Quiz 4 O'Clock Club


Quiz

Comedy. Nathan drags Josh onto the useless school quiz team to teach him how to stick at something.


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Transcript


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# Where d'you go when you know nobody can understand you?

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# When it's just too much to handle?

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# What d'you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

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# Wash that stress out like it was shampoo

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# You should stay, it can change There's good days and bad days

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# But one day down the line This time it's sure to stop

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# So the only time is now, 4 o'clock. #

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-Look, look, look.

-I'm beating your score!

-Josh, put it down.

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Josh, I'm not joking. I'm driving a real car!

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-Yes! Yes!

-This is not a game...

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Nice driving, you doughnut.

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See, look. Told you you shouldn't be arguing with me.

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And I told you not to shove that thing in my face while I'm driving.

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Yeah, but I beat your high score.

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It wasn't me, it was him. Putting me off.

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-RAPS:

-How come when he gets the chance he always blames me

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when it ain't me? Swear it's getting worse lately

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I can name three or four times in the past few days

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He's been on my back like a baby chimpanzee

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If it's him and me, you can bet I will step into the ring gladly

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-Is it my fault that he's a rubbish teacher?

-No!

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-Is it my fault he dresses like a peanut?

-No!

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-Is it my fault he hit the sign and it broke?

-No!

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Is it my fault the ball smashed the window? Oh...

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Anyway, my point remains factual still

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Me and him, back and forth, it's a battle of wills

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You go your way, brother, I will go mine

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For your nonsense I have got no time

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-Stand

-Fight

-Tall

-Right

-And

-Win

-Fall

-Grin

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-Have you got skills?

-It's a battle of wills

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How come he's so selfish, never thinks of others?

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Sometimes I start to wonder if he really is my brother

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Cos we're not alike, doesn't know wrong from right

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Often lies, creeps round and cheats like it's not a crime

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Everything is just for fun, don't care who he's stepping on

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Just to get ahead, it's wrong Don't know who he gets it from

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-Is it my fault he's always in detention?

-No!

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-Is it my fault he's risking a suspension?

-No!

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-Is it my fault he always wants to beat me?

-No!

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Is it my fault the school's got graffiti? Oh...

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Anyway, my point remains factual still

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Me and him, back and forth, it's a battle of wills

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You go your way, brother, I will go mine

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For your nonsense I have got no time

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-Stand

-Fight

-Tall

-Right

-And

-Win

-Fall

-Grin

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-Have you got skills?

-It's a battle of wills!

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I don't know where to start.

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Put it this way, he just needs to focus more.

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I mean, take his homework, for example.

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-He hardly ever hands in a completed project.

-Seriously? What, never?

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Never. And if he could just avoid distractions...

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-Yes! Come on!

-Josh...

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-Huh?

-You see?

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If he could just pay attention...

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-Oh - in your face!

-Sssh!

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-Right - that is confiscated.

-Mum, come on.

-Tell him to let go.

-Right!

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Neither of you are having it.

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Look, if he could just spend a little less time on his gadgets

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and more time on his school work, then, you know,

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he could achieve way higher... DRUMMING FINGERS

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What? It's his fault anyway.

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-How is it MY fault?

-He's newly qualified.

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How about my homework, right? No wonder I never finish it -

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he's always interrupting me.

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Even when he doesn't know what he's talking about.

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Can you keep your voice down? I don't do that. I don't do that.

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-Yep - he does.

-Confiscate his MP3 player as well.

-Confiscate his pens!

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-Boys...!

-Confiscate all his gadgets until he gets decent grades.

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-I'll start getting decent grades when you butt out of my life.

-Boys!

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Nathan is right. All your teachers have complained about your homework.

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No more gadgets until your grades improve.

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And Nathan - just butt out and leave Josh to work on his own.

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What would your old headmaster think if he could see you now?

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Ryan, you can be so selfish sometimes -

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I mean, what can be more important than doing my homework!

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-This inter-schools quiz.

-Yeah? That's about as important as dust!

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Yeah? My mum rang up BOGOF and made him put me on the team.

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-I have to win this.

-Ryan, your mum doesn't love you. You do know that?

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Yes, she does.

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-You know what they say...

-Go!

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-Aww, Ryan you spoilt it!

-Spoilt what, you spanner?

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Going for the record -

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slamming all the locker doors shut in under ten seconds!

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Do you want to see me try again?

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On your marks...get set...

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go!

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Watch out - caretaker!

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What are you doing?

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Chill out, man, it's only a locker.

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Who'd get worked up about a locker?

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Hmm. Now you put it like that...

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That was awesome!

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I know! I was like "Whoosh!"

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and then he was like "Stop it," and I was like "Bam!"

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I feel I could do anything right now.

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-Well you could do Josh's homework.

-Bring it on!

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Ash...know your limits.

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Oh, yeah. My limits.

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Every year we're forced into this quiz

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and every year we come bottom. Still, at least we can't sink any further.

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If we just resign ourselves to failure from the very start,

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at least we won't be disappointed.

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Way to give a pep-talk, BOGOF!

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I think Mr Byron is just trying to get you to prove him wrong.

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HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY Must be getting back to the office.

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Right. Well, erm...

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This is a nightmare. A complete nightmare.

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I mean - look... Who even IS this?

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This is Oliver. An exceptionally intelligent boy.

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Yeah, right(!) Oliver - what's seven cubed?

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Erm, 343.

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Yeah, right... Oh, right.

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Is that right?

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Why don't you look it up in here?

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I'm making you team captain.

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Oh, please, no! I'll be held responsible.

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Hopefully. Good luck.

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I don't function well under pressure.

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All I said was are quizzes really your thing?

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-I don't know. Are they?

-I don't think you're stupid.

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-Oh, good.

-Just maybe not a team player -

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which is a good thing, isn't it?

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I mean, you go for that whole angry loner thing. It's your style.

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See? There it is. I just think maybe you'd enjoy the quiz more

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if you had nothing to do with it.

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Who's your little friend?

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This is Oliver. He's some sort of genius or something.

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Oh, yeah? Well, what's he doing at Elmsbury? Is he lost or something?

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He's doing the quiz.

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-His!

-His what? His stupid danger bag?

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What are you doing leaving it in the corridor?

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And it's disgusting as well, yuck!

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Do either of you guys notice anything strange about my locker?

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Well...you stuck all your footballers upside down?

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That's the strange thing - I didn't do it.

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It just happened.

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So er... you're some kind of genius?

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-Apparently.

-What do you think of doing my homework for me?

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Er, maybe - if you do me a favour in return?

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So she's trying to get in my face,

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and I'm like, "Do you know who I am?"

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Oi - what's that?

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What, this? It's a satchel.

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Yeah, I'm not stupid, am I? I mean, what's it doing on you?

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It's just got all my stuff in it, you know, cos satchels are in now,

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and er...the bigger the better.

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What was that all about?

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-Bad first parents' evening?

-Little bit.

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Just wish I hadn't slipped up in front of Byron...

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or run over his sign.

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He loved that sign. That was his favourite sign.

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And now I've got to find some way to look good in front of him.

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Well, usually, as a rule,

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I try not to shout about how rubbish I'm not in the hall.

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That a rule, is it? Right, let me get a pen - so that is rule one...

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No, actually that's rule three.

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It comes after "Don't fight with a pupil, don't get hit by a parent."

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All right... I know I messed up, but you know what,

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no-one can blame me for Josh, cos when people see

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how bad his work becomes after I've stopped putting pressure on him

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they'll start realising what I was doing for him in the first place.

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Wicked! I got an A. Thanks, Oliver.

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Oi, tiny bag boy! In your face!

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-Well it wasn't hard.

-You're the man.

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What do you think, Ash?

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I put my trainers in here this morning...and they've shrunk.

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Yeah, or Ryan's been playing with dolls again.

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They're collectable action figures.

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What, ones that cry and wet themselves?

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I think my locker might be haunted.

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I'm going for a sit down.

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That's just Ash, you'll get used to him.

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But I can't wait to see Nathan's face when he sees this.

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Might turn that into a wallpaper. What do you think?

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But...how... How could you have got an A?

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You see what happens when you apply yourself!

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I knew you were a clever boy, Josh. Here you go.

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And you can have extra pudding.

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Not for you!

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Two big scoops for my golden boy.

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-RAPS:

-Two scoops for the golden boy

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And you can add three cheers cos you know the ploy

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Just couldn't get any better if I tried

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But trying has never been a requirement of mine

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So the whole world's lucky cos I'm so plucky

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Hold me down, I bounce back like rubber duckies

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A smart kid works hard with his work-mates

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A genius never works in the first place

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And I fall in the latter category

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Moved so fast, Mum and Nathan never saw me

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And Nate can investigate, he won't get it

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Who's got a nerd writing A-grade essays

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While I act as if I've done nothing

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And ain't no chance of getting my come-uppance

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No stress, no strife, won't lose

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Man, a plan never went so smooth

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-How better can it get?

-How worse can it hurt?

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-How high can I fly?

-How low can I go?

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Man, I got it so sweet, need more and more

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Yep - one man's ceiling is another man's floor

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-How better can it get?

-How worse can it hurt?

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-How high can I fly?

-How low can I go?

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Man, I got it so sweet, need more and more

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Yep - one man's ceiling is another man's floor

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And I can't stand for all this inequality

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Josh being a model kid? Come on, Mum - honestly?

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See, I know that he's up to something

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As far as I can throw him is as far I trust him

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But he's left the door ajar and I'll get my foot in

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Why should he be the one getting extra pudding?

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And I know that's he's glad

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Cos now he's getting A's he can say I was holding him back!

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That so ain't the fact, I'm gonna have to nab him first,

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Before my whole week goes from bad to worse

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When it goes wrong for me he's a little smugger

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But I won't feel defeat from my little brother

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Smaller hands, smaller feet, smaller frame

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Smaller head, most of all smaller brain

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So I should really outwit him in no time

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I have to do it before he ruins my whole life!

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I want to apologise for the other day -

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getting annoyed when you tried to throw me off the quiz team.

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-Why?

-You see, I think sometimes

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I might make people a bit uncomfortable.

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-Well, that's stupid.

-What do you mean by stupid?

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-Er...not stupid... I'm joking!

-Oh, right!

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-Great.

-Come on, lets go and practise for the quiz, team captain.

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-We've got English.

-So? The team comes first.

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Come on. Let's go and learn some facts. Alone. Together.

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Ash...!

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It's full of cheese...

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Chill out... It's only a locker.

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Who'd get worked up about a locker?

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You!

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Congratulations, Josh, another A.

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Yeah, you know - I used to have this

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annoying noise when I was doing my homework.

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Not got it any more.

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Yeah, well... what was the essay all about?

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Lord of the Files.

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Flies.

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Oh, yeah, Lord of the Flies. Of course.

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Since you seem to know so much about Lord of the FILES,

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why don't you do a talk on it for us?

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-Oh, right.

-Without the essay.

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HE SIGHS

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Oh, um, OK. All right. So, Lord Of The Flies is a book, right?

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-Has everyone had their books?

-ALL: Yes.

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All right, now, get rid of them.

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-Just throw them...

-Hey, Josh!

-What?

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No, no, no, this book isn't about words on a piece of paper, is it?

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It's about people and flies. Er, Agnes, which one is it?

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It's about some kids.

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All right. So here we've got kids.

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And did these kids have their books? Jack?

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Well, they are stuck on a desert island, so...

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So, desert island, right, and a little palm tree thing here.

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So can anyone tell me if anything good comes out of this?

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Josh, this is supposed to be about you doing a talk.

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No, no, no, you can't teach kids

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just by telling them how it is, you know?

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You've really got to get a grasp and reach these kids.

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He's right, sir. You can't just teach.

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You've got to engage with the kids.

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Because if you don't,

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we'll just switch off and get into trouble like usual.

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Exactly. Thank you, Agnes.

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Now, can anyone tell me what happens

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if you leave a bunch of kids by themselves on a desert island?

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BELL RINGS

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Hey. I know you're doing something.

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Just cos I don't know what doesn't mean I won't stop you.

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-You ain't got nothing on me, bruv.

-Yeah? Doesn't matter.

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-You're gonna fess up. And I'm gonna make you.

-Good luck with that.

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Hey, Ash. I never got an essay from you. Why not?

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My locker's full of cheese.

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You all right, Ollie? How's that history homework coming along?

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You said you was getting me a doughnut.

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Oh, yeah, they don't sell those in the cafeteria any more.

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-It's just fruit.

-Maybe they'll have some at the baker's.

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Yeah, but lunchtime's nearly over, so...

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I'd go, only I'm doing YOUR history homework.

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Fine.

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A jam one. Josh, wait!

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-Oh!

-Watch where you're going, stu...pid.

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I know he's in detention, but I need Oliver for the team.

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You know what Mr Byron's like over this stupid quiz.

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It was Byron who put him in detention.

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Look, if you let him out,

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I'll promise to overlook whatever it is that you mess up next.

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I'm not going to mess up.

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-Oh, I suppose.

-Thank you, Mr Carter. Oliver's bright.

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I'd hate to replace him with anybody who didn't know their stuff.

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Come on, Oliver!

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Just think how awful that would be for some kid up there

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looking an idiot in front of the whole school.

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He can't go. Er, sorry.

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He's in detention at Mr Byron's request.

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-I can't go against that.

-But...

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However, I may have another A-grade student

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that'll fit into this team just fine.

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You've got to be kidding me.

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No. The correct answer is, "I came, I saw, I conquered."

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Finish this quote. "Romeo, Romeo..."

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This is low, man. I mean, even for you.

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No!

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I would have thought this would have been a doddle for a genius like you.

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-Unless... Oh, is there a problem, Josh?

-No.

-Great.

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Because it would be terrible, wouldn't it, to get up on that stage

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in front of everyone and look like you don't know what you're doing?

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This is bad. This is really bad. First Molly, and now you.

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-Mate, relax. Like I said, it's just a stupid little quiz.

-Relax?

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How can I relax? You know nothing, and Molly, she's being nice.

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It's doing my head in. She makes me so nervous I can't even concentrate.

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Well, look, I ain't having Nathan showing me up

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in front of no brainiac audience, all right?

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I'm getting off the team quick and sharp.

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The quiz has nothing to do with me.

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If you want out you'll have to speak to Miss Andress.

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I don't want out, I wanna win.

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Win?

0:18:410:18:43

We have a great team and I really think we could do something. If...

0:18:430:18:48

If?

0:18:480:18:49

Well, it's Miss Andress, sir. You know, she's putting on

0:18:490:18:53

a lot of pressure, which is fine by me,

0:18:530:18:55

but it's not really helping Ryan.

0:18:550:18:59

If he keeps going on like this, sir,

0:19:000:19:03

I think he's going to have a complete breakdown.

0:19:030:19:06

And I reckon if we could replace Miss Andress with a teacher

0:19:060:19:09

that can speak to us on our own level,

0:19:090:19:12

we could think about putting some serious points on the board.

0:19:120:19:16

Anyone in mind?

0:19:160:19:18

Me! Well, why me?

0:19:200:19:22

You have your brother to thank. He says you've got what it takes.

0:19:220:19:26

Oh, does he?

0:19:260:19:28

I'll leave it with you, then. Don't disappoint me, Mr Carter.

0:19:290:19:34

Oi! What you playing at?

0:19:370:19:39

What? Oh, the quiz. I'm just helping out, man.

0:19:390:19:43

I mean, you're lucky you've got that Oliver kid on your team, hey?

0:19:430:19:46

Cos he's such a genius.

0:19:460:19:48

I know what you're trying to do, but I am not swapping you with Oliver

0:19:480:19:51

-until you admit you've been cheating.

-Why would I admit that?

0:19:510:19:56

Why would I take you out of the team if you're such a genius?

0:19:560:19:58

I guess you wouldn't.

0:19:580:20:00

But, hey, at least if we lose really, really badly,

0:20:000:20:04

you wouldn't get humiliated at all.

0:20:040:20:07

# All the pressure's on him

0:20:090:20:11

# Now I've turned round the tables

0:20:110:20:13

# He has to win

0:20:130:20:14

# And me

0:20:140:20:16

# I'm gonna stand my ground

0:20:160:20:18

# I don't plan to shout, scream, wave my hands around, no

0:20:180:20:19

# What this plan's about is keeping cool

0:20:190:20:21

# I don't even need to see the rules

0:20:210:20:23

# Cos there's only one of us today who's gonna be a fool

0:20:230:20:26

# This ain't gonna be a free-for-all

0:20:260:20:29

# Hope he knows this is gonna be the day

0:20:290:20:31

# Where he's totally exposed

0:20:310:20:32

# For the fraud that he is

0:20:320:20:34

# Cos I'm sure of his tricks

0:20:340:20:35

# No, he's bored by the quiz

0:20:350:20:37

# Josh, you're gonna slip

0:20:370:20:38

# And I'm gonna be there cracking up still

0:20:380:20:42

# Cos you're gonna lose another battle of wills

0:20:420:20:45

# So if you wanna prepare for what this quiz says

0:20:450:20:48

# Get a nice big L for your forehead

0:20:480:20:50

-# Stand...

-fight...

-..tall..

-..right..

-..and

-..win

0:20:500:20:53

# Have you got skills?

0:20:530:20:55

# It's a battle of wills. #

0:20:550:20:57

So you take the history questions. I'll do science.

0:20:570:21:00

No, actually, I'll do history and science,

0:21:000:21:03

and maths, sport, politics, geography and general knowledge.

0:21:030:21:08

And YOU can look after Clever Bernard.

0:21:080:21:12

You're the best team captain.

0:21:120:21:14

Please, stop it.

0:21:140:21:16

Just hit me or something, get it over with.

0:21:160:21:19

-I'll stop if you stop treating me like an idiot.

-I don't treat you...

0:21:190:21:22

"Think of the reputation of the school?" "You're a loose cannon?"

0:21:220:21:26

-Why do you think I volunteered for this quiz? To annoy you?

-Maybe.

0:21:260:21:29

I just wanted to try something, some silly quiz,

0:21:290:21:31

but you wouldn't even let me do that,

0:21:310:21:33

you just assume I'd get it wrong straight away. How'd you like it?

0:21:330:21:37

I don't. It's exactly what my mum does to me,

0:21:370:21:40

and I just did it to you.

0:21:400:21:42

Oh, no, I'm turning into my mum!

0:21:430:21:46

Wow, Ryan, stop breathing so fast.

0:21:460:21:49

I can't!

0:21:490:21:50

Ryan, breathe slower!

0:21:500:21:52

I think my teeth are falling out.

0:21:520:21:54

Ryan, get a grip!

0:21:540:21:55

-What are you doing?!

-I don't know! It just happened!

0:22:030:22:06

-Don't judge me!

-Ryan, what's wrong with you?

0:22:060:22:09

HE SCREAMS

0:22:090:22:11

Ryan?

0:22:290:22:30

Come and do the quiz.

0:22:360:22:38

OK, fine.

0:22:400:22:42

Come on, Josh, just admit you cheated, man.

0:22:530:22:56

Mum's out there.

0:22:560:22:57

You gonna make her sit there and watch you lose?

0:22:570:23:01

I ain't worried.

0:23:010:23:03

Byron's looking kind of excited, too.

0:23:030:23:05

Those are the governors he's with.

0:23:050:23:08

Where's Molly and Ryan?

0:23:100:23:11

Look, I'm sorry about that kiss business,

0:23:110:23:14

I'm just not used to people being nice to me.

0:23:140:23:16

OK, fine, so either you come and do the quiz

0:23:160:23:19

or you're stuck in here with me staring at you.

0:23:190:23:23

What's it to be?

0:23:230:23:24

Quiz?

0:23:240:23:26

Good answer.

0:23:260:23:27

See you later, caretaker!

0:23:310:23:32

Now, come on, let's go and show your mum

0:23:320:23:35

you're not the idiot I think you are.

0:23:350:23:38

Where are they?

0:23:410:23:44

Only five minutes left.

0:23:440:23:45

Not long until you have to back down, Nathan.

0:23:450:23:48

-OK, I'll get Oliver out of detention.

-Yes!

0:23:510:23:55

Wait here.

0:23:550:23:56

Oliver! Come with me.

0:24:000:24:03

And Zoe-Marie, you might as well come as well, just in case.

0:24:050:24:10

Well, I think that's long enough.

0:24:120:24:15

Ash! Ash, come with me.

0:24:150:24:17

-But I've got...

-Come with me.

-What?

0:24:170:24:20

-But, sir, the caretaker...

-Go, go.

0:24:200:24:22

Are we going to watch the quiz? I should be on the team, you know.

0:24:220:24:26

It's not fair that I'm in detention.

0:24:260:24:28

Look, Oliver, I always wanted to put you on the team, all right?

0:24:280:24:31

I just had to be sure that Josh was cheating on his homework.

0:24:310:24:34

But Josh HAS been cheating at his homework.

0:24:340:24:37

I've been doing it for him.

0:24:370:24:38

So can I go on the team now?

0:24:410:24:42

Well done, bruv, you made a good decision,

0:24:500:24:53

-even though I would've been great.

-Save it, Josh.

0:24:530:24:55

Oliver's got something to say to you about your homework.

0:24:550:24:59

I...

0:24:590:25:00

Yeah, all right, fine, I cheated.

0:25:000:25:02

You cheated.

0:25:040:25:05

What are you gonna do about it, put me in detention?

0:25:050:25:08

Well, actually, I'm not sure, Josh, cos you see, Oliver cheated,

0:25:080:25:12

but he wants to do the quiz, you cheated,

0:25:120:25:15

you don't wanna do the quiz, right?

0:25:150:25:17

so if I swap you around and give you what you want,

0:25:170:25:19

what kind of lesson is that for either of you?

0:25:190:25:22

Er...a lesson in forgiveness?

0:25:220:25:25

You're going on the quiz, Josh.

0:25:250:25:29

And cos Ryan and Molly are AWOL,

0:25:290:25:31

-you'll have to do it with Ash and Zoe-Marie.

-What?

0:25:310:25:34

We'll get smashed and I'll look like a muppet!

0:25:340:25:37

And it'll be worse for you.

0:25:370:25:38

Don't know what to tell you, bruv. Sometimes you gotta do what's right.

0:25:380:25:41

-BELL RINGS

-Can the teams take their places?

0:25:410:25:44

So, go on. Kermit.

0:25:440:25:46

Take Miss Piggy and Gonzo with you.

0:25:480:25:50

Elmsbury, you must know the capital of the United States? I'm waiting.

0:25:550:26:02

You can KEEP waiting. I ain't answering any of your questions,

0:26:020:26:05

not till I know the answers.

0:26:050:26:07

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:26:070:26:09

Can I go? I've gotta go and unlock the...

0:26:090:26:12

Nothing.

0:26:120:26:13

Still on geography.

0:26:150:26:16

Will you calm down? What's wrong with you?

0:26:160:26:18

Hands on buzzers. Your starter for ten.

0:26:180:26:21

No-one can know. No-one can know I took them.

0:26:210:26:23

Took what?

0:26:230:26:26

The chain of American islands dividing the Atlantic Ocean

0:26:260:26:30

from the Gulf of Mexico are known as the Florida...

0:26:300:26:33

Quays.

0:26:330:26:35

I don't know anything about any keys! I ain't done nothing!

0:26:350:26:38

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:26:380:26:40

Mr Carter.

0:26:480:26:50

Well, I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes.

0:26:500:26:54

Yeah, look, I'm...

0:26:540:26:55

And the behaviour of your team...

0:26:550:26:58

they really put Gossett off.

0:26:580:27:00

78-5, that's the closest score we've ever had!

0:27:000:27:03

Well done!

0:27:030:27:05

Two whole questions right.

0:27:060:27:10

Who'd have thought you'd know so much about Lord Of The Flies?

0:27:100:27:13

You did so well! Go and say thanks to your brother.

0:27:130:27:17

Never underestimate the power of low expectations.

0:27:180:27:21

You're still gonna tell about me cheating, aren't you?

0:27:210:27:24

Oh, yeah!

0:27:240:27:25

Course, tomorrow, though,

0:27:250:27:27

and I want you to spend more time on your homework,

0:27:270:27:30

but for now, let's just kick back and enjoy this.

0:27:300:27:34

Hey, I wonder what happened to Molly and Ryan.

0:27:360:27:38

THEY SNIGGER

0:27:450:27:46

Oh, yeah.

0:27:470:27:49

Yeah, you win. That is weirder than cheese.

0:27:490:27:51

-# You can't live with 'em

-And you can't kick 'em out

0:27:540:27:57

# When they're up they rub it in your face

0:27:570:27:58

-# Kick you when you're down

-When no-one understands them

0:27:580:28:00

-# You know what they're on about

-Always good to be around

0:28:000:28:03

-# Gotta find the common ground

-If you know so much about me

0:28:030:28:07

# Where do I go from here?

0:28:070:28:10

-# You see 'em every day

-You can never get away

0:28:100:28:12

# Only time that you're the boss Four o'clock. #

0:28:120:28:14

Comedy about two brothers at the same school - one as a pupil, the other as a new teacher. Nathan drags Josh onto the useless school quiz team to teach him how to stick at something. But Josh realises to his delight that him not knowing any answers will only make Nathan look bad.


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