24/08/2016 The One Show

Hello and welcome to The One Show, we are live from the Edinburgh

Festival, with Alex Jones. And Patrick Kielty. It is the biggest

arts festival in the world, 50,000 shows and half a million visitors,

is there anywhere better? The sun is shining, we are not coming home!

That is it! Over the next three days we will be here in the BBC Festival.

We have some of the best acts in the world, and the best audience in the

world. Definitely. And look at this. We have one of the best views in the

world. Check this out. It is a perfect spot. I am pretending this

gym is water! We are surrounded by very funny people,... Not at the

moment! But few funnier than this man.

Two Choc ices, please. It is Fletcher. That's right. Norman

Stanley. 2- to- 32. Next of kin. My bill of. She is not so little. I

said, I shall never get over you, I will have to go around.

That was 40 years ago, can you believe it is back? We have the star

of the remake, the man of the moment, Kevin Bishop. Nice to see

you. Nice to be here. Thanks for popping in. It is the loveliest day

in Edinburgh I have ever experienced. It was the hottest I

have ever been in Scotland earlier. It is the second hottest I have been

in Scotland. The Commonwealth Games were really hot. You are hot in the

showbiz sense, you have your big premiere tonight. How are you

feeling? I am nervous, I want people to see it and enjoy it, but I am

excited. It is a big deal. It is a big deal for me. It is my favourite

sitcom of all time. To be part of it is exciting. We will find out about

it later, the premiere in 25 minutes, hold your nerve. We have

the First Minister Nicola Sturgeon joining us later, and music. Stay

tuned for that. It is exciting. It is the final week in Edinburgh, they

give out the awards. The best jokes. They have just said what the best

joke is which we will tell you about later. We thought we do our

favourites. Kevin, what would be yours? My favourite one-liner? When

sugar is thinking of names for Del Boy's baby, he says, if it's a girl,

name it sick or in a after the actress, and if it is a boy, College

Rodney, after Dave. Luckily, we are out of time for hours! Three Bears

in the airing cupboard, which one is in the Army? The one on the tank.

What do you mean? Come on, Edinburgh! As you can see, the

one-liner is sometimes easy, sometimes it is not, so we sent's we

set out to find the secret of the perfect one-liner.

Hello. You probably noticed there is something different about me. It is

the haircut. Or perhaps it is my walk. Or maybe it is the fact that I

am talking to you through an iPad. I started out in a disabled tribute

band for Steps. We were called Ramps. Nothing wrecks the ice like a

good one-liner. I might not be able to speak, but a quick joke reassures

the audience that somebody with cerebral palsy can be funny. Even if

I sound like a posh RoboCop. But what makes the perfect one-liner? Is

that two ships I can see or just the one-liner? How many men does it take

to tile a bathroom? One, if you slice him very thinly. Why does the

one-liner have more longevity than road runner on Red Bull? Darron

Rahlves, last year's winner of the funniest joke of the Edinburgh

Fringe, offers his take. Why do you think the one-liner is so appealing?

I have a short concentration span, I think it appeals to audiences who

also have a short concentration span. I was at the estate agent,

dated what know what the abbreviation for apartment was, I

thought, that is apt. At the very least, I would say you are on a

roll. He is trying to get a rise out of me! They are word puzzles that

you don't want to make too difficult or too easy. What social night's

social networking site to chickens used? Face-buck-buck. I am a

comedian, it would be cruel not to laugh at me. Would you like to help

me come up with a new one-liner for my show? Absolutely. What kind of

joke? Something about Edinburgh being inaccessible. Have you visited

as a tourist? I went to the castle, but I did not get very far. I just

stood there the in thought. That is good. You could start shouting the

word castles and claim you had Tourette's. The least they could do

is install railing that go into your venue. You might be on the right

track. It is rail-ly good. The unveiling of a new joke. But they

laugh or throw things? There is only one way to find out. I do realise

that it is ironic that a disabled comedian is playing one of the most

inaccessible cities in the world. Last year I applied to Edinburgh

Council to get a stair lift fitted, but they just could not escalated.

It is edgy and funny. I enjoyed the one-liner jokes, I appreciate

wordplay. I am blind, and so I empathise with a lot of the

situations he was talking about, very funny. All that is left for me

to do now is Basque in my glory and hope that Darren was not expecting a

new -- any writer's these. Those are the jokes we could

broadcast, you have to see him live. He was on the red button last year,

fantastic. It should be behind the red button, I would say, some of

those jokes. We have to talk Porridge, why should we tune in? It

is the same writers, most importantly. But it is a reboot. It

is not a remake, it is contemporary, the modern-day. I play Fletcher's

grandson. It is not trying to be Fletcher, it is a relation? That

would be a bad idea. We saw a funny clip with Wally Barker. The tumour

was acceptable in the 70s. I do having to go all PC? We live in PC

times. We have had to adapt it a bit. But we don't feel like we have

sacrificed much. There are a key changes, we have a clip here. The

yoga mat. I don't think we had them in the 70s.

Yoga, Fletcher? Yes, it is all the rage. I bet you have noticed a drop

in aggro and mayhem. I do it all the time. Do a dog. I beg your pardon?

Basic yoga move, Fletcher. Downward dog.

It is his grandson, but there are similarities in the way you play the

character, slightly. It skips a generation. My dad is straightlaced

and boring. We felt it skips a generation. It has missed him but it

has landed on me. Ronnie Barker was your hero, these are big shoes to

fill, how did you feel when you got the call? Weight you excited or

nervous? I thought it was a mistake. I was nervous. I still am. I thought

it would be a terrible idea, but when they said it was the original

writers, I thought, if you like Porridge, the chances are you will

like this. We are only good as the lines we get. The writing is still

brilliant. He looked very at home in jail. There is an air of a wrong

one. It is important to get the twinkle across. We wanted to have

that twinkle. He is the guy that everybody looks to, the cookie's

nest, that people are looking for, to get them out. They wanted to have

that. Is it true you were one of the only kids sucked from Grange Hill

for misbehaving? -- sacked? How? My mum is so proud! I am the only

person to be expelled from a fictional school! What had you done?

I was very naughty. I had a lot of energy, we did not have a lot of

room will stop we had to behave and be professional, and I was under. We

will let you go now. The screening is happening in 20 minutes. Nervous

about the reaction? No, I am looking forward to everybody seeing it. We

look forward to seeing it. Thank you.

Porridge is part of the BBC's sitcom series, going out at 9:30pm on BBC

One. We also have Are You Being Served, which we will talk about on

Friday. I'm free. We have put Jack Docherty for tomorrow. This is

awkward! We will have the First Minister Nicola Sturgeon in a

second. But first, we are going over to one of our favourite poets, she

has written a piece especially for The One Show.

I was born in Edinburgh in 1961. I was adopted and brought up in

Bishopbriggs, just outside Glasgow. I love the buzz of Glasgow, I was

often taken to the theatre, to poetry readings. When I was a girl,

I never stop talking. Writing poetry is a way of talking to yourself on

the page, you create characters and other voices, and that came from

being in an enthusiastic family that communicated. My mum and dad were

great hikers and hill walkers. At the weekend they would come and we

had a lot of time exploring woods and wide-open spaces. My mum and dad

loved being out and about, they love their holidays. When they first met,

my dad said to my mum, what do you want? Do you want a rucksack or a

wedding ring? We have not got the money for both! My mum said, I would

like a rucksack, please. Five years later she bought her own wedding

ring. My dad with his friends, they came in September, and they stayed

in a croft. My dad called at a magnificent DOS. He would tell me

stories. These grown men reading poems to each other, I loved that,

because they were quite match oh, and I love the idea of them loving

poetry. By the time they came into the landscape, it was already a

story. When The One Show asked me to pick my favourite place in Scotland,

I picked here, not just for the times I have been here myself, but

for all of the stories I have heard about from my dad, who loved this

place since he was a boy of 14, and he is now 91. I thought, this land

has held our family over the years, and it will hold our family when we

are gone. This is my poem. Back here, the iron

line crosses the future past, my father will surely be seen, tracking

the sodden and lonely land, weekenders together are trudging

through the ancient pinewoods, the strong smell of red deer. My father,

here on the moor, years and years after his garden, big hikes across

time, September weekend or Easter, far-flung. On the west side, to the

old crofter's burnt out Croft, still magnificent DOS and he will doss

there. He will rest, rest, till finally refreshed, Granollers more,

beloved place, the best, the best back here. Was in a beautiful?

Beautiful. A round of applause for Jackie Kay. We are joined by one of

Jackie Kay's biggest fans, First Minister of Scotland Nicola Sturgeon

is here. CHEERING Lovely to see you. Glad to be here.

Probably the best supported politician in the whole world. You

are sort of the Queen of the Edinburgh Festival now. I think that

is stretching it a little bit. I think you are, do you have a special

backstage pass which can get you everywhere? I wish I did, a

backstage pass and get to go to much more of the festival and The Fringe.

It is brilliant, Edinburgh is absolutely buzzing. The weather,

people tell you it's not always like this in Scotland, it is always like

this in Scotland! The sun always shines, don't let

anyone tell you otherwise. You have some of the best writers here at the

festival showcasing their work. You are all about getting Scottish

children reading at the moment with this new initiative. Schemes like

this up and down the country. What is your scheme and how does it work?

Only set a challenge, the First Minister's challenge. We have

experts compiling a long list of children's books, some classics,

modern books and challenging kids in primary schools to read as many as

they can and then write book reviews and we will give prizes to children

and schools. It is really about trying to get kids enthusiastic

about reading. What motivated me to do it if I remember how much

enjoyment I got from reading books when I was young and so many happy

memories. Is it true on your 15th birthday you hid under the

table and missed your party because you are reading a book? I was a bit

of an anti-social child. My mum threw a party for me. I was five

years old and everyone else is playing ring ring of roses. I was

under the table reading a book and refusing to come out. I have got

better at socialising with people since then but some times I would

still rather be under the table reading. Your favourite book? The

book I chose and it was tough, was Enid Blyton, five treasure Island.

Some said you shouldn't encourage kids to read the famous five any

more because they are old-fashioned but they are classics, you wouldn't

say that about Jane Austen, don't read it because it is old-fashioned!

I loved that, the adventure, losing yourself in the story. Kids these

days, so many more distractions but we should encourage them what it's

like to get lost in the beauty and magic of a story. What you are

saying is forget about Pokemon go and get yourself a book? I'm not

sure how that would go down with My nephews, but you can do Pokemon go

but try reading as well. We're not going to get kids to give up their

tablets and phones and everything but there are other things to do.

Turning it into a competition is a brilliant idea. You can read on your

iPad or your phone as well. It is different these days but the magic

of reading a book will never be lost, hopefully. Here at the

festival, loads of comedians, loads of Scottish comedian, who is your

favourite here at the Festival? My favourite comedian is Kevin bridges.

I've been listening to him here. I am looking to the reboot of

Porridge. I am just about old enough to remember Porridge the last time

round. Behave yourself, you are the same age as me, you remember it from

the first time round! I am allowed to spin the truth! I thought you

were much older than me, there's no way we are the same age! And he's

off! Welcome to Scotland. Can we put you on the spot and asking for your

favourite joke? How do you make lady Gaga cry? Poke her face. Nicola

Sturgeon will be appearing at the assembly rooms with her stand-up

show poke her face. We were talking earlier about the winner, we have it

here, it is, my dad has suggested I register for a donor card, he's a

man after my own heart! Very good. Delivery? It was all right, was a

neck? It was all right. So far we've had average comedy. We've had early

poetry. I think we probably need better than average music. Lets have

a go, here is Cerys and a funky floor show which was anything but

average. Back in 1975 picked up the pieces by the average White band

became a number one hit in America. And it went on to become an all-time

funk classic, with an unusual twist. You might be surprised to learn that

the Average White Band were a white band from Dundee, so how did they

get into funk and create one of the biggest hits of the 90s? To get the

inside story I've come to London's Denmark Street, the spiritual home

of Britain's music industry, where I am meeting up with two of the

original band members. Hi, how are you doing, thank you for meeting me

today. Why have you brought me to Denmark Street in the glorious

British weather? Well, this is where it all started for all of us after

we gravitated from Scotland one by one. It was like the Noah 's Ark of

the music business. Regent sounds sells guitars today, but as you can

see from the original sign, it used to be a recording studio and is

where the band recorded some of their first tracks together. The

door was about here into the studio. What was on the wall? The stuff that

was on the wall was pretty much like that. What does it feel like to come

back again? Kind of sentimental. Lots of big names recorded here, but

what fascinates me is at a time when rock was all the rage, this band

wanted to play soul music. It was against the grain. We didn't mean it

to be against the grain, it's just the common language among our

musicians was the love of soul. 60s soul. Traditional R and blues. Did

you have the intention to make people dance? Yes, soul music was

Scotland's dance music. Inspired by American soul music the band had

their sound, but how did they hit upon such an unusual name for the

group? A fellow called Rob was a friend of ours. He was one of these

guys who play kept coming up with phrases that was one of them. He

just came back from Kampala and he's at it is too hot for the average

white man in Kampala. We were using the phrase all the time and my

girlfriend who became my wife said why do you call yourselves The

Average White Band? They hit the big-time when their album and single

pick up the pieces went another one in America. They picked up pick up

the pieces but also had the single as a white cover, no photograph.

They assumed we were black, so they played it. Did their idea for the

chart topper start with a guitar riff? The original idea came from

Hamish Stuart. Hamish came out with that at the end

of rehearsal and Roger Dummett the sax player that it was interesting

and wrote it down. He took it home and then brought it back with it

built around the wrist. Everyone else pieced in their parts after

that. It is very James Brown. We meant it to be a tribute to James

Brown. Did James Brown get to hear the track? Yes. He replied, he wrote

and put out picking up the pieces one by one by the Black Average

Band. 40 years later and The Average White Band are still packing them in

and they invited me to see them play. The track is still wowing

audiences, what is it about the track? It makes you want to move.

The producer said if it's in the groove, you can't hold it down.

Absolutely brilliant, thank you for the chance to do this! Ready? No,

not like that. And again... I'll get my coat. Taxi for Matthews. Because

we are at the festival we thought we'd better book one of the most

popular acts that are here. They are one of the best live acts on the

comedy circuit, straight out of Dublin, they are Abandoman. CHEERING

Nice to see you again. We are going to get straight into the

performance. Tell us what we need to do? Everything we do is improvised,

every song is made up based on who we meet. Tonight we will try

something with you guys. Our show is about ambitions, dreams, what we

would love to know from you is what are your wildest ambitions for the

next year, ambitious, real, gluten-free, piggybacking whatever

you want? Ladies and gentlemen, this is all improvised, give us a cheer

for Alex and Patrick. What are your hopes and dreams? We are here with

Alex. It is your The One Show team. Right now we're doing this, we'd be

keeping on the TV, Patrick Kielty, believe me, give these people your

first Evra dream? Rock-hard abs. No problem, he's talking about abs, not

quite got them. We're doing this, looking to be more rock than WWE.

Check it right now, you know are going to kick back, after this we

can share the six-packs. Mr Patrick Kielty at the gym, the second one,

Alex? Bradley Cooper. That's right, may dream every single day of the

18. That's right, choose your suitor, come on Bradley, Cooper.

That's right, you know we've got it good, got to go overseas, popping

into Hollywood. I mean he is like slightly Bradley. He is kind of

crowd -ish, back to Patrick. Become First Minister. That's right, kick

right back. This is like snap, wants the job of Miss Nicola. Look at

this, so certain he'll never take your job, Miss Sturgeon. Never get

to try and be the Minister, look, she's here, a great politician. In

fact, the leader from SMP, can I get one from you, I love your blue. I'm

just trying to flirt, go ahead. Be as funny as Patrick Kielty. What?!

It's watches could do, like definitely, comedy, career after

that SNP. Yes, the first seen, everybody right now, what's

happening? Everyone in the place please start clapping! APPLAUSE

That was fantastic. Thank you to all of our guests, we are back tomorrow.

I will miss you. See you then, goodbye! That was amazing!