02/11/2011 The One Show

Hello and welcome to the One Show with Matt Baker and Alex Jones.

Tonight's guest shot to fame when humiliated Mackenzie Crook in The

Office, went on to humiliate Mark - - George Michael and thought

nothing insulting half a Hollywood at the Golden Globes, but the

starts keep coming back for more. The you have any idea who the

leading lady is? In the Tim Burton film? Helena Bonham Carter? How did

you know? They stand in the dark. She thinks you're an idiot. Have I

done something to offend you? trashing me in front of 200 million

people at the Golden Globes? It's Have I done something to offend

you? Do you ever worry you are defending those people. No, because

I know that I am -- defending. It is guaranteed I will offend someone.

But because you are offended does not mean you are right. It goes to

show he was not offended. That is part of the reason I got him in it

because everyone was saying, Johnny Depp was so offended. No he wasn't!

I called him out and it was funny. I get this once a week. Someone

saying that I've offended someone else, usually. It is always someone

offended on somebody else's behalf. It is ridiculous. Of course he is

not offended. He is the richest and most handsome man in the world. Why

will he care about a little man from Reading and not liking of the

Tourist? We will talk more about the new show and the big stars any

later. The first, Simon Boazman is in a sleepy town in country -- in

Cumbria where the residents are waking up to take charge of their

Beautiful, rolling hills, cobbled streets, and you might think that

this place was a picturesque step back in time. But actually, it's at

the forefront of a brand new way of thinking. Co-operatives may be as

old as the hills that make this the highest market town in England, but

what is going on here is something the rest of the UK can learn from

because Alston more in Cumbria is somewhere that pulls together.

there on the left we have Alston home foods come up and on the right

-- writers abroad than transmitter. Batty's run by a local -- that is

run by local social area company. What makes this so special is that

there are 15 social enterprises for a relatively small population of

about 2,500 people. Social enterprises, defined as a non

profit businesses and services, owned and run by the local

community members provide 90 jobs here and have a combined annual

turnover of around �2.5 million. The Moody Baker is one of them. How

does it work on a daily basis? it is like having a boss with four

or five brains, or however many directors and employees you have,

because it is like we all have an equal say. Since the start of the

credit crunch in 2008, nationally, the co-operative sector has grown

by 25 %, massively outperforming the wider British economy. When

times are hard we do throttle back on the wages but only for the

directors. The workers will be paid in the usual manner. We do not work

for anyone, we work with each other to achieve an end. And it just

seems to work. Next stop, the Alston cottage hospital. It was

recently threatened with closure, but locals run a successful

campaign to keep it op -- Open. Eleanor is in the middle of a

consultation. It is my left hand. Her doctor is 25 miles away in

Penrith. So there is inflammation of the tendons. Though the initial

funding was provided by the Department of Health, this initial

of a video link was only made possible by the enterprise. We went

out and resourced the equipment and trained the staff and worked out

the different red tape, and sorted out all of those issues and got the

equipment in there, up and running and used. In the winter, Alston can

be completely cut off and getting patients to and from the nearest

hospital is difficult. But there are some more traditional solutions

to the problems caused by bad weather, like this home-made snow

plough. We get a lot of snow in the winter, and the last couple have

been serious. Saying you don't know what to do doesn't get the road

clear, does it? If you ring the county council and say your road is

blocked, they say we are very sorry, our priority roads are the main

roads and we are struggling to keep them open, which you can understand.

While it will run under contract from the local authority, the

snowplough belongs to Tony and his fellow villagers. We are on the end

of the line as far as most of the services concerned. You cannot rely

on the government to provide basic care for people and all this sort

of thing. It is just an extended family. But are these community-

based innovations born from necessity, as many have been,

really ones that could work elsewhere in the UK? Could you put

this model down in any town or city? Yes, one of the big things we

do is bring people into Alston, show them a different social

enterprises and say, this is how it works. We try to fire up their

imagination so they can go back and Aren't you going past Colston?

won my rickshaw, I am. If good luck with that. You will be all right.

It will be higher up. Thank you, Simon. Simon. Ricky, are you into

community spirit? Yes, as long as they leave me alone. They can't get

past the gates and the lasers and the dogs. I got shutters on the

windows. I often hide and pretend I am out if someone comes to the door.

But I say yes, get on with it. Brilliant. Good luck, everyone.

have an image of you in waders cleaning out the local pond. That

won't happen. I will do anything to do with nature. I do love stuff to

do with wildlife and nature. It's just talking to anyone else that I

don't like. I love animals, it's the people that annoy me. Earlier

on we saw a clip of Johnny Depp in your new series, Life's Too Short.

Tell us about it. It is a return to the fake documentary format like

The Office. I suppose The Office reflected those quaint documentary

soaps of the 1990s with normal people being famous. But modern

documentaries and reality shows are much more about the list

celebrities living there life like an open wound. It is more like that.

It is the fictional Warwick Davis, and it is a complete character,

nothing like the real Warwick Davis. He is a great actor, brilliant,

lovely, so rounded. I've never heard him complain. He is great. In

this, he is manipulative, with a chip on his shoulder. It is not

half an hour of gags about height, it is more that he has a small man

complex. So it is about him being angry with the world. He exploits

other dwarfs. He runs an agency and takes all the good acting jobs for

himself, but rents bows out as bowling balls and things. It is

about that, think -- really. have a moment from the first

episode when he comes to see you and Stephen Merchant, and it is

lovely. He has to charm a member of the public because he cannot reach

the intercom. I have never seen you, mate. What have you been in?

you seen Return Of the Jedi? Then he what? A Little Bear? Have you

seen Willow? Just press the button please. Look at that,, the legends,

Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant. All mates, always popping round for

a chat. You are always popping round. I thought we made the buzz

of higher. You made a passer-by do Some would see it as a bit UN PC,

especially the hilarious bit where he falls out of the car. How do you

keep it on the right side of this? People are already saying that and

they haven't seen it. They straightaway assume that it will be

offensive because there is a dwarf involved, but that is their problem

and prejudice. They assume it will be equal. Nothing could be further

them from the truth. I don't know, there is no harm coming from

discussing a taboo subject. That is why there is a problem, they are

tableaux. If you talk about stuff intelligently, the problem is, some

people confuse the target of a joke with the subject of a joke. You can

talk about anything, you can talk about race, disability, as long as

you know what you're doing with it. People will always be offended.

There is nothing you can do about it. On that point, you recently

offended quite a few people with disabilities. Recently? Always! I

offend somebody once a week. You have to just carry on with what

you're doing. I look at it in a Darwinian framework, you do what

you do and you survive or you don't. If you keep trying to please

everyone, you won't do anything. Nothing will be said. Some people

are offended by equality or abortion. No I am not, I'm offended

by those people, what are you going to do? The least Watchet, First!

And if you don't like it, don't watch it again. Don't write me a

letter, because no one's listening! You are not afraid of laughing at

yourself. But very often I am the butt of the joke. It is my

stupidity, getting stuff wrong. Curb Your Enthusiasm is a good

example of that. Of course. You only deal in excruciating social

faux pas, and that is what is funny, it is about middle-class angst. It

is about our fear. When Warwick talks to people, he knows they are

trying to avoid using the word little or Smalling conversation and

he finds it hilarious. He wants them to chill-out. It is all right.

Let's have a look at you inaction in that clip, this is you with

Larry David. Thank you so much for coming. Oh my God! I can't believe

it. It is signed. The funniest show in the history of television. I

love the show. I wouldn't call it the funniest show in the history of

television. This show was hilarious. Seinfeld, lovely show. The thank

you, that was good. I love broad comedy. I will let the laugh track

remind you when to laugh. We didn't do that. The it is a funny show,

but it is odd to show up with your own DVD. I have never body --

anybody showing up with something they were in, that is an odd thing.

Trying to turn the tables there. All of it ad-libbed. You just go

with it and you feel that a few times. Not only is he a bit of a

hero of mine, possibly the most important person working in comedy

today, but he ruins as many takes as I do. We were both laughing.

Honestly, it was great. One of the highlights of my career. Such a

pleasure. And when you go out for dinner with Larry David, it is like

a two hour episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. It is great. I cannot

get enough of him. Many people may not have heard of Slough until

Ricky put it on the map, but 60 years ago this week Berkshire and

it strikes when it became home to the very first zebra crossing.

what was life like before the nation's roads were transformed by

Alec of paint and some Belisha beacon? -- a lick of paint. John

Sargent went to find out. Let me introduce you to Mr A. He acts

normally, with a fried egg for breakfast, when it is opening time,

but when it comes to the everyday Hurt, Altman? Never mind. It would

be perfectly simple if it wasn't After the war, the number of cars

was on the rise. By 1951, there were 4 million on the road.

Pedestrian crossings and the Belisha beacon had been introduced,

but they weren't doing much to cut The fact is, we have 4,500 people

killed every year on the roads and at huge proportion of people just

simply trying to cross. The crossings available there were

studs and beacons and not the standardisation needed. Basically

drivers were not respecting them. They were not stopping and driving

through and pedestrians did not use Jim Callaghan took his campaign on

the road. This week we are having a pedestrian crossing. Why? An awful

lot of young people have grown up since we were using crossings

before the war. I think a lot of people have forgotten about them

since the war. The government's Road Research Laboratory had been

experimenting. They developed something Mr Callaghan nicknamed

the zebra. Tests confirmed it would make a real difference to motorists

and pedestrians and they chose slayer -- Slough high street for

the first permanent zebra crossing. Joan Jones remembers it well. This

was where the first the bridge crossing was. It was. It was the

main crossing to the main Post Office. This was the main road?

London to Bath Road. It was a busy road. Drivers were very much more

aware that it was a pedestrian crossing because of the black and

white stripes. He in October 1951, regulations came into force

requiring all and controlled pedestrian crossings to have zebra

markings. Soon casualties were down by 7%. Slough continued to pioneer

road safety with a big budget of �200,000. They experimented on road

designs and on ways to make people more safety conscious. It worked.

While national road for utilities continued to rise, in Slough they

fell. By 10%. What is really important about this road is it is

where my predecessors started experimenting with traffic lights.

You stick to the speed limit,... This became known as the Greenway.

What a safety campaign really need it was a personality. This looks

dangerous. Will they see that car? I think I had better have a word. I

was the Green Cross Code man for 14 years from 1976 to 1990. Road

accident figures were 40,000 a year when we started. When we finished

the campaign, they were down to 20,000 accident. A fantastic

campaign. If you had been looking and listening all the way across,

that wouldn't have happened. country's first ever zebra crossing

has long gone, but plenty of black and white stripes can still be seen

in Slough. We pour hot material and to this machine and that creates

the marking on the road. Your father started his business. He did,

60 years ago. He started his business, marking zebra crossings.

He did the first one in Slough. is happy 60th birthday to the first

zebra crossing in the country. John! Remember, stop, look, listen

John is in the studio. Wearyingly, zebra crossings could become

extinct. -- worrying me. mustn't worry too much. It is up to

reach local authority. They tend to go in the country areas, but in the

towns and cities, they will tend to stay. It all depends. Some people

find, when they are crossing them, they are not sure whether they

should be crossing. It can be tricky. That moment when you are

wondering... I have been worrying about this for quite a while. They

are going to still be around? of them will be around, but not so

much in the country. You must relax. I can carry on -- carry on worrying

about the panda! What is the future of valour crossings. The one in

Oxford Circus, they are terribly proud of, because it has a cross

and you don't cross just across, you go diagonally. That was brought

in two years ago and that is regarded as very successful. More

of those can be expected. You will bump into each other! You are

walking. In Japan they don't because they are really alike. We

just say get out the way! We are all extremely well behaved, you

haven't been out much. I don't go out. And agreed to listing. That is

the most famous zebra crossing in the world and that is in Abbey Road.

I hope you know where that is from. Indeed, and it has a webcam. You

can view it online. If you want to see people crossing the road.

you have no life! Well, earlier on... Up let's do that. I've got a

webcam. Save you time, have a look. They have a message for you, Ricky.

Big fans of your work. We love Thank you, brilliant. This year for

Children In Need, Matt will peddle a rickshaw from Edinburgh to London

in just eight days. I did have a little go myself just to see how

difficult it was and it is not as Just ruined the rickshaw. I feel

awful. Let's get out and move it. Great! Thank you. I was doing

training today in Richmond Park and the wheel was buckled, I had to

repair it. It I wasn't going to say anything, I didn't know they would

show that. How was training today in Richmond? Hills are not getting

any better. That woman is walking alongside me. That was to give me

some money. She caught up easily. You need all the help you can get,

it looks like you're on a pedalo. Eight days! Downhill is great for

top is this actually going out on television? Yes. Wow! All of this

effort will be nothing if people don't donate to Children In Need.

It will get even better in the second. We want you to do the

honours and let people know how they can donate. Pudsey has been

learning the David Brent dance from The Office. The sooner you give out

the details, the better. Has he still got a bad I? National Health

Service, get that sorted out. off and running. Read it, Ricky.

you want to donate, text there were If you can donate, please do. And

you, Ricky! There is a bloke in that there wanted to play Chekhov

at the National. Anyway, yes. sit down. Back to your old show.

Let's have a look at Liam Neeson popping in. I am here because I am

thinking of doing some comedy. a comedy movie? On stage, stand-up

comedy, live comedy. OK. Tring. are closed. Her a thing the shop

has to be opened for the sketch. -- I think. Tring. Yes? I'd like to

make a complaint. I bought some fruit yesterday and when I got home

some of it was rotten. That's not my fault. It's your shop and it was

sold on your premises. I wasn't here. Doesn't matter. I was at the

doctor's. That's really good. You Liam Neeson asking you for some

career advice. And he says the most horrendous things which you have to

cut out. Not a problem! I've been censored. We found some people in

the paper's today who we thought might need a bit of advice. Here we

go. First of all it has been a difficult few weeks for the Greek

prime minister. Greece might run out of money in two weeks' time.

The solution is? Up get a catalogue, h-t catalogue. Everything is 28

weeks at 38p. Get it from that. shop has apologised after

apparently refusing to sell a 92- year-old woman, Diane Taylor, a

bottle of whisky because she couldn't prove her age. That is

unbelievable! It is the law. No yd. What if it turns out she was just a

really stressed her nine-year-old? Quite right. No ID, no whisky.

Sir a Arthur Conan Doyle created Sherlock Holmes, he made him a

virtuoso on the violin. Following the recent anniversary of his birth,

we sent Anita Rani to his home town of Edinburgh to find out how his

favourite childhood garden has become a memorial to the great

The legend has it that whilst Arthur Conan Doyle Klein sycamore

trees here, the seeds were sown for arguably the world's greatest

fictional detective. What is the relevance of this garden in the

life of Arthur Conan Doyle? When he was about four, his family's life

had more or less disintegrated. This was where he played, a

sanctuary. He would have played with his elder sister and it would

have been the kind of place that would give rise to his own stories.

He had had plenty of stories from his parents. A few years later, now

a physician, he mixed his medical knowledge with his own instinct for

storytelling, creating Sherlock Holmes. This house is now home to a

school and when the 200 year-old Sycamore recently had been chopped

down due to disease, they ensured what was left behind was a fitting

memorial to the classic case of the Hound Of the Baskervilles. But the

school didn't stop there. They enlisted local master craftsman

Steve to brief be unique new life into the husk of the sick sycamore.

Violins? That's right. This is where I do my violin making.

did you get involved? They thought wouldn't it be great if we had a

violin made from the St? I thought it was fantastic. Is that the

actual tri? This is part of the tree. It is a piece of art on its

own. Goodwood. Was there to challenge? It certainly was. I had

been doing a lot of exercises and experiments with the method I used

for sheer luck. Is this the sort of violent Sherlock Holmes might play?

He played a Stradivarius. This violin is modelled on something

else. In the world you have two main makers and some makers go for

strut are various. The other one is quite masculine. It has been

Italian spirit that would have helped Sherlock Holmes solve his

But Steve didn't just stop there. He went on to create an entire

string quartet from the service -- very same sycamore and where better

to hear it played for the first time than in the Read Hall at

Edinburgh University? Quite rightly, the quartet are playing Mensa, one

of homes's favourites. -- Mendelssohn. The violin's role

plays a larger -- larger part in our possession but so it --

Sherlock Holmes. Why did he put a violin in the hands of Sherlock

Holmes? Fenham Brooke was a place of music. -- Edinburgh. In order to

keep Sherlock Holmes you run, he gets a violin. Music talks to us in

a language much more profound and saying much more serious and

beautiful things to ask than words can ever do. Conan Doyle, as a

great wordsmith, realised that. News it takes on that quality. --

Thank you. Ricky, you have some grand plans for Poppy Day. Yes, I

am doing a big charity concert for wounded soldiers with Bruce

Springsteen. Amazing. I did it last year, it is a cause close to my

heart. What a bonus, with Bruce. Her good luck. Thing gee macro for

coming in. Life's Too Short starts next Thursday at 9:30pm on BBC Two.