13/01/2017 The One Show

Hello, welcome to the one show with me Angela Scanlon and my guest

presenter tonight, the perfect antidote it the cold, miserable

weather outside, the pub landlord himself, Mr Al Murray!

APPLAUSE Thank you. Thank you, my people.

Calm yourselves. We will have a sizzling performance from an artist

we will hear more from in the future, the winner of the BBC sound

of the 2017, Ray Black and get this, she's written the funkiest song ever

about Catford. How many are there, do you think? I don't know, this is

the funkiest. Great. She is outside with her band keeping warm until her

performance later on. Let us in! She's not coming in and our sofa

guest tonight is pleased he's not going out. Oh, yeah! It's Lee Mack!

APPLAUSE Thank you very much. Hello. Thank

you. Welcome to the one show. I always forget when I come on this

show that you're in the window and people are passing by. I feel I'm

relaxing too much at DFS. Lie down, feel free. We've got a sale on.

These sofas are a bargain. A great show, but they do look cheap, let's

be honest. It's Friday the 13th. Do you get superstitious? I'd forgotten

that. Now you've got me worried my sitcom is going out tonight. No, I

don't have any of those. More on that later, or maybe not. So far

Friday the 13th hasn't been lucky as far as weather is concerned. Joe and

ewe win are tracking the -- Iwan are tracking the snows and the storms.

The M 62 rises to 1221 feet in the Pennines at junction 22. That means

it's very, very exposed to some of principle's worst weather. Andrew

has a great job title, severe weather manager for the whole of the

North West. How many salt spreaders will be out this evening? 30 on the

go. 30? Throughout the North West region, yeah. That seems a lot. It

is, yeah. But that's what we need to get everywhere done in two hours. We

try to keep it the best at all times. We have vehicles ready to

move any incidents out of the way. Later I join traffic officers Colin

and John. People think that there's a about the of snow, but I'm all

right, it will be OK. Still they proceed at 70mph and the next thing

they know, they can't cope with it. From CCTV it looks as though you

have two vehicles... It's not long before the patrol gets their first

emergency call on a neighbouring motorway. He's a bit stressed

because it's his first ever accident. So it's just a case of

keeping him together and keep talking to him and making sure he

doesn't deteriorate at the moment. Just about to come off at junction

there. It just happened so quick. All the cars were like backed up.

Slammed my brakes on and I kept skidding and skidding. Went into the

back of him. There's no suggestion the driver of this car w breaking

the law. -- was break being the law. Though driving at the speed limit

can be testing in these conditions. This is Essex. People here are being

evacuated this morning because of a severe flood alert. Hello, Sir. Are

you staying put? No. What have you done? Everything off the ground?

Yeah. Can you show us? Do you think that's high enough? Yeah, because

it's hollow under here, most of us will run through the bottom. With my

help and that, I'm going to make sure I'm out. Good, let's get you on

your way. This is Henry. Hello, Henry. This is Alfie. Are you

evacuating them today? Yeah, hence I've put them in the trolley. What

due feel you had to bring with you? Brought my valuables, my paperwork

and stuff. You're prepared to leave today? Yeah, I'm worried about them.

Myself I'm not too worried about. I float like a brick, I'll be all

right! These buss are going past, they're there to talk you away. Do

you not want to go? No. Why not? No. I don't want to leave my house. Seen

it all, so the building is still there. The building is There Must

ing -- is still there. You're knocking on every door? Yes,

seeing who's there, advising them. I don't know if you've seen the

weather report, that's changed. Potentially it will be scaled down,

but we will be here. We don't know what the midnight tide will be. We

were told severe flood alert, now it's gone away this afternoon.

What's going on? Thankfully, on the first tide today, we're seeing that

the wind hasn't rammed up quite -- ramped up quite as much. We're

asking people to be careful. Tonight, we have another tide coming

in. That looks higher than the one at lunch time. There is still a risk

to life. Good luck out there. Here's hoping everyone stays safe tonight

and over the weekend. Now Lee, this is the eighth series of Not Going

Out. Is that right? It is, yeah. We've had ten years and we've had a

couple of years off. One out of choice, one out of cancellation. But

we won't talk about that. LAUGHTER

Are you over it yet? I am, it was many years ago. I'm not bitter.

That's a lot of stories to come up with. What happened was, for the

first seven years, the story was man fancied landlady. Then this year, we

change today to man is married to landlady with seven children - three

children, sorry! I was with an Irish woman, I forgot how many kids I had.

LAUGHTER Seven years later but with three

children. Why seven years? Because I wanted to replicate my three life. I

am married with three kids. Someone said have a baby in one series and

another one. But then I thought we might get cancelled again. So let's

hit the ground running. Let's not take any chances. When I'm at home

and having a row with my wife or the kids, instead of getting angry like

I used to, I get the pen and note pad out, I go, thank you, I'll have

that. Middle of making love, you know... Oh! Thank you. I'll use

that. How does that go down? Not very well. That's not the joke I was

going to do when you said that. You can pay me later. Let's have a look.

We haven't had a single night away Just the Two of Us. So. That's your

choice as much as mine. No, it's not. Do you remember what I asked

for on my last birthday. Not this again. The orient express is

expensive. The next best thing is not Pizza Express. And you know it's

not just about the money. OK. Soy don't like leaving the kids with

other people. I want to be near them in case they need me. Mummy there's

a burnt bit on my toast. Well phone Social Services.

The thing that really stands out about Not Going Out is it's full of

jokes. Yeah, who would have thought that in the modern age. It is true.

There's a lot of single camera realism and naturalism and

fortunately, I don't have any choice because I'm not what you call an

actor. Instead I thought I'd do loads of jokes and have a studio

audience instead. Kind of American style. Yeah, that was the idea. They

said you have to have a joke a page, when you're doing a sitcom. I

thought that was a lot, but it's not. It's a treat when you are

watching it, because it's an assault of jokes, in the best possible way.

Biggest back-handed compliment in my life. An assault of jokes. They just

keep coming. They're endless. If you don't like one, there's another

round the corner. If you don't like that one, there might be another one

round the corner. Fingers crossed. No, there is a lot of jokes. We try

to put in as much as we can. Is there a big team writing? Over the

years, we've tried different ways of doing it, it's still down to me and

two others to write the bulk of the main scripts. Then we have gag

writers who give it a polish. A lot of domestic situations, but a bit of

fantasy thrown in. You got to live out your celeb crush maybe. We made

a rule that everything has to be based on a true story this year,

that has happened to a writers. That worried us. But does your wife know

you've given us this story. He goes, no. Well, the rule is, if your wife

doesn't like it, you're not going to believe this, by coincidence Lee has

this with his wife as well. Thank God I'm not saying that live on the

One Show! The idea is we tell true stories. My wife and I are obsessed

with people who play the hot tub fantasy date game. Who would you

like to hot tub with, you know, that's not what you're really

asking. We know what the question really means. What do you mean? We

could explain it! The idea is that people will say who they'd like to

spend the night in a hot tub with. In the show I say ex-(DEEmma Bunton

and she -- say Emma Bunton. And she said yes. When someone suggests

that, you're going to say yes, aren't you. Definitely. Yeah. First

choice, well, fourth choice of the Spice Girls.

LAUGHTER But you know, after B and C, and

Posh had turned you down, you're down to Bunton. Aren't you. Did she

make up for it. I didn't say Sporty. No, they're all fantastic. I had met

Emma before. She said, I like your show. Right do you want to be in it.

Got to be careful if you say that, I will put you in it. Didn't she say

that the other Spice Girls don't like it. Well, she made it clear,

no, they made it clear. The kids in the show, what's it like working

with children? Up to now, it's been about adults and adult interaction.

It's odd because I've got three kids in real life. You spend the morning

getting them to school and the stresses of everyday life. You go to

work and you spend all day with somebody else's kids all day. By the

end of the day I'm a nervous wreck. Genuinely they're more experienced

than me. They've done more different shows than I've done. They're great

kids. They're all on the ball. They all know their lines. It's

embarrassing. You didn't want to use your own children then? Definitely

not. Can you imagine anything worse than bringing your kids to work. You

wouldn't bring them to the One Show. No, no. Being in showbiz is about

getting away from your kids. You never stop touring, you know Y

Absolutely. Get out of the house. Are your kids funny, though? They

are, yeah. One of them told me a funny joke. I might have to edit it.

It's safe. It wasn't safe when he told me. He likes telling old jokes.

I like trying to guess the punch line. What's brown and sticky. I

said a stick. No, poo. LAUGHTER

I'd like to point out that's not quite what he said. Thanks for

sparing us. Not Going Out is going on tonight, 9pm on BBC One. Someone

who could deliver quicker balls than Lee can deliver the gags was Fred

Trueman. Here's his son Rob, who talks about growing up with a father

few could call modest. My dad was a Yorkshireman through and through,

the greatest fast bowler that ever drew breath. His name was Fred

Trueman. He was the first cricketer to take 300 Test wickets.

COMMENTATOR: That's it! He's got it. 300 Test wickets. Batsmen were

terrified of him. COMMENTATOR: He's caught behind.

Freddie was a great cricketer. There's no doubt about that. It was

a gentleman's game when he started his career. Of course, Freddie come

off an humble background. Granddad worked down the mine. He loved

cricket. He found of all the local children that Freddie had talent and

he found a way to push him in the right direction. When dad won his

Yorkshire cap he did a fine thing and brought it back to give to his

father. Granddad welled up and said he would keep it all his life. Two

years later, dad came back with the England cap. Granddad said, "You can

keep that son, I've got the only one that matters." The Yorkshire cap was

buried with my granddad. Joo my nickname was given to me by press

critics, radio and commentators. I'm firery on the cricket field because

I like to winment Dad was blunt and direct. Even today I meet people who

he offended. Dad's principle was to be honest and tell people what he

thought. Fred was accused of Jack of lad. -- Jack the lad, but he wasn't.

Out here, the middle, he played hard, but fair. He played within the

laws of the game. So many times dad was wrongly accused of bad

behaviour. I think the bad boy image stuck because dad really wasn't one

of them. He wasn't part of the establishment. He wasn't the sort of

person to pander to people. He loved Scarborough. This is where we lived.

Happy memories. A have a sister Karen, twin sisters. He was a lovely

and devoted dad. This is where we saw the softer side. Mum hated the

long cricket tours. When I was eight, they split up. When you're

married to a famous person, everyone expects it to be absolutely out of

this world and marvellous, you have a car to drive. You have a nice

house and nice clothes. You go to famous places and meet famous

people. But that isn't all. That isn't the end of it. You can also be

a very lonely person, on your own, while your husband is thousands of

miles away. In the evenings, after they split up he would come back and

see me. Dad used to tuck us into bed. Can you imagine, we really

missed him. Me and my sister used to turn around often and retrace his

steps on the carpet. On occasion, dad would come to school to watch us

play cricket. I was bowling in the nets. Dad came over to me and said,

"Son, you're trying to bowl too fast." I said, dad, I thought you'd

want me to be like you. "No, I had a God given talent. You haven't got.

It" I was so relieved. Thank goodness I didn't have to play

cricket. Freddie had a sense of mischief. He used to wait for the

opposition's opening batsman. As they came out through the gate, he

used to say, "Don't close that gate, because you won't be long out here."

touch he had a mixed relationship with his club but on retirement he

was presented with a silver platter and Yorkshire County Cricket club

could not be bothered to get it in grade. He had to pay for that

himself. When I give the radio -- the reading at Freddie 's funeral,

ten years ago, I said then that Freddie was a genius and I don't use

that word lightly. I put him at the side of Muhammed Ali and Pele. Some

of the most precious times I had with dad were in the car. When I

feel like I am really missing him, I will take out his CD so I can hear

his voice. As we say in Yorkshire, if I had my time over again, I would

do the same things in the same way. You're not a cricket fan but you are

a fan of Fred Trueman. I love a programme called Indoor League. I

have a DVD of it. It is all indoor pub sports. We will have a look. See

that, cracking! Who ever said that the place of a woman was in the

kitchen? That is it for this week. He has got the paint and the pipe,

that was children's television! Someone said, we might have to move

that! What is it that you like about it? I grew up in a pub. I would love

to be a sportsman but I am not good enough but I am good at the indoor

sports. Let's put you to the test. We have created our own version, it

is called The Not Going Out-door League. You will go up against our

very own Pub Landlord. First up, we have got a game of table skittles.

Tell us how we play this. You stand here. I will go first. Hold the ball

and throw it that way. Is this a toilet chain? It could be. Over

here. Don't touch what you can't afford! Three, not bad, but not

enough. Come on, leave. I appreciate what you suggested, but you made a

schoolboy error. You need to place it slightly to the right.

APPLAUSE. You cannot argue with that. I'm not sure how we are going

to figure this out. Let's go with it. 1- 02 Al. We have to play clean

on the one show. Next up, we have at game called Toad in the Hole.

Chrissie, you are at the landlady of the The Volunteer in Lewes. We play

this every Monday night. What are the rules? Basically, you touch your

toad onto the lead and you score a point, touch it into the hole and

you score two points. If it hits the back, you get no points. OK. What if

it hits on the back. Because it hits the back. Any tips? Bounce and

flick. Lead bounds and flick. That was good advice! It does fit in

the hole. I will never win at this. It didn't touch the back. That is a

draw. Let's just keep playing. It is arm wrestling. This is the ultimate

game. Can I stop you there? I have done in my back, I can't do it. Can

I point out, I love how you are actually taking it seriously? He is

too big to turn upside down! Do you mind if I use a volunteer. He can

represent me. This lady is looking strong but I think I will go with

this gentleman here. My name is Stephen Kirlew. I am the ten time

British arm wrestling champion. What! Lee Mack! Here we go. Five

seconds. I'll see what I can do! I will count you down, five, four,

three, two, one. That is it, you won. Time to continue our

alphabetical food journey around the UK. Six letters down already which

means that Ricky is up to G. Mild by mile and letter by letter, I am on

an alphabetical odyssey putting together my a to Z of UK food. There

are some great suggestions for G. Including the Gravesend Gypsy Tart.

I like the suggestion that I head overseas for a channel Island treat,

the Guernsey bean jar. Islanders have been enjoying this cheap stew

for centuries. They say there is no definitive recipe. The traditional

Guernsey bean jar, haricot beans, ham hock and an onion. Every family

has a recipe. Why are we in a bakery? Housewives used to make

them. My grandfather used to put them in the oven overnight. Sunday

morning, they would come back around to the bakery, bean jar was the

traditional breakfast. People are passionate about it. Some people say

you should have carrots, other say you should not. Are you a carrot man

or not? I will not admit to it. You don't like the bean jar? Not at all.

I want to change his mind and I'm relying on the butchers, bakers and

cider makers to help me do it. My quest for the ultimate Guernsey

recipe starts with which Jason Hammond. You can put in anything,

beef, bacon... Big all go into my bag. Next stop is the herb farm to

give my brew a distinctive injection of flavour. You have come to the

right place, we have coriander, dill, parsley, sage and chives and a

lot of basil. Are you a carrots are no carrots man? I am not a carrots

man. I follow my mother 's recipe. Definitely no carrots. With the

prize and parcel of parsley it is time to move on and I am starting to

think, this traditional dish could do with a splash of something a bit

special. I heard you with a man to come and see about cider. I have

plenty. This is our traditional cider, people use it quite a lot for

cooking. It should add sweetness. As they head to my final stop, I need

to make the big decision. Vegetable grower Terry has a great selection

of carrots but do I include them? I think it will give it a better

taste. If few local carrots. You grow carrots. Of course! Ingredients

collected, it is time to prep and put them in my part and I have come

up with at canny compromise for carrots. I will leave them a whole.

If you don't like them, you're not trying to fish them out, and if you

do like them, you have a lovely whole carrot to eight. My bean jar

goes into the oven overnight. The next morning it is time to see if I

have done Guernsey growers proud. That is right up my street. Tasty,

wholesome, the smoked bacon and cider work a treat. I am a fan, but

what about the Guernsey people? That is good. That is really very nice.

An element of sweetness and fruitiness. I love it. It is very

nice, very good. It is a winner. The real test is bean jar dodger Martin.

After all these years, I have to say, it is not half bad. That is the

Guernsey bean jar on my map. Kitchen table. I need a bigger map. I had on

my way now, where I go next as always is up to you. It's time to

meet 60s!. She has won the BBC Sound of 2017. -- were you surprised to

win, this is a fantastic thing to have happened -- Ray Blk. I feel

like I'm in a dream. Your sister is a big fan of your music. No, she

will tell you that she is now, but one we were growing up she told me

to keep quiet, I was making too much I and could not saying. We are here

now. Good luck with your show at the village Underground in London on the

27th. Your mini album Durt is out now. We will let you get on with

preparing for your performance. Good luck tonight with 'Not Going Out'

tonight. Good luck with your stage debut with The Miser with Griff

Rhys-Jones which is also coming up. And now here is Ray Blk with My

Hood. Have a great weekend everyone. # Socks and sliders

everywhere and every day. # Full English breakfast

at a caff, not a cafe. # No, no, baby, we don't let

strangers come our way. # But you should come

to my hood, my hood, my hood. # Meet me at Morley's,

best fried chicken is in South. # I'll show you gangsters,

don't you go running your # Mopeds are racing,

2AM outside my house, oh yeah, it's # But come to my hood,

my hood, my hood. # Oh, you should come to my hood,

my hood, my hood, my # You should come to my

hood, my hood, my hood. # We're chasing paper then

Blue Borough should be green. # I won't lie, finding

a way out is our dream. # But you should come

to my hood, my hood, my hood. # Top floor of Pepys estate,

we'll show you our world. # That building turns

you to a woman from a girl. # Now time to stop, life flashes

past you in a whirl. # But you should come

to my hood, my hood, my hood. # There's no place like home,

no place like home. # Buy me any ticket,

I don't wanna go. # To a town where there's

no one like me round. # You should come to my

hood, my hood, my hood.