The Cow That Almost Missed Christmas

SHE SIGHS

-DONKEY BRAYS

-Good afternoon, Marjorie.

Afternoon, Mrs Daniels.

SHE SIGHS

Another lovely day, Marjorie.

Sun shining, not a cloud in the sky...

Ooh!

Well, it seems like everyone's spring cleaning

for the big weekend, then.

You mean this?

"Stand up and be counted

"in Caesar Augustus's fabulous Roman census."

Oh, you youngsters are all the same.

Bethlehem will have seen nothing like it.

People coming from hundreds of miles,

all to return to the town in which they were born.

Oh, it'll be quite a party.

What, a real party, with jelly and balloons

and people dancing on milk vans with tinfoil wrapped around them?

Oh, I most certainly hope not!

This is about family, Marjorie.

Will there be music?

-Possibly, but...

-And singing?

There may be a bit of...

And will Judith be going out?

Judith will not be going out!

Her uncle is coming all the way from Nazareth.

But this place will be rocking later?

People will start arriving this evening, yes.

But it'll be bedlam in the streets, Marjorie,

and King Herod's guards will be keeping everything in order.

Best stay indoors.

A street party...in Bethlehem!

Who'd have thought?

CHICKENS CLUCK

You think you're going to do WHAT?

Oh, you know, I thought I'd go out for a gentle stroll.

Are you kidding? You, young lady, are far too young

to go out gallivanting after tea.

Calm down, love. Marjorie will be fine.

My child is not going out there

to mix with goodness knows who from goodness knows where!

I bet Judith's going out.

Oh, JUDITH, the donkey from number 75?

She most certainly is not.

Brian and I were chatting to her mother, Beryl, this morning.

Isn't Beryl's brother Ted, Fred, or Jed,

coming for this census thing?

He's coming from Nazareth.

If Judith's Uncle Edmund is coming from the back of beyond,

you can be certain that Judith is staying put to welcome him.

HE CRIES OUT

But it's SO boring in Bethlehem.

Nothing ever happens,

and nothing ever happens in this blinking stable either.

This, young lady, is not a stable, and well you know it!

This is a barn. It's got a manger and an outside loo.

Stable, barn, same difference.

There most certainly IS a difference.

No member of our family, adopted or otherwise,

has ever lived in a stable.

A stable's good enough for Judith's...

I don't care if Judith's family live in a reptile house!

This is a barn!

And in it, Marjorie, you are staying.

Hey, don't worry about your mother. I'll win her round.

You go out and have a good time. I'll take care of your mum.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.

But not a word to your brothers and sisters,

and don't be out late, or both your mum and I will be after you.

Oi, oi. Here, Marge, where are you off to in such a hurry?

Golly, you frightened me! I'm going into town.

-There's a street party tonight, apparently.

-Going out? Ooh!

Right, excellent! Any chance of you staying out, you know, for good?

For good? I was only going for a few hours.

Well, if you WERE thinking of going out forever,

you'd let us know, right?

Cos then, maybe we could borrow your room for a bit.

Isn't this room a bit big for one rat?

Well, the wife and kids would move in, too.

You've got kids?

Just the 2,053.

2,054 tomorrow, of course.

Right. I had no idea there were so many of you.

Why don't we look after the place while you're gone?

We'll keep it spick and span, clean as a whistle. Promise.

-And when you get back...

-If you get back...

You'll never know any of us have ever been here.

Have we got a deal, Marjorie?

Well, I will be back later,

and you can't tell anyone I've gone. I promised my dad.

Oh, for you and your dad, anything.

OK. Don't forget, if any of the young ones ask you where I've gone,

you keep hush-hush, right?

Or my mum and dad will get in a right flap.

Right. We won't tell a soul. Scout's honour.

SHOUTING

Oh, my...

..giddy aunt!

What on Earth? Hang on a minute.

No, no, no. The answer is no.

-But I'm coming dancing with you.

-Dancing?

Yeah, you know, partying,

hanging out with all the cool people.

Right, and who told YOU I was going dancing?

Well, the rats just told me.

Although, they said I wasn't to tell a soul.

-Scout's honour, apparently.

-Of course.

Do Mum and Dad know you're here?

Yeah. Mum got a bit cross,

but Dad said you needed looking after, so here I am.

-But I'm an almost fully-grown cow!

-Exactly!

Look, I'm coming with you, and that's that.

Nothing ever happens in this town, or this stable.

You said so yourself. It's the party of a lifetime, Marge.

And with me here, you've got your very own

bodyguard-come-party guide to look after you.

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

OK. Let's get one thing straight.

-I

-will be the one doing the guiding tonight.

Yeah, of course. Absolutely.

I decide where we go and who we talk to. Get it?

-Got it.

-Good.

-Taxi!

-Hang on a moment.

Where are we going?

Town centre. That must be where the party's at.

Everyone will aim for the middle of town, then... You know...

Right, of course. To the town centre!

We don't seem to be moving.

There's a traffic jam.

Come on, let's go and find out what it is.

Maybe some celebrity's appeared and stopped the traffic.

But this is Bethlehem, Brian!

-No-one famous ever comes to Bethlehem.

-Come on!

Excuse me. Yeah. Thanks a bunch.

Yeah. Yeah.

Large lady cow coming through!

-Sheep!

-HE SIGHS

-Let's introduce ourselves.

-Are you kidding? They're sheep!

-Hello, I'm Marjorie.

-And I'm Brian.

BOTH: Welcome to Bethlehem.

Smile, Dave, and back away slowly.

SLOWLY: Have you travelled far?

SLOWLY: Rome? Alexandria?

Milton Keynes?!

No, just a few miles outside the town walls.

But you've come for the census? To be counted?

No! We came cos we were told to.

By a letter in the post?

No, it was a most peculiar occurrence.

On a cold night in the middle of last week,

there was a low-lying mist and all was calm.

We were up on these hills, see?

MUSIC BEATS THUMP

Right, ladies. That's it! I'm not going to ask again.

-Who's listening to music?!

-SHEEP SNORE

Cos I'm sure I can hear it.

Umsk, umsk, umsk! It's stopping me going to sleep.

-THEY LAUGH

-This is not a laughing matter,

and we've got a hard day's grazing tomorrow.

-MUSIC STOPS

-OK, that's more like it.

No more music. Not even if you're wearing headphones!

Complete silence!

Thank you.

-TWINKLING NOISE

-Right, that's it!

When I find out which one of you is...

Hang on, Lance. Take a look at this.

I knew I could hear music!

Angels! A host of them. Oh, it's so beautiful.

-What are they singing about?

-Stop bleating, and we'll hear!

ALL: Oh!

I think, ladies, that's what's commonly called a visitation.

And to think it happened up here, on a hill,

in front of a herd of sheep and a couple of dozy shepherds.

Watch out, here they come. Sleep, everyone!

And that was that.

We all marched down the hill, and ended up here. Gridlock City.

How amazing!

Did you catch what the angels were singing about?

Dave said he heard something about a new king being born.

Oh, that's more like it! I love a new baby, me.

Especially for the royals.

And did the shepherds say anything?

No, a bit dopey, them two.

It's this way up, look.

They said something about a star.

I think that's what they were following.

A pop star! There ARE famous people here!

They'll all be partying too. Come on, before we miss them!

A twinkling kind of star?

It was definitely up there earlier.

Marjorie! Oi, Marge! >

Over here! Coo-ee! >

Hey, Marge, isn't that your donkey friend from number 75?

Judith? Where?

Marge, it IS you! Mum said you wouldn't be allowed out.

-She said...

-Judith, what ARE you wearing?

-Shush!

-We're in disguise.

-We?!

-Yeah, me and this lot.

-ALL: Evening.

These are my cousins, Benjamin and Lionel

and this is my half cousin, Colin.

-Colin?

-What's with the sunglasses?

-I mean, who wears sunglasses after dark?

-Shh!

We're in disguise cos we're not supposed to be out here.

-My uncle's come from...

-Nazareth. Yeah, we heard.

If he sees any of us out here, then the whole world knows,

and then Mum finds out Dad knew all along

and bang goes the chance of us ever getting to this party thing.

-So there'll definitely be a party?

-Shush!

It's a big place, Bethlehem, and with all this clobber on,

what's the likelihood of us being spotted, eh?

Judith! Is that you, Judith?

Oh, my good Lord! Mercy me! It's Judith!

My own family! It's been so long!

I've travelled so many miles! Months and months, we've walked!

You've come from Nazareth.

Well, just outside the new ring road...

Do you remember Benjamin and Lionel?

How could I possibly forget? Benny boy!

-It's Lionel!

-Oh, yeah, Lionel.

And, of course, Colin.

And my friend, Marjorie, from three doors down.

-Everyone calls me Marge.

-And her sister...

-Brother!

Have you come for the Roman census?

The census! The bane of our lives, Marjorie!

And it's been made worse, with the baby...

You're having a baby and all?

Everyone's having babies! Even the royals.

-Not me! My passenger.

-Uncle Ted's in the transport game.

Works for a carpenter.

Yeah, ferrying all his gear about, and his family.

Oh, it's a hard life!

You were saying...?

Oh, yes, my passenger.

The boss's wife, Mary. Lovely lady.

Ready to have a baby at any moment.

A baby?! And she still travelled? I'd have stayed put.

Yeah, but this baby's special.

It was if it had to be born in Bethlehem,

like it was its...destiny.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Let me explain...

It was the most extraordinary afternoon a few months back...

-Ted, are you on call tonight?

-No, I'm done for the day.

Just had to go to the store to get some new kitchen units.

Notice you got clipped on the rear side.

Yeah, a caravan coming from Galilee rammed me up the...

Oh! Here, is that the boss's wife?

Sounds like she's in some distress.

Who's he?

Never seen him in my life before.

He's got wings!

Maybe he's an angel. They're all over the papers at the moment.

-Sightings left, right and centre.

-Look out, it's the gaffer!

-Phew!

-That flying bloke disappeared sharpish.

-What did he want?

-Looked like he had some news.

-Mary looked well chuffed.

-Shush, I can't hear!

I'm missing the best bit.

Did we miss something? What did we miss?

It's Mary.

She's going to have...a baby!

What happened next?

Well, it was going swimmingly for a few months,

until this census nonsense came along.

Then it's, "Get your bags packed, we're getting on the donkey."

-And here we are.

-Here we are?

I beg your pardon?

You said, "Here WE are." Where's the rest of your gang?

Well, they're trying to find the hotel.

They did try to book ahead,

but it's worse than Jerusalem with a conference in town.

How many hotels have you tried?

All of them! Hotels, motels,

boarding houses, guesthouses, B&B's,

every single one packed to the rafters!

Have you tried the one on King David Street?

It's next door to Marge's house.

Oh, I don't believe we have.

Not sure it's what you want. It's a bit poky,

and the drains smell terrible.

The hotelier's a lovely bloke.

If he's full, he'll find you somewhere else.

He lets us rent his stable for some eggs and a bucket of milk.

It's a barn, really. It's even got a manger.

Whatever it is, it sounds promising.

I'll just see if I can catch their attention.

Right, we've got to get back

before he lets the cat out of the bag.

-Oh!

-But what about the party?

What party? Where is the party?

Could someone please tell me where the party is before we miss it?

There's probably pop stars, angels...

Watch out, here they come! Scarper!

Come on!

BRIAN BABBLES

Romans!

THEY SCREAM

That was close. I wonder who they were after?

-That could have turned nasty.

-Could have?!

Eh?

Put you here.

-Oh, crikey, who are you lot?

-Lot?

Lot? We are not a lot.

A lot is what you might call a herd of common one-humped camels.

-We, you might have noticed, have two.

-Am I missing something?

One hump, two humps. Do you see?

One hump, two humps.

Oh, right, camels! I know a joke about camels, you'll love this.

What do you call a camel with three humps?

CAMELS: We don't know, what do you call a camel with three humps?

Hump-three. Humphrey. Do you get it?

-Ha, ha, ha!

-So, have you come for the Roman census?

-Romans? Did you say Romans? Where?

-They are coming to get us.

-King Herod and his band of nasties.

-We're all doomed, I tell you!

-Doomed!

-I'm guessing you're from out of town, then.

We have come from the East.

We have been crossing the desert for many months.

And what's with all this fancy make-up and stuff?

-We are astrologers.

-Golly!

It's fashionable for astrologers to wear eye-liner where you come from?

Well, we are wise astrologers.

-Royal wise astrologers.

-That explains it.

Well, we're not actually astrologers as such.

But we are wise, definitely wise.

The astrologers are the blokes who have been riding us.

BOTH: OK.

They're kings, astrology kings,

three of them. They just dashed in for something to eat.

So, these three astrologists kings then...

Wise astrologer kings, yep.

They've come for the census, have they? To be counted.

-Well, not as such, no.

-CAMELS: They've come for the star.

-Goodness, the food must be amazing.

-No, the star. In the sky.

We've been following it all the way here to Bethlehem.

It started a month or two back, in the Eastern deserts.

So, how much longer do you think they're going to be?

Uh! Astrology is an art, Howard,

-it's not something you can do in a matter of minutes.

-Whatever.

Cos I'm properly parched, I need a drink!

It's like both humps have run totally dry.

Look, as I have said, as soon as we get back to town,

we'll stop at the watering hole and fill up.

But I haven't got any money or anything.

They're kings, Jeffrey, relax.

-Strictly speaking, mine is actually a magi rather than a king.

-What?

Mine's a magi, which means you've been keen on the whole

dressing up box and star gazing is a bit of a hobby.

-They're not actually kings, then?

-No, they are.

My one is called Balthazar.

You got to be a king with a flouncy name like that, surely.

Look, all I want to know is, when can we get a drink?

Hang about, Howard, I think they've spotted something.

Now, that is what I call a star.

-It is magnificent!

-Do you think it means something?

It means our refreshments just got a step closer!

They're packing up! On your feet, boys!

So, did the star mean anything?

-The birth of a new king, apparently.

-Another one?

This is turning out to be a very regal occasion.

And all that from a single, twinkling star.

They did say those astrology blokes were wise.

-And seriously loaded, too.

-Loaded? Rich, beyond your wildest dreams.

-So, they got you that drink?

-Nope, not yet.

But we had to stop at the market on the way here to get some presents

-for the baby.

-Gold, frankincense and myrrh.

-Wow! They must be rich.

-What's myrrh?

A type of tree resin used mainly in the making of perfume.

I'd stick with gold and frankincense, myself.

And this new king, he's been born here in Bethlehem?

-This very night.

-I knew it!

Didn't I say tonight was special, Brian?

No, you didn't, I did.

But the Romans must be delighted, clashing with the census and all.

-Romans?

-Eh?

-Where? Do you see them?

-Oh!

-We're doomed!

So it was you they were chasing!

They came for the three astrology magis with us,

sent by the horrid King Herod.

-He wanted to know more about the new king.

-The King of the Jews.

But our kings were having their supper, see? And we kept it zipped.

Which narked King Herod.

As without our three wise kings, there's no way this Herod king

could find the Jewish king, who's only just been born.

Luckily, we escaped.

-Oh!

-Uh! I've just about had enough of all this.

Call me a party-pooper, but I can't see a bright star over Bethlehem.

I can't see no three wise astrology magi blokes.

And there's way too many kings for my liking.

So, as much as I have enjoyed this charming romp,

how do we know you're not just a bunch of giant...fibbers?!

CAMELS: Fibbers? He's calling us a bunch of fibbers?

-Oh!

-How dare you, sir! I am an honourable animal.

We are, we are immensely honourable.

Come on, gents, let's show this party-pooper the star.

Yeah, party-pooper!

If you just come back a bit farther,

you'll be able to see it over these rooftops.

-Just about...

-Neigh!

-There they are!

CAMELS: Romans! ROMANS: Camels!

Horses!

-ALL: Aaaah!

-Huh?

ALL: Aaaah!

Right, Brian, in here.

What? Eh...? Ah!

You! In the name of King Herod,

come out of the shadows and present yourself.

Ah-ha-ha!

-Right, what's your name, woman?

-Marjorie, sir.

I am but a helpless old washerwoman,

washing clothes in the street...without any water.

Drycleaners, that's what we are. Dry...cleaners.

Right. Have you seen three Bactrian camels come down this street?

They may have been travelling with a large cow wearing heels

and a malnourished lady chicken in a cheep sparkly all-in-one number.

Bactrian camels, you say?

Yes, madam, two humps instead of the usual one.

Yeah, have I told you that camel with three humps joke?

Yeah, his name's Humphrey. Can we get on with this?

We saw them only moments ago, didn't we, Brian?

BOTH: They went...that way.

Oh, no, it was that way, definitely that way.

Excellent! Thank you, ladies. Right, after those camels!

Flippin' hate horses, me.

This King Herod fellow, bit of a spoilsport.

And his knees-up of a lifetime census thingamy is slightly

-over rated so far.

-That's how tonight'll go down in history,

not the most important date for 1,000 years...

But a colossal damp squib.

Hm...

Well, you can sit here and mope,

but I'm going to at least find out where on earth we...

are!

Brian! Brian, are you all right?

I don't believe it! Marge, you need to get up here quick!

I'm a cow, Brian, hooves and roofs don't mix.

No, really, Marge, you're definitely going to want to see this.

Right, come on!

Where are we going, Brian, what did you see?

-Brace yourself, Marge, this is going to be big.

-Oh, it better be, Brian.

It's a star!

Oh!

So, those camels, the kings, the whole star-following thing,

it was all true. And we called them a bunch of fibbers, eh?

Lucky we won't be seeing them again.

-Not unless you visit your bedroom any time soon.

-Oh! That's our house.

They're having a party at our house! The party, Brian, THE party!

Mum and Dad most have known all along. Of all the rotten things!

BOTH: Mrs Daniels?

Well, hello, Marjorie, Brian.

Having a nice evening, are we?

You haven't by any chance seen my daughter on your travels?

-Eh...

-Have we seen...?

-No, no! No, of course not.

-Is she in trouble?

No, Marjorie, she's not in trouble,

but if she doesn't get here soon, she will be.

She will miss the best night in history!

BOTH: I beg your pardon?

It's everything I said it would be, Marjorie!

Family and singing...and a baby!

It's the party of a life time! Everything's wonderful!

See that? This whole star thing has gone a bit to her head.

She was right about that baby, though.

Everyone's cooing over the baby. He's got his own halo and everything.

His name is Jesus, Jesus Christ.

BOTH: Oh!

That's, uh...a lovely name.

You don't think they thought I meant this was the hotel, do you?

What, and our front room was the presidential suite?

-Nah! The hotel was probably full.

-Well, I bet the innkeeper has told

them they can keep here with us.

I'll be having stern words with him later, Marge, stern words.

Come on, let's go and tell them to hop it.

Hang about, Brian, I think maybe it's best

we stick out here with everyone else.

But we've got to eat out of that manger later.

No, no, I think we've been spotted.

Ah-ha!

-Oh. Yeah, you're right.

-Still, we made it.

Yeah, and everyone's here - royalty, pop stars, the new baby.

Yep, the party of the millennium in our barn.

And to think we almost missed it.

Hang about, Brian.

Oh, eh, Marge, you can keep your blooming bedroom, thanks.

Oh, right. Problem was there?

Let's just say it got rather squashed when a party

of two-humped camels turned up...AND their three wise friends!

Wise? Do me a favour, they bring gold, frankincense

and myrrh for a first child?

I'll have child 2,054 and they don't even get me a card!

Well, nice to see at least one family is cheerful

at this time of year.

Yes, miracles do happen, you know, Ratty?

Miracles do happen.

# Once in royal David's city

# Stood a lowly cattle shed

# Where a mother laid her baby

# In a manger for his bed

# Mary was that mother mild

# Jesus Christ, her little child. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd