Football 4 O'Clock Club

# Where'd you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle

# What'd you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Wash that stress out like it was shampoo

# You should stay, it can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line, this time it's sure to stop

# So the only time is now, 4 o'clock. #

Yeah, I got it.

Mm.

Josh?

Oh, er... Hi, Mum. I told Nathan he needs to cook a nice tea.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Yeah, he's here now. I just told him.

-That mum, is it?

So, er...

Who's this the phone to me now?

JOSH SIGHS

OK. Sorry, Ryan. I've got to go

No, no, no, I understand.

You're on lates, yeah?

Me and Josh'll be doing the cooking all week.

Yeah.

All right, see you tomorrow.

All right, yeah. Great idea, we both cook tea(!)

How about tonight you do it and I'll do it tomorrow?

-Why am I going to do that?

-You'll have the whole night off,

-I'll do everything.

-The whole night off?

Swear down.

All right. Deal

-Chicken tikka masala OK?

-Sweet!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

What are you like, Ash? I mean, football kit to geography?

That's worse than the time Ryan wore his pyjamas to maths.

Yeah, I only did that once

and I thought we were doing our survival swimming

Er, it's taken, Rat Features?

My mistake.

You look like a banana that's been eaten up by a canary.

Yeah, yeah! Laugh it up, ladies!

Seriously, Ash, you really are an idiot.

All right, shut-up. Mr Alten's off today.

Is it his, er... "problem" again, Sir?

All right, that's enough!

Now the good news is he's left you all a test to do, so pens out

CLASS GROANS

Oh, yes. The match, Ashley.

Off you go. The rest of you, heads down.

How did he manage that?

See you, ladies!

-Why do you want to join the football team?

-Why wouldn't you want to join?

Right, Ryan?

Yeah!

-We love the uniform!

-(Not uniform, kit!)

-Kit.

-We could use a couple of reserves.

-We'll do it!

Are you sure?

It does require a great deal of commitment.

You'll have to miss the odd lesson.

Well, if it's for the good of the team, sir...

-We'll do it, Mr Thorne

-OK.

Well, I need your parents to sign these permission slips

Welcome aboard, boys.

We practice every day at four.

-Sorry, sir. Did you say

-EVERY

-day?

Awesome!

Every day!? No way are my parents signing me up for that.

It'll interfere with homework hour

What are you doing?

What did you do that for? I never said I wanted them to sign it!

Listen to yourself, man. You need help

Why've I got to do all this extra work, just cos I don't know it?

-What is geography anyway?

-I'll do it for you, for a tenner.

What?! What you trying to say?

I can't do it? You'll do better?

-If that is was you're saying, then you are

-ON!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

I mean, every day?

What if we get hit with some big assignment this week?

-How we supposed to fit it in around all this?

-Will you shut up!

Enjoying yourselves?

-Yes, thank you, sir.

-Doing what exactly?

Football training.

-THAT

-is football training!

Er, I don't think so.

Yeah, I don't think this is really for us.

We'll just be off, so thank you very much!

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Your parents signed the forms, boys,

I can't let you go without speaking to them first.

Forgery.

Prison!

-There'll be no need for that, sir.

-Good.

Nobody likes a quitter.

So come on, get in line!

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Hnng!

You said...this was going to be...awesome!

What are you talking about?

-This

-IS

-awesome!

48, 49, 50...

JOSH GROANS

Oi, Ronaldo!

Get your butt out of the chair and get in the kitchen! I'm hungry.

Come on!

Chop-chop!

TELEVISION SWITCHES ON

I think it's a good thing you joined the football team.

You never know, if one of the good players get injured,

you might even get a game!

That was quick.

Ah!

Cook tea! That was the deal,

cook tea! You can't just get an apple from the kitchen.

JOSH GROANS

Thank you.

CLOCK TICKING

Yes!

Bon appetite.

-HE RAPS:

-# A sprig of parsley, classy

# Should I be surprised? Hardly

# Classic Josh, if you ask me

# Can't sweep up without a rug to hide the dirt

# Can't finish any job COS that's twice the work

# That he planned for, always got a plan for weaselling out

# He's on your team? You're a man short

# You ever wondered why his rap name's only J?

# It's cos he couldn't be bothered writing the O-S-H

# Can't call him lazy, that's too soft

# There's lazy, crazy lazy, then there's Josh

# Wish I could find one thing he'd follow through with

# Only thing he seems to complete are the excuses

# Snip, snip, snip, snip

# Shortcut time, yeah it's shortcut time

# With a snip, snip, snip, snip

# One of these days he'll be taught stuff right

# My motto? If it can be done tomorrow, do it next week

# I don't need nothing to stress me

# Cos I seen what it can do to my brother

# So I kick back, sing Hakuna Matata

# You can't lock me up to do those chores

# There's a whole world out through those doors

# And if there's a quicker route to it, I'm on the track

# Cut a corner, plus it's shorter and what's wrong with that?

# I'm a player, meaning I prefer to play

# I don't work, I pay you to do my homework

# What, you want me to clean the whiteboard? Yes, certainly

# Oh, gotta go sir, emergency!

# Snip, snip, snip, snip

# Shortcut time, yeah it's shortcut time

# With a snip, snip, snip, snip

# Responsibility, well it's yours not mine. #

By the way, I need you to get me out of football.

Right, yeah. That's you all over. Isn't it, Mr Quitter?

I'm not quitting. Thorne won't let me.

Well, I'm not helping you. Forget it, no way.

You know, it's time you learnt if you sign up for something,

you need to see it through to the end.

RYAN GROANS

I sound like my granddad getting out of the bath!

I'm not even going to ask how you know what that sounds like.

Ah!

Ah, ah! Ow!

What sort of idiots train like this for fun?

Lads?

Ow!

Ah!

THEY BOTH GROAN IN PAIN

Settle down, settle down!

Now for the last fortnight, we have been studying...Ash?

Yes, yes we have.

Romeo and Juliet.

You know, sir. Where everyone speaks in them stupid poems

-that don't rhyme.

-Thanks, Agnes.

You're very welcome, sir. You know, sometimes I forget stuff too.

O...K.

Let's pick up where we left off, shall we? Er...Ryan?

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the East, and Juliet is the sun

Arise, fair sun.

Could you maybe just soften it up a bit?

-I'm not really feeling it

-Shut up, Bog-breath!

Molly, it might help if you looked a bit more...

Well, if you looked a little bit less

like you want to kill him.

After all, Romeo and Juliet, of course the central theme is...

Death.

CLASS LAUGHS

No, not death. Love.

-Six people die in it.

-Well, yeah. But...

-Only two fall in love.

-That might be the case...

-And they die.

-But they are in love

They've prepared for any obstacle

that might come their way, you know.

They're committed to something and they'll see it through to the end.

There's a lesson in that for all of us.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Right, so what I want you to do

is write an essay written as if

you are Romeo or Juliet and you're on your first date.

Right? So think first love, intensity of feelings

I really want you to dig into your emotions in this one, yeah?

By Friday, please.

By Friday? With football practice, how am I supposed to do that?

I'm dead, Josh. Dead! Never mind Romeo and Juliet,

-this is my funeral! I'm finished, this is game over!

-I'll do it.

-What?

-Your assignment?

Romeo and Juliet's first date? I'll do it.

-Why?

-Why do you think?

Because I'm nice and because I like you.

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Really? Ahem...

-NORMAL:

-Really?

No! What is wrong with you?

I need a new MP3 player and 15 quid gets you the essay

by Friday with my personal guarantee of an A.

Erm, no thanks. I may already be going to prison for forgery

so I don't need to be committing fraud as well.

Yeah, Ryan knows all about dates, been kissed by loads of girls

-haven't you, mate? Mum, sister, your gran.

-Oh, yeah. A babe magnet

like you should be able to do it in no time, so why are you sweating it?

-Molly?

-Yes, Ryan. What can I do for you?

15 quid, right?

Only, try and make it good, yeah?

I've got quite a high grade average, and erm...

you will spell check it, won't you?

Like you know how to do spell check?

Oh and another thing. Try and make it sound, you know,

like he's met someone sweet.

Like Juliet and not Lady Macbeth,

with a headache. Anyway, I'm sure you got it covered. Bye.

No offence.

I said "no offence". You heard me, I definitely said "no offence".

She couldn't have possibly taken offence.

ALL: # Happy birthday, Mr Byron

# Happy birthday to you. #

CHEERING

Make a wish!

No, still here.

RUMBLING

Was that your...?

Yeah, sorry, I only had an apple for tea last night.

Oi, Plankshop, where you been?

-Just doing my essay.

-Well, you're just in time for some laps.

-Laps?

Yeah, 20 of 'em, you know, get us warmed up for training later.

-Tell you what, Ash, how about you do ours for us?

-Yeah, OK. 60 it is!

Great. Thanks to you we'll still be training by the time

-we're re-sitting GCSEs.

-Why are we re-sitting them?

Cos we're too busy doing press-ups

-to take them the first time.

-I ain't going.

Nathan's getting me out of this whether he likes it or not.

What are you doing? Wait, Josh, wait, no!

Nice shot.

Cheers.

-Who was it?

-Sorry.

-Detention.

-Oh, what a shame.

I'll miss football training too.

Result.

And then, like, my dad, like, put well too much gravy on the Yorkshire

puddings and they went all soggy. It was disgusting, and then,

like, I also had these earrings and I just bought them and they were

-like really valuable and everything...

-OK, thanks.

Erm, not finished!

And then flipping Miss Andress took them off me

and she's like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're not allowed to wear them"

and then my dad was saying if, like, they come back then she's going

to send them the bill with like a letter in and everything,

cos like she made me take them off and made my ears grow back,

and then the other day, I was at the park

and there was this kid on the swing and I was like

"What are you doing on the swing?" Cos I was looking...

Zoe-Marie, ladies and gents!

Great stuff.

If we could keep the next one to about five minutes, rather than 27.

WHISTLE BLOWS

RAPS: # I don't believe it How could I only just've seen it?

# The biggest shock to me is I never saw he was scheming

# I shoulda known from the kick off

# Josh doing after school activities alone was a tip-off

# What a rip-off He played me like a game of footy

# But it's a game of two halves and I ain't a rookie

# So here's the breakthrough

# If you want a challenge then it takes two

# You play me? I outplay you!

RAPS: # You got skills? Well I got skills too

# That'll thrill you

# Put up your wall and I'll drill through

# Thought I'd played against the worst until you

# Yeah, you had a bit of game in the past

# Nah, I still do I'm a pro, bro

# So, yo, take heed See I outplay you if you play me

# We can race or chase or go face to face, right

BOTH: # There's only one winner when it's game-time

# Now he's been surrounded I'll leave him astounded

# With the ball at my feet I run rings around him

# An old man like man like him's no match for youth and style

# And good looks by the pound

# I'm a multi-million pound signing Worldwide celebrated

# He's about to get relegated

# I'm solid as a rock, man

# He's see through I'm Premier League

# You got skills? Well, I got skills too

# That'll thrill you

# Put up your wall and I'll drill through

# Thought I'd played against the worst until you

# Yeah, you had a bit of game in the past

# Nah, I still do

# I'm a pro, bro So, yo, take heed

# See I outplay you if you play me

# We can race or chase or go face to face, right

BOTH: # There's only one winner when it's game-time. #

Josh, shouldn't you be in football practice?

Yeah, I sort of kicked a football through your window.

Huh, well, all the more reason to get some practice in, I'd say.

But I mean...

Oh and er, I'd hurry up if I were you.

There's still a good hour to get in some pitch time.

1-0 to me!

Ahem, sorry about that.

Erm, so, anything else anyone wants to talk about?

-Molly?

-Er, yes, Sir. I'd like to talk about favouritism.

You're late, Carter. Get down and give me ten.

Faster come on!

Wait a second, no listen. Hold on the purpose of this afternoon...

..Was to voice some of our complaints

to see if it could link back to an understanding

of why we're always in detention, right?

-Yeah, yeah, that's right.

-So, fine. One rule for one,

and one rule for another.

-And his little brother!

-I was talking about his little brother.

All right, don't snap at me, yeah?!

-This isn't about favouritism.

-So why does brother get

to go and kick a ball around while we're stuck in here with you?

Josh doesn't even like football! What I was trying to do...

I don't like EastEnders, send me to watch that.

What's wrong with EastEnders?

Look, anyway, whether he likes it or not,

it's obviously better than this.

Forcing me to do football? Now that's out of order, Bruv.

And getting me accused of favouritism, that's fine?

It's the type of thing that people lose their jobs over.

All I'm saying is that if you keep

giving up on stuff just cos it's hard then you're never going

to get good at anything. You know,

Take me, for example, yeah. I used to be rubbish at cooking,

but I stuck at it, and now,

I can make a pretty mean chicken tikka masala.

Yeah. Instead of just having an apple for tea. Now you're going

to keep playing football, all right and trust me, you will thank me

when you're striker for England.

RUMBLING

Was that your...?

Yes, all right.

Morning all! Let's get our essays out before we start, please.

I just did mine now, 4 minutes 20, new record!

Whereas I on the other hand...

-Where's Molly?

-No idea.

Great, that's it. I really am dead. Worm feed!

-Josh!

-One gazillion out of ten!

Didn't do it, forgot, sorry!

But I guess this means I'm in detention, right?

Don't try to do me any favours, sir, cos you know I am your brother.

Yeah, that's right, detention.

Oh, man. I'll miss football practice too!

Yeah, no football practice.

HE COUGHS (One-all.)

Ryan?

Well, the thing is, sir, that erm, well, that is to say

that, erm, my dog he could've...

No, I haven't done it either, sir.

Mmm, so what's that?

Oh! I guess I forgot that I'd done it, sir.

Why?

I've only had an apple for tea, two nights running.

And what are you having tonight?

Another one!

I reckon if I was to eat two bags of these, I'd be like a hamster

and I could stock 'em up. He ain't breaking me.

I can't believe you've wangled your way

-out of practice this afternoon.

-Every afternoon. Epic win.

Oh, what am I going to do? I genuinely think I might die.

It runs in my family you know.

-My great-granddad, he died.

-From exercise?

-I've no idea!

But that's the point, isn't it? You never know.

But what am I going to do?

You know, as one of my best mates, I suppose my brother

wouldn't like to be seen doing any favours for you too.

Donut!

Ryan, detention! Four o'clock.

BELL RINGS

I'd feel better if I knew what I'd done wrong.

The important thing is this afternoon you

and I get to chill behind our desks without a whistle in sight.

WHISTLE

You're late. Well, go grab your sports kit.

-Come again?

-Exercise!

Some people wanted to join you yesterday and I thought, why not?

You know, exercise, it helps concentration,

-reduces aggression.

-What?

Who you calling "aggression", elbow licker?

And Mr Thorne has agreed that we can join his lot once or twice a week.

I've changed my mind. I want to go to prison after all...

Which means you don't have to miss any practice.

Isn't that great news?

2-1.

Please, sir, could you tell me what I've done wrong. I need to know.

-My parents keep records.

-You know why, Ryan!

I asked for a nice little story about a first date.

This scared me.

Even a totally insane Romeo wouldn't show up at a masked ball

with a flame-thrower, an axe and a shovel. Oh, I'm writing

to your parents about this and probably a psychiatrist.

Tut-tut! I got an A by the way. Funny that. You insulted me,

-you paid and you bought me this. Thanks, Romeo.

-I said, "no offence"!

-What are you doing?

-Hello! Zumba.

This was a good idea of mine, wasn't it, sir?

-A good idea of OURS actually, Agness.

-Mostly mine.

Josh, come on, man.

How are you going to make it to the England squad running like this?

I won't make it to my next birthday running like this.

WHISTLE BLOWS IN RHYTHM

HE BLOWS WHISTLE IN RHYTHM

Enough! No more whistling!

You know what? I'm done with this, so's everyone else.

Come on, who's with me.

-I like it. It was my idea you know.

-Ryan, put your hand up.

-What?

Oh, yeah, I thought it was up!

See, Josh, some people do actually finish what they've started,

instead of trying to get everyone else to do the work for them.

But that's down to them, innit? If they want to do this stuff fine.

-I don't, so why should I?

-It's for your own good.

Doesn't matter whether you're cooking curry,

writing essays or playing football. If you don't work,

-you won't get any better.

-Yeah, whatever.

You used to play football all the time and you're still useless.

-Better than you.

-Oh, yeah, prove it.

-Fine.

-Penalty shoot-out?

Penalty shoot-out, if you can do that without quitting.

Oh, we're so on!

Get ready for the magic.

Wow, that really was magic, bro(!) Made your dignity disappear!

Watch and learn.

Uh-huh, yeah, now I see.

You better get in there quick!

That's it! This is pathetic.

You can forget about having a place on my team, ever! You're out.

And you!

Stick to teaching English and keep your rabble away from my team,

and that includes you!

Ten more minutes, Mum, please!

-Bruv!

-What?

I think I was wrong.

I think it's OK to...give something up

-if you really don't enjoy it.

-Serious?

-Serious.

Why don't we... Why don't we call it a draw? Mmm?

2-2. Sweet.

Anyone fancy a kick-about?

I've made tea!

-Aw, no way. Nice one, J.

-Yeah, you were right. I probably should stick

with some of the boring stuff I do. You've got to start somewhere.

And plus, if I eat another apple I'll probably sick up the pips!

Nice one, J. Thanks, man. This is...

..disgusting!

Argh, it's really gross, man!

Apple?

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