Auction 4 O'Clock Club


Auction

Comedy. When the school's last remaining keyboard blows a fuse, Josh decides to help raise funds for new musical instruments by staging a charity auction.


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Transcript


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# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

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# When it's just too much to handle

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# What you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

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# Wash that stress out like it was shampoo

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# You should stay, it can change

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# There's good days and bad days

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# But one day down the line it's time for the show to stop

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# So the only time is now, 4 o'clock. #

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Ah! Nathan!

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Ow! What is wrong with you?

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I'll tell you what's wrong with me. What is all this stuff?!

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Hey, hey, careful, man!

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Those are the turntables DJ Yowser gave me!

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THE DJ Yowser.

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Hey, hey! Never touch the needle.

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Don't worry, I'm not. It's not 1986! Get 'em out.

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Those are collectors' items!

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-Only thing they're collecting is dust!

-You can talk!

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I can hardly get to my clothes cos of all your junk.

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-What is this stuff? GASPS:

-Mr Huggles!

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Look, what I'm trying to say is

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one day all this stuff will need to go where it's meant to be.

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In a bin bag.

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MUTTERS: I'll stick you in a bin bag.

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THEY PLAY GREENSLEEVES OUT OF TUNE

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OK! Good.

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It needs some work, but that's why we're here.

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Why don't you all turn to page 17 in your books?

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OK, well, it's going to be quite difficult,

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but I think you're going to like this one.

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I thought if we can get it done properly,

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we could do it for the parents' assembly next week.

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So, if you can all take a look at it tonight...

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-RAPS:

-I been two years here,

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Nothing ain't changed, wonder how it used to be back in the day

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When a four-string bass really had four strings

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When the little jingle bell had a few more rings

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The clarinet kinda sounds like an old cow

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The triangle's not even a triangle now

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Tragic, this is like a granddad's attic

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If it's ever going to change it's going to need magic

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Or a dude on a mission

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Someone with a super-clever view or a vision

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It's the only room in school with a heart and look at it

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The whole place falling apart

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If it was up to me this room would be an arena

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The kids would perform, Byron would be the cleaner

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And we'd party from sun up to sunset

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Have the whole world dance to my drum kit.

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Miss!

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GIRL SCREAMS

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BELL RINGS

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OK, file out slowly, please, everyone. Don't run!

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Fire!

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OK, can we all stay in our lines, please?

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We should only be a few more minutes.

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Miss, can I be real to you for a sec?

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As opposed to...

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Your music class is probably the only one

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where I've never listened to my iPod, eaten nachos,

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or made farting noises using hand suction and body parts.

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High praise, indeed.

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But the equipment is so old

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so it's kind of like an ancient history class!

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-How about we get some new equipment?

-Everybody back in!

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Check it out, it's the XL700.

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A drum machine that you can programme beats into it

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and link it up to a computer.

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It's not that simple. £600!

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Actually, it's £599.99.

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Well, you seem to have done the maths,

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maybe you can calculate how we get to that amount from zero.

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Oi, funny, innit?

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What is?

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How you're always tidy at work, but you're messy at home.

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It's called priorities.

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I couldn't imagine if a rubber went missing(!)

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Look, I had an idea.

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One big communal rubber?

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No, you lead head, about raising money.

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Since when were you into doing anything charitable?

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Since Teneisha's keyboard turned into a barbecue.

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The music department needs love... and cash.

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I need to raise money for some new kit.

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So now you want to raise money? How?

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Breakdancing for change?

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HE CHUCKLES

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43, 44, 40...

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17, 21, 80, 82, 95.

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Do you remember that programme with those crusty old dudes

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that were buying items with arm signs and...

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Bargain Hunt? You said it was like watching Grandad Yoga.

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Yeah, but imagine if it was for young cool people.

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Maybe even people in your age group.

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And all the money goes to the music department?

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-Like an auction?

-What's an auction?

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-It's what you just described.

-Oh, OK, so you can help me?

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-Why would I do that?

-Miss Poppy'd like it.

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-Shut up.

-She would! She likes you.

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Plus, you're always going on about how you need to make an impact here.

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This is your chance!

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Or you could spend the rest of your days counting rubbers.

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56, 72, 94...

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RAPS: What's the point in being here if I never make a difference?

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What's the point of speaking clear if nobody ever listens?

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Do I wanna be a mouse or a man who believes

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Cos I feel like I got whiskers and an obsession with cheese

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Got a brother who's a kid and bigger go-getter than me

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And I'm busy losing count here on rubber 23

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Am I a fraud when I scrawl my name on the whiteboard?

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Saying I'm a grown-up? Maybe I should own up

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Come clean, tell the whole school the truth

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That I'm a youth in an old man's shoes

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That our mum makes the same boxed lunch

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And I sleep in a lame top bunk

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Not a boy any more I'm a man now

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Time to act like the teacher I am now, no time for chit-chat

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Just act quick and get back out there

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Nathan, make an impact!

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It's a great way of raising money for the department.

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Who's getting money for their department?

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It's for the music room, it's pretty run down.

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Have you seen the ICT room?

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There's only one keyboard left with all the letters.

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We were thinking specifically just music room.

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-If there's any cash, Year 7s could use a bit.

-They could.

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Hold on. This is something I wanted to discuss with Mr Byron.

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-What was?

-His idea to hold an auction

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-to raise money for the school.

-Hmm, an auction.

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-We could do it at the next parents' assembly on Friday night.

-Yeah...

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Selling what, precisely?

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Um, well... How about selling us?

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We could be on sale for different things

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like 18 holes with you at your golf club.

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-Oh, if I must.

-Piano lessons with me.

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Miss Andress could design you a website, and Mr Carter...

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-..could be your butler for 24 hours.

-Butler? Why am I a manservant?

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We'd all be servants to some extent.

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-Yeah, but I'll literally be one.

-There may be something in this.

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Great. Let's do it.

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Thinks on her feet, that one.

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If only more of us could be a bit like that.

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-How come you missed ICT?

-G & T, my friend.

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Gifted and Talented.

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They've put me in an advanced learning class.

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I've been in one of them.

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When they take you out of class and you get, like, Play-Doh?

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Well, congratulations.

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Now you can hang out with those cool, super-smart kids

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who always make jokes about algebra and snort milk when they laugh.

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You're just jealous

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of my brains, my good looks, my success with women...

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Women? Yeah, right!

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OK, so how come the new girl's blatantly been giving me the eye?

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She's out of your league.

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I bet you haven't even talked to her.

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I will though.

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-She doesn't speak English.

-Why, where's she from?

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-Madagascar.

-Really?

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-Yeah. I heard some girls talking about her.

-There you go.

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How are you going to talk to her now...genius?

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Well, um...

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Tell you what,

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you could start by saying...

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by saying, "Tiggy wappo".

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-Excuse me?

-Yeah, yeah.

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That's how they say hello in Madagascar. "Tiggy wappo".

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-How'd you know that?

-Discovery Channel.

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What would you care?

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You've not got the guts to speak to her anyway.

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OK, fine. I'll show you the true meaning of gifted and talented.

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Tiggy wappo? Where did you learn that?

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I didn't. I'm pranking him, man. He thinks he so smart...

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Let's see how smart Sharmilla thinks he is!

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Know what I mean?

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No.

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Hey, some good ideas there.

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I don't know if I can be the butler.

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I really need these kids to respect me.

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You can't back out now, I bet you will raise tons of cash.

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-I don't know.

-Come on, there's nothing to be afraid of.

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We'll put you in a swanky suit, you'll get snapped up.

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Probably by some gorgeous girl.

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Hey. Er... Tiggy wappo?

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THEY GIGGLE

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Hmm. Maybe you should work on your accent.

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It did say it was one of the tougher to learn.

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Oh, yeah?

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What else did it say?

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Tell you what, let me watch it on Catch Up tonight,

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-I'll give you gold tomorrow.

-Thanks, man.

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-Hey, bruv.

-Hey.

-How did it go with Byron and the auction idea?

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-OK, Byron is going to announce it this afternoon.

-So you did it?

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Kind of.

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It's changed a bit, now the teachers are going to be auctioned.

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-Everyone's selling a personal service for the day.

-What's yours?

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-Butler.

-Butler!

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You'll be there in a tux and little white gloves like,

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"Dinner is served."

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All right. It's not that funny for me.

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I should never have let Miss Poppy talk me into it.

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-This was Miss Poppy's idea?

-Yes.

-Why are you so worried?

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-She'll probably be the one to buy you.

-You think?

-Yes.

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Just like I said, she likes you.

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Well, I hope she likes me enough to pay above the odds.

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-We need to raise ten times as much now.

-What?

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The meeting got away from me,

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now every department gets a share of the cash.

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It'll be spread too thin for the place it's needed the most.

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I got the ball rolling.

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But you let it roll all the way down the hill.

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A couple of old, mouldy teachers won't help raise the cash we need.

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What are you going to do?

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What else? I've got to get involved.

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It's about time I beefed this sale up.

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BELL RINGS

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I want to hear about your aspirations,

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where you see yourselves in five years' time. Agnes?

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Actually, sir,

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there's a rumour going round, not spread by me,

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that you're up for sale in this auction on Friday.

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I heard you were proper up for sale as a maid or something.

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A butler, actually.

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-Well, can anyone buy you?

-For the right price, yes.

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I'm going to buy you and then put my foot on you like a stool,

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and not wash my feet and your nose will get fumed up with foot fungus.

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Well, it's a good thing you won't be able to afford me.

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CLASS: Oooh!

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Well, sir, I've got 50p on me right now.

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THEY LAUGH

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BELL RINGS

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All right, listen,

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don't forget there are other things to buy on Friday.

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Lots of cool options you could bid for,

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you know, other than just me.

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I'm toast, aren't I?

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This Friday... Sorry.

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OK. Let's relax and try again.

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What if one of these kids buys me on Friday?

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I have had half of them in detention all term.

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It would be like the revenge of the fugs.

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I don't think any of them are going to outbid an adult.

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Maybe. But maybe no adult is going to bid for me.

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When you're not hyperventilating,

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-I'm sure you're an attractive prospect.

-Really?

-Really.

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-Go home, Nathan.

-Attractive.

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Hey, man. What do you doing?

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I realised that everyone has something old that they don't need

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that someone else might want, right?

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So, I'm adding some new prizes for the auction.

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-Taking it seriously. I respect that.

-Well, it's just like you said.

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Priorities. You got to give up something old, to get something new.

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-You're right.

-Oh, Miss Poppy is coming over later

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with a little van to pick up some stuff.

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-Mel is coming here?

-Yeah.

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Just going to take a shower, yeah?

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So, you think this is a good idea?

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-Yeah, yeah, man, all good.

-Nice one.

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Nice one.

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-Morning, Lame-ohs. What's new?

-Since yesterday?

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Well, we're 24 hours older and you're 24 per cent more annoying.

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-Did you watch that thing again for me?

-What?

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-Oh, yes. Yeah.

-And?

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And I learnt a lot about wooing.

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What is wooing?

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You know, when a guy meets a girl,

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he tries to win her over by wooing her.

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Wooooo!

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-Woooo!

-Well?

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Well, Madagascans don't believe in guys buying fancy things

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and acting slick to get girls.

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-In fact, they believe in quite the opposite.

-What do you mean?

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Well, they believe a guy should show himself up

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just to prove how much he'd do for the girl.

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Come on.

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Look, I'm just telling you what I've learnt.

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And it's universal. I mean, that guy is willing to dress up

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as a penguin on Friday and hopes to impress that girl.

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Mm. Maybe you're not as dumb as you look.

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-Cheers, mate.

-No worries.

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-Woooh!

-Stop that.

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Hey, sorry I missed you last night.

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-Yeah, Josh said you were in the bathroom for ages.

-I was showering.

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It's not like I was in there for hours on the... Forget it.

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I wanted to say thank you. It's a really nice contribution.

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-What, Josh's stuff?

-No, the turntables.

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-My decks?

-Yeah.

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-It was really generous. Honestly, I don't know what to say.

-No?

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I think I do.

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-You never asked me!

-We agreed on it last night.

-What?

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I thought you were talking about your junk, not my prized possessions.

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Come on, Nathan. You haven't used those decks in years.

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You never said, "Nate, can I sell your decks?"

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I would have distinctly remembered that and the answer would have been, "Are you nuts?"

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So, now, you're angry at me for doing a good deed.

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-Can I shout something now?

-No, Ash, this doesn't concern you.

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Josh, those decks, they meant something to me, man.

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They represented how things used to be for me back in the rap days.

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It made me feel like, I don't know, like I was somebody.

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Wow, I didn't realise, I'm sorry, bro.

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I can talk to Miss Poppy, we can get...

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Forget it. You didn't see her face. She loves that I donated them.

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So, what do we do now?

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-Bid for them back.

-Us? That's stupid.

-Is it?

0:17:010:17:04

Maybe I can get my decks back, the music room gets money, so win-win.

0:17:040:17:09

Yeah, but we'll look weird trying to buy all our stuff back.

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-All right, then who?

-This game is way too hard.

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I can never reach the next level.

0:17:170:17:19

Ash, that's the welcome screen.

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-You need to press start to start playing.

-Oh.

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Oh!

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BOTH: Not Ash.

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-Huh?

-There's only one other option.

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So, we're cool on this?

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When I nod at you, you raise the spoon to bid

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and win the decks, yeah?

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Raise the spoon, win the decks. Got it?

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What? Oh, yeah, I win the spoon or something.

0:17:440:17:47

No, bid with the spoon, you're not buying cutlery. Focus, man.

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Yeah, sorry, it's just all of this wooing stuff.

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You can't lose.

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-You really think it will work?

-Look, I told you,

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Madagascans love all that stuff. Go and find her.

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-It's starting in a minute.

-OK, guys, we're ready for you now.

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-ALL LAUGH Penguin!

-Someone looks nervous!

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He's so LOLz. I am so buying him. I'm going to walk him like a poodle.

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So, if you could make your way into the assembly hall sensibly, now.

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I said sensibly!

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See my dog? That's you, that is.

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HE RAPS: Miss Poppy got me properly looking just like a clown

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Got a bunch of kids who hate me ready to buy me now

0:18:450:18:48

If she liked me, she'd buy me, and save me, maybe

0:18:480:18:51

Say she doesn't! Stop being a baby It's just a game, if I play this well

0:18:510:18:55

I could leave with my decks and a date with Mel

0:18:550:18:58

Or I could leave with a year ten bully

0:18:580:19:00

With a whole day of pain planned for me

0:19:000:19:02

The only thing worse than that, well, I know it would be

0:19:020:19:06

24 hours owned by Zoe-Marie That would seem like endless torture

0:19:060:19:10

Imagine if I had to send texts for her

0:19:100:19:13

SHE TALKS REALLY FAST

0:19:130:19:16

And I was like nah and she was like yeah

0:19:160:19:18

And she was like soz, LOL, thank you, babes, two kisses

0:19:180:19:21

Yeah, I'd be more than scared if she wins

0:19:220:19:25

To be fair, man, I wouldn't know where to begin

0:19:250:19:27

With the things that she'd get me to do

0:19:270:19:29

Hey you, yeah, you, scrub poo off my shoe

0:19:290:19:32

No way, cos she'd be seen as the boss of me

0:19:320:19:35

Honestly, all the chaos that she's gonna wreak

0:19:350:19:37

I could start with a "Kick me" sign on

0:19:370:19:39

And end singing a love song to Byron!

0:19:390:19:41

# Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ooh-ooh-ooh

0:19:410:19:47

# Yeah. #

0:19:470:19:50

CHILDREN'S LAUGHTER ECHOES

0:19:500:19:54

CHILDREN LAUGH

0:20:180:20:21

< He's gone and done it.

0:20:210:20:23

RYAN: Sharmilla?

0:20:310:20:33

Kadji kodji wip wip,

0:20:330:20:35

hiranki neegee ooh-oohgee!

0:20:350:20:40

What the heck are you doing?

0:20:410:20:43

Hang on a sec, did you just speak English?

0:20:440:20:47

That tends to be the first language of Salford.

0:20:470:20:50

Wait.

0:20:500:20:51

-You're not from Madagascar?

-Who told you that?

0:20:510:20:54

Manchester!

0:20:540:20:57

Oh, I could have sworn those girls said Madagascar.

0:20:570:20:59

Ho-ho!

0:20:590:21:00

Sorry for bothering you.

0:21:000:21:02

Wait.

0:21:020:21:03

What's with the outfit?

0:21:050:21:07

-It's just my former friend...

-Manchester, Madagascar.

0:21:070:21:11

..made up this nonsense about

0:21:110:21:13

how I should humiliate myself in front of you.

0:21:130:21:16

He said that's how a boy impresses a girl in Madagascar.

0:21:160:21:21

And I felt for it. I know, stupid, right?

0:21:210:21:23

Yeah. But sweet.

0:21:230:21:26

Really?

0:21:260:21:27

Yeah.

0:21:270:21:29

There's a spare seat here. What do you reckon?

0:21:290:21:34

-Yes. Yeah, definitely yes.

-Cool.

0:21:340:21:37

Look, just give me two minutes, yeah?

0:21:370:21:41

CHILDREN LAUGH

0:21:410:21:45

So, not as talented and gifted as you thought, eh?

0:21:450:21:50

-But that outfit was genius.

-What kind of mate are you?

0:21:500:21:54

What's the point of mates if you can't prank each other?

0:21:540:21:57

Oh, yeah, you're a real comedian. Let's get this auction over with.

0:21:570:22:01

Right. Spoon.

0:22:010:22:04

Cash...

0:22:050:22:06

-Kadji kodji.

-Don't push it.

0:22:060:22:08

There's other things I could do with a spoon this big.

0:22:080:22:11

-All right, all right, Ash, give us a seat.

-No need, thanks.

0:22:110:22:15

-I'm off to Madagascar.

-OK, ladies and gents, here we go.

0:22:150:22:19

No!

0:22:190:22:22

-Good luck.

-He's only pulled her.

-And happy bidding.

0:22:220:22:25

OK, our final lot before we get on to the teachers,

0:22:270:22:32

uh, it's going to be this set of turntables

0:22:320:22:36

which once belonged to DJ Yowser.

0:22:360:22:39

So, shall we start the bidding at say, £50?

0:22:390:22:46

Anyone?

0:22:460:22:48

Anyone?

0:22:530:22:55

Anyone? No?

0:22:550:22:57

No! No, no, no.

0:23:010:23:03

No, no way. A bid. Great.

0:23:030:23:07

Any advance on that? 70, maybe?

0:23:070:23:11

Anyone, £70? JOSH COUGHS

0:23:110:23:13

Did I hear 65?

0:23:130:23:16

I'm sensing a 60 from this area for some reason.

0:23:160:23:21

No?

0:23:220:23:23

Oh, come on.

0:23:260:23:28

-51.

-We've had the last bid. Move on.

-WHISPERS: Ryan!

0:23:300:23:33

RYAN MOUTHS Right. All right.

0:23:330:23:36

Turntables going, going once, going twice.

0:23:360:23:42

BOTH MOUTHING

0:23:420:23:44

-Going twice and a half.

-Mr Carter!

0:23:440:23:47

Sold to the lady at the back for £50.

0:23:470:23:49

Uh, what was that all about?

0:23:510:23:53

Mm, let me think(!) Oh, come on, man, what's the point of mates

0:23:530:23:57

if we can't prank each other?

0:23:570:23:58

Well, you've all had a good look at him.

0:24:010:24:03

For 24 hours, Mr Carter will provide all the domestic duties

0:24:030:24:08

of a traditional English butler. Spoons at the ready.

0:24:080:24:11

-Ready with your spoon?

-Oh, I'm not bidding tonight.

-What?

0:24:120:24:16

-I just made a donation beforehand. Good luck.

-Oh. Right.

0:24:160:24:20

-Right, then, who will open the bidding?

-50p.

0:24:210:24:25

-Any advance on that?

-£10.

0:24:250:24:28

Man, she'll have him walking in the playground in his underpants.

0:24:280:24:32

I can't do this to him. I owe it to him. £50.

0:24:320:24:36

-60.

-70.

0:24:410:24:42

-£80?

-Yeah, 80.

-90.

0:24:430:24:46

-Any advance on 90?

-£93.72.

0:24:460:24:49

Going once. Going twice.

0:24:520:24:54

£150.

0:24:540:24:56

-How much?

-All for a good cause. Remember?

0:24:560:25:00

£150.

0:25:000:25:03

Going once, going twice.

0:25:030:25:06

Sold to the young man...being hugged on the table over there.

0:25:060:25:12

Ash.

0:25:120:25:13

So, let me get this straight, I've lost my decks and 150 quid,

0:25:200:25:25

is that right?

0:25:250:25:27

Nathan, I'm sorry. I'll pay you back, I promise.

0:25:270:25:29

-Forget it.

-No. I want to. I mean it, all right?

0:25:290:25:35

Here you are, heroes, the pair of you. Turntables went for a bargain.

0:25:360:25:40

-Who was that who won them?

-I did. That's my friend Ann bidding for me.

0:25:400:25:44

-So, since when were you a DJ?

-Since never!

0:25:460:25:49

I'm going to put them in the music department.

0:25:490:25:52

-Alongside the XL700 drum machine?

-I hope so. You deserve it.

0:25:520:25:57

Do I?

0:25:570:25:59

Yeah, what with your generous donation and you bidding for him,

0:25:590:26:02

you guys seem really close.

0:26:020:26:05

-Hey, man, look, about the decks, I'm sorry.

-You know what? She's right.

0:26:050:26:09

-Huh?

-A little bit of generosity goes a long way.

0:26:090:26:13

How much do I use those decks? Hardly at all. Right?

0:26:130:26:17

-And your class will make much more out of them than I did.

-Sweet.

0:26:170:26:21

And hey, I told you she likes you.

0:26:210:26:23

So, about this whole auction thing,

0:26:280:26:31

-technically, I own you now.

-What?

0:26:310:26:36

And I have another little apology I need to make

0:26:360:26:38

and you could help me out a lot.

0:26:380:26:41

Hm?

0:26:410:26:43

Come on.

0:26:460:26:47

Sir, madam, take a seat.

0:26:490:26:51

Seriously, what is this, Josh?

0:26:510:26:53

-If it's another one of your stupid pranks, I really...

-Shhh.

0:26:530:26:56

Just wait, all right?

0:26:560:26:58

Sit down. You're not going to die.

0:26:580:27:01

OK.

0:27:010:27:02

ASH PLAYS THE FLUTE

0:27:020:27:04

Really, Ash? Really?

0:27:040:27:05

Dinner is served.

0:27:050:27:09

What is this? Pizza?

0:27:110:27:13

That will be all, my good man.

0:27:130:27:15

Don't push it. And don't take too long. The caretaker won't keep this place open all night.

0:27:150:27:19

All right, all right. I was just kidding. Can I have a slice?

0:27:190:27:23

Small one.

0:27:270:27:29

-RAP: Can't live with 'em

-And you can't kick them out

0:27:460:27:48

When they're up, they rub it in your face

0:27:480:27:50

-Kick you when you're down

-But when no-one understands them

0:27:500:27:52

-You know what they're on about

-And who's going to be around

0:27:520:27:55

Got to find the common ground

0:27:550:27:56

# If you know so much about me

0:27:560:28:00

# Where do I go from here?

0:28:000:28:02

If I see him every day You can never get away

0:28:020:28:04

Only time that you're the boss, 4 o'clock. 4 o'clock.

0:28:040:28:06

Comedy about two brothers at the same school - one of them a pupil and the other a new teacher. When the school's last remaining keyboard blows a fuse, Josh decides to help raise funds for new musical instruments by staging a charity auction. But without any valuables to give to the cause, Josh opts to donate Nathan's stuff instead.


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