Gangsta Granny

She's so boring.

Ben, don't talk about your gran like that.

Well, she is, but your dad's right. Don't be rude.

Hurry up.

Oh, hello, son. How's my little Benny?

Hello, Mother. How are you?

Oh, not so bad.

Great, well, got to go.

Oh, can you not pop in for a quick cuppa?

Well, I'd love to, but...

Mikey, are you going to be in there all day?

Linds!

You all right, dear?

Yes, thank you, dear.

Sorry, we've been up to our eye-balls at the salon.

We've had a rush on spray-tans.

Ben, one of us will pick you up in the morning at 11.

Could you make it 10?

Son... Well, have fun, you two.

Don't get into too much trouble.

Put your foot down, Mikey. It's time to...

BOTH: Start dancing!

I've got your favourite for your tea tonight. Cabbage soup.

Come on in.

So, how's school?

Hmm, fine.

Good.

How are things outside of school?

The things you're up to outside of school hours.

Yeah, fine.

Cabbage soup OK?

Fine.

Mm. Good.

Fine.

Oh, you'll be pleased to know

the main course is cabbage pie with boiled cabbage on the side.

WALTZ MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, you polished that off good and proper.

SHE FARTS

HE COUGHS

I'm spraying pine and apple together to make pineapple.

Well, this is nice.

Want to guess what I'm doing, Benny?

Knitting?

Yes, that's right, young man.

I am knitting, but what am I knitting?

Another jumper with a kitten on it?

That's right. I can't tell you what lucky boy it's for.

You'll just have to wait till Christmas.

MUSIC: "Bolero" by Maurice Ravel

Well, that's a double word score, triple letter score.

That's 87 to me.

Oh, it's getting ever so late.

Time for your beddy-byes, young man.

Once upon a time, a little boy called Benny, about your age,

looked under his bed and found a magic carpet.

Oh! Sorry, Gran, do you know what? I'm really tired.

Oh, oh, I know...

you're too old for that sort of thing now, aren't you?

Silly old Gran.

I'll leave you be.

(Nighty night.)

HE EXHALES

SNORING

MOBILE VIBRATES

'Hello?'

Dad, can you come and get me? I'm bored.

Ben, this isn't a good time.

We're in the middle cha of our cha-cha-cha.

You are being very selfish. I've had a long week.

I've done 152 spray tans.

28 on me.

28 on your father. This is our time to unwind.

But it's torture here.

I'm sorry. There seems to be a...

-SHE IMITATES SIGNAL INTERFERENCE

-..problem on the line.

DIAL TONE

DOOR SHUTS

Granny?

They'll be here to pick you up soon.

Thanks for letting me stay.

SHE SNIFFS

Are you OK, Gran?

Mmm.

Oh, your mum's here.

HORN TOOTS

Not stopping. Must be very busy.

Goodbye, then. I'll see you next Friday.

Yes, yes.

A-ha, Ben, my favourite customer.

I know you're a man who knows a great deal when he hears one.

I have a very special one-day-only offer.

What is it, Raj?

24 Cornettos for the price of...23!

That's one Cornetto free of any charge! Only for my VIP customer.

And what am I going to do with 24 Cornettos?

Eat 12 now, and put 12 in your pockets for later.

They're not out of date, are they?

So, you're coming here for your Plumbing Weekly.

I've kept it here safe for you, and this week there's a free gift.

A U-bend. Cool. We need a new one of those.

Do you spend all your spare time plumbing?

Yeah, when I'm not at my boring old granny's.

Tut tut, and a third tut.

Just because your granny is old does not mean she is boring.

She comes here on Wednesday afternoons to buy her

Murray Mints and tissues,

you know, granny equipment, and we have many interesting chats.

Really?

Oh, yes. There is more to her than meets the eye.

I bet your granny has a secret or two.

Old people always do.

Not my granny. See you later.

Is this right for a boy of his age?

No. When I was his age I was like any normal lad.

Upstairs in my bedroom trying on sequinned outfits.

BANGING

Do you remember all those years ago, when you put your hands on my belly?

We felt those little kicks and said...

BOTH: He's going to be a dancer!

BANGING

What happened?

Ben, are you going to be long? I need toilet.

-Finished!

-Go and have a manly chat with him.

-But I really need to go.

Multi-task!

Cor, men.

So, Ben, we're having a guy chat. Father to son.

What are we chatting about?

Oh, er, football. Eh, son?

Football.

To be honest, Dad, I don't really like football.

-What?

-I said I don't really like football.

Me neither. It's just, me and your mum are worried.

You spend all your time plumbing.

But I love it, and I want to be a plumber when I grow up.

Yes, yes, but it's tough

to make it to the very top of the plumbing world.

You need something to fall back on.

Like what?

Ballroom dancing.

See you later.

-See you tomorrow. Maybe more like 12.

-Or one.

Benjamin, isn't it?

Hello, Mr Parker. How's the Neighbourhood Watch?

18 visits in as many weeks. Any weapons on you?

No.

-Nunchuckas?

-No.

-Ninja throwing stars?

-No.

-Bamboo fighting sticks?

-No!

So, you have spray cans with which you intend to graffiti-ise

-the close.

-No.

Hmm.

Purpose of visit?

I'm here to see my gran.

-HE SCOFFS

-The so-called pensioner.

Terrence, camera please.

Look into the lens.

On your way.

Gran? I'm...

-You hungry, Ben?

-Sort of.

Oh, good, cos I've got a new cabbage soup on.

To be honest, Gran...

As much as I love cabbage, you know, I'm a bit...

-Cabbaged out?

-Yeah, exactly.

And have you got anything that isn't...

Cabbagey? Let me think. I might have some biscuits.

There's a tin in the kitchen. Go have a look.

Try on top of the cupboard.

You all right in there, Ben?

Did you find anything?

Not a thing. Nothing. No.

I didn't find anything in the cupboard at all.

Never mind. I'll just go stir up the cabbage stew then.

MUSIC: Theme from Strictly Come Dancing

Oh!

Now, Mikey, please rip the cellophane off the dip assortment.

With pleasure, lady.

Saturday night has begun.

-Mum?

-Sh! It's started.

But it's only the titles bit.

Still! Sh.

Hush!

Dad,

can I go to Granny's again tonight?

Are you sure?

Let me give her a call.

How long does it take...? Oh, hello, Mother!

Ben was wondering if he could come over later.

Oh, really?

All right. Goodbye then.

Sorry, son, she said she's going out.

-What? But she never goes out.

-Silence!

Please.

Flavio is on.

And now let's have a quick chat with our red hot Latin lover,

Flavio Flavioli.

'Thanks, Claudia. This evening I am ready to rumba!'

'Ladies, things are really going to hot up this week.

'Oh, yes, it's a scorchie, scorchie, burn up the floor!'

(Down here. Cameras. What on earth do you think you're doing?)

What are you doing, more like?

I asked first.

I followed you. I found the biscuit tin.

-The one with the j...

-You mustn't say a word about that tin.

Or what you saw here tonight. Promise?

Promise?!

Promise. On one condition.

You have to tell me everything.

Come round tomorrow. Make sure nobody follows you.

But before three.

It's mobile library day.

OK, Gran.

But...

Gran?

CLATTERING

Are you OK, Ben? We heard a lot of noise.

And why is the window open?

-Have you been out?

-Of course not.

Well, what have you been doing?

Um, dancing?

My man-to-man chat worked. As I knew it would.

Yeah, I was really inspired by whatever it was you said.

-I just had to give it a go.

-He's got it now.

He's got the bug. Open the Asti Spumante.

Our boy is going to be a dancer.

Come here, son.

I'm so proud of you.

Yeah. Oh, no, that is a shame. Oh, how awful.

Yeah, yeah, no, I'll pass that on right away.

OK, ta-ta.

Ben, I have good news. I have amazing news.

I have sensational news. Which would you like first?

Er, the good news?

Ricky Diamond came off his skateboard yesterday -

broke all his arms and legs!

-Are you sure that's the good news?

-Yes!

Because it brings us to the amazing news. Now,

Florence Star needs a new partner for...

..the Junior Regional Ballroom Championships!

I don't think I'm ready for a competition just yet.

Modest. Yes. The judges will lap it up.

OK. What's the sensational news?

Flavio.

He's got a new puppy!

Aww-w-w-w-w!

You didn't say it was THAT Ben.

He'd better be as good as you say he is, Linda.

Dancing is in his blood. He's like me.

That's what worries me.

-Excuse me?

-I said, "That's what worries me."

Ben will not let you down. Will you?

I hope he's versatile.

-Florence is very versatile.

-I can dance anything.

I can dance tango, I can dance jive, I can dance foxtrot.

I can dance swing. I can dance rock 'n' roll and Lindy hop.

-I can dance anything, really.

-She can dance anything, really.

She's studying ballet for a week in Paris next year.

-That's in France.

-Oh, you see? She's a genius in geography too.

Well, we'll leave you two to it. Make magic.

Some really "wow" moments, please.

Yeah. Yeah. Can we have some really "wow" moments, please?

I just said that.

Well, we haven't got long, so I've made a rehearsal plan.

The thing is, Florence, I'm so good at dancing,

I like to let my partners rehearse on their own first, you know?

So they can get up to speed.

I don't need to "get up to speed". I know every dance there is.

Do you though? Do you know the quicktrot?

The rumbum? Can you do the shimmy shammy?

You've made those up.

You learn those and I'll see you in a week. Bye.

Ben!

Oh, and don't forget the Spanish otter.

This is amazing.

I was just a girl when it all began.

I was from a very poor family.

Growing up, I'd never even seen diamonds and sapphires,

rubies like this. Oh! Look at it.

Buried under the ground for billions of years.

What a beauty.

Every one of these has its own story.

What about this one?

Ah, I stole that from a rich American heiress

when I was working below decks on an ocean liner.

Wow.

And that one?

From a castle in deepest, darkest Russia.

It belonged to the last tsarina.

Wow, it's enormous.

RUSTLING

-What was that?

-What was what?

I thought someone was outside the window.

I think your mind's playing tricks on you.

Now, this is the biggest one.

From a maharani in India, no less.

I had to scale the wall of their palace.

-How?

-Well,

I climbed onto the back of an elephant

and shimmied up its trunk, right into the maharaja's chamber.

You must have half the police in the world looking for you.

Oh, yes. They couldn't catch me. But they gave me a name.

The Black Cat.

The Black Cat.

Hold on. So how did you end up living in a small house

with a broken telly?

Oh, I never sold any of it. That's the way you get caught.

But when your dad came along 40 years ago, I gave it up.

Had to be a mum, not an international jewel thief.

Now, how about a nice game of Scrabble?

What? You can't play Scrabble.

You're like someone from one of those songs

I'm not allowed to listen to. You're a gangsta.

It was a very long time ago.

You're a gangsta.

-"Gangsta granny".

-That's right.

We've got to get you blinged up.

You've got to get with the slang. So the police are...

Bobbies?

-HE SIGHS

-Feds!

MUSIC: "Walk This Way" by Aerosmith

Oh, and a "sick tune" is a good song.

Perry Como. He dropped some sick tunes.

Get me?

Imma going to jack your ice for shizza.

Well good.

Yes, I'm sounding quite thugged out now.

-For real.

-True dat, cos.

These must be the most valuable jewels in the world.

Oh, no. No, I never did get those.

Those? What were they?

(It's Mr Parker outside the window!)

-I can't see.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'm not going to chokey. Ben, stall him.

-What? How?

(But don't kill him.)

(Unless you really have to.)

DOORBELL RINGS

Suspicious amount of jewellery on your grandmother.

I can explain.

By the power vested in myself by myself,

I shall conduct a full search of these premises.

-You can't come in here.

-Why not?

Because...Granny's doing her naked yoga.

-HE SCOFFS

-A likely story! Out of my way.

Madam, I demand to...

Mr Parker, I'm in the middle of my tree pose.

Yes, but, but, but I mean...

-Where are the jewels?

-What are you talking about?

Hand them o...

Hand them over, or this will become a matter for the police.

Oh, fine. And when they get here, I'll report you.

-What for?

-Spying on old ladies in their underwear.

But you were fully clothed when I looked through the window!

That's what they all say.

You've not heard the last of this.

DOOR CLOSES

(Better put the jewels away.)

OK, but first...

Yes, Ben?

-You might want to put some clothes on.

-Ooh, sorry.

(Sorry, Ben. Sorry.)

Ben?

Benno?

Ben-Ben!

Benny Ben.

The Ben man!

BEN!

Your mother needs to talk to you about your outfit.

I don't really need a costume, do I?

You need something with zhuzh.

You need something with pizzazz.

Something that says,

"Everyone, look at me. Look at me, everyone.

"And now!"

I've had... I've had one or two ideas.

The love bomb.

Fruit cocktail.

Piano man.

The Quality Street.

Brian Cox's Wonders of the Solar System.

The Hedgerow Ant Badger.

And, finally, the Great British Bake-Off.

The recipe for success.

-Oh, that's special.

-You're special.

-Oh, stop it.

Can't I just wear jeans and a T-shirt?

Ben...

The first one then.

The love bomb it is.

Now, I have to make the trousers more flarey.

Do you think it needs more hearts?

I think it needs more hearts. Yeah.

-Dad, can I ask you a question?

-What? Nothing too taxing, please.

I was just wondering,

what is the most valuable set of jewels in the world?

Oh, I know this one. It was on Pointless.

The Crown Jewels.

Belongs to the Queen.

You got the crown thing...

The ball thing...

The stick thing. Must be worth a fortune.

Thanks, Dad. Got to go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'll need you for a fitting.

Florence wants an extra practice.

How do you know? She hasn't called.

Well, when you're dance partners like me and Flo,

you just know. It's telepathy.

Ooh, OK, Florence, I'll be right with you.

The binoculars, Terrence.

Make a note of the colour of his trousers, son.

DOOR BELL

That's if they are his trousers.

Purloined from the local charity shop.

DOOR BELL

Are you OK, Gran?

Yes. Yes, oh, I'm fine, thank you.

Well, I'm just having a little nap. Come in.

It's the Crown Jewels.

What's the Crown Jewels?

The ones you never managed to steal.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, yeah, they are the most valuable jewels in the world.

But stealing from the Queen...

She looks like such a nice lady.

She's got loads of jewels. She's not going to miss a few.

Now, Ben, listen to me.

I know you like hearing all my stories,

but you really must forget about this whole stealing jewels malarkey.

-But...

-No, no. I've put it all behind me now.

Besides, the Crown Jewels...

It's impossible.

Nothing's impossible for the Black Cat.

MUSIC: "Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen

# Cos I'm having such a good time Having a good time

# Don't stop me now

# I'm having such a good time I'm having a ball

# Don't stop me now

# If you want to have a good time Just give me a call

# Don't stop me now Cos I'm having a good time

# Don't stop me now Yes, I'm having a good time

# I don't want to stop at all

# Don't stop me now

# I'm having such a good time I'm having a ball

# Don't stop me now

# If you want to have a good time Just give me a call

# Don't stop me now Cos I'm having a good time

# Don't stop me now Yes, I'm having a good time

# I don't want to stop at all. #

Off to Gran's. I'm ready.

Bad news, Ben.

Granny's had a fall.

-TANNOY:

-Dr Sergeant to theatre, please. Dr Sergeant to theatre.

Oh, hello, dears.

Lovely of you to come.

How are you feeling, Mum?

Oh, not too clever.

One minute I'm reaching for a tin of soup,

the next I'm lying face downwards on the lino.

How long were you there?

Oh, not long.

A day or so.

I'm sorry, Mum.

It's funny, cos I was going to call you yesterday.

You know, for one of our...

our girlie natters.

Oh, well. You weren't to know, my dear.

What did the doctors say?

Well they've given me all sorts of tests. X-Rays, scans, whatnot.

They're going to come and talk to me later.

Hopefully won't be in here too long.

I hope so too.

Well, we better let you get some rest.

Well, I'd like to stay a bit longer.

-You know I don't like hospitals.

-Yeah, but...

-Michael.

-We're off.

-Yeah, thanks for coming.

See you soon.

-TANNOY:

-Dr Lipsey to room 842. Dr Lipsey, please go to 842.

Oh, I've left my bag in there.

Don't worry. I'll meet you in the car park.

I'm sorry.

We just spotted it too late.

Oh.

You OK, Granny?

Yes. Yes, I'm fine, thank you.

Good, because I've worked out a way to steal the Crown Jewels.

Oh, Ben.

It's all about the plumbing.

You see, the tower has a 500-year-old sewer

running underneath it and that's our way in.

You're forgetting the place is teeming with Beefeaters.

I've memorised and timed all their patrol routes.

And how do we get into the jewel house?

Drill the locks off the doors?

The Crown Jewels are kept behind bulletproof glass.

Uncle Derrick. He got me this chemistry set from the market,

and it has this metal that blows up when it touches water.

Well, seems like you've thought the whole thing out.

Well?

Oh, you're not serious?

One last job for the Black Cat.

One last job. Oh.

So, what do you think?

-I'm in.

-Yes!

Ben, there's one small problem.

-What?

-I'm not meant to leave here.

HE WHISTLES

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Mrs Norris.

Mrs Norris!

Hey, there!

Mrs Norris!

You're not a doctor.

-DEEP VOICE:

-I am.

Yes. Yes.

(He's got YFS.)

What?

Young Face Syndrome.

It's what inspired him to go into medicine.

I'm 52.

-LIFT:

-Doors opening.

They discharged me.

Drive!

So, Granny, do you need a couple of days to get your strength back?

No. No, it has to be sooner.

RECORDING: 'Let's do it on Friday.'

'Just think, this time next week the Crown Jewels will be ours.'

-'One last job for the Black Cat.'

-'Yeah.'

Oh, you silver-maned menace.

I have you now.

It's Friday night. You ready, son?

Yeah. You don't have to pick me up too early tomorrow.

Me and Gran will be playing Scrabble way into the night.

You're not going to Granny's tonight.

No?

No.

Oh, he's pretending he's forgotten.

It's the ballroom championships.

Oh.

MUSIC: "Et C'est La Rencontre" by Frederic Clement

Let's hope Ben doesn't let my princess down.

As if my little prince would.

Your boy hasn't turned up to any rehearsals.

He used telephony.

Anything less than straight tens would be a disappointment.

Anything less than straight tens would be a disappointment.

Yeah, I said that.

ITALIAN ACCENT: Please welcome your host for this evening,

the star of Strictly.

And he was once a guest on Saturday Kitchen.

Go wild...

for Flavio Flavioli!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening...

Basildon.

Are you ready to rumba?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

No, no, no.

Flavio. He no hear you. I say,

are you ready to rumba?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I don't want to hurt you, Flavio. I just want to love you.

SILENCE

APPLAUSE

Ben, we haven't practised once.

I need to ask you a question

and I promise I won't be angry with you if you answer me honestly.

Have you ever danced before?

Um...

No.

I hate you. I hate you.

I hate you!

Superbio.

Please welcome our next young ballroom superstars,

Florence and Ben.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You're on your own.

WALTZ PLAYS

(Dance.)

MUSIC STOPS

FEEDBACK

Well, that was, how you say, interesting.

Well, let's see what our judges think about your performance.

Over to you, judges, with the scores!

BOOING AND HISSING

HE SIGHS

So you have 0, 0, 0,

which give you a combined total of 0.

You ruined it for my princess!

AUDIENCE GASPS

Flavio!

He needs the kiss of life.

ENGLISH ACCENT: Get off me, you nutter!

We need to get out of here now!

Come on. Let's get them.

I'm sorry.

SHE SOBS AND MUMBLES

Yes, you're right.

We have done everything for him.

SOBBING AND MUMBLING CONTINUE

No, you don't deserve this.

Yes, I agree, Linda. You did go too far with Flavio.

I did not say that.

KNOCK ON WINDOW

Where were you?

We said 7!

Granny?

The Black Cat, actually.

Why are you dressed as a teddy from a card shop?

Mum made me. It's a long story.

Shut it. No time. You ready?

Ready for what?

To steal the blooming Crown Jewels!

SIREN WAILS

Oh, it's the feds. Hold on, I'm going to floor it.

Go on, Granny, they're catching up.

Come on, Granny, they're getting closer!

Is this your vehicle, madam?

Yes, Officer.

Because we've had reports

of one of these being driven illegally on a motorway.

Speeds of up to eight miles an hour.

Two people.

Also illegal.

Wouldn't be you, would it?

Oh! SHE CHUCKLES

Have you been drinking?

I had a glass of sherry at Easter.

So...what are you two doing out so late?

We're going to a late-night rally of mobility scooters.

Rally of mobility scooters.

And where is this mobility scooter rally exactly?

Near the Tower of London.

Oh, but don't worry,

we're not going to steal anything from the Tower of London.

No, that would be wrong. No, we are going there

purely for the mobility scooter rally.

Well...

We'd better be off.

Stop right there.

Let me give you a lift.

Enjoy the rally.

Nincompoop.

Oh, blimey.

Right, so...

..the drain cover should be right about...

..here.

TYRES SQUEAL

Oh, come on, Millicent.

Come on, old girl, you can do it.

Oh.

Stop!

Phew!

Do you want to say it or shall I?

You say it.

Let's rock'n'roll!

THEY LAUGH

How long does this go on for?

It's actually one of the longest stretches of sewer in London.

Well, aren't I the lucky one?

SQUEAKING Oh! What was that?

It's probably just a rat.

Steady.

Oh.

Over here. Look. Go, go, go.

Beefeaters everywhere. They must have put more on tonight.

Don't worry. I've got an idea.

Quick!

Oh, my stars and garters, they're beautiful!

Wow!

Back. Back.

Now, here,

squirt on the count of 5, 4, 3, 2...

Ahem!

Your Majesty!

What on earth are you doing here?

I mean, what on earth are you doing here, Ma'am?

One has a Queen's speech to write...

..and I find it easier...

SHE PRESSES KEY PAD

..to think queenly thoughts wearing the right sort of hat.

Hm...

Yeah. That's better.

Now, more to the point, what are you two doing here?

It... It's quite difficult to explain, Your Majesty.

Do you have one of these?

They give them to the elderly.

You press that button and help comes.

Only my one brings the SAS,

so you better start explaining or it's clicky-clicky, shooty-shooty.

I am solely to blame.

No, it was me who said we should steal the Crown Jewels.

But it was me that started this whole thing

when I pretended to be an international jewel thief.

Pretended?!

My grandson. He hated staying with me.

I heard him saying how boring I was.

I don't think that now!

No, I know, dear, but the truth is I WAS boring.

I just ate cabbage and played Scrabble.

So one night I made up a story to amuse him

that I was really the Black Cat.

Hang on. What about the jewels in the tin?

Worthless, dear. Costume jewellery.

Your dad used to play with them when he was a boy.

Oh, do what you want with me.

Lock me up in the Tower for ever, but, I beg of you, let the boy go.

He's only 11.

Nearly 12!

What to do?

On the one hand, one finds the story very touching,

yet you have committed high treason

and it's so long since we've had a good hanging...

..but one does understand, one is a grandmother oneself,

and between you and me,

I know that my own grandchildren sometimes find me dull.

But you're the Queen!

Tell me about it.

They sometimes forget you were young once, don't they?

Mmm. You know, the young people of this country

should give more time to the elderly.

Yes, yes.

Do you know what happened

to the last man who tried to steal the Crown Jewels?

He was pardoned.

In 1671, a Colonel Blood was caught in the very act of robbery...

and King Charles II found his daring so amusing...

SHE LAUGHS

..that he decided to let him go free.

So in strict Royal tradition, that is what I shall do.

You may leave.

Thank you. Thank you, Your Majesty.

No, no, no, no grovelling, please. That's just for work days.

RUNNING FOOTSTEPS

We heard voices, Your Majesty.

Just talking to myself again, boys.

Ooh!

Now, Ben...

-..it's been quite a night.

-I loved it.

But don't get a taste for this sort of thing.

Plumbing is your gift.

-I know.

-Good boy.

We were very lucky to get away with it.

SIRENS BLARE

TYRES SCREECH

WHIRRING OF HELICOPTER

'Put your hands in the air and step away from the tartan shopper.'

Thought you could steal the Crown Jewels?

Well, it's all over.

Only crown you'll be seeing from now on is the inside of a Crown Court.

If we stole the Crown Jewels, Mr Parker, where are they?

Stephens.

HE UNZIPS TARTAN SHOPPER

Washing up liquid bottle. Air fresheners.

Tin of cabbage soup... and another tin of cabbage soup.

Mr Parker, this had better not be another false alarm.

Where have you been all night?

We were at a mobility scooter rally.

HE SCOFFS

-If you believe that you'll believe...

-It's true.

I gave them a lift there.

But we heard them! Didn't we, Terrence?

She's an international jewel thief!

Me?! SHE CHUCKLES

I'm just a boring old granny.

THEY LAUGH

LAUGHTER SPREADS

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

All elements stand down.

Come on. Wrap it up.

Come on, lads.

Dad, next weekend, can we PLEASE just play crazy golf?

Yes, son.

As long as you let me win.

SHE CHUCKLES

-Oh, I'm cream-crackered.

-Me too.

I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Oh, the joy of being alive!

Are you OK, Gran?

I'm fine, honestly. I'm...

Oh...

Ben...

I lied to you at the hospital.

What?!

Well, what the doctor told me was that

what I've got... won't get better.

Now, I haven't got long, but I...

Listen...

Nobody lives forever, hmm?

But...I hope you don't forget your boring old granny.

Never.

SHE LAUGHS

Ben, your dad and I have had a little chat.

We were wrong to make you do the dancing

-when your heart clearly isn't in it.

-And you're not very good.

You like plumbing... so plumb all you like.

And just take your dance classes at weekends.

Mum, Dad...Granny's not well.

I know. I spoke to the doctor.

I didn't want to upset you,

and Granny wouldn't want us to worry, but...

I am worried.

I don't want to lose her.

We'll all look after her from now on.

Together.

SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC CONTINUES

MUSIC CONTINUES

MUSIC CONTINUES

You know what I'll miss the most?

The stories she used to tell.

When I was little, she used to make up the most amazing tales for me.

Me too.

I'll never forget them.

Did she make up stories for you about the jewels?

What jewels?

The costume jewels? The ones you played with when you were a boy.

No...

we never had any jewels in the house growing up.

I'd remember that.

That's weird. That's really weird.

Thing is, Ben, your granny was so good at spinning the yarn...

you could never quite be sure what was made up and what was real.

What happened to all her stuff?

Well, kept all her old photographs for us to have

and a few other bits and bobs.

Everything else went to the charity shop.

That's what she would have wanted.

A-ha, Benjamin! How are you getting on?

OK.

Your grandmother was a very special lady.

Thanks, Raj.

And in her memory I would like to give you a free gift.

She loved a bag of Murray Mints, so...here you are.

Thank you.

It's just the one mint.

Oh.

Go on, then. Have the whole bag.

-Thank you.

-59 pence.

-What's this?

-Haven't you heard?

Someone left a load of jewels outside the local charity shop,

in an old biscuit tin.

They say it's worth millions!

A perfect Bengal mahogany.

A spring ball cock, and a £30 voucher for lagging material.

Thanks!

Now, Mikey, unleash the luxury chocolate assortment,

for it is time for Her Majesty.

REGAL MUSIC PLAYS

'Christmas is a special time of year.

'A time for people of all ages to celebrate together.

'Recently, I met an elderly woman and her grandson at the Tower of London.

'I was struck by the great affection

'which spanned the many years between them.

'So today, I urge the young people of this country

'to be more like that boy.

'Talk to us old folk, and listen too.

'And remember - just because we're old doesn't mean we're boring.

'You never know when we might surprise you.'

'I mean, it's fine and dandy being Queen,

'but, for all these years, all I've really wanted to do...

'is dance. Hit it.'

MUSIC: "Skip To The Good Bit" by Rizzle Kicks

# Let's skip to the good bit

# Say, say, say, say, say

# Skip skip skip skip

# So, been here two days long

# Still not stepped that stone

# Still not moving on, on

# Now, let us go

# I will take control... #

She's good.

I've always said. Her Majesty should do Strictly.

# I like your style

# Been watching you for a while

# I said, Oh, yeah

# Let's dance and then...

# Let's skip to the good bit

# Oh!

# Let's skip to the good bit

# Oh! Say, say, say, say, say, say

# Skip skip skip

# Skip to the good bit

# Let's skip, let's skip

# To the good bit

# Oh-oh-oh. #