Grandpa's Great Escape

PLANES SCREAM

Apologies, Herr Hitler. Your bombers won't get through tonight.

MACHINEGUN FIRE

Taka-taka-taka...

HE IMITATES SWOOPING PLANE

One down. 17 to go.

Dad?

Oh, Dad, where are you?

Dad?

HE GASPS

TYRES SQUEAL

Oh, no.

GRANDPA IMITATES PLANES

There's my grandpa. But he wasn't always this confused.

Take this, Jerry! Taka-taka-taka-taka...

He was once the Royal Air Force's bravest Spitfire pilot.

That was during World War II

but our story takes place 40 years later, in the 1980s.

I wasn't like the other kids at school,

I didn't want a Rubik's Cube or a mullet.

I was happiest with my World War II model planes from Grandpa's stories.

The best day of the week was always Saturday -

that was the day that me and my sister Shelley would see Grandpa.

If we were really lucky, he would take us to the war museum.

It was him or me - I press on my machineguns.

The air was filled with bullets, smoke, fire, I'd hit my first

Messerschmitt, the Luftwaffe pilot who parachuted down, I let him be.

Then it was back to base and Grandpa would take us

on a top-secret mission.

Right, off we go, canopy secure?

-Check.

-Fuel gauge on full?

-Check.

-Up, up and away!

Up, up and away!

It was the happiest of times. Up, up and away!

But times changed.

Grandpa became more forgetful.

GRANDPA HUMS

He'd forget he'd made a cup of tea...

..and make another one.

KETTLE WHISTLES

So I tried to help.

Every week, I got his shopping.

Waiter, this is corked.

In spite of his medication, Grandpa wasn't getting any better.

In fact, he was getting worse.

Morning, Grandpa, time for your doctor's appointment.

We'll just wait for Peggy.

My dear wife Peggy, just getting ready.

She won't be a minute.

Peggy's not here, Grandpa.

She died during the war.

Did she?

My darling Peggy.

It's OK, Grandpa, I'll look after you.

I wish I could say my family helped with Grandpa,

but they had their own things going on.

This is my sister, she got older and was only interested in Duran Duran.

MUSIC PLAYS: Rio by Duran Duran

Marry me, Simon Le Bon.

Mum was a high roller in the beauty business.

Avon calling!

Dad worked for the council.

He always claimed he was head of road maintenance

but Mum said he was in charge of traffic cones.

It certainly was his favourite topic of conversation.

So guess where traffic cones were first used in the UK.

Nobody cares, Barry.

No, the correct answer is the M6.

Occasionally, it was like it used to be.

WAR FILM ON TV

How fast is that Spitfire going, Grandpa?

Top speed 360 miles an hour, near enough.

I'd give anything... anything to fly one again.

The funny thing was, Grandpa wasn't confused

when he talked about the war and that gave me an idea.

Good morning, Wing Commander.

Squadron Leader.

The medical officer wants to know if you've had your energy pills today?

Righty-ho, down the hatch.

I'd just pretend the war was still on.

Anything further from air command?

They want us to keep physically fit for the coming battle.

-Kick about in the park?

-Good call.

Which was fine - when it was just Grandpa and me.

But harder with all the family.

SISTER HUMS

Now, the story behind making traffic cones orange is a fascinating one.

-This tea's off.

-That's gravy, Dad.

Dad? You're not my son, my son's a little, little baby.

HE LAUGHS

Whatever next?

He's got worse, much worse. He'd be best off in a...

-WHISPERS:

-..home.

He is in a home, Mum. HIS home and he's happy there.

He's drinking from the gravy boat, Jack, the gravy boat!

-Wing Commander?

-Squadron Leader?

You're in the mess hall and the charlady...

-I beg your pardon?

-..has just served up your rations.

Oh, oh, I see, jolly good.

I don't know if you should be pretending it's the war, Jack.

What if he attacks that nice German lady who works in Bejam's?

SISTER SINGS OFF KEY

This food is diabolical.

Then we can have the charlady taken out and shot!

I'm trying to help.

So we tried to play along and that worked out for a while

until one night,

Dad found Grandpa sitting on the church roof.

Love? He's on the church roof this time.

I don't know how he got up there.

There's only one person who can get him down.

You are joking? This is a saga now.

We need Jack, you know how close he is to his grandpa.

It's too late.

Jack's got a geography test tomorrow

and I've got a ton of make-up to shift.

Or do you want a garage full of unsold Bucks Fizz eyeshadow?

I'm going to help Grandpa, Mum, it's up to you if you come or not.

Well, let me get this off first.

Come on, Mum!

MUSICAL HORN BLARES

MUSIC: Cars by Gary Numan

What time do you call this?

Mum, stop ruining everything for me.

We will have words later, young lady.

Are you Shelley's sister?

No, silly, I'm her mum but I know, I look young for my age.

And you must be...?

Dazza, but I do often get mistaken for Simon Le Bon.

Oh, yeah, I bet you do.

Mum?

I want you in bed in one minute.

Goodnight, Mrs Shelley's mum.

I can see you.

HE IMITATES SIREN

He's gone completely cuckoo.

Oh, Jack, help him, please.

What in St Peter's name is going on here?

MUSIC: Theme from The Omen

Get down off my roof, you vandal!

Think you're a good shot, hey? We'll see about that!

My father gets a little confused sometimes.

Confused? He's certifiable. What if he falls off?

I don't want to spend me morning scooping him up.

You want us to fetch the air rifle, Reverend?

-ALL: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Yeah, that'll bring him down.

-That worked for the pigeons, didn't it?

-No, please, just wait.

Wing Commander, this is base, over.

What? this is Wing Commander, reading you loud and clear.

Your mission has been a great success, return to base.

Roger that!

GRANDPA CHUCKLES

Oh, hang on, hang on, he's going to fall...

Oh. Well, I never.

Fall out, men.

Wing Commander, let me escort you to your transport,

there's drinks in the officers' mess.

Yeah, just the job, Squadron Leader.

HE GROANS

Oh, no, oh, no.

No, no, I'm fine. Shouldn't have eaten that pickled egg.

Poor soul.

I do bring a lot of comfort to the old and the infirm of the parish.

I'd love to help, if I could.

We just want what's best for us, I mean - him.

Yeah, I mean, there is the most wonderful care home nearby,

Twilight Towers.

RAVENS CAW

I don't think he'd like that.

Oh, no - it's heavenly, it's like Disneyland for coffin dodgers.

THEY CHUCKLE

Grandpa's not going in a home.

Yeah, trouble is, it's very often very, very full.

What a shame.

But then, I have a very good relationship with Miss Dandy,

what runs Twilight Towers, she just might be able to squeeze him in.

-Perfect.

-No!

No, we need to discuss this as a family first.

Might be too late but, yeah, of course.

Oh, yeah, why don't you take with you this, er, colour

brochure of Twilight Towers and this is for you, boy.

They say it's a little...gonk.

It's got googly eyes...

..just like your grandad.

That's lovely. Goodnight.

Oh, goodnight, God bless you, God bless you, obviously.

It looks lovely,

it's more like a hotel than somewhere you get put to die.

Charlady, this is the worst roast beef I have ever tasted.

It's not roast beef,

it's fish pie, and for the last time, I'm not your charlady.

Your son has something to tell you.

We had a new order of traffic cones in, they're reflective.

Barry!

You know we all love you very much?

But the thing is, it...

Spit it out, airman, choppity-chop.

After what happened last week, we thought it might be best if...

-If you came here to live with us.

-You what?

He could share my bedroom.

-Well, we can't cope with him here.

-Well, it's not a bad idea.

Er, he'd better not hog the bathroom,

-it takes me ages to crimp my hair in the mornings.

-I'm sorry, but...

I accept, though the catering had better improve.

I'll tell the charlady.

Where am I going, again?

Our house, Dad. You're coming to live with us.

On a trial basis.

Yeah, I live here, Peggy won't know where I've got to.

Son?

Wing Commander...

..due to enemy activity, the air commander wants you to

lodge at alternative quarters.

Why didn't they just say?

Charity shop, sale, rubbish, rubbish, rubbish, rub...

This is not rubbish.

Wing Commander? Let me take you to the tuck shop.

Oh, jolly good.

BELL RINGS

Ah-ha, my two favourite customers, Mr Bumting and Master Bumting.

It's Bunting.

Bumting, like I said.

Hello there, Quartermaster.

I have very special offer for today, 15 cans of...

..Quatro - for the price of 14.

Er, no thanks.

What has a hazelnut in every bite? Topic!

Or any of these other bars which melted in the window with it.

I'm quite partial to a Smartie.

Those I have, both - traditional and limited edition green ones.

Really, they're mouldy Revels.

Er, standard issue will be fine.

Er, you will find them

under the puzzle magazines next to the correcting fluid.

You look troubled, Master Bumting.

Grandpa's coming to live with us.

Splendid.

I just, I worry about whether it'll work out.

Do not fret, Indian families always take in the older generation,

it works without fail, even when Auntie Pia sings Wham Rap

at the top of her voice when I'm trying to watch the snooker.

Either Grandpa comes to live with us or he'll be sent to Twilight Towers.

Oh, no.

What?

Oh, no, no. I've heard very bad things about Twilight Towers.

-What?

-They say the only way out of that place is...

..in a coffin.

# Do you really want to hurt me... #

What a fine-looking woman.

We can't leave him in the house on his own.

No.

Well, what are we going to do?

Tomorrow's the launch of the Country Diary Of An Edwardian Lady

roll-on deodorant.

Well, I've got a really big day at work tomorrow,

I've got to test all the new traffic cones.

-Have I ever told you how I judge them?

-Many times.

Durability, colour, attractive shape.

Why did I marry you?

-Jack, you're going on a school trip tomorrow?

-Yep.

Well, you'll have to take Grandpa with you. Where are you going?

-War museum.

-Perfect.

You can take him along. He loves a bit of war.

Fine replicas, Squadron Leader.

I wish they were real.

The Spitfire's like nothing else,

you can turn on a sixpence.

Grandpa? When you...

Er, we need to listen out for enemy aircraft.

MUSICAL CAR HORN BLARES

TYRES SCREECH

That's Shelley's stupid boyfriend Dazza.

Mum, I mean, the air commander, says lights out by 9:00.

I hope you don't snore, I can't abide snorers.

-I don't think I do.

-Well, goodnight, Squadron Leader

and thank you for sharing your quarters, very decent of you.

Glad to help, sir. Goodnight.

HE SNORES

ENGINES ROAR

Right, everyone, Rubik's Cubes down! Eyes up, looking!

Looking!

I want to remind everyone that this is an educational trip,

we will not have a repeat of the tomfoolery at the zoo...

I don't want to find a live penguin in Gavin Macey's rucksack!

Got that?

Good.

You're not in year six, why are you here?

He's my grandpa, Miss.

Yeah, I can surmise that.

He was a Spitfire pilot in the war.

Well, if he promises to be educational, he can come.

Thank you, Miss.

Now, everyone has a questionnaire...

ALL GROAN

And nobody is allowed in the gift shop

until it has been filled out and that is a fact, am I clear?

ALL: Yes, Miss Verity.

Good. And here's yours, coach driver. Neatest handwriting, please.

Right, everyone off, please, no talking, no laughing, no dawdling.

Oi, you lot, don't climb on the tanks.

I've been here before.

Yes, you have, many times. You took me, Grandpa, do you remember?

What's my Spitfire doing hanging from the ceiling?

-What's wrong with your grandad?

-Nothing.

These, these pilots are very young.

New recruits.

Ah.

Oh, I see.

How are you getting on? Are you stuck?

The stupid answer's not on the stupid board.

I can help you with that. I was there.

You see, the Nazis wanted to bomb the life out of us,

so they could invade and take us over.

Herr Hitler sent huge squadrons of Junkers

and Messerschmitts over the coast, the sky was black with them.

AIRCRAFT DRONE

RAF pilots had to stop the Nazi bombers from getting through -

we were young and frightened, not,

well, not that much older than you are.

My squadron was the first to be scrambled up, up and away.

I pushed my Spitfire past 300mph.

Wow.

It... You see, they outnumbered us, oh, four to one,

so to stand any chance, we had to get above them before they got here.

We waited up there until the enemy were so close

we could see the swastikas on their tails and then I gave the order...

..DIVE!

SHE CLEARS THROAT

When did all this happen, exactly?

Sorry?

The children need dates for the exam. Facts, facts and more facts.

Facts are all that matter.

Oh, well it was, er, yeah, last Monday.

ALL CHUCKLE

I hardly think so!

No, no, oh, no, no, sorry - I tell a lie, er, last, er, last Sunday.

All right, settle down, everyone.

The Battle of Britain was not last Sunday, it took place

between July and October 1940, make a note of that, class.

That's what I'm saying!

Jack, I'm sure your grandfather means well

but he is a very old and confused man.

Hey, maybe he did do something during the war,

but I very much doubt that he was a Spitfire pilot.

He was.

Can I have a word? In private.

You grandfather is not welcome on any more school trips.

But Miss!

That is a fact.

Right, class, this way, please!

Turn to question 98 in your questionnaire...

Grandpa?

-Grandpa!

-Psst!

Up here, Squadron Leader.

What are you doing up there?

Looking for my log book, I wanted to prove that awful woman wrong.

It's wonderful to be back in my plane again,

they won't mind if I took her for a spin, would they?

Um, I think they might.

Oi, what are you playing at?

Look out, it's the SS.

STIRRING MUSIC

Code... Man, man in a plane, repeat code - man in a plane.

Take him down, Squadron Leader.

ALARM BELL RINGS I'll make a break for it.

I can't take him down, he's ginormous.

That is really hurtful.

BOTH GROAN

Jack! You tell your grandfather to come down this...

BOTH GROAN

-..instant.

-You fell on my face!

Run for it!

MUSIC: Just Can't Get Enough by Depeche Mode

# When I'm with you, baby

# I go out of my head

# And I just can't get enough

# And I just can't get enough

# All the things you do to me

# And everything you said

# I just can't get enough

# I just can't get enough

# And when it rains

# You're shining down for me

# I just can't get enough

SIRENS WAIL # I just can't get enough. #

Sugar.

We've been sat in here waiting for ages.

Yes... Classic Gestapo mind games.

Prisoner of war camp for me, as long as it's not Colditz.

I won't let them take you away.

Sorry I've let you down, old chap.

You didn't and you never will.

Mum, Dad, you can't let Grandpa be thrown into prison.

Well, it's not up to us, the police told us what happened.

Your grandfather damaged a very valuable plane.

MUSIC: Theme from The Omen

I don't think there'll be any need for prison.

Let me make a call for you, shall I?

Oh, thank you, Reverend.

CHUCKLES

We are so pleased to see you.

Hello, Miss Dandy? Yeah, it's me.

I have a gentleman here in desperate need of help.

No, well, I can sort everything here with the duty sergeant

at the police station but might you,

as a huge favour to me, be able to squeeze him in to Twilight Towers?

Colditz.

She's gone to find out.

Oh, she's... She's coming back, that's quick, innit?

Oh, you can, oh, you can, oh, that's marvellous,

you're a life-saver, Miss Dandy.

Thank you.

Oh, rejoice, rejoice.

Thank you so much, Vicar. You are a good man.

Oh, thank you, thank you. Anything for my flock.

-But..

-Would you rather he went to prison, boy? Huh? Huh?

No...

CHUCKLES

DOGS BARK IN THE DISTANCE

You enjoying your toad in the hole, Dazza?

Oh, delicious, Mrs Shelley's mum.

I think it might be the nicest dinner I've ever had.

Oh.

A bit OTT?

Is that my beer?

He's our guest, Dad?

Can we go and see Grandpa after dinner?

No, Jack, he'll be too busy in his new place.

All those baskets to weave.

Shelley tells me you work at the garage?

Yeah, I used to be YTS but they took me on full time

because an Austin Princess fell on Mark Lansom's leg!

Oh, that was a stroke of luck.

So, don't tell me, you must be a model.

No, but I have been known to grace the cover of the Avon brochure.

Mum!

Oh, you'll have to give me one.

I'll stick it on the wall at work, next to Linda Lusardi.

Absolutely not!

-Let me see if I can find you one.

-Mum!

-Oi, Barry, do us a favour.

-What?

Get rid of all the traffic cones between my gaff and work!

That would be against the traffic cone code of conduct.

I bet that's interesting reading!

Ah.

How do we know if Grandpa's too busy?

He needs a rest, love.

We didn't want to tell you, son, but Grandpa has a...

..weak heart.

But...he's going to be all right?

I do kung fu.

How wonderful for you.

Yeah, I'll teach you if you like, junior, learn from the master.

Oh.

No, thanks.

Well, you ever get in trouble, you know where to come.

I'm like a kung fu expert, I've seen Enter The Dragon 17 times.

Wow.

Yeah.

Um, I've got to go up and do my homework.

Homework?

DAZZA SPLUTTERS I never bothered with homework.

Which I deeply regret, because you should always,

always do your homework.

You know, unless Knight Rider's on.

He's had three. He's had three.

SINISTER SCORE

GONG

LOCKS BANG

What?

Er, hello, I was hoping to visit my grandfather.

We're closed for visitors.

Please.

Matron!

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

Urgh.

RAVENS CAW

Can I help you, boy?

I'm here to visit my grandfather, Mr Bunting.

Oh, the new arrival.

We'll, he'll just have had his yummy pills

and now he'll be having his super snooze.

Is he all right? We're really close.

Really? Because he hasn't mentioned you.

Nurse Blossom, Nurse Rose,

has Mr Bunting mentioned his grandson at all?

BOTH: Nah.

No, I think Grandpa's forgotten all about you.

No, he can't have.

Visiting hours are between 3:00 and 3:15 every alternate Sunday.

Until then, kindly bog off.

GATE BOOMS

Right, it's time to go, everyone. Hurry up.

I've barely touched my Viennetta.

Come on, Shelley, we need to go visit Grandpa.

I'm not coming, I've got to tape the charts.

And I need to test this lip liner on next door's cat.

Oh, come on, Mum.

Oh, I don't know, look at all the balloons.

MUSIC: The Birdie Song by The Tweets

Welcome, welcome.

Are you having a party today?

Every day is party day at Twilight Towers.

Oh, come in and see for yourself.

MUSIC CONTINUES

Yes, we do like to give the old folk the very best time.

I mean, we can't be sure how much time they've got left.

Which reminds me, did you bring Mr Bunting's documentation,

the passport, the driving licence, the will?

Yes, yes, of course.

Put them all in the study with the rest of them, please.

Well, what a lovely visit, we'll see you again in two weeks.

Where's Grandpa?

He's very, very tired, he didn't want to see you.

I don't believe you.

Nurse Blossom!

Will you fetch Mr Bunting?

You're a very demanding boy.

Dad?

Dad?

Are you there?

We bought you a soap on a rope.

-I've got your favourite sweets.

-Oh, he's fast asleep, bless.

What have they done to you?

Um, I think I might take Grandpa out into the garden,

the air might perk him up a little bit.

All clear, Wing Commander.

Sorry about that, Squadron Leader, er, I'll have those now.

Er, had to pretend to be asleep, the guards here in Colditz,

they force feed us sleeping pills.

We get given them morning and night.

Luckily, I managed to hide mine under my moustache.

Three nights ago, I undertook a reconnaissance mission.

I saw the Kommandant doing something very strange with a pile of papers.

I leave all my worldly goods to...

She must be forging the wills, taking all the money.

Then I found a room with valuables in it.

And a number of coffins.

Could there be some mysterious connection?

I'm not sure it's that mysterious.

Well, since then, they've increased the patrols.

FOOTSTEPS THUD

We have to break you out.

Too right, we do, but the trouble is they're suspicious,

they've increased my sleeping pill dose as well,

my moustache isn't big enough to hide them all, look, see,

they're like sweets, they don't taste as nice.

Then why not take these instead? You could switch them.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, genius.

Raj had a special offer, 11 tubes for the price of 12.

Yes, you're going to have to work on your maths, Squadron Leader.

-No, these are just the ticket.

-What else do you need?

Well, any escape attempt requires string, lots of string.

String.

Do you have a Browning revolver?

-Er, no.

-Arsenic?

-I don't think so.

-Flame-thrower?

-Tricky.

Then, just make sure you've plenty of string.

More string. When will we do it?

Well, I've to finish my map, compile a weather report

and I'm halfway through a jigsaw of Big Ben at twilight.

There's quite a lot of sky to fill in.

Tomorrow night?

Now, Squadron Leader, are you sure you volunteer for this mission?

It will be dangerous.

-I'll be here.

-Brave chap.

Ah, there you are!

Still nattering 31 seconds

after visiting hours have actually finished.

Gramps, you must be exhausted.

What you really need now is a very long nap.

-See you soon, Dad.

-Take care.

Don't worry, I shall be keeping a very close eye on him day and night.

MUSIC PLAYS: Girls On Film by Duran Duran

Why wouldn't you come and see Grandpa?

-Shut up, you're talking over Duran Duran.

-I don't care.

Blah, blah, blah, I'm Simon Le Bon

and I've got a stupid French name, even though I'm from Pinner.

Why don't you care about Grandpa any more?

I did care about him, I did, but he's not Grandpa any more,

he's someone else, it's scary.

No.

He's still Grandpa and he cares about us like he always did...

..even if you don't.

MUSIC PLAYS: 9 To 5 by Dolly Parton

# It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it... #

-Dazza?

-Oh. hello.

MUSIC STOPS

You said if I was ever in trouble, you'd teach me kung fu.

Yes, grasshopper, er, listen to the master.

So the secret of kung fu is that you have to hit

someone as hard as you can and shout kung fu.

All right, kung fu!

So...you don't know kung fu?

-Great. Don't tell Shelley I've been here.

-Well, where are you going?

To see Grandpa, but don't tell her that.

-Do tell her or don't tell her?

-Don't.

Don't do tell her or do don't tell her?

THUNDER RUMBLES

OWL HOOTS

HE GRUNTS

Twit-twoo!

..Event of my inevitable death, the sole beneficiary...

Me.

Grab it.

-It's made from...

-Ladies' knickers, yes.

Where did you get them all?

Well, well, they're not mine, if that's what you're trying to say.

-Come on.

-I'm not going to escape in my pyjamas - the shame!

We don't have long!

Wing Commander! Ready?

Er, absolutely. Just one little thing...

HE WHISTLES

Orderly fashion, please.

How many people have you got up there?

Er, not more than 20. I...I shared out my Smarties.

But, Grandpa!

No buts. It's every British prisoner of war's duty to escape.

Right, everybody, who's first?

Would you put the kettle on? I'm parched.

Would anyone like a game of contract whist?

Oh, this is hatch is too small.

Excuse me - is there a powder room in the vicinity?

I beg your pardon?

I wish to visit the lavatorium.

I'm desperate for a wazz!

You'll just have to hold it in for a little while, madam, for King

and country.

Come on! What are you doing?

There's no need to be irate, dear.

-What did he say?

-You all have to get down now.

Where are we going?

We could be down already, if you stopped barking at us.

I can't do it, I can't abide heights.

Well, it's just like riding a bike.

I've never ridden a bike. Perhaps if YOU could show me...

Very well.

SHE MUTTERS

-I didn't mean leave me.

-I'll catch you.

-Do you promise?

-Absolutely.

Well, in that case...

..here I come!

SHE GROANS

You see?

Nothing to worry about.

My foot's caught in the gusset!

Oh, dear.

-Did she see you?

-No, I think I got away with it.

AIR RAID SIRENS WAIL

Quick, head east-northeast.

Well, that way.

We'll never make it past the searchlights.

You will if we create a diversion.

Come on find them, find them... Find them now!

Over here!

Ah, I should've known.

A mass escape attempt with you as the ringleader.

It was all my idea. Please let Grandpa go.

This young chap had nothing to do with it,

I claim full responsibility.

Oh, shut up. Do you know what this is?

-Looks like a toasting fork.

-It's a cattle prod!

-Where'd you get that?

-It was a birthday present.

That's a funny sort of birthday present.

-It's what I asked for!

-Pfft.

It can knock a man out cold...

SIZZLES

Torture is strictly forbidden on prisoners of war.

You'll never dare use it.

Which one of you was responsible for dishing out the sleeping

pills this afternoon?

Me, Miss.

WAILS

-It's a chap!

-Yes, hadn't you noticed?

No, and I've been caught out a few times before, come to think of it.

Get them. Go on.

Kung fu!

Oh!

It works.

Well done, Squad... He's a chap, as well.

-Charge, recharge!

-What shall we do now?

Well, we've got to keep them away from the POWs.

-Let go of my foot!

-So up here!

Let go!

SHE HUMS

Where now?

I haven't thought that far ahead.

We're not giving up without a fight, Herr Kommandant.

Kommandant?

I think you must've lost what remains of your tiny mind.

The war was over 40 years ago.

You're nothing but a sad... little...old man.

SIZZLES

Oh, sorry...

..but I really am bursting for the loo.

Ah! You're picking those up.

Yes, excuse me.

Come here!

AH!

She's out cold. We have to escape while we can.

We can't leave without Miss Trifle.

How much longer are you going to be?

I can't go at all, if you're listening in.

Oh, there's only the cheap, scratchy paper.

Well, yeah, well, you'll have to make do, madam, there's a war on.

TOILET FLUSHES

Um, er, I'd leave it a few moments, if I were you.

Follow me.

How did you get the cricket bat?

There's no way out.

I've got an idea, something Raj told me.

What?

That there's just one way out of here, this way.

MUSIC: Two Tribes by Frankie Goes To Hollywood

That's made me angry.

I've got a plan but we need some wheels.

Wheels? I know just the place. You look after Miss Trifle.

Come out, come out.

# When two tribes go to war... #

-Stop pushing!

-I'm not pushing.

There's no need to be rude.

Mission accomplished. I've got the roller-skates.

So now we have to attach them here and here.

Bolt the doors! No-one escapes!

-HALT!

-What did he say?

-Stop!

You see?

For a good old-fashioned escape, you always need plenty of string.

I hope you're not going to ask me to sit in that coffin.

Oh, I, absolutely not, madam.

-Thank goodness.

-I'm ordering you.

I'm doing it, but under duress.

You too, Wing Commander.

Hold on a second, I've left something under my mattress.

-We don't have time!

-I must have it.

So...is your grandfather single?

Um, I think so, why?

No reason.

What are you two nattering about?

BOTH: Nothing.

Ready?

Oh, my goodness, it's a coffin toboggan!

It's a coffboggan!

-Stand your ground!

-Geronimo!

Oh, oh, can we do it again? Again!

Yeah, tempting, madam, but now's not the time.

Come on, what are you waiting for? Get up and chase them.

Or do you want me to, to shock you into it?

Shocks...

SHE SHRIEKS

AIR RAID SIRENS

-You made it.

-I don't know how we'll get over.

What are we going to do?

I'm sorry, I don't know, we're trapped.

-What we really need is...

-A ladder?

Yeah, that's right, yeah... Who said that?

Shelley!

All right, wrinklies, over we come.

Chop chop, we ain't got all day.

I know you, don't I?

Shelley Bunting of the Women's Airforce Auxiliary Service

reporting for duty, sir.

I was missing in action but I'm back now.

Good to have you here, Shelley. Very good indeed.

Right, fine work, people but we need to find a safe haven,

so fall in and by the left, quick march. Left, right...

MUSIC: Colonel Bogey March

Company...halt!

We will report Miss Dandy to the authorities.

And have a nice cup of tea.

Perhaps the police would like a game of gin rummy.

This has been the most exciting night of my life.

Just doing my duty.

My hero.

ROMANTIC MUSIC

Back to base?

-Actually, I'm feeling quite peckish.

-Raj's will be open.

MUSICAL HORN BLARES

Anyone want a lift?

Oh, oh.

MUSIC PLAYS: Hungry Like The Wolf by Duran Duran

What, don't you have any proper music?

-Er, this is proper music.

-I've got some Spandau Ballet.

Spandau Ballet?!

Mr Bumting, you escaped!

Of course we did, for King and country.

Oh, this is a cause for celebration.

Take whatever you want, anything at all.

-Thank you.

-Yes, most kind.

That'll be £3.20.

-Mum will be up soon.

-But...

We'd better go home, I mean, to our quarters.

Absolutely not, the Luftwaffe could strike at any moment.

It's bedtime, Grandpa.

The Nazis won't be asleep. Get me to my Spitfire,

I need to take to the skies!

Er, Mr Bumting?

It would greatly help the war effort, er,

if you could, er, put these spicy Nik Naks on that shelf.

Oh, of course, Quartermaster.

He's got worse. It's all my fault.

I pretended the war was still on.

No, Jack, you have always been a wonderful grandson. The best.

Please, please, can you get through to him?

Jack, I've known your grandfather for a long time.

He's not a well man.

I know, he has a weak heart.

Then why not let him have one final flight?

This, please.

So, Wing Commander, let's get you to your plane.

Not before time.

Where next, lads?

War museum, please.

I bought this record. Put it on the gramophone.

MUSIC PLAYS: The Dam Busters Theme

Good job I'm an irresponsible teenager, otherwise I'd be

telling you what a really bad idea this is.

We're only stealing a Spitfire, nothing to worry about.

There's not been a single day I haven't dreamt of flying you again.

Ready, co-pilot?

You're taking me?

Of course, we're a team.

Ooh.

MUSIC: Wild Boys by Duran Duran

Just one thing missing...

This is for you, Squadron Leader.

This is yours, you can't give me this.

Nobody deserves it more than you do.

Thank you, sir.

Canopy secure?

Check.

-Propeller set to low?

-Check.

-Fuel gauge on full?

-It's empty.

We're going to have to get out and push.

I'm so going to get grounded for this.

2,031...slight scuffing.

Damn it, er, pay for that.

I don't think my Griffin Savers Account's quite that flush.

We'll have to requisition the fuel. It's for the war effort,

they'll understand.

It's the Spitfire, that's my Spitfire.

I think you'd better get back in the plane.

Yes, you're right there, Squadron Leader.

Code Spitfire in a garage, repeat, code Spitfire in a garage.

ENGINE STARTS

We've got to take off now.

Call the police, call the A Team.

Stop that plane! Stop!

We need a clear runway.

They aren't going to make it.

PLANE APPROACHES

Dad?

Plane coming through.

Plane coming through. Stop!

Jack? Don't be late for school!

Up, up and away!

Up, up and away!

It's amazing.

Nothing better. Would you like to take the controls?

Really?

Why not? All yours, Squadron Leader.

Wow.

They've never made a plane quite like her.

Do you want to take her for a loop-the-loop?

-Can I?

-Of course, like this.

Wahoo!

Can we stay like this forever...

-..Wing Commander? Just you and me?

-What's to stop us?

Jerry's got a brand-new plane, I see.

-They want us to land.

-We'll never surrender!

This is Harrier Red Leader, you're in restricted air space.

Land or we will fire.

That was a warning shot.

Land immediately or we'll shoot you down.

You won't catch me.

Grandpa, you have to listen to me.

We're not at war with Germany any more, they're British planes,

we have to land now. I, I don't want us to be shot down.

What... Jack?

Yes.

My grandson?

That's right, Grandpa.

You've been wonderful to me, Jack, the best grandson there could be.

But you've got to bail out now.

What about you?

I haven't long left, Jack, dodgy ticker and all that and,

and up here I'm the person I want to be,

I don't want to be the person I am down there, not anymore.

I don't want you to die.

As long as you love me, Jack, I can never die.

I'll always love you.

But I don't want to leave you. I won't!

Sorry, Squadron Leader, I'm pulling rank.

Up, up, and away!

Up, up, and away.

BELLS TOLL

Jack, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you, Raj.

Er, is it true they never found the plane or your grandfather?

Yes.

It's an empty coffin. We don't know where he is.

He's looking down on us all, I'm sure.

Your father was always very proud of you, Mr Bumting.

Me?

Said you were the finest cone counter there was.

Jack, er, I owe you an apology.

I've researched your grandfather and he did lead a team of brave

young men in the Battle of Britain, that is a fact.

-He was a hero.

-He certainly was.

Your grandpa would have saved thousands of lives on the ground.

Thank you, Miss Verity.

Yes, well...

-SHE CLEARS THROAT

-..I have also written up a questionnaire on the history

of the church, so, er, let's crack on with that.

There's one for you, sir, if that's OK?

Er, just try and keep your, er, writing in the lines.

DOOR CLOSES

Not many bums on seats today.

The deceased can't have had too many friends.

THEY CHUCKLE

COMMOTION OUTSIDE

Oh, Lord.

Oh, shuffle along, shuffle along.

Right, is that everyone now? Can we finally begin?

Er, there should be a few others actually so, er...

Gentlemen, by the left, quick march.

I tracked them down, to invite them.

All these men served with Grandpa in the war.

This...is his squadron.

Welcome, it's a great honour to have you here, gentlemen.

And you must come round to ours afterwards.

I've laid on a lovely cold spread.

-Come on.

-And I'll have a range of musky body sprays on special.

No, they don't want any body spray.

Finally, we can begin. Music, maestro, please.

PLAYS OFF KEY

Ha, right.

We are here to mourn the passing of someone very special.

We are all going to miss insert name here very much.

He was born in insert place here in the year insert year here.

I'm sure we all has lovely memories of him...

And who could forget

the time he insert heart-warming detail here, to make it personal...

Stop the funeral!

Oh, thank God for that.

He is Miss Dandy from Twilight Towers.

Or she's him, they're the same person.

-That's absurd.

-He's a crook who forges wills.

He, he's crackers, he is. He's crackers, just like his grandad.

And they're the nurses.

Nonsense, they deny it, don't you? Deny it, deny it.

We were made to do it.

I'll confess everything. I'm too pretty for prison.

You stole our jewellery.

You drugged us.

You locked up the playing cards, so we couldn't play strip poker.

Yeah, well, at least I knows how to enjoy money!

What's the point in having cash if you're all completely gaga, hey?

I'll show you gaga!

-Go on, then!

-You!

Don't hurt me.

I have a very low pain threshold.

Yeah, kung fu!

ALL GASP

So what if I forged a few wills?

So what if I posed as a vicar to lure the old people into the home?

All I wanted was a holiday home in Mustique. Is that too much to ask?

Huh?

Is church always this exciting? I'll have to come more often.

ALL BOO

I'll be back. I'll be back.

ALL JEER

CHORAL REQUIEM

That was incredibly brave, Jack.

-Me and your dad are very proud of you, and you, Shells.

-Yeah.

I'll let you say goodbye.

SPITFIRE'S ENGINE

Grandpa!

Oh, oh!

GRANDPA CHEERS

I would see grandpa every night,

just at the time I was falling asleep.

Now I have a child of my own,

I tell her all about the adventures of my grandfather and every night

we see him too, flying his Spitfire across the sky he kept safe for us.

Up, up, and away.

Grandpa was right - as long as you love someone, they can never die.