Lockdown 4 o'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle

# What d'you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Wash that stress out like it was shampoo

# You should stay

# It can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line this time is sure to stop

# So the only time is now, 4 O'Clock. #

That's an... erm... interesting tie, sir.

It's a present from my aunt and uncle.

Wow. They must've really hated you.

Actually, they're taking me for a birthday dinner tonight.

It's your birthday? What, does Mum know?

What else did you get for your birthday, sir?

-A card from my parents.

-A card with money in it?

Well, it was more of a text. Well, half a text.

"Happy birth." Mum's not great with technology.

So, all you really got was a manky tie that looks like cow sick?

That's well rubbish.

If I was you I'd take them to court and sue their legs off.

-You'd saw their legs off?

-Bit far.

How old are you, sir?

Let's just focus on detention.

I'll find out.

Go on his YourFace profile. It'll say on that.

VARIOUS MOBILE PHONE BEEPS

-Put the phones away.

-I reckon he's at least 58 and a half.

Guys, that's enough.

Got it! Ah, skunks. He's set his profile to private.

Well, let's guess his password.

Right. You all know phones are banned in detention. Hand them over.

-Josh. Phone.

-No, I'm doing something.

I won't ask again.

Fair enough. Hey! I was in the middle of a text, man.

What's so important that it can't wait until after detention?

I...I was setting up a record deal.

-You never mentioned that.

-Mm.

-You're all clearly bored, so let's do something creative.

-No!

Sir, there's only 15 minutes left.

Ash, Ryan, you can help me.

-Noooo!

-The rest of you behave, or else.

This is, like, well outrageous. He can't take our phones off us.

That's like taking my lung, and turning it into a hat.

We should totally kick up a protest.

What are you doing?

Locking Dexter out until he gives us our phones back.

Now you're talking my language.

Duh, English. Obvioso.

-How long are you going to keep it locked for?

-Till he breaks.

I mean, I've got to get this whole record deal thing sorted

before either he or I leaves.

I reckon you're...36?

You're not even close.

37?

That's the wrong direction.

39? 45?

HE SIGHS

Look, if you really want to know, I'm 30...weird.

-You're 30-weird?

-Why is it locked?

JOSH LAUGHS

Oh, Josh, don't do this!

Then give us my phone back.

My cello's in there. I need it.

-Ah, true love.

-Shut-up, Ash! I have cello practice at half five.

Do either of you two know how to pick a lock?

-Ryan knows how to pick his nose.

-Not true! He's the picker.

There's gold in them thar nostrils.

The deal is, what I say goes. I'm in charge here.

Not what it looks like to me.

# All right, I got to get my phone back

# Even though this ain't about a record deal

# The fact is no-one knows that

# And that's the way I'd like to keep it

# What I've got to say It kinda has to stay secret

# That's a neat trick Thanks, Josh

# Cos it's not just the door Now I've got my hands locked

# And how can I give the letter of the law

# When I'm trapped outside in a corridor?

# Technically I should probably let them back in

# Cos the time till the end of detention's that thin

# I should probably be a little more grown up

# And stop creating this little show but...

# Technically I should probably give their phones back

# Cos it's after 3:30 and they know that

# If I do, I could make it to the station

# Pick up my aunt and uncle, they'll be waiting, but

# If I give in, then I've lost

# Man, if I give in, I'm not Josh

# Can't look meek in front of this lot

# Can't look weak, it's dumb I can't flop

# So I mustn't give in It's the principle

# Nah, I'm never giving in I'm invincible

BOTH: # And whether or not the plan is sound

# One thing's for sure I'll stand my ground. #

If I open up, it means you've won and I can't let that happen

cos you've been on my back all term.

Oh, man! Mum, I just had the best day ever.

Remember that new flophead of a new teacher?

We totally owned him, it was...

Why is all my stuff in the living room?

Josh, meet our new lodger.

MUFFLED: You?

What?! No, no, no. He has to go, he's my teacher.

-Josh, wait! Guess what? I've got us a gig.

-What?!

And we won't even have to travel. It's here, at the school, tonight!

-Are you crazy?

-I know it's a bit little soon,

but don't be embarrassed of your songs, they're great.

It's not the songs I'm embarrassed about.

You and Josh, you're the band?

For one night only.

Oh don't worry, that suits me fine.

Apparently, I'm too embarrassing for Josh to be seen with live on stage

so I'm going to be playing the keyboard in the backroom.

OK, it's time for some live music.

He's young, he's fresh, he's supercool.

Give it up for the amazing J Hyphen!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HEAVY BEATS AND PIANO

MUSIC ECHOES FROM HALL

Where's the smoke?

# I get this strange feeling whenever you walk by me

Is it working? Is this...?

MUSIC CONTINUES TO ECHO

SMOKE MACHINE HISSES

# All I want to say's hello Then I end up running home

# Hey, you, over here Why don't you come closer, yeah?

# Cos I know...

HE COUGHS

# In your world, in your world

HE SPLUTTERS AND COUGHS

# I got so, so close, girl And now I'm... #

MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY

HE COUGHS

Don't just stand there. Evacuate!

SCREAMING AND FIRE ALARM

It's fine, it's just the smoke machine.

-Agh, argh!

-Everybody out!!

If I've been on your back it's usually been for good reason.

And I want you all to sit quietly, and think about

everything that led to you being here tonight.

Sit quietly AND think? Talk about multi-tasking.

Josh, shush.

You're late...Agness, isn't it?

Zoe-Marie, why'd you kick my sister?

-I never!

-You're the one telling everyone I live in a tent.

I don't want people thinking I'm some sort of dirty tent weirdo,

-who lives in a tent.

-Here we go!

-I never said that!

-OK, whoa.

Firstly, there's nothing wrong with living in a tent.

But I don't. Why are you saying I live in a tent? YOU live in a tent.

You're a tent lord.

-Zoe-Marie, why did you tell people I wanted to be a prefect?

-I did not.

-Yes, you did.

-REST OF CLASS: Fight, fight!

DEXTER: I really think that's enough.

COMMOTION

All of you, behave!

Josh, they're going to have a fight because of you.

-Scratching, slapping.

-I'm getting a better place.

-Do something.

-OK, right, well, that's it.

People, detention's over.

COMMOTION STOPS

-Over?

-Home!

-Oh, mate.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hi, Auntie Jasmine. Thanks for the tie.

Yep, I'll be there to pick you up, don't worry about it.

No, the station's perfectly safe... probably.

Getting in early? How early?

Ash, you've got to help me convince Josh. If I miss cello practice,

my mum will hollow me out and turn me into a cello.

I'm on the side of justice here, Cello Yellow.

This is about the right of the common student to be able to look up

their teacher's age on their phones in detention.

Why do you always have to take the opposite side to me?

Why do you always have to be such a crab sandwich?

Just think of yourselves as an old English style boy band.

Yeah, this actually might be quite cool.

OK. One, two, three.

SHE PLAYS PIANO

TOGETHER IN CHORUS: # Pat-a-pan, pat-a-pan, pat-a-pan, pat-a-pan

# Pat-a-pan, pat-a-pan, pat-a-pan, pat-a-pan

# Pat-a-pan, pat-a-pan, pat-a-pan, pat-a-pan

# Pat-a-pan, pat-a-pan, pa-a-a-t

# Willie, bring your little drum Robin, bring your flute and come

# And be merry while you play Tu-ra-lu-ra-lu-ra-lay

# Tu-ra-lu-ra-lu-ra-lay Tu-ra-lu-ra-lu-ra-lay. #

No-one can ever know about this.

My mum says people who play violent video games always end up in prison.

My mum says getting expelled is worse that committing murder.

My mum says rap concerts are a celebration of sin and wickedness.

Yeah, thanks for that, Spongebore Squarepants.

SLAP!

-Ow! Grow up.

-Only when I'm ready.

Where'd you get that?

Dad brought it home from work.

-What are you going to do with it?

-I don't know.

Something worthy of a rubber band this big.

-Something really good.

-Oh, yeah. Much more jokes already.

It's already started.

Write your name on it so it doesn't get thieved like your giant magnet.

Good thinking.

So does that mean I'm still in charge of detention?

-If that's what you want.

-Of course.

-For now.

TWANG, SLAP

Who dares to twang something at me?

Now you're for it, you spannerneck.

Which one of you is Ryan?

SPLASH!

I'm stupid, but I'm not that stupid.

DEXTER: Please try to stay calm. Oh, great(!)

She's already panicking

that the station's full of freaks and criminals.

-She'll nut me if I turn up late.

-Forget about your aunt.

What about if Ding Dong comes down here and sees us?

Never mind Mr Bell. I'd be more worried about Josh's mum.

There's been a lot of getting into trouble already this term,

hasn't there, sir?

Is there a bucket I can use to clear up some graffiti?

I don't know who this "Ding-Dong" is but

apparently his mum's a hairy moose.

I'll leave you to show Mr Harris round. Sorry.

-OK, firstly that's Mr Bell.

-Oh, Ding Dong!

What?

-You know what.

-You look very athletic in those pants, sir.

-Those were trunks.

-Well, they look like pants.

-I can't believe you went on my laptop.

-Oh, this was

nothing to do with me, sir.

-I understand there has been an incident.

-Yes,

-but I know exactly who's to blame.

-So do I.

Your social networking profile was set to public. I've seen it.

Any of the students could've accessed it.

-Ah, right.

-Teachers need to ensure that their own personal fluff

-remains out of the public domain.

-Yes. Of course.

Sorry, Dad. I mean, Sir. Mr Bell. Not Dad.

-MR BELL:

-Let's achieve the level of discipline

that I know this school is capable of.

TANNOY: Ooww. Hot-hot-hot!

# Oh, Mr Shower Man Oh, baby

# Scrubbing my face Ain't no disgrace

# Yeah... #

Is that you, Harris?

That could be anybody.

# Dexter be loving the lather... #

CHILDREN LAUGH

# It's soap-tastic

# Washing my pits Down to my bits

# Oh, yeah

# Here comes the shampoo-oooh. #

(Josh!)

We train up the miscreants using rewards

and then end up with a school full of model pupils like these.

Good behaviour becomes a habit.

Then we can do away with the prizes.

You have all the tools you need now.

So if you can't make your "4 O'Clock Club" behave,

then you've only yourself to blame.

(Ow!)

I expect results.

There's only one thing to do.

Give us back our phones?

Not going to happen.

Oh, right. So, it's one rule for teachers,

another for the rest of us.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Dexter! What's up, man?

-Josh has locked himself in the 4 O'Clock

and won't come out.

OK, what do you want me to do about it? I'm in Scotland.

I just need some advice. You know him better than anyone.

Ain't that the truth.

What've you done?

Nothing...bruv.

The ear of lies says different.

Hmm? Hmm.

-What?

-Fight, fight, fight!

Give me the camera.

Your attention, everyone. The Mayor.

APPLAUSE

It's with great honour that I proudly declare...

He's rigged the sign.

..the new Elmsbury Academy officially open.

SLOW MOTION GRUNTING

Nooooo!

Oh, crumbs!

Oooh!

What are you doing, man? Get off her. Get off her!

Carter, stop ruining everything!

"Smelly Bum Arcade"? No photos.

OK, well, er...one time he locked himself in the bathroom

'when I refused to take him to Weasel World.'

-How did you get him out?

-I waited until he got hungry,

and started cooking hamburgers.

I haven't time for hamburgers!

Dexter, you're the authority there. OK, You need to get tough with Josh.

Tough. Gotcha.

Dexter, are you...pulling a face?

No!

I can't believe you two. Usually you're the first out of the door.

-We're standing up for stuff and that.

-This is about a principle.

Since when did protesting about stuff ever achieve anything?

If it wasn't for the protests of the Suffragette Movement,

-women wouldn't have equal rights to men.

-You're comparing this to that?

How exactly are you suffering?

Because I need the loo like you wouldn't believe.

-That is well gross.

-We all do it.

-No way do I, Goth gardens.

-Why are you so rude?

-Why you so goody-goody pain-in-the-face?

It's called being helpful.

-Here, Sir.

-Thank you.

-I'm Agness, Sir.

-Thank you, Agness.

-You girls all set for another fun day of school?

-You what?

I only just got here. You having a go at me already?

-No, not in the slightest.

-I heard how you said it.

"Another fun day of school". What does that even mean?

-It's just me saying good morning.

-What's so good about it anyway?

-What do you know that I don't?

-Sorry, Sir. Zoe-Marie's emotional.

-Mr Carter leaves today.

-Shut-up, yeah? I ain't emotional.

-What are you telling him I've got emotions for?

-Well, enjoy your day.

Helpful, or interfering?

At least I don't wander around like a massive rain cloud.

Molly? What happened? Was it the vampires?

Did the vampires get you?

So sweet you think it's clever to make fun of someone

for expressing herself.

And there was me thinking you boys might've gone through puberty

over the summer. I think I speak for both of us when I say, "Ouch!"

Oh, my flipping nut cake, yeah. What are you supposed to be?

You look like somebody ate an undertaker

-and threw up over a thing.

-Stop it, Zoe-Marie.

Molly's obviously in mourning. Who died?

Well, duh. Obviously she's in morning. It's 9am, or something.

Molly, we're here if you need to talk.

Well excuse me for having depth.

-If you've got depth, Zoe-Marie has class.

-Shut-up, yeah!

I'm well classy. I'm basically Victoria Beckham, but better.

They're gazing into each other's eyes. She might like him.

Who cares if she doesn't?

We set them up anyway. We need to get them to dance or something.

That is a great idea. Yeah, it's like they're meant for each other.

He's actually right.

Mr Harris runs the 4 O'Clock Club, so, duh.

She liked Mr Carter who also ran the 4 O'Clock Club, duh.

So that's, like, duh.

Can't fault logic like that.

Think about the genius of where we are right now.

How's this genius?

Because of this.

ICE CREAM VAN CHIMES

PHONE RINGS

BRAKES SCREECH

Hey! What are you doing?

It's all right. We're going to pay. Give her the money.

GET OUT OF MY VAN!!!

-Here's a Good Buddy sticker.

-I'd rather not be brainwashed, thanks.

-I'll have it.

-It doesn't quite work like that.

-You what?

Are you messing about, Miss?

Flippin' Twilight gets to have a sticker and I don't?

That's WELL outrageous. That's worse than the time Mr Wilson

dropped a Bunsen burner on Jason Taylor's head.

If you want a sticker, do your work.

You are having a giraffe.

Will you both shut up?

I'm trying to concentrate on not wetting myself.

Toilet jockey.

KNOCK ON DOOR Josh. It's me.

I'm going give you to the count of five to open this door

or I'll have no choice but to...to, er...

-Smash it in!

-Yes, I'll smash it in.

THUD!

Agh! Agh, ow!

Agh, agh!

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello, Dexter. What happened?

I bruised my shoulder.

Let me talk to him.

KNOCK ON DOOR

J Carter, superstar?

Bruv, open the door.

He took my phone.

How would he feel if I stole all his shoe horns?

He's got a shoe horn? What, seriously?

Mate, he has two.

HE CHUCKLES

Who has a sho...?

Look, never mind. You are the kid, OK? He's a teacher.

He's got every right to take your phone.

I'm not going to back down in front of my audience, am I?

I've got a reputation to maintain.

You always have to be the big man.

When has that got you anywhere?

Do you want a list of all the times things went my way?

# Well, well, well, guess who's in another fix?

# I might just need some clever little brother tricks

# Typical Nathan I guess Just slipping

# One problem and he's a headless chicken

# Then it's down to me to bail him out, of course

# Similar to when he ran out of clean boxer shorts

# And he was running late for some hot dinner date

# I made him a pair with scissors and a pillowcase

# And I can see it in his face

# He's most happy when my situation isn't great

# 99% of the time, he started it

# And it's always me who's got to clean up after him

# But I can only think of dumb ways to fundraise

# Eating 20 school dinners in my lunch break?

# Sponsored wig making?

# Playground bareback pig racing?

# Poor Nathan, look at his little brain ticking

# Trying to think something up but it ain't clicking

# I dunno why he always struggles with the same mission

# When in the end he'll probably ask for some J wisdom

# OK, listen Nate you're a sharp dude

# Probably sharper than a Great White shark tooth

# And you know there's not a point that you can't prove

# Although, talking to yourself? Not a smart move

# He's like a cartoon Nothing between his ears

# There's only one guy there when he needs ideas

# Let's be honest He's been feeding off me for years

# So why's he putting off the obvious? Please, I'm here!

# Ahhhh, I guess I could run it past him

# No! I don't want to have to ask him

# But if he's got an idea that might sell... Hey, Josh?

# Don't tell me - you need my help. #

OK, occasionally you came out on top.

But we both know it didn't always happen like that.

Whoa!

Six.

Oh, agh, agh!

Oh, like you've always been a winner(!)

Can any of you explain why so many of you are here

on the very first day of term?

We had debts left over from last term, sir.

It's a cuss, but it's not like he makes us do lines and that.

Yeah, there's loads of worse places to be.

Like being stuck in a wardrobe with a big spider.

Or a cheese factory.

So you're saying you actually enjoy being in detention?

THEY CHUCKLE

This one time, he let me paint a cow's udders.

It's just as I feared. Back to my office. Now.

Look, I'm not unlocking that door until he gives me my phone back.

End of.

HANGS UP PHONE

I was thinking, maybe this has gone on long enough.

I mean, Mr Harris has probably learned his lesson.

And giving up has nothing to do with you needing a wee?

-No, of course not.

-I think I should speak to Josh.

I've got the best people skills.

Shut up, I've got the best people skills.

Plus, he's a boy, and I talk to boys better than anyone.

Yeah, she's become this coffin-bothering Goth freak,

who goes round calling people's pencil cases stupid when they ain't!

You don't know when to shut up!

I can shut up any time I want, except I don't want to,

then people can't hear what I have to say. I have a lot to say.

Just shut up, girl!

I think you should just try grabbing the key off him.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Look, Nathan, I ain't got time...

Oh, sorry, this isn't Dexter.

This is actually his classroom assistant...Mr Excellent.

I'm so sorry he couldn't make it to the station in time.

Yeah, I can really hear the anger in your voice

and I can hear that your teeth are grinding. Yeah.

What was that?

Oh, but he DID say that if you get a cab to the restaurant

he'll be willing to pay for the entire meal,

including the tip. Yeah, just as a little apology,

you know, a nice way to say sorry. OK, bye-bye.

HE SIGHS

There must be some other way to get in there. Air vents, windows?

We can't go in through the windows. Mr Bell had them glued shut

after the coconut incident.

Hilarious coconut incident, don't you mean?

-The caretaker wasn't amused.

-Mm, no. He went spare.

-Ash you're a genius.

-Oh, I know!

-Remind me why?

-The caretaker's office has spare keys.

Nice one. Thanks to you, Ash, we're getting in after all.

Wait a sec.

So, this is the caretaker's office?

-It's nothing like I imagined.

-What did you expect?

Where's the golden throne?

Got them!

HE SIGHS

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Right, have you unlocked that door yet?

-Bruv, look...

Help, Mr Carter, he's keeping us trapped!

All he cares about is his rap career!

And he's going to make Molly a garden sprinkler.

Sorry, what has this got to do with rap?

I kind of told him I was arranging a big record deal.

-Bruv, you can't do that in school.

-I know. There is no record deal.

I was texting Mum.

Dexter didn't tell me or Mum it's his birthday today and I kinda

didn't want him to coming home to no cake or presents.

Well, why didn't you explain that to everyone else?

Cos I wasn't going to have them

think I actually like the guy, was I? It was bad enough

having a brother as a teacher.

Right, look. I'll talk to Mum and get the cake sorted.

You just...please, unlock that door and let everyone go home, right?

Yeah, I suppose.

Finally! Out of the way, medical emergency!

It's your birthday. I thought I'd let you off. Just this once, though.

Detention's over, people.

I've missed you, old friend.

Hmm, a bit tight, feels like the key's stuck?

Hold on, I'll try turning it the other way.

SNAP!

Oh, please, no!

What just happened?

OK. To teach you all a lesson about what just happened,

we're going to stay in here a little longer.

Sir, are you serious?!

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

GIGGLING

It's for you.

And...happy birthday, Mr Harris.

-# You can't live with 'em

-# And you can't kick 'em out

# When they're up, they rub it in your face

# Kick you when you're down

-# But when no-one understands them

-# You know what they're on about

-# Always gonna be around

-# Got to find a common ground

# If you know so much about me

# Where do I go from here?

# If you see 'em every day... #