12/04/2012 The One Show

Hello and welcome to The One Show wth Matt Baker and Alex Jones.

Tonight's guest is a comedian who's hilarious whether he's alone on

stage with a microphone, appearing on panel shows or starring in

sitcoms. Basically, he's cracked stand-up comedy, sit-down comedy,

and walking around comedy. It's Lee Mack!

APPLAUSE Goodness me, Lee! What an enthusiastic crew you have. It's

not like you tell them to do that. Since we saw you last, you've had a

little girl. I have, yes. Little Milly. I can just about remember

her name, never mind household she is. Five-and-a-half months. Milly

is a lovely name. It was Milly or Lily. We couldn't decide what to

call her. On the deadline we went with Milly and only after that we

realised, because we are not very bright, is that her middle name is

Savage, so she would have been called Lily scarfage. We went right

up to the deadline as well with our little boy. You've got three

children - two boys and Lily. Savage, Danny la review, and I'm

trying to think of another drag act. Your surname Mack runs in the

family. It is not my real name. Your great grandfather was Billie

Mack. And here is the next drag act. That is my great-granddad. Either

that or my great-grandmother was ugly! Have you done any dag, Lee?

I've not done that. There's still time. It doesn't really work with a

northern accent. I think he was quite obviously a man dressed as a

woman. You have to be able to do that. I haven't got the man boobs.

We'll find out why he is taking over Friday night telly. And

Christine Walkden will be admiring the beautiful blossom and looking

at the amazing displace of magnolia. We want tow join in. If you have a

fabulous example of blossom, send a photo of you in your garden and

we'll show them later. To the great relief of her family,

Judith Tebbutt was released last month by Somali pirates after being

held for 192 days. In her case, a ransom was paid, but this has

opened up a debate about the rights and wrongs of paying up to secure a

release. It's a complex issue. 63% of people told a YouGov survey they

would pay a ransom for a loved one. But in the same survey, 51% said

paying ransoms to kidnappers was wrong. Here's Justin Rowlatt.

shots fired out and then I realised that this was serious, by which

time our attackers were upon us. It is hard to imagine an ordeal

more terrifying than being held to rans nom a foreign land by a

violent gang. They hand covered me behind my back, blindfolded me, put

a gun to my head, pulled a trigger. There was a bang. I was thinking,

"I'm dead." The agony for friends and family watching the news and

fearing the worse It hadn't entered our heads we would be kidnapped and

held for a year and extortion was applied to our families. What would

you do? Your instinct would be to pay up. But is that the right thing

to do? If quid nappers are paid aren't -- kidnappers are paid,

aren't they more likely to do the same to somebody else. Paul and

Rachel Chandler were held for 258 days. At first the pirates were

holding out for millions of pounds. They said, "You big money, $4

million. British people big money, British Government pay big money no

problem." Whenever we said this is ridiculous, our family will never

raise that sort of money, they poo- pooed it. They were so confident.

How hard was it to persuade them that they were never going to get

that kind of money? For our family it was a matter of just refusing to

negotiate large sums, because they didn't have them to do so.

Eventually, they managed to negotiate �440 -- $440,000. Once

the ransom was paid it still took five months before they were

released. Peter Moore worked as an IT consultant in Iraqment until he

was kidnapped and held for two-and- a-half years. It was horrendous.

They would put me in a secret room with a bathroom. They would

handcuff me behind my back and blindfold me. They would sit with a

gun to my head. It was made clear if I spoke or they tried to rescue

me, they would kill me straight away. In Peter's case the militants

refused all offers of a ransom. Peter was eventually released in a

prisoner exchange, four of his captured colleagues had already

been killed. He believes paying up is still it's safest way of

securing a release. Hostage taking works. In my case it works. In the

case of Somalia you see it time and time again. They take hostages, a

ransom is paid and it works every time. I might not agree with it but

it's the payment of the ransom that gets them released. But most people

want professional help. This man has negotiated the release of a

number of hostages taken by Somali pirates. He understands better than

anyone what it takes to get people freed. We've agreed to keep his

identity hidden. In the majority of kidnappers are financially

motivated criminals. If they are professionals, then eventually we

can do a reasonable deal with them and it is run as a business. It is

much more dangerous when it is politically motivated kidnappers or

amateurs. How do you feel about giving ransoms to kidnappers? If

you pay a ransom, you are going to encourage the kidnappers to do it

again aren't you? To to suggest the payment of ransoms encourages host

Taj taking is missing the points. There is no alternative. If you

don't want to pay ransoms you have to tackle the problem at the core.

And stop the hostage taking in the first place. The Government advice

is don't pay ransoms because it encourages kidnappers. That has to

be right doesn't it? If my daughter or son was kidnapped I would pay a

ransom Jurisdiction where is the police are corrupt or non-existent

it is still the lowest-risk method of getting the safe return of the

hostage. Are you going to be the person who tells someone else they

can't pay a ransom to get their loved one back? I don't think you

are. That's a position nobody would like to find themselves in. Justin,

surely people whose relatives are being held at ransom will do

anything? That's what they do, do, but that's why the Government takes

a tough stand. Because people pay ransoms is why the pirates kidnap

in the first place. The Government say try not to do it, because it

will encourage people. It increases the problem.

Rachel Chandler says that to avoid ransoms you need to deal with

piracy at its source. How widespread is the problem? What is

being done to reduce it? There's a massive naval presence in the

Indian Ocean. What's extraordinary is that it is like a world

coalition getting together to try to tackle the problem of piercery.

You've got the Americans out there, European nations have ships out

there. India, Japan, China, Russia, all working together to try to

solve the problem of piracy. It is beginning to work. We've got a live

map here from the International Maritime Bureau. This shows just

from 2012, look at all those incidents. The yellow are attempted

and the red are successful. This is still a big international problem.

Looking just at the Indian Ocean, off the coast of East Africa, where

the Somali pirates operate. It's a vast area, the size of Western

Europe. The number of attacks has gone up slightly but the number of

successful attacks has gone down. From 48 in 2010 to 28 last year. It

does seem to be beginning to work. Starting to work. What about the

Chandlers? Surely they are not planning another sailing trip?

theth that's what I thought. I said, what next to you, I thought they

would say gardening. They say no, the Navy got the boat back. They

are fixing it up. Will it be ready in June and they are going to sail

in July to the Caribbean. They are saying it is a lot of our lives. We

love sailing and we are not going to let a bunch of Somali pirates

stop us. Safe styling the Chandlers. One of the most famous artworks in

the world is being displayed in the UK today before being auctioned

next month. Anita Rani has been to see why it strikes a chord with so

many people. And if you don't know which painting we mean, here's a

clue. It is powerful, disturbing and ubiquitous. You can see it

hanging on the walls of students and in art galleries around the

world. The Scream is waiting to be auctioned for an estimated �50

million. The Scream is in fact a series of paintings and a

lithograph by a nor weedge expressionist artist. He pruensed

them over a 13-year period. They show a distraught and terrified

figure set among a red sky. His inspiration: I was walking along a

path with two friends. The sun was setting. I paused, feeling exhasted.

I sensed an infinite scream passing through nature.

The Scheme has made its mark in pop culture. And notoriously two

versions were stolen ten years apart by audacious thieves. This

art historian explains the background to the Scream.

sister had been certified insane, put into the mad house. It was

close to the slaughterhouse and apparently the stkpreems the mad

people and from the animals were terrible to hear. Personal anguish

and torture and the anguish and torture of his generation were lost.

When we look at the Scream, what are we seeing? We are seeing a

desperate, sexless everyman screaming against a sky of blood.

Why did he produce four of them? said Cezanne painted lots of apples,

Monet water lilies, it can't be finished in one painting. The value

is clear. I don't think there's a single museum in the world that

wouldn't want to have this picture in this collection. Whether they

could afford it is another matter. Will it be a small number of

potential buyers. Will it be competed for with great passion,

I'm sure. Away from the auction houses, what do ordinary people

really think of it? What's that? I couldn't, could I? I can and I am!

Roll up, get your free ice cream. A famous painting, did you recognise

it? Yes. What does it say to new Somebody who is desperate. He is in

despair. This is the end. All I can do is scream and run. It is

dramatic. The colour. It expresses how you feel at times. Do you think

you could give me pain, despair and anguish?

Give mow your Scream. Brilliant. The things you will do

for an ice cream. He was the one who was most similar, that little

boy. It is not a great look is it? I wonder what you would look like

as the Scream. There we are. That is what you look like on a Saturday

morning. That's a nice look. I might take that with me. You can

have it. I don't really want it. I sieve what you've done and it is

lovely. Friday night is all about Lee Mack. Not Going Out at 8.30P

Not Going Out at 9.30pm, but you say you would look different.

the sitcom at half 8 I had to do a couple of naked scenes, I wrote it!

I had put on a bit of weight, so I lost about two stone in a few

months. How did you do that? I did a certain diet that I won't

recommend which involves lots of meat. Okay. I lost about two stone

and put it all back on straight away. When it is on tomorrow I will

be fat at half eight, half an hour off, it will look like during have

have I've gone out and eaten First of all, Would I Lie To You?

Is the game where celebrities play off the troops of their lives. In

this club, you claim that your ex- girlfriend's names to the name

Bermuda. Please give me the names, as quickly as possible.

Brenda... Brenda. Superb. Still as popular a name as ever. And helping

you, what is next? Is it Ethel? is not our fault. Have another

guest. Elizabeth? Don't do a a a me what it was because if I don't know,

it will show that I was telling a lie. But it could be a truth. It is

not like it is on tomorrow night. Let us Test you're lying skills.

Really quickly. Are you ready? Which team captain appeals more to

female the rich, you or David? Definitely me. People like David

Moore. I get a lot of women coming up to me and talking about David.

Does winning matter to you? Winning does not matter at all. I like this

game. Miranda Hart is -- used to be on your sitcom before going out.

Who is funnier, harass or yours? Without a shadow of the doubt, hers

is funnier than ours. There is Gardener's World, Come Dine With Me

and William Roache's Life Story on at the same time as Would I Lie To

You?, which should people watch? And glad we are against Peter --

Piers Morgan. Bake am, small organ. I love what is on the other side.

You get some exciting people. Ken Barlow's life story. Goal for

Gardener's World. There is one on BBC Two about building a chip shop

in a museum. It should be an interesting night. I would watch

the million -- million pounds drop. Arthur Smith is also best -- a bit

of a homebody. It is usually someone else's home he puts his

body in. One of the 20th century's greatest

British writers drowned herself in this reverse 71 years ago. On 20th

March 1941, Virginia Woolf placed a large heavy stone in the pocket of

her over- coat and walked into the water. She was 59. To find out more

about her life and death, I have come to stay at her country home

around the corner. Monk's House in East Sussex. When Virginia and her

husband bought it in 1919, she said this would be their house for ever

and ever. And for them, it was. She had been brought up in London in a

large wealthy family. Many of her novels centre on the banalities and

obsessions of the rich middle- classes and the role of women. She

was particularly close to her sister, Vanessa. She was an artist

who designed many of the furnishings in Monk's House. Life

here has record in minute detail. Virginia wrote hundreds of letters

and a diary. Leonard recorded more less everything, even noting every

single record that they played. -- more or less everything. Life here

was a familiar routine. Mornings were spent in the garden room,

writing or correcting work. Lunch at 1pm and tea at 4:00pm, the cream

of the day. Afternoons were for reading, writing letters, going for

a walk. She was a bit Walker. Her sister lived a few miles away

across the hill and she would record of a walkover and return

just to see her sister. For Jenny and her sister were founding

members of the Bloomsbury Group, and many would come here to visit.

E M Forster, TS Eliot, Maynard Keynes. Probably the earlier 20 --

earlier twentieth-century is greatest artistic and literary

minds talking about the great matches of the day. And many play

some balls before bedtime. -- maybe play. This was where Virginia Woolf

slept, although it is not the original bed. It feels almost

springy. She kept a pen and paper by the side of the bed in case she

was struck by inspiration during the night. I have no doubt I will

also be struck by inspiration so watch out for my long novel

published tomorrow lunchtime. "The fat moon was luscious with

promise as Arthur snored in the Sussex night.

" She was woken by the birds. "How they sang, attacking the dawn like

so many choirboys attacking an iced cake." Virginia Woolf's words, not

mine, but they describe perfectly my early morning wakening. Virginia

Woolf, how could she right such beautiful prose? Living in such an

exquisite place, beloved by friends and family, and yet she took her

own life that early String morning. -- spring morning. Many years after

her death, her has been talked about the depression she had had

about the depression she had had since childhood. She was very

excited, exhilarated. In a completely irrational way. Followed

by depression. Her sort of genius by depression. Her sort of genius

was connected with her sort of madness. The day she died, Virginia

left suicide notes for Leonard. Marie Bartholomew's father was the

gardener here. She remembers the day that bergenia died, vividly.

Suddenly the front door opened and Leonard rush in. It was quite

unusual for him. He was shouting, "Percy, come quickly!" Dads dropped

his knife and fork and grabbed his jacket, and rushed out afterwards.

It was only later that we found out that she had committed suicide.

Leonard lived at Monk's House for another 20 years after Virginia's

death and their ashes are scattered here where two elm trees once stood.

The on trees have gone but the spirit of Virginia Woolf's much-

loved home lives on. -- elm trees. You can visit Monk's House yourself.

It is a National Trust property opened on afternoons between

Wednesday and Friday. You write Not Going Out. Let's have

a look. # It has never yet prevented me... You think you can

win me over like a schoolgirl. Far too much for far too long...

Bathetic. # Wasn't it could? # Also did. # Wasn't it find?

# oh, so find it... Thanks for picking the clip that

was the most nerve-racking. I hate singing. Tim Vine can sing, and

that is the end of a week's work. You should have heard me on Monday.

It was a good song choice. The thing is, do you save all the funny

lines for yourself? I get help to with some of the episodes, I cannot

take the complete credit. I do not write lines for myself. I prefer

when other people say the lines because I can tell them how to say

it. It is hard to be a control freak about yourself. If you see

someone say the joke, you can tell them to say it in a different way.

Do it my way, or you're sacked. at the moment, Britain's streets

are carpeted with spring blossom. Before we see your photos,

Christine walked through the promenade of petals and pointed out

at her favourite front garden blooms.

Spring, it happens every year. But it never loses its order for me.

Suddenly, all of these plants, lying dormant for months, burst

forth and it transforms the place. Some trees and shrubs in spring are

so fantastic that they literally stop traffic. People travel miles

to see them. They are what I call front garden stars. I n in Bristol

and the suburbs are full of front garden stars. They are show-offs,

practically on every turn. Just look at this! The flowering

cherry, one of the absolute glories of spring. Voluptuous when it forms

this fantastic cloud of colour and then goes -- those pedals that --

those petals that dropped to the ground. Spectacular. Let's see if

the owner is at home. These are such beautiful trees. How old are

they? I moved in 12 years ago. They were babies. Do you look after

them? Not really, no. They just grow. What a lovely sight to wake

up to. It is wonderful. People command when they're walking past,

look at the trees. It is spectacular.

Hardly any of these lovely shrubs are native to Britain. We have

brought them back from the Far East and the Americas. It is

horticultural urban regeneration. This is one of my favourite

magnolias. You do not have to have them in your garden -- ain't your

back garden, this will do well in a front garden and it is spectacular

in a container. Let's get the inside story. I wanted one so much

because my neighbour had won and I had tried them in different parts

of the garden. This is the only one that survived. What do you enjoy

about it? It is not there for long but while it is there, it is

gorgeous. Did you have any secrets, with the 4th try? Blind luck!

big was it? It was that they. has grown quickly? For the first

year or two, not much, but then off it went. They take time to settle

but when they do, wow. With good weather in late March

being brilliant for flowering, I would love to see a full grown

Magnolia in all its glory. I have heard there is one around here, but

you have to be quick, because they do not flower for long.

That is a belter! Let's have a look. Andrew Morgan Lycia and has known

this Magnolia tree since he was a lad. -- lives here. I had been

looking down on it all my life. I remember it always been this size,

actually. It can't have been! think it was always a large tree.

Clearly it has grown a lot. Is it important to you? It is very

important, particularly as we now live on the first floor. It is like

having a beacon at this time of year. Suddenly, after the dark

months, you have this white light, and the street light reflected in

two you're house. It is an offer that -- it is an uplifting thing.

I've no a to go was probably planted when they built a house. I

think it is probably 1816 or 1880. What a lovely tree. What does that

say? This is from Kate. It is a handwriting, not my inability to

read! This is from Kate, of her beautiful daughter, Balsam with

their blossoming tree. I did a similar technique with naming our

son. I called them Stumpy. I'm wasting my time here! This is

Morley and Theodore and their blossom tree.

And this is Abigail and Charlotte with azaleas in Aberdeen.

And this is a fear in Hemel Hempstead.

-- Sofia. Are you going back to the laptop to keep writing? I'm going

to go home and work all night through to the early hours. Will

you get into your her pyjamas? Pardon? You said you write in your

pyjamas. That is a virtual chat-up line for national television.

Picture the scene, I will be in my underpants. Thank you for joining