23/02/2018 The One Show

Hello and welcome to The One Show

with me Alex Jones,

and Radio One's Dev Griffin.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks Alex -

super excited to be here as one

of my favourite artists will be

performing for us later

in the show -

It's Rae Morris!

Looking forward to that.

Also joining us this evening not

one, but two stand up comedians -

both snappy dressers...

Both hilarious.

Yeah.

But one is much hairier

than the other -

It's Fozzie Bear and Dara O'Briain!

Welcome, both! Now then, Fozzie

Bear. You are the resident comedian

at The Muppets but one would -- some

would say you lack comedic skills. I

know, I know.

Some would say that.

Is it a fair assessment?

It probably

is but I will let you know I hold

the biggest collection of whoopee

cushions in the western Hamas there.

There is nothing funnier.

Who would

you say harshest critics?

That's

pretty easy, the guys in the

balcony, Statler and Waldorf. They

might not like my act but they show

up for every performance!

LAUGHTER

Yes, yes.

Let's find out what

Statler and Waldorf think of this

show so far.

Wake me when the show

starts.

It's already be on a while!

Wake me when it's over!

LAUGHTER

That is rude, barely even started.

Statler reminds me of someone, Dara.

I don't know if you can see the

resemblance here.

Come on! That is

harsh.

I said that was harsh, too

harsh.

Yes.

It is harsh, but you

know what? It's kind of true!

LAUGHTER

From you I expected more.

I'm sorry,

I'm sorry.

Are you a fan of The

Muppets, Dara?

I adore The Muppets.

I've got nothing to say, I will just

sit here with my guru, my icon, this

is my career inspiration, Fozzie

Bear here. Stop it! Genuinely. This

is a proud...

You are making me

blush.

We read notes that Fozzie is

your second favourite Muppet.

One

does not pick favourites! I can list

them... Gonzo, Animal... Gonzo is

kind of my favourite. With you.

I

like you, I like you a lot.

That

might be other people you like more,

I'm OK with that! Gonzo is great!

LAUGHTER

And also meet up.

I love them all.

First off we're talking

manners tonight.

Dara are you a stickler for good

manners from your kids?

Yes, I think people should be polite

and have good manners.

You will like

this next film then, right up your

street.

Far from fading into the history

books, etiquette schools are going

strong in the UK. Good morning

everybody. And it's not just adults

taking classes, children are also

mastering the arts of

sophistication. But are these

classes of any relevance to the

average British army? The One Show

is conducting an etiquette

experiment to find out. -- to the

average British family. William is

one of the leading etiquette coaches

in the country.

Good etiquette is

important because it is the sign of

a civilised society. Without

etiquette, we would be a pretty rude

bunch. As much of a Pelissie and is

hackneyed as it is, manners do cost

nothing.

Most would agree manners

have a place in society, but should

children London in classes or at

home? We have brought a group to

Bisham Abbey where a coach will

teach them the basic.

We will start

straightaway talking about manners.

Their parents will be watching next

door, but do they think it will be

of any benefit to them or their

children?

Kids nowadays sit around a

table thinking it's OK to watch

their iPad, look at their phones so

I think a class like this is

fantastic.

We all know we are having

issues now with behaviour with young

ones, and for someone to sort of

pick up and that is really great.

But not all of the parents are so

convinced.

I believe manners and

etiquette and things should come

down from the parents, you should

teach them by example.

I'm hoping

they won't learn anything new from

today's classes but perhaps it will

reinforce a few things.

Opinions

then are divided and Belinda has

just an hour with the children. Not

long to change the minds of

sceptical parents. First on the

agenda, what manners mean.

Absolutely top of that class, quote

of the class, putting others before

yourself. How many of you ever write

a little thank you note? Wow. I am

impressed!

I put my arms on the

table at dinner time. My brother

points at me.

Get your elbows off

the table!

I don't understand why...

I will tell you why, because it is

much better for your posture.

Remember that, and elbows off the

table now please.

Thank you. Next

up, its phones and tablets.

Why are

you on your phone is so much, is it

that you are talking to your friends

at school?

Grace had a phone for the

last few months and any opportunity,

she will be on her phone, so it has

made a difference in the way we

interact as a family.

Now these

children are just looking at a

tablet or playing games on them and

they are no longer in touch with the

rest of the family.

But where are

the children picking up these

habits? Perhaps the apple doesn't

fall far from the tree.

Recently my

dad has been on Facebook a lot and

he's not been playing with me as

much as he used to.

Every time my

dad comes from work, the first thing

he does is go on his iPad. I try to

get him off it but he tells me he is

looking at things for work when he

is really on Facebook and everything

talking to his friends.

Whenever I

go to sleep and I'm with my dad, he

always plays this game. Whenever I

feel scared, he just carries on and

he just pokes into the phone.

Does

he? So you are annoyed with him now,

aren't you? Well if I see him

afterwards, I might tell him off.

So has today's experiment change the

minds of any of our parents?

I

thought F Peter Coates was just

things like napkins, glasses and

what cutlery and crockery to use but

there is a lot more to it than that.

The kids learned from our actions.

It is nice to see what Siobhan's

opinions well.

I have to focus on

what he likes and stop playing with

the gadgets!

Children today are criticised. We

all think they use mobiles, tablets

and the Internet to access, but

today has illustrated that we need

to take a harsh look at ourselves,

not just them.

Fascinating.

Very true.

What did you

think of that, Fozzie?

LAUGHTER

Right, right...

This is not good

etiquette, you need to get off that

phone.

Oh, we are back and look, I

didn't know! I'm sorry, so sorry!

Fozzie. Fozzie and I are working

together.

Are you?

Yes. Fozzie, why

should you never tell a joke at the

Winter Olympics?

Because the ice

might crack up!

Now, the thing is,

you two have worked together.

We

have.

You have done it already on Go

8 Bit, the new

This is based on classic video

games, a panel show based on classic

video games, how does it work?

Basically we are tapping into the

fact it is fun to sit on the couch

with your friends playing video

games and trash talk each other,

that's essentially what we do. We

bring and the people that are most

likely to do trash talk, which is

comics, and they compete and donkey

Kong, Pac man or modern VR games we

had you doing or vintage games. We

put them in silly costumes and make

them do ludicrous things in the love

of just playing games.

Quite an

important question... Why is I1 of

the best contestants to take part?

Tell me at least I was better than

Susan Calman.

I can't give away the

ending! Lets just say in the grand

scheme of things, no. Some people

take it really, really seriously.

Our classic episode was -- Susan

Calman against David Jones. They

went straight to shark eyes. Like

she was when she was doing the

dancing on him as a professional

footballer, that came right at each

other and it was glorious to watch.

Susan didn't bother using the threat

at all!

So wrong!

You put a control

room from an's Handscomb it brings

out the competitor.

You were saying

that. Let's see yourself and Susan

getting ready to take on a life

sized version of a computer game.

You all look wonderful. I cannot

compliment you all enough. Who is

going to win?

I'm more concerned

about all this water and the

electronics around us, is it all

entirely safe?

I'm more concerned

about the fact I look like a German

tennis player from the 80s!

LAUGHTER

You are going to have to explain

what is going on?

It is a little

confusing but basically they had

looked up computer to buckets...

That's what I look like without my

clothes on, it's not a costume!

We

never question that.

It involved me

having a team-mate, which is not

great for me, it says on my school

reports, doesn't play well with

others. I'm quite naturally

competitive person, it generally

holds me back in life, you are quite

competitive.

I can be, yes. If you

get the --

in a situation where I am competing

with a friend... If you put me with

Ed Byrne, we would fight over Bing.

Fozzie has played in a computer

game.

I'm one of the few Muppets

that can play video games.

Because

of your little pause.

Candy, isn't

it?

You play...

Fozzie the comedian

is there.

No he's not, he's wearing

a necktie! Keep setting them up and

I'll knock them down!

Thank you.

I

could just watch this for the rest

of the show.

You two, it is not just

a panel -based show for you. You do

actually play yourself, as well as

you?

I'm pretty bad, I play the same

game every day for 18 months. But he

recently did something over

Christmas with a computer game which

even for me felt odd.

There was a new Nintendo machine out

it and I bought it because I was on

tour. There was a Mario game and I

played and finished it, only when I

had a four weeks did I tell my

children I'd bought it!

LAUGHTER

Because otherwise we would have been

competing for attention and I wanted

time to finish the game, OK? Don't

judge me, that's not bad at this is

modern life and the way it slipped.

You will be back on tour next week,

there will be a lot of downtime,

hotels, time spent on your own. Do

you take your consul with you?

I do

sometimes. We finished the show at

11 o'clock and you are awake and you

can't just wander round the streets

of Birmingham at 11 o'clock at

night. Sometimes you sit and play a

game instead.

Fair enough. The tour

is called voice of reason, what are

you being the voice of the reason

about?

Nothing. The title is very

old. I'm being angry at all sorts of

things. Sleep, Brexit dimension at

some point. Who knows where I come

out on that...? And Edna is also

things, and then, how I turned up...

Fake news at some point in the as,

quite a big story about how I had a

totally fake news story. Loads of

messing around. The show is never...

Fozzie, is never about anything,

it's just funny?

Yeah, yeah, that's

what it's all about.

You could take

Fozzie and tour.

You can see Go eight Bit at 10pm

on Monday on Dave and Dara's tour

also starts on Monday.

-- on Thursday in Birmingham.

Since it first burst

on to our screens in 1976,

the Muppets have established a firm

place in the nation's heart.

We know you're a fan Dara,

what was it about them

that was so special?

I think it's just Mahna mahna...

MUPPETS THEME TUNE

Mahna mahna. O'Connor we are not

carrying an!

You are not alone in

your love for Fozzie and his mates.

MUPPETS THEME TUNE

# Why do we always come here?

# I guess we'll never know

# It's like a kind of torture

# To watch the show

# And now we'll get things started

# It's time to get things started on

the most inspirational...

# This is what we call the Muppet

show.

# APPLAUSE

I'm blown away. The production

values, better than our own show.

We

don't mess about here. We don't mess

about. Thanks to all the viewers for

their wonderful to be down the

national centre for circus arts

helping out with that film.

What did

you think of that one?

I like the

last number.

What did you like about

it?

It was the last number.

LAUGHTER

Unfortunately for them it is not the

last number because we still have

Rae Morris to look forward to. We

are going to talk about the Muppets

now, Fozzie, you have a special

announcement?

It is true. This July,

13th and 14th, the Muppets are doing

their first ever live pig show here

in London. -- big show. At the O2.

I

only realised this today after a

researcher told me this, but you are

coming home, the Muppet show

originated in the UK?

It is true, we

did five seasons here, and we kept

coming back. We loved it so much, we

did three films here, it is like a

second home for us.

I'm sure you'll

get a great welcome at the O2, but

what can be explored -- the audience

expect?

So much. Kermit is going to

be the host, we will have special

guests and we will do new versions

of things you saw on the original

Muppet show, like pigs in space.

I

love that.

That's an Area Hospital.

And there will be a full rock and

roll set with the Electric Mayhem,

you know, with Animal. It will beat

a referee, and I will be there, of

course, doing what I can promise --

it will be terrific. I will be doing

my most recent... Jokes.

LAUGHTER

If you need any back-up, Dara could

get involved.

I would love that, it

is such a great honour to be sharing

this catch with you. I'm wondering

how that will work after the show.

Are you going to take the sofa home

with you? And then ship it back to

me for weekends?

Let's not cut it in

half, that would be a bad thing. We

will always have this sofa.

Can you

save it for us? For when we are both

on your show again at the same time?

We kind of needed on a day-to-day

basis, the sofa is pretty integral

to the whole show.

Does this show go

out again?

LAUGHTER

We know that you love Dara but we

have seen that you have shared the

stage with some amazing names over

the years and this is the one that

we went for, this is the clip.

John

Cleese, 15 seconds to curtain, Mr

John Cleese. It is no use

struggling, you can't leave until

you have done the show.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Is he here?

Not today.

He's really

my favourite. No offence.

It's going

to get awkward now. Fozzie, guests

only appeared on the show once?

Yes,

not because we didn't ask them back.

But we didn't have any takers.

We

have had that, as well, it's not

just the Muppet show.

The Muppets will be at the O2

in London on 13th and 14th July

and tickets go on sale on Wednesday.

It's time to welcome our third

comedian to tonight's party -

Zoe Lyons.

Who, Dara, you've shared

a stage with in the past.

Tonight Zoe's taking Christine

to a place where she spent

many-a-happy family holiday.

Dara, do you remember your

first family holiday?

Trips to beaches in Ireland that I'm

sure were lovely and rainy. I

remember picnics in cars. That was a

big thing.

In the rain, yes.

Occasionally a bigoted, but that was

a rare thing, to do a big trip. --

occasionally a big trip.

Where we

shall first big trip? -- where was

your.

I was seven and we went to

America, and it was a big thing,

when I came home, I was the boy who

went to America.

I was the bear who

went to America, I know how that

feels.

Well, Zoe has taken Christine off

to somewhere a bit closer to home.

These are the beautiful Grampian

Mountains in Aberdeenshire and it

really is grass -- brass monkey

whether Bobby Cole did not stop this

from being the favourite horde of

one Britain's favourite

one Britain's favourite comics --

but the cold weather did not stop.

Zoe Lyon Performs all over the

world. I am eating her with her

wife, Cindy. -- meeting her. This is

your old stomping ground?

Yes, I

used to come here when I was a kid.

She now lives in France, but she has

brought along her wife to share her

mounted memories. -- Mountains

memories.

Skiing is tricky in

Scotland but in Holland it is a near

impossibility.

The outdoor life

brought Zoe and her brother here,

after her parents separated.

I'm

very grateful to have been brought

here because this has helped to

shape our character.

Simon and

Garfunkel fan dad you all the best

places to stay. -- you all.

I'm still having the top bunk, we

are not arguing about that.

This is

the very hostel they stayed at 30

years ago. Remember this?

Yes, you

would sit here with your one pot

dinner you had made in the kitchen.

It always had beans, no matter what

you had. Please wash up and put it

away. I do like a notice board in a

youth hostel. What ever you do,

whatever you do, don't think about

it. Let's have a look around here.

There are a lot of bunk beds in

here. My brother and I, we always

argued about who got the top bunk

and I usually won because I was

slightly bigger than him. I

pulverised him. Not any more!

Who

have the got here?

This is me and my

brother skiing.

All dressed up.

Yes,

in his knitted balaclava and I

remember him taking it off and it

stood up like an independent being.

It was frozen solid. Skiing in

Scotland is the only place where

I've been blown up a hill.

It was in

a very sociable melting pot where

she developed her unique comic

talent.

She still makes me laugh

after 22 years.

Which is quite

something because she is Dutch and

by not known for their sense of

humour! -- they are not.

What she

liked as a person? -- like.

She's

very warm, she is my soul mate.

Just be careful, both of you.

It is

non-competitive, remember.

It is non-competitive, remember.

When you get the combination of the

sun shining and the snow in

Scotland, there's nowhere to beat

it. Well done.

Oh!

I never expected

anything like this in Scotland after

all the stories I heard from the

past. This is brilliant.

I've had

the best day. I've often said, if I

wasn't a stand-up comic, I would

like to be a forest ranger. But that

is hard work, isn't it? You can't

get away with 20 minutes a day in

that job, can you?

Thanks so much to

Christine and Zoe and Cindy. Have

you picked up any tips from each

other?

Yes, what have you learned?

Even if the joke isn't that funny,

do a big wave of your hands and do

this.

Are you going to continue this

friendship?

Absolutely, we are

touring together next year.

Thanks to Dara and Fozzie

for lots of laughs this evening.

Dara's Go 8 Bit

is on Monday on Dave.

And The Muppets will be

on stage in London at the 02

on the 13th and 14th of July.

Thanks to you, too, Dev.

Matt and I will be here on Monday

when we'll be chatting

to Lizzie Yarnold and some

of the other stars from

the Winter Olympics.

But now performing the title

track from her album

Someone Out There - it's Rae Morris.

# Somewhere out there loves you

Animal, stop! I'm so sorry, but I

brought my own drama. -- drummer.

I'm so sorry.

Sorry!

OK, guys, shall

we take it from the top?

# Somewhere out there loves you

# Someone out there is lonely, too

# They may not know it

# They may be trying to tell you

# And you may not know till

you pass on the street

# Your heads turn, your eyes lock

and you feel complete

# Someone out there loves you

# When the world's got you down

# And there's no end in sight

# Do you give up?

# Keep your eyes shut?

# When the days are drawn out

# Feels like nothing

is going your way

# Do you give up?

# Keep your eyes shut?

# You can rest assured

you're not the only one

# Someone out there loves you

# Someone out there is lonely too

# They may not know it

# They may be trying to tell you

# And you may not know till

you pass on the street

# Your heads turn, your eyes lock

and you feel complete

# Someone out there loves you

# Someone out there loves you

# You can rest assured

you're not the only one #.