05/05/2016 The One Show

Welcome to The One Show with Alex Jones. And Matt Baker. We have been

playing minigolf out there all afternoon, which is the reason why

he is like this, because he got a hole in one. Of course he did! There

was a random hole, straight in the hole, but to be fair, here is Alex

on shot number 482. We will slow mow it, it does hit the hole. That is an

inn, it's a hole in one right there. Are you sure? Apparently the player

who gets a hole in one has to buy the round. Well done, Matt,

congratulations. It was minigolf, so I've got some many drinks. Very

cute, a bit tight of you! Cheers! LAUGHTER

Don't be shy. What the heck is in there? The golf course is a treat

for tonight was my guest, a golf loving comedian and panel show

writer and regular. She's a former lawyer, cat fanatic and is followed

around by an imaginary clap. Confused? We explain it. Let's

welcome to the show Susan Calman. Would you like a mini drink, Susan?

It's weird, I'm not sure what's in it. There we are!

LAUGHTER I was always told not to accept

drinks from strange men! Not quite the real thing. Carry on. We heard

you approach life like a lorry because as Matt said, you were a

lawyer for seven years so any caveats you'd like to put into The

One Show contracts? I'd like to have a go at the minigolf later on, so if

you can arrange for the sun to continue to shine because it feels

like I'm on my summer holidays, it's lovely and warm. As it was lovely

weather, that's why we set it up. Perfect. I golfed for 25 years. You

will beat the Baker then. Hole in one later. A beautiful part of the

world you are from, if you did take an afternoon drive up from Susan's

place from Glasgow, to Stirling, to Perth, on the A9, the A9, it's

beautiful, carry on and you might eventually decide to stop in

Aviemore and the Cairngorms with its beautiful rivers, gorgeous lochs,

snowcapped mountains, shall I go on? It sounds lovely but with all that

water everywhere, why are some disgruntled customers of Scottish

Water complaining that there's not a drop to drink?

Now there may be a platter of the bottled stuff out there, but most of

the water we drink stump -- still comes out of the tap, but how would

you feel if your supplier was switched and you found the taste of

your new water undrinkable? Well, some Scottish Highlanders say that's

precisely what's happened. So I've come to Kincraig to talk about tap

water with Laura Ross. What's it like when you take a drink from the

tap? I don't take a drink from the tap anymore. It doesn't taste right.

It almost has a texture to it. Does it smell? It's very chlorinated,

people say their house smells like a swimming pool when they run a shower

or bath. The problem dates back four years, when Scottish Water opened

their treatment works at Aviemore to cope with drop growing demand.

People whose waters obliges to come from the nearby loch were switched

to water from underground boreholes and while 98% of the 10,000

households affected seemed content with the change, the remaining 2%

over 200 of them, work was enough to complain to Scottish water -- Water.

What have Scottish Water said? It's safe, nothing about palatability,

but it is safe. Some claim to notice a chemical tanker once every three

years. Farmer John says it's not just people who can taste the

difference. The dogs, cats, the horse, the horse did not like the

water at all, it was the week before he would drink it the cows and the

sheep inside at lambing time, when they came in, they were not keen on

drinking the stuff. They are obviously smelling something in the

water that we can't. Have a drink now. OK. So are my taste buds as

discerning as a Highland Council? I can smell a slightly chlorine smell,

swimming baths. I mean, it's not terrible, it's not very nice, but

it's not terrible. It's probably better today. It feels like it's

leaving a film on your tongue. It's got a sort of roughness about it

somehow. So much for my taste buds. I reckon we need a few more human

guinea pigs. It's time for a One Show experiment, of a highly

unscientific kind. We've come 80 miles down the road to Perth, the

our taste test. We've got three different types of water, a is from

Aviemore, the is Greater Manchester tap water and the is bottled spring

water. That one doesn't taste the same. At that one is more metallic

than that one. Interesting. Surely water is just water? There's

something different about this one. This is the worst. I quite like that

one. Just different to two, I wouldn't say it's unpleasant. This

one is better. Siebe this is my favourite. Would you be having if it

came out of your tabs? No, definitely not. This tastes like

water. There all the same. Stale and musty. I don't like it. What's wrong

with it? Which is the one you like the least of those three? That one.

He doesn't like it. We got 24 taste testers to say which water they

liked least. While three couldn't tell them apart, in 11 chose

Aviemore, six Manchester, and four the bottled stuff, so it seems there

is something about the Aviemore water that's not to everyone's

taste. And Dr Frank Mair, lecturer in inorganic chemistry at Manchester

University, puts it down to the chlorine. The company supplying the

water has a duty of care to ensure it's safe to drink and the most

common way of doing this is the bubble chlorine through it. There

will be some people who are particularly sensitive to the

chlorine in the water and some people who are less though. Scottish

Water's just a service boss says they are taking customer complaint

seriously. The water we supply is safe, high-quality and 100%

compliant with strict drinking water quality standards. But we do

recognise there's a small proportion of the customers who don't

appreciate the taste of the water that we provide, so we are looking

to improve the processes we used to produce that water. They aim to

reduce chlorine levels by adding a dash of ammonia to the mix, a

process they say is widely practised throughout the UK. Let's hope this

time it's to everyone's taste, humans and animals.

We can only hope the taste of chlorine and ammonia is more to

their liking, Lucy joins us. Would you like a mini drink? Yes. We have

found out its nonalcoholic beer. Which would explain. On that theme

of ammonia in the water, what does it do, and what will it taste like?

Ammonia can counteract the taste of chlorine, but this is just a

proposal at the moment because it hasn't been signed off by public

health officials and they would introduce it in monitored doses and

it's worth pointing out that public water supply is more stringently

regulated than bottled water. It's very, very strict. It's true, isn't

it, that water does taste different in various parts of the UK. Yes, it

does. It's not just me. It's not just you, or my mum, who says that.

In the north it's mainly surface water so it's been filtered through

soil and trees and it gives it an earthy taste, and in the south it's

primarily from boreholes so there is a mineral taste to it. But it can

depend on lots of different things. If you are nearer the treatment

facility, then it will probably taste, it's more likely to taste

strongly of chlorine, and temperature can also affect our

perception. It's seasonal? Seasonal, when reserves are low in the summer

sometimes your water will be shipped in from another county and then we

really notice as consumers, but interestingly research shows we

prefer the taste of water that we grew up with so my family from the

North have never liked the water in the south, even though they've lived

there for ages, so it's about our perception really. Would you like to

know in the UK where has been adjudicated to have the best water?

This is a BBC study. Puke -- viewers are leaving -- Linighan for this

one. Country, the blend of vegetal and salty water was the best.

Vegetal. Glasgow... Yes. You did well, big bodied and smooth. That's

what I say every time I have a glass of water, I swirl it around and have

a sniff of the water in Glasgow is delicious actuary. Southwark, the

panel said it unremarkable, sorry, Southwark! We were talking earlier

about filters, I had one earlier but... It does make a difference, it

must do? It can help with that mineral taste if you are in a hard

water area and it can reduce chlorine taste as well. Some of that

may partly be because the water is left standing in the jug, so the

chlorine dissipates naturally. If you have a filter, make sure you

change it regularly. I look forward to filter changed a! It's a high

day! She's not kidding! Brilliant, thank you, Lucy. A change of career

can make a huge difference to someone's life, full season as we

said earlier, it was sobbing a career in law for a career in

comedy. The lady in the next film was all set to become a typist, when

a different door open for her and that door opened into a fabulous new

world. Filled with Lycra, high kicks and jazz. We still got it! I'm

Debbie Moore, founder and owner of one of the biggest and best-known

dance centres in the world, Pineapple Dance Studios here in the

heart of Covent Garden. I opened the business in 1979, when disco

Friedrich -- disco fever was at its height. I left grammar school in

Manchester at the age of 15, with no qualifications, and planned on being

a typist. But winning a modelling competition thankfully changed all

that. I moved to London, I modelled during the day, and I danced in the

Covent Garden dance Centre at night. # People keep on loving #.

And one day in 1978 summer I noticed they were closing, it was terrible.

I thought there's an opportunity, I found an old pineapple warehouse and

that's why it's called Pineapple and I just say thank god it wasn't a

banana warehouse! So I took a gamble, with a ?30,000 bank loan.

And a second mortgage on my house. It was a massive risk. My vision was

offering dance studio for all abilities, where people could walk

off the street and into a class without an appointment and nobody

else was doing this. # Play that funky music #.

We opened in June 1979, right from the beginning I knew that it was

going to be a great success. I was responding to a need and the dancers

flocked in. Not everyone welcomed the new disco kids on the block. The

Royal Ballet were just around the corner. But their dancers were only

allowed to train in their studios. One of their young stars, however,

persuaded them to change this. His name was Wayne Sleep, and he brought

the ballet world into my studios. There were all these ex-ballerina is

coming to teach what they knew out of years of the Royal Ballet and

being able to handle men knowledge, this was the only place they could

come in London. -- hand on their knowledge. And Wayne always helps

remind me of my priorities. You said, I'm so busy with paperwork,

all of a sudden you moved some papers away and took your track

pants off, down to your jockstrap and got onto the desk. And danced.

You all looked so depressed! It was memorable. My vision for the dance

studio have become a reality, but the modelling me wanted to add more

style and replace the sweaty old nylon with a new fabric, cotton

Lycra. But to expand, you need capital, so in 1982I floated the

company as a plc on the stock exchange. I was the first

businesswoman to do this. It took a model from Manchester with a dance

studio to be the first woman to go public. That was what was

astonishing. I didn't know I was making history. We were top of the

News and front page of all the newspapers, and so it was quite an

extraordinary day. Everything was changing. But -- footless tights had

become leggings and my dance fashion was on the high street. Celebrities

became regulars and Pineapple had become more than just a dance

studio. It was now a brand. One that's lasted to the present day.

# Because the players want to play, play, play #.

And now it's time to share my life lessons with the next generation. I

is to be going forward all the time, when I think my first famous person

ever that came here was Freddie Mercury, but now we have Justin

Bieber. There's been many times when things have gone really wrong. My

daughter, when she was ten, she had a spinal haemorrhage and they didn't

think she was going to survive, so I had a very good team of people who

could keep Pineapple going. But you've got to be able to know you've

got people that you have trained and built up that can carry on and make

it happen. We only get today once, and make the most of it.

APPLAUSE We're joined by some dancers from

pineapple Studios, not too far away. Thanks for popping in. We'll have a

boogie later. Susan, we know you from panel shows like have I got

News for use, and Radio Four, but your passport it's got that you are

a writer, which you are, and you've brought this book out, called Cheer

Up Love. The book conference depression head on. Yes, it does.

What was a process like of opening up and getting it down on paper? I

have depression and I see that in quite a normal fashion, and with the

book and writing, I have depression, it becomes a normal thing to see.

You don't need to sit everyone down and say I've got something to tell

you, I hurt my shoulder the other day, I can say that a lot of people

are so frightened of saying they have depression.

One of the things that has helped me is to admit it and talk about it and

what's surprising is when you say you have it the amount of people who

go, I've been depressed as well, I've just never told anyone about

it, so it's really part of the more we talk about it, the more we smile

about it, the better it's going to get.

They are. They are frightened. The tag line is Adventures In Depression

With The Crab Of Hate. Now, what are you talking about? Well, Winston

Churchill talked about his black dog that he had and that is a common

description of depression. Mine is the crab of hate. And what it is is,

you crawl is at my back and whispered -- he crawls up my back

and whispered into my ear. It is just easier to say to my wife, the

crab of Haiti's here. To say you are depressed is quite difficult. So I

am trying to personify it as an animal. -- the crab of hate is here.

It makes it easier to talk about it so it makes it easier for me to say,

I am down because the crab of hate is sitting on my back. And it is

always there but you can't see it but I know it is there, talking to

me all the time. So who do you hope read this book? It is -- is it those

feeling like you do or to help family members feeling the same way?

It is for those feeling depression but also those who live with us,

work with us, are with us. Because hopefully this will give an insight

into what it is like and some of the techniques I've developed with my

wife and my friends if I am depressed. Because I've embraced it.

It is a positive thing, this book. It is a positive thing about

depression because I am on top of it. And even that title, Cheer Up

Love, that is some advice as well, because you say, that is not the way

to deal with it. Yes. The worst thing in the world is somebody

saying, "Cheer up, love, it might never happen". And you are feeling

like, "It has". You can't just Cheer up. If you could none of us would be

depressed. And it is not about being nasty to anybody trying to help. It

is just to say here are some cool things. For example, saying, how can

I help? And open question can be a really positive thing to help people

out. It is that anybody. Young people, because I don't want to feel

anybody as lonely as I did when I was a teenager. So not just

oppressed people sitting in a corner of a book shop reading it on their

own. It is for everybody to read, to learn more about depression. Like

Susan said, a really important message but hell areas at the same

time. Cheer Up Love: Adventures In Depression With The Crab Of Hate by

Susan is out today. If I had ?1, if I gave you ?1, what would you spend

it on? I would go to a pounds shop and try to buy a ball gown. Cola

bottles. No, I've changed my mind. A tug boat from ace graveyard.

Amazing! I would do the same. -- a scrap yard. Watch this.

This is the Danny. A small but incredibly powerful tug boat. She

was part of a fleet that guided tour go along the Manchester Ship Canal

to the great seaport of Liverpool. -- guided pub boats. She was left to

rust into oblivion. But in 2004 the Danny was bought for just ?1. The

buyer was down, a modern day tug boat captain himself. -- was Daniel.

What on earth possessed you to purchase the Danny? Other than that

your name is the same! It certainly wasn't me being self-indulgent!

Somebody mentioned to me that the Danny was being scrapped. So I went

down on the Friday afternoon and they asked me how much money I had

so we agreed on ?1 to purchase it. It is at the top of the national

register for his ships. I thought she would be restored in about two

or three years. But it has taken him 12 years to get her shipshape for

her return to the water and he had to raise ?4 million to do it. The

painters and decorators are still on board and she is supposed to be

sailing for the first time in 30 years tonight! So, it is all hands

on deck. Have you got it? Yeah! It is quite warm down here. You have

got layers on! This restoration project wouldn't have been possible

without the volunteer workforce who have given 100,000 hours of their

time to see the Danny float again. Stuart is the volunteer operations

director. I arrived in 2009 after retiring from 40 odd years on the

river as a pilot. I was sloshing around, not knowing what to do. When

you get a result from volunteer efforts like this, it really is

quite startling. At 113 years old, the Danny has seen a fair bit of

history and had a few makeovers. After the First World War, can our

traffic declined as more freight was transported by road and train. --

Canal traffic. So Danny became a VIP passenger to boat, designed to be a

miniature version of an ocean liner. She even hosted royal visitors such

as Prince George of Denmark on his trip down the Manchester Ship Canal

in 1949. So, how do the volunteers feel about tonight's relaunch? Is

going to be a proud moment, it's going to be good. Miraculously, it's

all come right and here we are today, the old lady is in steam and

we are ready to go. We have a tight window to make our crossing from

here in Birkenhead to the dock in Liverpool. We need to set off at

about -- about 7:30pm tonight but when it comes to dealing with

100-year-old technology, nothing is simple. But with just hours to go,

there is a major setback. The steam powered steering has jammed. So

although we can take to the water, we cannot steer the Danny. Luckily,

another tug boat is on hand to give some gentle guidance and a bit of a

shock. And we are off. -- a bit of a push. How does it feel now we have

finally set off? A big relief. She is 99.5% complete. It was always

going to be tight. It is the best view in the world. It has been a

real honour to be here on the boat as the Danny sets sail after such a

long time. And as she comes into the Albert Dock in Liverpool for the

first time in over 30 years, a small crowd is waiting to greet her. And

we have arrived! HORN BLOWS.

She will soon be carrying passengers across the Mersey once again.

Do you know what? That is what the one show is all about. Passionate

people doing what they can for our heritage. -- The One Show. You may

remember Paul Mayhew Archer, the writer of The Vicar Of Dibley. He

recently shared his experience of living with Parkinson's and he was

keen to make another film for us. As he considers the prospect of

retirement, we have set him to work again. Yes. He is not the only one

with ideas of what to do when he says goodbye to the nine to five.

President Obama has also been giving this some thought.

He is about to go from Commander in Chief to couch commander! What am I

going to do in DC for two years? I can't go every day to London? Why

don't you volunteer to work for one of the teams around here? You love

sports. So, Barack Obama is thinking about

retirement and so am I, but what does retirement mean these days? Is

it joy and delight or years and years of loneliness and boredom?

Here is the beauty of the whole thing. You have all the time in the

world to figure this out. You can be used for a while. You can have a

beer at 11:30am! -- you can be you. I wake up in the morning and think,

what should I do today? So I started to cook and bake... We've done

Cambodia, Italy, Peru, Australia. You must surrender there are only

9000 people playing the game and are used to be in the top thousand! In

the world! -- you must we member. You must do more! More, more, more!

I ended up doing things I was never expecting to do. Grandchildren. I'm

one of the parents who has looked after them since they were babies so

my daughter could go back to work. No? Honey, enough, enough! Why don't

you talk to somebody? I've got to go. And with more time together,

will love blossom once again? I threatened to give up golf at one

stage. Carol said, you will get out of the house and I don't want you

under my feet again! Quite enjoy being together. We've only been

married for seven years so we are in the honeymoon period. Would you

recommend I should retire? I wouldn't hesitate! Really?! You will

be able to walk out of the office. I mean, zip the dude.

Now, the son has been out all day, which means a large -- the sun has

been out all day, which means a large glass of wine and minigolf!

We are going to see how many of these balls you can get in the hole

in 60 seconds. But to make it more difficult, because you are a pro, we

are going to ask you questions on the way round. What is your best

one-liner? I don't have one! You are a regular on Radio 4 The News Quiz.

It is presented by Miles Jupp. Who is your favourite, Miles Jupp all

your friends Sandi Toksvig? I love them both equally! I cannot choose!

How do you prepare for a stand-up gig? By being a superhero! When was

the last time you just up your cuts? A nice tidy. Your most embarrassing

moment? I burst into the train toilet when somebody was in there!

They hadn't locked the door! The most unexpected thing we could find

in your home. A custom-made tiger suit! Time up!

CHEERING High-5! You got four. Very good. We

have a trophy that you can have because we know you are going back

on the sleeper train. Anyway, that is all we have time for tonight. A

big thank you to Susan for joining us. And her book Cheer Up Love is

out now. Will be joined by top acting talent Lily James Richard

Madden and Rick Astley will be playing us out. Good night.