23/02/2018 The One Show


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23/02/2018

Stand-up comedians Dara O Briain and Fozzie Bear from the Muppets join Alex Jones and Dev Griffin to try and out-joke each other. Plus there's music from Rae Morris.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

Hello and welcome to The One Show

with me Alex Jones,

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and Radio One's Dev Griffin.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thanks Alex -

super excited to be here as one

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of my favourite artists will be

performing for us later

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in the show -

It's Rae Morris!

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Looking forward to that.

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Also joining us this evening not

one, but two stand up comedians -

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both snappy dressers...

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Both hilarious.

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Yeah.

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But one is much hairier

than the other -

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It's Fozzie Bear and Dara O'Briain!

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Welcome, both! Now then, Fozzie

Bear. You are the resident comedian

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at The Muppets but one would -- some

would say you lack comedic skills. I

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know, I know.

Some would say that.

Is it a fair assessment?

It probably

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is but I will let you know I hold

the biggest collection of whoopee

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cushions in the western Hamas there.

There is nothing funnier.

Who would

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you say harshest critics?

That's

pretty easy, the guys in the

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balcony, Statler and Waldorf. They

might not like my act but they show

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up for every performance!

LAUGHTER

Yes, yes.

Let's find out what

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Statler and Waldorf think of this

show so far.

Wake me when the show

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starts.

It's already be on a while!

Wake me when it's over!

LAUGHTER

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That is rude, barely even started.

Statler reminds me of someone, Dara.

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I don't know if you can see the

resemblance here.

Come on! That is

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harsh.

I said that was harsh, too

harsh.

Yes.

It is harsh, but you

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know what? It's kind of true!

LAUGHTER

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From you I expected more.

I'm sorry,

I'm sorry.

Are you a fan of The

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Muppets, Dara?

I adore The Muppets.

I've got nothing to say, I will just

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sit here with my guru, my icon, this

is my career inspiration, Fozzie

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Bear here. Stop it! Genuinely. This

is a proud...

You are making me

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blush.

We read notes that Fozzie is

your second favourite Muppet.

One

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does not pick favourites! I can list

them... Gonzo, Animal... Gonzo is

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kind of my favourite. With you.

I

like you, I like you a lot.

That

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might be other people you like more,

I'm OK with that! Gonzo is great!

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LAUGHTER

And also meet up.

I love them all.

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First off we're talking

manners tonight.

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Dara are you a stickler for good

manners from your kids?

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Yes, I think people should be polite

and have good manners.

You will like

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this next film then, right up your

street.

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Far from fading into the history

books, etiquette schools are going

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strong in the UK. Good morning

everybody. And it's not just adults

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taking classes, children are also

mastering the arts of

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sophistication. But are these

classes of any relevance to the

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average British army? The One Show

is conducting an etiquette

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experiment to find out. -- to the

average British family. William is

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one of the leading etiquette coaches

in the country.

Good etiquette is

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important because it is the sign of

a civilised society. Without

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etiquette, we would be a pretty rude

bunch. As much of a Pelissie and is

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hackneyed as it is, manners do cost

nothing.

Most would agree manners

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have a place in society, but should

children London in classes or at

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home? We have brought a group to

Bisham Abbey where a coach will

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teach them the basic.

We will start

straightaway talking about manners.

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Their parents will be watching next

door, but do they think it will be

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of any benefit to them or their

children?

Kids nowadays sit around a

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table thinking it's OK to watch

their iPad, look at their phones so

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I think a class like this is

fantastic.

We all know we are having

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issues now with behaviour with young

ones, and for someone to sort of

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pick up and that is really great.

But not all of the parents are so

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convinced.

I believe manners and

etiquette and things should come

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down from the parents, you should

teach them by example.

I'm hoping

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they won't learn anything new from

today's classes but perhaps it will

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reinforce a few things.

Opinions

then are divided and Belinda has

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just an hour with the children. Not

long to change the minds of

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sceptical parents. First on the

agenda, what manners mean.

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Absolutely top of that class, quote

of the class, putting others before

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yourself. How many of you ever write

a little thank you note? Wow. I am

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impressed!

I put my arms on the

table at dinner time. My brother

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points at me.

Get your elbows off

the table!

I don't understand why...

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I will tell you why, because it is

much better for your posture.

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Remember that, and elbows off the

table now please.

Thank you. Next

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up, its phones and tablets.

Why are

you on your phone is so much, is it

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that you are talking to your friends

at school?

Grace had a phone for the

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last few months and any opportunity,

she will be on her phone, so it has

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made a difference in the way we

interact as a family.

Now these

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children are just looking at a

tablet or playing games on them and

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they are no longer in touch with the

rest of the family.

But where are

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the children picking up these

habits? Perhaps the apple doesn't

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fall far from the tree.

Recently my

dad has been on Facebook a lot and

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he's not been playing with me as

much as he used to.

Every time my

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dad comes from work, the first thing

he does is go on his iPad. I try to

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get him off it but he tells me he is

looking at things for work when he

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is really on Facebook and everything

talking to his friends.

Whenever I

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go to sleep and I'm with my dad, he

always plays this game. Whenever I

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feel scared, he just carries on and

he just pokes into the phone.

Does

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he? So you are annoyed with him now,

aren't you? Well if I see him

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afterwards, I might tell him off.

So has today's experiment change the

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minds of any of our parents?

I

thought F Peter Coates was just

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things like napkins, glasses and

what cutlery and crockery to use but

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there is a lot more to it than that.

The kids learned from our actions.

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It is nice to see what Siobhan's

opinions well.

I have to focus on

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what he likes and stop playing with

the gadgets!

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Children today are criticised. We

all think they use mobiles, tablets

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and the Internet to access, but

today has illustrated that we need

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to take a harsh look at ourselves,

not just them.

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Fascinating.

Very true.

What did you

think of that, Fozzie?

LAUGHTER

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Right, right...

This is not good

etiquette, you need to get off that

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phone.

Oh, we are back and look, I

didn't know! I'm sorry, so sorry!

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Fozzie. Fozzie and I are working

together.

Are you?

Yes. Fozzie, why

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should you never tell a joke at the

Winter Olympics?

Because the ice

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might crack up!

Now, the thing is,

you two have worked together.

We

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have.

You have done it already on Go

8 Bit, the new

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This is based on classic video

games, a panel show based on classic

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video games, how does it work?

Basically we are tapping into the

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fact it is fun to sit on the couch

with your friends playing video

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games and trash talk each other,

that's essentially what we do. We

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bring and the people that are most

likely to do trash talk, which is

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comics, and they compete and donkey

Kong, Pac man or modern VR games we

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had you doing or vintage games. We

put them in silly costumes and make

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them do ludicrous things in the love

of just playing games.

Quite an

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important question... Why is I1 of

the best contestants to take part?

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Tell me at least I was better than

Susan Calman.

I can't give away the

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ending! Lets just say in the grand

scheme of things, no. Some people

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take it really, really seriously.

Our classic episode was -- Susan

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Calman against David Jones. They

went straight to shark eyes. Like

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she was when she was doing the

dancing on him as a professional

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footballer, that came right at each

other and it was glorious to watch.

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Susan didn't bother using the threat

at all!

So wrong!

You put a control

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room from an's Handscomb it brings

out the competitor.

You were saying

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that. Let's see yourself and Susan

getting ready to take on a life

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sized version of a computer game.

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You all look wonderful. I cannot

compliment you all enough. Who is

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going to win?

I'm more concerned

about all this water and the

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electronics around us, is it all

entirely safe?

I'm more concerned

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about the fact I look like a German

tennis player from the 80s!

LAUGHTER

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You are going to have to explain

what is going on?

It is a little

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confusing but basically they had

looked up computer to buckets...

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That's what I look like without my

clothes on, it's not a costume!

We

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never question that.

It involved me

having a team-mate, which is not

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great for me, it says on my school

reports, doesn't play well with

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others. I'm quite naturally

competitive person, it generally

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holds me back in life, you are quite

competitive.

I can be, yes. If you

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get the --

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in a situation where I am competing

with a friend... If you put me with

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Ed Byrne, we would fight over Bing.

Fozzie has played in a computer

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game.

I'm one of the few Muppets

that can play video games.

Because

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of your little pause.

Candy, isn't

it?

You play...

Fozzie the comedian

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is there.

No he's not, he's wearing

a necktie! Keep setting them up and

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I'll knock them down!

Thank you.

I

could just watch this for the rest

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of the show.

You two, it is not just

a panel -based show for you. You do

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actually play yourself, as well as

you?

I'm pretty bad, I play the same

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game every day for 18 months. But he

recently did something over

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Christmas with a computer game which

even for me felt odd.

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There was a new Nintendo machine out

it and I bought it because I was on

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tour. There was a Mario game and I

played and finished it, only when I

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had a four weeks did I tell my

children I'd bought it!

LAUGHTER

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Because otherwise we would have been

competing for attention and I wanted

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time to finish the game, OK? Don't

judge me, that's not bad at this is

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modern life and the way it slipped.

You will be back on tour next week,

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there will be a lot of downtime,

hotels, time spent on your own. Do

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you take your consul with you?

I do

sometimes. We finished the show at

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11 o'clock and you are awake and you

can't just wander round the streets

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of Birmingham at 11 o'clock at

night. Sometimes you sit and play a

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game instead.

Fair enough. The tour

is called voice of reason, what are

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you being the voice of the reason

about?

Nothing. The title is very

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old. I'm being angry at all sorts of

things. Sleep, Brexit dimension at

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some point. Who knows where I come

out on that...? And Edna is also

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things, and then, how I turned up...

Fake news at some point in the as,

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quite a big story about how I had a

totally fake news story. Loads of

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messing around. The show is never...

Fozzie, is never about anything,

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it's just funny?

Yeah, yeah, that's

what it's all about.

You could take

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Fozzie and tour.

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You can see Go eight Bit at 10pm

on Monday on Dave and Dara's tour

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also starts on Monday.

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-- on Thursday in Birmingham.

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Since it first burst

on to our screens in 1976,

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the Muppets have established a firm

place in the nation's heart.

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We know you're a fan Dara,

what was it about them

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that was so special?

0:14:210:14:23

I think it's just Mahna mahna...

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MUPPETS THEME TUNE

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Mahna mahna. O'Connor we are not

carrying an!

You are not alone in

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your love for Fozzie and his mates.

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MUPPETS THEME TUNE

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# Why do we always come here?

# I guess we'll never know

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# It's like a kind of torture

# To watch the show

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# And now we'll get things started

# It's time to get things started on

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the most inspirational...

# This is what we call the Muppet

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show.

# APPLAUSE

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I'm blown away. The production

values, better than our own show.

We

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don't mess about here. We don't mess

about. Thanks to all the viewers for

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their wonderful to be down the

national centre for circus arts

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helping out with that film.

What did

you think of that one?

I like the

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last number.

What did you like about

it?

It was the last number.

LAUGHTER

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Unfortunately for them it is not the

last number because we still have

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Rae Morris to look forward to. We

are going to talk about the Muppets

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now, Fozzie, you have a special

announcement?

It is true. This July,

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13th and 14th, the Muppets are doing

their first ever live pig show here

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in London. -- big show. At the O2.

I

only realised this today after a

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researcher told me this, but you are

coming home, the Muppet show

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originated in the UK?

It is true, we

did five seasons here, and we kept

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coming back. We loved it so much, we

did three films here, it is like a

0:17:090:17:16

second home for us.

I'm sure you'll

get a great welcome at the O2, but

0:17:160:17:21

what can be explored -- the audience

expect?

So much. Kermit is going to

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be the host, we will have special

guests and we will do new versions

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of things you saw on the original

Muppet show, like pigs in space.

I

0:17:330:17:38

love that.

That's an Area Hospital.

0:17:380:17:44

And there will be a full rock and

roll set with the Electric Mayhem,

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you know, with Animal. It will beat

a referee, and I will be there, of

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course, doing what I can promise --

it will be terrific. I will be doing

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my most recent... Jokes.

LAUGHTER

If you need any back-up, Dara could

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get involved.

I would love that, it

is such a great honour to be sharing

0:18:140:18:19

this catch with you. I'm wondering

how that will work after the show.

0:18:190:18:26

Are you going to take the sofa home

with you? And then ship it back to

0:18:260:18:31

me for weekends?

Let's not cut it in

half, that would be a bad thing. We

0:18:310:18:37

will always have this sofa.

Can you

save it for us? For when we are both

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on your show again at the same time?

We kind of needed on a day-to-day

0:18:460:18:52

basis, the sofa is pretty integral

to the whole show.

Does this show go

0:18:520:18:58

out again?

LAUGHTER

We know that you love Dara but we

0:18:580:19:03

have seen that you have shared the

stage with some amazing names over

0:19:030:19:07

the years and this is the one that

we went for, this is the clip.

John

0:19:070:19:13

Cleese, 15 seconds to curtain, Mr

John Cleese. It is no use

0:19:130:19:22

struggling, you can't leave until

you have done the show.

LAUGHTER

0:19:220:19:25

APPLAUSE

Is he here?

Not today.

He's really

0:19:250:19:33

my favourite. No offence.

It's going

to get awkward now. Fozzie, guests

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only appeared on the show once?

Yes,

not because we didn't ask them back.

0:19:420:19:49

But we didn't have any takers.

We

have had that, as well, it's not

0:19:490:19:54

just the Muppet show.

0:19:540:19:58

The Muppets will be at the O2

in London on 13th and 14th July

0:19:580:20:01

and tickets go on sale on Wednesday.

0:20:010:20:03

It's time to welcome our third

comedian to tonight's party -

0:20:030:20:06

Zoe Lyons.

0:20:060:20:08

Who, Dara, you've shared

a stage with in the past.

0:20:080:20:10

Tonight Zoe's taking Christine

to a place where she spent

0:20:100:20:13

many-a-happy family holiday.

0:20:130:20:14

Dara, do you remember your

first family holiday?

0:20:140:20:18

Trips to beaches in Ireland that I'm

sure were lovely and rainy. I

0:20:180:20:24

remember picnics in cars. That was a

big thing.

In the rain, yes.

0:20:240:20:31

Occasionally a bigoted, but that was

a rare thing, to do a big trip. --

0:20:310:20:36

occasionally a big trip.

Where we

shall first big trip? -- where was

0:20:360:20:42

your.

I was seven and we went to

America, and it was a big thing,

0:20:420:20:49

when I came home, I was the boy who

went to America.

I was the bear who

0:20:490:20:55

went to America, I know how that

feels.

0:20:550:20:58

Well, Zoe has taken Christine off

to somewhere a bit closer to home.

0:20:580:21:05

These are the beautiful Grampian

Mountains in Aberdeenshire and it

0:21:050:21:10

really is grass -- brass monkey

whether Bobby Cole did not stop this

0:21:100:21:17

from being the favourite horde of

one Britain's favourite

0:21:170:21:27

one Britain's favourite comics --

but the cold weather did not stop.

0:21:280:21:31

Zoe Lyon Performs all over the

world. I am eating her with her

0:21:310:21:37

wife, Cindy. -- meeting her. This is

your old stomping ground?

Yes, I

0:21:370:21:45

used to come here when I was a kid.

She now lives in France, but she has

0:21:450:21:53

brought along her wife to share her

mounted memories. -- Mountains

0:21:530:21:58

memories.

Skiing is tricky in

Scotland but in Holland it is a near

0:21:580:22:06

impossibility.

The outdoor life

brought Zoe and her brother here,

0:22:060:22:15

after her parents separated.

I'm

very grateful to have been brought

0:22:150:22:21

here because this has helped to

shape our character.

Simon and

0:22:210:22:26

Garfunkel fan dad you all the best

places to stay. -- you all.

0:22:260:22:33

I'm still having the top bunk, we

are not arguing about that.

This is

0:22:360:22:42

the very hostel they stayed at 30

years ago. Remember this?

Yes, you

0:22:420:22:48

would sit here with your one pot

dinner you had made in the kitchen.

0:22:480:22:51

It always had beans, no matter what

you had. Please wash up and put it

0:22:510:22:58

away. I do like a notice board in a

youth hostel. What ever you do,

0:22:580:23:08

whatever you do, don't think about

it. Let's have a look around here.

0:23:080:23:17

There are a lot of bunk beds in

here. My brother and I, we always

0:23:170:23:22

argued about who got the top bunk

and I usually won because I was

0:23:220:23:27

slightly bigger than him. I

pulverised him. Not any more!

Who

0:23:270:23:37

have the got here?

This is me and my

brother skiing.

All dressed up.

Yes,

0:23:370:23:47

in his knitted balaclava and I

remember him taking it off and it

0:23:470:23:51

stood up like an independent being.

It was frozen solid. Skiing in

0:23:510:23:57

Scotland is the only place where

I've been blown up a hill.

It was in

0:23:570:24:02

a very sociable melting pot where

she developed her unique comic

0:24:020:24:06

talent.

She still makes me laugh

after 22 years.

Which is quite

0:24:060:24:13

something because she is Dutch and

by not known for their sense of

0:24:130:24:16

humour! -- they are not.

What she

liked as a person? -- like.

She's

0:24:160:24:26

very warm, she is my soul mate.

0:24:260:24:29

Just be careful, both of you.

It is

non-competitive, remember.

0:24:340:24:42

It is non-competitive, remember.

0:24:420:24:43

When you get the combination of the

sun shining and the snow in

0:24:470:24:50

Scotland, there's nowhere to beat

it. Well done.

Oh!

I never expected

0:24:500:25:03

anything like this in Scotland after

all the stories I heard from the

0:25:030:25:06

past. This is brilliant.

I've had

the best day. I've often said, if I

0:25:060:25:16

wasn't a stand-up comic, I would

like to be a forest ranger. But that

0:25:160:25:19

is hard work, isn't it? You can't

get away with 20 minutes a day in

0:25:190:25:26

that job, can you?

Thanks so much to

Christine and Zoe and Cindy. Have

0:25:260:25:39

you picked up any tips from each

other?

Yes, what have you learned?

0:25:390:25:45

Even if the joke isn't that funny,

do a big wave of your hands and do

0:25:450:25:52

this.

Are you going to continue this

friendship?

Absolutely, we are

0:25:520:25:59

touring together next year.

0:25:590:26:03

Thanks to Dara and Fozzie

for lots of laughs this evening.

0:26:030:26:05

Dara's Go 8 Bit

is on Monday on Dave.

0:26:050:26:08

And The Muppets will be

on stage in London at the 02

0:26:080:26:10

on the 13th and 14th of July.

0:26:100:26:12

Thanks to you, too, Dev.

0:26:120:26:13

Matt and I will be here on Monday

when we'll be chatting

0:26:130:26:16

to Lizzie Yarnold and some

of the other stars from

0:26:160:26:19

the Winter Olympics.

0:26:190:26:22

But now performing the title

track from her album

0:26:220:26:24

Someone Out There - it's Rae Morris.

0:26:240:26:27

# Somewhere out there loves you

0:26:270:26:35

Animal, stop! I'm so sorry, but I

brought my own drama. -- drummer.

0:26:390:26:49

I'm so sorry.

Sorry!

OK, guys, shall

we take it from the top?

0:26:490:26:58

# Somewhere out there loves you

0:26:580:27:05

# Someone out there is lonely, too

0:27:050:27:10

# They may not know it

0:27:100:27:13

# They may be trying to tell you

0:27:130:27:17

# And you may not know till

you pass on the street

0:27:170:27:20

# Your heads turn, your eyes lock

and you feel complete

0:27:200:27:25

# Someone out there loves you

0:27:250:27:32

# When the world's got you down

0:27:320:27:36

# And there's no end in sight

0:27:360:27:39

# Do you give up?

0:27:390:27:42

# Keep your eyes shut?

0:27:420:27:46

# When the days are drawn out

0:27:460:27:50

# Feels like nothing

is going your way

0:27:500:27:53

# Do you give up?

0:27:530:27:57

# Keep your eyes shut?

0:27:570:28:03

# You can rest assured

you're not the only one

0:28:030:28:11

# Someone out there loves you

0:28:140:28:18

# Someone out there is lonely too

0:28:180:28:21

# They may not know it

0:28:210:28:25

# They may be trying to tell you

0:28:250:28:29

# And you may not know till

you pass on the street

0:28:290:28:32

# Your heads turn, your eyes lock

and you feel complete

0:28:320:28:38

# Someone out there loves you

0:28:380:28:44

# Someone out there loves you

0:28:440:28:52

# You can rest assured

you're not the only one #.

0:28:530:29:22

Stand-up comedians Dara O Briain and Fozzie Bear from the Muppets join Alex Jones and Dev Griffin to try and out-joke each other on the green sofas. Plus there's music from Rae Morris, who is accompanied by a very special drummer for one night only - clue: he's a muppet.