21/09/2012 The One Show

Hello and welcome to the One Show with Lucy Siegle and Chris Evans.

Alex is not here today and she will not be happy because tonight's

guest is one of her absolute favourites. He has an annoyingly

talented actor, comedian and writer who has raised millions for charity

with his extraordinary swims. He is very good-looking. I hate him!

Please welcome the man who is How are you, David? Please, come in.

What do you think? Of what? whole thing? Magical. Is it similar

to being on the Bond set on the set of Skyfall? Me and my wife were

invited to see the sets, which were fantastic, and we did spend some

time with Daniel Craig. I had met him before and he was a bit grumpy,

so I warned my wife that he might be grumpy because he is a serious

actor. He could not have been more charming! Tonight, we are

celebrating 50 years of Bond and we are going to test you to see how

big a fan you really are. During the show, we have three real but

obscure props from actual James Bond films and we will show them to

you. And you will play for this. The brand new Blu-Ray Bond box set.

Question number one, that will win you the box. Question number two,

there will win the DVD holders. You will only win the actual films if

you get the third question right. If I take this, what will you do

with them? Don't worry. Are you ready to play for the box? This is

an actual proper from a James Bond set. It is an explosive device. But

which movie is it from? Is it from Octopussy, Diamonds Are Forever, or

The Spy Who Loved Me? The Spy Who Loved Me. I thought he was going to

take the box! Let's see if he is right. Correct, ladies and

gentlemen. Amazing. He has the box. Now, in James Bond's most infamous

recent appearance he was jumping out of a helicopter with the queen

at the Olympics opening ceremony. It not to be out on, Angellica Bell

leapt at the chance to spend the day with the James Bond stunt

people. If box-office success was a

cocktail, it would be a dry martini. Bond. It has the music... The

girls... And and the gadgets. Ejector seat? Joking. I never joke

about my work. But this mix would be nothing without the stunt

It is amazing what people will do these days to be a One Show

presenter. Was that OK? Fantastic, wonderful. John Glen is the

director of Five Bond movies. Why are the stance so important?

like to pride ourselves on doing the best stunt work and employing

the best stunt men. How would you think of a stunt to go in? People

get used to seeing aeroplanes flying over cars, but not many

people see cars flying over aeroplanes. That is the sort of

idea in the back of our mind, too surprised the audience. What is the

most dramatic stunt you have directed? In The Spy Who Loved Me,

the skiing parachute jump. We very nearly did not get it. It was just

one take and the weather was against us. That one shot cost

$250,000, over 20 years ago. If it had failed, Rick Sylvester would

have been blown into the precipice. We did not have a rope long enough

to retrieve him. It was 7200 ft down. And you got it. Yes. We shot

the rest of the sequence in San Moritz, because it was cheaper.

a lot of the James Bond actors do their own stunts? Roger did a lot

of his own staff. Timothy frightened me. He got on top of the

jeep and I was horrified. I thought we could have lost our new James

Bond. The stunt co-ordinator worked with John on Octopussy, making the

action happen. I was asked to run along the top of the train,

doubling for Roger. That was great fun. You are safe, bouncing along.

But then I was asked to duck under the bridge, two feet above the

trains. At 35 mph, it is trying to judge how fast you can be. I

thought, oh, my God. I just ducked down. There was a pipe over the

track. I said to the camera crew, if they see that, they will want me

to jump over it. The next day I got the phone call saying, that Pipe...

I think the public expect a lot from a Bond movie. There is

terrific anticipation. They know they will be thrilled. It starts

with the title music. You get a tingle when you hear the guitar. If

so that was wonderful, but you must get ready for your next shot.

Action. The name is Angellica Bell. Here are some tricks of the trade.

I kick towards the camera, and the stuntman bounces away from the lens.

No where to go, but what you are not seeing are the boxes that I

jump on to. The successful stunt punschrulle break an imaginary

And it is all over. Well done. is to the next 50 years. Long may

That was a pretty good win court. I wish I could do that. Still breast-

feeding and doing all that. Is she? David, you are playing for the box

set of James Bond movies. The next question is for the DVD holders.

The third question is for the films. Would you like to see the next

genuine prop from the James Bond set? Yes. We have some flame

throwing bagpipes. Which movie are these from. --? Is it, The World Is

Not Enough, The Living Daylights, or Moonraker? Which one? They

definitely only appear in the gadget room. I think it is The

World Is Not Enough. Shall we find out if he is right? He is right!

all have to pay the piper some time, right? Simon macro pipe down.

If you do not win the movies, we will divide them among the crew.

think I will get out of here? have a theory about James Bond

films. They are only as good as the villain. The villain in the new

film is fantastic. How much inside skinny have you got on it? I have

only seen bits and pieces. I strike took -- I try to get stuff out of

the producers because I'm friends with them. Obviously not such good

friends, otherwise you would be in the movie! She does not want to

ruin them by having me in it. I did ask if I could be money penny. I

said, why can't money penny be a man and have a crush on James Bond?

She laughed, but not in a good way. You think that theory continues

into children's books. Tell us about the baddie in your book.

written a book called Ratburger, for children of all ages. I have

never had an evil villain in a book, and this is my fifth children's

book. I wanted to create some on Dos diddly, because the children's

books that I loved, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the child catcher, I

love a bad villain. So I thought, this time, I want someone evil at

the centre of the book. It is this man called Burt, who runs a burger

van parked outside a school, and he sells burgers, but they are

actually made from rats. Why is that an issue? Because health and

safety... No, that was the star of the book as a rat. I was getting to

that. We finish at 7:30pm! I was only trying to help! The Hero of

the book, Zoe, befriends a rat. Her hamster has killed at the start, so

she befriends a rat and trains it, and Burt is after her rat, because

it is a baby. A baby ones are more succulent. You are scaring me. We

have some questions from viewers. There is a burger van man in the

book, so here is another. I saw proper burgers. In your book, the

burger van man is a baddie. Have you had a bad experience with

burgers? Will... Do you both live in London? You know when you walk

around the streets of central London late at night and there are

men trying things? Always on the verge of being arrested. They are

frying things, and you think, what is it made of. You would have to be

drunk to buy one of them. I have eaten them on occasion and they are

disgusting. You cannot tell what meet it is. The main character has

a pet rat. We have a question from nine-year-old Neve. This is my pet

rat, and she likes to sit on my shoulder, lots of cuddles, and she

can stand on her back legs. Why did you pick a rat for Zoe's pet?

Because it was not the conventional pet. Most little girls want bunny

rabbits, gerbils or hamsters. Obviously, her parents could not

afford one so they gave her a rat. I thought it was more interesting

if it was a rat. And that would mean people would not want her to

have a rat as a pet. She has a wicked stepmother who hates of rats.

Who wants to hear some of the book being read by David? Give us a bit.

This is a bit where Burt has gone to Zoe's flat to try and steal the

rat, and he has it in his pocket and he is talking to Zoe's

stepmother. Well, I tell the kiddies that they

go to a special hotel for rats. Sheila laughed. I don't believe you.

Yes, the little fools think they get to frolic outdoors in the

sunshine. Before relaxing in a spa area, having a massage and facials

and the like. But really, whispered Scheele, I pulverise them in my

Ratburger is out in the shops now. This week we had seen some of our

One Show gang take up the challenge of entering a village show. Let's

It is the biggest day of the year in the village of Caddington, near

Luton. It is the day that months of hard work comes to fruition. Today

we find out if you have really got what it takes. Yes, it is Judgement

Day. The village of Caddington is home to nearly 4000 people. There

are shops, churches, two pubs and an excellent village show off. The

show has been going for 10 years now, with all of the usual

attractions. But the highlight is the produce competition. But this

year, the locals have fierce opposition. We have been challenged

to enter the competitions for the best jam, the best radishes, the

best cup cakes and the best flower arrangement. We have all had

masterclasses from experts in our categories, but today there are no

professionals allowed, so we are on our own. We have 62 categories,

ranging from jam, cakes, marrows, the longest runner bean, to

needlework. People like to enter. Is it serious? Very serious. People

say it is not until they walk through the door, but then it is

serious. I like to think they are perfectly formed. We are gathering

for motivation or huddled. We are live together, cars against them.

And if we win, which I think we will, it would be tremendous.

one gold medal between us. It would make four years of training

worthwhile. Show time. The various competition entries are being

brought in. Dare I think that I may have a chance? Well, maybe it is

fair to say that an Lita's category is not the most fiercely contested.

Now that I have seen the competition, fingers crossed,

Some good ones here! The competition is clearly pretty

enough. I mean, look at these! These are terrific. Last night, I

was up until the early hours making 48 cupcakes. These are the best

four. Vy to say, there's a lot of

competition. I think my jam stands proud.

Before we know it, the judges are upon us. We have to clear out of

the room. All the entries are anonymous, so the judges will not

know which things have been made by which people. That's carrot cake -

that's lovely! There's a job to aspire to - a cupcake taster. How

do you get to become a cupcake taster? The judges are all local

experts. We are not allowed in here while they are deliberating. It is

like waiting for exam results. I didn't think I would be nervous,

but I am. Three hours later and we are allowed in to see the results.

Matt is not looking very happy. didn't get a prize at all.

that's brilliant! Third prize - I mean that's fantastic. I have been

giving the cakes to people outside - they have been loving them.

Seriously! I've just come second. I'm so thrilled! This is the funny

thing, right, I know that Anita's radishes, she'll get a prize for

those. How is that even possible! I can't even believe it! They won. I

am not making this up - this is a really proud moment for me, because

I have never been able to grow anything. Oh, come off it, Anita!

She got first prize for her tiny radishes! So, we came, we saw, and

in my case, at least, we conquered. Matt, your cupcakes - I think they

needed a touch of apple and raspberry game. They needed more

showbiz. They were ordinary. Which is i Ronic coming from him. Silver?

Bronze. What happened to Matt? Where has he gone? There we are.

The team and the gang. We are joined by them all. You were crest-

fallen there. There was a theme apparently. Nobody told me about

the theme. What about to the other 42 cupcakes? They have all been

eaten. He couldn't give them away at the faith. Anita - winner! Were

they a special type of radish? Microdiet radishes. Were they

intentionally that? I have never grown anything in my life. That was

an achievement. They were doing so well. You have to zoom in to see it.

You were first out of two entries. We heard there were no other

entries and they shipped some in... He's mane! Mr Dilger, tell us about

the future and jam for you. Second out of ten, may I say. Apparently

the taste was sensational, I am reliably informed. The reason I

didn't come first is I didn't have ging ham cloth on the top. It is

all about the taste. I rang up my judge afterwards, she said, I am a

national judge, you don't need gingham cloth on the top. Would you

like some proiz-winning jam? -- prize-winning jam?

Well done! Now, all night tonight we have

given David the chance to win the complete James Bond boxset. He has

won the DVD case. You don't win, we share it out ten the crew. A movie

each and then we swap. These are real props. This is the final one.

Are you ready? Now I am informed these are suckers.

These are from the set, but you have to tell us which set these

suckers are from? Let me read the questions out. Are they from A, For

Your Eyes Only? B, You Only Live Twice? C, Diamonds Are Forever?

They are used to scale the skyscraper, so they are from

Diamonds Are Forever. Let's find out if he's right or wrong!

You get to keep the box.... I will be keeping it! Just to let you

know! He has ordered them online, he has

told us. I am keeping the box, just to be difficult.

Now, David, we know you are a brilliant award-winning writer, in

in fact this year you are up for the Roald Dahl Funny Prize. Even

best-sellers can get a punning from critics. The Da Vinci Code was said

to be for people who cannot read. Sometimes a stinking review can

help. On the county Antrim coast and home to the woman accorded the

title, "The worst writer in the world." An author for whom Sundays

are sanityfyed measures of time and sweat is made from lather. Here

name Amanda McClelland McKittrick Ros. She was called the worst bad

writer who ever lived. You cannot get much more damning than that.

She had humble beginnings. Born in 1860 she qualified as a teacher and

married the local station master. She lived here, on this road in

Larne. She had ambitions to conquer the litter rayry world. Her loving

husband paid for her first novel to be published. So, an author is born.

In Belfast, the central library has a dedicated section for her work.

Irene Iddesleigh, it is her first author. What is it about?

retiring bachelor. She Marys him. She has a child and -- marrys him,

she has a child and at the end of the novel commits suicide. What are

the key features? It is so bad it is good. The characterisation is

carried to ridiculous extremes. The style is embell lished to a point

it becomes bizarre. At moments of high emotion, the characters

arelyable to talk for about two -- are liable to talk for about two

pages. If a husband accuses his wife of being cold to him, most

authors convey the idea in a few words. Not Amanda. "Was I falsely

informed of your ways? Was I duped to askend the hill of harmony? The

tree of triumph of and the rock of regard? When wildly manifesting my

act of asession, was I to be informed of treading still in the

valley of defeat? "A cop pi of this found its way

into the hands of a critic. He slated the novel. Soon the name Ros

was spoken of in bad tones. Parties where her books were read aloud

became the rage. In Oxford, a group of academics held competitions at

their local pub. First prize was awarded to the person who could

read Amanda's work aloud for longest before laughing. And the

laughter spread, all the way to America and to the man who gave us

Tom Sayer. Mark Twaine's view - perhaps the greatest humorous novel

of all time. The people who didn't like her were mainly Metropolitan

middle-aged men. Amanda proved well able to defend herself.

Amanda was very much a woman who went to war. She wrote a poem, she

is more or less dancing on the grave. She had her fans. These are

just some of the letters, begging for copies of her books and

encourage -- encouraging her to carry on writing. Which she did,

until her death in 1939. Mrs Ros had no doubt she was within of the

brightest flowers in hereditaryry take. She predicted her work would

still be read in 1,000 years. But Amanda may be disappointed, while

early editions of his work fetch hundreds of pounds at auction, they

are all now out of print. You see, sometimes bad publicity is

good publicity. Apparently so. On Tuesday we showed you this old

school photo, which was taken 75 years before the famous mo bot.

Mobot. We asked you to get in touch if you were in that photo? Pamela

Frankton got in touch. This is what she had to say. Hello. Sorry I

cannot be with you. I was in one of the pictures you showed in the week.

I was 12 at the time and in the front row. It was taken in 1937 at

the Royal Wanstead School in Essex. I was pleased to see one of our

moves has now become the Mobot. That is great! If there are any

more of you out there, get in touch at [email protected]. We have

also discovered a place where the routine panel in 1937 are going

strong, the The Royal Masonic School in Hertfordshire. Hello,

girls. Hello. How often do you do this? 20 minutes. Three times a

year. Once on the day the old girls come back and watch it. Do you know

the history? It originated in Sweden as gymnastics in 1876.

to you. Is it just you guys? There are 180 of us. What?! Yes. There

are 40 reserves on top of that. my goodness me!

I think we have some videotape of you all doing it. Give us a taster

first. If we have time we'll play APPLAUSE

Amazing! A big thank you to David and his