Episode 5 Radio Face


Episode 5

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Stand by as the listeners to the biggest radio show in the country

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are given their own TV show.

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Norman.

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Anne-Marie.

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Marie.

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Bertie.

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Carmel.

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Mervyn and Heidi.

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Radio Face is not recorded live

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but after the programme has finished,

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these are real listeners to the Nolan Show continuing

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the conversation while I stay in the studio and they speak to me

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from their own homes and cars.

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Now, we've been contacted by a caller, Gavin, who - here we go,

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it's this time of the year again -

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has a concern over flags in Glengormley.

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Stephen, I just want to point out a few things

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about stirring up tensions in Glengormley.

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They've put Union Jacks the whole length of the Antrim line

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there up beside KFC in Glengormley.

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It's the first time it's happened in 18 years.

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Normally they just keep it to the centre of Glengormley,

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but this year they seem to be trying to stir up tensions, you know?

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And does a flag really intimidate you?

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Well, it does.

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You go into your streets, you'll see a flag

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nearly on every post. Every house is flying the flags.

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You go into our estates

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and you'll see a flag here and there.

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I've known people within the Unionist community

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who have fought and died for that flag.

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People died for your flag.

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People died for our flag. It's the same on both sides.

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But we don't shove the flag in people's faces.

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But a flag'll not hurt you either, unless it's on the end of a pole

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and somebody hits you over the head with it,

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but it's important in the cultural aspect of my community.

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You're saying a flag won't hurt you,

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but yet when it came to Christmas there two years ago,

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yous were down outside the City Hall stopping people having a...

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A Christmas.

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I did not bring my child down into the atmosphere. Yes, cos we were worried.

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Because of what was going on.

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Come out and face us, you bastards!

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And on top of that there,

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it happened the same last year and my child was up my backside.

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No surrender!

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Stephen...

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People are entitled to their culture,

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but when you put flags on every flag post along the road,

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it is intimidating.

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What you're telling the people is, "This is a loyalist area."

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You know what my solution to the flag issue at the City Hall is?

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My solution to the flag issue at the City Hall - put the Union

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flag back up, fly international flags right round the City Hall.

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It's a big building and it'll keep everybody happy.

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But guess what? Guess what? They won't do it.

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They wouldn't agree to have the Tricolour on it.

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The only flag they want up is the British flag.

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No, but, see, hear me out. So, it's all down to the flag.

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Belfast is a lovely city and they'll fly our flag. Solution. End of.

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Yous don't want a solution here! Yous don't want it! No, I think...

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I think the politicians are just making more money out of it,

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so they're just going to keep it going on and on and on.

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Do you think that I would be right to ask the Republic of Ireland

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to fly the Union Jack above their state buildings?

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Do you think that that would be right? Yes. No, it's not right.

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BERTIE: I don't know nothing about it, not being able to see them, but I just hear all about them

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on the radio there about paramilitary flags

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and seemingly there's been ones that have jumped on the bandwagon over the years,

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they've put other flags up, even of Israel and other countries

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and I don't know what's the meaning of it.

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It is a working-class issue.

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It is a ghetto issue. To put flags up is what we do.

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We don't care if... Who's "we"?

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The people who live in the area.

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Are you calling yourself working class, Mervyn?

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Yes, I'm born and bred working class.

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You're not working class, though. Me now? Yeah. Probably not.

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No, you're definitely not working class.

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NOLAN: You've contacted the police?

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Yes. The PSNI say they want nothing to do with it,

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because there was no breach of the peace, yet if we go out to

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take the flags down, it could create a breach of the peace.

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The police have told you putting it up isn't a breach of the peace

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but taking them down is?

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How does that work? You tell me.

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If the police tried to remove these flags, then the paramilitaries

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will have their boot boys out on the street causing riots.

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Well, you know what law and order is like in the country, it's...

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In some places it's non-existent

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and people have just got to the stage where they do what they like

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and the police are sandwiched in the middle.

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If they don't take them down, it's a fault

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and if they do take them down, it's still a fault

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and to do anything about it, there would need to be a political decision.

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The politicians in Stormont

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are showing a stinking example to both sides of the community.

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They're dividing us. Yeah.

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Well, they want to keep it all or they wouldn't have their wages.

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Put it this way, their pockets are lined.

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Aye. They don't need to worry about us.

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How is the country ever going to move on?

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It just can't move on.

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It's stuck in a time warp, so it is,

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and it's going backwards instead of going forwards.

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Stay on the line, I'll put you through to Stephen.

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David in Belfast. Morning, David.

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He's phoning up to say he wants Union Jacks took down.

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Does he phone up when there's Tricolours up to say,

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"Oh, that'll intimidate Protestants?"

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MARIE: Every religion and every culture should be represented,

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not just the Union flag.

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So, then we should have the Polish flag...? Yes!

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The West Indies flag and...? Yes! And then where do you stop?

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It'll be like a lamppost on the Newtownards Road,

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it'll be bending over with flags on them.

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Well, put it this way, City Hall's a big fucking place.

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This is where, you know, I can't...

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You can't take it that you'd kill yourself for a Tricolour. I can't get my head around...

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I live in a country that is designated by the United Nations

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as part of the United Kingdom

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and I can't understand how someone would want to fly a flag,

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and like it or not, of a foreign country,

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because it is a foreign country.

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Well, we're not! It has a completely different...

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What would you do in the morning if a united Ireland came?

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I would accept it, because I have a choice... Would you still live here or would you fly over

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to England and join the English?

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I would have a choice.

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My choice then would be to live here, go to live in Scotland

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or England or Wales and I still want to be part of...

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If a united Ireland was given in the morning,

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at least I would have that opportunity.

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You will never solve the flag issue here, not in a thousand years.

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I'll be long gone and when I'm buried it will still be going on!

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NOLAN: It's 9am. It's the Nolan Show on BBC Radio Ulster.

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And of course the role of the programme is to give you at home

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the chance to have your say.

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Pick up the phone.

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Let's see who's on line one.

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Oh, it's not me, now,

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that's our senior citizen celebrity sheep farmer.

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Well, you're going to have to tell me what you mean by that.

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I feel so sorry for these children.

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You don't even know what's going on round you!

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I get the sneaking feeling that you maybe don't like me.

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CALLER LAUGHS

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Leave Sammy Wilson alone and don't comment on his red face.

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If you look at yourself, you have enough to comment on.

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Do you remember that caller, Ciaran,

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who was on air a couple of weeks ago doing an impression of...er...

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the Health Minister, Simon Hamilton?

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He sits in the studio and he goes... "Hey..." HE STUTTERS

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Well, he's wanting on this morning again,

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this time to do an impression of the DUP's Gregory Campbell.

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You want to hear Gregory? Yes.

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NORTH WEST ACCENT: Oh!

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Gregory Campbell here from Londonderry!

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Oh...I meant Derry.

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Ah, it's good to get on the radio, Stephen, this morning.

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And...I love...

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my Peter, my Peter, I love my Peter.

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You leave Gregory alone. Ah, no.

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I'd love to put my boot in his arse.

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Aye. Why? Up his arse. I've known Gregory for over 40 years.

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How do you know him? I used to deliver milk to their house.

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You used to deliver milk to Gregory Campbell's house? Aye.

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Did he ever give you a tip?

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The only tip he ever gave me was to join the Orange Order.

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Well, unfortunately these things do happen...

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Gregory'll be upset.

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Ah, well.

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Oh, God...

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I wouldn't be upset, you know... Ah, no.

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And for you, Stephen, to question me on all them Irish things,

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you're bringing up the wrong topic.

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With your money and all...

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What about your money?

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Gregory Campbell doesn't give me a hard time about my salary, does he?

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Ah, you see, Stephen.

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Wait till I tell you something, mate.

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You're worth every penny

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and don't you let anybody ever tell you any different.

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Do you think? Let's put it this way.

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I am not licking your arse for anything.

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I'm going to try and work out, whose voice is it that you remind me of?

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Who is it? Who's that?

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I'll tell you who you remind me of, Ciaran. Aye, go ahead.

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Now, don't be taking this the wrong way, sure you won't?

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Not at all. Go ahead, man, I can assure you I will not be insulted.

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You remind me of Zippy from Rainbow. CIARAN LAUGHS

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Thank you very much, Stephen, my friend!

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Did you ever watch Zippy on Rainbow?

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Vinnie, come in here.

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# Rainbow climbing high... #

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Ciaran, just tell him to get lost.

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No, no, just don't butt in there a wee minute.

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Is that your real voice?

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Well, what other way do you want me to speak?

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Radio Face - where the stars of the Nolan radio programme

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get their own TV show.

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RADIO STATIC

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MUSIC BOX PLAYS

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Bernie. Yes, Curt. what are you doing with those cookies in bed?

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Hmm? Well, I was just hungry, Curt,

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so I thought I'd have a few cookies before I went to sleep.

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On our programme this morning,

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a Newtownabbey-based Christian bakery is facing legal action

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from the Equality Commission and this is because they are

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refusing to bake a cake with Bert and Ernie arm-in-arm

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and the caption "Support Gay Marriage."

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The bakery believe producing the cake would amount to endorsing

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the campaign for gay marriage and go against their religious convictions.

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Well, let me say, if I went to a Muslim bakery and asked them

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to bake me a cake and put the image of a pig's head on the top of it,

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do you think they would bake it? Of course they wouldn't.

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And the same if you went to a Catholic bakery and I asked them

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to put on it, "The Pope's the antichrist - send him to hell."

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They wouldn't do it.

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I don't know whether they're called teacakes...

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..cupcakes...

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fairy cakes or what kind of cakes they are.

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They lost the business. Sure, what about these cakes they do

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for boobs and all? Yeah, that's true.

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So, what's the difference of doing a booby cake and an ordinary cake?

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And they had a cake the other week on Facebook with

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a woman producing a baby.

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Ugh!

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Imagine eating that cake. Yuck.

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CALLER: The law is really clear, Stephen.

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You can't pick and choose what sides of the law applies to you.

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If you're a company that is trading out there in the marketplace,

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someone comes to you, you can't pick and choose whether or not

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to fulfil that order based on their sexual orientation.

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Well, if the bakery wouldn't sell the gay cake,

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well I would imagine if they'd sold it and it was a nice cake...

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They would have got more business. They would have got more business.

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Cos more people would have went to them, so as Marie says,

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they lost out in it.

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MERVYN: It was going against their principles to say,

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"We don't want to bake a cake for these people..."

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"These people?" "..because we don't like it."

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They don't like what? That is their choice!

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They don't like what?

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I mean, at the end of the day, Heidi,

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Ashers are not against gay people.

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If they had asked for an ordinary, plain cake, to be produced

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and sold to them, they would have done it.

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It was the very fact of what they wanted,

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the type of cake they wanted - that's what the objection was.

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And do you know why they would have done it?

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Because you can't tell a gay person from a straight person

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when they're walking in to a blooming bun shop buying buns! I can.

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You can?

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Who has the right to tell somebody... Of who they can love.

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Of who they can love and who they can't love?

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I remember when I was first thinking about getting married, I went...

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You married a gay boy?

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THEY LAUGH

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I went to my priest and he wasn't going to marry me

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when he found out I was adopted,

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because I couldn't prove that I wasn't related in any way to Joe

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so at the end of the day, that's the way they get on.

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But, see where gay marriages are concerned,

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at the end of the day... It's up to themselves.

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..they have the equal right, just as us, to...

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What do you call it? To get married.

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And it's no fun being gay either, I wouldn't imagine.

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BERTIE: I know ones living in streets with them

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and they say they're quiet people, they keep themselves to themselves.

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CARNIVAL MUSIC

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HORNS BLARE

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NOLAN: So, you wouldn't be offended

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if you saw two gay men kissing in the street?

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Well, it would be a miracle if I could see them, Stephen,

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but if I was able to see, no, I'd walk on by them

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as long as they weren't kissing me! HE LAUGHS

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Morning, Evelyn.

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Morning, Stephen.

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It's just so refreshing.

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I got up this morning and this is a real good news story for once.

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To have Christians standing up for their beliefs.

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CROWD CHANT: Sodomy is sin!

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What would make being gay a bigger sin than a girl who

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has sex outside of marriage?

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I know. Or somebody who gets a divorce?

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Because what God put together, let no man pull asunder. That's right.

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NORMAN: The Bible clearly states that it's an abomination before God.

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It's lust and sin that makes people...

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..say they're gay. You're not born gay.

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Barrymore wasn't born gay.

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You just don't grow up and go, "Oh, Jesus, I think I'm gay!"

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They're born. It's in them.

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If God was supposed to be creator of man,

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it was God that created somebody that was gay.

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I'm not gay, you know! HE LAUGHS

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Never was, but if they want to get married in that way, let them be.

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NOLAN: You were born straight, but people can't be born gay?

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No, because they did a survey in America with over a thousand people

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and the professor that done it says he never found one gay gene in

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any of them and he's come to the conclusion that no-one is born gay.

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It is my belief... I absolutely believe...

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No. It is my belief... Ashers were right.

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..that Christians are meant to be nice to everyone. They're not.

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Daniel McArthur is the general manager of Ashers Baking Company.

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We took this order, received it up to our head office

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and we thought that this order was at odds with our beliefs.

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I'd like the outcome of this to be

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that any Christians running a business could be allowed

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to follow their Christian beliefs

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and principles in the day-to-day running of their business

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and that they are allowed to make decisions based on that.

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What sort of a society is that that we're living in?

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"Let them eat cake but only if they're straight"?

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I would think, in my own personal opinion of Jesus,

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first point, I think he'd be a great socialist,

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and the second point, he loves us all.

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That's the thing, he says, "Love thy neighbour" but sure,

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what if your neighbour's a man?

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Well, it says, "Love your neighbour as yourself."

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If I was running a guesthouse and two gay men came to my house

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and asked for a room for the night, I would say,

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"Certainly you can have a room, but yous'll sleep in separate rooms."

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So you actually care about their sex life, do you?

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I wouldn't have them committing a sin under my roof.

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CUCKOO CLOCK STRIKES

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I'm a great believer in live and let live.

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Live and let live, do you know?

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This is the way I think. When you're born onto Planet Earth,

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you should have a basic human right to move freely across Planet Earth.

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Nobody holds the right to judge us of our colour,

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creed or religion, et cetera.

0:16:460:16:48

That's right. Regardless who you are or what you are. Yes, that's right.

0:16:480:16:51

What your sexuality is or what your sexuality is not.

0:16:510:16:54

I believe Jesus loves us all. That's me own opinion.

0:16:540:16:57

RADIO STATIC

0:17:050:17:07

Look at your hair -

0:17:080:17:09

you'd think you were trailed through a hedge backwards.

0:17:090:17:12

RADIO: 'I am a very stylish girl.'

0:17:120:17:14

Beauty pageants - are they wrong? Belfast is set to play host

0:17:140:17:17

to the Northern Ireland's Cutest Kids pageant.

0:17:170:17:20

This week hordes of parents are lining their kids up

0:17:200:17:23

to enter the competition with kids as young as four.

0:17:230:17:26

It's come under fire from those who disagree with

0:17:260:17:29

these type of pageants, but what do you think?

0:17:290:17:31

Is it wrong to judge children in this context

0:17:310:17:34

or can they be a good thing?

0:17:340:17:36

Good morning. Go ahead. Morning, Stephen.

0:17:360:17:38

Yeah, I just don't like these things. I think they're really sad.

0:17:380:17:41

I think it's awful to be setting kids to be, setting kids up,

0:17:410:17:44

really, to be... You know we weren't in beauty pageants.

0:17:440:17:47

We got the ugly stick.

0:17:470:17:49

How dare you! I got bonny baby and everything in Mossley.

0:17:490:17:54

SHE SNORTS

0:17:540:17:55

So I did.

0:17:550:17:56

What do they win? They win cash.

0:17:560:17:59

I won one.

0:17:590:18:01

You did not. I was three.

0:18:010:18:03

Did you wear make-up and have a wee tutu? I wore everything.

0:18:030:18:07

That's where I wore the miniskirt and I was absolutely gorgeous.

0:18:070:18:10

No, but I think it's disgraceful. Out of 650 competitors, I won.

0:18:100:18:14

MUSIC: Mr Lover Man by Shabba Ranks

0:18:140:18:17

HE SNORES

0:18:170:18:19

Maybe Nolan was a bonny baby in his days.

0:18:210:18:24

Anne-Marie... Well... Come on!

0:18:240:18:26

Do you think Nolan, looking at Nolan

0:18:310:18:33

and what he's like on them shows... Ach, he's a wee cutie face.

0:18:330:18:36

Aye, he's a cutie face and wee dimples, his wee dimples. Aye.

0:18:360:18:39

But you look at him on Nolan Show on a Wednesday night.

0:18:390:18:43

Do you think... It's only a mother could love. Well, that is true.

0:18:430:18:46

It is only a mother can love him.

0:18:460:18:48

Mary is on the line. She wants to have a chat with you.

0:18:480:18:50

Good morning, Mary.

0:18:500:18:51

Why are we playing this music? We'll find out now. Mary? Yes?

0:18:510:18:55

I'm Mary from Newry.

0:18:550:18:56

And I'm not a young woman.

0:18:560:18:58

I have no family. I'm on my own and just my dog, Sparky.

0:18:580:19:01

Stephen, I've never heard anybody - and I'm surprised I haven't,

0:19:010:19:06

but I hope to do from now on -

0:19:060:19:07

ringing in to say your programme is fantastic. Not just that,

0:19:070:19:11

you are a lovely, lovely, lovely-looking fella.

0:19:110:19:14

Mary, do you wear glasses? Yes.

0:19:140:19:16

Well... Only for reading.

0:19:160:19:18

She might need to check her prescription.

0:19:180:19:21

No, wait a minute, only for reading.

0:19:210:19:22

He has a wee bit of cuteness about him. I don't think he's ugly.

0:19:220:19:25

Nobody is really ugly. I don't think he's ugly.

0:19:250:19:28

Certain clothes that he wears that he's all right looking in.

0:19:280:19:30

He doesn't suit that white shirt he had on today.

0:19:300:19:32

He did, actually. Did he? I thought he did.

0:19:320:19:34

I'd rather have him in his other shirt. No, I like the jeans.

0:19:340:19:37

Jeans were all right. I... Some of my friends think he's gorgeous.

0:19:370:19:41

How do you feel about swearing in parks? Oh, fuck!

0:19:500:19:53

Waterford Council have caused a stir

0:19:560:19:58

after they decided to introduce a ban on the use of obscene

0:19:580:20:02

or profane language from all parks in the county.

0:20:020:20:05

If you're caught, you risk a 900 quid fine and being kicked out.

0:20:050:20:10

Would you welcome such a rule here?

0:20:120:20:14

Well, guess what - you don't need to welcome it

0:20:140:20:16

because we already have it.

0:20:160:20:18

Belfast City Council have told this programme it is an offence to use

0:20:180:20:22

indecent or obscene language likely to cause annoyance to other persons.

0:20:220:20:26

Is this a good idea to promote a positive, family-friendly atmosphere

0:20:260:20:30

or the nanny state sticking its nose where it shouldn't be?

0:20:300:20:34

Well, here, Stephen, if you were in the park

0:20:340:20:37

and somebody came up and said to you, "You're only after cursing",

0:20:370:20:41

are they supposed to film you

0:20:410:20:43

and tape you actually saying the bad words?

0:20:430:20:47

You could just turn round and say, "Well, prove it."

0:20:470:20:50

If you're in the park on your own, not unless you've got Tourette's,

0:20:500:20:54

who are you going to swear to? Yeah.

0:20:540:20:57

Stephen, welcome to the nanny state.

0:20:570:21:00

People swearing in parks, of course it's wrong

0:21:000:21:03

because there's children playing in parks,

0:21:030:21:05

but to impose a fine on someone,

0:21:050:21:09

it will not work for the simple reason - who's going to impose it

0:21:090:21:14

and who's going to catch the people?

0:21:140:21:16

I think it's a stupid idea for a start.

0:21:160:21:19

Swearing, it's going on day and daily.

0:21:190:21:21

I see it in my own street here, wee ones, they're hardly able to walk,

0:21:210:21:25

they're coming out with the F word and all these other words,

0:21:250:21:29

and obviously they must be hearing it in the house.

0:21:290:21:32

Would you not just tone down your language?

0:21:320:21:34

Well, I wouldn't really swear in the park.

0:21:340:21:37

What's there to swear in the park at,

0:21:370:21:40

not unless you rolled in dog shit?

0:21:400:21:43

Or walked in it.

0:21:430:21:44

Are you going to go,

0:21:440:21:45

"Look at that bastarding tree, the leaves have fell off it again"?

0:21:450:21:49

You'd hardly say that.

0:21:490:21:51

Bastarding leaves falling off them bastarding trees!

0:21:530:21:56

You two swear every two minutes about everything.

0:22:010:22:04

Yeah, but we don't say it out. But that's talking to fucking you, that's why.

0:22:040:22:07

Aye, you bring the worst out in us.

0:22:070:22:09

Wait till I tell you something.

0:22:090:22:10

See the way the country is going now, you'll not be allowed to

0:22:100:22:14

go out and bless yourself and that's the state of the place now.

0:22:140:22:18

You're not allowed to do this,

0:22:180:22:20

you're not allowed to do that,

0:22:200:22:22

you're not allowed to do the other thing. Fining you everything.

0:22:220:22:24

Listen to you! You've got the worst mouth. You've the mouth of a sewer.

0:22:240:22:28

You couldn't bring you nowhere. Aye, and I'll tell you something,

0:22:280:22:31

they'll slap a fine on me, I'll do time for it before I'll pay it.

0:22:310:22:36

Oh, good. I'll visit you. They'll slap a fine on me.

0:22:360:22:39

The former mayor, Jim Rodgers, with us this morning.

0:22:390:22:42

So this is a rule already, Jim?

0:22:420:22:44

Not enforced, no doubt. Good morning, Stephen.

0:22:440:22:46

Have you got fags? I've rollies here.

0:22:460:22:48

Oh, I'll have a rollie, you take a fag.

0:22:480:22:51

For many, many years, council got a lot of complaints

0:22:510:22:54

about foul and abusive language,

0:22:540:22:57

especially with young people running around,

0:22:570:23:00

and that's why it was introduced.

0:23:000:23:02

It's bad parenting and that's what needs to be addressed

0:23:020:23:05

instead of slapping a fine on someone,

0:23:050:23:07

but if you go into the supermarkets and shopping centres,

0:23:070:23:11

you'll hear all the swearing that you want from women with children

0:23:110:23:15

in prams, and that's more disgusting than what it is in the parks.

0:23:150:23:19

I've seen my wee ones looking at you

0:23:220:23:24

when you've come out with a mouthful.

0:23:240:23:25

Well, sure... And they've asked me, what do you mean?

0:23:250:23:29

Well, you... I just says, she doesn't be well sometimes,

0:23:290:23:32

she doesn't know what she's saying!

0:23:320:23:34

Wait till I tell you something. You send the youngsters to me

0:23:340:23:37

and I'll tell them exactly what I'm saying.

0:23:370:23:39

Parents don't swear at their kids in supermarkets.

0:23:390:23:41

Of course they do, Stephen.

0:23:410:23:43

I've heard it, so I have,

0:23:430:23:45

and what you say, the kid will pick up and the kid will say it,

0:23:450:23:49

and I've heard kids in the street,

0:23:490:23:51

if you go out and tell kids to clear off,

0:23:510:23:54

they'll come out with the F word and call you all the names of the day.

0:23:540:23:58

Bad language is a sign of somebody who has a very limited vocabulary.

0:23:580:24:02

Oh, well, that's right, that's what I've got(!)

0:24:020:24:05

You're right. You just keep to that.

0:24:050:24:07

Before we go, you and I will end up falling out

0:24:070:24:10

and we'll never get to where we're going because I'll throw you out.

0:24:100:24:14

How would they police this?

0:24:180:24:20

If you're walking through a park and you see somebody spitting or

0:24:200:24:23

cursing and you walk over, you're liable to get a hiding out of it.

0:24:230:24:29

NORMAN: Stephen, if you look at the flag protests...

0:24:290:24:32

Ulster's British! Yeah!

0:24:320:24:34

CHEERING

0:24:340:24:35

People are swearing at the police and the police stand idly by

0:24:350:24:39

and just watch it and take a photo of it,

0:24:390:24:41

so how are they going to impose it in a park

0:24:410:24:44

when the police can't even impose it on the street?

0:24:440:24:47

And if I was a warden,

0:24:470:24:48

I wouldn't like to go up to some of these people and say,

0:24:480:24:51

"I'm fining you for swearing," because I know what would happen.

0:24:510:24:54

You know what people are like nowadays,

0:24:540:24:58

with the road rage and trolley rage.

0:24:580:25:00

People can say, "I can report you for swearing,"

0:25:000:25:03

but at the end of the day, as Anne-Marie says, prove it.

0:25:030:25:05

What, are you going to swear at your dog and to run and get the ball?

0:25:050:25:09

"For fuck's sake, get that ball!"

0:25:090:25:11

SHE LAUGHS

0:25:110:25:12

Or are you going to swear at your kids? "Will you BLEEP get off that

0:25:120:25:16

"and get on the other thing, for BLEEP sake, I want to go home!"

0:25:160:25:19

Aye. But I don't think so.

0:25:190:25:21

Here's Graham in Portadown. Morning, Graham. Good morning, Stephen.

0:25:210:25:24

As far as I'm concerned, my dog can defecate where it likes.

0:25:240:25:27

I'll throw my paper where it likes and I will curse where I want to.

0:25:270:25:30

And do you know what? I've two words for Jim Rodgers

0:25:300:25:33

and the second one's "off".

0:25:330:25:34

Well, that's just... That's just impolite, ridiculous.

0:25:340:25:38

So you two wouldn't mind, then, a rule on swearing in a park?

0:25:390:25:43

Wouldn't give a shite, like, I've never heard anybody swearing.

0:25:430:25:47

I haven't heard anybody swearing in a park. So I haven't.

0:25:470:25:52

Put it this way, I haven't been actually close enough

0:25:520:25:54

to anybody's conversation to hear them swearing.

0:25:540:25:57

You haven't been nosy enough. Yeah, that's a better word, Anne-Marie.

0:25:570:26:02

You haven't been nosy enough to hear anybody's conversation in the park.

0:26:020:26:05

Because you would need to be on top of somebody to actually...

0:26:050:26:08

Aye, on top of somebody, or in the bushes!

0:26:080:26:11

Then you could have a hell of a swear.

0:26:130:26:15

There is the inside voice coming back out again, Anne-Marie.

0:26:150:26:19

N-N-No. You have to be close enough. Buh-buh-buh-buh!

0:26:190:26:22

I know, see, you've got me stumped.

0:26:220:26:24

You have to be close enough to hear somebody swear,

0:26:240:26:27

and if you're close enough, you're being a nosy fucker.

0:26:270:26:30

Do you know what? When we were creating this show,

0:26:380:26:40

we just knew that we needed the bottle, the authenticity

0:26:400:26:44

of what makes a Nolan listener,

0:26:440:26:46

and there's no doubt that every single one of them have now

0:26:460:26:49

become huge stars of their own show, so to all of you, thank you.

0:26:490:26:55

You want to see a countryman, you come to the city

0:26:550:26:57

because there's none in the country.

0:26:570:26:59

I'm telling you, I'll teach you a thing or two.

0:26:590:27:01

When I get up to Ballygowan, ooh!

0:27:010:27:04

Would you let him up to Ballygowan? Oh, God...

0:27:040:27:07

The gay cake?

0:27:070:27:08

Oh, aye, about the bakery?

0:27:080:27:10

Do you know where it fits?

0:27:100:27:12

Up his hole.

0:27:120:27:13

Oh, he's taking something down.

0:27:140:27:16

Oh, holy Jesus, he's taking my clock down next.

0:27:160:27:19

Jesus, the house is wrecked.

0:27:200:27:21

I know you want me to say to you... I'm deflated.

0:27:210:27:24

.."Give me your number," but it's not going to happen.

0:27:240:27:26

No, I know it's not. Cos if you and I...

0:27:260:27:28

If I give you a number it'll be ex-directory.

0:27:280:27:30

If you and I went into the Cathedral Quarter,

0:27:300:27:32

it'd be nothing but rows and rows.

0:27:320:27:33

I'd be standing beside you, I would happen to glance over

0:27:330:27:36

and there's another woman standing there

0:27:360:27:38

and I'll be saying to myself, "Jesus, look at her."

0:27:380:27:41

You would be raging. Do you ever stop?

0:27:410:27:43

You would be raging, honestly.

0:27:430:27:45

DOG BARKS

0:27:450:27:46

We hear you, so we do. We hear you.

0:27:460:27:50

PRODUCER: What about Norman from Bangor?

0:27:500:27:53

Oh, no, no! I'll get angry at him but I still laugh.

0:27:530:27:57

But Norman, no, I think Norman is a bit extreme, so he is.

0:27:570:28:01

MUSIC: Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin

0:28:010:28:03

# Don't worry, be happy now... #

0:28:030:28:05

HE HUMS ALONG

0:28:050:28:09

# Don't worry

0:28:090:28:10

# Be happy

0:28:120:28:13

# Don't worry, be happy... #

0:28:150:28:17

Brilliant.

0:28:170:28:19

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