Auction 4 O'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle

# What you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Wash that stress out like it was shampoo

# You should stay, it can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line it's time for the show to stop

# So the only time is now, 4 o'clock. #

Ah! Nathan!

Ow! What is wrong with you?

I'll tell you what's wrong with me. What is all this stuff?!

Hey, hey, careful, man!

Those are the turntables DJ Yowser gave me!

THE DJ Yowser.

Hey, hey! Never touch the needle.

Don't worry, I'm not. It's not 1986! Get 'em out.

Those are collectors' items!

-Only thing they're collecting is dust!

-You can talk!

I can hardly get to my clothes cos of all your junk.

-What is this stuff? GASPS:

-Mr Huggles!

Look, what I'm trying to say is

one day all this stuff will need to go where it's meant to be.

In a bin bag.

MUTTERS: I'll stick you in a bin bag.

THEY PLAY GREENSLEEVES OUT OF TUNE

OK! Good.

It needs some work, but that's why we're here.

Why don't you all turn to page 17 in your books?

OK, well, it's going to be quite difficult,

but I think you're going to like this one.

I thought if we can get it done properly,

we could do it for the parents' assembly next week.

So, if you can all take a look at it tonight...

-RAPS:

-I been two years here,

Nothing ain't changed, wonder how it used to be back in the day

When a four-string bass really had four strings

When the little jingle bell had a few more rings

The clarinet kinda sounds like an old cow

The triangle's not even a triangle now

Tragic, this is like a granddad's attic

If it's ever going to change it's going to need magic

Or a dude on a mission

Someone with a super-clever view or a vision

It's the only room in school with a heart and look at it

The whole place falling apart

If it was up to me this room would be an arena

The kids would perform, Byron would be the cleaner

And we'd party from sun up to sunset

Have the whole world dance to my drum kit.

Miss!

GIRL SCREAMS

BELL RINGS

OK, file out slowly, please, everyone. Don't run!

Fire!

OK, can we all stay in our lines, please?

We should only be a few more minutes.

Miss, can I be real to you for a sec?

As opposed to...

Your music class is probably the only one

where I've never listened to my iPod, eaten nachos,

or made farting noises using hand suction and body parts.

High praise, indeed.

But the equipment is so old

so it's kind of like an ancient history class!

-How about we get some new equipment?

-Everybody back in!

Check it out, it's the XL700.

A drum machine that you can programme beats into it

and link it up to a computer.

It's not that simple. £600!

Actually, it's £599.99.

Well, you seem to have done the maths,

maybe you can calculate how we get to that amount from zero.

Oi, funny, innit?

What is?

How you're always tidy at work, but you're messy at home.

It's called priorities.

I couldn't imagine if a rubber went missing(!)

Look, I had an idea.

One big communal rubber?

No, you lead head, about raising money.

Since when were you into doing anything charitable?

Since Teneisha's keyboard turned into a barbecue.

The music department needs love... and cash.

I need to raise money for some new kit.

So now you want to raise money? How?

Breakdancing for change?

HE CHUCKLES

43, 44, 40...

17, 21, 80, 82, 95.

Do you remember that programme with those crusty old dudes

that were buying items with arm signs and...

Bargain Hunt? You said it was like watching Grandad Yoga.

Yeah, but imagine if it was for young cool people.

Maybe even people in your age group.

And all the money goes to the music department?

-Like an auction?

-What's an auction?

-It's what you just described.

-Oh, OK, so you can help me?

-Why would I do that?

-Miss Poppy'd like it.

-Shut up.

-She would! She likes you.

Plus, you're always going on about how you need to make an impact here.

This is your chance!

Or you could spend the rest of your days counting rubbers.

56, 72, 94...

RAPS: What's the point in being here if I never make a difference?

What's the point of speaking clear if nobody ever listens?

Do I wanna be a mouse or a man who believes

Cos I feel like I got whiskers and an obsession with cheese

Got a brother who's a kid and bigger go-getter than me

And I'm busy losing count here on rubber 23

Am I a fraud when I scrawl my name on the whiteboard?

Saying I'm a grown-up? Maybe I should own up

Come clean, tell the whole school the truth

That I'm a youth in an old man's shoes

That our mum makes the same boxed lunch

And I sleep in a lame top bunk

Not a boy any more I'm a man now

Time to act like the teacher I am now, no time for chit-chat

Just act quick and get back out there

Nathan, make an impact!

It's a great way of raising money for the department.

Who's getting money for their department?

It's for the music room, it's pretty run down.

Have you seen the ICT room?

There's only one keyboard left with all the letters.

We were thinking specifically just music room.

-If there's any cash, Year 7s could use a bit.

-They could.

Hold on. This is something I wanted to discuss with Mr Byron.

-What was?

-His idea to hold an auction

-to raise money for the school.

-Hmm, an auction.

-We could do it at the next parents' assembly on Friday night.

-Yeah...

Selling what, precisely?

Um, well... How about selling us?

We could be on sale for different things

like 18 holes with you at your golf club.

-Oh, if I must.

-Piano lessons with me.

Miss Andress could design you a website, and Mr Carter...

-..could be your butler for 24 hours.

-Butler? Why am I a manservant?

We'd all be servants to some extent.

-Yeah, but I'll literally be one.

-There may be something in this.

Great. Let's do it.

Thinks on her feet, that one.

If only more of us could be a bit like that.

-How come you missed ICT?

-G & T, my friend.

Gifted and Talented.

They've put me in an advanced learning class.

I've been in one of them.

When they take you out of class and you get, like, Play-Doh?

Well, congratulations.

Now you can hang out with those cool, super-smart kids

who always make jokes about algebra and snort milk when they laugh.

You're just jealous

of my brains, my good looks, my success with women...

Women? Yeah, right!

OK, so how come the new girl's blatantly been giving me the eye?

She's out of your league.

I bet you haven't even talked to her.

I will though.

-She doesn't speak English.

-Why, where's she from?

-Madagascar.

-Really?

-Yeah. I heard some girls talking about her.

-There you go.

How are you going to talk to her now...genius?

Well, um...

Tell you what,

you could start by saying...

by saying, "Tiggy wappo".

-Excuse me?

-Yeah, yeah.

That's how they say hello in Madagascar. "Tiggy wappo".

-How'd you know that?

-Discovery Channel.

What would you care?

You've not got the guts to speak to her anyway.

OK, fine. I'll show you the true meaning of gifted and talented.

Tiggy wappo? Where did you learn that?

I didn't. I'm pranking him, man. He thinks he so smart...

Let's see how smart Sharmilla thinks he is!

Know what I mean?

No.

Hey, some good ideas there.

I don't know if I can be the butler.

I really need these kids to respect me.

You can't back out now, I bet you will raise tons of cash.

-I don't know.

-Come on, there's nothing to be afraid of.

We'll put you in a swanky suit, you'll get snapped up.

Probably by some gorgeous girl.

Hey. Er... Tiggy wappo?

THEY GIGGLE

Hmm. Maybe you should work on your accent.

It did say it was one of the tougher to learn.

Oh, yeah?

What else did it say?

Tell you what, let me watch it on Catch Up tonight,

-I'll give you gold tomorrow.

-Thanks, man.

-Hey, bruv.

-Hey.

-How did it go with Byron and the auction idea?

-OK, Byron is going to announce it this afternoon.

-So you did it?

Kind of.

It's changed a bit, now the teachers are going to be auctioned.

-Everyone's selling a personal service for the day.

-What's yours?

-Butler.

-Butler!

You'll be there in a tux and little white gloves like,

"Dinner is served."

All right. It's not that funny for me.

I should never have let Miss Poppy talk me into it.

-This was Miss Poppy's idea?

-Yes.

-Why are you so worried?

-She'll probably be the one to buy you.

-You think?

-Yes.

Just like I said, she likes you.

Well, I hope she likes me enough to pay above the odds.

-We need to raise ten times as much now.

-What?

The meeting got away from me,

now every department gets a share of the cash.

It'll be spread too thin for the place it's needed the most.

I got the ball rolling.

But you let it roll all the way down the hill.

A couple of old, mouldy teachers won't help raise the cash we need.

What are you going to do?

What else? I've got to get involved.

It's about time I beefed this sale up.

BELL RINGS

I want to hear about your aspirations,

where you see yourselves in five years' time. Agnes?

Actually, sir,

there's a rumour going round, not spread by me,

that you're up for sale in this auction on Friday.

I heard you were proper up for sale as a maid or something.

A butler, actually.

-Well, can anyone buy you?

-For the right price, yes.

I'm going to buy you and then put my foot on you like a stool,

and not wash my feet and your nose will get fumed up with foot fungus.

Well, it's a good thing you won't be able to afford me.

CLASS: Oooh!

Well, sir, I've got 50p on me right now.

THEY LAUGH

BELL RINGS

All right, listen,

don't forget there are other things to buy on Friday.

Lots of cool options you could bid for,

you know, other than just me.

I'm toast, aren't I?

This Friday... Sorry.

OK. Let's relax and try again.

What if one of these kids buys me on Friday?

I have had half of them in detention all term.

It would be like the revenge of the fugs.

I don't think any of them are going to outbid an adult.

Maybe. But maybe no adult is going to bid for me.

When you're not hyperventilating,

-I'm sure you're an attractive prospect.

-Really?

-Really.

-Go home, Nathan.

-Attractive.

Hey, man. What do you doing?

I realised that everyone has something old that they don't need

that someone else might want, right?

So, I'm adding some new prizes for the auction.

-Taking it seriously. I respect that.

-Well, it's just like you said.

Priorities. You got to give up something old, to get something new.

-You're right.

-Oh, Miss Poppy is coming over later

with a little van to pick up some stuff.

-Mel is coming here?

-Yeah.

Just going to take a shower, yeah?

So, you think this is a good idea?

-Yeah, yeah, man, all good.

-Nice one.

Nice one.

-Morning, Lame-ohs. What's new?

-Since yesterday?

Well, we're 24 hours older and you're 24 per cent more annoying.

-Did you watch that thing again for me?

-What?

-Oh, yes. Yeah.

-And?

And I learnt a lot about wooing.

What is wooing?

You know, when a guy meets a girl,

he tries to win her over by wooing her.

Wooooo!

-Woooo!

-Well?

Well, Madagascans don't believe in guys buying fancy things

and acting slick to get girls.

-In fact, they believe in quite the opposite.

-What do you mean?

Well, they believe a guy should show himself up

just to prove how much he'd do for the girl.

Come on.

Look, I'm just telling you what I've learnt.

And it's universal. I mean, that guy is willing to dress up

as a penguin on Friday and hopes to impress that girl.

Mm. Maybe you're not as dumb as you look.

-Cheers, mate.

-No worries.

-Woooh!

-Stop that.

Hey, sorry I missed you last night.

-Yeah, Josh said you were in the bathroom for ages.

-I was showering.

It's not like I was in there for hours on the... Forget it.

I wanted to say thank you. It's a really nice contribution.

-What, Josh's stuff?

-No, the turntables.

-My decks?

-Yeah.

-It was really generous. Honestly, I don't know what to say.

-No?

I think I do.

-You never asked me!

-We agreed on it last night.

-What?

I thought you were talking about your junk, not my prized possessions.

Come on, Nathan. You haven't used those decks in years.

You never said, "Nate, can I sell your decks?"

I would have distinctly remembered that and the answer would have been, "Are you nuts?"

So, now, you're angry at me for doing a good deed.

-Can I shout something now?

-No, Ash, this doesn't concern you.

Josh, those decks, they meant something to me, man.

They represented how things used to be for me back in the rap days.

It made me feel like, I don't know, like I was somebody.

Wow, I didn't realise, I'm sorry, bro.

I can talk to Miss Poppy, we can get...

Forget it. You didn't see her face. She loves that I donated them.

So, what do we do now?

-Bid for them back.

-Us? That's stupid.

-Is it?

Maybe I can get my decks back, the music room gets money, so win-win.

Yeah, but we'll look weird trying to buy all our stuff back.

-All right, then who?

-This game is way too hard.

I can never reach the next level.

Ash, that's the welcome screen.

-You need to press start to start playing.

-Oh.

Oh!

BOTH: Not Ash.

-Huh?

-There's only one other option.

So, we're cool on this?

When I nod at you, you raise the spoon to bid

and win the decks, yeah?

Raise the spoon, win the decks. Got it?

What? Oh, yeah, I win the spoon or something.

No, bid with the spoon, you're not buying cutlery. Focus, man.

Yeah, sorry, it's just all of this wooing stuff.

You can't lose.

-You really think it will work?

-Look, I told you,

Madagascans love all that stuff. Go and find her.

-It's starting in a minute.

-OK, guys, we're ready for you now.

-ALL LAUGH Penguin!

-Someone looks nervous!

He's so LOLz. I am so buying him. I'm going to walk him like a poodle.

So, if you could make your way into the assembly hall sensibly, now.

I said sensibly!

See my dog? That's you, that is.

HE RAPS: Miss Poppy got me properly looking just like a clown

Got a bunch of kids who hate me ready to buy me now

If she liked me, she'd buy me, and save me, maybe

Say she doesn't! Stop being a baby It's just a game, if I play this well

I could leave with my decks and a date with Mel

Or I could leave with a year ten bully

With a whole day of pain planned for me

The only thing worse than that, well, I know it would be

24 hours owned by Zoe-Marie That would seem like endless torture

Imagine if I had to send texts for her

SHE TALKS REALLY FAST

And I was like nah and she was like yeah

And she was like soz, LOL, thank you, babes, two kisses

Yeah, I'd be more than scared if she wins

To be fair, man, I wouldn't know where to begin

With the things that she'd get me to do

Hey you, yeah, you, scrub poo off my shoe

No way, cos she'd be seen as the boss of me

Honestly, all the chaos that she's gonna wreak

I could start with a "Kick me" sign on

And end singing a love song to Byron!

# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ooh-ooh-ooh

# Yeah. #

CHILDREN'S LAUGHTER ECHOES

CHILDREN LAUGH

< He's gone and done it.

RYAN: Sharmilla?

Kadji kodji wip wip,

hiranki neegee ooh-oohgee!

What the heck are you doing?

Hang on a sec, did you just speak English?

That tends to be the first language of Salford.

Wait.

-You're not from Madagascar?

-Who told you that?

Manchester!

Oh, I could have sworn those girls said Madagascar.

Ho-ho!

Sorry for bothering you.

Wait.

What's with the outfit?

-It's just my former friend...

-Manchester, Madagascar.

..made up this nonsense about

how I should humiliate myself in front of you.

He said that's how a boy impresses a girl in Madagascar.

And I felt for it. I know, stupid, right?

Yeah. But sweet.

Really?

Yeah.

There's a spare seat here. What do you reckon?

-Yes. Yeah, definitely yes.

-Cool.

Look, just give me two minutes, yeah?

CHILDREN LAUGH

So, not as talented and gifted as you thought, eh?

-But that outfit was genius.

-What kind of mate are you?

What's the point of mates if you can't prank each other?

Oh, yeah, you're a real comedian. Let's get this auction over with.

Right. Spoon.

Cash...

-Kadji kodji.

-Don't push it.

There's other things I could do with a spoon this big.

-All right, all right, Ash, give us a seat.

-No need, thanks.

-I'm off to Madagascar.

-OK, ladies and gents, here we go.

No!

-Good luck.

-He's only pulled her.

-And happy bidding.

OK, our final lot before we get on to the teachers,

uh, it's going to be this set of turntables

which once belonged to DJ Yowser.

So, shall we start the bidding at say, £50?

Anyone?

Anyone?

Anyone? No?

No! No, no, no.

No, no way. A bid. Great.

Any advance on that? 70, maybe?

Anyone, £70? JOSH COUGHS

Did I hear 65?

I'm sensing a 60 from this area for some reason.

No?

Oh, come on.

-51.

-We've had the last bid. Move on.

-WHISPERS: Ryan!

RYAN MOUTHS Right. All right.

Turntables going, going once, going twice.

BOTH MOUTHING

-Going twice and a half.

-Mr Carter!

Sold to the lady at the back for £50.

Uh, what was that all about?

Mm, let me think(!) Oh, come on, man, what's the point of mates

if we can't prank each other?

Well, you've all had a good look at him.

For 24 hours, Mr Carter will provide all the domestic duties

of a traditional English butler. Spoons at the ready.

-Ready with your spoon?

-Oh, I'm not bidding tonight.

-What?

-I just made a donation beforehand. Good luck.

-Oh. Right.

-Right, then, who will open the bidding?

-50p.

-Any advance on that?

-£10.

Man, she'll have him walking in the playground in his underpants.

I can't do this to him. I owe it to him. £50.

-60.

-70.

-£80?

-Yeah, 80.

-90.

-Any advance on 90?

-£93.72.

Going once. Going twice.

£150.

-How much?

-All for a good cause. Remember?

£150.

Going once, going twice.

Sold to the young man...being hugged on the table over there.

Ash.

So, let me get this straight, I've lost my decks and 150 quid,

is that right?

Nathan, I'm sorry. I'll pay you back, I promise.

-Forget it.

-No. I want to. I mean it, all right?

Here you are, heroes, the pair of you. Turntables went for a bargain.

-Who was that who won them?

-I did. That's my friend Ann bidding for me.

-So, since when were you a DJ?

-Since never!

I'm going to put them in the music department.

-Alongside the XL700 drum machine?

-I hope so. You deserve it.

Do I?

Yeah, what with your generous donation and you bidding for him,

you guys seem really close.

-Hey, man, look, about the decks, I'm sorry.

-You know what? She's right.

-Huh?

-A little bit of generosity goes a long way.

How much do I use those decks? Hardly at all. Right?

-And your class will make much more out of them than I did.

-Sweet.

And hey, I told you she likes you.

So, about this whole auction thing,

-technically, I own you now.

-What?

And I have another little apology I need to make

and you could help me out a lot.

Hm?

Come on.

Sir, madam, take a seat.

Seriously, what is this, Josh?

-If it's another one of your stupid pranks, I really...

-Shhh.

Just wait, all right?

Sit down. You're not going to die.

OK.

ASH PLAYS THE FLUTE

Really, Ash? Really?

Dinner is served.

What is this? Pizza?

That will be all, my good man.

Don't push it. And don't take too long. The caretaker won't keep this place open all night.

All right, all right. I was just kidding. Can I have a slice?

Small one.

-RAP: Can't live with 'em

-And you can't kick them out

When they're up, they rub it in your face

-Kick you when you're down

-But when no-one understands them

-You know what they're on about

-And who's going to be around

Got to find the common ground

# If you know so much about me

# Where do I go from here?

If I see him every day You can never get away

Only time that you're the boss, 4 o'clock. 4 o'clock.