05/12/2016 The One Show


05/12/2016

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Hello and welcome to The One Show with Matt Baker.

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Tonight we get a glimpse inside a building that's home

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to some of Britain's best brains -

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the top-secret surveillance centre GCHQ.

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The Government Communications Headquarters.

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With us in the studio are two men who are no slouches

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in the IQ department either, as they claim to be able to condense

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the entire universe into a single hour of television

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and make it funny, as well.

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Professor Brian Cox and comedian Noel Fielding.

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We have a scientist, Professor, and a comedian. You must have rubbed off

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a little working together on that project. There was a lot of robbing.

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-- rubbing I always wanted a space 1999 outfit. I had one made. That is

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the commander, space 1999 and those boots I managed to recycle. The

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irony is I am wearing those boots in real life. They are very nice.

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Silver boots. Material and jokes, has the comedy rubbed off? I have a

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geeky joke. Eisenberg driving along the motorway, policeman pulls over

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and says, do you know how fast you were going? He said no, but I know

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exactly where I am. That was the punch line. You did not know it had

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finished. It is true you need a degree in physics to get the joke!

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It was the cheeky wink at the end. The purpose was to educate the

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nation in an entertaining way. Noel, do you remember the show? The

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science stuff I was vague on. Often you try to explain things to us and

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that thing when you are at school, and use own out. You can hear your

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own internal monologue. Between takes it was E equals MC squared. I

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played Einstein. We have seen the clips. I had to write about on a

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bike. It goes faster than the speed of light! That was my catchphrase.

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The Government Communications Headquarters wants recruits with

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maths, languages and problem-solving skills.

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GCHQ is controversial as nobody really knows the extent

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of its ability to monitor phone and internet communications.

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But a law to regulate its activities is about to come in,

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so it's a good time for Nick Wallis to hand in his phone and go inside.

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GCHQ, the Government Communications Headquarters nestled in the sleepy

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market town of Cheltenham. Nicknamed the doughnut, the building houses

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the UK spy agency dedicated to keeping us safe through intelligence

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and information gathering. But it has been accused of illegal hacking

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and harnessing of data from our phones, e-mails, texts and social

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media accounts. What goes on in here? One of the most secret

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buildings in the world. Let's go in and look around. It is 7:30am, and

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agents will soon start to arrive for duty. They split across three

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blocks, connected by what is known as the street. It is here I will

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meet former analyst Tony. What was it like to be a spy? We never

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describe ourselves as spies. We work in intelligence and our job is to

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produce information about the intentions of hostile countries or

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terrorists. That means electronic surveillance. Last year in the wake

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of the Paris attacks and independent terror review found GCHQ's digital

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eavesdropping had foiled a terrorist plot in the final hours before a

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planned attack. The review of surveillance powers found GCHQ spied

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on around 1600 people'se-mails and internet used to identify

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extremists. What sort of people work at GCHQ? Famously we employ

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mathematicians and also linguists, people with an analytical frame of

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mind. And I guess and ability to keep secrets? It is an essential

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part of working here, yes. Tony's has analysed top-secret information

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for over 30 years. How has the business change? In some ways it has

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changed beyond recognition, but the fundamentals of what we do are the

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same as 100 years ago. Which is what? Looking at Communications of

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people who would do harm to the UK. Even though we have this unique

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access, we cannot show anyone's face and filming is tricky. Any computer

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screen could contain top-secret data. One of the analyst managers

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has agreed to speak to me, but only if we protect her identity. For the

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sake of this film we will call her Beth. What you do? We take technical

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data and turn it into something that can be used to arrest a suspect. The

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attack. If I knew what he knew, would I be more or less worried

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about the world than I am? A bit of both. More worried because you would

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know more about the threat and the things we face as a nation, and feel

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a bit safer because you know the tremendous people we have got inside

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this building trying to keep us safe from those threats. It probably

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evens out. I am not sure whether that is a relief! Even though they

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have sophisticated technology, there is one thing workers cannot use,

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personal mobile phones. They are banned from the building. That is

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something my friend struggled to get their heads around, there will be a

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block of eight, nine hours when I am not available. Do your friends call

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you a spook? LAUGHTER. Not consistently. GCHQ are looking

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to recruit the next generation of analysts and to attract a broader

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cross-section, six weeks ago they published a book of puzzles. Have I

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got what it takes to work here? Let's try this one. What follows the

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NI, Brussels, Prague, Copenhagen, Tallinn, Helsinki, Athens? Tony has

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to give me hints before I realise they are capital cities of Europe,

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they are countries listed in alphabetical order. Why can I not

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find a country beginning with H? Hungry. Budapest. It is a serious

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and controversial business and a new government act will give GCHQ

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ability to browse our internet records going back 12 months. Edward

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Snowden claims GCHQ has been harvesting this material illegally

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for years. Is that true? Tomorrow I will speak with one of the big

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bosses here to find out. In part two of Nick's report

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tomorrow, he challenges its deputy Now then, The Entire Universe, it is

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on on Boxing Day, on BBC Two. Apparently an idea dreamt up by you

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Brian and Eric idle, over a kite, always the best way. What does Eric

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Idle know about science? He has always been a fan. Remember the

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Galaxy songs. He said he gets so much internet and e-mails about the

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Galaxy Song because people say it is wrong. He said, you scientists is

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always change your mind as soon as you get new data. It grew from

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there. I said to him drunkenly something like, my whole career has

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been trying to explain science and being interrupted by TV people who

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use a stand on a mountain and point at the stars. The ultimate

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introduction would be a Broadway musical. Let's have a Broadway

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musical interruption while you try to talk about science. With that in

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mind, how would you describe this show? I think Brian is trying to put

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on a lecture and he does not know the musical is happening and dancers

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appear behind him. It is an insane show. A scientific Spamalot? It is a

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science musical. You just said to me in the break, you said, it is the

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weirdest thing I have seen! I have no idea what people will make of it.

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Coming from you, the weirdest thing you have ever seen! Let's challenge

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the audience right now with the weirdest thing you have ever seen.

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# Just remember that you are standing on a planet revolving at

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900 miles an hour. # That's orbiting so its reckons the

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sun is the source of all our power. # Bang bang bang went to the Big

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Bang. The Higgs Boson. That song, I wake

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up screaming in the middle of the night, it is going around, and when

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I am 100 I will be in a home, rocking backwards and forwards doing

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the Higgs Boson song. It is the story of the universe from slightly

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before the Big Bang until the present-day condensed into one hour

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interrupted by a West End musical with Noel as the Higgs Boson,

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Einstein and what else due play? An old lady at one point. I got to play

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a sort of Monty Python old lady which was amazing. Warwick is the

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Big Bang. He was amazing. The Bee Gees. We have three photographs and

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we would like you to tell us what is going on. This is Warwick as part of

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the Bee Gees line-up. Warwick was amazing to work with. He was so

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cool. That is Hannah, who opened Spamalot on Broadway and in the West

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End. An incredible voice. How do the Bee Gees fitting? They do a song

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about gravity. # Gravity! We had to do a song in

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very tight trousers but luckily we had amazing dancers. Arlene Phillips

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did the choreography. They are, now you mention it, incredibly tight,

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those trousers. It made it easier to sing. The next one, there you are as

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Einstein. I was quite into that costume. I think Warwick was playing

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Pluto. It is not a planet any more. It is very sad. He has been demoted.

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We could not understand this. The Royal family in an alternative

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universe? As fish. In this universe they are fish. What we do? I think I

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was a camel in a poncho. Why? You have to watch to find out. In an

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infinite universe with different possibilities, it illustrates every

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possibility could happen. There could be a universe with the Royal

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family as fish. People will watch this on Boxing Day and assume they

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have had too much sherry. You should have some sherry and get involved.

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How much of it is hard science fact and how much of it was you winding

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up Brian? You have a bit of a go, horoscopes, Scientology. I called

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you Spock. Eric said, I want you to basically, if you can, try to put

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Brian off the lecture. We will get everything he hates out. We will

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talk about Scientology. All of his bugbears. In the lecture, we do

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actually tell the story of the universe as we know it with all the

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factss. It is the story of the universe interrupted. You can see

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The Entire Universe on BBC Two on Boxing Day at 9:30pm. It is funny.

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Some weird goings-on have been spotted by BBC

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"Hair ice" sent in by Lisa from Nairn in Scotland.

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Highly unusual "fog dome" captured by Hannah in Wales.

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But there's one phenomenon so rare, you'll probably never

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That's as long as it doesn't escape Marty's lab.

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Tornadoes, their power, speed and force can cause destruction wherever

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they go. But there is a certain type of tornado that fascinates me the

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most. They are rare, but deadly. They are known as fire tornadoes.

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They're a dangerous combination of powerful winds and intense fire.

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With wind speeds reaching 200mph, they can sore as high -- soar as

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high as 400 feet and reach temperatures of 1,000 degrees. To

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understand how the fire tornado forms, I'm going to whip up my very

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own in a warehouse. First, I need to create a small forest fire in this

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dish. What's happening here is the fire is creating hot air and the hot

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air is rising up. As it rises up, it draws air in at the sides. If I use

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my smoke pen here, if I hold it down here, you can see the smoke is being

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drawn in and up really quickly. My little forest fire here isn't big

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enough to create a vortex of air, so I'm going to give it a helping hand

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using this metal gauze. And my old record turn table. When I turn it on

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the updraft of air is twisted as it goes in through the Metal gauze and

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you get the burning of a fire tornado. Look at that! The vast heat

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created by wildfires causes the air to rise extremely quickly. This

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updrafting air gets so strong, it can spoon tansly begin --

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spontaneously begin to rotate, creating a vortex of fire. I can

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make a small-scale one, but can I come close to producing the

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formidable power of a fire tornado? If I'm going to want to make a real

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flame tornado, I will need something more than just a small bowl of fire

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and a turn table. I'm going to need to scale things up a little bit. So

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I've got ten powerful fans and a drum of fuel. Max, do you want to

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light the fuel? I'm going to come over here. All I need to do is turn

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on the fans here. Here we go. It's looking good. Just a little

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tweak of the fans to adjust the wind direction and create that swirling

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effect. Look at that! It's really quite hypnotically

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beautiful. At the same time, it's terrifying, because you can feel the

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heat. It's a ten-foot tall pillar of flame. That's why I'm quite glad you

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don't see these very off the anyone nature. -- very often in nature.

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However tempting it feels do not try it at home. You're tempted. Don't

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try it. I know. We got talking there about tornadoes on Mars. Yeah, there

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are dust devils, rotating storms. It's a tenuous atmosphere. We've

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seen the sand being whipped up... Dust devils, you've made that up

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surely. No in the midwest they call them that. Do you talk about them in

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Professor Brian Cox live? That's a very smooth link! Isn't it, thanks.

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I've just finished this big tour. All across the country, talking

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really about cosmology. Arena, Noel. In May, Wembley. We finished

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Hammersmith Friday night. That's the place Bowie finished. You should

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have worn your outfit. I was thinking that, the Space 1999

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outfit. How theatrical is it and how much is it like one of your

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lectures? We have a huge screen. The thing about astronomy, we have

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spectacular images. They're the way we know these things. There are two

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trillion galaxies in the observable universe. How do we know? We say the

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universe is 13. 8 billion years old. How do we know? It's a big screen

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and a bit a lecture. It's the only gig you see where you actually take

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notes. People said, that it's great to see on Twitter coming out going,

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"I don't know what to think any more." We're infinitily tiny on this

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tiny but also incredibly valuable. That's what I try get across.

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There's no answer to that. How do you fit those two things? It's so

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tiny, a speck of dust, but incredibly valuable as civilisation.

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It's really popular, because you've actually broken a world record.

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Yeah. For the most tickets ever sold for a scientific event. There has

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only been one scientific event! There we go. I was presented from

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the Guinness Book of Records, a remarkable thing. 75,000 people came

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to the tour. Are you going to be in the Guinness Book of Records. For

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this Christmas, look. We've extended it into May for which tickets are

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still available - can I say that? Another record. I want to see it. I

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haven't seen it yet. He can spare one for you. You can answer all the

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questions about the Higgs Bosun. Now then, if you watched Planet Earth II

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last night, I'm sure you will see how they capture those incredible

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moments. Sir David Attenborough is with us on Friday, but Mike has met

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an avid twitcher with some clever tricks of his own

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It feels like a scene from the Great Escape. You wouldn't have thought

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the best place to see birds was through a tunnel. This is a bird

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encounter with a difference. All right, Robert. All right, Michael.

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The One Show has been to your house a number of times. I know the

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amazing lengths you go to film and photograph wildlife, but this takes

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the biscuit When there's good action out here, I had an idea and I crept

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from the house. Occasionally I was spotted by the birds out there. Then

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would have another long wait. When something really interesting is

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happening out there, I can come through the tunnel and photograph

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and film the wildlife undetected. The subterranean technique. The

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tunnel took a month and thousands of pounds to construct. Wildlife artist

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Robert Fuller comes up with many inventive way to get close to

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animals to inspire his art work. The tunnel isn't the only trick up his

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sleeve. He's built bird tables with a difference, as well as garden

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birds, he leaves food out for surprising visitors. We've got

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kestrels and owls that feed here. It's an interesting mix of animals.

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The kestrels and owls come onto the bird table? Yeah, they do, yeah.

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This is something I've never seen. As we watch the usual garden birds

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feeding, suddenly they all disappear. Something bigger arrives

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for lunch. That's lovely, look at that. That is a kes receipt sitting

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on a bird table. I never thought I'd say that. It's a bird that hovers on

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motorway verges, it doesn't come down and eat carrion. Well, it does

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at your house! They're clever little birds, taking the opportunity of

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getting the food. They will come down and take carrion. Is there a

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worry about supplementary feeding? You want the birds to be able to

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find their own foods naturally as well We're supplementing normal

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garden birds throughout the country, what's the difference? It's a bigger

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bird and it eats meat, there's no difference to me. There seems to be

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an uneasy alliance between the smaller and bigger birds. But the

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real argy-bargy is caused by two rival kestrel nests. They're almost

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like drawing pistols. They go in with their tallons. Oh, it's a

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kicking match. They're like teariers, straight into action. Two

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nests, one male, two females. Just added an extra element into the mix

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this year. The females have been fighting this summer. Now that

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female is fighting with the chicks that have fledgeled. That coat cell

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behaviour was -- kestrel behaviour was nonstop action. Now it's time

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for the night shift. Every evening, Robert puts more food out to attract

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a family of tawny owls to come to the table. The bird tables in front

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of us are illuminated because Robert has been slowly getting the owls

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acclimatised to feeding in the light. We can't have any lights

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inside the hide. If the birds see us, they won't come anywhere near.

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That's why we're filming in infrared and you're looking at us in black

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and white. After 20 minutes of quietly waiting, look who-who's come

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to dinner. The chicks are five metres away, in full light. How many

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youngsters have you got in the nest? Naturally they had three of their

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own chicks. We've surrogated four. To get the owls to this point, so

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close to the hide has taken real perseverance. I start feeding them

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down in the trees on a table, which is a mobile table. That table then

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moves up here, ten metres a day, until we have them a few metres

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outside the hide. We've now got six tawny owls in one shot. Quality and

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quantity. Giving Robert inspiration for his latest picture. Using a

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combination of patience, skill and field craft, Robert's turned his

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back garden into a restaurant for a whole variety of birds and with

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kestrels by day and tawny owls by night, this is a 24-hour diner.

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Well, special with the tawny owls. But the kestrels! Digging a tunnel

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was extreme, but worth it. Fantastic. You're very into art as

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well. We have a piece of work here. This is Bats in a Tree, yes? They're

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Bryan Ferry bats. How do you like interpreting wildlife. I had an

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exhibition at the Royal Albert Hall, the water colours. The I like

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animals. A lot of the comedy characters that me and Julian did

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were often half animal. Do you spend quite a bit of time painting? Yeah,

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it kind of relaxes me. Comedy is crazy and it's stressful. Painting

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is like meditation. You zone out for hours I know how you feel. I'm the

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same. You paint as well. Yeah, I do. We're dog a bit of comedy-ish now.

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Never Mind The Buzzcocks you were a team captain. This is the intro

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round. You sing the intro and the other person guesses the song. We're

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going to swap, because I won't put you through this. I'll do the intro.

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You help us team if we get stuck. These are our stars These songs are

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science related-ish. Are we ready for the first one? I

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can't remember the first one. Atmospheric. I'll provide the vibe.

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# Turn around... Yes! He's good. It was the movement that you were

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doing. Go on then. You start this.

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The third one. You turned it into George Formby. Cleaning windows.

:28:05.:28:31.

I've got it! It's the final... Count down! Yes. Pop trivia, my band

:28:32.:28:46.

supported Europe. We supported them for 58 shows in 1989. Oh, my

:28:47.:28:51.

goodness. We've got to go home now. That was quick. Tomorrow we have Ian

:28:52.:28:56.

Hislop here. See you later. Bye.

:28:57.:29:00.

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