02/09/2011 The One Show

Welcome to The One Show for their haul hour. Tonight, we are working

with children and animals. There goes the first rule of telly. The

first ever One Show dog show. We have the wackiest tale. That is the

dogs, but who are the kids? Only the funniest kids on telly. Ramona

Her hello. Nice to have you here. Thanks for coming on. You are so

famous, you three. It is not a question, just a statement. Lots of

kids going back to school. Any of you been back? Today was my first

day. How was it? I guess it was a bit tiring. We had random tests.

And got all of our books. What was the test? To put you into your

learning groups. How did you do? think I've failed. Tyger, why are

you laughing? It is a big, new school for him, he must have been

nervous. Are you looking forward to going back to school, Ramona?

because... My friend before the holidays, a while before, left to

go somewhere, and she has been away for six weeks. More than that.

have missed her? Yes. That's nice, you will see them soon. Are you the

most famous kid at your own school? Yeah. How does that go down? If I

went around saying that, I would probably get beaten up. We know

that, but who is the most famous apart from you? Previously, Jeremy

Vine and Tim Vine. That's enough. Thanks very much. Earlier this week,

Dom took us on a trip to the stunning island of Fetlar in the

Shetlands. It is a gorgeous, tranquil place whose 70 inhabitants

enjoy peace and quiet. They did until movie stardom came calling,

when they went audition crazy. This is what happened.

Having recently visited Fetlar for the first time and got to know some

of its inhabitants, among them Bob the postman and young advocate for

the island, Rachel box or, I discovered a beautiful but remote

place, still in desperate need to promote itself. And now, a British

movie with a �5 million budget is being filmed right here on Fetlar.

That could be its chance to put itself on the map. The film,

Between Weathers, is a drama about remote island life and the

producers are holding auditions for the movie, attracting folk from

Fetlar and across the Shetlands. What is the significance of this

film? The story was ready to go, I didn't have a location. I was

sitting at Heathrow, waiting to get a plane to Aberdeen, I looked up

and Shetland was on. It looked fantastic. I thought immediately,

this is where the movie has to be said. What sort of people are you

looking for? You have heard the people speak, they have a certain

look about them, a song to their voice. I wanted to capture all of

that. Having the right voice isn't all it is about. I wanted to see

how people were getting along with learning their lines. You look just

the same. That's you. No, it is still you.

With nerves on the knife-edge, it was time to impress the judges. On

the panel, the head of casting, the Next. I saw the video blog. Why did

you do it, it is not how it is. enjoyed that. You confused me when

I was standing here. Next. This one will close when I leave. Fantastic.

It wasn't long before a few familiar Fetlar faces had to face

the panel as well. You have gone greyer, it suits you. You look just

the same. Well done. I have had my life put on hold for the past 10

years. If that makes me sound a bit bitter, I am sorry. Oh! I'm not

going to argue with you! Hello. survived. I wasn't quite as nervous

as I thought I might be. Do you think you got it? No. Don't say

that! Be optimistic. Yes, for sure! Would I get the part or not is

irrelevant. This film will be good for the island. It was fun, or

taking part. It is the love for the island that has also prompted local

businessman George to invest in the film. You will get your money back

if it is successful but you're not getting a profit, are you? It is a

social investment and we want to make sure that anything that comes

out of the movie goes back to the people on the island. It is to make

sure we look after communities like this, because if we don't, they

will die off and the islands will empty. Back inside, the auditions

were hotting up, with one special role being fought over by man's

best friend. Who is auditioning here? Both of us. What special

skills that has he got? He eats. All dogs eat. He eats a lot.

panel had already spotted who is top dog around here. You have got

the part. Now get out before you mess him -- mess up my cross.

dog can get a part, why not me? it you come. I think they have

given you do wrong outfit. Take it in your own time. The lure of money,

ambition, and success has slowly drained the life blood of this

island, Fetlar. I would say with the arrival of your good people,

that blood will once again course through the veins of Fetlar. That

was terrific. I would be needing to use this, then, will I? The

experience of coming to Fetlar is one I shall always remember. I have

learned to experience -- appreciate the tranquillity of the lifestyle

here, and this city boy may well be coming back soon.

It is so beautiful. Would you go back? Yeah, tomorrow. It is

stunning. I would be cautious about the winter. That could be harsh.

But when I was there, lovely. Tuesday we spoke about the

population problem. Lots of people e-mailed him, asking how they could

move there. Are their properties, houses for sale, do they still need

people? In 2007, there were about 800 inquiries and the people said,

we didn't really have the infrastructure in place to handle

those inquiries. That has changed. A lot of things are changing. There

houses which have been empty for hundreds of years, they are being

encouraged by the owners to sell them on. They are putting in a new

harbour, so that fishing boats can more there. And the fact that

employment would start to increase as well. They are hoping to get

fibre-optic broadband. There are loads of things happening to make

it possible for people to move there. Fetlar have a website, we

will put that on our website. You can start making inquiries. Who got

through the auditions? Bob, the postman, has got through, and he is

playing the part of Bob the postman. It is not easy to play yourself.

was a natural. Rachel is going to play the part of the check-in girl

We saw you audition, what is the news? I only know a little bit of

the news. I have heard I have got a part. But... I haven't got a Scooby

Doo what that is yet. We have that information. You so impress the

director, not only do you have a part, but they have written a part

specifically for Dominic Littlewood. Really? You will be throughout the

whole film and you will play... A bus driver. Congratulations. I need

some tips, what would I need to play a bus driver? Get to know your

way around London. Actually, Fetlar. There are probably not that many

roads. There is not that many in anything. Don't give him a hard

time, you asked for his advice! presume you have a driving licence.

Could point. -- good pointer. Dom The show is back tonight, full of

family events where they embarrass their parents. Our next film is

about a devoted dad who was already he would embarrass his daughter.

Simon Boazman went to see how he hoped to get through one of the

It is every father's dream to see their daughter walk down the aisle.

My little girl is only 10 and I am already starting to think about her

big day. For most ads, the highlight is getting to sing their

daughters praises to all and sundry during the father of the bride

speech. But for one bad, it has become a very daunting prospect. 18

months ago, 53-year-old Mark Lawson was diagnosed with early onset

Parkinson's. In some patients, the disease can affect speech. It just

came on and it... It... This seemed to be like... It was... A... Little

bit. The more I tried to get... Get the words out, the harder it

actually became to say it, and the more stressed you get about not

being able to say it... The more difficult everything becomes.

used to go out quite a lot, with friends. Or of a sudden, he didn't

want to do anything, at all. Once a speech stammer started, he started

withdrawing in a crowd. He couldn't say things quick enough, or think

things quick enough. With his daughter's wedding fast approaching,

soon, all eyes will be on Mark, as he delivers the father of the

bride's speech. I am absolutely terrified of... Of embarrassing

myself... And... And embarrassing her as well. I have only got this

one opportunity to say... To say what I want to save. You don't get

any second chances. The worst scenario is totally drying up.

Not... Not... Not... Being able to get anything out. And I know them,

the more I am struggling, the more difficult it is going to be...

Probably break my heart and cry. This is lovely.

In an attempt to put his mind at ease, Mark has come for look around

the wedding venue. Hello. Is this where it is going to be? Now you

can see it, it is all becoming very real. Is this helping? It is, I can

visualise myself in the right position. Where I am visualising it,

I am in front of thousands of people. Determined not to let his

illness spoil his daughter's big day, Mark approached speech

therapist Mike Richards at Weston- super-Mare Hospital, to see if

anything could be done to help him. Over half of people with

Parkinson's disease will find they have speech problems. Some of those

people will find they have stammer like symptoms. Mike decided to try

altered or degree feedback technology. But it doesn't work on

anyone -- everyone. When we talk normally, we subconsciously listen

to what we are saying, so there is a feedback process. Altered

auditory the feedback changes that, by picking up the speech and

playing it in a different way. It is something that can be seen in

the film, the King's Speech, when the king is wearing headphones and

it disrupts his normal feedback process. The effect is to slightly

slow the speech down, giving the brain time to catch up, and

therefore reducing the stammer. While this old technique might be

fit for a king, it can also cost a king's ransom. The device

traditionally used for this kind of therapy is not widely available on

the NHS and can cost over �1,000, which is too much for Mark. But

modern technology might offer him a much more affordable alternative.

found there was a smart phone up that found it -- claimed it could

do the same job -- a smart phones app. It was less than �10. It

seemed too good to be true. This is it, the thing that has changed your

life. How does it work? It is an ordinary Bluetooth earpiece. When I

press this button, you will see an immediate change in how everything

happens. Tension is starting to build. The question that still

remains, is Mark's gadget going to save the day. There's only one way

I would like to welcome you to the wedding of Andrew and Melissa. This

is my little girl and she always will be. I love her dearly. Look

after her. Ladies and gentlemen, I would like you to stand and drink a

bumper toast. The actual wedding was on Sunday

and it was a private affair so we did not gatecrash it. Mark is here

tonight. How did it go? How was your speech? Everything went fine.

I was so confident the technology would work that I stood up to do

the speech without plugging it in. I welcomed the guests, apologised,

switched on the technology and carried on with the speech. And you

have it with you now. Yes. Is it helping you now? When I'm using it,

I do not have any problems. Thank you for being with us. A round of

applause for Mark. In the film we saw there, we saw a clip of the

King's Speech and you played Princess Margaret in that. Shall we

have a look? Actually, we are not having a look, we are just going to

talk about it. Well, can you still curtsey? Would you like to curtsy

for us? OK, shall I stand? Queen has seen this, apparently.

Look at that, brilliant. Oscar- winning! The Queen has seen the

film, likes it and things you were great. How does that make you feel?

Don't be shy. You are by royal appointment. That means she has

given you her seal of approval, like jam. It's true. It is strange.

I think it would be more strange for the girls -- for the girl that

actually plays her when she was little. That would be strange.

is going to play Stephen Fry? Who has played a young Stephen Fry?

Tell us about that. #ColourCyan well, it was quite strange. Why are

you playing a young Stephen Fry? it was for a short series of films

called Little Crackers. #ColourYellow is it true that

Stephen Fry played your headmaster? Were you asking him for tips?

Star Trek -- star-struck. He was very friendly. He talked with my

dad, making him coffee every morning. For some strange reason!

In the end, he said I played him better than he ever would.

Typically Stephen. Both of you are in a documentary about sitcoms. And

did you say that My Family, your rival, is a bit predictable? Would

you like to expand on that? So I am macro I knew this would come back

to haunt me. -- I knew this would come back to haunt me.

surprised the audience in Outnumbered, so you keep them

compelled. Let's see a clip. Who'd you think once the vote by our

viewers for the best club from We are gathered in the bosom of

Jesus to say goodbye to this mouse, killed before its time. We have

given it cheese and bread for its journey to heaven, or at least if

it goes to hell it will have cheese on toast. Next, the Pope. Dust to

dust, for richer or for poorer, in sickness or in health. May the

Force be with you, because you are worth it. Amen. Ramona, you know

you make all mothers and fathers want to have more kids? That is

down to you. We will have more from our favourite kids as the show goes

on. Last week, I had a chat on my radio show to a lady who teaches

the old grooming. We thought, can we have a go? Seriously, how hard

can it be to make a dog look good? We went to see if we could cut it.

And blow-dry it. In the world of DOH beauty. We are going to learn

to groom some dogs and head towards a competition. We are going to

paint a pooch. I am not sure I like that phrase. Meet the clients. The

instructor, and the equipment. Enough larking around. Time to find

out what this is all about. going to get them in the bath and

wash them. The instructor took us through a crash course of how to

groom dogs the professional way, and it was harder than we imagined.

I am not sure about this. It is far too serious and responsible for two

stupid people. Soon it was time for us to get our hands dirty. Time to

wash you. There is only one shower. I am already winning. How is the

temperature? He is basically drowning him. You are so well

behaved. I am nearly done. I don't know if you have noticed, but I am

protecting his eyes, unlike Alex, who is leaving him to fend for

himself. Cheers for that! Well, not the best start, but let's get them

dry. He is not enjoying himself quite as much. Well, you have

finally palled, that is for sure. You are very good. My wife takes

one hour to dry her hair and now I understand why that is. Do not let

them feel your stress. I am stressed, I will be honest. Look at

you, with your drying machine. not get a machine to do it? We

thought we would chill-out. We are reading the magazine. Alex seems to

have forgotten where she is. It is a bit girly to have your nails done

like that. Would you like paint on your nails? Chris is finding that

it is not as easy as it looks. seems to be the only dog that comes

out looking worse than when he came in. Sorry. You have got the rosette.

Surprise, surprise, she has won it. Yes! Welcome to the first One Show

dog show. Of time for our first event, dogs who look like their

Nice graphics! Ramona and Daniel, you will be judging this round. Are

you ready? Let's meet the contestants. Lookalike number one,

Suckey with owner Dennis. A seven- year-old miniature dachshund, who

suffers from a short dog syndrome. Apparently he does not just look

like his owner, but he snores like him. Let's have a look at the owner

with his dog. Very good. Who is next? No. Two, Miss Totty and her

owner, Susanna. This lovely lady as a dark side. She steals the balls

in the park. That is the animal, not the owner. This is a two-year-

old Cocker spaniel and her favourite toy is a squeaky duck.

But how similar do they look? similar. Do you like the way that

Susanna has co-ordinated her outfit with the dog? Yes. No. 3, Monty

with owner roared. Monty is a five- year-old Labradoodle, and as he

sleeps upside down you will see him in an unusual pose. Like Miss Totty,

he steals balls, but how much does he look like his owner? They are

exactly the same! Here is the trophy for the lookalikes. U2, go

and award the trophy to the dog that looks most like its owner.

Very exciting. Who will they go for? It has got to be Monty. Thank

you. We look forward to round two. Here in the UK we have a long

tradition of making fantastically funny films. One studio celebrating

his 80th birthday made some of the greatest. Anita Rani is feeling the

love for Ealing. The movies made at Ealing Studios

in its heyday in the 1940s and 1950s have become a cherished part

of British film history. understand you have rooms to let.

It was back in 1931 that Associated talking pictures founded that

studio. Although they made war films, and even a horror movie, the

company and the studios became world famous for his certain brand

of classic comedy. -- a certain brand. Michael Bolton took over the

studios in 1938 under his leadership heralded the golden era

of the Ealing comedies. Passport to Pimlico, Whisky galore, Kind Hearts

and Coronets, the Lavender Hill Mob, the man in the white suit and the

Lady Killers. Mark, you are working on a season about the Ealing

comedies. What makes them so distinct? They have a sense of

their time. There is lightness of touch, a delicate wit and something

warm about them, as well as the darker strain that we love. And a

real reflection of post-war Britain. Passport to Pimlico is about an

escape from rationing, so the premise involves the rediscovery of

long-lost papers that proved that part of London actually belongs to

the Duke of Burgundy. You mean they are technically from Burgundy?

There is a sense in which some of them off the change but then they

welcome the status quo back. You see that when after the fantasy of

being outside of rationing, they are happy to become British again.

But some of them are really dark. Kind Hearts and Coronets is

fabulously dock. This is the story of the young man who feels he has

been cheated of his inheritance. He should have been the heir to the

money and he murders his way through the family, famously all of

them played by Alec Guinness. Alec Guinness is fabulous and a star of

Ealing, a comedy giant at that time. The Lady Killers is a similar sort

of film. We watch the villains murder each other as they are

attempting to bump off this sweet monster -- this sweet old mother.

And yet, strangely, we kind of want them to finish her off. I thought

you might like a cup of tea. you shouldn't! There seems to be a

trend of the little guy taking on the system. This was part of the

way that Britain saw itself, seeing off the mighty hunt. Ealing was

also a small studio battling bigger studios in Britain. You can see the

underdog on so many levels. might recognise these as the

entrance to the police training school in the Lavender Hill Mob,

but they really lead to the Gunnersbury Park Museum, round the

corner from the studios. The museum has a collection of memorabilia

from the studios. What is this model? There was a gentleman who

used to make models to go into the local shops to promote what ever

Ealing Studios film was going to be on at the local cinema. And the art

director actually gave him the original designs for Passport to

Pimlico and then he made this model. They constructed entire buildings.

Yes, and you can see at the back there is nothing there, just

framework. And it was the framework of collaboration, under the

leadership of the director, that gave the studios the identity.

critics said it was an exclusive school with me as the headmaster,

but at least we produced films with a definite style and with a sense

of national pride, and I don't think that is happening today.

even though Ealing studios are still open and working today, they

are simply studios for hire. It is the old comedies that gave a unique

insight into the British psyche that will remain forever in our

hearts. Most exhilarating! Gyles Brandreth, you could have

come from an Ealing comedy yourself. I feel I am still living in one. In

my other life I am Terry-Thomas. I live in a world peopled by Alec

Guinness, Margaret Rutherford. Is there a greater happiness? I think

not. You are the king of the archives but you are about to be

beaten. I am also about to be hooked to my TV. I am going to

start watching BBC Two from Monday night for the next four weeks at

6:30pm because they have something called reel to reel. Essentially

what is happening is that they have dug into the British Film Institute

archives and other archives and have come up with documentary

features from 1900 up to 1970, E Johns before your grandparents were

born. These films have been re- edited and they found people who

were in the original documentaries and confronted them with their past.

They found this Ministry of Technology Cinema, centred around

the country and show people what they were light years ago. A great

idea. For example, they have gone back to 1977, the Queen's silver

jubilee. The year I was born! you get a Jubilee Cup, because if

you were born on the day of the Coronation you got one. My daughter

got one. It is not about your daughter and it is not about you,

it is about the Queen. And also about a special beauty queen. Let

me take you back to 1977 and It was a big thing. You feel like a

film star. You're never going to be a film star, but that is how I felt.

I can laugh, because I am embarrassed about what I look like.

Thank you to whoever took that footage. I have something to show

my four girls, and that is special. What a lovely film. It is called

the real history of Britain, -- it is called the Reel History of

Britain. It warns people up for our programme. This girl was a princess

then, she is a queen now. Across 34 years, please welcome, Nicola

Grossman! That can't have been you 34 years ago, it is impossible,

You were the Ramona of your day. How did you feel watching that film

34 years on? It is amazing, it was really emotional. I had never seen

it. I remember it vividly, but when BBC rang me up and told me what

they were doing, it was amazing, to think I was going to be seeing

something that happened so long ago. When I saw it, it just takes you

back. It was an amazing thing to have happened. You had duties, you

open a park bench. I did, I kicked off a football match in high heels

as well. And we had a float and a fade, and the vicar, and the whole

of the village was left. It was great, it was fabulous. It is great

to see it will now. This show is going to be a massive hit. It is

very touching, real stories going back to the First World War. Bury a

lovely. Let's celebrate another unsung hero. There are loads of hit

songs with memorable solos and often that people would play them

don't get any credit whatsoever. It is our job to put them right and we

have met everyone from the Mull of Kintyre piper to the She's Leaving

Home Harper's. Tonight, the harmonica hero who helped Karma

Chameleon conquer the charts -- harpist.

Once upon a time this Mississippi steamer played an important part in

pop history. It is 1983 and Culture Club are at number one again with

the incredibly catchy calmer chameleon.

# Karma Chameleon. # You come and go. What makes Karma

Chameleon stick in your brain? That harmonica. It wasn't Boy George

playing it on the recording, or any other member of the ban. It was

session musician died Llandough. I am glad to say that 28 years on,

the Southern belle is still doing a roaring trade, ferrying tourists up

and down the Thames, and Judd is It was 1983, the height of the New

Romantics, were you a new romantic? It is quite bizarre. I was an

executive at CBS Records, when the record was done. I had been a

session musician before the record company job. Steve Levine who was

producing culture club's album, he called me out of the blue, asking

me to create a line because there was a big hole at the beginning of

the track. It was trying to create something odd but something that

made a statement. This is the harm on a car used on the record. I just

need to worship. I will give you an example. -- the harmonica used on

It is your harmonica that makes it sound so sudden. -- Southern. What

was the recording session like? was quite an uneventful think what

I would take my lunch time out from the executive job to - down the

studio. I had an idea to create something as a power statement.

many takes did it take? Only a couple. With the harmonica that I

used, it is in E flat. I created a little country like with a loop on

It is that by brighter at the end Judge had hit the right note. His

distinctive sound lifted the track and made it instantly recognisable.

Karma Chameleon was the biggest hit of 1983, staying at number one for

six weeks. # I am a man without conviction.

Apart from George, you are the star of that song. I wasn't really the

start of the song, I was just a hired hand. How does it feel when

somebody else is miming to your parred? It annoys me, because I

know it is me who played the track. -- to your party. They invited me

to play at Wembley, and the guys were really nice. It was an

interlude of fun, and I went back to the real world. Did it make you

lots of money? A little. I got a fee. I think at the time it was

something like �70. Every time it gets played, I get a tiny bit. I

could have done with a little bit more. This song is still played so

much. In 2011, if it comes on the radio now, what are you thinking?

It is one of pride, satisfaction. I think, I created that, that is me.

And it is something for the kids so that when I am getting buried, as

the coffin goes along, you will # Is it loving in your eyes...

OK, time for our One Show dog show Three contenders. Which one has the

waggiest tail? Number one, please welcome Bubble. With her owner, and

Lottie. Bubble is a 2-year-old Dalmatian from Sheffield who was

born deaf. She even wax when she goes to see the vet, and she loves

What about wagger number two? is Max with Kevin. Max is a 4-year-

old Jack Russell. He wagged so much it shakes his whole backside. He

likes adventures like hiking in the Alps and has been caving with

Kevin's daughter. What about the last wagger? Please welcome Megan,

with owner, Chloe. Megan is a 14 months old Cocker spaniel from

Horsham, whose family has a history of over wagging. The big brother,

Henry, wax so much that he hit his tail against a door frame and had

to be hospitalised. Don't worry, he is better now. Brilliant. We need

three people to count the wax. He could we ask? What about the kids

You have one stock and one own age. We had a big meeting about this.

This is a wag... Sorry, you're absolutely right. 30 seconds on the

clock, start wagging. Looking good with the old dhow nation. Megan was

good in rehearsal -- the old 10 seconds left. Max looks tired.

These stocks have been wagging all Megan, come forward. How many did

What do you think, Tyger? I counted 84. Are you sure? Daniel, how many

did you count? I counted about the same as Tyger, about 84.

weren't even concentrating! There seems to be something wrong. It is

a draw. It is declared a draw because none of us really know what

we are doing, but we are having It is the final round soon. Dogs

that are one of a kind. The stars of Outnumbered are here, because a

brand new series starts later at 9pm on BBC One. Here is a sneak

peek. It is always going up or down. We should go back to the old days

where we used livestock for money. What happens when you would like to

buy a chicken? You buy a chicken with chickens for but how much is a

chicken worth in chickens? How do you get change from a chicken?

-- eggs. You improvise, there are writers but you are allowed to

improvise. Was that line about the change from the chicken improvised

or written? I can't remember, I presume that would have been

improvised because that was an improvised section. The thing is

loosely scripted. When it is scripted, we can edit it with our

own words. There are actual sections, discussions and arguments,

where it is all improvised. It is labelled improvised on the script.

Do the writers get jealous that you are funnier than they are? I think

they pass it off as their own staff! You are going into the 4th

series tonight. The characters have changed, because you started when

you were six, and you are now... 10? Yes. What it is like when

you're looking back? Is it a bit embarrassing? I think it doesn't

really seem like me, it seems like it is hard to believe I was only

five because I look at people I know who are five, and I would have

been just starting school. It seems weird. Who is the funniest out of

you three? Not me. I do stupid In different ways. Tonight is about

death, gay Uncle Bob dies. He died a while ago. Your dad has got to do

the eulogy. Why do you want to go to the funeral? I don't know, Ben

doesn't have strong feelings about it. In Ben, he wants to see a dead

body burnt. Ramona, you want to go and you were a pretty dress and

caused controversy? Yes, my mum tells me it is a celebration, so I

were some fancy dress and she is a bit stuck. You say, why do I have

to wear black? I think it is brilliant. Are you hungry? Sort of.

Just say yes. Yes. We are going to meet Jay Rayner. Tonight I am

looking for absolutely culinary perfection. Crispy, greasy, smoky

or streaky, what makes the greatest My name is Jay and I am addicted to

pork. There is no savoury dish that cannot be improved by the addition

of a bitter of pig. No wonder our favourite comfort food is the bacon

sandwich. There is many a lapsed vegetarian who will admit that

nothing lures them from the straight and narrow like the

savoury smell of bacon. But for a devoted connoisseur like me, it

cannot be any old bacon. It has to be just right. So what makes the

perfect bacon butty? Good ingredients are a must. For

centuries, British households made their own bacon, curing a

slaughtered animal with salt and if they wanted it smoked they would

hang it in the chimney. It is more high-tech now, but that is still

the method they use at this award- winning butcher's near Taunton.

Back bacon comes from the line. Streaky bacon comes from the belly

pork, the underside. How do we go from here to bacon? We take the

burn-out, and then we dry cure it. That basically means rubbing salt

into the flesh, leaving it for a period of time and then hanging it

to dry and putting it on the slicer, straight into the frying pan.

you think they can should have a lot of that? Without question. A

body like mine takes training. You need some fat. These pigs have a

layer of fat and that is where the flavour comes from. Tender pork,

tender bacon. You pick up cheap bacon and it says, with added water.

All that you are buying is expensive water and it releases

during cooking, which is why you get water in the griddle. Is there

ever a good reason for adding water to bacon? If you are an accountant.

We all have an idea of what makes the perfect sandwich. Marco Pierre

White thinks the best way to cook bacon is in the microwave. This is

a crime against bacon. Researchers at Leeds University were even paid

by a bacon manufacturer to come up with a formula for the perfect

bacon butty. It took account of all sorts of variables like bacon type,

cooking method and what source you use. Toppled the pile, back bacon,

not too fatty, crisply grilled at 240 degrees Celsius, between thick

slices of white bread. It does go on a bit. The texture and crunch

were just as important as taste and smell. Now, I might not be a boffin,

might not be good at maths, but I do know what I like. And so does

Steve Nieve, a former patrolman of the year. Before the possession, he

got to travel the country sampling bacon butties and declaring a

winner. His company no longer offers that perk, but the patrolman

still run on the bacon butty. What makes the perfect bacon sandwich?

Crispy bacon, no fat... Hang on, bacon with no fat! That is like the

Pope without praying, claiming you are a little bit pregnant. It is

not really bacon. I just prefer the taste. So it is about the crunch of

the bacon between the soft quilt of the bread. Definitely. Perhaps the

perfect bacon sandwich, like the Holy Grail, is always out of reach.

My perfect sandwich, toasted on one side, tomato ketchup, bacon well

done and a smear of butter. It may not be your perfect bacon sandwich,

but whatever it is, the bacon sandwich is still, for me, a

national treasure and one that I could not do without.

Who is not hungry after watching that? By the way, it should be the

law that all butchers should have to look like Malcolm. He is the

perfect butcher, isn't he? We do not even hire him. Usually we would

ask the first question but Daniel has a question for you? Why did you

make us eat those sandwiches? needed someone to try them and we

thought you would like it. Let's look at what happened. These are

your strange sandwiches, tested by the kids. First, Tracey Wright with

banana and flake on cheap white bread with margarine. What is not

to like. It is just Banana and bread. Next, salad cream and

beetroot with cold baked beans. They thought it was torture, and so

did I. Ramona did not even feel the need to try it. Finally, the triple

Decker with peanut butter and Banana and courage chicken. What is

wrong with you people? Daniel did nothing very much of it. So, that

went down well and came up again even quicker! Very brave. You are

very good to have tried them. This was the winner, the Banana and

flake. That sounds really nice. Was it nice? It was OK. The the Banana

was... You could not really taste the flake, it was just squishy

Banana. We have had lots of messages every week asking how big

are Jay's plums and will he ever bring them in. You could not resist.

I am just moving on. British plums are brilliant and we have loads of

them but British supermarkets are not stocking them. They are buying

them from abroad and doing enormous damage to our domestic plumbing

industry it. Go into the supermarket and demand British

plums. We have wonderful varieties. And we have a pudding here which is

quite nice. It is a clafoutis of plums, which is plums in a kind of

batter with a lot of sugar, to make up for feeding you beetroot

sandwiches. There is no cream. Revenge! Marks out of 10, Ramona?

Seven. The final round of the One Show dog show, unique dogs coming

up next. First, time for Detective Dan to dive deep into late history

mystery under the high seas. The Thames estuary, for 2000 years

one of the busiest shipping lanes in Britain. But beneath the waves,

sunk into the silt, a graveyard strewn with shipwrecks and the

bones of the men who sailed in them. In 1665, HMS London left her birth

here at Chatham dock and sailed down river. She was the flagship of

Charles the second's Navy, bristling with cannon, ready to

take on the Dutch. But just a few miles into the Thames estuary, an

explosion tore apart the whole. 300 of her crew sank with her beneath

the waves. The HMS London was prepared for war, her magazines

tough -- stuffed with tons of gunpowder. It must have been a

terrific blast. Little wonder there were so few survivors. News of the

explosion reached Samuel Pepys and he wrote in his diary that just the

stern section of the ship had stuck out of the water and 25 desperate

survivors had been clinging to it. Samuel Pepys makes clear that one

of those rescued was not a sailor. Regulations stated that only crew

members were allowed on Navy vessels, so who was the stowaway

and why were they there? Today, I am joining marine archaeologist

Graham Scott and his team. We are going to dive the wreck of the HMS

London in the hope that they may be able to help me solve the mystery.

The Thames estuary is an aggressive piece of water. Is this wreck under

threat? It is not a stable site, so we can expected to deteriorate,

which is why doing archaeology now is important. Checked and tested.

In a very tidal river estuary there are only certain times of day when

you can dive. There is a lot of wind coming in later. We are up

It is sobering to think that these murky waters are the resting-place

of over 300 souls. Unfortunately conditions today are too

challenging to be able to retrieve any artifacts from the site. That

is amazing. You can clearly make out the timbers of the 17th century

wreck, an incredible piece of iron work as well. But the visibility

was terrible. Graham has brought along one of the finds from last

year that will hopefully shed some light on this mysterious passenger.

What have you found? We found the structure of the ship itself, part

of the ship itself, and we are also finding lots of small artifacts

that tell us about life on board the ship and who was on board the

ship as well. Is that what I think it is? Yes. It is a skull. It is

the major part of a skull, the cranium. Is it possible to tell if

it is a man or a woman? No, the bones experts tell us that it is in

fact a woman. Women were not allowed aboard Royal Navy ships, so

what were these ladies doing on HMS London? David Davies and Richard

Endsor are experts in 17th century naval history. I was pretty

surprised to find women on board this 17th century ship. Is that a

shock to you? It seems surprising to people now, but it seems to have

been common in the 17th century navy. Women generally did go to the

sea at the start of the voyage for the first few nights. So the

sailors could say goodbye to their wives and girlfriends. That sounds

quite relaxed. Well, wives, girlfriends and perhaps other

female acquaintances. Yes, and in many respects the discipline of the

17th century navy was much more lenient than it became in later

years. You think of them, Richard, as preservers of manliness. The

guys would go out to sea and not see their wives and sweethearts

four months. You would not have found women on the pay books, you

would not have found their names, but they undoubtedly got on board

the ships under an assumed name, a man's name. How many there were, we

do not know. I hope the men did not get too distracted from their duty.

Slowly the Thames is starting to give up the secrets hidden for so

long on its river bed. The wreck of London, with the bones of the men

and the women who died on her is just one of the extraordinary tales

lying beneath its murky waters. What is going on with his hair? A

bit curly. It is what goes on with their hair. Time for the final

round of the One Show dog show and we are celebrating the dogs that

have something special about them, that probably never win anything at

a proper show, but the owners love them just the same. They are one of

a kind. We have three contestants. First up, Lola, who likes to fall

asleep in front of the BBC Ten O'Clock News. We are sure they will

be thrilled. Next, Alfie, with its owner, Sam. This is a two year olds

terrier who has long eyelashes and loves to dress up, especially as

Batman. Finally, Sidley with owner, Jenny. Sydney is a one-and-a-half

year-old Chinese crested dog who likes to have his tongue sticking

out for most of the day. That is generally it. There we go, the

tongue is officially out. Who is the one of a kind one showed will

win her 2011? Tyger, you are going to judge this. You have the trophy.

Sidley, with Jenny, I think. Thank you. Let's get all of them together.

We are going to sing We Are the World, in the style of dogs. That

is all for tonight. Thank you to Ramona, Daniel and Tyger.