Episode 3 Radio Face

Stand by, as the listeners to the biggest radio show in the country

are given their own TV show.

Norman.

Anne-Marie.

Marie.

Bernie.,

Carmel.

Mervyn and Heidi.

Radio Face is not recorded live,

but after the programme has finished,

these are real listeners to the Nolan Show

continuing the conversation, while I stay in the studio

and they speak to me from their own homes and cars.

RADIO: Next up, how often do you shower?

A new survey suggests four out of five women don't shower every day.

One third also say they go three days -

three days! - without washing their body.

LAUGHTER

RADIO DROWNS SPEECH

Good morning to you, Tina. And the commentator Anne Miller.

Good morning to you, Anne.

So one-third of women don't wash for three days.

-RADIO:

-Jeepers, I was nearly sick in my own mouth when I read it.

And they're not brushing their teeth. Dirtbirds!

-LAUGHTER

-Dirtbirds!

Dirtbirds is right.

I think these women are ridiculous not...

I mean, not washing.

I would get a shower every...second or third day.

If she fits into it.

Hang on. My shower is a disabled shower! It's big enough for me.

-That's fine.

-Aye!

Your shower, Jesus Christ, you can't even get into your bloody shower!

I'm up every morning, seven o'clock, in my shower.

Then out into the kitchen, Stephen Nolan on

and eating my breakfast.

I have to get washed before I listen to you, Stephen.

Throw it all off and into the shower. So quick and so handy.

And if the washing machine isn't on, I have to do the washing,

so most days, people keep themselves clean.

I think, as you get older, there is a smell,

but you get it and clean yourself.

-RADIO:

-I don't jump on the shower every single morning.

My goodness, I'm the mother of a two-year-old child

and I work full-time. I also have a number of other hobbies.

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

If it ain't dirty, don't wash it.

-RADIO:

-Oh, dear, gosh, no!

If it ain't dirty, don't wash it? What exactly are we talking about?

At the end of the day, you don't have to have a shower

every single day to be clean.

You can go in and have the way they call it, like a sponge bath.

-Keep yourself clean.

-Depends who's doing the sponge bath.

-Here we go again.

-I'd have a sponge bath every day.

As long as he's gorgeous, she wants to know.

-RADIO:

-Do you know what, Stephen? I think this is ridiculous.

I am going to absolutely...

ALL TALK

..utterly confess that there are days that I could get up

and laze about on the sofa with my two-year-old.

This nasty behaviour of people having to regiment their lives

by showering daily or doing whatever.

Nobody really, truly leaves the house stinking.

The lady just equated washing your bits to Nazi behaviour.

LAUGHTER

Have you ever heard me unhappy? Aren't I always happy?

That's because I'm clean.

Sometimes, I'm not able in the morning. I'm breathless.

Very often, I wait till 1:30 and I phone my request into Hugo

and then take the radio into the bathroom

and have it on the bathroom shelf.

So I'm keeping myself clean at the same time,

plus the fact I'm listening and contributing

to Uncle Hugo's programme.

THEY SING

I don't shower every day.

And I wouldn't really say I smell.

-But I still clean my lady bits.

-You don't have to smell...

Every day or every time I go to the toilet,

-I still clean them.

-Her lady bits.

RADIO: Do what?

LAUGHTER

She would clean her private bits. She calls them "the lady bits".

The lady bits.

RADIO: What are you doing talking about that on this show for?

It's all part of being cleansed.

When you sweat, you would sweat all over.

Same as smelly feet, you would wash your smelly feet.

Would you not clean your man bits, if you were going out?

Or would you just rub an old flannel round them?

Some people I know would rub a dry flannel round them and say,

"I got washed".

Cos you wouldn't like to walk all the time with sweaty balls.

It would restrict your way of walking.

LAUGHTER ON PHONE

RADIO: Where did we get you two from?

LAUGHTER

-See, there is plenty of character in Belfast, isn't there?

-Oh!

RADIO: Do you think most people shower every day?

-Mm, no.

-Probably if they're going to work or something, getting up

-in the morning.

-I would say, see people that have...

The likes of lawyers, people that have to work in an office and that.

And they have to have a really strong deodorant.

If not shower, give yourself a good wash and use deodorant.

You have to shower every day!

Keep yourself nice and fresh.

That's the only way that men find you attractive.

If I met a woman on the dancefloor or anywhere else like that,

and she'll move over and start to get very friendly,

or try to get friendly.

She'll meet for the first time, well...

they've all got perfume and a lot of these different things,

lotions they put on.

But after, say, the third or fourth day, I met her and there was

a bit of a hum or a reek,

I would think, then I would call it a day.

And put her on the transfer list right away.

I wouldn't like to go out and see a nice man and they say,

"God, she's nice but, by God, does she hum".

Excuse me, I had a shower, a lovely shower this morning.

-Did you have a lovely... You can tell.

-Oh, yes. I did.

-Yes.

-You can smell your soap from here.

-Yeah. I did.

-I don't know about you.

-Well, I didn't have the shower this morning,

I just damped my hair this morning.

But if you can't shower every day...

-You could wash your lady bits.

-You could at least wash yourself.

And if yous can smell yourself,

-well, other people can smell you.

-Yep.

You wouldn't want that. Imagine a humming woman.

God! I mean, seriously.

No.

There is a lot of women, and they're right enough,

that they're really some of them can be very odd.

There's a herbal way they smell and that.

And there's no excuse.

RADIO: Have you ever sat.... I don't do buses,

but have you ever sat on a bus beside someone that is stinking?

-RADIO:

-Yes, I have sat beside stinking people.

And more so, I've got to say, males than females.

I think that fair shocked me.

A power hose, that's what they need. Get a power hose on to them.

-RADIO:

-This may sound a bit sexist or whatever,

but you expect women to be a bit cleaner.

ALL TALK AT ONCE Well, that is sexist.

A big bucket of soap and a power hose.

Put them through a car wash every day.

-RADIO:

-I actually think that is a really, really, really

awful thing to say. And I have many, many male friends

who certainly jump in the shower a lot more than I do,

-because it's easier for them.

-LAUGHTER

It's easy to wash. In all honesty.

Yeah, if you're going for a nice slash

and the next minute, you're shaking somebody's hand!

LAUGHTER

Or, like, if you went to the toilet before you go and visit your mummy!

RADIO: You are talking here about washing your hands,

-though, really, aren't you? BOTH:

-No!

We're talking about your man bits and my lady bits.

-His teapot. Does he not wash it?

-We're talking about your teapot.

Your spout.

Do you not give it a little rinse when you go?

Or do you not give it a wee rub

before you put it back in your trousers?

No, that could work out wrong.

LAUGHTER

RADIO: It's 9am, it's the Nolan Show on BBC Radio Ulster.

And, of course, the role of the programme is to give you at home

the chance to have your say.

Pick up the phone.

Let's see who's on line one.

-RADIO:

-I think it's about time somebody stood up against

these power-mad little megalomaniacs.

Well, you're going to have to tell me what you mean by that.

-RADIO:

-I couldn't believe how lazy and how dirty they were.

-RADIO:

-It's an absolute disgrace.

So what do you think is the answer here?

-RADIO:

-You see, you, Nolan, you're out of touch.

I thought you were up to speed.

-RADIO:

-This is a disaster for the people of Northern Ireland.

I think you've been the call of the month.

-Goodbye.

-Bye-bye.

RADIO: Next up, what about child-free restaurants?

A Canadian restaurant has come under fire,

receiving messages of hate and threats after it made

a decision to ban small screaming children from its premises.

Tina Calder, Niamh Horan with us this morning.

What do you think, Niamh?

-RADIO:

-Look, I am very strongly in favour of this.

If you wanted spend 50 quid,

that's how much the babysitter costs these days.

Fuck, we're in the wrong jobs! 50 quid to mind a child.

-RADIO:

-50 quid for a babysitter.

The last thing they want to do is go out for a nice meal

at lunchtime or whatever

and have a bunch of other people's screaming children beside them.

'Stephen, I'm all for child-free restaurants.'

'I take the train here from Bangor to Belfast

'and I have to sit and listen to screaming youngsters, so I have.

'Whingeing and whingeing.'

I get on the train, they get off in Belfast.

When you sit and think about it, children have a right,

-as much as an adult, to eat.

-Aye.

The parents are paying for their meals.

I used to have a terrible fear,

going into a restaurant and kids in it

and one of them threw up.

And even now, to this day, when you see kids in the restaurant

and if they throw up, cos I would throw up.

Well, all I've got to say on that one is...

I'm not being cheeky, what I'm saying.

Once upon a time, we were all young ourselves.

-When you're out and about...

-My parents had five children,

and we were all...

-And any time we went anywhere in public...

-That's right.

-..we were seen and not heard.

-Yep, exactly.

-I don't want kids in restaurants.

-No, well, I do disagree with you.

-If you were a kid...

-When I was a kid, there was no restaurants!

Wilbur and Orville Wright weren't born!

When I was a kid, there was no cafeterias.

LIVELY CHATTER

If anybody wants a child-free restaurant, go to one.

-Go to a posh one.

-Aye.

Go to one that people can't afford.

Then you get, like, a wee thing in the middle of a big plate.

RADIO: I can't stand those restaurants, can you?

-No.

-No, I like...

-I like my food.

-Good, wholesome food.

-As you can see.

RADIO: You get a wee pigeon or something,

-in the middle of a fancy plate. Ridiculous!

-Mm.

But then that's where you'll get child-free restaurants.

I would have child-free restaurants,

I'd have carriages that are childfree too, on the train,

where people can sit in peace

and not have to listen to whingeing youngsters.

Are you serious, or are you on a wind-up?

We're talking here about children going to or from school,

or going out for a meal with their family.

I know it's a child, but, Stephen, you want to be on that train

when I'm on it. You can't hear yourself speak.

You go into a restaurant, it would be the same.

RADIO: You're absolutely right. 100% right.

No children in the cafeterias and restaurants, no children.

-RADIO:

-Do you think we should get the child catcher out for these people?

Because, clearly, they don't want any children in our society at all.

If you were saying about any other group of people in society,

you would be called everything from ageist, to sexist, to racist.

Who's going to stand up for these children? Certainly not you people.

Do you know what? I take my kids out and I go out.

There's nothing my children love more than a wee bit in the cafe.

-Aye.

-And they go in...

-And they start to cry.

-They don't start to cry, but you have to teach

-them how to behave in public.

-I don't want to hear

-when you're teaching them!

-This is a good way of doing it.

I don't think there should be a blanket ban, I don't think people

-should be punished for having children.

-No, no.

Well, I would be saying put a little notice up.

A nice little smart notice.

-Yeah.

-"Please keep your children under control."

Get them all Velcro suits and stick them to the wall.

Would you like to go into a restaurant and have to sit

and eat your meal and listen to a youngster beside you

whingeing from when it goes in to when it comes out again?

If people want to go to a child-free restaurant,

-let them go, like.

-It's up to them.

-BOTH:

-It's up to the individual.

High-five!

No children are allowed to go anywhere, then,

-until they're at the age of, what?

-15.

-15?

-Yeah.

-So, from 0 to 14, they have to stay at home.

-Yes.

Just, what, locked up?

-Absolutely.

-Lock them up? Yes. Right, OK.

I'm not being cheeky.

There's nobody more loud in restaurants than a group of women.

Well, I'll agree with you on that one now.

I'm up for men-only restaurants!

Well, you're being biased. You're biased.

THEY LAUGH

The hen parties and stags...

Yeah, we've been on many...

We have been on many of them.

And yes, you have an awful lot of drunkards, but we don't drink with them.

-No, we don't drink, but we still have a good time.

-But we still have good craic.

Because then I can remind people the next day what they done and what they didn't do.

RADIO: Hold on, let's give Jim a segueway.

An absolute drunk throwing wine about can be dealt with by the police.

They throw whine on me, it's an assault, and I will report it...

But if you start planning children from restaurants, Jim,

what kind of message does that send out about our attitude towards kids?

-It says children should be seen and not heard.

-Are you actually...

Oh, my goodness, I can't believe I just heard that.

Can I ask you a question?

When I go in for a coffee or something to eat, have I no rights?

-If you don't want to be around them, then walk away.

-No, YOU walk away!

I want to go in and sit down and have a coffee with

a conversation and not a child beside me screaming its head of!

I would have thought your screaming is as piercing as a one-year-old, Mervyn.

Ach, sometimes it is, Stephen. It all depends, you know?

-What lane are you in?

-We're going into Holywood.

But you're... Choose a lane and stick to it.

-I'm in a lane!

-You're sort of down the white line.

-That line isn't your guide for driving.

-Who's driving? I'm driving. Shut up.

Right...I was on a flight last month,

so...one child, one child in that flight.

-It was horrible.

-But the poor child...

I'm sure it was as horrible for that child and the parents or whoever it was travelling with.

-Well, I don't want to listen to that.

-Get earplugs in!

-No, I don't want to put earplugs in.

Well, you're going to have to.

We have to all share this world together.

-The way out of this is...

-Maybe that child needed to go somewhere.

..adult flights only.

Stephen, if you are on the plane going to England

and you have a child next to you and it's getting its nappy changed

and you're sitting eating a fish supper, what would you think?

It's the same in a restaurant.

Would you not feel uncomfortable? Because I would.

'Some people like to go out for, I don't know, a date or a romantic night out or...'

Well, you wouldn't be bringing your kids on a romantic night out!

-Put it this way...

-You as well just not take the pill and just bring your kids.

THEY LAUGH

Anne-Marie, what about if you don't have kids,

and you want to go out with an adult and have a bit of quiet time?

-You do not do romantic things during the day.

-Aye.

-You do it at night.

You go out for a nice candlelit meal and then you come back

and then whatever else happens after that.

Radio Face - where the stars of the Nolan radio programme

get their own TV show.

RADIO STATIC

Hardly a walk in the park, this dog-poo business.

If only it was, because look at this in Ormeau Park in Belfast.

RADIO: Eamonn Holmes has been on Twitter last night trying to say that I've gone slightly...

-You like Eamonn, don't you?

-I do like Eamonn.

-You're quite a fan of Eamonn.

-How could you not like Eamonn?

-Eamonn is the best broadcaster...

-Ach...

-..to ever come out of Northern Ireland.

But it's a fact! It's a fact!

Goodness knows if the toxocara worm is in that.

Eamonn Holmes is the longest serving breakfast television presenter ever.

-What's your point?

-Ever!

-Don't start that.

Anyway, apparently you're buying some kind of convertible flashy sports car.

Are you having some kind of late midlife crisis?

-The reason I brought Eamonn into it is he thinks I've gone slightly gaga...

-We all agree.

And he's trying to get me to resist.

-I've decided that I want a Cabriolet.

-But you're too old for that.

A convertible car. How can you be too old for a convertible car?

Would you actually ever drive around with the top down?

-I feel like decking you.

-Why?

I'm hardly going to buy a Cabriolet and not pull the top down.

Stephen, do you realise how fat you are?

You can hardly walk now, you're that fat.

THEY LAUGH

Don't get it, Stephen, cos you'll never get in and out of it.

It's a 4x4 you need.

I couldn't get into your convertible, so I couldn't, and I am a lot thinner than you.

See, I'm getting ganged up on now.

I think it's mean to say you're too fat for it. Certain types of people can get away with different things.

What do you mean certain types of people?

Well, older people or younger people or very good-looking people can get away with something...

SNORING

You could never get in and out of a convertible car, so you couldn't.

You're too ugly and too much out of shape for a convertible,

so you're better sticking to the saloon model you have.

They'd have to bury you in that convertible, Stephen, cos they'd never get you out of it.

-Is that a car with no roof?

-Yeah.

-Right.

-A car with no roof.

-See, you have to put in...

-I'm not a car person, so...

..a plainer subject for Anne-Marie.

-Anne-Marie's simple that way.

-To let his hair blow in the wind?

Aye, hold on, his head's big enough, that's why he needs the roof down.

RADIO: Vincent in Belfast. Good morning, Vincent.

'Stephen, before we go any further, I want to tell you, I like you.'

STEPHEN LAUGHS

'You probably need a one-seater convertible.

'I don't think there would be room enough for you to get in. You'd have trouble getting in and out.

'And he's got a personalised reg as well. He couldn't be more desperate if he tried.'

You've got a personal registration number? What is it, DICK?

THEY LAUGH

Anne-Marie! High-five!

THEY LAUGH

High-five!

RADIO: Have you got a problem with a personal registration number?

It's a waste of fucking money.

I would love to have a personal registration number!

Can you picture me?!

Here, Stephen, with all your money?

I'd have SLUT!

THEY LAUGH

You get a hat, you get a hat, I get a hat, everybody gets a hat. Look at this.

-RADIO:

-You can pretend this isn't the case, but this is clearly what happens.

'If you're good-looking, you can get away with wearing certain clothes,

-'because you look stylish and quirky and unique.'

-Have you no dicky bows?

'Whereas if Stephen goes round wearing some kind of tweed ensemble

'and riding boots driving a soft-top car, you'll look like an eejit.

'I'm sorry, that is just the way it is.'

-That's nice.

-Oh, good.

-I suppose there's no shirts to fit me in here, no?

-Not right now.

RADIO: Marie in Belfast, are you going to help me here?

No, you're too big for a car like that.

How could you get into a sports car with your with your stomach sitting on the steering wheel?

-I'm not that big!

-You are.

Do you not think a convertible's a woman's car or have you something to tell us?

I bet you didn't think you'd be doing this tonight, big boy.

-You can call me Dicky.

-Dicky?

-Yeah. Or Daddy.

I am not calling you Daddy. THEY LAUGH

Stephen, you're not the body shape for a convertible.

If you were tall and slim and all with a convertible,

you would look at all the nice birds and take them down to Fantasy Island

and they could look after you. You know, you'd have a bit of company.

Would it make you feel better jumping up in the mornings and getting into your yellow car?

Would it make you feel happier?

What's your beef with a yellow car?

Well, then, what colour suit will you be wearing?

Will you coincide with the colour of the shirt with the car?

Are you going to get a shirt and tie to match the car?

Tell you what, at least I pay for my car,

not like your DLA freebie sitting in the driveway.

Ohhh, I must have hit a fucking nerve with you.

The DLA wouldn't even fucking give you a yellow fucking car.

They'd look at you and say, "Just learn to walk."

It's not a fucking convertible, it's a minibus you need.

That would suit you down to the ground, Stephen.

THEY LAUGH

RADIO: Here's one for us to get our teeth into.

Are some of our over-70s a danger on our roads?

Well, despite being among the safest drivers on the roads,

more over-70s than ever before are being stopped

from driving for medical reasons with the number rising by a third in just three years.

So, here's the question for us.

Should there be an age when you have to retake your driving test?

Most accidents are among young people, not the elderly.

I've drove for over 50 years, never been in an accident.

Here, Norman, I applaud your confidence,

but I mean, you're looking at it from your own perspective.

Have you ever looked at it from the person stuck behind you?

They should be tested with their eyesight.

They should be tested with their flexibility and everything else.

But that's discriminating against old people, Anne-Marie.

-Anne-Marie's not a driver.

-I'm not a driver.

-I'm Marie.

-I know you're Marie, but Anne-Marie can have an opinion on it.

-I know!

Don't fucking shout at me! You know what? I'll shut up. Go, Anne-Marie.

Right, it's lucky she didn't fucking hang up. She usually does.

I think they should be means-tested.

I usually do fucking hang up on people like you.

Old age pensioners, I believe, as a taxi driver,

old age pensioners are one of the safest drivers on the roads.

So long as they can see!

How are you going to get a health check in the state of the health situation at the minute?

And you want us all to get health checks?

-Sure, we're lucky we can get into Casualty.

-Aye, but it's better than doing that than killing somebody.

And your senses become debilitating as you get older and that's dangerous.

What way are you going to do it? Who pays for it?

If they can afford to keep a car on the road, taxed, insured, petrol in it

and the upkeep and maintenance of a car and buy a car in the first place, they can afford to pay

-to have a driving test.

-No, you can't charge a pension.

-Absolute rubbish.

RADIO: The journalist Niamh Horan's with us today. Good morning to you, Niamh. What you think?

Well, I think the bottom line of this is saving lives,

and I don't think anybody could argue against that.

There are stories of people getting heart attacks, strokes at a steering wheel as well.

-It's just about making sure you're in check.

-Go on, Bill.

Occasionally an older person does have an accident,

and of course it gets absolute national headlines.

-You lose some of your judgment when you're getting older.

-That's right.

So why shouldn't you have to retake your test?

You get to 101, their eyesight might have deteriorated, you don't have to retake your test.

No, you don't, but most older people can be depended upon in absolutely every single...

You would swear he was pitching for a Werther's Original ad.

You talk about caring, it doesn't matter when somebody gets behind the wheel

and make a mistake or they can't see 20ft in front of them.

A lot of people in their 70s are quite capable of driving,

like myself, and I know when I am not fit to be on the road,

when I that wandering on the road over the white line,

then I will pack it in.

Some old people, yes, probably could be all right, and some old

people probably couldn't, but it's the same with young ones.

Do you not see sometimes the auld fellas driving around at 2mph

and they can hardly speak when they're driving.

I know, I don't think that's right.

I honestly don't think after a certain age,

and I may be age discrimination,

but there's people out there that are taking everybody else,

never mind their own life,

but they are taking everybody else's life in their hands.

A lot for the people are in denial about their deteriorating health,

because it's not a nice thing to admit if your eyesight's failing,

if you have different problems that you didn't have before,

so it takes other people to caringly and gently say, "Well, maybe we should go and get rechecked."

It's for your own sakes as well.

When I start wandering on the road

and I feel I am liable to cause an accident, then I'll give up driving.

-RADIO:

-Judging from Niamh's accent, she's not from Northern Ireland.

-I go down to Dublin, a couple of months...

-She's from the south.

Yep, and I can tell you the drivers down there all need to take their test.

I think that now is a tiny bit of a generalisation.

-Even I'm not saying...

-You've been very general all along.

-I haven't!

-I haven't!

-You're completely disrespectful to old people.

You come across as arrogant.

They have used their car to try and be as independent from being a burden on their family.

Did you ever hear the saying that when you start getting angry you're starting to lose the argument?

You have made me exceedingly angry.

You've got a big loud mouth and you like to dominate little wee men.

-I'm not a little wee man. I'm a big man.

-I won't argue with that either.

I think I'll keep driving as long as I am fit to drive,

-but when I'm not fit to drive, I won't drive.

-But how will you know?

-I will know.

-Because you don't.

-Yes, I will.

-You might be unfit now.

Elderly people are not always the cause of accident.

Many of them are very careful.

The greatest enemies on the road are some of the women.

They go to the traffic lights there and they're powdering their face

or putting their lipstick on or their eye stuff.

Older people can cause more accidents being too careful.

How can you be too careful?

Because they drive that bloody slow!

-Or they're just willy-willy...

-Especially on...

You get behind a Sunday driver and you're lucky even going over 30.

I mean, you talk about boy racers, but when you drive slowly,

that's as much of a danger to society.

And I would say that a lot of pensioners on the roads now actually probably didn't even sit a test.

-RADIO:

-When I'm out at night and I'm sitting at the red lights,

little boy racers are racing off at 80 and 90mph.

If you can just calm down for a second.

It needs someone like me to stand up to you.

Old people don't drive with social drugs in them.

Old people don't drive with drink in them.

You want to pick on an innocent, easily-pickable victim.

Do you see the ones at 70-plus who never did a driving test?

They need to do it, but the only thing is your memory starts going, and you're going to go in...

-How are you going to go in and remember?

-Remember what?

-You see when you're...

THEY LAUGH

Next time on Radio Face...

Could you picture Royal Avenue full of women breastfeeding children?

That's the road we'd be going down, so it would, once you bring breastfeeding in.

All depends who owns the breast.

Absolutely, categorically cannot say that.

-You're disgusting.

-Well, that is OK.

If she's some auld thing...

They should be made to work and should be made to go out to work.

Maybe if they did, it would put a bit of manners and a bit of breeding into them,

let them see what real life is like.

-RADIO:

-They drive through our land 90% of the time, you know,

because you're driving through our farmland.

And, jeepers, we have to go about our work too, you know?

Get off the road.

Well, what do we do, use helicopters?

You look like something out of Little Britain,

but you didn't have your PVC stuff on.

HE RETCHES