Episode 5 Radio Face

Stand by as the listeners to the biggest radio show in the country

are given their own TV show.

Norman.

Anne-Marie.

Marie.

Bertie.

Carmel.

Mervyn and Heidi.

Radio Face is not recorded live

but after the programme has finished,

these are real listeners to the Nolan Show continuing

the conversation while I stay in the studio and they speak to me

from their own homes and cars.

Now, we've been contacted by a caller, Gavin, who - here we go,

it's this time of the year again -

has a concern over flags in Glengormley.

Stephen, I just want to point out a few things

about stirring up tensions in Glengormley.

They've put Union Jacks the whole length of the Antrim line

there up beside KFC in Glengormley.

It's the first time it's happened in 18 years.

Normally they just keep it to the centre of Glengormley,

but this year they seem to be trying to stir up tensions, you know?

And does a flag really intimidate you?

Well, it does.

You go into your streets, you'll see a flag

nearly on every post. Every house is flying the flags.

You go into our estates

and you'll see a flag here and there.

I've known people within the Unionist community

who have fought and died for that flag.

People died for your flag.

People died for our flag. It's the same on both sides.

But we don't shove the flag in people's faces.

But a flag'll not hurt you either, unless it's on the end of a pole

and somebody hits you over the head with it,

but it's important in the cultural aspect of my community.

You're saying a flag won't hurt you,

but yet when it came to Christmas there two years ago,

yous were down outside the City Hall stopping people having a...

A Christmas.

I did not bring my child down into the atmosphere. Yes, cos we were worried.

Because of what was going on.

Come out and face us, you bastards!

And on top of that there,

it happened the same last year and my child was up my backside.

No surrender!

Stephen...

People are entitled to their culture,

but when you put flags on every flag post along the road,

it is intimidating.

What you're telling the people is, "This is a loyalist area."

You know what my solution to the flag issue at the City Hall is?

My solution to the flag issue at the City Hall - put the Union

flag back up, fly international flags right round the City Hall.

It's a big building and it'll keep everybody happy.

But guess what? Guess what? They won't do it.

They wouldn't agree to have the Tricolour on it.

The only flag they want up is the British flag.

No, but, see, hear me out. So, it's all down to the flag.

Belfast is a lovely city and they'll fly our flag. Solution. End of.

Yous don't want a solution here! Yous don't want it! No, I think...

I think the politicians are just making more money out of it,

so they're just going to keep it going on and on and on.

Do you think that I would be right to ask the Republic of Ireland

to fly the Union Jack above their state buildings?

Do you think that that would be right? Yes. No, it's not right.

BERTIE: I don't know nothing about it, not being able to see them, but I just hear all about them

on the radio there about paramilitary flags

and seemingly there's been ones that have jumped on the bandwagon over the years,

they've put other flags up, even of Israel and other countries

and I don't know what's the meaning of it.

It is a working-class issue.

It is a ghetto issue. To put flags up is what we do.

We don't care if... Who's "we"?

The people who live in the area.

Are you calling yourself working class, Mervyn?

Yes, I'm born and bred working class.

You're not working class, though. Me now? Yeah. Probably not.

No, you're definitely not working class.

NOLAN: You've contacted the police?

Yes. The PSNI say they want nothing to do with it,

because there was no breach of the peace, yet if we go out to

take the flags down, it could create a breach of the peace.

The police have told you putting it up isn't a breach of the peace

but taking them down is?

How does that work? You tell me.

If the police tried to remove these flags, then the paramilitaries

will have their boot boys out on the street causing riots.

Well, you know what law and order is like in the country, it's...

In some places it's non-existent

and people have just got to the stage where they do what they like

and the police are sandwiched in the middle.

If they don't take them down, it's a fault

and if they do take them down, it's still a fault

and to do anything about it, there would need to be a political decision.

The politicians in Stormont

are showing a stinking example to both sides of the community.

They're dividing us. Yeah.

Well, they want to keep it all or they wouldn't have their wages.

Put it this way, their pockets are lined.

Aye. They don't need to worry about us.

How is the country ever going to move on?

It just can't move on.

It's stuck in a time warp, so it is,

and it's going backwards instead of going forwards.

Stay on the line, I'll put you through to Stephen.

David in Belfast. Morning, David.

He's phoning up to say he wants Union Jacks took down.

Does he phone up when there's Tricolours up to say,

"Oh, that'll intimidate Protestants?"

MARIE: Every religion and every culture should be represented,

not just the Union flag.

So, then we should have the Polish flag...? Yes!

The West Indies flag and...? Yes! And then where do you stop?

It'll be like a lamppost on the Newtownards Road,

it'll be bending over with flags on them.

Well, put it this way, City Hall's a big fucking place.

This is where, you know, I can't...

You can't take it that you'd kill yourself for a Tricolour. I can't get my head around...

I live in a country that is designated by the United Nations

as part of the United Kingdom

and I can't understand how someone would want to fly a flag,

and like it or not, of a foreign country,

because it is a foreign country.

Well, we're not! It has a completely different...

What would you do in the morning if a united Ireland came?

I would accept it, because I have a choice... Would you still live here or would you fly over

to England and join the English?

I would have a choice.

My choice then would be to live here, go to live in Scotland

or England or Wales and I still want to be part of...

If a united Ireland was given in the morning,

at least I would have that opportunity.

You will never solve the flag issue here, not in a thousand years.

I'll be long gone and when I'm buried it will still be going on!

NOLAN: It's 9am. It's the Nolan Show on BBC Radio Ulster.

And of course the role of the programme is to give you at home

the chance to have your say.

Pick up the phone.

Let's see who's on line one.

Oh, it's not me, now,

that's our senior citizen celebrity sheep farmer.

Well, you're going to have to tell me what you mean by that.

I feel so sorry for these children.

You don't even know what's going on round you!

I get the sneaking feeling that you maybe don't like me.

CALLER LAUGHS

Leave Sammy Wilson alone and don't comment on his red face.

If you look at yourself, you have enough to comment on.

Do you remember that caller, Ciaran,

who was on air a couple of weeks ago doing an impression of...er...

the Health Minister, Simon Hamilton?

He sits in the studio and he goes... "Hey..." HE STUTTERS

Well, he's wanting on this morning again,

this time to do an impression of the DUP's Gregory Campbell.

You want to hear Gregory? Yes.

NORTH WEST ACCENT: Oh!

Gregory Campbell here from Londonderry!

Oh...I meant Derry.

Ah, it's good to get on the radio, Stephen, this morning.

And...I love...

my Peter, my Peter, I love my Peter.

You leave Gregory alone. Ah, no.

I'd love to put my boot in his arse.

Aye. Why? Up his arse. I've known Gregory for over 40 years.

How do you know him? I used to deliver milk to their house.

You used to deliver milk to Gregory Campbell's house? Aye.

Did he ever give you a tip?

The only tip he ever gave me was to join the Orange Order.

Well, unfortunately these things do happen...

Gregory'll be upset.

Ah, well.

Oh, God...

I wouldn't be upset, you know... Ah, no.

And for you, Stephen, to question me on all them Irish things,

you're bringing up the wrong topic.

With your money and all...

What about your money?

Gregory Campbell doesn't give me a hard time about my salary, does he?

Ah, you see, Stephen.

Wait till I tell you something, mate.

You're worth every penny

and don't you let anybody ever tell you any different.

Do you think? Let's put it this way.

I am not licking your arse for anything.

I'm going to try and work out, whose voice is it that you remind me of?

Who is it? Who's that?

I'll tell you who you remind me of, Ciaran. Aye, go ahead.

Now, don't be taking this the wrong way, sure you won't?

Not at all. Go ahead, man, I can assure you I will not be insulted.

You remind me of Zippy from Rainbow. CIARAN LAUGHS

Thank you very much, Stephen, my friend!

Did you ever watch Zippy on Rainbow?

Vinnie, come in here.

# Rainbow climbing high... #

Ciaran, just tell him to get lost.

No, no, just don't butt in there a wee minute.

Is that your real voice?

Well, what other way do you want me to speak?

Radio Face - where the stars of the Nolan radio programme

get their own TV show.

RADIO STATIC

MUSIC BOX PLAYS

Bernie. Yes, Curt. what are you doing with those cookies in bed?

Hmm? Well, I was just hungry, Curt,

so I thought I'd have a few cookies before I went to sleep.

On our programme this morning,

a Newtownabbey-based Christian bakery is facing legal action

from the Equality Commission and this is because they are

refusing to bake a cake with Bert and Ernie arm-in-arm

and the caption "Support Gay Marriage."

The bakery believe producing the cake would amount to endorsing

the campaign for gay marriage and go against their religious convictions.

Well, let me say, if I went to a Muslim bakery and asked them

to bake me a cake and put the image of a pig's head on the top of it,

do you think they would bake it? Of course they wouldn't.

And the same if you went to a Catholic bakery and I asked them

to put on it, "The Pope's the antichrist - send him to hell."

They wouldn't do it.

I don't know whether they're called teacakes...

..cupcakes...

fairy cakes or what kind of cakes they are.

They lost the business. Sure, what about these cakes they do

for boobs and all? Yeah, that's true.

So, what's the difference of doing a booby cake and an ordinary cake?

And they had a cake the other week on Facebook with

a woman producing a baby.

Ugh!

Imagine eating that cake. Yuck.

CALLER: The law is really clear, Stephen.

You can't pick and choose what sides of the law applies to you.

If you're a company that is trading out there in the marketplace,

someone comes to you, you can't pick and choose whether or not

to fulfil that order based on their sexual orientation.

Well, if the bakery wouldn't sell the gay cake,

well I would imagine if they'd sold it and it was a nice cake...

They would have got more business. They would have got more business.

Cos more people would have went to them, so as Marie says,

they lost out in it.

MERVYN: It was going against their principles to say,

"We don't want to bake a cake for these people..."

"These people?" "..because we don't like it."

They don't like what? That is their choice!

They don't like what?

I mean, at the end of the day, Heidi,

Ashers are not against gay people.

If they had asked for an ordinary, plain cake, to be produced

and sold to them, they would have done it.

It was the very fact of what they wanted,

the type of cake they wanted - that's what the objection was.

And do you know why they would have done it?

Because you can't tell a gay person from a straight person

when they're walking in to a blooming bun shop buying buns! I can.

You can?

Who has the right to tell somebody... Of who they can love.

Of who they can love and who they can't love?

I remember when I was first thinking about getting married, I went...

You married a gay boy?

THEY LAUGH

I went to my priest and he wasn't going to marry me

when he found out I was adopted,

because I couldn't prove that I wasn't related in any way to Joe

so at the end of the day, that's the way they get on.

But, see where gay marriages are concerned,

at the end of the day... It's up to themselves.

..they have the equal right, just as us, to...

What do you call it? To get married.

And it's no fun being gay either, I wouldn't imagine.

BERTIE: I know ones living in streets with them

and they say they're quiet people, they keep themselves to themselves.

CARNIVAL MUSIC

HORNS BLARE

NOLAN: So, you wouldn't be offended

if you saw two gay men kissing in the street?

Well, it would be a miracle if I could see them, Stephen,

but if I was able to see, no, I'd walk on by them

as long as they weren't kissing me! HE LAUGHS

Morning, Evelyn.

Morning, Stephen.

It's just so refreshing.

I got up this morning and this is a real good news story for once.

To have Christians standing up for their beliefs.

CROWD CHANT: Sodomy is sin!

What would make being gay a bigger sin than a girl who

has sex outside of marriage?

I know. Or somebody who gets a divorce?

Because what God put together, let no man pull asunder. That's right.

NORMAN: The Bible clearly states that it's an abomination before God.

It's lust and sin that makes people...

..say they're gay. You're not born gay.

Barrymore wasn't born gay.

You just don't grow up and go, "Oh, Jesus, I think I'm gay!"

They're born. It's in them.

If God was supposed to be creator of man,

it was God that created somebody that was gay.

I'm not gay, you know! HE LAUGHS

Never was, but if they want to get married in that way, let them be.

NOLAN: You were born straight, but people can't be born gay?

No, because they did a survey in America with over a thousand people

and the professor that done it says he never found one gay gene in

any of them and he's come to the conclusion that no-one is born gay.

It is my belief... I absolutely believe...

No. It is my belief... Ashers were right.

..that Christians are meant to be nice to everyone. They're not.

Daniel McArthur is the general manager of Ashers Baking Company.

We took this order, received it up to our head office

and we thought that this order was at odds with our beliefs.

I'd like the outcome of this to be

that any Christians running a business could be allowed

to follow their Christian beliefs

and principles in the day-to-day running of their business

and that they are allowed to make decisions based on that.

What sort of a society is that that we're living in?

"Let them eat cake but only if they're straight"?

I would think, in my own personal opinion of Jesus,

first point, I think he'd be a great socialist,

and the second point, he loves us all.

That's the thing, he says, "Love thy neighbour" but sure,

what if your neighbour's a man?

Well, it says, "Love your neighbour as yourself."

If I was running a guesthouse and two gay men came to my house

and asked for a room for the night, I would say,

"Certainly you can have a room, but yous'll sleep in separate rooms."

So you actually care about their sex life, do you?

I wouldn't have them committing a sin under my roof.

CUCKOO CLOCK STRIKES

I'm a great believer in live and let live.

Live and let live, do you know?

This is the way I think. When you're born onto Planet Earth,

you should have a basic human right to move freely across Planet Earth.

Nobody holds the right to judge us of our colour,

creed or religion, et cetera.

That's right. Regardless who you are or what you are. Yes, that's right.

What your sexuality is or what your sexuality is not.

I believe Jesus loves us all. That's me own opinion.

RADIO STATIC

Look at your hair -

you'd think you were trailed through a hedge backwards.

RADIO: 'I am a very stylish girl.'

Beauty pageants - are they wrong? Belfast is set to play host

to the Northern Ireland's Cutest Kids pageant.

This week hordes of parents are lining their kids up

to enter the competition with kids as young as four.

It's come under fire from those who disagree with

these type of pageants, but what do you think?

Is it wrong to judge children in this context

or can they be a good thing?

Good morning. Go ahead. Morning, Stephen.

Yeah, I just don't like these things. I think they're really sad.

I think it's awful to be setting kids to be, setting kids up,

really, to be... You know we weren't in beauty pageants.

We got the ugly stick.

How dare you! I got bonny baby and everything in Mossley.

SHE SNORTS

So I did.

What do they win? They win cash.

I won one.

You did not. I was three.

Did you wear make-up and have a wee tutu? I wore everything.

That's where I wore the miniskirt and I was absolutely gorgeous.

No, but I think it's disgraceful. Out of 650 competitors, I won.

MUSIC: Mr Lover Man by Shabba Ranks

HE SNORES

Maybe Nolan was a bonny baby in his days.

Anne-Marie... Well... Come on!

Do you think Nolan, looking at Nolan

and what he's like on them shows... Ach, he's a wee cutie face.

Aye, he's a cutie face and wee dimples, his wee dimples. Aye.

But you look at him on Nolan Show on a Wednesday night.

Do you think... It's only a mother could love. Well, that is true.

It is only a mother can love him.

Mary is on the line. She wants to have a chat with you.

Good morning, Mary.

Why are we playing this music? We'll find out now. Mary? Yes?

I'm Mary from Newry.

And I'm not a young woman.

I have no family. I'm on my own and just my dog, Sparky.

Stephen, I've never heard anybody - and I'm surprised I haven't,

but I hope to do from now on -

ringing in to say your programme is fantastic. Not just that,

you are a lovely, lovely, lovely-looking fella.

Mary, do you wear glasses? Yes.

Well... Only for reading.

She might need to check her prescription.

No, wait a minute, only for reading.

He has a wee bit of cuteness about him. I don't think he's ugly.

Nobody is really ugly. I don't think he's ugly.

Certain clothes that he wears that he's all right looking in.

He doesn't suit that white shirt he had on today.

He did, actually. Did he? I thought he did.

I'd rather have him in his other shirt. No, I like the jeans.

Jeans were all right. I... Some of my friends think he's gorgeous.

How do you feel about swearing in parks? Oh, fuck!

Waterford Council have caused a stir

after they decided to introduce a ban on the use of obscene

or profane language from all parks in the county.

If you're caught, you risk a 900 quid fine and being kicked out.

Would you welcome such a rule here?

Well, guess what - you don't need to welcome it

because we already have it.

Belfast City Council have told this programme it is an offence to use

indecent or obscene language likely to cause annoyance to other persons.

Is this a good idea to promote a positive, family-friendly atmosphere

or the nanny state sticking its nose where it shouldn't be?

Well, here, Stephen, if you were in the park

and somebody came up and said to you, "You're only after cursing",

are they supposed to film you

and tape you actually saying the bad words?

You could just turn round and say, "Well, prove it."

If you're in the park on your own, not unless you've got Tourette's,

who are you going to swear to? Yeah.

Stephen, welcome to the nanny state.

People swearing in parks, of course it's wrong

because there's children playing in parks,

but to impose a fine on someone,

it will not work for the simple reason - who's going to impose it

and who's going to catch the people?

I think it's a stupid idea for a start.

Swearing, it's going on day and daily.

I see it in my own street here, wee ones, they're hardly able to walk,

they're coming out with the F word and all these other words,

and obviously they must be hearing it in the house.

Would you not just tone down your language?

Well, I wouldn't really swear in the park.

What's there to swear in the park at,

not unless you rolled in dog shit?

Or walked in it.

Are you going to go,

"Look at that bastarding tree, the leaves have fell off it again"?

You'd hardly say that.

Bastarding leaves falling off them bastarding trees!

You two swear every two minutes about everything.

Yeah, but we don't say it out. But that's talking to fucking you, that's why.

Aye, you bring the worst out in us.

Wait till I tell you something.

See the way the country is going now, you'll not be allowed to

go out and bless yourself and that's the state of the place now.

You're not allowed to do this,

you're not allowed to do that,

you're not allowed to do the other thing. Fining you everything.

Listen to you! You've got the worst mouth. You've the mouth of a sewer.

You couldn't bring you nowhere. Aye, and I'll tell you something,

they'll slap a fine on me, I'll do time for it before I'll pay it.

Oh, good. I'll visit you. They'll slap a fine on me.

The former mayor, Jim Rodgers, with us this morning.

So this is a rule already, Jim?

Not enforced, no doubt. Good morning, Stephen.

Have you got fags? I've rollies here.

Oh, I'll have a rollie, you take a fag.

For many, many years, council got a lot of complaints

about foul and abusive language,

especially with young people running around,

and that's why it was introduced.

It's bad parenting and that's what needs to be addressed

instead of slapping a fine on someone,

but if you go into the supermarkets and shopping centres,

you'll hear all the swearing that you want from women with children

in prams, and that's more disgusting than what it is in the parks.

I've seen my wee ones looking at you

when you've come out with a mouthful.

Well, sure... And they've asked me, what do you mean?

Well, you... I just says, she doesn't be well sometimes,

she doesn't know what she's saying!

Wait till I tell you something. You send the youngsters to me

and I'll tell them exactly what I'm saying.

Parents don't swear at their kids in supermarkets.

Of course they do, Stephen.

I've heard it, so I have,

and what you say, the kid will pick up and the kid will say it,

and I've heard kids in the street,

if you go out and tell kids to clear off,

they'll come out with the F word and call you all the names of the day.

Bad language is a sign of somebody who has a very limited vocabulary.

Oh, well, that's right, that's what I've got(!)

You're right. You just keep to that.

Before we go, you and I will end up falling out

and we'll never get to where we're going because I'll throw you out.

How would they police this?

If you're walking through a park and you see somebody spitting or

cursing and you walk over, you're liable to get a hiding out of it.

NORMAN: Stephen, if you look at the flag protests...

Ulster's British! Yeah!

CHEERING

People are swearing at the police and the police stand idly by

and just watch it and take a photo of it,

so how are they going to impose it in a park

when the police can't even impose it on the street?

And if I was a warden,

I wouldn't like to go up to some of these people and say,

"I'm fining you for swearing," because I know what would happen.

You know what people are like nowadays,

with the road rage and trolley rage.

People can say, "I can report you for swearing,"

but at the end of the day, as Anne-Marie says, prove it.

What, are you going to swear at your dog and to run and get the ball?

"For fuck's sake, get that ball!"

SHE LAUGHS

Or are you going to swear at your kids? "Will you BLEEP get off that

"and get on the other thing, for BLEEP sake, I want to go home!"

Aye. But I don't think so.

Here's Graham in Portadown. Morning, Graham. Good morning, Stephen.

As far as I'm concerned, my dog can defecate where it likes.

I'll throw my paper where it likes and I will curse where I want to.

And do you know what? I've two words for Jim Rodgers

and the second one's "off".

Well, that's just... That's just impolite, ridiculous.

So you two wouldn't mind, then, a rule on swearing in a park?

Wouldn't give a shite, like, I've never heard anybody swearing.

I haven't heard anybody swearing in a park. So I haven't.

Put it this way, I haven't been actually close enough

to anybody's conversation to hear them swearing.

You haven't been nosy enough. Yeah, that's a better word, Anne-Marie.

You haven't been nosy enough to hear anybody's conversation in the park.

Because you would need to be on top of somebody to actually...

Aye, on top of somebody, or in the bushes!

Then you could have a hell of a swear.

There is the inside voice coming back out again, Anne-Marie.

N-N-No. You have to be close enough. Buh-buh-buh-buh!

I know, see, you've got me stumped.

You have to be close enough to hear somebody swear,

and if you're close enough, you're being a nosy fucker.

Do you know what? When we were creating this show,

we just knew that we needed the bottle, the authenticity

of what makes a Nolan listener,

and there's no doubt that every single one of them have now

become huge stars of their own show, so to all of you, thank you.

You want to see a countryman, you come to the city

because there's none in the country.

I'm telling you, I'll teach you a thing or two.

When I get up to Ballygowan, ooh!

Would you let him up to Ballygowan? Oh, God...

The gay cake?

Oh, aye, about the bakery?

Do you know where it fits?

Up his hole.

Oh, he's taking something down.

Oh, holy Jesus, he's taking my clock down next.

Jesus, the house is wrecked.

I know you want me to say to you... I'm deflated.

.."Give me your number," but it's not going to happen.

No, I know it's not. Cos if you and I...

If I give you a number it'll be ex-directory.

If you and I went into the Cathedral Quarter,

it'd be nothing but rows and rows.

I'd be standing beside you, I would happen to glance over

and there's another woman standing there

and I'll be saying to myself, "Jesus, look at her."

You would be raging. Do you ever stop?

You would be raging, honestly.

DOG BARKS

We hear you, so we do. We hear you.

PRODUCER: What about Norman from Bangor?

Oh, no, no! I'll get angry at him but I still laugh.

But Norman, no, I think Norman is a bit extreme, so he is.

MUSIC: Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin

# Don't worry, be happy now... #

HE HUMS ALONG

# Don't worry

# Be happy

# Don't worry, be happy... #

Brilliant.