The Boy in the Dress

I'm Dennis.

I live in an ordinary house in an ordinary street

in an ordinary town.

But I feel... different.

I go to an ordinary school.

But I feel different there, too.

Put him on an amber alert.

Thank you.

Ah - Lisa James. The serial offender.

Shall I measure her skirt, Mr Hawthorn?

Lisa James is the coolest girl there.

She's always trying to bring some style to the school.

-IN FRENCH ACCENT:

-Dennis?

Que voulez-vous acheter dans le magasin?

Um...

Une voiture?

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

Mais, c'est une boulangerie!

Nous ne vendons pas de voiture dans une boulangerie.

Ecoutez, Dennis. Ecoutez. Isabel?

De... je pain

Du. DU pain, oui. Du pain, du pain.

The teachers moan that I'm always daydreaming.

Saturdays are the best, cos that means football.

-All right, Darvesh?

-Yep.

-Hi, Jaspreet. Is that a new dupatta?

Yes, thank you Dennis, it is. Oh, you always notice things!

Wish my son would notice things like that.

ENGINE STARTS I notice you're embarrassing.

WHISTLE BLOWS

CROWD SHOUTS

Football is the one thing I'm good at.

Go on, Dennis!

The one thing that's mine.

Yes! Goal!

But I still don't feel like I fit in.

Dad doesn't come to watch any more.

But these days he has got a lot on his plate.

FIGHTING SOUNDS FROM TV

Oh! I'm knackered just watching that lot.

Sausages are a bit burnt.

And I forgot to put the hob on for the peas, but they'll soon melt.

Things aren't easy in my family.

It was better when Mum was around.

HE COUGHS

When you were with her, you felt like anything could happen.

Come on, everyone! Don't be boring!

Then, one day, it did.

She left.

After she'd gone, Dad burned every single picture we had of her.

But I managed to save one.

-What you doing?

-Ssh!

But Dad being Dad, he couldn't resist cooking some sausages at the same time.

I suppose I wanted to escape to some magical world.

And I found it in the most unexpected place.

SHOP BELL JINGLES

FEMALE VOICE WHISPERS: Dennis!

Dennis!

Boys can like Vogue too, you know...

Ahem!

33 seconds. That counts as browsing.

Just Match and... (Vogue.)

Uh-huh.

Vogue!

-HE CHUCKLES

-The fashionista's Bible.

-SHOP BELL JINGLES

-An unusual choice for a 12-year-old boy.

Raj, I need to be getting home, so...

Come to think of it, I've never had a boy your age buy Vogue.

It's a Christmas present. For my auntie.

Oh, oh, oh! Then you will need a card.

-A card?

-Uh-huh. To go with the present.

I have Santa, a snowman, reindeers,

"with deepest sympathy"...

-No, no, no. That's not right.

-The Santa one is fine.

Then you will want wrapping paper and sticking tape,

and - oh, oh, oh! - a gift tag.

That is £9.

HE SNIFFS

Come on, Dennis. Strike a pose.

SONG: Come Fly With Me by Michael Buble

# Come fly with me Let's fly, let's fly away

# If you can use some exotic booze

# There's a bar in far Bombay

# Come fly with me Let's fly, let's fly away... #

-Dennis?

-MUSIC STOPS

-What you doing?

-HE SNIFFS

Nothing. Just...thinking.

What?

You know how when we were little, we'd dress as pirates and Daleks?

Yeah.

Don't you sort of miss that?

Nah. Got better things to do now.

Like hang around outside the offy?

Nah. That's boring. We hang around outside the Pound Shop.

HE SNORES

See you later! See you very soon. SHE LAUGHS

-BOTH SHOUTING: It's a party!

-I'm not 18 years old!

-Why did you agree to have a party?

-You're acting like I'm not here!

Think it shrunk a bit.

-There you go.

-Thanks, Dad.

Right, now. The lorry's being serviced today, so I've got a bit of time.

I was going to fix that leaky pipe in your room.

-Where you going?

-Forgot my maths book.

KNOCK AT DOOR

-Hiya, Peter!

-Hi, Jaspreet.

Dennis'll be down in a sec.

Oh! Not too soon, I hope. I do so enjoy our little chats.

Dennis!

Any sec now. Just...

-Dennis!

-FOOTSTEPS ON STAIRS

Get down here! Here we are.

Hiya. Bye, Dad.

All the best. Thanks for taking him again.

Oh, no. Not at all, Peter.

And if you need anything, just call.

Anything at all, day or...night.

Oh. Yep.

I'll just, er...

(There we are, then.)

See you later!

HE EXHALES

Yeah, I'm the captain.

Chief goal scorer, so I take all the penalties.

He takes all the penalties.

BALL THUDS REVERBERATE

Why do we have a school uniform, Miss James?

To keep the nylon factories going, sir?

Because a uniform ensures discipline and without discipline...

Chaos ensues.

Miss Price, I am capable of finishing my own...

Sentences.

Sorry, Mr Hawthorn.

Oi, Simms! Think you're clever, don't you?

I'm just practising.

Well, let's see if you've improved, then.

Hit that can.

THUD!

RICOCHET PINGS

CLANG!

I expect everyone at this school to be dressed immaculately at all times.

RAPID CLANGS

MISS PRICE GASPS

HE STAMMERS

STUDENTS WHISPER

Ssh! Quiet, please. This is a detention, it's not a discotheque.

CLOCK TICKS

What are you in for?

Kicked a ball through the Head's window.

That was you? Respect.

-What's your name?

-Dennis Simms.

-John's little brother?

-Yeah.

-I'm Lisa.

-I know. You're a legend! You're the coolest girl in school.

I love the way you dress. Every day there's a new little twist and...

Don't worry, I'm not obsessed.

No, no. You don't sound it at all(!)

Vogue!

That's not mine. I don't know how that got there.

Can you get on with your work, please?

I'm trying to buy some Christmas present...

I meant - I'm doing marking.

I thought I was the only one round here who read this.

You are, cos, like I said, it's not mine.

-You into haute couture or pret-a-porter?

-I'm easy.

You're new to all this, aren't you?

Don't Pret make sandwiches?

SHE LAUGHS

But some of that stuff is too mad to wear, surely.

And there's a cardigan on one page and it says it costs £300.

That has got to be a mistake?

So many questions, young Hobbit.

And there was one dress, and it had shoulders out here.

I mean, how can you get on the bus in that?

Oh. Well, this is my house. Bye.

Oh, OK.

Bye.

So, you'll come round Saturday, then?

-What for?

-To learn.

Everything.

Where are you going?

To Lisa James' house.

Oh, yeah. And I've got a date with Rihanna(!)

Hey.

All right? Come in. Fancy a drink?

Why not?

Champagne cocktail?

You're underage.

Um Bongo?

-That's gorgeous!

-Classic Dior. Look at this from the '70s.

You see how the lines are all the same?

Now, this is Italian Vogue. My favourite.

-You'd look amazing in that.

-Wouldn't anyone?

My mum loved to dress up. She always looked great.

What happened to her?

She ran off with this guy who's got his own roofing company.

Granny says they've got a baby together now.

-I'm sorry.

-Me too.

Now I live in a house full of blokes.

It's just so boring and grey sometimes.

Can I show you something?

Wow! Who made that?

Me.

I'd do it at school, but the Head won't let us do fashion tech.

How am I meant to be a designer if I can't even get any qualifications?

It's beautiful.

Maybe...

you should try it on?

What? No!

-Go on, try it on.

-I can't do that.

Who's going to have a problem with it?

Well, let's see -

my dad, my brother, the Head, the football team,

oh - and everyone else I know.

Not me.

I don't think there should be any rules.

I think we should all wear...

whatever we like.

Yeah, but whoever heard of a boy in a dress?

-We've got the Christmas things from out the shed.

-Oh, right.

Thought we could all do the tree together.

I used to do that with your mum.

I was on tinsel, she was on baubles.

Let's do it later, yeah?

Why don't you come to the semifinals?

-Can't remember the last time you saw me play footy.

-Oh, I can.

She came, too.

It was just before that...

so-and-so came to fix the roof.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-I'll get it.

Hello?

Lisa.

Yes, John, it's me.

SHE SIGHS Is Dennis in?

-Who?

-Your brother, Dennis.

Oh, yeah. Wait there.

HE COUGHS

He's out all day, but I'll tell you who's here, and that's me.

Little accident?

I thought we could hang around outside the chippy?

Throw things in the canal? Whatever you want to do, babes.

Oh, look - he's back.

-You ready?

-Sure. See you later.

Raise your game, son.

SEWING MACHINE WHIRS I've got something to show you.

Really?

Do you like it?

-I love it.

-I've been working on it all night.

I need to make a few adjustments.

Will you... put it on?

-Put on the dress?

-Yeah.

Oh. Unless, of course, you really don't want to?

No, no! I mean, if it helps you out...

"COME FLY WITH ME" ECHOES FAINTLY

HE LAUGHS

Why are you laughing?

You look incredible.

-How does it fit?

-Perfectly!

So, who did you make it for?

-You!

-What?!

Oh, I'm not stupid. I can tell you really wanted to wear one.

And you could totally pass for a girl,

with a few extra little touches.

-Do you really think so?

-You could go out in that.

Where?

-I dunno. Down the street? Into town?

-How about Raj's shop!

You would get away with it, I swear.

Yeah, but...

..we aren't actually going to do it, are we?

I'm scared.

Just be confident. The world is your catwalk.

This isn't a good idea. Raj knows me.

He knows Dennis. He's never met Denise.

-Who's Denise?

-SHE SIGHS

SHOP BELL JINGLES

Aha, Lisa, my favourite customer!

Who is your new friend?

This is my French exchange... person. Girl. Student.

-HIGH VOICE:

-Bonjour.

Je am... Denise.

Wilkommen! My shop is famous around the world.

Surely you've heard of it?

Non, Monsieur Raj.

You know my name! You must have!

How about commemorative postcards to send to your family back in France?

-They're blank.

-Yes, I know.

You can draw British landmarks on them with...

this set of colouring pens, priced just £4.99.

We'll just take this magazine.

RAJ CHUCKLES

Now, Denise, before you leave,

you must try our traditional British delicacies.

These Twixs came in fresh this morning.

Non, merci.

Le Munch De Monster, s'il vous plait.

Excellent choice, senorita.

-Bye, Raj. NORMAL VOICE:

-Bye.

-HIGH VOICE:

-Au revoir.

Ciao!

Peter. Perfect Peter.

Peter the poppet.

Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled pepper.

Wh-what exactly do you want?

Yeah, is Dennis ready for the semis?

-Well, he's...

-Do you know, Peter,

every time I pop by and accidently peep through your windows,

I can't help thinking that this house could do with a woman's touch.

-He's...

-So I've bought you some scatter cushions.

And a couple of photo frames.

And oh, look - who's this?

He's out. With that Lisa James girl from school.

I will find him. Stay strong.

SHE MEOWS

-That was hilarious!

-I know! So, when do we do it again?

How about never?

-What about the shopping centre? Tons of people there.

-No!

Lisa, where's Dennis?

The semifinals!

Er, Dennis?

He said to tell you, if I saw you,

like, um, I'm seeing you now,

to say that he...

will be home in five minutes.

Well, come on!

How can anyone run in these?

All right, speedy!

Where were you?

Doing weights.

Are you a fan of the rap music, Dennis?

Just say no.

MUSIC: Holiday by Dizzee Rascal

SHE RAPS ALONG

..come and see me.

..see me.

..so easily. Ooh...

Please, don't do that.

Eh eh eh-eh!

Look at him!

Oh, go back to Hogwarts.

Darv, is it weird wearing a patka on your head?

Nah, it's just a Sikh thing.

Yeah, I know, but you're the only boy at school who wears one.

It's no big deal.

And it would be boring if we were all the same, wouldn't it?

So, you're playing St Kenneth's.

Private school, state-of-the-art sports facilities,

and, let's face it, a better gene pool.

Now, on paper, things don't look very good...

..and, looking at you now, it's a lot worse.

You're always out of breath, you've got chubby legs,

and most of you are still waiting for your growth spurt.

Sorry, son, it's been and gone.

Right, come on. Put your hands in the middle.

Now lift them up.

-ALL:

-Whoosh.

That's supposed to help. I've got no idea how.

Come on, then.

Whoo! Come on, football! Oh! Oh! Oh!

-It's tails.

-Yes! Won the toss.

Once again, the captain leads from the front.

Gareth, we were all talking about penalties...

I'm the captain, I'm taking them.

Change ends!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Dennis.

To me.

Good luck.

Come on, Gareth!

WHISTLE BLOWS

CHEERING

WHISTLE BLOWS

Bad luck!

Strike it!

Yes!

What's happened?

We won.

-Really?

-Yes.

Pretty good.

You should stick to quidditch.

Dad! We won!

That's great. Well done.

So you didn't get a chance to put up the tree?

Oh. Sorry, son.

We're not doing Christmas this year. I just can't face it.

Dad, sometimes I think you choose to be miserable.

-Dennis!

-He does!

It's like you made a rule - you can never forget about Mum.

Well, it's not that easy.

-You have to break the rules sometimes.

-You can talk!

-What?

-He's got a picture of Mum under his mattress.

Bring it here now.

I thought I said no reminders of your mum in this house.

-But, Dad...

-This is going in the bin where it belongs.

It's my only one.

I don't care.

I'm going out!

KNOCK ON DOOR

Dennis?

-Are you OK?

-I want to wear the dress again.

What? Go back to Raj's?

No. I want to do something much bigger. Something crazy.

How crazy?

Really crazy.

MUSIC: Crazy In Love by Beyonce feat. Jay-Z

Who's this?

My French exchange student.

Bonjour.

Je m'appelle...

Denise.

She's from Paris.

I thought all the exchanges were from Marseille.

She's from Rue de Paris in Marseille.

Even if she is, nobody enters this school, of which I am the secretary,

without written permission.

Oh, I cleared it with the Head.

Then let's go to the office and check.

Now.

Sure. No problem.

I mean, it will look like you're questioning his authority,

but you know best.

Lisa James, you can talk to me until you're blue in the face,

but none of that is going to change the fact that I've

just decided it's all fine.

Off to your lessons.

How long are you staying?

Cool bangle. Is it from France?

Is it hard having to speak French all day?

Non.

Sit down, shut up.

You're new.

She's from France.

Oh, bonjour.

No, that's all I've got.

I'm Mr Norris.

I teach PE,

but they also make me take history.

You know much history?

No.

Good. Then you'll fit right in.

Start of the First World War. 1914.

The Prime Minister

was Winston Churchill.

Gareth. Gareth Small.

Captain of the football team.

Bonjour, Gareth.

Je too enjoy le football.

So, do you score all the goals?

I can't lie, babes. Yes, I do.

Yeah, he does. What of it?

Because I heard it is a boy called...

..Dennis.

Don't know who told you that.

Yeah, who told you that?

Everyone says it.

Yes, they say you are the one who miss all the penalties.

No, no, babes, I'm the star player. You must come and watch a game.

Don't come and watch a game.

Come on, Gareth!

Hey, Denise!

-Denise!

-Hey, Denise!

-This is just the best.

-I know.

-Dennis?

-Sh!

-What on earth are you doing?

-I'm just being someone else for the day.

-Are you nuts?

-It's fun.

It's not going to be fun when everyone finds out.

-You'll never live this down.

-Only you've recognised me.

So far! You've got to get changed.

Relax! I've got it all under control.

So, what's next?

Double French.

What? I'm getting out of here.

Bonjour!

-ALL:

-Bonjour, Madame.

--oiselle.

--oiselle Windsor.

Asseyez-vous.

Et vous, qui etes-vous?

Who are you?

This is Denise, she's my German pen pal, Ms.

I thought you said she was from France.

Good point. Thank you.

French pen pal.

Ah, soyez la bienvenue!

Quel grand plaisir

de vous accueillir parmi nous dans notre humble classe!

C'est tout simplement merveilleux!

J'ai tellement de questions a vous poser.

De qu'elle region de France venez-vous?

Comment sont les ecoles dans votre region?

Quel est votre passe temps favori? Que font vos parents?

Faites nous part de vos premieres passion de l'Angleterre?

May I speak in English for one moment?

Yes, of course.

How can I put this, how you say, politely?

Poliment! Poliment!

-Madame Windsor.

--oiselle.

I am very sorry, but I am not understanding

anything you are saying...

..because of your very poor French accent.

LAUGHTER

Do you need a tissue?

I'll be fine. I've just got something in my eye.

I'll step outside for a minute. My eye. L'oreille!

SHE WEEPS HYSTERICALLY

BELL RINGS

What was all that about?

Ms Windsor's one of the nice ones and you totally humiliated her.

You could have told me you had double French today.

I forgot. Sorry.

-There's nothing I can do now.

-Look out!

I don't know where he is.

He left the house this morning before me.

Bunking off, I presume.

That's not like Dennis. I'm worried about him.

I shall have to call your father.

Just let me have a quick look round first?

What do you think you're doing?

Coming over here, stealing our boyfriends?

I am not liking le Gareth in that way.

Girls fight over me all the time.

-ALL:

-Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

CROWD GASPS

Oh, my days.

Dennis?

Silence!

You.

-The boy in the dress.

-Sir, it's not his fault, I...

I said, silence.

Would you care to explain yourself, boy?

Why did you come to school today dressed in a...

..dress?

Don't know, sir.

"Don't know, sir."

You are expelled!

GASPS

-But, sir...

-There are no buts, boy!

But, Mr Hawthorn, you didn't expel Karl Bates

and he ate the school goldfish.

You are on a final warning, Lisa James.

Please, sir, I don't want to let my friends down.

It's the cup final on Saturday.

But, Dennis Simms, you will not play on Saturday

or any other day.

You are no longer a pupil at this school.

Leave the premises at once.

Expelled?

For wearing a dress?

And a wig.

Oh, and some earrings.

I'll never wear a dress, so you've only half failed.

Why?

I just want to know why.

I guess...

..it made me happy.

Go to your room and do your homework.

I've been expelled. I haven't got any homework.

Then just go to your room.

You can check my cupboard, if you like.

Just jeans and hoodies and...

KNOCK ON DOOR

He can't talk to you now, Darvesh.

Please, can you tell Dennis he's still my friend?

Your son always stuck up for me

and it's very important he knows that, whatever's happened,

he'll always be my friend.

PHONE BUZZES

Right, you're getting home-schooled from now on.

-But it's Saturday.

-I don't care.

I've circled Deal Or No Deal. That's your maths.

Pointless, general knowledge.

Antiques Roadshow, history, and I want them all watched

by the time I get back from the depot, thank you.

TV ON QUIETLY

Oh, no.

Peter!

Can we please talk about Dennis?

You've got between here and the lorry.

Dennis is... He's such a special boy.

I do hope you're not being too hard on him.

What if it was your son who went to school in a dress?

Oh, I don't think Darvesh would go to school in a dress.

He'd probably wear a salwar kameez.

Yeah, all right, a salwar kameez!

Well, you know, I'd...

Well, I'd...

See! You wouldn't like it either.

Peter, please, listen!

No, you listen to me for once!

All right, these are my boys and I'll bring them up my way.

And I don't need your stupid scatter cushions

and I certainly don't need your advice.

But you love your son whatever he does.

Don't you?

-ANNOUNCER:

-The Under-16s School Cup Final will kick off in 15 minutes.

15 minutes to kick off.

If they're under 16, then I'm Angelina blooming Jolie.

Mr Hawthorn, I need to talk to you about Dennis.

Lisa James, I am not interested in your pleading.

-But, sir...

-One more word and I will expel you too.

So, here we are. Cup Final day.

-ALL:

-Yes!

All right. I want you all to remember what got you here.

Luck

and a lad in a frock who got kicked out.

Now, the other lot, they've won the Cup the last three years

and I'm going to be honest -

they play dirty.

They'll hack you down, they'll elbow you in the face.

I'm just glad it's you and not me out there.

But remember one thing -

win or lose, you made it to a cup final,

which looks great on my CV.

Now get out there.

'With their main weapons knocked out of commission,

'the platoon now faced a far superior enemy force.

'The odds seemed insurmountable.'

Hiya, gang!

Got some bad news for you.

The referee has sprained his ankle.

Now, the stand-in referee's cat's died

and he's very upset. Sad face.

But the good news is you've got me! Yay! Happy face!

Now, I don't know if you know me. I actually teach drama.

To be honest with you, I don't know a huge amount about football,

but I've seen a couple of games on TV and how hard can it be?

Right. Heads or tails?

Heads.

Oh, heads it is!

Elm Forest to serve!

Oh, exciting!

Come on!

GROANS

HE SIGHS

We've got no chance without Dennis.

Shut up. We don't need him.

'With no protection offered by the inexperienced commander,

'the platoon was quickly crushed by the superior firepower

'of a German Panzer division.'

Red card!

Now, that wasn't nice, was it?

Say sorry.

Sorry.

Good boy. Now, deep breath.

Let out the anger.

Oh.

It's a massacre. You're the captain, do something.

You're right.

You boys are bringing shame on us all.

We need Dennis.

Get back out there and play, Gareth Small.

'Without reinforcements, defeat was imminent.'

WHISTLE BLOWS

And that's the game. Well done, gang.

It's half-time!

Sorry. My mistake. Interval!

The score is four points to nil.

'The troops were on the verge of surrender,

'but, at the last minute, a message arrived.'

PHONE BUZZES

HE SIGHS

Going to miss the Bake Off at this rate.

WIND WHISTLES

MUSIC: I Want To Break Free by Queen

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh!

Darvesh, you look gorgeous!

# I want to break free... #

Dennis! Come on, Dennis!

Go get them, girls.

Small! Get over here!

What on earth do you think you're doing, boy?

Sir, you expelled Dennis for wearing a dress,

but you can't expel us all.

# I've fallen in love

# I've fallen in love for the first time

# And this time I know it's for real

# I've fallen in love

Yeah

# God knows

# God knows I've fallen in love... #

Are they wearing dresses?

# I can't get over the way you love me like you do

# But I've got to be sure... #

Look after these.

# When I walk out that door

# Oh, how I want to be free, baby

# Oh, how I want to be free

# Oh, how I want to break free... #

Peter! Peter!

-Oh!

-Jaspreet.

-Oh, Peter!

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

I have been thinking about what you said.

You have to come with me.

-What? Now?

-Yes. Now! Something wonderful's happened.

Come on, John!

Oh, here we go again.

Peter, just look at your beautiful son.

Look at what he can do.

# But life still goes on... #

Go on!

# I can't get used to living without, living without, living without you

# By my side

# I don't want to live alone... #

4-4.

Oh, the drama!

# God knows

# Got to make it on my own

# So, baby, can't you see?

# I've got to break free. #

Come on, Dennis. Score one for me!

THUD

CROWD GROANS

-Penalty!

-Penalty.

-VOICES ECHO:

-Come on, Dennis.

-Come on, you can do it.

-Come on, Dennis.

-Hey.

-Dad, you came!

Go get 'em, son.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Good luck, Gareth.

It's yours, mate, if you're up to it.

CHEERING

# I want to break free... #

WHISTLE BLOWS

Oh, my word, it's Elm Forest!

Did we win?

We won?!

Yes! Yes! I knew it!

I knew you could do it! Yeah!

Somebody should sign that lad.

This is my son.

This is my boy.

That's my brother, that is.

And I love him...

..more than I can ever say.

How did you get to be so good, son?

How did you get so ruddy good?

How beautiful.

Not you, boy. You're not an Elm Forest pupil.

But I thought...

Well, you thought wrong. Now get off the pitch this instant.

Hey, you wouldn't have that cup if it wasn't for my Dennis.

Your son came to school wearing a dress.

I couldn't be prouder of him.

We all are.

Come on, love, let's go home.

Have you found a new school yet?

Not yet. I'm going to miss you.

I'm going to miss you too.

Come on, the new Vogue's out today. I'll buy you one as a present.

Aha, my favourite customers!

A very merry Christmas to you both.

-BOTH:

-Merry Christmas, Raj.

Dennis, I am so sorry to hear about your expulsion.

-Thanks.

-What is so wrong with wearing a dress, huh?

I often like to dress entirely in red Lycra

and pretend I am on Strictly!

HE SINGS THEME TUNE

It's no biggie!

Now, if only there was a way to reason with your headmaster.

-I've tried everything.

-Hmm. You could talk to his sister.

-His sister?

-Yes.

She comes here first thing every Sunday morning to buy her newspaper.

You could ask her to speak to him.

I guess it's worth a try.

Now, would you like to buy some of my special ice cream soup?

What's ice cream soup?

Something I invented while waiting for the freezer repair man to come.

It also has oven chips and fish fingers in it.

RAJ MUTTERS TO HIMSELF

This is silly. Who needs to go to the shops this early?

Think that's her?

She could be his sister. She's very tall.

And she's got enormous feet.

You don't think?

Mr Hawthorn!

Do you mean my brother?

Erm, he's at home dining on toast and eggs this fine morning.

It is you!

Children, my name is Harriet Hawthorn!

-Pleased to make your acquaintance.

-We know it's you.

Oh, all right. I'm Mr Hawthorn. What of it?

You're in... You're in a dress.

How dare you?! This is a blouse and skirt ensemble.

All right, a blouse and skirt!

Listen, being a headmaster is an extremely stressful job.

If I want to relax in my time off

wearing clothes I find... comfortable,

well, that's my business.

I was comfortable in a dress until you expelled me.

But you were breaking a school rule. It's completely different.

Oh, yeah, I bet all the kids at school will see it the same way,

when we tell them.

-Are you trying to blackmail me?

-No.

-Er, yes.

-Sorry, yes.

What do you want?

Dennis Simms. What do you think you're doing here?

Look at this. It's a monstrosity.

It's still school uniform. I just gave it a little reedit.

In all my years, I've never seen anything quite...

So very creative. Please.

What?

That's a very pretty frock you're wearing today, Miss Price.

Oh, thank you.

It's, er, just from the shop on the high street.

Do they stock it for the...

larger lady?

-You're back?

-Yeah.

-What about Hawthorn?

He, erm, came round to my way of thinking.

I'll see you later.

Oh, right, good luck.

-Miss?

-Oh. Oh, you're back.

I'm sorry I said you had a bad French accent.

You've actually got the best French accent out there,

and that includes all the ones in France.

Oh, do you really think so? Merci beaucoup, Dennis.

I must say, you pulled off that dress rather well.

-Tres a la mode.

-Thanks, Miss.

I've, er, I've written a play for the spring term

and there's a perfect part for you in it.

It's called Joan of Arc.

Can you guess who I want you to play?

-Joan?

-Correctement! Yes!

You see, she was a girl that wore boys' clothes.

So you would be a boy dressed as a girl dressed as a boy.

-That would really make people think, wouldn't it?

-I suppose.

Tres bien. It's all in French, by the way.

Hey.

This is yours.

I'm sorry.

I miss her too.

-John, you're not going to eat all that, yeah?

-Why not?

Well, because we've got guests coming for our little

-Christmas party.

-Who?

-Just some friends and, er, a lady friend.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Happy Christmas!

Happy Christmas to you, too.

Aren't you going to ask us in, then?

Oh, of course, come in, come in, come on. Through there.

-All right, Darvesh.

-All right?

Peter! You bad, bad boy!

Eh?

-ALL: Eurgh!

-Come on!

-Wow!

-Perfect, Peter.

-Yeah, don't start that.

Peter, OK, I'm starving. Got any mince pies?

Put that down!

I'm Dennis.

I live in an ordinary house, in an ordinary street

in an ordinary town.

I feel different. But, then, doesn't everyone?

Merry Christmas!