Episode 2 Radio Face

Stand by as the listeners to the biggest radio show in the country

are given their own TV show.

Norman.

Anne-Marie.

Marie.

Bertie.

Carmel.

Melvyn and Heidi.

Radio Face is not recorded live,

but after the programme has finished,

these are real listeners to The Nolan Show continuing the conversation

while I stay in the studio

and they speak to me from their own homes and cars.

Next up, are MLAs being unfairly clobbered

over their pay and expenses?

Assembly members have received a thousand-pound cut in their expenses.

Now, that's on top of a proposed six-year pay freeze

for Stormont politicians, so what do you think?

48 grand, do you think that's about the right level to pay these people?

Shove it up them, Stephen, that's what I say.

They want to try living on my pension at £7,000 a year.

-Morning, Andy.

-Good morning, Stephen.

I'm tired of them sitting up there scratching their backsides

-doing nothing.

-Some of them are working very hard.

People are starving...

when they're not even earning 10,000, Stephen.

They're sitting, getting £48,000.

That's obscene, the money they're getting.

They want to get rid of the whole lot of them, sure, they're useless.

There are a useless pack of sugars.

Stephen, I've told you before we have politicians in Stormont -

half of them are farmers, half of them are lawyers.

-Hello, ladies.

-Hello.

-Jim Allister.

How can that combination run an economy?

You can't look at the whole of Stormont and say no good.

Look where we are, 20 years ago, you couldn't have walked

-up the street without fear of a bomb going off.

-Yeah.

You don't have that fear any more.

MLA - do you know what it stands for? Member of a Lunatic Asylum.

What do you think of them? BERTIE LAUGHS

What do I think of some of them?

Some of them would make good road-sweepers.

They're fucking doing nothing, they're doing shit-all.

The people got them where they fucking are

and they're still doing shit-all for their people.

If they haven't done anything in 30 years,

they may as well just give the job to somebody else.

Get real. Many of them are doing their very, very best.

Many of them are working day and night to try to change things.

Well, who's going to do their job?

Get some students out of the universities.

But all those politicians that we have now

-were students at universities.

-Aye, I know, but then they've got hooked

-on the money, you see, like Stephen.

-And the next...

I could do a better job at Stormont

than what these politicians are doing

because I could, with a stroke of a pen,

I could save this country millions.

I'd get rid of the North-South bodies,

the Ulster Scots, the Irish language -

money that's being wasted.

They're throwing money about like confetti - flag protests,

parades, policing, the whole budget's out of control.

If I had my way, I would write Stormont out of the whole lot

of them, so I would, and close it down.

Ordinary working people who are out working day and night

to try and get a living are going to have the tax credits cut,

they're going to drive families into poverty.

Edwina Currie was on the radio saying there's nobody really poor

and there's nobody really starving.

Well, yeah, I had heard her morning, all right.

-EDWINA CURRIE:

-Are you telling me people in this country

-are going hungry?

-Absolutely.

-Seriously?

-Seriously.

-Seriously?

You don't think people are having to make a choice these days

as to whether to eat or heat?

-I don't think people in this country go hungry.

-Yes, but...

Are these people at the same time maybe buying the odd lottery ticket,

do they just occasionally have a cigarette? You know, I mean,

somewhere along the line, does food come as the first priority?

I'd like to have some of these starving people in Britain produced.

But I'll tell you something,

I'd love her to live on fucking the wages that we've got.

Sure, she made her fame with eggs, Edwina Currie,

so I wouldn't really worry about her.

People that has to go to foodbanks are, at the end of the day,

-at their lowest...

-At the end of their tether, like.

Edwina Currie doesn't have to go to the foodbanks.

Put it this way, Stephen, see if you had to go to the foodbank,

-what way would you feel?

-I'd feel awful.

-Yeah.

-Well, then, there you are now.

-At the end of the day,

Edwina Currie should actually put herself in other people's situation.

The politicians are serving themselves,

they're not serving the people.

There's no-one to impose a cap on the National Health Service,

on these trusts who are lining their pockets with big wages and bonuses.

We have doctors doing a shift

and getting paid £2,000 and £3,000 a shift,

we've agency nurses getting paid thousands of pounds a shift

and that's what's wrong with the health service.

-Go ahead, John.

-I've got one question for the politicians in Stormont.

What planet are you clowns living on, right?

If you go into the Royal Victoria Hospital on a Saturday night,

and God bless them doctors and those wee nurses,

cos they are breaking their backs to provide a service to us.

What planet are these clowns living on?

There are people dying, people on waiting lists, 18 months waiting...

These people are going to be dead before they even see a consultant.

And that is not acceptable in the 21st century,

that we have a health service that could be in the Middle Ages.

It's not fair, it's not right, and I'm bloody fed up with it.

-Alex in Lisburn. Morning, Alex.

-We're pointing the finger at MLAs,

saying they're this or that - we vote for them.

-See when the elections are up...

-That's the only time you see them.

That's the only time you see them at the door

and that's only because they want the vote.

See when they've got in, then you don't see them again.

-You don't see them again.

-See when you need them? They're not there.

-As an Indian would say, politicians speak with a forked tongue.

-Yeah.

So they do. They don't...

They just say what you want to hear at the time

and then everybody rallies round them

and then we're all sitting waiting and it doesn't happen.

I heard a guy on Stephen Nolan one day and he was absolutely right.

He says, "Can anybody ring in and say they have seen the MLA out

"after seven o'clock at night, having their dinner,

"having a bit of craic? No, you'll not."

I am just disgusted at the political class here.

I'm actually thinking about leaving Northern Ireland now

because I am fed up to the back teeth of them.

It's an old boys' club.

I object and I will fight against these broad-brush statements

that politicians are a waste of space, that politicians

are an embarrassment. Do you know what? No, they are not.

We need fresh blood of young people and if it doesn't get it,

the country is in stagnation,

so it is, it's like a cancer eating through it.

It can't move on from the past.

That's ridiculous, what they're getting paid

and whenever you step in and step out again,

and the wee cancer patients are dying

and you've got your man Hamilton on -

every time he comes on the TV, he gives me asthma,

cos he talks that low I'm breathing for him.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Why do you not like Simon Hamilton from the DUP?

Well, because whenever he comes on with this beard on him

and these glasses and his hair all nicely combed and shirt and tie

-and he talks that low.

-He can't help it if he talks low.

And whenever you hear that sort of criticism,

you have to listen to that.

He talks that low and I'm breathing for him, Stephen.

I think you've got a problem with Simon Hamilton.

He's a very articulate and intelligent man.

I understand articulatism and all that there,

but he sits in the studio and he goes...

-AS HAMILTON:

-"Eh-eh-eh-eh..."

Let me near your impression of him again.

-What is he sitting doing?

-He goes...

-AS HAMILTON:

-"Eh-eh-eh-eh and "eh-eh-eh-eh..."

And I'm going... I'm sitting back going,

"Holy Jesus, would you please breathe, man?"

It's 9am, it's The Nolan Show on BBC Radio Ulster.

And of course the role of the programme is to give

you at home the chance to have your say. Pick up the phone.

Let's see who's on line one.

Don't be having stupid ideas that they're going to come in and...

what are they going to do, bring that right across the Province?

You're going to have to tell me what you mean by that.

I see what some girls do to themselves

and I hear what some girls do to themselves

and I don't want my daughter caught up in that.

The list goes on and on

and you know we would not find that acceptable.

I was within an inch of standing up and going up and saying to her,

"You are boring me stupid."

Whatever you think, say it on The Nolan Show.

Monday to Friday at nine on Radio Ulster

or at Stephen Nolan on Twitter.

There's two girls walking down Royal Avenue,

one of them was wearing a burka

and because I pointed her out to my daughter,

the other one then gives me gestures and a dirty look.

Well now, how dare they, in the middle of Belfast?

If they want to uphold or they want to live in the United Kingdom,

they have to uphold our laws, as we do.

-What you wear, Lorraine...

-So what they have to...

Lorraine, listen. Lorraine, you've got to listen. It's not a monologue.

What someone wears is not a law.

We have the freedom in this society we live in

to choose the clothes we wear.

We're tolerant of each other's dress, are we not?

And if someone is wearing a burka, is that really doing you any harm?

Well, it does, it makes me suspicious.

I agree with that woman entirely.

I think we should go down the road of France and ban the burka,

cos I think Northern Ireland has had enough balaclavas and masks

-over the last 40 or 50 years.

-Well, that's a different thing altogether.

My God, are you suggesting, because you wear a burka,

it's the same as wearing a balaclava?

I think the problem is that we're all too quick to judge people

-by what they wear.

-That's too extreme, Heidi, that's too extreme.

-You've just connected the two.

-No, I just said it was a comparison.

Your item of... Your comparison was very contentious.

At the end of the day, it's up to themselves.

Here, there's some people walking about this place

-that would need face veils.

-They would need face veils.

Never mind the burka, never mind for their religion.

At the end of the day, it's their religion.

If somebody's walking through... naked

through the streets of Belfast,

they're causing an offence.

If you're wearing something,

no matter what it is,

that's not an offence, what's the problem?

-That's right.

-How can they see where they're going, sure?

Some of them's got a wee slit along here

and they're looking through it like this here, for goodness' sake.

A full veil, no, you should be able to see who's behind a veil.

I've no problem with them covering their head,

but if you go into a doctor's surgery or go into a bank

or in the court, let them know who they're talking to, so they need

to see their full face

to see if it's a man or see if it's a woman.

I don't like them at all. They shouldn't be allowed to wear them.

In that culture, a woman shouldn't be seen in public,

do you not think that's really dated?

-But that's their culture...

-That's their culture.

So it's different culture, different...

Different countries, different cultures, huh, Marie?

-Is that what you were trying to say?

-Yes.

-Get it right, for fuck's sake.

It's not against the law to wear a burka.

At the end of the day, she is in the United Kingdom,

most likely claiming benefits,

like lots of people who are entitled to claim benefits.

Most likely claiming benefits because of her dress.

You know, the reason why I think it's really important to have

a caller like you on air - it exposes the prejudice.

-It exposes...

-I'm not ashamed to say that I am against Muslims.

We don't need the burkas here at all, we really don't.

Why would that... does it offend you?

Well, I don't like it. I just don't. It's not our national...

Is it because it scares you or because it offends you?

It offends me, it's not our national dress.

-You don't have a national dress in Northern Ireland.

-Oh, we do, yes.

What's our national dress?

A wee skirt or trousers and a green blouse or...

I'm not wearing skirts or blouses.

You know what you have to do, honestly, all of us?

Like, I'm 59, I know you're a bit more senior than I am...

-Have you a skirt?

-She'd make sure you did, Robert.

-If I wore...

Here, see, to be honest with you, if I wore a skirt, to be honest

with you, it would be my business, it would be none of yours, you know.

And hopefully covering your business!

THEY ALL LAUGH

You know what I think? You pulled.

With being blind, I don't know what they're wearing.

A woman could be wearing a miniskirt

or she could be wearing something down to her ankles

or a turban on her head or anything, I don't know, nor I don't care,

as long as they're nice and decent and good people

and friendly towards me.

If you walk into the doctor and your doctor was sitting there

with a full face veil on, would you be happy with that?

-Well, at the end of the day...

-Men don't really sit with a full face

-and if it was a woman doctor...

-If it was a woman, it's different.

-You would trust her, like.

-At the end of the day,

you would know, you would get to know her.

If she's a new doctor, you would get to know her.

At the end of the day...

Well, put it this way, does anybody tell you what you're allowed to wear

and what you're not allowed to wear?

Put it this way, they save a fortune in make-up

and they're bound to have lovely skins cos they're not abusing it

the way the white people abuse their skins.

All sorts of people wear different types of clothing

to demonstrate or show the culture, their religious beliefs.

Look at a minister wearing a dog collar. Does that offend you?

Because they're putting it out there

that they're a Christian minister

or somebody wearing, well, any other type of attire.

-It certainly does not offend me in any way at all.

-So that's all right?

Because I can see the minister, I can see the minister,

I can see his face, I can hear him talking, I can see him talking.

You cannot define what the minister wears in comparison to a burka.

I personally, as a woman, have an issue with a burka

-because if it in any way...

-Well, then...

..if it in any way represses the woman who's wearing it

and actually she doesn't want to be covered up in that way,

then I am totally for her being able to remove her burka.

At the end of the day...

They'll probably take offence at what you're wearing...

I don't like to look at...

to be in the presence of someone, a woman, who is wearing a burka.

-There's a human being...

-And that is my choice.

-I don't like it.

-There is a human being underneath that burka.

And as far as I'm concerned, France is right. They banned it

and it will stay banned. It should be banned in the United Kingdom.

We were talking to a man

-who said he just wouldn't trust a woman with a burka.

-Why?

Because he can't see her face. He wants to see her face.

Well, it's like the old saying,

you don't look at the clock when you're poking the fire.

Radio Face, where the stars of the Nolan radio programme

get their own TV show.

RADIO STATIC

The BBC has slashed its top stars' pay

by more than £6 million last year,

so presenters have been given pay cuts.

The Beeb has been heavily criticised,

of course, for the amount it pays its presenters.

One of the very vocal voices on this here in Northern Ireland

has been the DUP MP Gregory Campbell.

-Good morning, Mr Campbell.

-Good morning, Stephen.

When you have been tested on this by me in the past,

in that what do you think presenters are worth, you can't tell me.

When I say to you, "What am I worth?" you can't tell me.

People have a right to know what your income is

when you know everybody, you talk about everybody else's income,

but why can you not declare yours?

Are you Gregory Campbell's brother?

No, I'm not related to Gregory Campbell in any shape or form,

no, no, I am not.

'You see me on the TV and radio, I know you listen every day,

'you can't miss it. What am I worth?'

This...

CHEERING

OK... Let's try some sit-ups.

Nolan Live, I don't really know, I've never really watched it.

-I have.

-Well, I think I did a couple of times.

-I have.

And what do you call it? It's really not up to much, the show isn't.

-Yeah? Have you watched the show?

-When's the last time you watched it?

-Last week.

-And what was on?

Uh...

-Can't think.

-You're not watching my programme every week?

Well, if you've anything exciting on it, yes, we'll watch it,

and if you've nothing exciting,

what's the fucking point of watching it?

It's exciting every week!

Let's see what it is you actually do. Let's see what the hours are.

Let's see what the endeavour is.

Then you can begin to put a value on it.

What have you got to hide, Nolan?

Come on, come out with it. What have you got to hide?

Look at Fantasy Island, I couldn't afford a house like that,

so I couldn't. Then Vinny down cleaning it and all for you!

You're hitting a million at least, maybe more.

And look what Vinny has to stick from you, Stephen.

You give him a hard time, the fella.

No wonder he's distraught and doesn't come in some days.

You give him a hard time that much.

If you were to go out to an independent broadcaster,

an organisation, they would probably pay you more money than the BBC

because let's just say,

as the advert for the shampoo goes, you're worth it.

But your colleagues underneath you,

I would say 90% of them wouldn't get a job brushing the streets because

some of the programmes, some of the presenters are horrendously bad.

Well, that's Vinny, clearly, you're talking about.

Who decides, who employs these people?

How much do you think he should get?

Well, I don't think, I think he's entitled to get about...

about £500 a week.

He'd love you for that!

-I think he's on about £500 a minute.

-Well, he'd better not be.

That's other people's taxes. That's who's...

What? What?!

Come on, let it out. What's the secret?

-My salary is none of your business!

-Well, then, why is it not?

Sure, if we're paying your salary,

it's bound to be a business if we're paying TV licence.

You are our business, we own you.

Why won't you tell us, Nolan?

Why are you not telling us what you fucking earn?

How much do you think I'm on?

I would say, roughly, about a million.

I know what you're getting, you're getting a million pound at least,

that's why you're a millionaire now.

-Morning, Mr Nolan, how are you, sir?

-Go ahead, Jim.

Not often I agree with Gregory Campbell but I have to say

I fully agree with him this morning.

Your production team, they always talk about,

"Oh, Stephen bought us Chinese," or, "Stephen bought us buns."

Who's paying for the buns and the Chinese? Is it yourself

or does it come out of the expenses, the taxpayers' money?

I don't think I've ever bought this team buns.

Let me assure you this, I do not go up to the Chinese,

buy chicken, chips, peas and gravy, and then bill them back to you.

No, I do not.

If you're not going to give me what your price is

on your wages, why should I give you my fucking TV licence?

And here, do you pay a TV licence yourself

or do you get a freebie because you work for them?

You probably get... He probably gets a freebie because he works for them.

Bet you get a fucking freebie.

One presenter, one team, and you make incredible radio.

When you send your stories to this team,

they will fight for you every step of the way.

RADIO STATIC

Now, horrific pictures in the Daily Mirror yesterday

of the controversial Yulin dog meat festival.

Every year, they think, around 10,000 dogs are cooked and eaten

in the South China province. This year the reaction has gone global.

Almost a quarter of a million tweets have been posted

using the hashtag #stopyulin2015.

What's wrong with eating dog, Dave?

What, what's wrong, what's wrong with eating a pig?

What is wrong with eating furry bunnies?

What's wrong with eating cows and horses?

-What did he say there?

-Furry bunnies!

-Did he say...

-HE LAUGHS

-Don't. Do not.

Oh, the dog-eating festival in China.

Terrible, them poor dog owners.

-But then that's the Chinese culture.

-Oh, God, I'm going to be sick.

-No, don't like it, don't agree with it.

-No.

I have three shih tzus

and looking at my wee three shih tzus, I don't think

I could kill them, looking at their wee faces, and try and eat them.

Please, no. They shouldn't be doing that.

Oh, imagine me eating my Teddy.

Couldn't do it, Stephen, couldn't do it.

A dog is a wild animal. It's just that we've made them into pets

but they're still a wild animal, the same as a pig or a cow.

I would only call people that would eat animal, dogs and the like

of that, I'd call them cannibals, whether they would like it or not.

"What are we going to have tonight? What about a greyhound and chips?"

-Right?

-If you can catch it. First catch your greyhound.

"And a couple of mushrooms."

That would put you off your lunch, wouldn't it?

Would you eat dog, yourself?

No, I wouldn't eat dog but if you look at France,

they're eating frogs and snails

and other countries eat rats, so they do.

What do you call your dog?

-Holly.

-Holly? So would you eat Holly?

No, I wouldn't eat Holly unless it was desperate.

But if I died and there was nobody in this house,

Holly would eat me to survive, so she would.

-David?

-There's everything wrong with eating dogs.

-DOG WHINES

-It's barbaric, for starters.

They're companion animals.

A dog is part of the family.

We're not going to chop our children up and eat them.

A dog isn't getting reared for meat, for food,

and as Anne-Marie says, we're hardly going to rear our children

-and chop them up. That's like saying that.

-Aye.

We're rearing our children, we'll chop them up for food. Cannibal.

-That's what that is, that's cannibal.

-The nearest thing to it.

But there's no difference between eating a dog and eating a cow.

-There is!

-Well, there is.

-There is because...

If we were to eat my dogs,

we would starve because they're two wee small things.

-Your dogs are all skin and bone.

-Aye.

Dogs are brought into families as pets,

then they become family members.

Would you go and eat one of your family members?

-No.

-No, well, there you are.

-Here's a question.

If you had kids and bought your child a rabbit

and you felt hungry, would you say,

"Give us your rabbit till I boil it here," and make a stew with it?

Ciaran in the valley. Morning, Ciaran.

Morning, Stephen. I want to ask number eight there, XPEV,

there was a plane crash in Canada

and there were two survivors and they ate the rest of the bodies.

I wonder if they would eat a human being that was dead, to survive.

It's a completely off skew question, isn't it?

Stephen, if you're desperate enough,

you will need anything, even your best friend that's beside you.

You would eat his flesh to stay alive, so you would.

You'd drink your own urine to stay alive.

SHE LAUGHS What bit would you eat first?

I'd go for the arm.

It might be the tastiest bit, so it might.

Just the same as they did in the Andes. That's how they stayed alive.

They ate all the dead bodies, so they did, and survived.

Some eating on you, Stephen, with all them burgers and chicken pies.

I'd survive all right, so I would.

LAUGHTER

Would you eat a dog in the woods if you were in the middle of a forest

and there was nowhere to be got?

What is your obsession with this?

I was just wondering to ask them a question, Stephen.

Come on there.

-They'll eat horse.

-What?

-We eat horse.

-HORSE WHINNIES

-I've eaten horse in Paris.

I've eaten horse on more than one occasion. Utterly fantastic.

We eat rabbits, we eat chickens, hens, you name it.

So what's the difference between a dog or a cat?

-DOG YELPS

-Oh, shush.

Many people listening to this programme will have dogs

in their houses, they'll have much-loved family pets.

I would say there's plenty of husbands

would kill their wives' dogs, David, now don't be smart.

But I would say to you, David, you could bet a horse.

-Could you not?

-I'm not sure where you're going.

Well, you could bet a horse and you can eat it.

-You could what a horse?

-Well, they do so in France.

SHE GROWLS AND BARKS

Holly, you know what, you're lucky you're not living in China

because they would eat you, so they would.

You're lucky you're living here. You don't get eaten.

But you never know, some day I might.

HOLLY BARKS

If you don't stop your barking, I'll eat you.

-I'll fatten you up for China.

-HE LAUGHS

For a chicken curry.

I'll give you to Nolan. You'd make a right curry for him, so you would.

Put a few pounds on him, so you would.

You don't like that, sure you don't.

I'm not a big meat-eater, to be honest with you.

-Neither am I.

-I'm not a vegetarian, but...

I know there's countries where eating a monkey's brain

-is a delicacy.

-Oh, my God.

Personally, I wouldn't be up for that.

But if somebody said to you, "Look, Robert, you're going to die

"tomorrow if you don't eat this bit of dog," would you eat the dog?

Well, you see, if you're going to go down the line of...

We're professed to be the most superior animal on Earth.

We're professed to be the most superior animal on Earth, OK?

The human species are the most superior animal.

If it's a point of survival,

there's a strong possibility I would do that, yeah.

But what if the dog was Guinness, your wee dog, Guinness?

Aye, you might find it's a bit strange.

Me, personally, I might put my life in front of the dog.

So you wouldn't eat Guinness? I tell you, I'd take lumps out of Guinness!

-What's that?

-I'd have Guinness served up on toast.

I know we're talking hypothetically here

but I personally would probably put the dog before me.

Bertie, I hear you keep your dog's ashes, Ebony's ashes,

on your mantelpiece.

I was thinking of my wee dog, Ebony.

If anybody was to eat her, I don't know,

I think it would be putting the finishing touches to me, so it would.

If someone came along and just said, "Right, we're taking this,"

and they cut her up and ate her...

No, no. If they'd have done that, I would have said,

"Right, if you're going to do that to my nearest, dearest pet,

"you can do the same with me,"

because it would have been totally outrageous, so it would.

Next time on Radio Face...

You've got a personal registration number, what is it?

-DICK.

-Old-age pensioners are one of the safest drivers on the roads.

Aye, so long as they can see.

Stephen, do you realise how fat you are?

You're too ugly and too much out of shape for a convertible.

As you get older, there is a smell, but you get it and clean yourself.

If people want to go to a child-free restaurant, let them go.

-BOTH:

-It's up to the individual.

THEY LAUGH

High-five!