

-And his music is great.

-His music would do your head in!

No, his music wouldn't do your head in!

It gives me a lift and gives me a bit of joy.

If you live on your own like me, and not able to get about much,

that's what I look forward to.

It's like a doctor's tonic to me, so it is.

See, I can't read newspapers or anything like that,

so it's my oxygen. Keeps me alive.

Give us a wee dance.

Lovely stuff!

40-odd-p a day, what is there to argue about about that? 40p a day.

-That's...

-You're taking it literally. You don't...

If you don't want to pay for something in this day and age,

you shouldn't have to be forced to do it.

Everybody gets those stupid letters, even me gets them.

I don't think people should have to pay a licence at all.

At all.

Well, you listen, for example, to Radio Ulster every morning.

Well, that doesn't matter. Well, that doesn't matter.

I have had that radio from before you were born, son.

ANT LAUGHS

Just because you've had it for years,

it doesn't mean you shouldn't pay for it.

No, no, but that was given to me by a health worker,

so therefore I was entitled to that radiator.

"Radiator"!

Radio. Yes.

But it's not the radio that you're paying for,

it's not the instrument. It's the broadcast you're paying for.

Well, all I listen to is Nolan...

Morning, noon and night, and even at night, that old 105 thing.

So I do.

But the 105 is paid for by advertisers.

Who's going to pay for the BBC if you're not paying for a licence?

Well, I shouldn't, because they should advertise a wee bit as well.

I don't want to be sitting, watching a good show on television

and then, all of a sudden, he says, "Compare! Go compare! Go compare!

"Get your nice insurance!" Oh, come on now. Be honest.

But the BBC advertises its own programmes

-in between its programmes.

-You can't... Well...

-What's the difference?

-You can't watch a good movie on ITV.

You watch it on ITV - you're watching some great scene,

the next minute there's some buckin' eejit trying to sell you...

-He gave you the thumbs up.

-What?

-He gave you the thumbs up, that man.

-Did he?

You were too busy yakking on.

..trying to sell you insurance or something.

# Over there, over there

# Send the word, send the word over there... #

Do you think the BBC is good quality?

-No, I think the BBC's rubbish.

-A load of rubbish.

-Apart from...

Yes, I have watched your show.

Your show is good, and it does cover an awful lot of things. But...

-Licker!

-What you do you mean, "licker"?

-Oh, you're a

-BLEEP. BLEEP

-off, Anne-Marie!

-Just because he's on! Licker!

-I'm not licking.

I'm not licking, so I'm not.

But, at the end of the day, his show does cover things, right?

His show... There is people on his show that will talk about things

that don't get said.

They're only allowed to say a certain amount,

and then they're edited out or cut out.

"Oh, you can't say that, it's political incorrect."

If you've got a story for The Nolan Show,

the production team behind the scenes are ready to fight your corner.

You're not going to believe this story. This is a classic, right?

So here's the thing.

This woman sees a guy throwing rubbish out of his car window.

So he's driving along the road doing this, she starts to follow him,

follows him right to the point where he stops the car, gets out.

He walks into a shop. What does she do?

She gets out of the car, lifts up the gravy chips

that he's bumped out of the window,

and smears them all over his windscreen.

You wouldn't believe it!

'I was waiting for my kids

'to come out of the movie house in Newtownards and, um...

'there was four people sitting in a nice, shiny, lovely BMW

'in front of me.

'And, as they got out of the car, the lady,

'she just put her empty carton of food underneath the car.

'And I just saw a red mist and, um...

'I got out of the car and I looked in the box,

'and there was gravy and there was some chips.

'So I squeezed them all over the windscreen.

'Yeah, wiped them over the windscreen. And, um...'

You did what?

'Yeah, and I felt really good about it!'

SHE LAUGHS

So you took the dirt that he'd thrown out

and you smeared it over his car?

'Yes, his lovely, shiny BMW.'

I would say good on her. Good on her, Stephen.

If I'd seen someone dropping a rubbish chip paper with chips on it

out of their car, and if I was walking past,

I'd sit it on their bonnet, so I would.

The same as these people that... Their dogs fouling outside my house.

If I caught one, I'd put it in his pocket

and tell him to take it home with him.

-You'd put it in his pocket?

-I would.

-You'd put the dog dirt in his pocket?

-I would if I could.

I'd lift it with a paper and put it in his pocket,

tell him to take it home with him. Take his own dirt home.

-Ah!

-We'll have to get refills.

-Aye.

-You've some in the fridge?

SHE LAUGHS

Yeah, all right, Carmel.

I tell you something.

If I ever see you throw one wee bit of newspaper out,

one wee bit of sweetie paper out,

I'm going to do the same on your motor,

-see how you like it.

-Right.

Well, you know, Carmel, that will never occur,

because I'm a law-abiding, tidy citizen.

-Ach!

-So, shut up.

'This is happening everywhere.

'They sit in their fancy cars or whatever sort of car they have,

'and they're eating their chips,

'and they are throwing chips out that they don't want.'

'I couldn't believe how lazy and how dirty they were.'

A BMW driver, too. They had a few bob.

-What a waste of a good gravy chip, though, mind you!

-Well done!

-I would have done exactly the same.

-I can't stand litter louts.

'If anybody would damage my car,

'I would actually say that there was criminal damage.'

Well, you're not damaging the car, for a start.

That woman never damaged his motor. A bit of water, wash it off!

-Same thing.

-I think she's great!

I think it is so funny, Bobby!

What she should have done,

she should have thrown the stuff in the bin

and wrote the guy a note, said what she liked to him.

CARMEL LAUGHS

Oh, the excitement of it! I would have loved... I would love that.

The excitement of it, Bobby.

He was in a public place, and he was making a mess. I can't stand...

You know what really annoys me? People who roll down their window

and flick their fag butts out or cans of Coke. Blimmin'... Like...

They may as well bring their wheelie bin into the back of the car

-and bump it out, the way they behave.

-I have no stomach for it.

It's disgusting!

Did you know Stephen Nolan had a Renault Megane with a sunroof on?

Oh, hello.

And the car was that dirty, he lifted out tin cans and paper bags

-and threw them out the car.

-Gosh.

-He should have been jailed!

-Oh, it's disgusting.

One morning, I walked into dog dirt,

and I came in and it was walked over my carpets in the house.

-So now I have to walk...

-So your dog does its doo-doos too?

And I've seen it hanging on hedges, so I have.

I've seen it pushed down drains.

Hanging on hedges?

They put it in a bag, but they don't take the bag home with them.

They hang it on a hedge.

Hang it on a hedge or push it down the drain.

We're just a dirty country, that's plain and simple.

Dirty people in a dirty country.

Next time on Radio Face...

Here, see, to be honest with you, if I wore a skirt,

to be honest, it would be my business, it would be none of yours.

To be honest with you.

I'm hoping it covered your business!

THEY LAUGH

If you're desperate enough, you will eat anything,

even your best friend -

you'd eat his flesh to stay alive, so you would.

You'd drink your own urine to stay alive.

I don't like to look at, to be in the presence of...

someone, a woman, who is wearing a burqa.

-It's a human being!

-It's my choice. I don't like it.

There is a human being underneath that burqa.

MLA, do you know what it stands for?

Member of the Lunatic Asylum.

Why do you not like Simon Hamilton from the DUP?

'Well, because, like, whenever he comes on with this beard on him,

'and these glasses on, and his hair all nicely combed...

'The man would give you asthma.'

I've three shih tzus and looking at my wee three shih tzus,

I don't think I could kill them.

I'm looking at their wee faces.

And trying to eat them? Eurgh!

-No.

-Please, no. They shouldn't be doing that.